YOU USED TO BE A MONSTER!
I scream that line over and over again ootside Paul Wights bedroom windae, as "This Could Be Heaven" by Queen blares oot my boombox.
One solemn tear rolls doon my cheek.
You used to be a monster.
Now whit? A big auld greetin mess. Staunin in the ring to kick off Smackdown, like a puppy thats just pished the carpet. Awaiting gettin its nose rubbed in it. A sad sight. His master emerges fae the back, smackin his lips like he's just had them roon somethin, to tell Show that his actions on Monday Night RAW means that he is suspended for one night without pay. Triple H then throws a stick of dynamite intae the crowd and shouts "HEIDS!" cause he's a fuckin ersehole and even yer ma kens it.
Show gets ready to trudge through tae the back before The Shield appear and chase him aboot. He jumps on the announce desk to he has a better view of the 3 guys about tae Triple Powerbomb him, before they proceed tae Triple Powerbomb him.
Brie Bella, Naomi and Queen Nattie vs Aksana, Alicia Foxx n Layla
Mind whit happened on RAW? Pretty much the same again, cept AJ didnae have a Jerry Lawler tae verbally castrate and there wis nae Sharpshooter I wanted tae make sweet love tae. AJ interferes causing somedy tae get DQ'd, before she gets a doin aff the Total Divas team. Nattie looks like shes gonnae get her in the Sharpshooter which had me up aff my seat, but they other broads pulled AJ oot. Shamesies.
A Dance-Off Between Fandango, Khali, R-Truth and The Miz
I'll start with the only positive fae this. The Miz being announced as "Mizco Inferno" was by far the most entertaining thing he's been involved in since he teamed wae John Morrison.
Now for the negatives...eh. Everything else.
Its bad news when yer segments leading light is R-Truth. Thats a segment that didnae need tae happen really.
In suppose my main problem wae this is just...whit yees daein? Really?
Dont stert me on the Fandango mis-use either. Just dont.
Shite.
Next.
Ryback is announced as the newest member of the backstage interviewing team and d'ye know whit? this segment wisnae entirely terrible. He pretends to give a fuck about the words coming oot the mouth of some wiry Canadian jobber, before smashin his jaw fur him. Ken whit I liked about this? Its the first time since...probably ever, that Rybacks words have sounded like his own. Everything else feels like he's readin it aff cue cards, and puttin his ain extra wooden slant on it. So see this? as pointless as it wis, I didnae hate it. I didnae hate a Ryback segment so there ye are. I'm losin the fucking plot I think, although my grip on the plot wisnae the tightest in the first place.
Ricardo gets tellt aff Vickie that the only way he gets tae be in RVDs corner at Night Of Champions, if if RVD is in his corner when he faces Del Rio in a match tonight. I dunno when these stringent rules on who's allowed tae be in who's corner came intae play, but I don't like it. Whit if next week Summer Rae needs tae wrassle Mark Henry so she's allowed tae be in Fandangos corner when he faces him? poor lassie wid get flung aboot lit a scud book on a cell block.
Damien Sandow v Santino Marella
Suffering fuckin jaysus man. Sandow is the biggest naecunt of a MITB winner I can ever remember. The briefcase should heave been the catalyst for a hugely deserved push, but he's basically been jobbing tae anycunt wae a pulse since he got it. Apparently Daniel Bryan wis given the same treatment after he won MITB but I recall little of this. Mibbe blocking it out like I block oot that time I seen a lassie crouched doon huvin a slash in an alley in toon. Anyway, this wis the only legit match of the night, and Marella wins after hitting Sandow with the Cobra. I died inside a wee bit more. I like Santino but ffs, Cesaro and Sandow in the same week? Nope. No huvin it. Sorreh.
A segment where Cole interviews Paul Heyman and Curits Axel. Heyman is excellent here, but I'll tell ye all about that in a wee minute. First I'd like to tell ye the story of Curtis Axels conception.
It was a cold autumn night in Birmingham, Alabama. Having just wrestled Bad News Brown to a no contest in a house show, Mr Perfect pulls up at a motel to rest his head before hitting the road again in the morning. He'd been knocking back shots with Ludvig Borga and Mabel in a local bar, so the beer goggles were firmly on, when he saw something quite beautiful. He edges towards it nervously, fearing its beauty couldn't be real, but the closer he got the more captivating it became. He extended his hand and said "Hey...I'm Curt, you can call me Perfect if you want"....his advances were ignored, he gathered his thoughts and tried again. No response. He sits down next to the beautiful thing anyway, and cosies in. His physical advances are met with more warmth than the verbal ones and all of a sudden we're doing the dance withoot the pants. Its over in 40 seconds, and Perfect conks oot.
He wakes up the next morning in a skip filled tae the gunnels wae gravel. Just gravel. About a metric tonne of gravel. He looks doon at his manhood, and know whit it was filled wae? gravel. hunners ae it. He shagged a massive pile of gravel, and remarkably impregnated it in the process. Cause he's perfect, and apparently so's his sperm. 9 months later Curtis Axel crawled oot that same pile of gravel.
Curtis Axel. Half perfect. Half the stuff ye pour on tae uneven ground so ye don't snap yer ankle in a divot.
Anyway, we'll completely ignore the terrible Axel dialogue here and tell ye about Heyman. He tells the fans he'll forgive Punk for his sins, but he'll never forgive them for their thirst to see Punk get his hands on him. Tell ye whit the best thing about this was though? Heymans face. Aw red eyed and disheveled. No shaved in at least a week. Washed oot n feart. Nae wunner Paul ma man. CM Punk is gonnae kick yer spleen oot yer erse. Tenner bet ye that spleen wid be able tae cut a better promo than Curtis Axel.
Alberto Del Rio vs Ricardo Rodriguez
Ricardo is a trained wrassler, so Cole and JBL losing their shit when he completed a move successfully wis probably the maist amusing thing about this. Ach I understand why it was on the show, but at the same time bleugh. Just no my cup of tea this type of thing. Feels like a really shite Spanish version of the Punk/Heyman angle. Del Rio wins wae a mad suplex type thing, and then tries tae snap RRs airm, before RVD jumps in, pits his doob oot in ADRs eye and hits the 5 star frog splash. I called it months ago, and I repeat. RVDs taking the belt, and the fact that a 42 year old RVD winning the WH Title will make the belt more relevant just shows ye how weak its been since Dolph dropped it.
Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler
This was fuckin too good. Ziggler had to win to receive a US Title shot at Night Of Champions, and he gets the win via DQ after The Shield jump in, but lets no focus on that. A necessary but shite finish, but it didnae take the shine off what was a belter of a match. Dean Ambrose nattering in Dolphs ear throughout anaw. Love aw that mind games shit. The guy's just a fuckin genius. A born performer and Dolph is the perfect foil for his dark style. He sells the living shite out of everything Ambrose throws at him, tae the point that I thought the wee camel clutch he got him in wis actually gonnae snap his heid aff. Dolph does for a splash in the corner but Ambrose moves, and Dolph honestly snaps his ain body backwards like there wis somedy behind him snapping his spine cord by cord. Unreal meht, anyway. Dolph looks tae be closing in on the win before The Shield come oot and just when ye think its gonnae be another doing for Dolph oot comes ......
JIMMY USO! AND HIS BROTHER JEY! THE USO TWINS!
The spirit of Teddy Long is harnessed through an empty bag of Space Raiders an all of a sudden we have a...6 MAN TAG MATCH PLAYAS
The Usos and Dolph vs The Shield
This wis fun anaw. As messy as the whole thing was it contained some quality wrasslin, so I cannae complain meht. Wrasslins whit im aw aboot, and these lehdz dae it better than most. Mare Dolph selling goodness, as he clotheslined Ambrose over the ropes, and when ye watch him as he goes over, it like he falls asleep. Lights oot. Knows hes in for a hard fall and sells it on the road doon. Magic. The action is fast paced n crackin, but Rollins gets the knees up when Jimmy or Jey goes for a splash and that wis that. Shield get the win. Dolph gets his title shot. Gid gear.
On this day....I see clearly....
*Spunk aw err the place*
Edges theme ma man. Good lawd. Edge on the mic anaw meht, oh me, oh fuckin my. This was a glorious wee segment I thought, and even Orton came off looking no bad as he gets in tae some verbal warfare wae my idol, yer Daniel Bryan.
Mare patter fae Orton about Edge no being able tae compete, and we're aw like "you jist clamp it nae eyes"
Edge then rips the cunt oota Orton, before Orton goes intae some patter about Bryan being good for business, but Orton is better and at that point, me, yer cousins and aw yer mad uncles are lit that "oh Randall, you jist stop it"
Bryan hits back with how he's always dreamed of being the champ, the guy wae the belt, the face of pro wrestling, no the face of some morally decrepit corporation and at this point Orton decides ENOUGH is ENOUGH and its time for a change, so he leathers ma hero in the maist callous way possible. Bryan then floats above his ain body, harnesses the energy of aw the worlds great leaders, before rallying and gettin Orton in the yes lock. Lights oot. Deid.
We end the show wae aw the YES! chants ye can handle, and I've got a semi ye could yase as a steering wheel lock. Solid.
Overall for the lack of clean wrasslin, and that awful dance segment, I cannae fawn err Smackdown this week, but it had enough good shit tae scrape a solid 6.5 inverted atomic drops oota 10.
Sound.
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