I honestly dunno if there's official attire fur adults tae wear when they go oot skipping, I've no skipped in a while tae be able tae tell ye whit the male attire might be, but that long(ish) blue dress n suit jaicket combo Steph had on tae open the show looked exactly how I'd imagine the wumans attire tae be. Comfy but formal at the same time. Business skipping.
Whit the fuck am I on aboot ataw? aye Steph n Trips shapeshift fae their wee pod on the land of pure evil tae the ring. They are faced with the 10 men who ran in and helped Daniel Bryan at the end of last weeks RAW. Incase yer no sure, I'll remind you of who these 10 men are. No by telling ye their names, by referring to them by their official title. EH BOAYZIES.
Eh Boayzies are informed that they will be involved in an 11 on 3 handicap match against The Shield in the nights main event, an their tag partner will be none other than Sir Daniel of Bryan. The king of the furry faced. Prolific hurricanrana deliverer. Master of kneeing yer jaw so hard, it becomes embedded in yer daft nose.
For me the highlight of the whole thing wis RVD yammering a lot of hauf staned shite at Trips. At this point they really don't gie a fuck what he does eh? long as he keeps on gien them good matches, he can sit on top of the vendys in the back smokin PCP if he wants. Aye, Trips also announces a poll on the app tae decide who faces Randy Orton later on. RVD, Dolph. R-Truth and yer mad uncle Niall. We'll see how that pans out, but first....
Alberto Del Rio vs Kofi Kingston
Here. Don't tell a fuckin soul right. It's no good for my rep, but I actually really fuckin enjoyed Del Rios work here. Its rare ye see that from him in a match where someone else isnae carrying the pace, but he wis braw here. So was Kofi incidentally, and he display his "diving really high and landing on his feet" chops, when he eh....dived really high tae ADR on the outside and landed on his feet.
Del Rio then hits a fuckin perfect German Suplex intae a pin and that's just my maist favourite thing right there. Gid Germans are rare these day, so few folk dae them, its hert sickenin. Del Rio wins with the cross armbreaker and I wis left feeling content with one of his matches for once. I think I need a doctor or suhin. I'm startin tae see wee bright spots.
The Big Show will be The Miz's guest on MizTV. Triple H informs The Miz of this while the Miz stands backstage, not deid from Ortons attack the week before, or even partially maimed. Just staunin there wae that glaikit look on his face. He'll go down in history as an ex WWE Champion. Mr Perfect and Owen Hart will not. This makes me sad aw day.
Luke Harper and Erick Rowan vs The Prime Time Players
This is the first time big Luke n Erick have had a match on the main roster that husnae been a squasher I believe, so thats gid. The PTP have had a wee push lately so it widda been daft tae have them get their erses skelped here. Match wisnae uptae much right enough, but aside fae Harper I'm no too keen on any of them wrasslin wise. Young clears Rowan oot the ring with a clothesline, but that only leaves big Harper tae hit that braw spinning lariat tae seal the win for the Wyatts. Bray then jumps in and hits BAITH of yer Prime Time Players wae Sister Abigail. Nice tae see ye Bray ma man, mare matches and really long promos please. Ta muchly.
The Miz is oot for Miz TV, and the Miz is in a mood. The Miz is in a fizz. He comes oot wae his bottom lip trembling, talkin aboot how "all these bullies can kiss my grits, I am really pissed off!"
He calls The Big Show and gies him aggro fur knocking Dusty Rhodes oot. Show fills a paddling pool wae his tears and launches it at the Miz, but he ducks and it soaks Jerry Lawler sittin at ringside. We aw know tears melt wee misogynistic aliens, so Lawler evaporates and the segment continues. Show's lit that "haw you!" before Steph emerges through the bottom on the ring like Show done aw they years ago at St Valentines Day massacre, and orders Show tae knock The Miz clean oot for his cheek. Show duly obliges, cause its the fuckin Miz. If he wis yer co-worker and yer boss said it wis sound tae shatter his daft jaw fur him, wid ye no just dae it and never stop daein it? exactly meht.
Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam
So Van Dam won that poll I wis on aboot earlier. I dunno why there was a poll tae determine who would face a nae cunt FORMER face of the company. We runnin polls tae see who gets tae face big Diesel next week aye? Match wis pretty good, but dinnae trust my opinion there mate. I'm the biggest RVD mark this side of the equator. He could sit n play cairds wae JTG for 20 minutes n I'd call it a classic match. RVD hits us wae his usual array of acrobatic kicks and even a wee bitta Rolling Thunder, Orton does his usual shite. Chinlock, Chinlock, Carmel DDT. Braindeath. Then oota naeplace he hits RVD with yon Carmel DDT fae the TOP ROPE. A move I had only ever seen once before and where wis that place? ICW in Maryhill meht. Yer mans just straight up lifting stuff fae ICW and the bold Carmel noo. At least gie props where there due ya big oiled up streak ah pish ye. The match ends in a double countout cause essentially Orton just batters the shite oota poor RVD. I enjoyed the whole segment tbh. Decent match and the finish keeps Orton looking evil, which is the only time he's even sorta interesting tae any cunt.
Then we really hit wur stride in the weirdest way possible. Firstly Randy Orton gets re-oiled quicksharp so he can chat up wee Brie Bella. Tellin her tae dump auld fuzzy face n get wae a real man. Nae offence Randy son, but trading in a beardy wrasslin god like DBry fur a walkin pile of congealed baby oil like yersell isnae somethin that's ever gonnae sound like a good option. Brie tells him tae chase himsell.
Then it wis some weird exchange wae AJ Lee n Steph. Steph tells her tae get hersell a copy of Trips DVD cause its got weddin footage on it and she might like tae see whit a real wedding looks like. Does she think AJ husnae attended a wedding before or something? like she's no familiar wae the concept? and whit in the name of christ does that have to do wae wrasslin? Hefty confusing stuff.
Fandango vs Santino
Well wasn't this just a smashin wee suprise eh? Santino has been beatin fuckin everycunt lately for some reason. Sandow, Cesaro, Swagger, Zangief, E-Honda...you name it, he's beat it. Fandango has been shafted for fuckin ages on RAW now so we aw just narturally assumed he wis daein the job. We assume wrang ma friend, cause Fandango thwarts Santinos attempts tae hit him wae the Cobra, and instead leathers him wae that braw as fuck top rope leg drop for the win. Outta naewhere ma man Fandango has gone over on RAW. His entrance got a smashin pop anaw, cause Chicago crowds are no bad. Wee Summer Rae chant tae. Braw stuff all round. High 5s n fist bumps fur the whole team here.
Next up was CM Punk. If CM Punk in Chicago isnae one of yer favourite things in wrestling/the world , you and I are very different people. He comes oot tae a pop that wid make a volcano erupt, before somehow makin them go even louder when he goes intae some shitey spiel about how he's just like the Chicago Blackhawks when they won the Stanley Cup. People like it when ye say nice hings about their sports teams. It makes them feel aw warm n cute. Even wae patter thats laden wae cheap pops, Punk still makes it work. The cunts a fuckin genius, then the genius is ramped up tae a hunner million thousand when Paul Heyman comes oot in a fuckin mobility scooter. Heyman gets aw braggy about pinning Punk with both hands tied behind his back at NOC, and Punks lit that "oh see you ya swine, you're gettin a buncha fives tae the jaw" N Heymans like "try it". Punk asks Heyman if he thinks either Curtis Axel or Ryback could get tae him, before he gets tae Heyman. Heyman crunches the numbers and decides to head for home, but the mobility scooter wont comply. Its deid. Nae battery. Punk gets yon look in his eyes and goes for heyman only for Axel n Ryback tae shoot ootae Vince Russos imagination tae deliver a beatdown tae Punk. Punk rallies and gies them a right good bootin, but the boys get the upper hand efter Punk hits a glorious dive on Ryback. Ryback leathers him clumsily for a while, and then he gorilla pressed him fae the stage through a table. Killing him in the process. Missed the table for the most part anaw, cause despite Heyman making him relevant, he's still a clumsy big tube. CM Punk is dead. I remember when he wis alive and it wis rerr. Long live Punk.
AJ Lee, Alicia Foxx, Other burds vs Total Divas burds
Back tae this overbooked shite again. Can somedy explain tae me how this furthers what is a potentially braw feud between Natalya and AJ? It just disnae. Nut. The finish tae this can fuck off anaw. Fuckin Brie Bella pinnin AJ clean. Bolt. Even gettin tae see wee Nattie didnae save this whole segment for me. Shite.
Dean Ambrose on the mic briefly backstage. Smashin. We should really have this every week eh? Go on. It'll be gid.
If yer askin me "did Daniel Bryan get a pop that matched CM Punks in Chicago?" I'd huv tae say aye meht. Undoubtedly ma friend. It wis fuckin magical. Then he started saying words and they were magical tae. The whole thing just worked so it did. He's on about how fuckin stupid it wid be of him tae ask Scott Armstrong tae fast count a guy who he had just KNOCKED THE FUCK OOT. Does Daniel Bryan seem that stupid tae you? exactly brother. Me neither. He's winnin the belt back at Battleground anyway. Nae fuckin danger. The The Shield came oot tae hand out a beatdown only for...awww man, this is too gid. I need a wee minute....only for...GOLDUST AND CODY RHODES TAE JUMP OOT THE CROWD. Its a fuckin Rhodes invasion, and cunts were catchin lefts n rights fae aw angles. Codys back his honeymoon and he is in a bad mood. Wife got sunburn on the first day n spent the hale time peeling deid skinn aff her foreheid. He wis taking that pain out on the shield, before him n his big brerr were carted oot by security.
Daniel Bryan and EH BOAYZIES vs The Shield (11-on-3 overbooked pile of nonsense elimination tag match, with cake and diluted orange for everyone)
Bleugh. Ye kent with the drill would be here. Messy pile of dung for 10 minutes. before DBry finishes it aff wae a flourish. The messy part actually wisnae too bad but. Interestingly Dean Ambrose pins RVD clean early on. That wis a smashin wee surprise. A strong Dean Ambrose is a strong future meht. Then a whole buncha cunts get pinned knahmean? a lot of them. Interestingly one of them wis Roman Reigns. Apparently for the first time. By one of the Usos anaw, efter yon Samoan Splash. I'm farily sure that's Romans cousin, so that's fuckin braw booking err. So its doon tae Ambrose n Rollins against Dolph, Bryan, The Usos an Truth. The Ambrose gets pinned and Rollins gets Truth tae fuck so we're doon tae the bold Seth Rollins aginst The Usos, Dolph n Bryan. The floor is yours Tyler Black, show them yer wrasslin chops, and by gawd, he did not disappoint. He gies the whole team aw they can handle, before The Usos get so feart, they dive oot the ring ontae the already eliminated Shield members. So its doon tae Bryan and Seth, and Danny scuds him wae the flying knee tae seal the win. Finished wae a fuckin flourish. Did ye ever doubt it?
Another Daniel Bryan triumph tae end RAW. This makes me unreasonably happy. Hauners fae EH BOAYZIES. Cannae forget that. Long live Eh Boayzies.
Overall I thought this shit wis A-Ok. No uptae last weeks standards cause the Divas hing wis nonsense, the opening promo kin sook ma dids, and the main event wis awrite but still messy as yer auntie Bessie. But for the Wyatt gidness, the Miz gettin Ko'd, the Fandango triumph, CM Punk magic, and of course the Daniel Bryan perfection. We got us enough nutrients fur a gid harvest. 7.75 fame-assers outta 10.
Tidy.
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