I miss John Cena.
Naw naw...haud on a minute before ye shut the page doon, hear me oot eh. As Triple Hs music kicked aff RAW for the second week running, and after a 5 minute coma inducing monologue, he introduces Randy Orton, what would you rather see? this turgid pile of shite, or John Cena firing a one-liner at the camera guy before runnin doon tae the ring at full pelt tae tell us all how some people love him and some people don't love him so much. Exactly. Cena every time.
One thing about these seemingly fuckin endless promos fae Trips and Orton about how Ortons oily melt is the new face of the company is that we know its gonnae lead tae Daniel Bryan, and as the bold DDP wid say, that no a bad thing ITS A BRAW THING. So they go through the same routine as usual, Orton asks some Yes/No questions to the crowd (that was actually fairly clever) and him and Trips pat each others wee erses in celebration, before we get our weekly installment of ear shattering, hauf deefenin pop. Hullo Daniel san, nice tae see ye kiddo.
DBry comes oot and cuts another fuckin stoater of a promo. His improvement on the mic over the past 3-4 months has been staggering, and he wis never bad on the mic either. Now he's easily top 5 in the company, and none of the other 4 have a beard I want tae live in, so Bryan wins. Forever.
He talks about how Trips gave up being a man when he shaved the hair, and startin pourin his horrible boady intae they Burtons suits, and then he turns on Orton, telling him that he gave up being a man, when he started huvin baths in baby oil before gaun oot tae wrestle. Then it gets really fuckin intense, as he gies Orton aggro for having everything handed to him. He disnae know whit its like tae fight for anything, only thing he's ever fought is the compelling urge tae conk oot during his ain promos. Triple H interrupts Bryan, cause he's a prick like that, and tells him he should really be upset wae The Big Show...for eh...some fuckin reason. So he books Bryan in a match wae Show cause incase I didnae mention it previously, he's a prick.
If yer gonnae take anything fae wur opening paragraphs here, please let that thing be "Triple H is a prick". He also mentions Doink The Clown in comparison to Daniel Bryan, which is just cheap heat at its worst. Like I said ma man. Prick.
A worrying backstage segment, as Cody Rhodes gets jip aff Triple H for no inviting him tae his wedding. Naw seriously. Nae kiddin. This wis a real promo about a man no wanting his wedding tae be buried under a million sledgehammers, so Triple H punishes him by booking him in a match wae Orton, and if Cody loses he's fired. Orton is legitamtely asleep during this promo. I kid you not. Watch it again and tell me that cunt isnae catchin 40 winks.
This would be a swell time for some wrasslin I reckon.
The Miz vs Fandango
Nope. Nut. Naw. Nae. Fuckin fold yersell up real nice, wrap yersell in broon paper, tie a wee string roon yersell, and post yersell tae fuckin Bolivia. This can fuck off so hard, it wid cause aw the earths volcanoes tae erupt and start spittin oot sulphuric acid. Whit a fuckin sickener of a finish. Not only did the Miz drag the early stages of the match down wae some sloppy work, the Figure 4 which ended it was quite comfortably the maist awkward botch I've seen in a long fuckin time. Maybe ever. Curtis offers him his leg for the figure 4 and The Miz completely fuckin misses it, so then what we have is a situation where The Miz has one leg locked in, and appears to be huvin a wee dance wae the other wan. Truly fuckin horrendous. I'd like you all to promise me you'll sign my petition to have The Miz strapped in to a canoe, and pushed out into the Atlantic Ocean. If we get enough signatures, they cannae ignore it eh? Ugh, fuckin terrible. The burial of Johnny Curtis continues, and this wis undoubtedly its lowest point yet.
This wis fuckin baffling anaw. Booker T accosting Bryan backstage and telling him he shouldnae cross the Mcmahons. Ye whit? whits Booker T even daein there? Nice tae see ye n that, but ye came aw the way oot for this? Bryan basically tells him tae sling his hook, or he'll be on the receiving end of a stoater of a knee tae the jaw. Wee bit harsh like, but Booker needs tae mind his business.
Dolph Ziggler vs Mystery Opponent
This can fuck off anaw. Dolph comes oot lookin aw shimmering as per, before Dean Ambrose attacks him outta naewhere and I'm aw "ooooh it must be Ambrose he's wrasslin then! magic" but is it fuck. Ambrose is only oot tae weaken Dolph, and then his real opponent emerges. None other than the backstage employee molester of the month RYBACK!! The match is pretty much a squasher, wae Dolph having a wee rally before Ryback hits the meathook clothesline, and then Shellshock fur the win. Deflating, but Ambrose berating a seemingly deid Dolph Ziggler wis fuckin compelling viewing. He's gonnae be the main guy in the company before 2015 is out, I'm certain of it. D'ye mind when he was cawin Chrtisian a nitwit on Smackdown a month or so ago? who else has that in his locker than you can think of? the ability tae slap a veteran aboot, and call him a nitwit? I've never seen anything like that in wrasslin, so that leads me tae believe that yer man is a REAL cerebral assasin meht. He disnae need any hauners aff X-Pac, or a sledgehammer, aw he needs is words.
Triple H is a prick btw.
God god almighty. The mare I write this and the mare sober I become, the mare I realise I fuckin really didnae like this RAW. The next promo wis just sad. Really disheartening to watch. Stephanie McMahon comes oot, and says something about her marriage being a lie, before urging the big Show to come out for a wee chinwag. Show emerges, lookin like he'd just watched the end of Marley and Me, and Steph goes on tae tell the world that Show is broke. He's spent the lot. He made some bad investments and now he don't got MILLYINS AH DOLLAS. Show greets some more, before Steph gies him a really awkward cuddle. This promo made nae sense on about a million different levels. Mainly the parts where Steph talks aboot Show teaching her life lessons, even though he's only 4 years older than her. he also met her when she was 12, so Big Show musta worked security fur the McMahons as a 16 year old or suhin. Just a pile of nonsense really, only saved by some smashin actin fae Show.
Then something truly hilarious happened. Tae me anyway. Show is marauding aboot backstage, greetin as per and talkin about "the bad lady being mean!" before he gets tae a desk where two backstage employees are sitting. Show..clearly upset, leans on the desk and the two guys staun up, gie Show yon "oooooh look at the greeting giant!" look, before literally running away fae him. They saw a man in distress, and insteada patting him on the back and telling him it'll aw be fine, they fuckin ran fur the hills. Show then goes on to wreck the whole backstage area, cause naebody loves him, he thinks he'll just go n eat worms.
3MB vs The Prime Time Players
Anytime 3MB emerge and Drew isnae wrasslin can fuck off anaw. Match wis short, Jinder heavy and just shite really. This PTP push is so transparent anaw. I like them as entertainers, but neither of them float my boat as wrasslers ataw. Don't get me wrong like, I'd rather they took the tag belts next than some hastily thrown together team of singles wrasslers, but still. Naw. Titus seals the win fur the boays when he hits The Clash Of The Titus (might be my favourite name for a finisher in WWE right now) Wisnae the worst thing I've ever seen, but if ye offered me a bag of Candy Floss and a wee rendition of Tearing Up My Heart by N Sync instead of it, I'd huv tae be takin the floss ma man
Paul Heyman semi threatening Maddox backstage cause he disnae want tae fight Punk. Maddox is so feart he gets two bears tae form a protective barrier around him and he STILL manages tae sweat through it. Two fully grown bears, drenched. Triple H interrupts and tells Heyman that he disane care how his match wae Punk ends. Either way Triple H wins cause Triple h apparently wins fuckin everything these days. See they daft scratch cards ye got wae the paper, that tellt ye ye've won a holiday and/or a clock radio every time? he's the only cunt on earth tae actually send one of them away and receive a prize. No kiddin ye oan meht. Nae jokes.
This was sadly the only time we'd see Heyman. meaning no interaction wae Punk.
Triple H is a prick btw.
Another fuckin spine tingling, leg electroucting, brain stimulating promo fae Bray Wyatt. The focus has shifted back to Kane thankfully, after a couple of weeks of quiet on that front. I'll tell ye whits a wee bit worrying, the fact that this is two weeks in a row that Bray hasn't even appeared on RAW live, yet he's had some of the most compelling minutes of promo work in both weeks. The Punk/Heyman stuff wis brawer than a braw hing last week, but it wisnae really a promo as such. It was more captivating for the Heyman kendo stick attack than any words that were said. I huv tae question the wisdom in airing taped Wyatt promos that have the crowd eatin oot the palm of his haun, but we're no pushin the stable hard enough as wrasslers. Bray in particular has worked 2 matches since they debuted, which is fuckin baffling so it is. He's a hugely talented guy in the ring anaw, at least book them in a fuckin 6 man or suhin. Really bends my mind that Orton and Trips are getting about hauf a fuckin hour of promo time every week, but Bray is getting 5 minute taped segments and killing them aw every time.
Follow the fuckin buzzards Kane.
Triple H is a prick btw.
Cody Rhodes vs Randy Orton (If Cody loses hes fired)
I really fuckin enjoyed this match, which made the finish that much sarer. I'll explain tae ye why I loved the match first but eh? Positives over negatives. A huge amount of it wis the fact that Codys offense wis just on another level fae Randys. He's hittin braw suplexes, and accurate fast paced striking combinations, before hitting an inch perfect disaster kick and whit wis Randy daein I hear ye ask? chinlocks meht. Aw the fuckin chinlocks. Also hit that fuckin DDT, which I'm so sick of, it nearly reduces me tae tears. Randy ma man, we don't need it in fuckin EVERY match dae we? c'mon son. Cody goes for a moonsault but Orton blocks it akwardly. Shortly after that, he hits the RKO outta naeplace tae seal the win, and send Cody tae the dole queue. As disappointed as I wis as a fan, (who occasionally forgets that this is aw a live work of fiction) tae see Cody go, this wis a smashin wee match. Comfortably the best thing we'd seen wrasslin wise of the night.
Triple H comes oot and confirms that Cody is indeed fired. Know why?
Cause Triple H is a prick.
Enjoy yer weddin Cody meht. Get the factor 50 oan if yer gaun somewhere hoat.
CM Punk came out to cut a promo. Armed tae the fuckin teeth so he wis. No wae a weapon or that, although he did have a Kendo Stick wae him, but thats no nearly as deadly as a mic becomes when its placed in Punks haun. (that wis cheesy as fuck eh? I think it worked but, sometimes a review is lit a gid piece, a wee bitta cheese isnae a bad thing) Punk fires intae some patter about the time for talking being over, and in future, he's be daein his talking by kickin folks front teeth oot. He tells us the Kendo Stick he's carrying is the same one he got battered wae last week, but that's clearly a pile of shite eh. The one he got battered wae broke intae wee bits. He assures us aw Heymans in fur a doing at Night Of Champions (which wis the second outright plug for the PPV of the night...Night Of Champions must huv a shite buy rate) Solid promo as usual fae Punk, but a wee bit disappointing that we didnae have any interaction between him and Heyman. Nice that we wurnae subjected tae Curtis Axel on the mic ataw but. Never forget, last week he uttered the words "I'm the Intercontinental Champion, and he's THE Paul Heyman!" Lit he's fuckin Bryan Kendricks uncle or suhin.
Show talkin tae Bryan backstage. He tells Bryan he disnae want tae break his furry wee face in their match later, but ultimately he has nae choice, cause if he refuses the match he's fired and he'll be back tae rippin up phonebooks at carnivals. Bryan tells him tae stop fuckin greetin. It isnae a good look. Yer a fuckin giant meht. Giants are supposed tae be solid, and by definition...Giant. Be mare giant.
Natalya vs Brie Bella vs Naomi
We'll no bother even kiddin wursells on that this wis a match. It wisnae. Mainly a setup for AJ tae rip intae the three of them on commentary, then run in and bring the match tae an end. Depressingly aw three of them batter AJ after it, and that includes my wee sweethert Natty. Natty hen, yer better than this. Forming an alliance wae yer fellow Total Divas tubes. A pile of nonsense this wis, then a backstage segment reveals that all three of them will face AJ in a triple threat match fur the belt at Night of Champions. Rumour has it AJ is dropping the belt, which is fuckin maddening after her promo last week and the fact that she's the best by a mile in the divas division. As weak as it is, she still deserves a lot better than being made tae drap the belt tae a fuckin TV show. If anycunt not named Natalya Neidhardt takes the belt anaw, the whole games fuckin rigged. Shut it doon n stert again.
Rob Van Dam vs Damien Sandow
Did Damien Sandow get caught wrist deep in Linda Mcmahon or suhin? I've never seen such mental booking for a MITB winner. I cannae recall a match he's actually won in the 6-7 weeks since MITB. This is two TV shows in a row where he's lost cleanly tae RVD anaw. I cannae help but enjoy with RVD does int he ring, but he's 42 years old and should be daein the sound thing and putting cunts over. Ye better than Jericho like aye? urr ye fuck son. Don't get me wrong, I really fuckin hope he takes the WH Belt at Night Of Champions, but if he disnae put someone over when he drops it, he can fuck off as far as I'm concerned. Wid be smashin if he does win it, then Sandow does an Orton and takes it right back aff the cunt. But aye, match was decent. Usual mixture of high flying kicks and dives fae RVD, and Sandow had some decent gear anaw including a braw back body drop. ADR shows up on the stage, which apparently distracts nae cunt and served nae purpose whatsoever as RVD wins clean wae the 5 star frog splash.
Del Rio gets on the mic. I think. Did he? I really cannae mind, I assume he did or whit wis the fuckin point in him showin his glaikit face? Fuck knows. If he did it wis predictably unmemorable so aye...that wis that.
And now to the undoubted highlight on what was a bit of a shanner of a RAW. Cody Rhodes is stopped as he leaves the building for the "last time" and asked for his thoughts on his firing. He fires intae a majestic promo which for me simple HAS tae mean he's due an even bigger push when he returns. The promo is all about how the McMahons have always hated his faimly, and they proved it by taking his auld Da, a former world champion/total monster, and turning him intae a polka dot bearing saft cunt. (he's no wrang either, my only memory of Dusty when I wis wee, is him greetin about Sweet Sapphire gettin wooed by the Million Dollar Man at Summerslam 90) He then talks about his big brerr Goldust being a smashin brawler back in the day, only tae be turned intae a glorified cabaret act when he got tae the WWE. In terms of delivery, and getting people engaged in whit he wis sayin, this wis perfect promo work fae Cody. The perfect way tae sign aff when yer taking a wee break. Fair play tae the lad, once ye get back fae Bermuda, we'll be expecting that every week aff ye. Nae pressure or that. Enjoy being married.
Daniel Bryan vs The Big Show
As a fun wee spot, we made a water-slide ootae aw the tears Show has shed over the past week, and both competitors slid doon tae the ring. Nah really though, once again aw the wrasslers are gathered on the stage, cause apparently its in Zack Ryders contract that he needs tae appear on RAW at least twice a year. Anyway, Bryan comes oot tae the usual fuckin intense pop. Blood vessel in my eye burst open and drooned ma laptop thats how rousing it wis. Show comes oot wae a bandana reading "I'm sorry!" wrapped room his heid. They get intae the match, and much of the early stages is the Big Show beggin Bryan tae lay aff. "I've had a really hard day Dan! the mean lady was mean to me" but Dannys no huvin it, and as a result we actually had an awrite match. Particularly loved the dropick Bryan hit Show wae on the leg, which Show sold perfectly. Looked lit Roman Reigns had hit him wae a million spears, such wis the ferocity of the sell job. Show decides enough is enough, and gets himsell up the road, before....ugh...Triple H flung himsell oot a helicopter tae give us our 1923883th Triple H sighting of the night. He orders Show back intae the ring, cause d'ye know whit?
Triple H is a prick.
The Shield arrive and dae their usual hing, battering the shite oota Daniel Bryan. I like yees boays, but if ye keep knocking Bryans cunt in, I'll huv tae introduce yees tae the erse end of a shovel. Triple H continues tae order Show back intae ring tae "FINISH THE JOB GIANT!" and after a struggle where Show gret like a fuckin wean throughout, he eventually knocks Bryan the fuck out. The Shield had already Triple Powerbombed the poor soul anaw. Ach it wid just make yer hert sare. He's gettin his cunt kicked in at least once a week these days, often twice.
Orton emerges tae mark his territory by pishin roon the perimeter of the ring, before puttin his foot on Bryan and haudin the title aloft. Aye very good dicklips, yer still a fuckin wet blanket.
Overall, a lot tae fuckin hate about RAW this week; nae Cesaro, nae Shield match, a shanner of a Dolph match, nae Punk/Heyman promo. Just nae fun really. If it wisnae for Codys match and promo, Bryans promo at the start and some decent acting fae Show, it widda been a total write aff, but I'm gonnae gie it a somewhat kind 6 European uppercuts oota 10.
Unless yer some kinda P.E teacher or suhin, and he have access tae crash mats, do NOT try anything ye see on RAW at home, up the roof of the high flats, or at school. Stay safe. Don't try this.
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