Its around half 1.30am in Scotland, and I'm going through my usual Pre-Impact routine. Incessantly checking Twitter for nothing in particular, watching NXT and trying to ascertain if I need to add a few large measures of vodka to the coke I'm drinking. Upon my 100th refresh of my twitter homepage in the previous 3 minutes, I see someone has posted an image and curious that it might be boobs, I opened it. It wasn't boobs, but it was a photo of the crowd for Impact live that night, and it was around half empty. A saddening, but understandable sight. My twitter feed, which is usually red hot during RAW is deathly quiet. Even the usual few people who tweet during Impact are nowhere to be seen, I think I'm the last man standing. Most of my survival instincts are based around being able to operate a Panini Press, and there wasn't one in the vicinity so I was screwed. No way I could make it on my own.
The reason for my abandonment escaped me. Were people really THAT pissed off that Bully Ray is champion again? Were they so heartbroken that D-Von got fired and they couldn't bear life without him? Then it dawned on me. After a month in "meetings" with people of importance (probably with the guy who gets him his growth hormones), Hulk Hogan was scheduled to return to Impact this week.....
*flat-line*
Thankfully he didn't open the show, although I'm saying that before I saw the mess that did open the show. Aces and Eights come down the ramp, all looking irked. Bully gets on the mic and informs us all that he is "IN A BAAAAD MOOD!" before asking every single one of the mid card jobbers he calls "brothers" how they allowed last weeks events to happen, the only one who offers anything other than a mumble is Mr Anderson, but he is interrupted by Bullys weekly "do you now who i am!" speech, Bully then goes on to inexplicably bury his recently fired Tag team partner for 20 years, calling him a sidekeick, and stating that he's "always been a disappointment" and I just despaired. I really did. Surely Bully wasn't happy about being asked to do this? essentially throwing his best friend under a bus as justification for him being fired. As a fan, it didn't compute with me at all. I don't even have anything funny to say about it, other than Garret Bischoff looks like Curious George, if he was enternally confused rather than curious. Also Brooke Tessmacher was there, and she has some plus points, but not even close to enough of them to save us from our collective apathy for this.
Kazarian vs Jeff Hardy (BFG Series Match)
Hugely disappointing affair this was. The match itself wasn't a compete assault on the senses, but the formulaic enigma pretty much gave us the same routine as usual. The outcome was the thing that bugged me though, because for me in a wrestling sense, Kaz has been on fire lately, and it made no sense whatsoever that he lost cleanly to hardy here. It weakens this alliance he has with Daniels and Roode and weakens his position in the BFG series, whilst pushing Hardy, who I assume isn't going to win the thing because I don't think anyone really needs to see Bully vs Hardy for the belt again, or for any reason. Jeff does pick up the win with the Swanton though, giving him 7 points, and giving me a confusion headache. Also, during this match Jeff locks in quite possibly the worst figure 4 I've ever seen. It looked like he was trying to pull Kazarians leg through a clogged drainpipe. Congratulations Jeff, you've sunk to depths that even The Miz couldn't manage.
Garret Bischoff talking backstage, to his "brothers" I'd like to give you a short list of things I'd rather hear than Garret Bischoff talking.
1. A million cats screeching in unison, to the backdrop of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey
2. Scott Stiener cut a promo on equal rights.
3. The sound of every bone in my foot breaking as a bus runs over it.
4. Any musical offering from Rusell Crowe
The fact that my ears were exposed to Garrett Bischoff saying words fills me with a heart wrenching, artery clogging sorrow. I don't deserve this. WE don't deserve this.
Gail Kim vs ODB (2 out of the 3 falls match)
The all of a sudden the world made sense again. This was an excellent match, but what else could you expect from these two? Especially with the 2 out of 3 falls stip. I realise the knockouts are thin on the ground now, but the booking and quality of matches in this division continues to defy the standard higher up the card. The first fall goes to Gail Kim as, she she makes ODB tap to a modified sharpshooter . ODB seems dead to the world at this point, as Gail jumps right back on the injured leg. Seemingly headed for a surprisingly easy win, she gets a bit cocky and ODB catches the quick roll-up to even the score. Gail is obviously upset at her concentration lapse, and gets right back to weakening ODBs amazonian legs, locking in a figure four on the ringpost and also just generally kicking her a lot. In Scotland we have a word for matches like this. That word is "braw". The word braw is used a general word to sum up things which are enjoyable. Many of the things I use the word "braw" for were on display in his match. Great technical wrestling, gripping storytelling, and beautiful women. So this ticked all the boxes for me, and I loved the twist ending, with ODB getting the final fall via submission with her own modified sharpshooter/texas cloverleaf
.
Velvet Sky segment backstage. She's asked about the nature of her relationship with Chris Sabin. Chris Sabin was the TNA Champion 2 weeks ago. That really happened.
Roode and Daniels talking backstage about their inability to interfere in each others matches. I actually liked this idea as it gave them all the chance to go over clean, and strengthen the stable, but with Kaz being defeated earlier, and Roode set to face a resurgent AJ Styles, I think its design was more to weaken the group, and that idea is not one I like. A slow and rueful shake of the head is all I have for this.
The third entirely unrelated segment in a row. I cant fathom why TNA do this every week. I really don't get it. It must lose them so many casual viewers who don't have the first idea what's going on. This time its Aries talking about the events of last week (when he refused to join Bad Influence/Roode) but Daniels interrupts and simply asks "why didnt you join the party Austin? we could have been special!" Aries tells him to find the nearest steep hill, grease it up real nice and slide all the way down it, and straight off the edge of the earth. For all his wisdom it seemed strange that Austin Aries didn't know that the earth was round, but we'll put that down to TNA creative, and the fact that I made it up. Anyway, the point in the whole thing is that Aries will face Daniels in the main event, and that's just fantastic news.
Next up is a MEM promo in the ring. They let Rampage talk AGAIN, so I cant even muster up the ability to even pretend I gave a shit. The whole thing is just set up for AJ Styles to come out and re-announce himself on the wrestling world so we'll move on o that shall we? Yeah. AJ gets on the mic and cuts a shoot promo, probably worked, on how terrible his treatment has been. How poorly he has been utilised, and how he's ready to put the company back on his shoulders again. As nice as it is to see that he is once again back to the passionate, and engaging AJ Styles we used to love, its still no excuse for the complete lack of effort in his work over the past 6 months. He has for too much natural ability for anything to stop him having one of the best matches on the card every night, and for me his inability to do that is what seperartes him from the likes of Punk, Aries, Bryan and Roode. Even when their writing is garbage, and their story is directionless they almost always still manage to put on a show in that ring, and AJ has only been doing that maybe half the time. Anyway, he shouts at various people for a while longer, before Bobby Roode comes out for their match.
AJ Styles vs Bobby Roode.
Ach this was ok. Should really have been a lot better though. Its all a bit too deliberately paced for my liking. It swings back and forth, before AJ gets Roode grounded and gets him in the calf killer. Roode breaks free and looks to take over, but his attempt at a perfect plex is reversed into a sloppy roll-up and AJ gets the win. Yet another nail in the coffin for this bad influence/roode stable as they go 0-2 in their solo ventures, and yet another wrestler who has been phoning in his efforts being put over undeservedly, while Roode and BI bust their arses every week. I've come to the conclusion that TNA must really dislike their fanbase now, as in they must have a genuine contempt for them, because whenever there is an angle to get genuinely excited about, it seems to be buried without fanfare. First it was the Aries/Suicide angle, which we got a whole week of excitement out of, and now this. Only a Daniels win later in the night could save it, and even that wouldn't be great, because it would be at the expense of the most consistent performer in the company...Austin Aries.
Christopher Daniels vs Austin Aries
Outstanding encounter between these two, and considering they are 2 of the top 3 wrestlers in the company right now, and probably both in the top 10 in the world also, it could hardly have been anything else. They have an exchange of catch wrestling, which ends with Aries hitting a picture perfect deep armdrag into an armbar. We then move to the outside, where Aries misses a baseball slide, before ducking out of the way of a moonsault attempt from Daniels, and then Aries has his suicide dive attempt countered with a swift kick to the head and I just don't even know whats happening at this point. Its almost too good to take it all in. Daniels then gets Aries grounded, before hitting a springboard moonsault. They exchange forearms/chops/punches before Aries gets the upper hand an unleashes rights, lefts, and ll in between (I have no idea what I mean by that..headbutts?) He then hits Daniels with the pendulum elbow, and at this point I allowed myself a brief, but heartfelt weep. This kind of match is what validates my probably misguided faith that TNA maybe isnt completely done for. Aries hits a top rope missile dropkick, and looks to be closing in on the win. he goes for the brainbuster, but Daniels blocks it. Its second time lucky for A double, after another scintillating exchange of moves and counters, as he hits the brainbuster for the win. For me, this one is up there with Bryan v Rollins, Bryan v Cesaro, Tanahashi vs Okada and Cesaro vs Zayn for MOTY. Absolutely outstanding.
So good, I almost don't want to even tell you what followed it. It was like that beautiful moment where you finally reach the top of the mountain you've been climbing, only to see the sharp, blonde haired, leather skinned descent that faces you on the way down. Hello Mr Bollea. I've been expecting you.
I said this a long time ago, but I re-iterate. The beginning and the end of a weekly wrestling show is how a great percentage of folks will remember it, and the fact that Hogan forces himself into at least one of these segments in every show he's on just tells you where his ego is at. He has this misguided sense of belonging when in reality he is about as welcome as gravel in a cheeseburger, as welcome as nails in an ice cream cone. As welcome as .........Brooke Hogan
Bully Ray comes out, and Hulk is all "brother...you will defend your belt brother, against an Aces and Eights member brother...in 2 weeks...brother...brother man...BRAH!" before then informing him he will face Sting next week in a title match. Sting emerges and makes a beeline for Bullys jaw, which was fun. Their match at Slammiversary was a belter, so this one next week should be no different. But lets not get bogged down with the positives here, lets instead remind ourselves that Bully uses the words "daddio" and "jack!" during his part of this promo, and he was by far the standout performer of it, before Hulk parodies Bullys "do you know who I am?" routine in the most awkward way possible. It was so bad, I'm convinced that if he took those sunglasses off, he'd reveal his eyes to had been replaced by two lizards fighting each other.
Overall this week Impact was largely horrendous, but its saved from being total crap by a MOTY candidate in Daniels vs Aries, and a MOTY candidate for womens wrestling is ODB vs Gail im. Huge lowlights were the Hogans involvement, the burial of Bad Influence and Roode, and the fact that I didn't get to see Eric Young be hilarious at any point. Also GARRETT BISCHOFF GOT TO SPEAK TWICE. I'm sorry for the caps, but it genuinely slipped my mind that he also spoke during the opening promo. Oh dear lord, who allowed this to happen? They MUST be held accountable.
Yeah. See the Daniels vs Aries match if you can. ODB vs Gail if you have the time, but I urge you to avoid most of the rest of this like the plague.
I'm sorry if the above seems harsh, but i calls it like I sees it. Be good. ;) I give it 5 spinning neckbreakers out of 10 (2 without the Gail v ODB match and the Daniels v Aries masterpiece)
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
I Am The Tag Team Champions - Review
When me and my mate decided to descend on Edinburgh a day early, to catch Billy Kirkwood and Chris Brookers wrasslin themed comedy show "I Am The Tag Team Champions" We had a few key concerns. The first one was the fact that its £12.80 for a pint of flavoured water in most Edinburgh public houses, and the second and most pertinent concern was that there are NAE FUCKIN SIGNPOSTS ANYWHERE.
Sorry. I tried oot the phone voice there, but I cannae dae it. Much like yer da when he's on the phone tae SKY about "this PPV hing it says on the bill, £15.99...whit the fucks this?" that you have denied all knowledge of. (True story btw, I got a WWE PPV once without telling him when I was about 15 and actually got my da to demand it was taken off the bill, denied it tae I was literally blue in the face, thats why I rarely lie these days, wisnae worth the Hernia)
So we hopped off the train at Waverly and climbed up a million steps, with a general but extremely vague idea of the direction we were heading in. We emerged into the streets of Edinburgh bathed in the early evening sunshine, and for the very first time in my visits to the capital, I wisnae hating it. The streets were buzzing with tourists (one of whom I elbowed in the ribs when I was clumsily puttin my jacket on....my apologies big yin) a fair few of those tourists were female, and as braw as could be. We arrived with a solid hauf hour to find the venue, nae problem says we. Naivety has been the death of wiser men than myself, so it was foolish to be stoatin about an unfamiliar landscape with such self assurance. 25 minutes later we're heading down a side-street opposite a car park, not entirely sure if we were heading to a venue where the retail of smack is commonplace, or a venue where we, and 100 or so other wrasslin fans would congregate for a right gid giggle.
Thankfully the side-street did indeed lead us to Studio 24, for I am The Tag Team Champions. Around 15-30 seconds before it was due to begin. Fashionably early, as per usual.
The show began with our hosts/comedians/potential human pyramid partners, Billy Kirkwood and Chris Brooker arriving to murmurs of "who the fuck are these cunts?" and one outright chant of "WE WENT RENFREW!" Unpleasant, but the only way was up from there I suppose.
Really though, they emerged to rapturous applause, and why the fuck wouldn't they? they were putting on a show about wrestling, for wrestling fans. They were hero's amongst largely bearded, and probably shitely tattooed mortals.
The show began with Kirkwood and Brooker firing straight into the patter, mainly about the sound guys inability to cut their entrance music quickly enough, to chants of "YOU FUCKED UP!" it was like ICW had arrived a day early, cept marginally more sweaty (the beam I was leaning on wis wetter than Annabel Goldie at an anti-independence rally) They then fire into a hilarious bit about the 5 stages of Broadus Clay, which was essentially the 5 stages of grief, but acceptance is less about moving on, and more about an all out fuckin disco.
Funky's oan a roll.
We then fire intae some improv stuff, as Billy disappears backstage while Chris asks the audience for 3 things the Billy has to guess upon his return. We have to decide which wrestler Billy is, which non wrestler opponent he has for a grudge match and the stipulation of said grudge match. The collective disturbance of those attending this show was clear as fuckin crystal with some of the shouts, but the match we come up with is Isaac Yankem DDS vs Dot Cotton in a "CSA Cheque on a pole" match. Mr Kirkwood understandably fuckin struggles tae get it, cause even his brain isnae that far gone.We also have our first "botch" from one of the performers, and Chris Brooker forgets that its a CSA Cheque on the pole and instead drops hints that its a strap-on, but we'll let him away wae it eh. Aw part of the fun int it?
BOOM BOOM!
Our first guest of the evening is none other than the boldest of aw the bold, Colt Cabana. He has the exact same task as Billy has, but before he disappears, he hilariously digs up Mr Brooker for his previous error. I believe he throws in a "fuck you" but much like the way we use the word "cunt" it seems oddy friendly and endearing. The match the crowd come up wae this time is The Shockmaster, taking on The Pope and the reason for the match is the fact that The Shockmaster was the previous pPope, before the current pope took his job. Colt fuckin slays it. As he guessed all of the Shockmasters previous gimmicks before crying out "I'M CODY RHODES UNCLE!" amidst crys of "naw yer no!" "haha Colt fucked it" and even one guy went "mare like Dolt Cabana!" but that line was the ultimate test of wrasslin fanboydom as The Shockmaster is indeed the biological uncle to Cody Rhodes. I'd love tae be able tae tell ye I'm cool enough to not get such references, but I did and had sly wee chuckle to myself as Colt took an immense amount of pleasure on telling us that he was indeed Cody Rhodes Uncle THE SHOCKMASTER. Probably the funniest thing about his wee segment was his inability to guess that his opponent was the pope, despite heavy child abuse based hints. Other guesses ranged from Jimmy Saville to "that cardinal guy?" and after what felt like about an hour, yer man finally got there. He eventually gets the reason behind the grudge match after someone fires oot the "they took our jobs!" quote fae South Park and sadly that brings an end to his wee guest spot, but it whetted the appetite for the shenanigans to follow at ICW the next night.
INTERMISSION/CHUG BREAK
The second half the show brings three new guests. Owner of Insane Championship Wrestling, and purveyor of debauchery Mark Dallas, ICW wrestler Chris Renfrew, and an English comedian named Pr...I mean Dick Coughlan. I'll tell ye nae lies, my only knowledge of Renfrews work before this show was his character in ICW and I wisnae a fan (I say that with much trepidation as the likelihood of him meeting and subsequently kickin my cunt in is fairly high) that's obviously a sign that his recent heel work has had the desired effect though, but he really got on my tits . Never has my opinion of someone done such a swift 360, as Renfrew comes brusting through the door to the Ultimate Warriors music, and hilariously does Warriors "runnin aboot eccied oot my brain" ring entrance, before gleefully accepting Chris Brookers offer to use his arm as a top rope fur shaking (for those reading this who urnae wrasslin fans, during his entrance Warrior used to shake the top rope like it wis a vendy that just ate his pound coin...cause as we all know theres two things Warrior loves in this world..a cauld can of Lilt oot the vendy, and pretending any pedigrees he receives just didnae happen) Next up Dick Coughlan emerges to Val Venis' entrance music. Good start ma man, whit ye got for me next? Mick Foleys yer favourite wrestler aye? Sold! Welcome to the party brother.
If only he had got the fuck outta there while it was all going so well. Ach it was a cracking night, and I'm really in nae position to critique anyone who has the baws to be up on a stage infront of 100+ folk trying to make them laugh, but I think he mibbe misjudged the audience a wee bit, because his early jokes fuckin died a horrendous death. Harrowing stuff. He proceeds to insult all Glaswegians, midgets and even ICW owner Mark Dallas when he made some crack about the wages being shite. The tone of it just wisnae in-keeping with the show to that point if ye ask me. A wee bit abrasive. He improved right enough, and the bit where he had tae play a one legged wrestler who had his caravan stolen by Renfrew was funny stuff. My favourite part of that the second half was undoubtedly the teleshopping bit, where Brooker and Renfrew played two hosts of a late night shopping channel selling Koko B Ware Christmas baubles, and the other three have to phone in enquiring about said baubles. Dallas and Kirkwood both give us hilarious variations on steamin guys phoning in which had me in stitches. Pish runnin doon the leg type of material. I'd love tae be able to recite any funny lines in particular, but it was 5 days ago now and I can barely remember the events of this morning, so please accept my assurances that it was fuckin hilarious. I love ye too much tae even lie.
The final part of the night has some audience participation, as they get two members of the crowd up to guess wrestling themes, as recited by Dallas and Renfrew. Hilarious the prize pot included a Jerry Lawler biography and a Best Of Kerry Von Erich VHS (fuckin NEED that tape btw) so the stakes were high. It was all going swimmingly until about the third tune, as Dallas and Renfrew recited Razor Ramons theme fuckin perfectly whilst these two zoomers just stared blankly. I'll allow a lot of wrasslin knowledge gaps to go unpunished. Its a rich and diverse subject ma man. Occasionally there will be slip ups, but not knowing the Bad Guys music when ye hear it? nut. Unacceptable. License to call yersell a wrestling fan revoked for good. Neither of them getting Hollywood Hogans theme either was just the icing on the cake of their collective failure. Neither of them deserved to even be within touching distance of that Kerry Von Erich tape, but the one who was marginally less shite than the other took it home. Probably sittin in a cupboard somewhere gathering dust so it is. I widda treated ye the way ye deserved to be treated Kerry. Make sure the tele's tuned in perfectly so the world can see ye at yer best, and of course you'd be rewound promptly after each usage. Truth be told, I dont think I'll ever come to terms with not going home with that tape in my possession, but thats my cross to bear innit. That's no for yo to worry about.
All-in all, a fantastic night. A must see for any wrestling fan. As our hosts informed us as the evening kicked off (in a very Mel Gibson in Braveheart sorta way anaw btw...fuckin FREEDOM) in this kind of environment...we outnumber them! In that room, there was nae shame. Nae excuses to be made as to why you seem to book a lot of Mondays off work. None of that shite, we were all out n proud. Wrestling fans united. And why the fuck shouldn't we be? Wrestling is nae different to other form of mainstream entertainment, other than the density of hauf naked men touching each other involved. But its aw about stories. Its about suspending disbelief whilst these highly trained supermen throw each other about for our viewing pleasure. I really didnae intend for this to sound so home-erotic when I started it, but it is whit it is.
Huge thank you to both Billy Kirkwood and Chris Brooker for a smashing night, Billy in particular who kindly fired me on the guestlist for this show. I've nae doubt that this will be a smash hit across the UK if they decide to take it on tour.
Overall I give it 9 springboard moonsaults outta 10. Get along to see it if it comes to a town near you.
Sorry. I tried oot the phone voice there, but I cannae dae it. Much like yer da when he's on the phone tae SKY about "this PPV hing it says on the bill, £15.99...whit the fucks this?" that you have denied all knowledge of. (True story btw, I got a WWE PPV once without telling him when I was about 15 and actually got my da to demand it was taken off the bill, denied it tae I was literally blue in the face, thats why I rarely lie these days, wisnae worth the Hernia)
So we hopped off the train at Waverly and climbed up a million steps, with a general but extremely vague idea of the direction we were heading in. We emerged into the streets of Edinburgh bathed in the early evening sunshine, and for the very first time in my visits to the capital, I wisnae hating it. The streets were buzzing with tourists (one of whom I elbowed in the ribs when I was clumsily puttin my jacket on....my apologies big yin) a fair few of those tourists were female, and as braw as could be. We arrived with a solid hauf hour to find the venue, nae problem says we. Naivety has been the death of wiser men than myself, so it was foolish to be stoatin about an unfamiliar landscape with such self assurance. 25 minutes later we're heading down a side-street opposite a car park, not entirely sure if we were heading to a venue where the retail of smack is commonplace, or a venue where we, and 100 or so other wrasslin fans would congregate for a right gid giggle.
Thankfully the side-street did indeed lead us to Studio 24, for I am The Tag Team Champions. Around 15-30 seconds before it was due to begin. Fashionably early, as per usual.
The show began with our hosts/comedians/potential human pyramid partners, Billy Kirkwood and Chris Brooker arriving to murmurs of "who the fuck are these cunts?" and one outright chant of "WE WENT RENFREW!" Unpleasant, but the only way was up from there I suppose.
Really though, they emerged to rapturous applause, and why the fuck wouldn't they? they were putting on a show about wrestling, for wrestling fans. They were hero's amongst largely bearded, and probably shitely tattooed mortals.
The show began with Kirkwood and Brooker firing straight into the patter, mainly about the sound guys inability to cut their entrance music quickly enough, to chants of "YOU FUCKED UP!" it was like ICW had arrived a day early, cept marginally more sweaty (the beam I was leaning on wis wetter than Annabel Goldie at an anti-independence rally) They then fire into a hilarious bit about the 5 stages of Broadus Clay, which was essentially the 5 stages of grief, but acceptance is less about moving on, and more about an all out fuckin disco.
Funky's oan a roll.
We then fire intae some improv stuff, as Billy disappears backstage while Chris asks the audience for 3 things the Billy has to guess upon his return. We have to decide which wrestler Billy is, which non wrestler opponent he has for a grudge match and the stipulation of said grudge match. The collective disturbance of those attending this show was clear as fuckin crystal with some of the shouts, but the match we come up with is Isaac Yankem DDS vs Dot Cotton in a "CSA Cheque on a pole" match. Mr Kirkwood understandably fuckin struggles tae get it, cause even his brain isnae that far gone.We also have our first "botch" from one of the performers, and Chris Brooker forgets that its a CSA Cheque on the pole and instead drops hints that its a strap-on, but we'll let him away wae it eh. Aw part of the fun int it?
BOOM BOOM!
Our first guest of the evening is none other than the boldest of aw the bold, Colt Cabana. He has the exact same task as Billy has, but before he disappears, he hilariously digs up Mr Brooker for his previous error. I believe he throws in a "fuck you" but much like the way we use the word "cunt" it seems oddy friendly and endearing. The match the crowd come up wae this time is The Shockmaster, taking on The Pope and the reason for the match is the fact that The Shockmaster was the previous pPope, before the current pope took his job. Colt fuckin slays it. As he guessed all of the Shockmasters previous gimmicks before crying out "I'M CODY RHODES UNCLE!" amidst crys of "naw yer no!" "haha Colt fucked it" and even one guy went "mare like Dolt Cabana!" but that line was the ultimate test of wrasslin fanboydom as The Shockmaster is indeed the biological uncle to Cody Rhodes. I'd love tae be able tae tell ye I'm cool enough to not get such references, but I did and had sly wee chuckle to myself as Colt took an immense amount of pleasure on telling us that he was indeed Cody Rhodes Uncle THE SHOCKMASTER. Probably the funniest thing about his wee segment was his inability to guess that his opponent was the pope, despite heavy child abuse based hints. Other guesses ranged from Jimmy Saville to "that cardinal guy?" and after what felt like about an hour, yer man finally got there. He eventually gets the reason behind the grudge match after someone fires oot the "they took our jobs!" quote fae South Park and sadly that brings an end to his wee guest spot, but it whetted the appetite for the shenanigans to follow at ICW the next night.
INTERMISSION/CHUG BREAK
The second half the show brings three new guests. Owner of Insane Championship Wrestling, and purveyor of debauchery Mark Dallas, ICW wrestler Chris Renfrew, and an English comedian named Pr...I mean Dick Coughlan. I'll tell ye nae lies, my only knowledge of Renfrews work before this show was his character in ICW and I wisnae a fan (I say that with much trepidation as the likelihood of him meeting and subsequently kickin my cunt in is fairly high) that's obviously a sign that his recent heel work has had the desired effect though, but he really got on my tits . Never has my opinion of someone done such a swift 360, as Renfrew comes brusting through the door to the Ultimate Warriors music, and hilariously does Warriors "runnin aboot eccied oot my brain" ring entrance, before gleefully accepting Chris Brookers offer to use his arm as a top rope fur shaking (for those reading this who urnae wrasslin fans, during his entrance Warrior used to shake the top rope like it wis a vendy that just ate his pound coin...cause as we all know theres two things Warrior loves in this world..a cauld can of Lilt oot the vendy, and pretending any pedigrees he receives just didnae happen) Next up Dick Coughlan emerges to Val Venis' entrance music. Good start ma man, whit ye got for me next? Mick Foleys yer favourite wrestler aye? Sold! Welcome to the party brother.
If only he had got the fuck outta there while it was all going so well. Ach it was a cracking night, and I'm really in nae position to critique anyone who has the baws to be up on a stage infront of 100+ folk trying to make them laugh, but I think he mibbe misjudged the audience a wee bit, because his early jokes fuckin died a horrendous death. Harrowing stuff. He proceeds to insult all Glaswegians, midgets and even ICW owner Mark Dallas when he made some crack about the wages being shite. The tone of it just wisnae in-keeping with the show to that point if ye ask me. A wee bit abrasive. He improved right enough, and the bit where he had tae play a one legged wrestler who had his caravan stolen by Renfrew was funny stuff. My favourite part of that the second half was undoubtedly the teleshopping bit, where Brooker and Renfrew played two hosts of a late night shopping channel selling Koko B Ware Christmas baubles, and the other three have to phone in enquiring about said baubles. Dallas and Kirkwood both give us hilarious variations on steamin guys phoning in which had me in stitches. Pish runnin doon the leg type of material. I'd love tae be able to recite any funny lines in particular, but it was 5 days ago now and I can barely remember the events of this morning, so please accept my assurances that it was fuckin hilarious. I love ye too much tae even lie.
The final part of the night has some audience participation, as they get two members of the crowd up to guess wrestling themes, as recited by Dallas and Renfrew. Hilarious the prize pot included a Jerry Lawler biography and a Best Of Kerry Von Erich VHS (fuckin NEED that tape btw) so the stakes were high. It was all going swimmingly until about the third tune, as Dallas and Renfrew recited Razor Ramons theme fuckin perfectly whilst these two zoomers just stared blankly. I'll allow a lot of wrasslin knowledge gaps to go unpunished. Its a rich and diverse subject ma man. Occasionally there will be slip ups, but not knowing the Bad Guys music when ye hear it? nut. Unacceptable. License to call yersell a wrestling fan revoked for good. Neither of them getting Hollywood Hogans theme either was just the icing on the cake of their collective failure. Neither of them deserved to even be within touching distance of that Kerry Von Erich tape, but the one who was marginally less shite than the other took it home. Probably sittin in a cupboard somewhere gathering dust so it is. I widda treated ye the way ye deserved to be treated Kerry. Make sure the tele's tuned in perfectly so the world can see ye at yer best, and of course you'd be rewound promptly after each usage. Truth be told, I dont think I'll ever come to terms with not going home with that tape in my possession, but thats my cross to bear innit. That's no for yo to worry about.
All-in all, a fantastic night. A must see for any wrestling fan. As our hosts informed us as the evening kicked off (in a very Mel Gibson in Braveheart sorta way anaw btw...fuckin FREEDOM) in this kind of environment...we outnumber them! In that room, there was nae shame. Nae excuses to be made as to why you seem to book a lot of Mondays off work. None of that shite, we were all out n proud. Wrestling fans united. And why the fuck shouldn't we be? Wrestling is nae different to other form of mainstream entertainment, other than the density of hauf naked men touching each other involved. But its aw about stories. Its about suspending disbelief whilst these highly trained supermen throw each other about for our viewing pleasure. I really didnae intend for this to sound so home-erotic when I started it, but it is whit it is.
Huge thank you to both Billy Kirkwood and Chris Brooker for a smashing night, Billy in particular who kindly fired me on the guestlist for this show. I've nae doubt that this will be a smash hit across the UK if they decide to take it on tour.
Overall I give it 9 springboard moonsaults outta 10. Get along to see it if it comes to a town near you.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
WWE RAW Review 26/08/2013
Post ICW Raws are tricky wee cunts so they urr. I usually find that around RAW time is when the adrenaline starts tae wear aff, and yer arse begins the process of deflating, so RAW will either send ye intae a full on suicidal tailspin, or it'll return ye to the promised land. Where life is just gid wrasslin, pretty colours and an endless buffet table fulla tuna melts, and kit kats.
This RAW thankfully fell intae the latter category.
The show opens wae The Shield guarding an empty ring. The ring wid soon contain a Triple H n Randy Orton promo though, and if Trips had any say in it, Randys ring wid soon contain Triple H. I cannae begin tae tell ye just how harrowing it is tae see baith of these cunts emerge first when yer watchin RAW through tired eyes, but the promo is actually braw. Trips informed everyone that he really likes how oily Randy always is, and that's the reason he engineered this latest WWE Title rain, cause he just loves his oily diddies. He then lets us know he bought Randy a brand new car wae his own money. As a congratulations for being able to cover a guy who Triple H had knocked out. Basically the promo wis one older man, buying his younger friend a motor, after he had softened another man up adequately for that younger man tae lie on top of him. If you didnae see this promo exactly like I did, then I dunno, mibbe yer normal.
My main man Daniel Bryan floats interrupts this love in and gies us a wee goosey at that fluffy face. If yer capable of it, regardless of yer gender, get yersell a big beard. Its a braw caper so it is. Not only are the burds soakin fur it, but its handy fur keepin essential items in. Typa stuff ye might need at a moments notice, like a first aid kit, or two eccies tied tae a wham bar.
Daniel Bryan talks about how he's gonnae take that belt back at Night of Champions, and also how he's gonnae wrap Triple H in tin foil, and cook uhm. Triple H is lit that "nope" and instead books Daniel Bryan in a gauntlet match aaginst The Shield. Aye...thats right. That means DANIEL BRYAN VS DEAN AMBROSE. My erection wis pulsating so hard at this announcement the earth done a wee shimmy and a shake. Shoogly woogly.
The Miz vs The World
(It wis actually Fandango vs Cody Rhodes, then The Miz and Cody vs Fandango and Sandow)
The fuckin Miz serrrrrrrrrrrrr. Exasperates me how much of a fuckin insufferable tink he is. We're huvin a perfectly good match between two of my favourite cunts. Cody n Curtis, coupla fuckin mad cases just bein mad the gether. 3 or 4 minutes in, Fandangos music plays and oot he comes...only he's in the ring and the cunt that comes oot is none other than The Miz. Here's the thing Miz ma man, get a rolling pin, roll yersell oot as thin as possible, stick yersell in an envelope and mail yersell tae the nearest volcanic eruption. His distraction leads tae Cody pinning Fandango, and then everyone gets distracted by the walking sweat shower Brad Maddox. This week Bradley has sweated through a pair of overalls made oota lions teeth, and he hilariously announces himself as "DJ Maestro Maddox" which made me hit the giggles somethin fierce. Before announcing that Sandow and Curtis wid team up tae face Miz and Cody. (aye...making tag team matches and no gien Teddy Long props again...Maddox is either the maist sleekit creep on planet earth, or the best actor tae come oota WWE since Triple H in Blade 3)
We actually got a proper match outta that, but it ended wae mare strange Fandango booking so it can choke on a solid wee jobby. He basically leaves Sandow stranded for nae reason, and Miz hits the skullcrushing finale for the win. Out of aw the folk involved, for Miz tae come out wae the pin makes blood shoot my ears. Also Rosa Mendes accompanied him tae the ring when he wis kiddin on tae be Fandango, gien us all a wlecome reminder that Rosa Mendes is HOAT.
A Los Matadores VT. Deliberately left this shite outta last weeks review for 2 reasons.
1. Its Tito Santanas jobber gimmick, x 2.
2. Its fuckin Primo n Epico. An already established team, who've held the tag belts.
This is like The Outlaws being taken off TV for a few months, then being brought back as Gary and Tam. Wise crackin welders fae the east-end. Its fuckin daft, and after some promising signs wae the Usos push, its a backwards step for the tag division if these cunts are pushed. Nut. I'm no a fan.
Orton and Christian promo backstage. Cause they have a match later, which is of great significance to everything. Wrasslin related and otherwise.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel
Ye know theres something just no clicking about a wrassler, when he can be involved in such a dramatic and well worked angle like this Punk/Heyman one and he still disnae really get over. Curtis Axel just bores people. Mibbe thats him being a victim of how amazing his auld da wis, but nothing he does is grabbing folk. Promo wise he delivers every line wae the awkwardness of you phoning up an Aunty ye never see tae thank her for yer birthday card. Just nae gid. Theres a vote before this match regarding the stip, and out of the three options, the one chosen wis that if Punk won, he'd get tae face Heyman in a match after the Axel one. Axel tries tae re-assure Heyman theres nae way Punks beating him, but aw I heard come out of his dour gub wis "I gotta go to K-Mart! they got 2 for 1 on jerky at K-Mart!"
I properly enjoyed the match but. That's Axels saving grace right there, his work in the ring is close tae his dads standard. Also heavy intae this thing where Heyman edges closer/further away fae the ring depending on how well Axel is doing. Perfect storytelling, and the best wis yet tae come. Punk hits a GTS fae naeplace and gets the win, so now it wis time for the real fight tae begin. (that rhymed a wee bit there eh? tee he...whituhmalike) Heyman tries tae bolt, but he's forced intae the ring and it looks like his day of reckoning has arrived. Only for Axel tae completely black oot, and decide he's actually the result of The Big Bossmans spunk and no Mr Perfects. Handcuffs Punk so he does, and him and Heyman start teeing aff on him wae a Kendo Stick. Dae they but? no quite yet, as Punk manages tae get himself up, and starts bootin the cunts whilst handcuffed. He cries oot "shin shatterer!" before one kick in particular, and I believe it actually shattered wee Heymans left shin.. pure shame man, numbers game wins oot as usual but and they eventually get Punk down. Kendo stick assault continues, wae Heyman screaming about how much he loves Punk throughout. This was that typa segment that makes yer belly dae somersaults. Just felt like it wis 100 percent real. They really dae a proper job on Puns back wae the kendo stick anaw, as he can see its aw bleedin tae fuck when he makes his way up the ramp. Sare. Everything that happens tae Punk these days just looks really fuckin sare. Physically and emotionally. Ye must be knackered mate.
AJ Lee promo (also Nattie vs Brie Bella)
Fuck the match. Nattie looked perfect as per, but she didnae win so I wont even bother ye wae any patter about the match. AJ emerges after it but, and cuts probably the best wumans promo of all time. Considering I loved Kaylee Rays promo (ach I just love Kaylee Ray really) on Sunday in that pure broad glesga/wherever shes fae accent, for RAW tae manage tae top it the next night is quite an impressive feat. Basically the cast of Total Divas is out for that "match" we just seen and she cuts a scathing promo on AW of them. Heels, faces, terts and beauties. The hale team gets slated. Calls them aw jokes, and says the prospect of any of them taking her belt is a pile of nonsense. No even worth giein them the time of day. Useless team of slegs. Its really fuckin engaging stuff but, no a fan of Natty gettin chucked under the same bus as the rest of these nae users, but in terms of delivery, its flawless fae wee AJ.
Rob Van Dam vs ADR
Hate this trend of the two cunts in the WH Title fued just wrasslin each other aw the time on TV. Ruins the credibility of the belt so it does. Its purely cause Del Rio cannae cut a promo either. This is aw just time wasted. Dolph should have the belt and he should be feuding wae the likes of Ambrose, Big E n Cesaro. Instead Cesaro is Darren Youngs personal jobber, and Big E is the guy that has tae carry AJ over his knee like shes a petulant toddler when she gets a rage on. Anyway aye, if Van Damn wins he gets a title shoat, and he does indeed get the win after a decent wee match, when Ricardo Rodriguez jumps up on the announce desk and does yon "ROB VAN DAM!" pointin at his back routine, and RVD pins Del Rio wae a sexy wee rollup. Speakin of rolling up, RVD and Ricardo dae just that after the match, and explain tae the world what brought them together. The art of being cool dudes. I like the sarcasm and the patter, but I'm gonnae say quite honestly here that referring to yersells as cool dudes, even as a joke is the worst of aw the patter, and it can graw fangs and bite me.
Ryback promo. Ryback shags Josh Matthews,and when Josh turns roon and asks him whit the moisture is on his back Ryback just goes "RYBACKKKKK DROOOOOLS" End of segment.
Mare Heyman chatter. Axel hangs about in the background, and talks about the free CD he got wae the paper last week, but Heyman is as interesting as ever. Looks on the verge of tears throughout, as he refers to Punk as the prodigal son. Prodigal sons always come home. They always return to where they belong. Mon hame Punk. Stop the sareness.
Randy Orton v Christian
Actually this was no bad, but I also didnae care about it in any way, shape or form. I dunno whit the score is wae Christian ataw. Is he retiring? is it shite of me no tae really care? I like ye n that ma man, but zzzzz. Anyway aye, gid wee match but it says aw ye need tae know about Ortons reign that he's in a competitive midcard match against a cunt who's maist recent achievement is tapping oot tae Del Rio twice. Really selling this sleekit wee heel persona but, as he wins the match by stickin his rotten big thumb in Chrsitians eye, before RKO'in him intae next week. The best bit about this whole thing wis of course Bryan. Who appears on the titantron staunin next tae Randys brand new motor. He tells of his belief that he is the next in line tae lead the company, and assures us of his self belief by showing Randy that he's spray painted YES! aw over the motor. Aw Daniel. You and yer fluffy coupon just embody everything good about pro wrasslin, and I really just want tae huv a shot on the dodgems wae ye. Is that too much tae ask?
Triple H tells Sweattox that he's tae get aw the wrasslers oot tae watch Bryans gauntlet match later, cause apparently him and Orton are gonae squeeze lemon juice intae Bryans eyes, and caw him a dafty,
Titus O'Neil vs Jack Swagger
Shite. Titus won.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Nut. Its too good. I just cannae. A VT of Bray Wyatt explaining the origins of Sister Abigail. Its must see stuff. I'm gid wae words, but I cannae adequately sum this up for ye cause I'm just a man. A mere mortal. Bray Wyatt is not. Bray Wyatt sooked aw the potential good shit that wis gonnae go intae his wee brother straight oot the womb. Similar tae a twin absorbing the other fetus in the womb, cept this time the fetus wis allowed tae be born, and it became the vapid waste of spunk that we've come to know as Bo Dallas. This promo is fuckin unreal but. Terrific in every way. I suggest ye watch it on a loop tae yer heart stops, or tae he cuts another equally gid promo. Whichever ye prefer.
Punk demanding that his match with Heyman happens now. He wants no medical attention for the 9 million whelps and cuts on his back, he just wants tae batter Heyman. Braddox takes a 5 second break fae stickin a tin of hairspray up his arse, tae tell Punk that he's booked him in an Elimination handicap match against Axel and Heyman. Punk appears satisfied wae this and leaves Maddox tae his debauchery.
Los Matadores promo.Nah. I'm no huvin this garbage. Yer Primpo n Epico, and Carlito wis better than yees baith put together. Turn this intae a paper aeroplane and and launch it intae the great abyss.
Daniel Bryan vs The Shield (Gauntlet match)
Rennee Young tries tae get some of the wrasslers gathered on the stage tae talk about how shite Daniel Bryans treatment has been, but they aw refuse, even Big Show, who actually cannae be fired, unless he murders Ric Flair or suhin. Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins make magic together. There really isnae other way to look at it than that. Its no just technically good, it draws ye in as a fan. As a person. Ye cannae take yer eyes aff it. I feel the same way watching this as I huv during any HBK vs Bret Hart match. Not only are they inch perfect wae the work, but they make ye care. That's how good this has the potential tae be if they ever push Rollins enough to make this a main event type of feud. It has fuckin everything so it does, including a top rope German Suplex throw from Bryan on Rollins which honestly sent me flyin clean across the room. Fuckin gone so I wis. Too much tae process. He gets the pin after that visual orgasm of a move, before the dissapointment came. the only thing that could possibly have topped that match was Bryan v Ambrose going 10 minutes at least being as amazing as we've aw envisaged, but instead it was a total ruse. Utter shite. Bryan gets Ambrose in the Yes lock, and Reigns interferes. DQ. Fuck off. Reigns then has his match, and Ambrose jumps in. DQ. Fuck sake. Trips comes oot wae Ortons arse juices on his lips, and tells The Shield tae batter Bryan some more, and they duly oblige cause apparently "justice" these days is daein whit yer arsehole boss tells ye, like a pack of wee wally dugs. They triple powerbomb our boy, before haudin him up for Orton tae stroll doon and RKO him.
This was effective as fuck btw. My desire tae leather everycunt involved in this that wisnae called Daniel Bryan is a sure sign that they're getting it spot on. Wrasslin is just so good right now, it makes me want tae write poems and sing aboot it, but see this right here? these are my poems mate. This is my art. I hope the pictures I see in my heid come across like I want them tae wae these paragraphs, sentences, words n full stops. I hope ye can see what I see.
Overall I gie this RAW 8.5 tilt o whirl backbreakers outta 10. Nae Cesaro or Dolph wrasslin, the Swagger match and that Los Matadores shite wis yer negatives. Everything else wis at its optimum brawness. A wee belter of a RAW I thought.
Remember, if its up yer pals loft, waitin ootside Spar fur it opening, or playing Tekken 2 wae yer best pal. Stay safe, don't try this.
This RAW thankfully fell intae the latter category.
The show opens wae The Shield guarding an empty ring. The ring wid soon contain a Triple H n Randy Orton promo though, and if Trips had any say in it, Randys ring wid soon contain Triple H. I cannae begin tae tell ye just how harrowing it is tae see baith of these cunts emerge first when yer watchin RAW through tired eyes, but the promo is actually braw. Trips informed everyone that he really likes how oily Randy always is, and that's the reason he engineered this latest WWE Title rain, cause he just loves his oily diddies. He then lets us know he bought Randy a brand new car wae his own money. As a congratulations for being able to cover a guy who Triple H had knocked out. Basically the promo wis one older man, buying his younger friend a motor, after he had softened another man up adequately for that younger man tae lie on top of him. If you didnae see this promo exactly like I did, then I dunno, mibbe yer normal.
My main man Daniel Bryan floats interrupts this love in and gies us a wee goosey at that fluffy face. If yer capable of it, regardless of yer gender, get yersell a big beard. Its a braw caper so it is. Not only are the burds soakin fur it, but its handy fur keepin essential items in. Typa stuff ye might need at a moments notice, like a first aid kit, or two eccies tied tae a wham bar.
Daniel Bryan talks about how he's gonnae take that belt back at Night of Champions, and also how he's gonnae wrap Triple H in tin foil, and cook uhm. Triple H is lit that "nope" and instead books Daniel Bryan in a gauntlet match aaginst The Shield. Aye...thats right. That means DANIEL BRYAN VS DEAN AMBROSE. My erection wis pulsating so hard at this announcement the earth done a wee shimmy and a shake. Shoogly woogly.
The Miz vs The World
(It wis actually Fandango vs Cody Rhodes, then The Miz and Cody vs Fandango and Sandow)
The fuckin Miz serrrrrrrrrrrrr. Exasperates me how much of a fuckin insufferable tink he is. We're huvin a perfectly good match between two of my favourite cunts. Cody n Curtis, coupla fuckin mad cases just bein mad the gether. 3 or 4 minutes in, Fandangos music plays and oot he comes...only he's in the ring and the cunt that comes oot is none other than The Miz. Here's the thing Miz ma man, get a rolling pin, roll yersell oot as thin as possible, stick yersell in an envelope and mail yersell tae the nearest volcanic eruption. His distraction leads tae Cody pinning Fandango, and then everyone gets distracted by the walking sweat shower Brad Maddox. This week Bradley has sweated through a pair of overalls made oota lions teeth, and he hilariously announces himself as "DJ Maestro Maddox" which made me hit the giggles somethin fierce. Before announcing that Sandow and Curtis wid team up tae face Miz and Cody. (aye...making tag team matches and no gien Teddy Long props again...Maddox is either the maist sleekit creep on planet earth, or the best actor tae come oota WWE since Triple H in Blade 3)
We actually got a proper match outta that, but it ended wae mare strange Fandango booking so it can choke on a solid wee jobby. He basically leaves Sandow stranded for nae reason, and Miz hits the skullcrushing finale for the win. Out of aw the folk involved, for Miz tae come out wae the pin makes blood shoot my ears. Also Rosa Mendes accompanied him tae the ring when he wis kiddin on tae be Fandango, gien us all a wlecome reminder that Rosa Mendes is HOAT.
A Los Matadores VT. Deliberately left this shite outta last weeks review for 2 reasons.
1. Its Tito Santanas jobber gimmick, x 2.
2. Its fuckin Primo n Epico. An already established team, who've held the tag belts.
This is like The Outlaws being taken off TV for a few months, then being brought back as Gary and Tam. Wise crackin welders fae the east-end. Its fuckin daft, and after some promising signs wae the Usos push, its a backwards step for the tag division if these cunts are pushed. Nut. I'm no a fan.
Orton and Christian promo backstage. Cause they have a match later, which is of great significance to everything. Wrasslin related and otherwise.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel
Ye know theres something just no clicking about a wrassler, when he can be involved in such a dramatic and well worked angle like this Punk/Heyman one and he still disnae really get over. Curtis Axel just bores people. Mibbe thats him being a victim of how amazing his auld da wis, but nothing he does is grabbing folk. Promo wise he delivers every line wae the awkwardness of you phoning up an Aunty ye never see tae thank her for yer birthday card. Just nae gid. Theres a vote before this match regarding the stip, and out of the three options, the one chosen wis that if Punk won, he'd get tae face Heyman in a match after the Axel one. Axel tries tae re-assure Heyman theres nae way Punks beating him, but aw I heard come out of his dour gub wis "I gotta go to K-Mart! they got 2 for 1 on jerky at K-Mart!"
I properly enjoyed the match but. That's Axels saving grace right there, his work in the ring is close tae his dads standard. Also heavy intae this thing where Heyman edges closer/further away fae the ring depending on how well Axel is doing. Perfect storytelling, and the best wis yet tae come. Punk hits a GTS fae naeplace and gets the win, so now it wis time for the real fight tae begin. (that rhymed a wee bit there eh? tee he...whituhmalike) Heyman tries tae bolt, but he's forced intae the ring and it looks like his day of reckoning has arrived. Only for Axel tae completely black oot, and decide he's actually the result of The Big Bossmans spunk and no Mr Perfects. Handcuffs Punk so he does, and him and Heyman start teeing aff on him wae a Kendo Stick. Dae they but? no quite yet, as Punk manages tae get himself up, and starts bootin the cunts whilst handcuffed. He cries oot "shin shatterer!" before one kick in particular, and I believe it actually shattered wee Heymans left shin.. pure shame man, numbers game wins oot as usual but and they eventually get Punk down. Kendo stick assault continues, wae Heyman screaming about how much he loves Punk throughout. This was that typa segment that makes yer belly dae somersaults. Just felt like it wis 100 percent real. They really dae a proper job on Puns back wae the kendo stick anaw, as he can see its aw bleedin tae fuck when he makes his way up the ramp. Sare. Everything that happens tae Punk these days just looks really fuckin sare. Physically and emotionally. Ye must be knackered mate.
AJ Lee promo (also Nattie vs Brie Bella)
Fuck the match. Nattie looked perfect as per, but she didnae win so I wont even bother ye wae any patter about the match. AJ emerges after it but, and cuts probably the best wumans promo of all time. Considering I loved Kaylee Rays promo (ach I just love Kaylee Ray really) on Sunday in that pure broad glesga/wherever shes fae accent, for RAW tae manage tae top it the next night is quite an impressive feat. Basically the cast of Total Divas is out for that "match" we just seen and she cuts a scathing promo on AW of them. Heels, faces, terts and beauties. The hale team gets slated. Calls them aw jokes, and says the prospect of any of them taking her belt is a pile of nonsense. No even worth giein them the time of day. Useless team of slegs. Its really fuckin engaging stuff but, no a fan of Natty gettin chucked under the same bus as the rest of these nae users, but in terms of delivery, its flawless fae wee AJ.
Rob Van Dam vs ADR
Hate this trend of the two cunts in the WH Title fued just wrasslin each other aw the time on TV. Ruins the credibility of the belt so it does. Its purely cause Del Rio cannae cut a promo either. This is aw just time wasted. Dolph should have the belt and he should be feuding wae the likes of Ambrose, Big E n Cesaro. Instead Cesaro is Darren Youngs personal jobber, and Big E is the guy that has tae carry AJ over his knee like shes a petulant toddler when she gets a rage on. Anyway aye, if Van Damn wins he gets a title shoat, and he does indeed get the win after a decent wee match, when Ricardo Rodriguez jumps up on the announce desk and does yon "ROB VAN DAM!" pointin at his back routine, and RVD pins Del Rio wae a sexy wee rollup. Speakin of rolling up, RVD and Ricardo dae just that after the match, and explain tae the world what brought them together. The art of being cool dudes. I like the sarcasm and the patter, but I'm gonnae say quite honestly here that referring to yersells as cool dudes, even as a joke is the worst of aw the patter, and it can graw fangs and bite me.
Ryback promo. Ryback shags Josh Matthews,and when Josh turns roon and asks him whit the moisture is on his back Ryback just goes "RYBACKKKKK DROOOOOLS" End of segment.
Mare Heyman chatter. Axel hangs about in the background, and talks about the free CD he got wae the paper last week, but Heyman is as interesting as ever. Looks on the verge of tears throughout, as he refers to Punk as the prodigal son. Prodigal sons always come home. They always return to where they belong. Mon hame Punk. Stop the sareness.
Randy Orton v Christian
Actually this was no bad, but I also didnae care about it in any way, shape or form. I dunno whit the score is wae Christian ataw. Is he retiring? is it shite of me no tae really care? I like ye n that ma man, but zzzzz. Anyway aye, gid wee match but it says aw ye need tae know about Ortons reign that he's in a competitive midcard match against a cunt who's maist recent achievement is tapping oot tae Del Rio twice. Really selling this sleekit wee heel persona but, as he wins the match by stickin his rotten big thumb in Chrsitians eye, before RKO'in him intae next week. The best bit about this whole thing wis of course Bryan. Who appears on the titantron staunin next tae Randys brand new motor. He tells of his belief that he is the next in line tae lead the company, and assures us of his self belief by showing Randy that he's spray painted YES! aw over the motor. Aw Daniel. You and yer fluffy coupon just embody everything good about pro wrasslin, and I really just want tae huv a shot on the dodgems wae ye. Is that too much tae ask?
Triple H tells Sweattox that he's tae get aw the wrasslers oot tae watch Bryans gauntlet match later, cause apparently him and Orton are gonae squeeze lemon juice intae Bryans eyes, and caw him a dafty,
Titus O'Neil vs Jack Swagger
Shite. Titus won.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Nut. Its too good. I just cannae. A VT of Bray Wyatt explaining the origins of Sister Abigail. Its must see stuff. I'm gid wae words, but I cannae adequately sum this up for ye cause I'm just a man. A mere mortal. Bray Wyatt is not. Bray Wyatt sooked aw the potential good shit that wis gonnae go intae his wee brother straight oot the womb. Similar tae a twin absorbing the other fetus in the womb, cept this time the fetus wis allowed tae be born, and it became the vapid waste of spunk that we've come to know as Bo Dallas. This promo is fuckin unreal but. Terrific in every way. I suggest ye watch it on a loop tae yer heart stops, or tae he cuts another equally gid promo. Whichever ye prefer.
Punk demanding that his match with Heyman happens now. He wants no medical attention for the 9 million whelps and cuts on his back, he just wants tae batter Heyman. Braddox takes a 5 second break fae stickin a tin of hairspray up his arse, tae tell Punk that he's booked him in an Elimination handicap match against Axel and Heyman. Punk appears satisfied wae this and leaves Maddox tae his debauchery.
Los Matadores promo.Nah. I'm no huvin this garbage. Yer Primpo n Epico, and Carlito wis better than yees baith put together. Turn this intae a paper aeroplane and and launch it intae the great abyss.
Daniel Bryan vs The Shield (Gauntlet match)
Rennee Young tries tae get some of the wrasslers gathered on the stage tae talk about how shite Daniel Bryans treatment has been, but they aw refuse, even Big Show, who actually cannae be fired, unless he murders Ric Flair or suhin. Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins make magic together. There really isnae other way to look at it than that. Its no just technically good, it draws ye in as a fan. As a person. Ye cannae take yer eyes aff it. I feel the same way watching this as I huv during any HBK vs Bret Hart match. Not only are they inch perfect wae the work, but they make ye care. That's how good this has the potential tae be if they ever push Rollins enough to make this a main event type of feud. It has fuckin everything so it does, including a top rope German Suplex throw from Bryan on Rollins which honestly sent me flyin clean across the room. Fuckin gone so I wis. Too much tae process. He gets the pin after that visual orgasm of a move, before the dissapointment came. the only thing that could possibly have topped that match was Bryan v Ambrose going 10 minutes at least being as amazing as we've aw envisaged, but instead it was a total ruse. Utter shite. Bryan gets Ambrose in the Yes lock, and Reigns interferes. DQ. Fuck off. Reigns then has his match, and Ambrose jumps in. DQ. Fuck sake. Trips comes oot wae Ortons arse juices on his lips, and tells The Shield tae batter Bryan some more, and they duly oblige cause apparently "justice" these days is daein whit yer arsehole boss tells ye, like a pack of wee wally dugs. They triple powerbomb our boy, before haudin him up for Orton tae stroll doon and RKO him.
This was effective as fuck btw. My desire tae leather everycunt involved in this that wisnae called Daniel Bryan is a sure sign that they're getting it spot on. Wrasslin is just so good right now, it makes me want tae write poems and sing aboot it, but see this right here? these are my poems mate. This is my art. I hope the pictures I see in my heid come across like I want them tae wae these paragraphs, sentences, words n full stops. I hope ye can see what I see.
Overall I gie this RAW 8.5 tilt o whirl backbreakers outta 10. Nae Cesaro or Dolph wrasslin, the Swagger match and that Los Matadores shite wis yer negatives. Everything else wis at its optimum brawness. A wee belter of a RAW I thought.
Remember, if its up yer pals loft, waitin ootside Spar fur it opening, or playing Tekken 2 wae yer best pal. Stay safe, don't try this.
Monday, August 26, 2013
ICW Dave's Not Here Man Review
I'll paint ye a wee picture. Its hauf 5 on Sunday morning, I've been home fae Billy Kirkwoods show in Edinburgh for 4 hours, and I'm sittin on my wee computer chair, spinnin it roon in circles like a fuckin patient, buzzin oot my chebs. 2 beers in me anaw, Nuthin else. High aff life ma man.
It was finally here.
Like a wean on Christmas morning, I couldnae contain my excitement. I sprinted doon the......hall (see that should say stairs, but I live doonstairs in a 4 in a block, so technically I don't huv any stairs, but thats my cross tae bear mate) fulla beans, couldnae wait tae see what Father Dallas had brought me this year. I eagerly tore at the wrapping paper on present number one and it wis the thing I'd been waiting for all my life. The perfect gift. Wis it maybe a bit early for it? should I have maybe opened a coupla less significant gifts first? only time wid tell, but in this present moment ye could dae gymnastics aff my stauner for....
The match was entertaining stuff. Most of the first 10 minutes was comedy stuff and I'm no even a bit mad at that, cause when ye get two of the funniest men on earth together, ye cannae expect any other outcome. It wid be like bringing Brock Lesnar n Mark Henry together, and no expecting them tae rip phonebooks n eat them. A lost cause.
When a wrasslin match eventually broke out, it was cracking stuff. Lovely pace tae it. Grado gets aw his usual work in. Belter of a Rock Bottom after Colt blocked the first attempt, and a picture perfect roll n slice. Colt gets Grado up for the GTS, but couldnae connect. Other stuff happened so it did. Wrasslin stuff. This is the trouble wae reviewing fae memory, cause yer basically reviewing the scattered bits of brain matter that huvnae been wrecked by substance abuse and chronic chuggin, so sometimes hings get hazy. I do recall Grado trying to knock Colt down with shoulder blocks for ages, before finally getting him on the 68th attempt, and also a hilarious spot where Grado made Colt drink Irn Bru, much to Mr Goldmans obvious disgust, before Grado hits a fuckin Stone Cold Stunner for the win.
He barely has time tae enjoy the pop, before Chris Renfrew and BT Gunn arrive tae spoil the party. Clearly irked at Grado knockin his finisher, and probably a bit annoyed at no being booked (kayfabe...shhhh) Renfrew is a man in a mood. BT is his hired rottweiler ready tae bite on command. They gie Grado a wee dunt, wae their fist shaped hauns, before Colt comes rushing it tae gie him hauners. They clear the NAK oot the ring, before being chucked 8 cans of Irn Bru each, and daein the Stone Colt Steve Austin hing wae the beer cans, cept wae cans of Bru. It was just fuckin perfect. If this match wis a couch, I'd have shagged it rotten in my sleep. Nae doubt about it.
Know whit? I expected tae huv a wee go at this, after getting my horny wee arsehole routine out the road about how much of a stauner it gied me. I'm a red blooded, card carrying hetero mate. Despite my enjoyment for Dolph Zigglers erse, I'm lassie daft. Yer aw fuckin gid smellin, lovely creatures and I sometimes wonder whit the fuck yer daein lettin us smelly dick wielding rotters anywhere near ye. How d'yees no just shag each other forever and leave us tae stew in wur ain filth? The only reason we even shower is so theres a remote chance of wur hole. Anyway, the match was fuckin good. The first Bra n Panties match I've ever seen which actually made some time for wrasslin. Storm is a wee bit of a cheater throughout this match but, cause her top has a kinda Russian Nesting Dolls thing on the go, anytime Leah ripped it aff, another smaller top wis on underneath. Leah wisnae uptae any such tricks, so after a decent wee bout, Storm strips her doon tae her skants n bra, n thats that. Leah reveals there tae be an even smaller set of skants underneath the ones she wis stripped tae, which wis when the horny wee arsehole bit came along, cause thongs are gid mate. I enjoyed the thong, and aye. As Storm is celebrating her win, Leah waits for her turnin roon and leathers her wae...eh...I cannae mind. Before jumping intae the crowd n nae doubt gettin that erse felt by a bunch of sweaty so n so's. Whit yees like eh! Fun match though.
Loved fuckin everything about this. Firstly, the crowd being split. Which is a direct result of yer man Jimmy Scott being over as fuck these days. Secondly, the fact that the match gained new significance when it was announced that the winner would face Rhyno at Fear and Loathing, and last but not least, it was arguably the match of the night. I've said for a while Jimmy Havoc is hugely underrated as a worker. The boy can fuckin go. And that wis on display here somethin fierce. Also apparently Scott worked this match wae a broken foot, which makes his work borderline remarkable man. Aw sorts of suplexes and throws in there. Including a full nelson throw, and a firemans carry intae some kinda sexy karate kick (I'm aware there will be a proper name for this move, but I don't know it so there ye go) Havoc counters by hitting a stoater of a hurricanrana, before hitting Scott with a back body drop intae a pin. Ach it was just a fest for the eyes in terms of aw the innovative throws, and some brutal kicking from both men and the finish matched the innovation that the match had carried throughout, when Havoc locks in hells gate. Scott struggles, but eventually somehow manages to dead-lift Havoc (tae be fair, Jimmy is probably 12 stone wae gravel in his pockets, but still impressive for a man with a sare foot) and slam him down for the pin. But just as the ref counted to 3, Scott is still in the hells gate submission and taps out. This leads yer man Dallas to emerge and tell us that cause of the ambiguity to the finish we'll have a triple threat match between James Scott, Jimmy Havoc and the bold Rhyno, and cause he's a cheeky wee rascal, after he and Havoc shake hands, Scott hits him wae Rhynos signature move. GORE GORE GORE.
I'll no erse aboot. The wee "card subject to change" bit above is jiggery pokery. It did change. After The other 3 teams come oot, and the wee man drops some patter, James R Kennedy arrives to announce Team CKs arrival, only for BT and Renfrew to pan their melts in. I dunno if that's an ICW rule, that if ye knock the living shite outta any potential challengers, you automatically take their place In the match, but that's how it went down. I wisnae sure about this match beforehand, purely because these Fatal 4 Way Tag Matches tend to be exciting enough, but no really easy to get invested in, but I wis happily proved wrong because this was a beezer. Firstly it was an elimination match, so that gave it a wee bit of extra excitement and secondly, aside from the first 3 or 4 minutes, it descended intae pure and utter carnage. Organised carnage though, the typa carnage you and a bunch of other wanks talk about over Facebook, before ye go up the main street and set Argos on fire. Fight Club are the first to go out, and I assume this will lead tae them finally splitting up after months of tension, but nae sign of it yet. The match rolls on, and next to go out are The Coffeys. At the hands of Renfrew and BT I'm sure. They don't take too kindly to this though, and they take both the NAK members out, before oddly urging the Buckys to pin them. Then they kinda slap the new member of the Save Pro Wrestling movement about and say it was his fault, cause apparently he didnae comb Joes beard correctly before the match or something. They hit the new member/whipping boy with a smashing wee double team move, as Mark launches him up in the air for Joe to catch him with an uppercut on the way down. Sare yin. Not as sare as the Coffeys were with being papped out though (god thats awful patter..should be pit doon for that)
That's us down to two then, but no for long as that wee arsepiece Dickie Divers comes oot. Cheatin swines so they urr, but as I said earlier, the match had descended intae lawlessness long before. The numbers game proves too much for the Buckys and they drop the belts, thanks tae a double foot stomp off the top by BT on Davie, with Renfrew getting the pin. Gutted the Buckys dropped them, but BT and Renfrew having the tag belts makes sense if the NAK are tae be a dominant heel stable, so aye. I wis fine wae it. Hopefully it'll be a triple threat situation wae the NAK, Buckys and Summerian Death Squad at Fear and Loathing. Wae tables, ladders, chairs, cages, dumpsters and aw sorts of shenanigans.
After the match Fight Club appear tae be in the ring tae help Davie n Stevie up, baith wae huge welps on the their chest fae gettin chopped intae next month during the match, but instead they only go and turn on the boys, and instead of the Fight Club split we were all expecting we got a fuckin Fight Club heel turn. Swervetastic.
I wisnae gonnae put this in the review, but I will on the off chance that the person in question reads it. On the road back fae the bar at the interval, I got a wee bit lost. As in, I didnae find my way back to the wee set of stairs leading to the ring. I wis off course by about 5 or 6 feet. So when i tried to nudge my way along towards the steps, this was deeply offensive to some folk, and I got shoved a bit. I couldnae care less about getting shoved, but then as soon as I'm managed to get through, a guy genuinely thought it was cool to forearm smash me in the back. Gied me a proper dunt. To the point that I nearly dropped my drinks. I turned round and asked him quite genuinely if he "thought that wis clever" and I'll no lie, I basically offered him a square go. It was a bluff like, cause a square go widda got me papped oot, and I wis there for the wrasslin mate, but he met my eyeline once, shat it, then looked away. No bothering my arse now right enough, but I couldnae fathom the attitude. Going to ICW makes me fuckin happy so it does. If you're no in the same boat, whit the fuck ye daein there? being aw agressive and forearm smashin cunts. Behave yersell. So mate, incase yer reading this, i just want tae tell ye that fae deep in the bottom of my heart, I think yer a fuckin wank. Huv a nice life but.
This was shorter than it might have been, probably due to some issues during the interval, but it wis predictably stoatin. You'll struggle tae find someone in the UK better than Solar in terms of high flying wrasslin, and Wild is underrated as a wrassler. Technically one of the best in the UK. I widda had this match on first, but I'm just a cunt writing some words mate. Whit the fuck dae I know? Its a shame cause the crowd wis just a bit knackered at this point, and probably didnae get as invested in it as they would have. Solar hits a springboard RKO looking move and seemingly gets the pin, but the match is re-started cause Wilds a magician, and he threw his voice under the ropes. As soon as it re-starts Wild hits a peach of a Tiger Bomb, and makes Solar tap with the Boston Crab. Cracking wee match. Its a shame Noam Dar couldnae recover from injury in time, but Solar was a more than adequate replacement. Gid job wee man, away n get yersell a celebratory spray tan pal, yer chalk white.
This was fuckin unreal. Just a fantastic wrasslin match. Two talented lassies telling a smashin story. There wis cunts behind us moaning throughout, cause sexism is still alive ma man. If it wis fuckin Jester v Whippy workin the same match, they widda spunked thersells tae Jupiter, but because it wis two gid lookin burds, they couldnae fathom it. Some of the chants were fuckin rotten anaw. Kick her in the fanny? really mate? That's yer patter?
Anyway the match itself wis just perfect imo. As they battle on the outside, Carmel sets Kaylee up legs first on the bar, and plants her wae a DDT similar tae the one yer man Randy Orton does on the middle rope. They then make their way back intae the ring, and she only goes n does it again! Hitting her with the actual DDT Orton uses, cept better, cause Ortons face gies me anger lines on my foreheid. The match swings back n forth mare frequently than a Rangers fans opinion on Charles Green, and during the swinging Kaylee hits a belter of a German Suplex throw. I huv this on a note in my phone under "sexy Germans" so I huv tae assume it wis a suplex reference, and no somethin to do wae some pumpable tourists. Anyway, the match makes its way on the the stage only fuckin the bold Viper from FF tae come out of nowhere and set about Kaylee. It looks like shes formed an alliance wae Carmel, but she flattens her anaw, before the bold Kaylee squares up tae her. She departs and Kaylee launches a barrage of offense tae lay Carmel out for the 10 count, including a firemans carry slam typa thing and a swanton off the announce desk . Absolute cracker of a match. Cannae mind the last time I seen a womens match that wis even close to being as good. Kaylee gets on the mic afterwards, and in the broadest accent ye'll ever hear, announces that it'll be her vs Viper vs AWESOME KONG for the belt at ICW:FF next month. The combination of the excitement of the announcement, and the braw way which it wis delivered gied me much delight. Well done Kaylee hen. And huge congratulations tae Carmel anaw for her part, nice tae see them huv a wee hug after it anaw. BFFs 4 lyf.
For me this just edged Scott n Havoc for match of the night. Two of the most accomplished workers in ICW, and two of my favourites. I'm a Wolfy guy but, so it wid be a toe in the stanes if he didnae finally take home the belt. This whole saga has been a right tease so it has. First we thought he was gonnae take it aff Red in the Fatal 4 way at Fear n Loathing, but nope. Then we thought he wis winning the Square Go for sure, but yer man Whippy done the business there instead, and now we finally see him get another shot at the big prize, after taking the Zero G belt earlier in the year at Tramspotting and working cracking match after cracking match since winning it. Its all going swimmingly tae, after the pair of them clatter intae each other with a double shoulder block, before Wolfy gets to dominating. The tide really turns in his favour, when Whippy goes for a suicide dive, only to be caught and planted windpipe first on the barrier (I didnae really see this right, so it might no have been windpipe first, mibbe even didnae plant him on the barrier ataw, maybe he took him roon tae Nandos for some Lemon chicken, I cannae really tell ye for sure sir) anyway Wolfy looks like he's closing in on the win after hitting a powerbomb followed by a stoater of a clothesline. Proper knock ye clean oot yer boots typa number, but Whippys no done yet and managed to squeeze in that stauner inducing triple suicide dive bit he done on Grado at the last show. Properly impressive spot that is, one of my favourites in wrasslin right now full stop, never mind just ICW. The level of accuracy required to hit the move 3 times so quickly must be unreal, so fair play to the big bastard. Back in the ring the match goes back in Wolfys favour, and the "having a party when Wolfy wins" team are gettin ready tae get the bunting up. He hits the Gutcheck, then goes up top and nails the Swanton, and thats us. new champion. Surely. Not quite, as that pollution Jam O'Malley comes oot and pulls the refs leg before he can count tae three. Wolfy offers him a an engagement in fisticuffs (that sounds dodgy as fuck, but ye know whit I mean. Hand to hand combat......a fight) and off the distraction, Whippy gets Wolfy up on to the top rope, and nails him with a belter of a Finlay Roll tae retain the big belt, and add a shiny new one to his collection. As much as I was pulling for Wolfy, I've nae trouble with Whiplash continuing as champ. He's another who's never worked anything approaching a bad match in the year I've been attending these shows, and his mic skills are good. The crowd was fuckin red hot for this anaw, and it was in a good way. pretty much split down the middle in terms of who they were pulling for, mibbe very slightly in favour of Wolfy, and despite his apparent heel turn and re-alliance with Jam, Whippy gets a rapturous round of applause on his road oot. A match well worth the billing.
Next up we finally got the debut of David The Beloved. Dave wis here man, and he was a pain in the arse. Interrupts Dallas announcing that he's sober at an ICW show for the first time, and apparently he'd knocked one of Jimmy Whites auld waistcoats fae the snooker. He emerges wae the bold Chris Toal, Jamie Feerick and JD Bravo, and when I seen this I could only assume that it wis gonnae be the second coming od Demolition. But naw. Dallas just announces that he wis talking shite at the last show. Never had his pills ye see. So he'll no be turning heel after all. He's midway through a rant about ICW never conforming tae whit society wants it tae be, before this David The Beloved cunt comes oot. Accompanied by Sara, who he has pretty much brainwashed wae somethin Holy. Probably his cock. He and Dallas exchange pleasantries, before David attempts tae lure JD Bravo intae the light. He then enquires who Mr Toal is, and yer man hilariously informs him that he's Mark Dallas conscious. Mare rantin away fae David The Beloved, before Lionheart does another kiddin on he's a fan in his wee zipper routine, before rushing the ring and laying the holy one spark out wae a Rock Bottom. Better luck next time eh Davey ma man. Ye'll be needed tae enlist some decent hauners, or you gettin yer shit ruined is gonnae become routine.
Aye. Sabu's still got it. If ye had any doubts (I did, and I'm ashamed of them noo) ye shouldnae have. It wisnae the most encouraging of starts to the match either, as there's a wee bit of aimless stuff involving the pink chair that was used in the Kaylee v Carmel match, and also three big 6 foot bruisers went right in-front of my eyeline as soon as it started, so I had tae relocate tae somewhere where I could actually see a fuckin thing. A table is brought out fairly quickly, and I think Sabu goes through it accidentally (unless I missed the cause of it, which is extremely likely) before they make their way intae the crowd, with Jester planting an elbow on Sabu off the bar. Back in the ring, Sabu reels out all his classic spots with the steel chair, like he wis recording an instructional video on various ways tae knock the shite ootae a pirate wae a pink chair. He then sets up another table in the corner, but once again its Sabu that goes through it. They the take shots each of embedding a corkscrew in each others skulls, cause a Jester hardcore match just widnae be worth watchin without some sare looking corkscrew action. Blood, sweat and tears ensue, before Jester seals a famous win by driving Sabu through a table wae the tombstone. A truly iconic match that lived up tae its billing. One that'll go down in ICW folklore, or I dunno. Something else poignant. I'm really tired, so my sincerest apologies if I didnae sum up that adequately for ye. I thought it wis gid so i did. Will that dae ye?
The night ends with Whippy re-emerging and cutting an unreasonably angry promo on Jester. Shoutin at us aw. Whits up wae ye mate, ye just retained yer belt and won another yin. Cheer up sunshine. The whole point in the promo is tae announce that they will once again do battle. This time for the ICW Title, and that Whippy is a heel again. For sure. Calls the whole crowd a bunch of arseholes, and even calls the lassies filthy whores I'm sure. Or words to that effect.
Overall, despite a small sprinkling of crowd unpleasantness, it was a fuckin crackin night. Every single person involved should be immensely proud of their efforts. As a wrasslin show I gie it a solid 9 Jacknifes outta 10, but as triumph for ICW as a company, and a triumph for invading the nations capital and painting it Black, White and Red, its a perfect 10 chief.
Smashin.
It was finally here.
Like a wean on Christmas morning, I couldnae contain my excitement. I sprinted doon the......hall (see that should say stairs, but I live doonstairs in a 4 in a block, so technically I don't huv any stairs, but thats my cross tae bear mate) fulla beans, couldnae wait tae see what Father Dallas had brought me this year. I eagerly tore at the wrapping paper on present number one and it wis the thing I'd been waiting for all my life. The perfect gift. Wis it maybe a bit early for it? should I have maybe opened a coupla less significant gifts first? only time wid tell, but in this present moment ye could dae gymnastics aff my stauner for....
Grado vs Colt Cabana
Good fuckin lord in christ, and heaven wae the bible n the prayin an aw that shit. Aw man. Of aw the matches I envisaged being first, I couldnae picture it being this. I planned on taking notes throughout this event on my phone, just tae make sure I didnae miss anything good, but since yer my pal, I'll tell ye nae lies. I wis too busy screamin my fuckin lungs oot tae take anything resembling a note on this beautiful shit. Firstly yer man Billy Kirkwood introduces us to what lies ahead along with his commentary partner Dr Zhivago (awrite ya melt..its actually Sean David...can I no have any fun? fuck sake)then without further ado.. BOOM BOOM! Colt Cabana...oot he comes, lookin every bit of the lean mean 18 stone he weighed in at. A fuckin wonderful pop for one of the most entertaining men in professional anything. Compared to the Grado pop though? it wis nothing. Deathly quiet. Like a North Korean library, ye daren't pass messages tae yer pals wae yer eyelid movements in case the man caught ye. A nanny state. Grados pop made the pop Daniel Bryan got at Summserslam sound like Hampden when the away team sing their national anthem. He blew the fuckin roof clean aff the Edinburgh Picture House. 1,000 people in Unison. diehards, new cunts and mibbe even the odd dug. Chantin their lungs oot. LIFE IS A MYSTERYYYYYY.The match was entertaining stuff. Most of the first 10 minutes was comedy stuff and I'm no even a bit mad at that, cause when ye get two of the funniest men on earth together, ye cannae expect any other outcome. It wid be like bringing Brock Lesnar n Mark Henry together, and no expecting them tae rip phonebooks n eat them. A lost cause.
When a wrasslin match eventually broke out, it was cracking stuff. Lovely pace tae it. Grado gets aw his usual work in. Belter of a Rock Bottom after Colt blocked the first attempt, and a picture perfect roll n slice. Colt gets Grado up for the GTS, but couldnae connect. Other stuff happened so it did. Wrasslin stuff. This is the trouble wae reviewing fae memory, cause yer basically reviewing the scattered bits of brain matter that huvnae been wrecked by substance abuse and chronic chuggin, so sometimes hings get hazy. I do recall Grado trying to knock Colt down with shoulder blocks for ages, before finally getting him on the 68th attempt, and also a hilarious spot where Grado made Colt drink Irn Bru, much to Mr Goldmans obvious disgust, before Grado hits a fuckin Stone Cold Stunner for the win.
He barely has time tae enjoy the pop, before Chris Renfrew and BT Gunn arrive tae spoil the party. Clearly irked at Grado knockin his finisher, and probably a bit annoyed at no being booked (kayfabe...shhhh) Renfrew is a man in a mood. BT is his hired rottweiler ready tae bite on command. They gie Grado a wee dunt, wae their fist shaped hauns, before Colt comes rushing it tae gie him hauners. They clear the NAK oot the ring, before being chucked 8 cans of Irn Bru each, and daein the Stone Colt Steve Austin hing wae the beer cans, cept wae cans of Bru. It was just fuckin perfect. If this match wis a couch, I'd have shagged it rotten in my sleep. Nae doubt about it.
Leah Owens vs Nikki Storm(Bra and Panties Match)
Know whit? I expected tae huv a wee go at this, after getting my horny wee arsehole routine out the road about how much of a stauner it gied me. I'm a red blooded, card carrying hetero mate. Despite my enjoyment for Dolph Zigglers erse, I'm lassie daft. Yer aw fuckin gid smellin, lovely creatures and I sometimes wonder whit the fuck yer daein lettin us smelly dick wielding rotters anywhere near ye. How d'yees no just shag each other forever and leave us tae stew in wur ain filth? The only reason we even shower is so theres a remote chance of wur hole. Anyway, the match was fuckin good. The first Bra n Panties match I've ever seen which actually made some time for wrasslin. Storm is a wee bit of a cheater throughout this match but, cause her top has a kinda Russian Nesting Dolls thing on the go, anytime Leah ripped it aff, another smaller top wis on underneath. Leah wisnae uptae any such tricks, so after a decent wee bout, Storm strips her doon tae her skants n bra, n thats that. Leah reveals there tae be an even smaller set of skants underneath the ones she wis stripped tae, which wis when the horny wee arsehole bit came along, cause thongs are gid mate. I enjoyed the thong, and aye. As Storm is celebrating her win, Leah waits for her turnin roon and leathers her wae...eh...I cannae mind. Before jumping intae the crowd n nae doubt gettin that erse felt by a bunch of sweaty so n so's. Whit yees like eh! Fun match though.
James Scott vs Jimmy Havoc
Loved fuckin everything about this. Firstly, the crowd being split. Which is a direct result of yer man Jimmy Scott being over as fuck these days. Secondly, the fact that the match gained new significance when it was announced that the winner would face Rhyno at Fear and Loathing, and last but not least, it was arguably the match of the night. I've said for a while Jimmy Havoc is hugely underrated as a worker. The boy can fuckin go. And that wis on display here somethin fierce. Also apparently Scott worked this match wae a broken foot, which makes his work borderline remarkable man. Aw sorts of suplexes and throws in there. Including a full nelson throw, and a firemans carry intae some kinda sexy karate kick (I'm aware there will be a proper name for this move, but I don't know it so there ye go) Havoc counters by hitting a stoater of a hurricanrana, before hitting Scott with a back body drop intae a pin. Ach it was just a fest for the eyes in terms of aw the innovative throws, and some brutal kicking from both men and the finish matched the innovation that the match had carried throughout, when Havoc locks in hells gate. Scott struggles, but eventually somehow manages to dead-lift Havoc (tae be fair, Jimmy is probably 12 stone wae gravel in his pockets, but still impressive for a man with a sare foot) and slam him down for the pin. But just as the ref counted to 3, Scott is still in the hells gate submission and taps out. This leads yer man Dallas to emerge and tell us that cause of the ambiguity to the finish we'll have a triple threat match between James Scott, Jimmy Havoc and the bold Rhyno, and cause he's a cheeky wee rascal, after he and Havoc shake hands, Scott hits him wae Rhynos signature move. GORE GORE GORE.
The Bucky Boys vs Team CK vs Fight Club vs The Coffeys (ICW Tag Titles Match)
Card Subject To ChangeI'll no erse aboot. The wee "card subject to change" bit above is jiggery pokery. It did change. After The other 3 teams come oot, and the wee man drops some patter, James R Kennedy arrives to announce Team CKs arrival, only for BT and Renfrew to pan their melts in. I dunno if that's an ICW rule, that if ye knock the living shite outta any potential challengers, you automatically take their place In the match, but that's how it went down. I wisnae sure about this match beforehand, purely because these Fatal 4 Way Tag Matches tend to be exciting enough, but no really easy to get invested in, but I wis happily proved wrong because this was a beezer. Firstly it was an elimination match, so that gave it a wee bit of extra excitement and secondly, aside from the first 3 or 4 minutes, it descended intae pure and utter carnage. Organised carnage though, the typa carnage you and a bunch of other wanks talk about over Facebook, before ye go up the main street and set Argos on fire. Fight Club are the first to go out, and I assume this will lead tae them finally splitting up after months of tension, but nae sign of it yet. The match rolls on, and next to go out are The Coffeys. At the hands of Renfrew and BT I'm sure. They don't take too kindly to this though, and they take both the NAK members out, before oddly urging the Buckys to pin them. Then they kinda slap the new member of the Save Pro Wrestling movement about and say it was his fault, cause apparently he didnae comb Joes beard correctly before the match or something. They hit the new member/whipping boy with a smashing wee double team move, as Mark launches him up in the air for Joe to catch him with an uppercut on the way down. Sare yin. Not as sare as the Coffeys were with being papped out though (god thats awful patter..should be pit doon for that)
That's us down to two then, but no for long as that wee arsepiece Dickie Divers comes oot. Cheatin swines so they urr, but as I said earlier, the match had descended intae lawlessness long before. The numbers game proves too much for the Buckys and they drop the belts, thanks tae a double foot stomp off the top by BT on Davie, with Renfrew getting the pin. Gutted the Buckys dropped them, but BT and Renfrew having the tag belts makes sense if the NAK are tae be a dominant heel stable, so aye. I wis fine wae it. Hopefully it'll be a triple threat situation wae the NAK, Buckys and Summerian Death Squad at Fear and Loathing. Wae tables, ladders, chairs, cages, dumpsters and aw sorts of shenanigans.
After the match Fight Club appear tae be in the ring tae help Davie n Stevie up, baith wae huge welps on the their chest fae gettin chopped intae next month during the match, but instead they only go and turn on the boys, and instead of the Fight Club split we were all expecting we got a fuckin Fight Club heel turn. Swervetastic.
I wisnae gonnae put this in the review, but I will on the off chance that the person in question reads it. On the road back fae the bar at the interval, I got a wee bit lost. As in, I didnae find my way back to the wee set of stairs leading to the ring. I wis off course by about 5 or 6 feet. So when i tried to nudge my way along towards the steps, this was deeply offensive to some folk, and I got shoved a bit. I couldnae care less about getting shoved, but then as soon as I'm managed to get through, a guy genuinely thought it was cool to forearm smash me in the back. Gied me a proper dunt. To the point that I nearly dropped my drinks. I turned round and asked him quite genuinely if he "thought that wis clever" and I'll no lie, I basically offered him a square go. It was a bluff like, cause a square go widda got me papped oot, and I wis there for the wrasslin mate, but he met my eyeline once, shat it, then looked away. No bothering my arse now right enough, but I couldnae fathom the attitude. Going to ICW makes me fuckin happy so it does. If you're no in the same boat, whit the fuck ye daein there? being aw agressive and forearm smashin cunts. Behave yersell. So mate, incase yer reading this, i just want tae tell ye that fae deep in the bottom of my heart, I think yer a fuckin wank. Huv a nice life but.
Solar vs Andy Wild
This was shorter than it might have been, probably due to some issues during the interval, but it wis predictably stoatin. You'll struggle tae find someone in the UK better than Solar in terms of high flying wrasslin, and Wild is underrated as a wrassler. Technically one of the best in the UK. I widda had this match on first, but I'm just a cunt writing some words mate. Whit the fuck dae I know? Its a shame cause the crowd wis just a bit knackered at this point, and probably didnae get as invested in it as they would have. Solar hits a springboard RKO looking move and seemingly gets the pin, but the match is re-started cause Wilds a magician, and he threw his voice under the ropes. As soon as it re-starts Wild hits a peach of a Tiger Bomb, and makes Solar tap with the Boston Crab. Cracking wee match. Its a shame Noam Dar couldnae recover from injury in time, but Solar was a more than adequate replacement. Gid job wee man, away n get yersell a celebratory spray tan pal, yer chalk white.
Kaylee Ray vs Carmel (Last Woman Standing Match for the ICW FF Title)
This was fuckin unreal. Just a fantastic wrasslin match. Two talented lassies telling a smashin story. There wis cunts behind us moaning throughout, cause sexism is still alive ma man. If it wis fuckin Jester v Whippy workin the same match, they widda spunked thersells tae Jupiter, but because it wis two gid lookin burds, they couldnae fathom it. Some of the chants were fuckin rotten anaw. Kick her in the fanny? really mate? That's yer patter?
Anyway the match itself wis just perfect imo. As they battle on the outside, Carmel sets Kaylee up legs first on the bar, and plants her wae a DDT similar tae the one yer man Randy Orton does on the middle rope. They then make their way back intae the ring, and she only goes n does it again! Hitting her with the actual DDT Orton uses, cept better, cause Ortons face gies me anger lines on my foreheid. The match swings back n forth mare frequently than a Rangers fans opinion on Charles Green, and during the swinging Kaylee hits a belter of a German Suplex throw. I huv this on a note in my phone under "sexy Germans" so I huv tae assume it wis a suplex reference, and no somethin to do wae some pumpable tourists. Anyway, the match makes its way on the the stage only fuckin the bold Viper from FF tae come out of nowhere and set about Kaylee. It looks like shes formed an alliance wae Carmel, but she flattens her anaw, before the bold Kaylee squares up tae her. She departs and Kaylee launches a barrage of offense tae lay Carmel out for the 10 count, including a firemans carry slam typa thing and a swanton off the announce desk . Absolute cracker of a match. Cannae mind the last time I seen a womens match that wis even close to being as good. Kaylee gets on the mic afterwards, and in the broadest accent ye'll ever hear, announces that it'll be her vs Viper vs AWESOME KONG for the belt at ICW:FF next month. The combination of the excitement of the announcement, and the braw way which it wis delivered gied me much delight. Well done Kaylee hen. And huge congratulations tae Carmel anaw for her part, nice tae see them huv a wee hug after it anaw. BFFs 4 lyf.
Wolfgang vs Mikey Whiplash (Match for both the ICW Ttle, and Zero G Title)
For me this just edged Scott n Havoc for match of the night. Two of the most accomplished workers in ICW, and two of my favourites. I'm a Wolfy guy but, so it wid be a toe in the stanes if he didnae finally take home the belt. This whole saga has been a right tease so it has. First we thought he was gonnae take it aff Red in the Fatal 4 way at Fear n Loathing, but nope. Then we thought he wis winning the Square Go for sure, but yer man Whippy done the business there instead, and now we finally see him get another shot at the big prize, after taking the Zero G belt earlier in the year at Tramspotting and working cracking match after cracking match since winning it. Its all going swimmingly tae, after the pair of them clatter intae each other with a double shoulder block, before Wolfy gets to dominating. The tide really turns in his favour, when Whippy goes for a suicide dive, only to be caught and planted windpipe first on the barrier (I didnae really see this right, so it might no have been windpipe first, mibbe even didnae plant him on the barrier ataw, maybe he took him roon tae Nandos for some Lemon chicken, I cannae really tell ye for sure sir) anyway Wolfy looks like he's closing in on the win after hitting a powerbomb followed by a stoater of a clothesline. Proper knock ye clean oot yer boots typa number, but Whippys no done yet and managed to squeeze in that stauner inducing triple suicide dive bit he done on Grado at the last show. Properly impressive spot that is, one of my favourites in wrasslin right now full stop, never mind just ICW. The level of accuracy required to hit the move 3 times so quickly must be unreal, so fair play to the big bastard. Back in the ring the match goes back in Wolfys favour, and the "having a party when Wolfy wins" team are gettin ready tae get the bunting up. He hits the Gutcheck, then goes up top and nails the Swanton, and thats us. new champion. Surely. Not quite, as that pollution Jam O'Malley comes oot and pulls the refs leg before he can count tae three. Wolfy offers him a an engagement in fisticuffs (that sounds dodgy as fuck, but ye know whit I mean. Hand to hand combat......a fight) and off the distraction, Whippy gets Wolfy up on to the top rope, and nails him with a belter of a Finlay Roll tae retain the big belt, and add a shiny new one to his collection. As much as I was pulling for Wolfy, I've nae trouble with Whiplash continuing as champ. He's another who's never worked anything approaching a bad match in the year I've been attending these shows, and his mic skills are good. The crowd was fuckin red hot for this anaw, and it was in a good way. pretty much split down the middle in terms of who they were pulling for, mibbe very slightly in favour of Wolfy, and despite his apparent heel turn and re-alliance with Jam, Whippy gets a rapturous round of applause on his road oot. A match well worth the billing.
Next up we finally got the debut of David The Beloved. Dave wis here man, and he was a pain in the arse. Interrupts Dallas announcing that he's sober at an ICW show for the first time, and apparently he'd knocked one of Jimmy Whites auld waistcoats fae the snooker. He emerges wae the bold Chris Toal, Jamie Feerick and JD Bravo, and when I seen this I could only assume that it wis gonnae be the second coming od Demolition. But naw. Dallas just announces that he wis talking shite at the last show. Never had his pills ye see. So he'll no be turning heel after all. He's midway through a rant about ICW never conforming tae whit society wants it tae be, before this David The Beloved cunt comes oot. Accompanied by Sara, who he has pretty much brainwashed wae somethin Holy. Probably his cock. He and Dallas exchange pleasantries, before David attempts tae lure JD Bravo intae the light. He then enquires who Mr Toal is, and yer man hilariously informs him that he's Mark Dallas conscious. Mare rantin away fae David The Beloved, before Lionheart does another kiddin on he's a fan in his wee zipper routine, before rushing the ring and laying the holy one spark out wae a Rock Bottom. Better luck next time eh Davey ma man. Ye'll be needed tae enlist some decent hauners, or you gettin yer shit ruined is gonnae become routine.
Sabu vs Jack Jester
Aye. Sabu's still got it. If ye had any doubts (I did, and I'm ashamed of them noo) ye shouldnae have. It wisnae the most encouraging of starts to the match either, as there's a wee bit of aimless stuff involving the pink chair that was used in the Kaylee v Carmel match, and also three big 6 foot bruisers went right in-front of my eyeline as soon as it started, so I had tae relocate tae somewhere where I could actually see a fuckin thing. A table is brought out fairly quickly, and I think Sabu goes through it accidentally (unless I missed the cause of it, which is extremely likely) before they make their way intae the crowd, with Jester planting an elbow on Sabu off the bar. Back in the ring, Sabu reels out all his classic spots with the steel chair, like he wis recording an instructional video on various ways tae knock the shite ootae a pirate wae a pink chair. He then sets up another table in the corner, but once again its Sabu that goes through it. They the take shots each of embedding a corkscrew in each others skulls, cause a Jester hardcore match just widnae be worth watchin without some sare looking corkscrew action. Blood, sweat and tears ensue, before Jester seals a famous win by driving Sabu through a table wae the tombstone. A truly iconic match that lived up tae its billing. One that'll go down in ICW folklore, or I dunno. Something else poignant. I'm really tired, so my sincerest apologies if I didnae sum up that adequately for ye. I thought it wis gid so i did. Will that dae ye?
The night ends with Whippy re-emerging and cutting an unreasonably angry promo on Jester. Shoutin at us aw. Whits up wae ye mate, ye just retained yer belt and won another yin. Cheer up sunshine. The whole point in the promo is tae announce that they will once again do battle. This time for the ICW Title, and that Whippy is a heel again. For sure. Calls the whole crowd a bunch of arseholes, and even calls the lassies filthy whores I'm sure. Or words to that effect.
Overall, despite a small sprinkling of crowd unpleasantness, it was a fuckin crackin night. Every single person involved should be immensely proud of their efforts. As a wrasslin show I gie it a solid 9 Jacknifes outta 10, but as triumph for ICW as a company, and a triumph for invading the nations capital and painting it Black, White and Red, its a perfect 10 chief.
Smashin.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
ICWs Edinburgh Invasion
It's finally here! 5 or 6 painstaking weeks since last months stoater of a show Terminator 2, it's finally fuckin here. ICWs second descent on to the nations capital. Only this time instead of working their magic in front of 300 folk in a nightclub, they're coming through to sell out The 1,000+ capacity Picture House (a month in advance no less) and they also happen to be coming through to burn the fuckin place to the ground (figuratively eh, don't worry Edinburgh, we'll no go aw London Riots on ye unless yees get wide )
For me personally its another chance to congregate with 600 of my brothers n sisters. And 400 new ones. Like any family, ye might no like them aw. Some of them might have honkin BO, some of them might drap eggy farts in yer airspace, some of them might start the maist cringy chants ye'll ever expose yer ears tae, some of them even might be fuckin stupid enough tae square go a wrestler. But I get tae say aw that cause I'm talkin aboot my family mate, my flesh n blood, and only god himself could save ye if you've got the baws tae try saying the same shit. Go fur it.
The wrasslin itself should be a joy to behold. I cannae poke holes in any of the card tbh. Fatal 4 way tag matches can occasionally be a bit messy, but apart fae that, the whole card is like me when I see any of Chynas pornos. Rock solid in the strangest, but maist beautiful way possible. Whippy vs Wolfy for the belts will be an epic. Wild vs Solar could potentially steal the show (I said the same when it was Noam vs Wild, and I've nae doubt of Solars ability to work as good a match) Jester vs Sabu will be carnage masquerading as a wrestling match. The two Jimmys (Scott and Havoc) will work their best match against each other to date. Kaylee Ray vs Carmel has the potential to be my favourite womens match of all time. Ye could use my stauner as a diving board for the bra n panties match. And what can ye say about Grado vs Cabana that's no already been said? I expect it tae be the most joyful wrestling match/half hour of entertainment ye'll ever see in yer puff. Nae danger. Having seen Grado amuse the masses for over a year now, and having finally had the pleasure of seeing Colt work his comedy magic live last night, I couldnae name ye two guys who entertain me more. 80-90s Billy Connolly is mibbe up there, and occasionally Danny Mcbride, but that's it mate.
This might seem a bit formal considering the madness which is about to ensue, but as we make our pilgrimage tae the capital, for purposes of (as Dallas eloquently put it during Billys show) "tearing Edinburgh a new arsehole" I've only got two words for ye.
Shall we?
For me personally its another chance to congregate with 600 of my brothers n sisters. And 400 new ones. Like any family, ye might no like them aw. Some of them might have honkin BO, some of them might drap eggy farts in yer airspace, some of them might start the maist cringy chants ye'll ever expose yer ears tae, some of them even might be fuckin stupid enough tae square go a wrestler. But I get tae say aw that cause I'm talkin aboot my family mate, my flesh n blood, and only god himself could save ye if you've got the baws tae try saying the same shit. Go fur it.
The wrasslin itself should be a joy to behold. I cannae poke holes in any of the card tbh. Fatal 4 way tag matches can occasionally be a bit messy, but apart fae that, the whole card is like me when I see any of Chynas pornos. Rock solid in the strangest, but maist beautiful way possible. Whippy vs Wolfy for the belts will be an epic. Wild vs Solar could potentially steal the show (I said the same when it was Noam vs Wild, and I've nae doubt of Solars ability to work as good a match) Jester vs Sabu will be carnage masquerading as a wrestling match. The two Jimmys (Scott and Havoc) will work their best match against each other to date. Kaylee Ray vs Carmel has the potential to be my favourite womens match of all time. Ye could use my stauner as a diving board for the bra n panties match. And what can ye say about Grado vs Cabana that's no already been said? I expect it tae be the most joyful wrestling match/half hour of entertainment ye'll ever see in yer puff. Nae danger. Having seen Grado amuse the masses for over a year now, and having finally had the pleasure of seeing Colt work his comedy magic live last night, I couldnae name ye two guys who entertain me more. 80-90s Billy Connolly is mibbe up there, and occasionally Danny Mcbride, but that's it mate.
This might seem a bit formal considering the madness which is about to ensue, but as we make our pilgrimage tae the capital, for purposes of (as Dallas eloquently put it during Billys show) "tearing Edinburgh a new arsehole" I've only got two words for ye.
Shall we?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
WWE Smackdown Review 23/08/2013
Ye know me by now eh, I'm aw aboot the honesty, so I'll level wae yees here. I didnae see the first half hour of this weeks Smackdown. SKY are wanks when it comes to scheduling it. Last week it wis on at hauf 11, and this week it wis inexplicably on at 9. I've barely drapped my first E by 9 ffs, how am I supposed tae focus on anythin?
(Disclaimer...The above wis just a wee funny....I don't do drugs...much)
I've got the jist of how the first half hour went down though, so I'll fraudulently review it anyway cause that's how much I care about giein ye the whole story. The whole kit n caboodle. The hale whack.
Vickie Guerrero comes oot, reveals to the world that "I BEEELEEEVE IN GRAAAAAAAAAADO" then does a Sin Cara dive out the ring and breaks her ankle. Oot comes Randy Orton after that to deliver a really riveting promo abou...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Our slumber is ended by Daniel Bryan emerging to get Randy tellt. He thanks Cena for the match first, which apparently got booed. That horrendous patter needs addressed imo, so I'm gonnae put a wee note tae fans at WWE live shows, in italics n everything..here it comes...
Dear fans at WWE Live Shows
I know its hard tae fight aw yer natural urges, but please, for even just one show, try n no be a team of utter dicks.
John Cena is a limited in ring performer, and occasionally cuts dire promos on his own, but given the right opponent (for matches and promos) he is easily one of the top 5 performers in the company, and has continually worked through personal troubles and injuries for YOU. Tae gie YOU somethin tae enjoy, or somethin tae boo if thats yer thing. John Cena is a multi millionaire, he disnae fuckin NEED tae dae anythin with torn triceps, but he worked that match wae Daniel Bryan because he believed that him putting Bryan over clean as a whistle was vital for Bryan. He sacrificed his own well being to put your hero (and mine) over, and they worked a fantastic match in the process, so whit fuckin more dae you nae good, sweaty ersed, smark wanks want fae John Cena exactly? blood? a kidney? d'ye want a gid feel of his pecs? Whitever yer thing is, he'd prolly oblige cause thats how much he actually gies a fuck about the fans. Randy Orton however, wid quite gladly stub a cigar oot in yer eye if he felt there was some justification for it. He's yer current champion. He's the real bad guy. If yer gonnae boo someone, boo him (which they did to be fair..but still fuck them)
So cut it oot eh. The next time ye see Cena I want the pop tae be heard fae Boston tae Beirut.
Yours in distress
Martin Smith (Wrasslin Reviewer/Joke Teller/Former SPL sticker book completer)
Anyway aye, Bryan informs Randy that the only reason he's got the belt is cause triple H wants to shag him, and he lets him know that he wan ts it back. He's taking it back. Nae danger. If Superman Cena gets pinned clean wae that sexy flying knee, Orton will be doon for a Big E Langston 5 count. Listen troops, ye've got a month between now and Night Of Champions, use that time to get a decent belt made for Bryan eh. Something that resembles a beard for yer waist (steady)
The whole saga ends with Orton gaun for the RKO, Bryan blocking it and dropkicking his stupid melt aw the way tae Jupiter.
Vickie Guerrero backstage, talking about Bryan had nae business being oot there. Bryan has business being anywhere he wants hen, you behave yersell wae that patter. She reveals Bryan will face Wade Barrett in a cage match later, and that makes me dae the Carlton dance fae Fresh Prince.
Cody Rhodes vs Curtis Axel
Lovely match. Its a shame I'm losing interest in Axel a wee bit, because the cunt can work. In terms of technical proficiency, yer man is a bawhair aff his auld dads standard. Nae jokes ma man, nae kiddin. Didnae like the finish right enough. Cody goes up top, and Heyman distracts him, leading to Axel hitting that jaunty neckbreaker thing that I'm no a fan of and getting the win. after 2 wins over Sandow, ye've got Cody jobbin tae Axel? nut. No a fan of this ataw. Nor was I a fan of the horrendous promo Axel cut, challenging Punk to a match on RAW, while the anxiety pish ran doon his leg. Its only a mic Curtis meht, nae need tae be so feart of it. It'll no bite. Heyman talks briefly anaw so that kinda offsets Axels shiteness a wee bit, but no enough.
Dolph Ziggler vs Big E Langston
So fuckin sad that this hasn't been a PPV feud. Just daft booking when you consider how irrelevant the WH Title has been since the last ADR vs Ziggler match. The greatest of respect to Christian like, but has anyone gied the beginnings of a fuck about any of his matches with Del Rio? Or the VT of his career they shoved in our coupons before the Summerslam match? naw, cause they've done literally nothing with his character since he's been back. He could be a fuckin heel for aw we know. Anyway, this match is another good yin. Short, but entertaining, cause these two have smashin chemistry. Big E attacks Dolph before he's done with his wee show off routine, and that means Dolph disnae get the chest oot. AJ gies him a wee dunt during this match anaw, but he STILL prevails after hitting the Zigzag. I'm accepting of peoples preferences n that, each tae their own, but if yer no a Dolph Ziggler guy/burd we cannae be pals. Sorry.
Christian vs Alberto Del Rio
Fatigue. That was the word floating about my heid throughout here. They essentially work the same match as the Summerslam one, with Christian looking strong before tapping to the cross armbreaker after a wee struggle. I didnae see the point ataw, and then Del Rio cuts the same promo he did on RAW, only for Ricardo Rodriguez tae come oot and cut the same promo he did on RAW and at this point I wis wondering if me having seen all of these events wis aw in my heid. A 6th sense for wrasslin. The ghost of wrasslin future.
Ricardo introduces RVD and he approaches the ring, but this time something different happened! Christian hits ADR wae the belt, and RVD uses the the big red patch on ADRs napper tae light up a wee doob, and him and Ricardo get wellness policied oot their nuts sir. He also hits Ricardo with the Rolling Thunder, cause anything tae dae wae rolling....RVD is in therr lit swimwear.
The Big Show and Mark Henry vs 3MB
I have mixed emotions about this alliance. As much as its gid tae see Big Show as a face, and its nice tae see Mark Henry display his real life soundness on a weekly basis in the wrasslin, but at the same time, this isnae what I want for big Mark. he earned the right tae be in the WWE Title picture, and he's been shelved in that regard. If there's a guy in the company mare deserving of at least one reign wae that belt (Bryan has had one technically so he disnae count) show me him. Show me someone who's worked harder and put as many people over as big Mark. Ye cannae. Its no possible. Match is a total squasher, which is a shame cause 3MB looked awrite against the Usos on RAW. Show gets the win wae the KO punch and thats that.
Shield appear on the titantron talking smack about Mark Shownry(team name mibbe needs work...the worlds most dangerous strongmen? big ol boadies? ach we'll come up wae suhin) Disappointing that this is the road they're taking the tag belts down, after pushing a real tag team in The Usos.
Antonio Cesaro vs Darren Young
Speaking of disappointing. Yees know fine well by noo I'm a huge Cesaro fanboy. How could I fuckin no be? in terms of wrasslin, he's perfect. So this was a fuckin abomination. A total injustice. A kick square in the baws after seeing that unbelievable match Cesaro worked with Sami Zayn on NXT. Considering how good Cesaro is, the lack of offense he got in here was tantamount to a squash match. Utter fuckin shite, I respect Darren Young for coming out and aw that, but this is an undue and overblown push imo. He is a good wrestler, and displays that here, but nowhere near the standard of Cesaro. Anyway, he wins with the Gutcheck. Making it two pinfall wins over Cesaro in a week. Unless this leads tae Cesaro knockin his cunt in on RAW. I AINT HAPPEH.
I never thought I'd say this but please...for the love of fuckin christ, get Ryback in the ring. ENOUGH wae these creepy as fuck backstage promos. This yin is the least logical one yet, as we appear to have a fan backstage lookin for his autograph. Ryback refuses at first, and calls the guys son a "total jerk and a dilhole and a jerk and a bad little guy" before assuring the man that he was "only pullin his leg" and signs the autograph. The man then looks at it and asks who Ryback is because he "hasnt seen you guys in a while" See if ye huvnae seen them in a while, whit in the name of fuck are ye daein backstage? The promo ends wae Ryback shaggin a wee dug. Or something. Fuck knows.
Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett (Steel Cage Match)
Crackin. I'm properly chuffed that this wee feud finally led to a couple of great matches. This was a feast for the eyes so it wis. Fulla lovely wee spots. Barrett nealry knocks Bryan clean oot the cage with that bullhammer elbow thing, before Barrett is on the top rope, looking to climb out the cage, only for Bryan to hit him with a stoater of a powerbomb as he flips himself roon from the right side of Barrett. (that makes nae sense really, its a move ye'd have to see, I'm usually no bad at articulating these things, but this shit was unusual tae say the least) The match continues to be braw, and is brought to a close when Bryan hits Barrett with that fuckin brutal flying knee and picks up the win.
Smashing end to a largely good Smackdown, as Bryan skips roon the ring giein it aw that "YES! YES! YES! patter, only for him to be hit with the DIAMOND RKO CUTTER OUTTA NOWHERE. As much as this made sense to make the Champion look strong, I'd still like to tell it tae fuck off.
Tae summarise, aside from Cesaro getting fucked ower, and that horrendous Axel promo, it was another solid edition of Smackdown and for that reason i gie it 7.46 kneebars oota 10.
Remember. The example you create will be followed by yer bairns and any other youngsters who look up to ye, so stay safe. Don't try this at home.
(Disclaimer...The above wis just a wee funny....I don't do drugs...much)
I've got the jist of how the first half hour went down though, so I'll fraudulently review it anyway cause that's how much I care about giein ye the whole story. The whole kit n caboodle. The hale whack.
Vickie Guerrero comes oot, reveals to the world that "I BEEELEEEVE IN GRAAAAAAAAAADO" then does a Sin Cara dive out the ring and breaks her ankle. Oot comes Randy Orton after that to deliver a really riveting promo abou...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Our slumber is ended by Daniel Bryan emerging to get Randy tellt. He thanks Cena for the match first, which apparently got booed. That horrendous patter needs addressed imo, so I'm gonnae put a wee note tae fans at WWE live shows, in italics n everything..here it comes...
Dear fans at WWE Live Shows
I know its hard tae fight aw yer natural urges, but please, for even just one show, try n no be a team of utter dicks.
John Cena is a limited in ring performer, and occasionally cuts dire promos on his own, but given the right opponent (for matches and promos) he is easily one of the top 5 performers in the company, and has continually worked through personal troubles and injuries for YOU. Tae gie YOU somethin tae enjoy, or somethin tae boo if thats yer thing. John Cena is a multi millionaire, he disnae fuckin NEED tae dae anythin with torn triceps, but he worked that match wae Daniel Bryan because he believed that him putting Bryan over clean as a whistle was vital for Bryan. He sacrificed his own well being to put your hero (and mine) over, and they worked a fantastic match in the process, so whit fuckin more dae you nae good, sweaty ersed, smark wanks want fae John Cena exactly? blood? a kidney? d'ye want a gid feel of his pecs? Whitever yer thing is, he'd prolly oblige cause thats how much he actually gies a fuck about the fans. Randy Orton however, wid quite gladly stub a cigar oot in yer eye if he felt there was some justification for it. He's yer current champion. He's the real bad guy. If yer gonnae boo someone, boo him (which they did to be fair..but still fuck them)
So cut it oot eh. The next time ye see Cena I want the pop tae be heard fae Boston tae Beirut.
Yours in distress
Martin Smith (Wrasslin Reviewer/Joke Teller/Former SPL sticker book completer)
Anyway aye, Bryan informs Randy that the only reason he's got the belt is cause triple H wants to shag him, and he lets him know that he wan ts it back. He's taking it back. Nae danger. If Superman Cena gets pinned clean wae that sexy flying knee, Orton will be doon for a Big E Langston 5 count. Listen troops, ye've got a month between now and Night Of Champions, use that time to get a decent belt made for Bryan eh. Something that resembles a beard for yer waist (steady)
The whole saga ends with Orton gaun for the RKO, Bryan blocking it and dropkicking his stupid melt aw the way tae Jupiter.
Vickie Guerrero backstage, talking about Bryan had nae business being oot there. Bryan has business being anywhere he wants hen, you behave yersell wae that patter. She reveals Bryan will face Wade Barrett in a cage match later, and that makes me dae the Carlton dance fae Fresh Prince.
Cody Rhodes vs Curtis Axel
Lovely match. Its a shame I'm losing interest in Axel a wee bit, because the cunt can work. In terms of technical proficiency, yer man is a bawhair aff his auld dads standard. Nae jokes ma man, nae kiddin. Didnae like the finish right enough. Cody goes up top, and Heyman distracts him, leading to Axel hitting that jaunty neckbreaker thing that I'm no a fan of and getting the win. after 2 wins over Sandow, ye've got Cody jobbin tae Axel? nut. No a fan of this ataw. Nor was I a fan of the horrendous promo Axel cut, challenging Punk to a match on RAW, while the anxiety pish ran doon his leg. Its only a mic Curtis meht, nae need tae be so feart of it. It'll no bite. Heyman talks briefly anaw so that kinda offsets Axels shiteness a wee bit, but no enough.
Dolph Ziggler vs Big E Langston
So fuckin sad that this hasn't been a PPV feud. Just daft booking when you consider how irrelevant the WH Title has been since the last ADR vs Ziggler match. The greatest of respect to Christian like, but has anyone gied the beginnings of a fuck about any of his matches with Del Rio? Or the VT of his career they shoved in our coupons before the Summerslam match? naw, cause they've done literally nothing with his character since he's been back. He could be a fuckin heel for aw we know. Anyway, this match is another good yin. Short, but entertaining, cause these two have smashin chemistry. Big E attacks Dolph before he's done with his wee show off routine, and that means Dolph disnae get the chest oot. AJ gies him a wee dunt during this match anaw, but he STILL prevails after hitting the Zigzag. I'm accepting of peoples preferences n that, each tae their own, but if yer no a Dolph Ziggler guy/burd we cannae be pals. Sorry.
Christian vs Alberto Del Rio
Fatigue. That was the word floating about my heid throughout here. They essentially work the same match as the Summerslam one, with Christian looking strong before tapping to the cross armbreaker after a wee struggle. I didnae see the point ataw, and then Del Rio cuts the same promo he did on RAW, only for Ricardo Rodriguez tae come oot and cut the same promo he did on RAW and at this point I wis wondering if me having seen all of these events wis aw in my heid. A 6th sense for wrasslin. The ghost of wrasslin future.
Ricardo introduces RVD and he approaches the ring, but this time something different happened! Christian hits ADR wae the belt, and RVD uses the the big red patch on ADRs napper tae light up a wee doob, and him and Ricardo get wellness policied oot their nuts sir. He also hits Ricardo with the Rolling Thunder, cause anything tae dae wae rolling....RVD is in therr lit swimwear.
The Big Show and Mark Henry vs 3MB
I have mixed emotions about this alliance. As much as its gid tae see Big Show as a face, and its nice tae see Mark Henry display his real life soundness on a weekly basis in the wrasslin, but at the same time, this isnae what I want for big Mark. he earned the right tae be in the WWE Title picture, and he's been shelved in that regard. If there's a guy in the company mare deserving of at least one reign wae that belt (Bryan has had one technically so he disnae count) show me him. Show me someone who's worked harder and put as many people over as big Mark. Ye cannae. Its no possible. Match is a total squasher, which is a shame cause 3MB looked awrite against the Usos on RAW. Show gets the win wae the KO punch and thats that.
Shield appear on the titantron talking smack about Mark Shownry(team name mibbe needs work...the worlds most dangerous strongmen? big ol boadies? ach we'll come up wae suhin) Disappointing that this is the road they're taking the tag belts down, after pushing a real tag team in The Usos.
Antonio Cesaro vs Darren Young
Speaking of disappointing. Yees know fine well by noo I'm a huge Cesaro fanboy. How could I fuckin no be? in terms of wrasslin, he's perfect. So this was a fuckin abomination. A total injustice. A kick square in the baws after seeing that unbelievable match Cesaro worked with Sami Zayn on NXT. Considering how good Cesaro is, the lack of offense he got in here was tantamount to a squash match. Utter fuckin shite, I respect Darren Young for coming out and aw that, but this is an undue and overblown push imo. He is a good wrestler, and displays that here, but nowhere near the standard of Cesaro. Anyway, he wins with the Gutcheck. Making it two pinfall wins over Cesaro in a week. Unless this leads tae Cesaro knockin his cunt in on RAW. I AINT HAPPEH.
I never thought I'd say this but please...for the love of fuckin christ, get Ryback in the ring. ENOUGH wae these creepy as fuck backstage promos. This yin is the least logical one yet, as we appear to have a fan backstage lookin for his autograph. Ryback refuses at first, and calls the guys son a "total jerk and a dilhole and a jerk and a bad little guy" before assuring the man that he was "only pullin his leg" and signs the autograph. The man then looks at it and asks who Ryback is because he "hasnt seen you guys in a while" See if ye huvnae seen them in a while, whit in the name of fuck are ye daein backstage? The promo ends wae Ryback shaggin a wee dug. Or something. Fuck knows.
Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett (Steel Cage Match)
Crackin. I'm properly chuffed that this wee feud finally led to a couple of great matches. This was a feast for the eyes so it wis. Fulla lovely wee spots. Barrett nealry knocks Bryan clean oot the cage with that bullhammer elbow thing, before Barrett is on the top rope, looking to climb out the cage, only for Bryan to hit him with a stoater of a powerbomb as he flips himself roon from the right side of Barrett. (that makes nae sense really, its a move ye'd have to see, I'm usually no bad at articulating these things, but this shit was unusual tae say the least) The match continues to be braw, and is brought to a close when Bryan hits Barrett with that fuckin brutal flying knee and picks up the win.
Smashing end to a largely good Smackdown, as Bryan skips roon the ring giein it aw that "YES! YES! YES! patter, only for him to be hit with the DIAMOND RKO CUTTER OUTTA NOWHERE. As much as this made sense to make the Champion look strong, I'd still like to tell it tae fuck off.
Tae summarise, aside from Cesaro getting fucked ower, and that horrendous Axel promo, it was another solid edition of Smackdown and for that reason i gie it 7.46 kneebars oota 10.
Remember. The example you create will be followed by yer bairns and any other youngsters who look up to ye, so stay safe. Don't try this at home.
Friday, August 23, 2013
TNA Impact Review 22/08/2013 (Part 2 of Hardcore Justice)
Oh TNA. Why must you tease me so.
So many weeks of Hogan based depression and expecting
disappointment but then 2 shows out of 3 are actually pretty good and suddenly
I feel positive about the world again. Here's the big problem with me feeling
positive about the world....my capacity to ridicule bad wrestling shows goes
numb. Totally limp. Like Tito Otiz' arms as he rushed towards the ring last
week, it just goes kind of...wooden.
Storm and Gunner vs
Kaz and Roode
No idea how they came to the conclusion that Daniels would
be the one sitting this out, but aye. It was a decent enough brawl. Everyone
wore jeans. It was like if the Smoking Gunns wrestled the Godwins, apart from
less body odour and casual racism. Roode
hits Storm with a low blow and gets the win. Nothing much to write home
about as a match tbh. I would rather have seen these 4 in a proper tag match,
with some wrestling and lycra.
Aries promo backstage. Talking about how he's been asked to
join both the MEM and Roode Influence lately, but he trusts neither of them. He
will go to whichever stable buys him the most expensive gift, and even then.
There still won’t be trust. There will be brainbusters though.
Sonjay Dutt vs Manik
This wasn't for the belt, and it was the result of TNAs new
policy to have ALL X-Division matches be 1-on-1 now. Which to me seems very
rigid, considering that's the division of the company which became known for
its innovation. The match is good. Very entertaining affair. I don’t think
Sonjay Dutt is capable of anything else really and as much as I think the
gimmick is offensive to the senses, Manik can work too. Manik blocks Sonjays moonsault attempt, and then catches his attempt
at a hurricanrana, before hitting him with the Lungblower for the win.
Excellent match. No complaints about the show so far, which was relieving and
sickening in equal measure.
Aces and Eights promo backstage, talking about the upcoming
5 on-5 match with the Main Event Mafia.
Main Event Mafia promo backstage, talking about the upcoming
5-on-5 match with Aces and Eights.
I looked at the clock, it said "2.42am" and I
wondered how many wrong turns it took in my life for it to get to this stage.
I jest of course, these promos were necessary for build up
the match, but you know what wasn't necessary? at all? the match itself.
Especially after Angle went to rehab, they just should have binned the whole
storyline if you ask me. The man who gets pinned in that match later leaves TNA
btw. That's a nugget of info you'll need as we press on. Memorise that.
Hernandez vs Jay
Boreadley vs Joseph Park vs Christopher Daniels
So that was the first hour over with and TNA had been hugely
enjoyable. This of course has to mean that THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING. RUN FOR
YOUR LIVES.
Another MEM Mafia promo. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They failed
last week. Bully Ray, Aces and Eights...etc..etc. Booooo.
Next up is Bully Ray and Tito Ortiz approaching the ring.
What the hell is wrong with Tito Ortiz man? he walks like he's 50 percent
concrete, and talks like he's 100 percent brain-dead. Rampage is almost
passable, as long as he stays quiet but there's just something wrong with
everything that Ortiz does in a wrasslin ring. Ultimately Bully saves it with
an excellent heel promo, saying how he doesn't consider himself to me a 2 time
Champion, because he doesn't recognise Sabins reign. Something about the Ortiz
heel turn being the plan all along, and then he reveals the Brooke he was
talking about last week to be none other than Brooke Tessmacher. Brooke
Tessmacher does not offend all of my senses at once like the other Brooke. In
fact she stimulates a few of my senses in a good way, and despite the
horrendous kiss exchanged between her and Bully, this promo also gets pass
marks from me. MEM/Aces and Eights backstage promos, and anything involving
Ortiz aside, it had all been pretty good. Madness.
Gail Kim vs ODB
I spoke of my desire to eat pancakes with both the
competitors(for very different reasons) in this one on Twitter, whilst I had a
wee buzz on, but I won't subject you good people to such filth. It was an
excellent wrestling match, so let’s say things about that instead shall we?
Great back and forth between these two, and the pace was
steady throughout. Encouraging to see ODB back wrasslin regularly, and even
greater see her hit a superplex in this match. Gail got the win with the crucifix pin though. Leaving both her,
and ODB with wins in the past two weeks, meaning....another triple threat match
with them and Mickie I assume? they seem to be the only knockouts left at this
point. Unless you count Christy Hemme (which I do not)
Another Aries backstage promo. Both of his promos on this
show were very well done. Clear, concise and engaging. Some of his promo work
had been so-so over the past couple of months, but that’s probably because of
how poor the subject matter has been. This angle with Bad Influence, Roode and
Aries is exactly what these 4 guys needed. Along with Samoa Joe and AJ Styles,
these are the guys who should be the central figures in TNA. I'm encouraged
that someone with some influence seems to have realised this, but not hopeful
it will become a permanent change in direction tbh. I'm still feeling the burn
from that amazing Aries/Suicide angle being canned the very next week to trust
TNA fully. Why oh why.
Aces and Eights
(Garrett Bischoff, Wes Brisco, Ken Anderson, D-Von and Mike Knox)
VS
The Main Event Mafia
(Sting, Magnus, Rampage Jackson, Samoa Joe and a mystery partner)
Loser of the fall leaves TNA
Aces and Eights come out. Not on motorbikes, because they
are a biker gang without bikes. Without a bike, what does a "Biker
Gang" become? just an "R Gang"? that's one of those questions we
may never know the answer to folks. Anyway, Ken Anderson urges Bully, Tito and
Brooke to come out and watch them wipe the floor with the shorthanded MEM. They
do emerge to watch over proceedings, and the photo below sums up my reflections on Tito Ortiz arm movements perfectly.
I mean, whats he uptae there? checkin if his keys are still in his pocket? has he had a mild stroke and his right side has gone limp? whats the fuckin matter wae this guy ataw. Mental.
The MEM aren't having ANY of that and decide to
announce that they do have a 5th man to join them and its none other than AJ STYLES.
Not just any AJ Styles...AJ STYLES WITH SHORTER HAIR AND AN ABILITY TO GIVE
MORE THAN A PASSING SHIT. This was a nice swerve also, and I enjoyed seeing AJ
look into his work again.
A brawl between all 10 men ensues, before we get into some
truly turgid 5 on 5 tag wrestling. It really doesn't help when one half of the
match is a team made up of low-mid carders, and the other has an MMA fighter.
My guess for the pin was Mike Knox, but I hoped and prayed for it to be Garrett
Bischoff. It was actually neither of those two, and nor was it the other very
logical choice (Wes "Meth and Sunbeds" Brisco) but it was D-Von who
got pinned after AJ hit him with the Styles Clash.
Advantage MEM in this really meaningful and exciting Stable
vs Stable feud. I can't wait to see what happens next week! haha. Really
though, if this isn’t the end of this feud I may find myself gouging my eyes
out with spoons next week rather than be subjected to any more of it.
Overall though, an excellent Impact. As usual it was dragged
down by some awful promo work and the Main Event wasn’t very good, but for all
the Roode/Bad Influence/Aries stuff, and the matches between Dutt v Manik and
Gail Kim vs ODB, its gets an impressive 7 suicide dives out of 10.
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