TNA Impact Review 28/11/2013

Nah. I cant do it anymore. I don't know if this is me retiring from Impact reviewing, or just from life in general but this is a step too far. Dixie Carter opens the show again, which is an outrage in itself, but she opens the show announcing the one of the most annoying little no marks that has ever stepped into a wrestling ring, Rockstar Spud is her choice to be new chief of staff. He emerges looking something someone from Jersey Shore sweated out during a particularly intense workout. A mess of a boy. He squeaks some nonsense about him being Dixies ears, and shes his queen. I vomited such an unbelievable amount, I actually slipped to -2% body fat.

Dixie announces Roode will face Hardy in a tables match, and Angle will face Magnus in a last man standing match in the world title tournament semi finals next week. She then announces something about a feast, and something about AJ Styles. I cant lie, I barely listened to this because its living, breathing braindeath. She introduces us to EC3, this is a good thing because it meant she stopped talking.

EC3 vs Curry Man

Another week, another squash. Nice to see you Curry Man. Nothing better than a nice wee nostalgia pop.

Gunner, Storm and Angle having a brief chat ahead of their involvement in an 8 man tag later. Gunner tells Storm he only threw the towel in on his behalf last week because he thought it was the right thing to do, and Storm seems to accept this. That's nice. That's nice for them.

The Bro-Mans, Eric Young, ODB and the two jobbers that EC3 beat a lot are involved in a backstage promo, its regarding the Bro-Mans facing the jobbers later and its about as bad as you are currently imagining.

Velvet Sky vs Lei'D Tapa

There has perhaps never been a less charismatic female wrestler than Lei'D Tapa. Absolutely awful. Gail Kim gets sent to the back early for being super cheeky, and Lei'D Tapa snaps Velvet in two with a firemans carry into a stunner type of move. An impressive physical specimen is Lei'D Tapa just incredibly boring.

A segment which involved The Bro-Mans, Those Two jobbers and Eric Young. A segment which included an extended period of mic time for Jessie Godderz. A segment which involved the two jobbers dressing as chickens. A segment which made my soul die.

Dixie screaming into the camera. The screaming is aimed at AJ. This is the worst television show in the history of television. In this realm and every other one.

Mr Anderson speaking a memorial service for Aces and Eights. Everyones just stopped caring now right? that's the only explanation for how bad this is? This is one of those segments that's so bad its good. Kurt Angle is the next to speak and he says words about how D-Lo Brown shakes his head in the funny way, which is why they made a bobble head out of him. This used to be a wrestling show. Mike Tenay and Eric Young laugh. Samoa Joe says some words whilst eating, and says he's going to put a 6 pack of beer in the Aces and Eights coffin, because its one of the few substances in the world that make them palatable to other humans. He doesn't put the 6 pack in the coffin however, because it would have been daft to waste the beer which is an extremely valid point. Mike Tenay says it sucks that Taz will still be with him on commentary, but at least that smelly Aces and Eights jacket is consigned to the bin forever. Eric Young puts a chicken suit in the coffin and cries, and Anderson puts the hammer in the coffin because if its in a coffin, Bully Ray cant hit people with it. Bully decides to gatecrash his own funeral because that's just what he does, and he threatens Andersons pregnant wife. From amusing to entirely unpalatable in 30 seconds, TNA you never cease to amaze me.

Team Roode vs Team Angle (Elimination Match)

TNA claim they are trying to provide a product which acts as an alternative to WWE, yet just days after WWE ran their PPV which provides at least one elimination match every year, TNA has that kind of match as its main event on its flagship show. Alternative means something different btw, just in case any of you weren't aware. Anyway, the match was fairly boring, here are its highlights in bullet points.

• Storm hits the backstabber on Daniels, and the Codebreaker on Sabin, before Kaz distracts him and gets superkicked for his troubles, only for Sabin to roll Storm up for the 3 count. Storm eliminated.
• Bad Influence hits the high-low on Gunner. Gunner? more the goner haha (I'm so sorry) Gunner eliminated
• Magnus knackers his knee (when something is "knackered" it means it no longer functions as it should, add that to your growing repertoire of Scottish slang) and has to leave the match. Leaving Angle vs all 4 members of Team Roode.
• Angle hits a belly to belly on Roode, followed by another on Sabin, and then a couple of Germans for Roode for good measure. Then 3 Germans for Daniel, 3 for Kaz, before hitting both members of Bad Influence with one to finish it off. We've gone suplex mental!
• Angle locks in a double anklelock on Bad Influence, after hitting Sabin with the Angle Slam. Roode comes at him with a chair, but he ducks and gives him the angle slam. All these suplexes, Anklelocks and Angle Slams but so far, no pins. He isn't interested in pins though, just destruction and he takes the steel chair that Roode brought in and decides to smash everyone with it. He's DQ'd. Team Roode wins.

Compared to everything else on the show, this was largely passable so of course we had to end on a completely ridiculous note.

Rockstar Spud invites the winners of the elimination match out for a feast. Lei'D Tapa, Gail Kim and Bro-Mans are there also. They take a turn each on the mic of saying why they're thankful, before the faces rush the ring and there's food and dignity all over the place. End of story.

Overall this was comfortably the worst thing I've ever seen, and for the suplex sequence from Angle only it gets 1 rolling thunder out of 10. Please make it stop.

WWE Smackdown Review 29/11/2013

Ye know fine well I'm daft for wrasslin shows startin wae matches. Make it a Mark Henry match? and oh me oh my, we've got ourselves a start worthy of disrobing. I didnae but, cause its winter n that. Two perrs ah joggies and jackets in the hoose weather so it is. Anyway aye...wrestling.

Mark Henry vs Curtis Axel

Aww beautiful. I expected little fae this, but then yer Mark Henry started buttin Axel like the Junkyard Dog n I spunked aw err ma hall. Big E accompanied him tae the ring, and Ryback accompanied Axel so naturally Big E gied Rywank a diddy hit for his troubles, then the bold Mr Henry hits the Worlds Strongest Slam fura win. No a bad way tae kick aff yer Smackdown eh? it wisnae a promo involving Randy Orton so it'll dae me.

Broadus Clay appears to turn heel by shouting at and shoving Xavier Woods backstage. If ye feel the need tae pretend ye care about this, since its getting near Christmas, why not put yon face ye pull when yer kiddin on one of yer pressies isnae a total shiter. Yon fake smile and nod. Ye know the one.

Renee Young introduces Randy Orton tae the ring fur an interview. I spoke too soon troops. Gawd almighty. Since I'm reviewing this live I'm gonnae huv a wee ramble about something completely unrelated tae it until I hear him say something interesting. Aw Christ, he just said he had an iron jaw ahahahahahahaha belter. Anyway aye, when I wis wee I used tae watch Summerslam 90 a lot, n since then I've been quite taken wae Mr Perfect. He dropped the IC Belt tae Kerry Von Erich anaw, but he done it wae such style and grace, and oh theres Orton stormed oot the ring! thank fuck for that. Renee musta asked him if his tan wis real or no. Never question this mans bronzing regime if ye don't want tae be on the sharp end of a hissy fit. Lesson learned Renee hen.

Great Khali n Titus O'Neal eating a lot, while other low-mid card cunts watch. When did WWE get shite again? this is fuckin shite man. I cannae even summon the energy tae ridicule this wae my usual vigour, cause its baws. Titus wins the eating hing and gets tellt he's tae wrestle Cesaro. I suppose that means we get a Cesaro singles match, so its no aw bad eh.

3MB vs Los Matadores and The Wee Bull

So 3MB are the Plymouth Rockers this week. They're actually daein this hing so they urr, comin oot wae a new gimmick every week. I'll no lie, I dig it. It makes me forget they're jobbers briefly, until they...well until they job n that. They're wrestling Los Matadores this week cause its been at least 2 weeks since we seen this fuckin match, but this time instead of the wee bull hittin a hurricanrana on one of 3MB efter the match, he's actually in it! Such amazement! I cannae wait for it tae begin. The bull and the matadors hit some dives, before Jinder stomps on a matadors chest. Big Drew scuds a Matador while he hings on the tap rope, before the same Matador hits a nice spike DDT on Drew. Wee headscissors takedoon followed by a mental armdrag hing fae the wee bull, here btw, dinnae tell anycunt but I wis actually fair intae this. An entertaining wee romp so it wis. Yer Matadors hit that shite double team backdrop hing for the win. 3MB are pencilled in tae win a match roon aboot February time, so don't despair, the boayz will have their day in the sun. Or Drews gonnae turn on the other two soon. I know whit wan I'm hopin fur chief!

Wis gonnae ignore this wee bit, cause its just a bunch of wrasslers talkin about how braw it is tae be on tour. Kofi Kingston pronounced Belgium weird btw. But it caught my attention cause it hud the Smella twins kiddin on they were nice people. Foolin NAECUNT wae that routine ya coupla devilish rotters yees.

Tonnes of Funk vs Xavier Woods n R-Truth

Usual happy go lucky dancing routine fae Broadus, and R-Truth n Xavier Woods also appeared tae be cheeky wee faces, so this wis jist 4 guys who like a dance huvin a wee scrap. Nae herm in it. Big Albert hits a splash in the corner on truth, but Truth boots his jaw for him as he approaches for a second dose of splashin. Xavier gets in and tries tae knock Broadus aff the apron, but the big man nae sells it tae fuck cause he's a big jiggly mess of a boay. Broadus gets a blind tag, and hits a second rope splash on Woods fur the win, before talkin some smack tae Xavier. So we're using Xavier Woods main roster promotion tae push Broadus Clay as a heel aye? gid. Ridden wae logic that so it isnae. The Funkadactyls, Albert n Broadus huv a heavy awkward wee dance together. Safe tae assume this wee stable willnae be a stable for much longer eh. If it leads tae Albert being Albert again, I'm fine wae it.

Oh aye! First a brief CM Punk promo backstage. He's no heard fae Daniel Bryan, and he thinks Roman Reigns spearing him wis a right sneaky move. Sneaky n cheeky... and then Bray.

Ooft, those words. Ye think by now we might be sick of it considering the fact that he disnae wrestle much, but those fuckin words. Spine tingling brawness. I cannae dae it justice so I wont try, he said wonderful things. He always does.

Titus O'Neil vs Antonio Cesaro

Titus spends much of the early part of this yin moving slowly and haudin his stomach, so ye ken fine well whits comin. He's gonnae get the spins and he's gonnae whitey. We're gonnae witness a fuckin live whitey boys n girls. We aw as excited as I am for that? Antonio keeps on hittin aw sorts of sareness on Titus' middles, afore hitting that gutwrench suplex and finally locking in the spins. He only gets tae about 8 before wee Darren Young saves the day, and saves his pal fae a live whitey. Or does he? Titus stumbles tae the outside like he's been in Kushion mainlining Sambucca, and he grabs JBLs hat, afore whiteying profusely intae it, and dumping the live whitey on Michael Coles heid. I'll pose this question tae ye once more, when did WWE get shite again? I hink it wis probably the very moment that Daniel Bryan wis removed fae the title picture eh? Only thing keepin this watchable right now is The Wyatts, the Shield and of course The Beardy Besties. Oh and Titus wis sick on Zebs heid anaw. I jist spent the last 10 minutes watching Titus vomit on people. Is this whit life is noo? I'm so confused.

The Rhodezies vs The Shield (Tag Title Match)

Magic as usual. Dean Ambrose on commentary anaw, and he disnae gie a fuck. Tells Micheal Cole tae keep his daft nose oof the boayzies business, and when JBL tries to apologise for Cole, he tells him tae clamp it anaw. Dean Ambrose isnae yer pal, and to be frank aboot it, if Titus hudnae already done it, he'd probably spew in yer hat anaw just tae drive home the point that you mean ride aw tae him. Cody and Goldy send the boys flying oot the ring, before Cody goes for the Alabama Slam, but Rollins reverses. Big Roman the conqueror gets in and The Shield boys are lookin as cohesive as ever. I have become quite enamoured with Roman and that spear he does, and if yer wondering whit I mean by enamoured, I mean I want tae do dirty stuff tae it.
Codys getting ragdolled for a while but he finally gets Goldy back in and he comes oot wae aw the classics; Uppercuts, atomic drops, and sensual chest stroking galore, before Rollins and Goldy get dumped err the ropes. Rollins is in there wae Goldy and lookin strong, drops himsell back first on Goldys chest, but big Dustin rsponds wae the crispest of aw the DDTs. Reigns gets in wae Goldy n this is the stuff im intae. In an ideal world, Goldy gets a wee shot of the World Heavyweight Title next year, and its big Roman that takes it aff him. They have the brawest chemistry so they dae. Rollins and Reigns attempt a double team, but Goldy scuds them baith wae some flying eblow action. Codys back in and fleein aboot daft, rolls up Rollins for the near fall, before hitting that beautiful uppercut fae the ground. Aw sortsa carnage on the outside, wae Reigns n Goldust exchanging big auld shots tae the jaw. Cody tries the moonsault back in the ring but he misses by a mile and Seth goes for the springboard knee, Cody moves and hits the Cross Rhodes for the win, will it widda been if Dean Ambrose didnae dive in and make it a DQ. CM Punk clearly disnae take too kindly tae matches not finishing cleanly, cause he comes rushin oot wae a chair and leathers Reigns in the ribs wae it.

Err Vickie! aw please make it a 6 man tag. Please.

She did it! its a 6 man tag! and the fuckin original match wis eye wateringly braw in its ain right. Here we go.

The Shield vs The Rhodzies and CM Punk

CM Punk chopping Ambrose daft is something I didnae expect tae see when I settled in for a tag title match so this is mare than a pleasant surprise. I wis creamin ma drawers fur it. Some shit for Goldy right enough, the mans 44 ffs, he cannae be pullin these double shifts without at least a wee nap in between. Cody battles wae Rollins on the outside, before taggin his brother back in tae smack the taste outta Rollins's gub. Back tae Punk and Ambrose and Punk hits the swinging neckbreaker before caling for the GTS. Lights oot, The Wyatts turn up haufway doon the aisle and keep their scary beady eyes on the events unfolding in the ring. Their distraction leads The Sheild tae gain the upper hand again, but Punk hits back wae one of the maist impressive double moves I've ever seen as he hits a swinging neckbreaker on Ambrose and a DDT on Rollins at the same time. The Wyatts see this as their cue tae start battering the Rhodzies and that's another DQ. Fuck sake. The Usos and Rey jump oot for hauners and Vickie makes it a 12 man tag. Ocht just when I thought this Smackdown had went fae total shite tae allllllright, fuckin 12 man tag. This messy nansense can get tae fuck.

The Shield and The Wyatts vs The Usos, The Rhodsiez, CM Punk and Rey Misterio

Harper batters an Uso before strangely snubbing his brothers and tagging in Rollins. Rollins returns the favour by taggin Bray and and tae the naked eye, it appears tae be aw the boayzies together as one.  Rey gets in there wae Harper and hits a tornado DDT. At this point Goldy is pretty much hyper ventilating on the apron, face paint aw dishevelled, fuckin knackered so he wis. Bray gets in there and batters wee Rey a bit, before Rowan does yon bearhug where it looks like hes trying tae squeeze aw yer vital organs oot. Whit a creepy big ginger giant of a man. Punk gets back in and hits a couple high knees on Big Rowan. Wan mare for good measure? why no eh. Gid tae see Punk enjoying his work again after months of having tae suffer through matches wae nae users like Ryback and Axel. The Usos dae some super high dives on Harper and Rollins, before Punk has a GTS attempt on Rowan thrwarted by Bray. Rey Misterio is huvin none of that, and hits a 619 on Rowan after getting rid of Bryay, n Punk hits the GTS on Rowan tae finally gie us a clean finish after 40 odd minutes of fairly fuckin braw wrasslin. I mean I'm no a huge fan of the mental booking, but ye cannae argue with aw the gid wrasslin we were treated tae there.

So for yer Mark Henry sighting, a surprisingly entertaining wee match wae The Matadors and 3MD, and the gidness on show in yer mental main event, Smackdown jist managed tae creep up tae 6.75 tiger bombs oota 10.

Tell us a story Big E!

ICW 100% Shenanigans Preview/Predictions

Feels like a fuckin lifetime since we were last at The Garage for some ICW, so its only fitting that we end ICWs most successful year in the place where some of its maist important moments occurred. This is the place where Red Lightnings almost year long title reign wis brought to an end by Mikey Whiplash, this is the place Grado finally performed a successful F5, this is the place where Jack Jester launched Crazy Mary Dobson aff a balcony ontae a baying mob of sweaty punters, this is the place where Wolfgang picked up n flung Solar so far that he found himself performing botched acrobatics in the Cathouse, this is the place where Joe Coffey cemented his place as the scariest cunt tae ever breathe air, this is the place where Jamie Feerick wis lanched ootae the Square Go 3 times despite never entering it, and perhaps most importantly this is the place where Chris Renfrew opened a whole new chapter in his ICW career by scuddin Mark Dallas over the napper wae a kendo stick tae re-form the NAK and turn intae a diabolical heel. Also, sometimes cunts wrestle here.

This years December event is called 100% Shenanigans, which is handy cause being involved in/overhearing conversations involving folk confused aboot whit "Santa Gravy" means (it means Santas bawjuice btw, im lit 60-70% certain of that) wis getting auld. The card looks a beezer so I'll get tae previewing it eh? Sound. Make sure ye get yersells gid and comfy, cause I might ramble oan a bit here. Yer fluids replenished aye? don't need the toilet or anything? gid. We shall proceed wae reckless abandon..

Nikki Storm and Carmel vs The Owens Twins (Kay Lee Ray special guest ref)

Nikki Storm and Carmel teaming is a fuckin wet dream tae me man, my two favourite lassies in the business right now, and I don't mean just the Scottish scene either. No seen Nikki in action since the last FF show, so I cannae wait tae see if her trip tae America has actually managed to improve her already braw skillset. When it comes tae Carmel, ye ken fine well how I feel about that lassie, disnae even need discussed again. Promos, wrasslin, lookin like she wants tae spit in yer eye and call ye a "fucking disgrace of a human" she's got it aw. Hope this match gets plenty of time anaw, cause despite them being around ICW for the best part of a year, I definitely huvnae seen enough of the Owens twins in the ring. From what I've seen they're a coupla talented burds, and Kasey is just back fae working over in Japan, so I'm intrigued tae see what this yin produces wrasslin wise. Kay Lee special guest reffin anaw, so I expect some shenanigans between her and Carmel. This whole situation is jist gonnae be a team of braw lassies causin it. I fancy Kay Lee and Carmel tae get intae some kinda ruckus, and The Owens Twins tae get the win aff the distraction.

Joe Coffey vs James Scott

I mind previewing the last show and saying that if these two tore the hoose doon as expected it wid hopefully lead tae more matches between them. Well they went n delivered and now here we have this saliva inducing excellence tae enjoy once again. I'd be content if they worked the same match as Fear and Lothian exactly tbh, but ye know fine well they're gonnae produce a match that's eye wateringly gid in its ain right. Joe has been getting face reactions for a few months now, and it felt like The Coffeys were teasing a wee face turn, but I reckon this show will be when Joe reminds us aw that he's the scariest cunt in ICW, and probably planet earth. I expect these two tae treat us tae a belter, most likely match of the night, Joe tae win clean again, then instead of the handshake at the end, Joe batters in a Boston Crab. Nae mercy.

The NAK vs The Bucky Boys

I dunno whit the score is here. Wae Renfrew and Divers using Davey Boy's penchant fur getting bawdeep in wee durties against him, and taking him oot the game, I assume we'll get a wee mystery partner fur Stevie here. Maybe the return of an auld favourite? Who widnae love tae see Johnny Moss or Drew Macdonald as a Bucky? Or mibbe we'll see Kenneth complete his face turn and team up wae Stevie tae form the highest flyinest, skinniest tag team since The Rockers. Who knows eh. Some kinda match will happen here but, that's fur true, and I cannae see any outcome but The NAK retaining whits left of they belts. NAK vs Sumerian Death Squad has tae happen, and it has tae be as beautiful as I imagine it in my heid.

An Evening With Joe Hendry

Its no even real how hard Joe is gonnae get his baws toed aff big Damian O'Connor here. The big yin is gonnae fling him aboot lit dirty washin. I could see a few folk popping up in this segment actually, all with the explicit desire tae knock Joes pan in. Joe is my main man n that, don't get me wrang, but in terms of crowd reaction he's gonnae get the Jackie Polo treatment for a while, then all of a sudden everycunt will realise he's actually fuckin good at whit he does. Because he really is. A talented boay. He's just a talented boay that might no make it outta The Garage alive, but listen, better men than him have perished in there, so there's nae shame if ye don't make it Joe son. Nae shame ataw.

BT Gunn vs Wolfgang

So much fuckin YASS! here. This will be a stoater of course, but if I don't see big Wolfy seductively peel they straps doon and engage in a chop war wae BT, then its been a wasted day. I might actually rip ma ticket up, chuck it in the air a storm oot if we don't see some chops. BT Gunn is the best at chops in professional wrestling btw. Don't believe me? I asked Kenta Kobashi whit he thought of it, n he wis jist lit "BT Gunn" and he walked away fae me. Nae more words needed spoken. I fancy BT tae go over here thanks tae some NAK tomfoolery, but its another MOTN candidate so it is. Gid chance for both tae get thersells intae the title picture anaw.

Mark Coffey vs Liam Thomson (Zero-G Title Match)

So after teasing a split for months, afore turning heel outta nowhere, yer Fight Club have decided tae come for aw the singles belts. On the off chance ye wurnae aware, both are accomplished singles wrestlers, with Kid Fite currently holding the BCW Heavyweight Title, and Liam Thomson holding the PBW belt. Thomson for me is a marginally better wrestler than Kid Fite, so I'm dying tae see how he fares in this yin. He's had plenty of singles matches in ICW before, but that wis before my time unfortunately, so the only singles match I've seen him in live wis at Kelvin Brawl. Mark has looked so strong lately, wae clean wins over Whippy, Solar and Noam Dar so I cannae see him droppin the belt here. Wid be interesting but, cause I think most folk assume Jester will retain anaw, but Thomson winning this would throw that intae doubt. Is this the show where Fight Club come outta naewhere tae take ownership of aw the belts? we'll see. Fight Club vs The Coffeys at Terminator 2 was one of my favourite tag matches in recent memory, so one thing yer guaranteed here is an entertaining wrasslin match, if yer intae that sorta thing. Still reckon Mark will retain though.

Grado vs Mikey Whiplash

Stories mate. Aw the stories. These two do magical things together in that ring, and their match for the ICW Title at Terminator 2 was a top 5 match for me all time. For the storytelling. It wis their best wrestling match together anaw, but by Christ, the story they told us wis something else and the atmosphere in the place with fuckin electric. Palpable so it wis. Once we got past the opening 5 minutes which was hilarious in its own right, we got a stauner inducing beauty of a match. I might be gibbering on a wee bit here, but I wis captivated by it n im wantin those of you reading this who maybe huvnae seen it tae feel whit I felt. Ye feelin it? its gid eh? aw tingly n that.
Whippy is on a bit of a losing streak at the moment, and I can see it culminating wae Grado beating him here. A crowning moment in Grados ICW career. Either that or Whippy brutalises him 10x mare viciously than yer NAK did, and they hit him wae a motor n aw sorts. Cannae fuckin wait for this but, it wont be the best match of the card in terms of the technical wrestling, but it will be the best match of the night.

Jack Jester vs Kid Fite (ICW Title Match)

Must admit, I wis a wee bit confused at this yin. I reckon its happening tae further solidify Kid Fites heel turn and push him as a singles wrestler, but a title shot right away? I mentioned Thomson being the better wrestler, but Kid Fite is cracking worker anaw, and better at engaging wae the crowd, so of the two him getting a World Title shot makes mare sense. Should be a good match, but I cannae see past Jester retaining. If the match descends intae brutality, it'll be interesting tae see how Kid Fite gets on in that situation, but then again he is fae Maryhill, so it'll no be the first time he's seen a corkscrew used as an eye gouging device. Last show of the year, so we might see a wee melee in here anaw. Cannae see it being yer run of the mill title defence and naebdy winds up wae a burst jaw in the aftermath. We just cannae huv that ataw, jaws need tae be burst. Cannae be an ICW Christmas party on the go n everycunts sittin wae their jaw intact. Its no right.

We've been promised a few surprises at this event tae, so I reckon there's gonnae be at least one more match put on the card. Mibbe Lionheart vs Lightning? I wid fuckin greet aw the tears of joy if that happened. Nae Andy Wild or Noam Dar on the card either, so if they two went at it again, I'd huv masell a right bendy wee stauner for that, and while I know how futile this patter really is, I still cannae help but praying every single night fur a Jackie Polo return. ICW is a caulder, less patter ridden place without him. Also, someone is returning tae the scene of the crime, fuck knows who. Mibbe its William Grange returning tae the scene of his crimes against huvin good teeth? We'll see eh.

So listen, I'm gaun, other cunts are gaun, yer ma's gaun. We're aw gaun up that toon fur the wrestling. I suggest ye add yersell tae the ranks and come along for the besta times. Tickets on the door and available online right up tae show time. In amongst it.

WWE RAW Review 25/11/2013

Usually for reviewin RAW I'll re-watch it and pick it apart in great detail. I feel obliged tae cause the people need detailed RAW reviews meht, they need tae feel like the show's playing out in their heid as they read it. That's when it gid, when yer able tae paint such a vivid picture that folk feel like they were THERE but see this week? I don't want tae paint ye a picture neer I don't. Purely cause im no intae painting pictures of shite. Or slingin shite at a canvas even. Whits my point here? RAW wis fuckin shite, and no even the hauf decent sort of shite that inspires ye tae write hunners of funny shit about it, just plain auld run of the mill faeces. The good shit will get my usual careful dissection, but the huge amounts of pish will get dismissed and have mud slung at it fae a great height, so without further ado, LET THE APATHY COMMENCE.

Orton. Mic in hand. Introduces Triple H n Steph. Cena. Unification match for the two main belts in the company is announced and its announced as a TLC match. It got NAE pop. None ataw. Find me a cunt that isnae totally gripped by a belly churning nausea at the idea of Orton vs Cena, and you'll have found me a cunt that disnae know who either of them are. I love me some Jahn Senah anaw, but this can away n take a running jump. So can Orton tryin tae sound intense on the mic, sounds like yer squeezing oot a wee turtle heid meht, away n lie doon ya waste of spunk.

15 minutes of the show that took. I gied it 6 lines of reviewin. That's aw ye need tae know. Infact its about 4 lines mare than ye needed tae know tae tell the truth.

The Shield vs The Rhodesiez and Rey Misterio

This was one of the 3 or 4 good things WWE managed tae pull oota 3 hours of tv time, so this gets aw the attention it deserves. I might even take this wee match oot for a nice seafood dinner, n some toffee apples it wis that gid. I think this match wid go quite nicely wae a Toffee Apple actually. The Shield have clearly strategized for this match a lot better than last nights fiasco, and they aw rush the ring to start things aff, knocki Cody and Rey aff the apron and battering fuck oota Goldy. They might no need big Roman tae spear hauf the arena this time after all eh. He might just fire in and dae it anyway but, cause he's a shimmering big god of a man that sometimes fancies spearing cunts. They aw take a wee shot of stomping a mudhole in Godys chest, before Dean Ambrose is afforded the opportunity to walk the sumbitch dry. Quick tags fae the hounds of justice, lead tae Ambrose hitting Goldy with a few flaps, followed by a dropkick attempt which the bizarre yin caught, before sending Ambrose flying err the ropes. Rollins is the next dafty tae launch himself at Goldy, and he gets caught wae an atomic drop. Goldust finally looks like he's gonnae be able tae tag in one of his buddies, but nae such luck as big Reigns gets in a launches himself aff the ropes wae a flying clothesline for a sneaky wee cheeky 2 count. Reigns and Ambrose both run at Goldy this time, but these boayz need tae fuckin learn their lesson man. Big yin catches them wae a double DDT n finally makes it tae his corner fur a tag, in comes wee Rey, and he sends Rollins tae the matt wae  wee headscissors takedoon, before hitting a seated senton. Goes for another headscissors but Rollins catches the wee rascal this time, only fur Rey tae hit a headscissors anyway, fuck sake Rey meht, make yer mind up eh, ye wantin tae hit the 619 or no? he goes for it but Rollins follows big Romans lead fae last night and bounces aff the ropes; Rey ducks his clothesline attempt and fires at him wae a crossbody. Cody Rhodes finally gets his smiley wee dial involved and hits a missile dropkick, before getting a wee near fall wae a Sunset Flip. Then another yin after an Alabama Slam. That's big Romans cue tae go spear daft once again, and he duly obliges as he haufed Rey and Goldy in two wae another coupla huge spears. Then he took Goldys bottom hauf and stuck it tae Reys top hauf and had a right gid giggle tae himsell before Cody dropkicked him oot the ring. Cody looks set tae hit Rollins wae the Cross Rhodes fur the win, but Ambrose catches him fae behind and hits yon finisher which is like a Russian Leg Sweep but he lands ye face first instead, I dunno whit its called, naecunts gied it a name yet which only adds tae Ambrose's eeriness, but it gets the job done for win. Some team so they urr.

The Miz is supposed tae be interviewing Michael Strahan, who is our guest host for the evening. This wee segment had it aw in terms of making ye want tae impale yersell on the tusk of a wooly mammoth. Here's whit I gathered fae it in handy wee bullet points for yer reading enjoyment.

• WWE thinks all black people look the same, meaning they could happily send Titus O'Neal oot tae kid on he wis Michael Strahan. Hopefully it leads tae Big E Langston or Mark Henry getting some belts eh? even if they dunno whit wan they're giving the belts tae, it wid still be gid.
• I have nae fuckin clue who or whit a Michael Strahan is, nor will I ever. Even if ye sat me doon and gied me his life story, I wid proudly take none of it in, cause I don't give a fuck.
• The Miz is in the midst (the Mizdst?) of the maist confusing heel/face/heel turn ever, tae the point that if it wis anyone else but him, it wid be one of the bigger talking points in the company but cause its him NAEBDY REALLY GIES A FUCK.
• Not being able tae sell a hiptoss insnae big or clever Michael Strahan....wrap that pish.
• See when ye've nae patter tae hit oot wae, don't jist say the first hings that pop intae yer heid. It makes for messy promo work. I'm no talkin aboot just The Miz when I say that, but aye.....The Miz needs tae stoap that.
• Titus O'Neal is better than this.
• Huvin some cunt naebdy outside of North America kens de-value the business by openly calling it fake is not fuckin clever in any way, shape or form.
• Fuck off.

Ryback and Axel vs Big E Langston and Mark Henry

Jabber entrance for square dids and the charisma vacuum. Gid stuff. Nae Heyman, nae belts, nae momentum. Exactly where you fandans belong. They were gaun up against my favourite tag team of aw the tag teams anaw, fuckin so in case ye hudnae gathered, this wis another part of this weeks RAW that I didnae find repulsive. Far fae it. Look at them! coupla shapely diddied powerhouses wae an appetite for destruction, and a song in their herts. That song is like yon 3 is the Magic Number tune, cept 3 aint enough man, they need 5! (never gets auld)
Match wis pretty gid, they re-hash their Survivor Series singles matches, and big Mark hits a running powerslam and yer Worlds Strongest Slam on Axel for the win. Should gied this a wee bit more time so they shoulda considering the fact that yon assault on the senses fae Miz, Titus n Strahan got aboot hauf an hour (felt at least that long anyroad) but aye. BIG E N MARK HENRY!

7 on 7 elimination divas match (same burds as Survivor Series)

Nah. I cannae dae it. They got away wae it at Survivor Series cause they kept it nice n simple, but this wis a fuckin shambles. Disnae matter how often ye get them tae dae the worm either, The Bellas will always be wee cows. Eva Marie pinned Alicia Foxx im sure anaw, so nah. This could get itsell tae fuck. It gets doon tae Summer Rae vs The Smellas and Eva Marie and efter a brief dance off, Nikki or Brie pinned Summer. Fuckin naw. A total riddy for womens wrasslin so it wis.

Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow (Hamptons Hardcore Match)

If yer wondering what a Hamptons Hardcore Match is, so am I mate. I gathered fae looking at the ring that it involves golf clubs, and Dolph wearing an Ice Hockey jersey, so we'll take that tae be whit it is eh. I cannae gie ye a detailed review of this fur different reasons that the other shite. That other mess just hurt my heid, but this? this hurt my heart so it did. Seeing these two exceedingly talented gid yins on the shelf, only getting screen time tae hit each other wae bins, drums and wicker baskets filled wae bath bombs n fancy haun cream. A fuckin travesty considering how much momentum they should baith huv. They should be fueding for the WH Belt so they should, but naw, we've punted it roon about various diddies for the best part of 3 years tae justify unifying the belts and keeping proper talents like these two working pre-show matches and jobbing tae haddies like Axel. Sandow won wae yon You're Welcome on top of a bin, lets move on afore the wound sustained from this occurring becomes big enough tae sook in all living things which come within 100 feet of it.

Michael Strahan gets gied a sheeps mask aff Rowan. Imagine involving The Wyatts in this guest host pish? get that tae fuck. Then Santino appeared n spoke aboot Turkeys. Awrite Santino?

Rennee Young introduces Bryan and Punk tae us aw, and she's fuckin wringing fae the word go. Especially for Punk, but she definitely got a cheeky wee eye for ma boay DBry anaw. They have a wee chat about their upcoming 3 on 2 handicap match against the Wyatts, and this chat mainly involves Punk asking hunners of Yes or No questions mighty cheekily, and Daniel Bryan of course answering them wae "YES!" after he asks if its "totally weird that they both have their own microphones and Renee isnae asking them any questions?!" tae which DBry of course answers yes, before Punk does his usual and breaks the fuckin mould. He asks "which team name is better the GOATS (Greatest Of All Teams) of The Beard and The Best, tae which DBry complains is "not a Yes or No question" Punk takes that as his cue tae huv a rant aboot how aw these handicap matches are Triple Hs doing cause he's a cretin who wid disintegrate if ye chucked salt oan uhm. He tells us aw that the GOATS are making a habit of overcoming the odds, and they'd take oot anycunt who faced them even if it wis COLT CABANA or MATT CLASSIC, or ehh....Scott Colton or Marty DeRosa. (three of those names are Colt Cabana btw incase ye didnae catch that) Daniel Bryan looks a wee bit confused, I dunno if he knows 3 of they cunts are Colt Cabana n mibbe he wis a wee bit worried Punk wis talking him intae a 4 on 2 match. DBry says Bray isnae gonnae stop till he's ruined DBry and Punk, but they urnae gonnae let that happen, before he asks Punk whit time it is. Ye aw ken whit time it is. I don't need tae even say it dae I?

CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family

Punk literally kicks hings aff wae Rowan, and he kicks him so hard his spleen comes fleein oot his big erse. Daniel Bryan gets in and gets the spleen shaped hole in the cunts chest, before Rowan scuds him wae an elbow tae the chest. Big Harper gets in and gets in amongst it, but Bryan takes him doon wae that braw flying clothesline. Big Harper blocks a snapmare attempt fae Punk, cause he's aboot 6'11 and 300 pun of bearded balding man, if he disnae want snapmared, he disnae get snapmared. Bryan n Harper exchange uppercuts, but Harper wisn never losing that yin and finally we see the leader. Bray gets in n Michael Cole tells us its the first time we've seen him wrestle in months even though he wis I the fuckin main event last week, cause Michael Cole is, and always has been a fuckin nae user.
The boys take a shot each of brutalising wee DBry, afore Punk gets back in tae save the day. Flying knee sends Rowan tumbling oot the ring, lit yer auld da tumbles oot the Countin House efter a night oan the Prosecco, afore Punk hits him wae a Suicide Dive, much like yer auld da gets hit by...lit...motors n that, cause hes aw steamin....aye that analogy kinda fell on its erse eh? moving swiftly on...
Punk hits a swinging neckbreaker, then yer Macho Man elbow, afore calling for the GTS, but he gets too distracted by the beautiful beards hingin aboot on the apron and whilst he admires, big Rowan picks him up and dumps him outside the ring. Harper circles him while mouthing the words "you got a pretty little butt" but we cut tae a break before we can see mad Punk get his baws felt.
Bray gets back in and sticks the nut oan Punk repeatedly, before scoop slamming him wae extra cheese n BBQ sauce oan the side. Rowan bearhugs Punk so hard, his heid popped aff his shooders, ad Bray punted it intae the crowd like he wis fuckin Snitsky or suhin. Punk remarkably manages tae fight oot n kick Rowan in the heid, and Bryan gets tagged back in. He hits Harper wae some jabs after dropkicking Bray aff the apron, before ducking a clothesline fae Harper and hitting Bray was a suicide dive oan the other side of the ring. Baw tickling gidness. Bryan goes up top n missile dropkicks Harpers spleen clean oot his erse, leaving the Wyats wae one spleen between the three of them. He then goes for yon kicks, and once again Harper catches him before the big roundhouse tae finish, but his powerbomb attempt is thwarted by a beautiful wee hurricanrana. Bryan goes for yer Yes! Lock right after, but its broke up by Rowan and Bray. The three big beardy brutes then proceed tae knock the living shite oota both our mainest boayzies, before they carry Bryan through tae the back tae likely stick hunners of improperly lubricated digits up his erse.

Punk dives oot the ring tae go after them and help his wee pal but then SPEAR!!!!!!!!
The main of the moment Roman Reigns literally comes fae fuckin naewhere. As in he wisnae on screen ataw, then he had speared a cunt. Unreal meht. He's been spear daft recently as ye ken, but this one wis the best yet. A stoater. Ambrose and Rollins then appear fae seemingly naewhere and the three of them drag Punk intae the ring for the Triple Powerbomb. Whit a smashin angle this is, I'd go as far tae say that its the only thing making RAW essential viewing the noo considering how insignificant the main belts are just noo. Wae The Shield teasing a face turn every noo n that, and aw the braw violence and beards. Beautiful stuff. Imagine we didnae huv this or Big Es tits? ye'd stert readin books on Monday nights, or playing Kerplunk wae yer wee brerr or suhin.

That's where it shoulda ended folks. If it ended there I'd have given this shit a right solid 6.5 oota 10. No the besta RAWs, but enough brawness tae keep ye fae causing yersell major harm. It didnae end there though, the last hour happened, and we're aw a tiny wee bit stupider for having witnessed it.

The Miz vs Kofi Kingston

LOUD NOISES! whit in the name of fuck is The Miz noo? he's offering tae shake folks hauns after matches when hes just turned heel again? apparantely he husnae but, hes a face wae a wee edgy side. The only edgy side I'd show this cunt is the the edge of ma elbow headin fur his fuckin throat. Their match last night wis apparantely gid, and from what I remember of this sequel it wisnae bad either, but I've seen it umpteen times afore and re-watching it wis by numer Umpteen n One, so it can get tae fuck. Kofi gets a two count fae a crossbody, and Miz kinda folded him err for a quick three count oota naewhere. Kofis lit that "ye whit?" n the ref went "3 count meht"

Wade Barrett was asked what he made of that match in a backstage interview, and he responded with "Great question. Good match" Eloquent as ever Wade ma man.

Xavier Woods vs Heath Slater

As happy as I am tae see mad Consequences Creed oan RAW, why the fuck does he keep comin oot tae other cunts music and wae other cunts burds? this time he comes oot tae Tonnes Of Funks music and wae a Funkadactyl for each airm. He's in there wae Heath Slater and as much as I didnae find this offensive tae aw the senses, I didnae find it interesting enough tae watch it again, so I'll tell ye how it finished and we'll move oan eh. Woods hits a braw sommersaultin clothesline, afore nailing Heath wae Lost In The Woods fur the win. Mad Xavier Woods, a very entertaining fella, hopefully they gie him his ain music n aw that stuff, so he can be a real boay.

Michael Strahan signing autographs for various divas. I still don't know who you urr mate.

John Cena and The Big Show vs Bert "Naebelts" Del Rio and Randy "Nae-eyes" Orton

Its bad news when yer main event involves both World Champions, and the best wrestler involved is Berty Naebelts. I'm no even gonnae try n watch this again man. Last night I resorted tae lookin up the stats for the Sellik game last weekend such wis my boredom as this tedious pile of boaby. Of course Cena and Show won. Cena husnae even came within sniffing distance of a loss since he came back. I huv tae hope that this pish is trying tae buid fan apathy, so Cenas eventual heel turn is that much mare effective, but I jist hink its a return tae the booking of old, and its turning me sour tae Cena, a guy who I'd built up a healthy admiration for other past few months. Still admire the cunt like, but if they keep slingin belts at uhm, I'm gonnae switch aff mentally and build a an even healthier amount of disdain for the cunt again. Poor Berty is the best cunt in the match by a mile, but gets forced tae tap oot via yon horrendous STF Cena subjects us tae. Bert attacks Cena afterwards, and Orton hits him wae the WWE Belt, then stauns over him hositing baith belts in the air. End of fuckin story. Pish.

If I says RAW wdda got 6.5 oota 10 if it stopped efter that gorgeous segment involving The Beard, The Best, The Shield and The Wyatts, it crashes tae a 3.5 bronco busters oota 10 efter the plethora of shite we had tae endure in the last hour. RAW is in a funk right now, n that's cause the face of the company is 2 parts bronzer and 3 parts pure slime. Fuck Randy Orton.

Daniel Bryan reacts tae this shanner of a RAW finally coming tae an end....

WWE Survivor Series 2013 Review

The show starts wae Triple H n Steph introducing us tae the evenings festivities as if they're faces n that. I'm already confused and we've no even got warmed up yet. Mind when PPVs used tae invariably start with a D'Lo Brown match? I miss they days, I mean they didnae really exist, but in my heid they did. Every PPV is D'Lo swaggerin oot wae the chest protector, and the European Title gien it big licks.

So I wisnae very excited about Survivor Series, and I mask this terribly by rantin away aboot D'Lo Brown. Could ye tell?

Wrasslin.

The Usos, The Rhodesiez and Rey vs The Shield and The Real Americans (Traditional Survivor Series 5 on 5 Elimination Match)

Roman Reigns has arrived folks. When The Shield first started a year ago, you had 3 raw talents that all needed nurturing in some way. Dean Ambrose wis almost the finished article, but just needed a wee something tae help him connect wae the mainstream audience. Aw it took for him tae achieve that is a cheeky wee earring and hunners of braw facial expressions. Rollins had aw ye could ask for in the ring, but his mic skills were utter baws. Still urnae great, but they are vastly improved and he just gets better and better in the ring, so he's sorted but big Roman? ooft. Rough so he wis. No particularly charismatic in any way, totally widden on the mic, and for me awfy laboured in the ring. Not terrible for a man his size, but no good either. So for him to go from the afterthought of the 3 shield members, to this fuckin jaw dropping display of innovation, power and huvin really fierce hair wis impressive. Yer man has it aw. A legit main event star. Aw the spears anaw mate. Naebdy in wrasslin slings a better spear than Big Roman these days, and if yer no an agreement wae that, ye can never stop playing finger tennis wae maw baws.
So aye....a match n that eh? Dean Ambrose is oot first sadly, after a lovely wee exchange wae Rhodes, he gets cocky and starts giving the wee ref some aggro, and whilst hes daein aw the flap yappin and finger wagging, Cody rolls him up. Irked at his ain daftness, Deano scuds Goldust on the road oot, and receives an uppercut for his troubles, before the other 4 members of his team wind up on the outside of the ring at opposite sides, and each of the Usos huv a wee shot at diving on top of the. Jimmy hits Reigns and Rollins, and Jey hits the Real Americans, or vice versa, I jist guessed there so I did. Cannae tell ye a lie.
Deadlift gutwrench suplex fae Cesaro on Goldust which should really gie ye the pointiest of stauners. Goldy responds by elbowing all of Tonys teammates aff the apron, then hitting a braw Sunset Flip type thing, before tagging in Rey, and gie the wee man his due, he looks sherp son. Sherp as the sharpest of tacks, aw that patter about him limping after RAW can dae the bolt. Hits a hurricanrana on Swagger, followed by the 619, then the Usos tag thersells in and hit a superkick/big splash combo tae eliminate Swagger. 5 on 3 sir. Wid 3 be enough? or would 5 be better? BIG E JOKES NEVER GET OLD.
Jimmy or Jey receives some Cesaro spins for their cheekiness, and like is often the case wae brerrs, we got some heavy jealously so we did. Cesaro had the antidote for the other Usos petted lip but, as he got some spins anaw. A wee mid air uppercut for his troubles tae but just as the Swiss work of art looked like he wis getting his team back in it, Cody catches a sneaky pin and Cesaro is outta there! 5 on 2, that's game over ye'd think eh?
No the night its no. This is big Romans arrival. Roman Reigns Supreme. Rollins and Reigns remind us aw why they were such a success as tag champs when they get some Usos isolated. Reigns gets intae some serious ruckus wae his wee cousins, and eliminated Jimmy or Jey wae the first of a dazzling array of spears that wid hauf ye in 2. 4 against 2 noo. Cody and Rollins get intae some lovely stuff, potentially a braw wee singles feud in the making between these two, and after a wee battle of wills, Cody hits Cross Rhodes on Rollins, but he didnae notice big Reigns had tagged himself in, and yer man propels himsell af the ropes at an unbelievable speed tae hit my favourite spear of the night on Cody and all of a sudden we've got us a match! Doon tae wan Uso, Rey and Goldy vs Roman the conqueror and Silky Seth.
Rollins gets rid of the remaining Uso and we're down tae just the savvy veterans left. Rollins dropkicks Gody aff the apron, and goes for the electric chair on Rey, but Rey reverses and paps Rollins oot wae a rollup. A valiant effort fae the boayz, but theres nae way in a month of fuckin Tuesdays tat big ROman can oust aw this experience. He;s too green so he isn, miss me wae that patter! Only hing green aboot the place after this, wis aw the people envying ROmans supreme skills.
We get tae some Goldy and Roman finally, and this is whit we aw want tae see. For two guys who are a generation apart, they have always had braw chmesitry. Goldy hits yon reverse crossbody, before they run the ropes, only for Reigns to fuckin explode intae another spear and pap out poor Dustin. Rey jumps on him right away and sets him up for the 619, but as he bounces aff the ropes lookin tae complete it, Reigns does what fuckin everycunt who has ever been set up on the middle rope for the 619 should have, and just got fuckin up, spears Rey clean oot his Size 4s and seals the win for his team.

Four spears and a main event push in the making. No a bad haul for big Roman eh? He climbs the ropes in celebration and gets a well deserved pop before he stares at Rey seductively while the wee guy sells the shite oota the spear he wis jist killed by. Lovely stuff all round, a daft way tae kick things off cause as much as I wis pleasantly surprised by everything bar the main event, none of it lived up tae this eye watering gidness.

Orton whinging tae The Authority backstage. I drew a face on some spare knee skin and made it talk tae me instead of paying attention. We conversed about how effective the abdominal stretch might be as a finisher, and we baith decided it wid be a total shanner, even if applied in a particularly sare fashion.

Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel (Intercontinental Title Match)

This wis a pleasant wee surprise. We aw love a Big E sighting, but despite Axes in ring proficiency I didnae haud out much hope of this being interesting ataw, but It was actually a wee stoater of a match. Lovely pace tae it. The Big yin gets his usual quick tempo'd raw power stuff in early, which included jist tossing Axel about 20 feet in the air at one point. Some clotheslines were followed by Axel shoulder barging Big E aff the apron, and all of a sudden Perfect illegitimate pubey bearded boy has the upper hand. Makes the mistake of locking in a chinlock but, and when yer daein that, ye might aswell just ask Big E tae lift ye clean aff the mat. He obliged, before hitting some merr clotheslines wae extra torque, then the belly tae belly before the straps came doon for the Big Ending. Axel had another wee shot at shitting on his auld da's legacy fae a great height when he hit the Perfect Plex outta naewhere for a 2 count. Has he ever pinned anycunt using it? I hink he mibbe got Sin Cara once but that's aboot it, and Sin Cara wis probably booked tae win that match but forgot tae lift his shoulder. After a short back n forth following the Imperfect Plex, Big E leathers yer man wae that Big Ending ye keep hearing yer pals chattin aboot, and that wis it. The Big yin doing the belt proud by bringing the best outta his challengers, and there wis me thinking I couldnae possibly love him any more. Yer a big beautiful diddied wonder of a man so ye urr.

AJ jaw jackin wae some divas. Her partners for the night. Tellin them they should go out there n steal the show tae make up for no being on Total Divas. Anyone other than AJ delivering the words, n this might have been justification to shut it whole hing down, but naw. She actually makes ye take interest. Keep that belt on her forever please. Well swap it between her n Natty, and toss the rest of these burds no named Tamina or Summer Rae intae a widchipper.

Team Total Divas (Natty, The Smellas, The Funkadactys and a coupla slack jawed hookers) vs Other Lassies (AJ, Tamina, Aksana, Alicia Foxx, Kaitlyn, Summer Rae and Rosa Mendes)

Well this was another pleasant wee shock. It wis never gonnae be braw, but naebdy was in the match for long enough for the full extent of their shitness tae resonate. Well apart fae Eva Marie, but she got knocked intae another stratosphere by Kaitlyn. Rosa Mendes pinned Cameron anaw, nice tae see she's alive and pinning folk for sport. Kaitlyn paps Naomi oot anaw, leaving the Smellas, Natty and Jojo against Kaitlyn, AJ, Tamina and Aksana.
Brie Smella paps Kaitlyn oot, but nice tae see ye Kaitlyn hen, lookin braw as ever and strong wrasslin wise, gid on ye. Aksana got the biggest surprise pin of the match when she papped Brie oot, but Nikki got some quick revenge on by pinning Aksana right efter. Tamina finally gets in and flings Nikki aboot like a burst mattress. Oooft Tamina ma luv, whit ye like? I want her tae make me bleed in a really special n nice way. Then we finally see the debut of JoJo! one of the slack jawed hookers mentioned at the start. Tamina looks tae make short work of the lassie, cause she could fit in yer pocket so she could, but she nearly gets caught wae the rollup. Tamina eventually lays her flat oot n tags AJ in for the pin. AJ looks right smug aboot it tae, tags Tamina straight back in tae face Natty, who's the last wuman standing for the Total Divas burds. Whit a wuman she is anaw. Offt. Takes both Tamina and AJ oot wae the most erotic pair of sharpshooters I've seen since both Owen and Bret done them on each other at WM10. I mean whit? I dunno. It wis rerr, and made me sweat fae my eyes, pits and baws. Aw the gid sweat spots.

Ryback vs Mark Henry

Ryback issues an open challenge. This wis a mistake. A huge yin. Ye cannae just issue open challenges when boyazies like Sheamus and Mark Henry are rumoured tae be wandering about the back. One of they cunts is gonnae answer yer challenge and scud yer daft napper fur ye. Ryback did get some offense in here like, don't get me wrang, but im reviewing none of it cause it could bolt. Aw I seen wis my man Mark flinging this diddy aboot wae reckless abandon. Ryback has the straps doon, so ye assume he's gaun for that finisher he does where the shells get a fright, but instead Mark Henry jumps oot the corner wae a fuckin CROSSBODY. Ye whit? Yer Mark Henry mate, ye were already the scariest bastard oot, and noo yer hittin crossbodies? pit aw the belts on this man immediately, or at least a few of them. Hit the Worlds Strongest Slam tae seal the deal soon after and that wis aw she wrote. I'll gie Ryback his due btw, its the best he's looked in months but mibbe im jist giddy cause MARK HENRYS BACK AND HE DONE A FUCKIN CROSSBODY. Sorry troops, I love Mark Henry an unreasonable amount, so this wis the besta surprises. I had the chebs oot n wis offerin free motorboats tae anycunt who wanted wan.

John Cena vs Berty Naebelts (WH Title Match)

Another match I couldnae be fucked wae in the slightest, despite being the biggest Cena mark in this realm. I jest, but I dae like me some Cena, n this match felt like a pointless exercise tae me. Essentially it wis, cause there wis nae way Bert Beltless wis coming near that strap, but they at least served up an entertaining wee romp for us tae enjoy, before the inevitable occurred.
The boayzies huv a wee feeling out process early doors, and Berty comes out on top wae a lovely high hoptoss followed by a sideheadlock takedoon. Bert focused much of his attack on Cenas gommy airm, but we've aw this patter before aff yer Belt. What have you done for me lately Berty?
Del Rio hits some double sledges aff the top rope, and generally looked like the man in charge. This might be the first time I've ever seen someone dominate Cena in the middle part of a match, afore Cena rallies and eventually comes out on top. I mean have ye seen the like of that yersells? its outlandish meht.
Bert gies it some heavy playful "you cant see me" patter. Mad parodying bastard so he is, see if ye keep him away fae a mic, he'd be a crackin heel. If ever a cunt needed Paul Heyman, its Del Rio. Could be the top heel in the company wae a cunt like Heyman daein aw his mic work.
Cena finally hits hits stride, wae a pair of lovely shoulderblocks, but when he went for the backdrop Del Rio slipped oot it and hit a picture perfect backstabber. Cena is dazed, but his powers of recovery are not that of a normal man, he is a superhuman hero and if I ever met him I'd stick a syringe in his right erse cheek and sook oot a tiny wee bitta the goodness. I mean whit? he hits a dropkick on Bert. Then he goes for yon 5 knuckle shuffle, only for Bert tae catch him wae a kick tae the melt, and then a lovely Spike DDT. Bert wis outdoing himself here so he wis. Much like Sandow a few weeks prior when he cashed in on Cena to no avail. Cena tries tae put Del Rio away wae the AA, but another stoater of a reversal fae Bert led tae a German Suplex intae a pin, but Cena got the shoulder up cause unless its Daniel Bryans knee, or a bus, nuhins keepin Cena doon for a clean 3 count.
ADR hits a braw enziguri which gets the nearest of his near falls yet, but we aw kent. The game wis soon tae be up for Bert.
He signals that its crossarmbreaker time and despite being in (well near) Cenas hometown, the Si! chants are fuckin loud, his first attempt at it is reversed intae that shanner of an STF, but soon after he gets it locked in properly and if ye were seeing wrasslin for the first time ye might hink he wis gonnae tap. Has he ever tapped tae anything but? cept tappin the asses of various pornstars whilst married! hahahahaha oh I am just too much.
Yer usual wee exchange of both of them teasing their finishers ensued, before Cena hits the AA tae retain. Considering that I couldnae have gied anything that even looked like a fuck about this, it wis actually a fuckin cracker of a match. Cena has never been better wrasslin wise if ye ask me.


Luke Harper and Erick Rowan vs Daniel Bryan and CM Punk

Nae idea what Brays injury status is, but ye have tae assume this wis supposed to be some sort of traditional Survivor Series caper. Still though, fuckin belter of a match. No really needin a long drawn out intro is it? ye ken whit yer in for, but this sentence here kinda makes the intro longer and more drawn out, defeating the purpose for it entirely. Fuckin cannae get the staff these days neither ye cannae, Big Rowan starts oot wae Bryan and lets us know right away, hes game as fuck. He came tae fight. Slaps wee Dannys chest rid raw. Punk gets in, and tries tae sweep big Rowans legm but gets leathered on the back for his troubles. Well done tae ye Rowan san, ye done no bad tae start us off, but it wis about time we seen us some Luke Harper. Punk hits yon top rope reverse crossbody that Goldy uses aw the time, wee bit of a tribute there Punk san? och im sure he uses it a lot himself, but I'd like tae think it wis a wee nod at Goldy aw the same. Punk Tags Bryan in and they try a double suplex on Rowan, but the big yon blocks it an only goes n suplexes the two of them! See this is whit we needed fae Rowan here, the weakest wrassler in the match by mile, but he is fuckin huge and we needed tae see whit he was capable of in that sense. Yer man delivered. Then Micheal Cole wis the responsible for the cringiest bit of commentary in the history of cunts commenting on things when he reminded us of shite patter, but no just any shite patter...HIS AIN shite patter. He once said Rowan is like Micheal Myers, cause of the mask and the SHUT THE FUCK UP YA BELLEND, THATS THE WORST PATTER OOT, TAKE THAT SHITE UP THE ROAD.
Anyway aye.....wrasslin match. Drop toehold fae Bryan on Rowan is followed by a million n one kicks. Hunners of cohesive tag action fae the beard and the best, these boayzies are natural together so they are. Lit Torvill n Dean but a lot fuckin sexier. Double dropkick fae the boayzies, is followed by the Hart Attack, but it disnae get the job done quite yet. Rowan gets back in there wae Punk, and tries tae twist his wee heid aff his shoulders. Mind heids are attached by a few strategically placed screws anaw but, so ye really needin yer lecky screwgun Rowan meht. Harper gets in and does yon gator roll, which is essentially a move designed tae nauseate everyone who sees it. Follows that up wae a Michinoku driver, and the Wyatt boayzies all of a sudden had aw the initiative. No for long though, as Daniel Bryan finally gets the chance tae kick intae high gear; ach yees no the drill by noo eh? kicks to Harpers legs, followed by yer running clothesline, then a wee lift over the ropes s backed up wae a beezer of a suicide dive. Then the best hing in the history of gid things happened, as Bryan goes for yon kicks to the chest, followed by the big roundhouse, Harper ducks the roundhouse and takes Bryan up for the powebomb only for Dbry tae reverse it intae the Hurricanrana. That takes Harper in tae the corner, where Bryan sets him up for the same move aff the top rope only for Harper tae block it and hit a fuckin TOP ROPE POWERBOMB. Harper might be the maist dynamic wrestler of that size in this era. Cunts fulla surprises. Punk saves the match before big Rowan literally picked the cunt up n tossed him tae the outside. Bryans in there on his own at this stage and the big bruisers fling him fae pillar tae post in the sarest way possible. A wee hauf nelson throw fae Harper anaw, cause hes Dean Malenko or suhin, before this deliciously braw wee battle finally comes tae its dramatic end. Punk thwarts Harpers attempts tae knock him aff the apron, before finally getting tagged back in and gaun heavy daft wae aw that wrasslin. High knee is followed by Punk going up top and taking oot Rowan and Bray on the outside. Punk gets back in the ring and efter a beautifully swinging neckbreaker, he lands the flying elbow right tae tae Harpers hert. Bryan sneaks in and hits the flying knee on Rowan, and Punk hits the GTS on Harper tae seal it. Games a bogey, but whit a beautifully deadly game it wis.

Bray is incensed at  the inability of his main baoyzies tae get the job done, so naturally he batters fuck ootae a barricade before taking the Hawaiian Shirt and hat off a teasing us aw by looking like he wis gonnae climb in fur a scrap. He jumps on the apron and the Beard and the Best tell him tae come ahead. Bray decides tae deal wae these suckas another day. Hopefully that day is soon and hopefully its awfa braw. The brawest.


Randy Orton vs Big Show (WWE Title Match...naw really, it wis)

Get tae fuck. Seriously. I wish I had a more eloquent way to sum up how I felt about this happening. The match itself actually exceeded my expectations in the sense that I didnae find myself running intae traffic as soon as it started, but it wis still a pile of baws. Futile baws. Useless baws. A rivalry that shouldnae have had any manner of belt anywhere near it.
It started wae Show jabbin and slappin Orton daft. Other stuff happened. Orton catches an elbow to the left diddy. Mare slaps. Main eventing a fuckin marquee PPV so it wis. Big Show is only about 10 years removed fae his prime and has spent the majority of the last 3 or 4 months greetin at fuck all., so of course this makes hunners of sense. I sound a bit jaded eh? this is where my limited supply of fucks for distribution officially ran oot I think. I couldnae give anything resembling a fuck. Orton locks in a sleeper, and cunts start chanting "boring" cause in case yer intuition hadn't filled in the blanks fur ye, this wis fuckin boring. Orton tries yon DDT, with Shows feet propped on the top rope, but his feet slip doon completely and Orton just DDTd him anyway. This is followed by some other shite, and a chokeslam fae Show which Orton kicked out of. Champ lookin strong there amiright? or he wid be if ANYONE GIED A FUCK. The fight goes tae the outside, where Orton is send flying err a barricade, then chopped a wee bit. Thrill ride so it wis. Orton tries tae set Show up on the barricade for the DDT, but Show shoves him aff and knocks him oot wae that big ham fist. Dragging him back in tae finish the job, when Trips music plays, him, his orange tinted ride of a wife, and bawless Kane appear, Show gets distracted. Orton RKO'd show, then punted his napper for the win. THE PUNT HAS RETURNED YA'LL naebdy cares meht. Naebdy will ever care.

Cena comes oot and they have a showdown whilst they both hoist their belts in the air. Orton v Cena tae unify the titles aye? Good. Lets have them feud again and we'll never huv tae stay up tae 4am for a PPV again. The real main event will be located at a more convenient time in the card for those of us wae work/school/hooring it tae be on time for the next morning. Nae offence tae Jahn Seenah like, I louv uhm hunners but ye couldnae pay me tae gie a fuck about that. If its the main event at WM 30 I will dae some experimenting wae various pills in the hope that some concoction leads my eyes bursting intae flames.

Overall yer Survivor Series wis much better than I expected, so for the brawness of the 5 on 5 match, and the Wyatts vs Beardy Besties match, combined wae some surprising Mark Henry action makes this a soid B+ despite the fuckin awful irrelvance that wis the 'main event' . 7 codebreakers oota 10 ma man. That'll dae yees eh, there's been a lot of readin in this as it is, you away n gie yer eyes a rest. x

WWE Survivor Series 2013 Preview

Survivor Series wis my favourite when I wis wee. Cause ye like hings tae be different when yer wee eh? Nothing else in the wrasslin wis even kinda like it. Hunners ah pinfalls but the match keeps gaun, jist wan of the boayzies hus tae take an early bath. I could feel a wee bit of my childhood dying every year when they started having less of yer traditional elimination matches, and eventually they were phased oot completely almost. Dunno if theres ever been a year without even one, but usually one is aw yer getting. One aint enough man, I need at least 3. This year theres 2 if ye count whit is sure tae be a messy as fuck effort wae aw the Divas. Aside fae that, yer 5 on 5 match and the Wyatts vs The Beardy Besties is the only shit I could care less aboot. I'll enjoy the Big E sighting anaw im sure, but that match is a fuckin RAW match so it is. WHERE'S ZIGGLER?

Aye....erra show tae preview, so I'll dae that noo.

The Miz vs Kofi Kingston (Pre-Show)

The Miz will win tae cement this heel turn he's just had, and naecunt will care. The watch will be similar to the 1000 other yins they've worked against each other on RAW and Smackdown over the years, and did I mention naecunt caring? aye gid.

Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel (IC Title Match)

So Curty WeeSacksel finally came up aff that belt eh? if he takes it back here, I'm smashin a beer bottle err my heid and eatin the remains. Bolt wae that patter. Fully expect it tae be 5 minutes of Big E knockin some charisma intae this cunt before hitting yon Big Ending n that'll be that. The Big E-ra (see whit it did err? aye...ye did, yer a smart kid) is only jist beginning.

7 on 7 traditional Survivor Series Match involving hunners of yer divas

Fuckin 7 on 7, so the whole match will be eliminations cause theres nae way its getting longer than 10 minutes. Shameless Total Divas promotion so it is, cause one of the teams is aw Total Divas burdz, n the other is jist yer normal everyday roasters.

Rhodes Brerrs, Uso Brerrs and Rey Mysterio Jr vs The Shield and The Real Americans (Traditional Survivor Series Match)

I'd have preferred it tae be 8 on 8, wae Rey in The Wyatts vs Punk/Bryan match, and Ambrose defending the US Belt elsewhere on the card, but this still has MOTN written aw err it for me. If Bray wis involved in the Wyatts match then it wid be that, but for me this yins got aw the ingredients tae be a stoater. I expect tae see a whole manner of mental spots, and some braw wrasslin fae these boayz. Lookin forward tae seeing wee Rey return to the PPV scene anaw, he's never been a favourite of mine, but he's always done things I'm intae wrasslin wise. I could see him or Goldy being the last man standing here, and then we aw jist bump wullies tae celebrate n that's that.

John Cena vs Berty Beltless (WH Title Match)

Why in the name of Christ is Sandow no in this match? Fuckin Cena n Bert again, take this so far tae fuck, then when ye get as far tae fuck as ye can, dig a big hole and chuck everycunt in it. Even Cena, n im Cena daft, but surely he has enough influence on booking tae go "here lads, wantae throw big Sandow in the mix here so he's actually got a shift and cunts care aboot the match?" but nut. Jist these two. I mean don't get iz wrang, they worked their best match against each other yet when Cena took the belt aff him (rendering him completely Beltless) but still, nae excuse no tae huv big Damo in err.

CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs Luke Harper and Erick Rowan

I dunno whit the score is wae Bray. He hardly had any wrasslin time in yon 12 man tag on RAW last week anaw, so there's mibbe a wee injury there. Very odd that he isnae involved in this match (in a wrasslin sense anyway) but I'm looking forward tae it anyway, The Beard n The Best have been workin together well since they were forced together tae fight a common enemy and baith of them have worked some unbelievably gid matches wae. Luke Harper. As always wae the Wyatts boayzies, Rowans the wildcard. Sometimes the cunt looks and moves lit his body's encased in a thin layer of concrete, and other times he looks lit one of the best brawlers in the company. So we'll see, match will be gid regardless but its potential for MOTN status hinges on if the big yin can step up tae the level of the other 3 boayzies in the match.

Randy Orton vs The Big Show (WWE Title Match)

Perhaps the least relevant WWE Title match at a marquee PPV since the dawn of wrasslin time. A total fuckin pointless pile of shite. I've pit earphones in for the last 2 promo sessions these two numpties have had cause this feud shouldnae huv any belts anywhere near it. Nae belts. No even the Cruiserweight Belt. Not a belt. Get it tae fuck. My prediction fur this is that I don't care aboot any moment of it, and Orton wins cause Orton always wins. Cept when he loses.

Two matches I'm lookin furrit tae. Three at a push purely for Big Es involvement. Nae Ziggler, Nae Sandow, nae fun. Survivor Series will have been a success if the rest of the card is gid, and Show v Orton is on last so I can get tae my bed nice n early. Uni in the morning n aw that.

Don't watch Survivor Series in the presence of sharp hings cause safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

TNA Impact - Turning Point Review 23/11/2013

Bobby Roode is an exceptionally talented man. His ability to turn my rampant cynicism into sunshine and rainbows is surpassed by maybe Daniel Bryan and CM Punk only in the current wrestling world. Those are three guys who can take even the most ridiculous idea and make it something special. Roode managed to do that in the short promo which opened Turning Point, where he's seen going into a bar the night previously and attacking James Storm. When Mike Tenay announced that this had happened and we'd get to see exclusive footage from it (all captured by TNA 365, where the action never stops being incredibly confusing) I was dreading what I assumed would be a sloppy pile of nonsense, but Roode somehow makes it work. Breaking a pool cue over Storms back, using his own catchphrase on Storm after pouring beer on him (well he actually said Soory aboot your damn luck, because he's Canadian and they talk funny) assuring him that they'd pick this up the following night at Turning Point.

So Turning Point eh? a free ppv, or whatever you call these things. Its really just Impact but with a set card and less 15 minute periods of aimless promos.

Samoa Joe and Dixie Carter talking backstage. Dixie tells him hes lucky to be there, and he needs to stop thinking about having a match with AJ Styles or shes's going to stick wheels on his belly and roll him off the end of the earth. I don't know, I stopped listening. Then she approaches the ring, and no one cared ever. Sports Illustrated have an article out about her btw. Who cares. Some talk about AJ. She cant believe AJ didn't want to jump on Dixie. Awful. James Storm comes out and cutss a cliché promo about how ol cowboy James Storm cant even enjoy a couple of cold ones without being attacked. I stopped listening fairly early here because NONE OF THIS MATTERS, LETS START THE WRESTLING PLEASE!?! CAN WE? Dixie doesn't like his tone. Please make it stop.

Samoa Joe vs Magnus (Falls Count Anywhere)

From the ridiculous to the sublime, as that entirely pointless promo from Dixie and Storm is followed by Samoa Joe kicking off this match by staring intensely into the camera backstage and telling us all he was there for a "scrap" and if Magnus wanted a piece of the big man, he'd have to come and find him. We come from a break to see Joe chopping that monochrome chest of Magnus's into oblivion. They appear on the stage fairly quickly and exchange jabs and chops at the side of the ring, before winding up in the ring within 2 minutes, which for me kinda defeated the purpose of starting the match backstage, but there we go. Magnus connects with a big boot, before coming off the top rope only to be caught in an atomic drop by Joe. Joe hits a beautiful powerslam, and the 'JOE!' chants ring out. Everyone loves Samoa Joe. I once exchanged Tribe Called Quest lyrics with the man on twitter, so he and I are pretty much best pals. A brief stramash on the top rope ensues, with Joe blocking a flying elbow attempt, and Magnus blocking Joes superplex attempt, but Magnus finally gets the better of it and hits the flying elbow at the second attempt. Big suicide dive from Joe on the outside gets a 2 count. Magnus pulls a chair out and kinda stares at it for a while, seemingly confused as to what its purpose is, he finally decides to wedge it awkwardly between the middle and top turnbuckle facing the outside, and after a brief bit of choke hold action from Joe, Magnus ends up propped against the aforementioned chair and when Joe charged at him, Magnus cunningly moved and Joe went head first into the chair. Genuinely a wee bit surprised Magnus was capable of the spontaneity of thought which is required for such a smooth manoeuvre, but he went and did it. Maybe Joe called the spot in great detail while whispering sweet nothings about how terrible his promos are in Magnus' ear, and eh....that was enough for the pin. Seriously. Joe crashed into a chair head first and that led to the pin. I just.....what? A bonafide machine like Joe bested by running into a chair? awful. Worse than Angle knocking himself out with his own moves. God almighty TNA, why do you do this to me?

Bad Influence are exactly what everyone needed at this point, beautiful pair of hilarious bastards they are. Looking smart casual and suave as ever boys. Kazarian calls Joseph Park a 'chubby piece of wiener cheese' and I just cried my eyes out with laughter. Unbelievable patter. Jospeh Park emerges and tells them to shut up. Park is out for his match with his brother Abyss, who we all know is the same person, so lets see how this pans out eh......

Abyss' music plays but the big man doesn't emerge, because hes already in the ring. Daniels asks where he is? these people came to be entertained, so he better do a truffle shuffle or something. Daniels says Park isn't a man, he's a human waterbed. He's a bag of Mayonnaise in a tracksuit. They're tearing the poor man a new one. They're looking to set off an Abyss attack, which is usually prompted by Park seeing himself bleed, so Kaz dumps a bucket of  raspberry syrup on his napper (that's Scottish for head btw) but no Abyss attack occurs. He struts up the ramp crying. Cant believe Bad Influence were involved in a segment which I managed to hate. Difficult to watch.

Gail Kim vs Candice Larea

So....this is an open challenge from Gail every week? Right.....ok. Missile dropkick from Gail is followed by a beautiful hurricanrana from Candice. So far so good. A forearm exchange follows that, and Gail hits eat defeat for the win. As 2 minute matches go, this was actually pretty good. Should have been given more time.

James Storm vs Bobby Roode (Florida Deathmatch)

These two were responsible for one of my all time favourite hardcore matches at Bound For Glory last year, so this was always going to be good. Two guys committed to storytelling in the ring above all else and both talented wrestlers. Storm comes out first, and gets a Singapore Cane in hand ready for Roode making his entrance. Roode barely gets two steps up the ramp before taking a cane to the belly.
Storm clearly still feeling annoyed at having a pool cue smashed across his back. Storm punches Roode a lot, which is a shame because I remember a time when they were closer than close. Compadres. Brothers. Roode gives him some jabs back and Storm is already busted open. Roode attempts to whip him into the steel steps but Storm reverses and sends Roode flying. Roode gets the better of things back in the ring, as he smashes baking tray over Storms dome, before choking him with a crutch briefly. Storm rallies, and sets up a trash can square on Roodes nuts. Singapore cane sends the trash can towards the crown jewels, Bobby Roode is now cross eyed. Storm goes for the eye of the storm on the trashcan, but Roode blocks it, and hits a sickening spinebuster on the trash can. So far this was nowhere near as good as the hardcore matches they'd had in the past, but it finally hit its storytelling stride when the former beer money brothers exchanged skull shattering shots with a trash can lids. Storm hits the superkick soon after and looked well in control of this battle, but Roode somehow reagthered his energies and knocks Storm clean out with a beer bottle once again. Storm looks like hes down for the TKO, but the cowboy drags himself up off the mat at a count of 9. Roode sets up 2 chairs and send Storm crashing through them, that has to be it surely? Nope. Much like some of the more battle hardened alcoholics Ive encountered in my life, they sometimes just don't know when to quit. Roode decides the only thing that'll get the job done is a deathtrap masquerading a plywood board covered in barbed wire, but just as we're getting to the delicious good stuff, Gunner comes down and spoils the fun by throwing in the towel. The cowboy taps out. If anyone needed any more reasons to hate Gunner, heres a fresh one. Storm isn't a happy bunny either, and I can see him turning on Gunner, but unfortunately for us all it doesent happen.

Someone called Samuel Shaw having a date with Christy Hemme. I thought this was the start of a low budget porno and immediately removed everything I had on from the waist down...kimono, denim shorts, tights. It all came off, but she leaves him her number and leaves fully clothed. Just one of the many let downs that occurred from this show.

EC3 vs Shark Boy

GIMME A SHELL YEAH! This is the stuff we need. Finally I get to review an EC3 match after a self imposed hiatus for the sake of my sanity. Nice to see the Sharkster. Sharky goes with the tried and tested spot with the jabs on the top rope, but EC3 puts Shark Boy away with the one percenter. Another squash, but at least it was a squash against someone I cared about so that's improvement. EC3 could be a great gimmick if he actually starts to wrestle people I care about, because hes a talented worker, I just refuse to watch a guy squash the same jobbers every week. My brain will not allow it.

Bully Ray vs Anderson (If Bully wins Anderson leaves TNA, is Anderson wins Aces and Eights are done)

Bully cuts a promo about how he was the only one who cared about Anderson a year ago, and after he piledrives him through the stage he'll take good care of his pregnant wife. That angle can go bolt. Infact this whole match could go away really. If Anderson doesn't win, I RIOT! even though the event was 3 days ago and I already know who wins....
Anderson clubs him with the mic, before screaming his name into the same mic. Bully sets up a table in the corner, but Anderson fights out of his attempt to put him through it. They exchange rights before Bully hits a big boot to Andersons jaw. They echange slaps before Bully knocks Anderson down. Taz apparently knows when Bully gets annoyed, and punching people in the head is one of the indicators that hes been irked. A chain gets thrown in the mix, but Bully stops Anderson from knocking him out with it. Knux gets involves and gets piledriven on to the exposed concrete. Bully uses this distraction to drag Anderson back in the ring, and hits a laboured spear on Anderson through the table, but Anderson kicks out. Brooke decides its hammer time, and lobs a hammer in Bully's direction, but she throws it too high, and Anderson catches it to knock Bully out with it. 1,2,3 Aces and Eights is officially over. About 6 months too late.

Overall Turning Point was full of annoyances and the finish for the Magnus v Joe match was horrendous, but Storm and Roode was brutal, so I'll give it an entirely neutral 5 corkscrew planchas out of 10.

WWE Raw Review 18/11/2013

Nae Daniel Bryan = Nae Interest. Its that simple. Without Daniel Bryan, aw this best for business patter can get fucked. Without Daniel Bryan, Triple H and Stephanie can get fucked. Without Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton having the WWE Title can never stop getting fucked. None of this matters withoot Daniel Bryan. So the opening promo on RAW this week pushed me towards the edge. Teetering so I wis. On the brink of rounding up aw the pills in my hoose, dumping them in the bath, then dumping masell in said bath n letting aw the pharmaceutical gidness seep intae my pores. Tae put it more simply, I wisnae intae it.

Orton goes on a mad ramble about how he's no getting enough protection, n how he cannae beat the Big Show by himself now cause he got pit through a table last week. Awkward widden nonsense so it wis. Get you n yer fakebaked melt tae fuck. Triple H then asked him "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?" and I swear on my right erse cheek, he responded wae this....

"The WWE Champion, and the FACE of this company!"

So either Randy Orton hinks Triple H is the WWE Champion and the face of the company or 'he hears voices in his head'

Triple H brings Maddox and Vickie oot. Triple H n Steph book them in matches cause they were shite last week. Vickie is gonnae face wee AJ, n Maddox gets a rare chance tae whap his sweaty oaksters oot when he faces Randy Orton in a No DQ match RIGHT NOO. Kane makes sure Maddox disnae escape by stickin his haun up Brads soakin wee bum n workin him like a puppet.

Randy Orton vs Brad Maddox

Bleugh.
Maddox grabs a mic right away, n tells Randy they don't need tae dae this. Orton disagrees and pulls Maddox aboot by the collar of ees brand new Burtons shirt. Maddox still has yon mic in his haun, and decides tae Mr Kennedy it tae fuck and plant it right on Ortons daft napper. Maddox launched him intae the ringpost next and for a wee moment this wisnae bad. Gets intae the ring and hits him wae a DDT anaw, JBLs huvin 4 kittens n a baby turtle at this point, near huvin a heart attack at the prospect of Maddox winning this. Orton of course turns the tables but, the launches Maddox intae a table, n some steps, and a barricade. Aw the blunt hings. Orton his the Carmel DDT aff the barricade.
Orton pins Maddox doon by thrusting his slimy wee boaby in Bradleys melt and repeatedly strikes him in the jaw wae the same mic Maddox hit him wae. Ref stops the match. Futility n that. Whit wis the point? Orton can batter sweaty executives (exsweatcutives?) So fuck.

Curtis Axel vs Big E Langston (WWE Intercontinental Title Match)

Time's up Curty. Come up aff that strap son. Its been a irrelevant spunkrag fur too long dwelling roon your inferior waste. Time fur Big E tae bring it hame. If Big E wis tae bring it hame, it would be with a freshly jazzed up entrance theme, and speaking as a human man of the world I huv tae say FUCK Big Es new theme. Ye don't fuck wae the classics neer ye don't, this wid be like asking David Guetta tae remix Hey Jude or suhin. We don't need yer bells n whistles.
Never mind the patter about the tune but, Big E n his beautifully shapely diddies had a belt to go n win.
Big E starts oot strong, wae some thunderous shoulderblocks and a right sare wee back drop. More of that raw power shit fae Big E that ye should undoubtedly be intae. Catches a feeble kick attempt fae Axel, and leathers him wae a clothesline, before back-body-dropping the clown fae a great height.
Axel finally gets some offense in, but its pretty much jist slaps n aw that. Yer comin up aff that fuckin belt man, stop delaying the inevitable. Big E rallies, but gets hit wae a braw dropkick by Axel. Aye awrite, you jist simmer. Big E gets intae some mare explosive shit, landing Axel right on his spine wae a braw Belly to Belly, then following that up wae a beautiful big splash which recieved a stoater of a pop. Baw tingler. Axel stays alive, but his teas oot. It happenin. Big E looks for the Big Endling, but Axel blocks  goes for yon jaunty neckbreaker thing he uses as a finisher, Big E is huvin none ae it but, as he pushes Axel away n floors him wae a big clothesline.
Uh-oh...is that? aye it fuckin is. He's took the straps doon, the diddies are oot and that means one thing n one thing only. BIG ENDING. 1...2.....................3, BIG E IS YER NEWWWWWWW IC CHAMP. Get the champers oot boayz. 3 wis enough this time, but in the future, I'll be needin 5 aff ye big man. Whit a fuckin stoater of a pop the big yin got but, up there wae Ziggler and DBry for the biggest pops for title wins of the year. One of they moments ye could just spread oan toast n scran for the rest of yer days.

Divas playing musical chairs. I have no fuckin idea why this abomination happened.
Throughout the show they keep pushin this awful fuckin country song by a coupla cunts who look like they go antiquing wae their aunties oan the weekends, cause its Raw Country this week or suhin., Apparently its popular err in America cause so is meth. Seriously though, I dunno why this happened but there wis a lot of gid arses in denim shorts, and it ended in a scrap, so aye. Next.

Big Show vs Ryback

Cannae even bring mysell tae re-watch this, n its no cause it wis awful either. No as bad as ye'd think anyway, I simply don't gie a flyin fuck. So I'll gie ye whit I remember fae watchin it live. Show ragdolls the square diddied irrelevance fur a bit. Ryback has a gid wee spell, n gets Show up for Shellshock and only goes n fuckin hits it! Show kicks oot but, and when Ryback goes for a second yin, Show blocks it, launches him aff the ropes and KNOCKS HIM CLEAN OOT WAE THAT BIG HAM FIST. Orton decides now's a gid time tae attack, and he gets speared intae next Tuesday.

Yon country singer cunts backstage. Heath Slater approaches and enquires if they hink they can follow The Rhinestone Cowboys. Who the fucks that I hear ye ask? its 3MB. They can dae whit they want anaw mate. Nae gimmick needs tae be set in stone. They could come oot next week n kid on their Demolition if they fuckin wanted tae. The anaemic lookin country singer cunts mumble something aboot showin them how its done. Pile ah baws.

The Real Americans vs The Miz and Kofi Kingston

A few things. Firstly, well done tae Kofi for being exceptionally blue here. Blue tap, blue bottoms, sassy attitude, oozed the blueness. Secondly, Cesaro and Miz started the match aff, and its honestly mildly frightening how much better Cesaro wis. Miz looked lit a cunt on his first day of training. Cesaro catches bawbreath in mid air and hits a vertebrae adjusting backbreaker. Then other stuff happened. Swagger caught Kofi, n hit a sare lookin powerslam hing. Miz gets tae stompin on the apron and gets the crowd EXCITED at the prospect of him being tagged in, cause they aw musta been buzzin solvents afore they got tae the show that night, but when Kofi gets tae the corner Miz jumps aff the apron, looking mildly confused at his ain actions. Don't be confused Miz meht, ye just performed the maist irrelevant heel turn in the history of cunts huvin heels, and ye need tae be taking yersell up the road noo. Swagger snaps Kofis leg, n makes him tap wae The Patriot Lock. The Miz is a heel again. Find me somedy who cares and I'll gie ye a shiny chocolate watch, wae marshamallas insteada hauns.

Vickie Guerrero vs AJ Lee

Vickie kids on shes fell doon in the back, and she cannae perform the night cause she fell doon, and fawin doon is sare. Did I mention she fell? It disnae work anyway, and they reel her oot tae the ring on a stretcher. She greets, n pees hersell a bit but she cannae avoid the match. Tamina catches her as she tries tae escape, but she persuades Tamina tae let her go somehow. Nae problem but, nae danger ataw, wee AJ skips doon the aisle to catch her, n drags her intae the ring, jist tae make sure shes awrite but. Vickie indicates that shes feelin it warm, so AJ fans her face a wee bit, then kinda snaps her neck wae yon Black Widow submission hing. Rough night Vickie hen, up the road tae fire on a wee Gossip Girl box set or suhin. It'll be awrite in the morning.

Triple H telling Sandow n Ziggler that they've tae make music together. Whit a multi faceted hustler Trips is.

Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow (A mad match where theres hunners of instruments in the ring, and the competitors are urged to strike one and other with them)

This wis fun for aw it wis. Coupla guys I've got hunners of love fur, battering each other wae guitars n that. Dolph dropkicks Sandow to the outside, and goes up to the top rope, but Sandow catch him and send him flyin through a Casio Keyboard. Sandow bludgeons Dolph wae a chair, caue he wis getting sick of aw the guitar patter. He then takes a fiddle tae Zigglers dome, before Ziggler counters wae a picture perfect leaping DDT. That might no even be whit ye call that move, I really dunno, but it feels right, cause he leaps....then DDTs cunts. Anyway aye, Dolph snaps the fiddle intae tiny wee bits over Sandows back, before hitting the fameasser for a 2 count. Sandow hits back by tossing Ziggler heid first intae the chair he had set up in the corner, and Dolph sold it like he wis deid. He wisnae deid though, and he regained enough zest for life to pit a drum over Sandows heid, then paid homage tae yer Jeff Jarrett wae a beautifully clean guitar shot tae the heid, and that wis enough for the win. Along wae Big Es magnificence, this wis the only other part of the show I wis totally intae. Entertainment personified. Gid.

Yon country guys again. Go away. John Cena says hello tae them, so that means its Cena time.

John Cena wae his airm in a sling

Johns got his airm in a sling. He says its right that he's the champion cause he's no a daft Mexican charlatan wae nae heart. His name is John Cena and in 6 days he's gonnae knock Del Rio oot in front of the hale Cena family. Del Rio comes oot wae a mic in his haun and I'm no listening, nae cunt is ever listening dickhead. Never. Berty Naebelts approaches the ring, gien the impression he's gonnae attack, but Cena strikes first and cuntychops runs for the hills. How many times dae I need tae fuckin ask ye ya clown...WHERES YER BELTS AT?

R-Truth and Xavier Woods vs The Rhinestone Cowboys

Braw tae see my man Xavier Woods make his main roster debut so it wis, so for that reason I wis somewhat intae this, but it also saddened my face tae see Drew once again be the cunt that has tae job. Nae gimmick, and jobbing aw the fuckin time, its a crying shame. Jist yase the cunt properly or no at aw ffs. Drew n Jinder hit that lovely wee double team suplex hing where ye bounce yer opponents aff the top rope anaw. Xavier woods hits the Honour Roll, then Lost In The Woods tae gie the boayzies the win. Nice tae see ye Xavier ma man. Hopefully see ye daein aw the gid wrasslin and huvin belts soon enough, or at least lets huv ye hingin oot the back of the Funkadactyls.

Randy gets tellt naecunts gonnae help him at Survivor Series. Triple H is DEAD SERIOUS bro. Who gives a modicum of a fuck man? honestly.

A live performance by Georgia Country Music Singer Line, yon country music cunts I've referred to previously. Write me a 4000 word essay on why I should gie a fuck and have it on my desk by sundown ya rat bastard.

The Shield and The Wyatts vs The Rhodzies, The Usos, The Beard and The Best

I really did want tae like this, but nah. 12 is too many know whit I mean? 12 is too much man, I need 6. 8 at the maist. Its jist sare on the eyes. Too many cooks, not enough folk that urnae cooks.
Wrestling wise it wis of course very good. Excellent in fact, but it was too chaotic tae tell a gid story if ye ask me. Don't ask me though, I know fuck all.
I'll try n extract my favourite bits n tell ye whit they were eh? Some lovely fast paced cohesive shit fae The Usos on Ambrose, please give them the tag belts asap. As much as I love The Rhodes lehdz, their future is in singles competition against each other so it is, we aw ken it. Jimmy no sells a heidbutt fae his big cousin Roman Reigns, cause faimlies jist like tae rib each other sometimes. Goldy finally gets in and hus a wee cuddle wae Roman Reigns, before Rollins gets in and is sent flying by mad Goldie. Fuckin love Goldie so I dae, n if you don't, I got two words for ya! "why not?"
Harper tags himsell in and Rollins takes offence, once again The Shield and The Wyatts are at each others throats n if ye didnae have a wee semi for that, yer a better man than me meht.
Punk hasn't been in the match yet, so naturally he's directing hings fae the apron cause he's a gallus muttonchopped bastard. Cody n Rollins get intae some action together, and that wis gid anaw. This is my problem, I love aw these cunts, so its hard tae review this and make them aw look good cause of the chaotic nature of the match. Too many boayzies, no enough time. If the whole show wis 3 hours of this then it mighta worked better, but for me, it wis a bit messy.
Cody drops Rollins on his face, n Harper tags himself in again, another mild stramash between The Shield n Wyatts ensues, before Harper leathers Goldy, and receives a disaster kick fur his troubles. DANIEL BRYAN TIME! kicks tae Harper, then a drop-toe hold which landed Harper face first on the middle turnbuckle. Misisle dropkick followed, and when Rollins tried tae stop a second dropkick landing, Bryan caught him and hit yon German Suplex throw where Rollins lands on his napper. Notice how he rarely uses that on cunts other than Rollins? that's mutual respect right err so it is, Rollins knows Bryan widnae hurt him, and Bryan knows Rollins is gid enough tae sell it properly. Wrasslin palz 4 life.

Finally Bray gets in and drops some sexy elbows on Bryan, then he screams at The Shield aboot their inability tae listen. Ambrose mouths the words "I will wear you lit a fuckin surgical glove" under his breath cause he's no feart of anycunt cept the lord Jesus himself and D-Lo Brown when he used tae wear yon chest protector.
Everycunt gets a shot of flinging Bryan aboot lit wet washin, and this wis comfortably my favourite part of the match. Its the only part that wis gid storytelling imo, seeing The Shield and The Wyatts finally come together as a team. Bryan finally gets back in the ascendency but when he reverses a spinebuster attempt fae Reigns intae a DDT. PUNK FINALLY GETS TAGGED IN, and Chicago's finest cleans hoose. Kneeing n clotheslining cunts intae next Hanukah. Flying elbow on Ambrose. Wee showdown wae Bray ends in Punk kicking him on the back of the napper. Ambrose goes for the full nelson, but it gets reversed intae the anaconda vice. Disnae get the win but, somecunt breaks it up, then The Usos fly aboot daft. Punks goes for the GTS but Ambrose fights oot and hits his finisher. Reigns hits the spear on Goldy. Cody nails the fuckin cross Rhodes on Reigns the its Beard n Best time.....
Punk sets up Rollins for Bryan tae hit the clothesline, and then seemingly aw in the one motion he had hit a beautiful suicide dive on Bray. Back in the ring, Punk has somehow managed tae keep track of who the legal man is, cause he's a fuckin genius or suhin, and he hits mad Ambrose wae the GTS tae gie him and his team of assorted boayzies the win.

The Real Americans run oot tae join the Shield and Wyatts in handing out a beatdown tae yer victors, which is when I lost track of things again. As lovely as it is tae see Cesaro involved in the closing segment on RAW, that's jist an abundance of boadies. Too many. I suppose another wan widnae hurt though eh? that other boady belongs tae Rey Misterio. He Hurricanranas Cesaro oot the ring, before hitting a double 619 on Swagger and Harper. Punk hits the GTS on Harper, and Bryan hits him wae the flyin knee. Night night Harper san.
Rey and the beardy best boayzies allow the pop fae the crowd tae rain down on them like a beautiful shower of appreciation. That's right. I says they allowed the pop tae rain down on them, so whit, we fightin aboot it?

Overall I wisnae a fan of most of this weeks RAW, hence why the review is a rambling pile of chatter cause I FUCKIN LOVE REVIEWIN SHITE WRASSLIN. Big E winning the belt being the obvious highlight, and Ziggler paying homage tae Double J wis gid tae. Also didnae totally hate the main event, but it didnae tell a story and wis to cluttered wae boadies. For Big E becoming the IC Champ, it gets 6 big endings oota 10. Widda been 3 if that didnae happen though.

Lifelike portrait of Bret Hart for the outro. Be good tae each other.