Tuesday, December 31, 2013

WWE RAW Review 30/12/2013

I'm hungover tae fuck and no got the time to re-watch the show, so I'll jist gie ye some of my thoughts the noo and maybe go back and review the show properly next week. Since its the last day of the year n aw that, I wanted tae fire oot wan last post. And so we shall begin.....

Opening promo between the Shield and Punk jist aboot had me on the floor wae excitement. Punk and Ambrose has the potential to one day be one of the best singles feuds in history in terms of mic work, and they're fuckin good in the ring together tae. On this occasion however, its yer Seth Rollins who gets the nod tae face Punk one-on-one. I got the impression with how strong my man Seth wis lookin that Punk might have been putting him over clean. A decision I wid have had many erections for, but it didnae pan oot. Some Shield interference, and a GTS later and its lights oot. Wonderful way tae start the show though.

Orton will defend the belt against Cena at the Rumble. Stephanie McMahon looked mighty fine in them jeans. Ass up from the calves up.

Ziggler beats Axel in a stoater of a 5 minute match. One thing ye cannae question about Axel is his in ring ability, but there are many things ye can question, including his paternity, and if he's ever strung a sentence together that anycunt cared aboot. I find it very difficult to dislike any wrestler who can work, but theres something aboot him and his smug melt that just bothers me. I'd love it if we went away, or became the third cunt tae kid on hes Sin Cara, cause at least that wid mean we widnae need tae see his face.

Big E beats Fandango in an IC Title match, and it wis so braw, I curled intae a wee baw n recited poetry tae mysell whilst weeping softly. Big E's tits, Fandangos shimmering chest, and Summer Rae bein pretty much in the scud made this extremely erotic tae. Gid fuckin show fae all involved.

An odd Hogmanay party segment where Booker T appears tae steaminly stick his boaby in Justin Gabriels ear. It wis really odd cause its no New Years Eve yet, but then Bad News Barrett saved the whole hing by descending fae the fuckin floor next tae the stage and gien us some sterling patter. As much as I miss big Wade in the ring, Bad News Barrett is one of my favourite character re-inventions in years. In terms of taking an established cunt and making him fresh. Braw. Hopefully it leads tae a push in a wrasslin capacity soon.

Sandow says if he loses the night he'll quit. He beats Khali in what was actually a passable match. Khali has never been better in the ring, and whilst that still means hes utter dross, he can at least look capable of standing upright these days. Sandow working him as well as he did tells ye aw ye need tae know aboot that beautiful bearded man. Stoatin.

Truth n Broadus. Utter tripe. Naecunt gives a fuck about any of this. Truth won cause Broadus got distracted by his ain theme music again. I don't even know....

BROCK LESNAR! The beast is fuckin back baby! Paul Heyman cuts a belter of a promo on his behalf, before Brock takes the mic himself and actually done no bad apart fae one wee botch. He challenges anycunt in the back tae come oot n face him, and after kidding on he wis Santa last week, none other than the bold Mark Henry emerges. I cannae really describe how fuckin intae this I wis, and that's fairly remarkable considering I couldnae gie two shites about either of them until earlier this year. Mark Henrys promo work and Brock vs Punk made them two of my favourite cunts but, and watching Brock drive my big pal Mark through a barricade and F5 him wis fuckin wonderful. I suspect it wont lead tae an actual feud right enough. Mark seems tae huv just been a big cunt for Brock tae leather. Brock also says he disnae need tae win the Rumble tae be number one contender, but he kinda does. Sorry tae break it tae ye kiddo.

10 diva tag match. Aksana got the pin and Eva Marie wis there. I cannae bring mysell tae watch these matches tbh. No unless its dense wae gid wrastlers, and unfortunately there isnae enough talented lassies on the main roster tae even fill wan team up with gid wrestlers so aye, it is whit it is. Although it wid be hard for it tae be whit it wisnae, ye know? naw, me neither brother.

Daniel Bryan has a simple wee task tae end the show. Nae problem. Aw he had tae do wis beat Erick Rowan and Luke Harper in singles matches, fur a wee shot at Bray Wyatt. He duly obliges, working a 10-15 minutes stoater wae Harper, and a decent wee 5 minute effort wae Rowan anaw, which included Rowan hittin a middle rope fall away slam which hud me up on my chair reciting lyrics tae The Logical Song in a beautiful falsetto. When Bray enters the ring, DBry is out on his feet, and Harper and Rowan attack him fur the DQ. It seems that no matter whit Daniel Bryan does he wont ever get a fair shot at Bray.

Bray gives him one last chance to repent. One last chance to heed his beautiful words and join the family. Bray can make the pain go away. He just needs Bryan to take his hand, and dye know whit? he fuckin done it. After weeks of torture. Weeks of physical and mental suffering, Daniel Bryan finally realised that nae matter how loud they cheer, and how many t-shirts he sells, they'll never let him get tae where he wants to be. The Authority will never gie him the position he deserves. After struggling tae his feet, DBry is hit wae Sister Abigail and that seems tae be his initiation. He's finally one of the boayzies and I'll tell ye suhin else, I fuckin love it. It makes a lot of hings clearer n kinda indicates this has been the plan all along. Even wee things like Kane joining up wae The Authority are clearer noo, considering Kane wis The Wyatts first target. I suspect he'll be the one they go after first and it'll aw lead tae Bray and the boayz helping Bryan take his rightful place at the top of the fuckin tree. That might be me jist chuckin oot some blind optimism right enough, but I can only hope this development leads tae aw the belts gaun tae aw the beards. I cannae allow mysell tae think otherwise.

Overall a fuckin stoater of a RAW tae end the year. Some braw wrasslin, and the Lesnar/Henry stuff and the Bryan finale were such stauner inducing beauties. Too gid. I'll try n review it properly later in the week but fur now I'm gien it 8 F5s oota 10. Send it.

A wee sidenote since this is my last blog of the year. I want tae thank everyone who's read/RT'd/commented on my stuff and helped this wee page become so popular. 19 thousand views in 6 months is pretty fuckin gid I think, and I'm fair proud of it. I'd also like tae thank the folk who inspire and support me every day. That's enough ae the sappy patter right. Wrasslin n that eh. Ye cannae whack it, even if ye hud a tenny racket meht.

Happy new year tae yees aw. Here's two of Foleys faces.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

WWE RAW Review 23/12/2013

Last weeks RAW review lacked the usual vigour of ma previous efforts, for a few daft reasons, so I wis fair lookin forward tae gettin stuck in tae it this week. Yet here I sit, 5 minutes before showtime, wae my arse well and truly deflated cause I was pretty much tellt aw the spoilers from this weeks show. RAW is usually live, so spoilers urnae a problem but wae shows roon the festive season its sometimes taped. I dont read spoilers for 2 reasons. 1. It affects how ye react tae the show imo. Makes nae sense tae me whatsoever, but ive nae problem wae folk who dae read them. Wid be like readin the whole plot fur a film afore gaun tae see it, but listen. I'm no arsed. Each tae their ain eh. and more importantly 2. ITS STILL FUCKIN REAL TAE ME.

Mark Henry opens the show in aw his glory. A happy, mountainous Santa, smiling fae ear tae ear. He's yer good Santa for the evening, and Damien Sandow wae aw his snarky patter wid be the bad guy. I assume mare hings will happen concerning that. Perhaps a match between the two to settle hings? Cept I ken they huv a match, n I ken who wins haha. Thats good eh? Saves me the bother of watchin it aw unfold. Good for me.

Naw. I'm still no err it.

Triple H, Kane and Stephanie McMahon in Santa hats, I'm gonnae go ahead n switch ma brain aff tae suhin good happens here. Here's a wee festive drawing of Mr Perfect I drew fur ma pal tae somethin decent happens.

Fuckin theres Blandy Snoreton noo. Nice belts meht, fancy trading wan of them for a functional eye? even wan wid dae meht. Blandy 'wan-eye' Snoreton they'd cry ye. Sounds lit a really shite mafia cunt. I dont even know whit that patter is man. Fuckin....Randys in a giving mood, gied wee JoJo aff Total Divas Herpes did he no? or did I make that yin up? I make a lotta shit up btw, wan time I'm sure I said somedy broke a submission hold by throwin ees voice under the ropes.

Hunners ah Divas. Total Divas vs Other Divas cept AJ

Ridiculous fuckin spot where everycunt fae total divas joined airms and kicked cunts. Fuckin get that tae fuckin fuck. Natalya and Aksana baith looked eye wateringly braw but, n Nattie slapped Aksanas wee erse fur her. Gid shit. Nattie locked in the maist beautiful sharpshooter int he hitsory of human existence anaw, so hings urnae aw that bad eh. Could be worse. We coulda had Vickie Guerrero buttin somedy wae antlers oan. Naw wait...THAT DID HAPPEN.


Bah fuckin humbug. 

Sin Cara vs Curtis Axel

Pretty fuckin gid so it wis. I enjoyed the match, but once again I wis blindsided wae a fuckin spoiler as it wis just startin. This was one of the matches I hudnae seen a spoiler for yet so naturally I wis delighted tae have aw the wonder sooked ootae this yin anaw. Really gid. SIN CARA WINS WAE THE SWANTON. HOORAY.


Awrite? ma names Martin. I'm 24 years old, I own over 50 socks, some of them belong to a pair, and at least 15-20 books, most of which I've read at least once. I cook a mean poached egg and there's suhin im forgettin i hink...aw aye, I'M FUCKIN RAGIN MEHT. 

Posting spoilers on twitter, or anywhere i can fuckin see them isnae cool. If you pull that shit, I will shite in a polly bag n make ye swally it whole. Well I prolly wont, but I'd really fuckin like tae. 

Damien Sandow bein mean tae a wee lassie. Cmon Damo, yer better than that meht. Santa's supposed tae be jolly ya sillyheid! Tells her he's cancelled Christmas, but I dont think he has the authority tae make that call, so yees can aw still eat too much n drunk rum ootae a sippy cup if yer intae it.

The Big Show in a top hat wae a happy new year hing across his chest, and I hink he wis wearin a nappy. I dont even fuckin know man. Remember wrestling?

Batista is back baby! Cause a 44 year old who disnae really like wrestling, and could dae fuck all but powerbomb and spear cunts when he wis in his prime is exactly whit we need. No tae sound like a pure know it all or that, but see this? get it as far away fae me as humanly possible, and when it gets there, gie it a wedgie n stick its heid doon the pan. Fuckin BIG DAVE IS BACK!!! JANUARY 20TH! JIST IN TIME TAE WIN THE RUMBLE. 

Bah fuckin humbug

Daniel Bryan, Goldy and Cody Rhodes vs The Wyatt Family

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaye! fuckin so much fuckin aye. Not only wis this one of the matches I didnae know the outcome for, but it happened to be one of my favourite 6 man tag matches probably ever. A wondrous feast for the senses so it wis. Christmas is back AWN! I dont have time tae re-watch it and gie ye the play-by-play but needless tae say it had everything ye could possibly have wanted from this type of match. Lariats fae big Harper, Rowan confused n flingin cunts. Goldy gien ye aw that uppercuttin, atomic droppin gidness. Tried a snapmare on Harper but the big yin blocks it. He blocks hings often cause he's a big bastard n thats jist whit he's intae. Suicide dive fae DBry, aw the kicks, aw the missile dropkicks. Aw the best shit. DBry finally gets a shot at Bray, but the big yin bolts and when DBry goes after him, big Rowan flattens the poor cunt. Cody in the ring wae big Harper, and hits uhm wae a wee drop toehold, followed by a moonsault. Rowan tosses DBry intae a barricade, and gets hit by a flying Goldust right efter it, cause Goldust is the fuckin da. When aw that madness was going on outside the ring, poor Cody wis gettin Sister Abigailed in it and that wis that. The Wyatts go over strong as fuck again. Nae bad thing really, but its another loss for DBry and another doing for him, and The Rhodezies.

Bryan gets a mild but probably quite sare doing afterwards, and Bray re-iterates that he could have taken the pain away. It didnae have tae be like this. Felt like he was on the verge of tears as he spoke tae DBry, which just about sums up the extent of this mans acting prowess. Windham Rotunda no longer exists, he's morphed intae Bray Wyatt for good. Follow the buzzards.

(this wis where I stopped reviewing it live cause I couldnae be fucked, the remainder of this review wis written at hauf 5 on Chrismtas Morning, hence the slightly cheerier tone tae it. Please enjoy responsibly in the presence of at least 3 semi functional adults, or a baby lion)

.A segment which involved Drew Mcintyre and Jinder Mahal in a sing off against Xavier Woods and R-Truth, and of course Khali and Santino cause its RAW Christmas and thats jist how shit wis goin down. I wisnae sure whit wis happenin, or where the fuck ma main man Heath Slater wis, but as soon as Khali got on the mic n started gaun "fa la la la la, fa la la la la" over n over again, nuhin else mattered. Majestic. Him n Santino won of course, although if ye want ma honest opinion on whose voice possessed the maist beauty, I'd huv tae go wae the bold Xavier Woods. If ye want my opinion on who the greatest human shaped disaster oan the planet is, that wid huv tae be Le Grande Khali.

Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango (Christmas Present On A Pole Match)

The present wis an IC Title shot, and I kent who won this afore it kicked aff so when I fun oot that wis the stip it bothered me even mare. Why the fuck is Dolph Ziggler the guy that puts over CONTENDERS fur the IC belt noo? It'll never make sense tae me neer it willnae, n I jist want tae tell him its aw gonnae be awrite, while I make a lifelike waxwork model of that breathtaking erse hes goat. Aye so, Fandango shoves him aff the top rope, Dolph sells it like he died on the way doon n his boady shattered intae a million tiny glistening pieces, n Fandango gets the title shot.  End ah fuckin story.

The Usos vs The PTP

Some mic work fae Darren Young here tae kick us aff! he's frustrated that Titus is always the cunt daein the talkin, so he grabs the mic, only tae say the wrang toon name and get it promptly took aff uhm. Ye cannae go aboot Texas n no be aware whit part yer in Darren meht. Wid be lit gaun tae Ibrox, grabbin the mic aff the compere, n welcoming everycunt tae Sellik Park. Cunts lucky tae huv made it oot alive tbh, especially efter an Uso hits uhm wae a big splash aff the tap rope tae gie the boayz the win. Then they aw done the millyins ah dollas hing afterwards because KAYFABE IS DEAD.

Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow

So mind how Damien Sandow wis supposed tae be the next World Heavyweight Champion? Mind how he cashed in the MITB briefcase against Cena, n worked a fuckin stoatin match, only tae lose anyway? Mind how everycunt assumed this wid lead tae him workin wae Cena n gettin the belt eventually? I mind meht. I mind aw these hings, and I mind how it wis aw snatched away in an instant when this fuckin unification shite started up, and now we've goat a bonafide genius in Damien Sandow languishing in the midcard once more, cuttin  aboot trying tae cancel Christmas, n gettin leathered wae candy canes aff Mark Henry. I dunno who's burial I'm mare annoyed aboot tbh, cause Dolph at least had a wee shot of the baw afore Triple H burst it, n gied the deflated remains tae Berty Naebelts, Sandow's jist been shelved by the looks of it. Henry won wae the Worlds Strongest Slam n that wis that. Two of my favourite cunts cuttin aboot in fuckin Santa suits, as much as it wis gid clean hermless fun, I want these two pushed right up that card. No the morra, no yesterday, no the day....in fact aye, the day. I want them pushed THE DAY. Christmas fuckin Day. Push ma boayz or risk being on the receiving end of a strongly worded email. Perhaps a fax anaw if yer lucky (nae fuckin idea who I'm even supposed tae be talkin tae here. We'll say its Vince McMahon n say nae mare aboot it right? sound)

A fairly fuckin beautiful promo between three of ma mainest men. Big E n aw his magnificant shiny diddies gidness, CM Punk wae the stories, and John Cena wae the reckless enthusiasm. They're gonnae batter The Shield stupit the night and have nae qualms wae lettin us know aw aboot it. That's yer main event btw, they three boayz takin oan the Shieldzies. Punk talks aboot never having asked fur help afore, but he's making an exception cause its Christmas. Santa brought him John Cena n Big E Langston, and they shall go forth as a unit. If Santa brought me a coupla bonafide stoaters lit they two fur crimmuh, I might be able tae forgive him fur never bringin me wannae yon Hulk Hogan rippable vests when I wis wee. 

Los Matadores vs The Real Americans

Antonio Cesaro is so much more than the fuckin swings so he is. As braw a spot as it is, its happenin waaaaay too fuckin often now, n cunts are startin tae forget hes a wrasslin adonis. Anyway aye, the wee bull nutted Cesaro in the baws efter he does some swings on a Matador, and another Matador inexplicably pinned Swagger wae a crossbody. Ye fuckin whit meht? crossbodys huvnae pinned anycunt since the early 80s, get this tae fuck.

Ryback squashes Kofi Kingston. I'm sure somedy on planet earth gied a fuck. Mibbe Kofi's brerrs n sisters back in Jamaica?

I love Bad News Barrett n I frankly couldnae gie a fuck whit ye hink ma man. Theres wee segments throughout the night involving him bein nice n collectin fur charity oan the streets, and the segment in the arena is basically him telin us that he plans tae steal that charity money n spend it oan nipple tassels n swedgers. No gien a modicum of a fuck either. Cause Bad News Barrett  dont give an eff about nuffin!

The Shield vs CM Punk, Big E Langston and John Cena

Magic. Whit a braw RAW fur 6 man tag matches. Cena starts hings aff wae Rollins and yer boay looks sharp as fuck. Aw the shoulderblocks. Fleein aw err the place. Ambrose in there wae Cena, hittin uh wae some methodical jabs and looks of pure lust. Lovely wee snap suplex on the outside fae Ambrose on Punk. Drapped ye right oan yer coccyx dint eh Phil ma man. Reigns gets in n pretty much ragdolls poor Punk. Bearhug intae a belly tae belly suplex, raw power baybeeee. A flurry of activity leads tae Big E bein left on his tod wae Rollins n Ambrose and he tries n fails tae hit them baith wae the Big Ending. Wound up wae a kick tae the side of the dome aff Rollins fur his considerable trouble. Cena breaks up the pin fae that, and catches a flyin Rollins, before gettin him up for the AA only tae be speared clean oot ees Nu-Balances by Roman Reigns. Everycunt clears oot, leaving Big E tae finally hit The Big Ending on Ambrose and jist when it looks like the big yin is going over strong as fuck, the boayzies come in tae break up the pin and fur some reason get DQ'd in the process. Cannae go this picking and choosing when breaking up a pin is legal in a tag match, but I didnae really gie much of a fuck tbh. Belter of a match, and it ended a RAW that admiteddly I wisnae in the best of oods fur on a high note.

So i'll tell yees aw whit. RAW gets a generous 6.5 gutwrench powerbombs oota 10 despite its deficiencies cause there wis two superb 6 man tag matches and Natalya wearin a wee skirt, and also I'm feelin fuckin festive brah. Merry Christmas tae you and yours.

 



 




Tuesday, December 17, 2013

WWE RAW Review 16/12/2013

This weeks RAW review will be shorter, cause I cannae be bothered watchin it again n pickin it apart tae be honest. It wis a decent show. Plenty of gid wrasslin as per, but then we wasted a whole segment on Broadus Clays inexplicably drawn out heel turn, and the commentators took a seflie during a match and somewhere between they two things happening, my brain collapsed in on itself.

The Show opens wae everycunt gathered on the stage again, because even when ye dae it 15 times in about 4 months, that patter never gets auld. They're out to congratulate Blandy on having two belts, and he cuts a promo where he tries tae sound intense but just sounds like he needs a shite. Cena interrupts by calling him an idiot and urges him tae take on Daniel Bryan. I got really excited n assumed it wis for the belts. Didnae click that it wisnae for a good hauf hour. Utter riddy. The match was made by Triple H though and it would indeed be Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan in a non title match in the main event an it was fuckin immense tbh. But we'll get tae that efter.

The Rhodezies vs ReyShow

Pretty much the same exchange which ended the fatal 4 way at TLC, wae aw yer usual brawness fae Goldy, n Cody. Nae 'rana fae the gold yin this time though. Show wis also pretty fuckin decent and Rey done aw the usual Rey routine. Another clean loss for The Rhodes lehdz anaw, as Goldy hits Show wae an uppercut, and a flying forearm, before having his ddt attempt blocked and turned intae a chokeslam by the big yin. Then Rey climbed uhm and drapped the dime for the win. Once again Show n Rey help Goldy tae his feet, and kinda pity him, which makes me hink they might repeat this routine a few times, but eventually Goldy gets sick of the pity n starts batterin cunts. Namely his wee brerr. That's yer heel turn, settin up yer wrasslemania Brerr v Brerr encounter.

Bad News Barrett correctly cries us aw a bunch of lowlifes. Yesterday aw I ate wis 3 pot noodles, and 2 pieces n pringles, so I'm personally fittin that criteria tae perfection. So what? wanna fight about it?

Fandango vs Dolph Ziggler

This wisnae as good as their TLC pre-show match if ye ask me, but one thing that isnae in doubt is the chemistry these two handsome bastards huv. Fandango doges a baseball slide and sends Dolph beak first tae the deck wae a big clothesline. Then  Dolph rolls through an attempt at...something fae Fandango, and rolls him up for the pin. Best ah 3 boayzies? Lets huv the decider on Smackdown, and lets make it a cheeky wee two outta three falls match eh! why no?

The Real Americans vs Big E and Mark Henry

This wisnae a bad RAW btw. Quite the opposite. Don't take my lack of attention tae detail as a damning verdict oan the quality of the show, I cannae be bothered is aw, but this was crackin. Big E an Cesaro showed some potential for an intriguing one on one feud, but I say that aboot anycunt that has the privilege of getting in the ring wae Cesaro. Big E launches Tony intae the right wae a hiptoss before planting him wae the back body drop. The tables are turned on the big yin and he's gaspin tae get the World Soundest Man tagged in, but Cesaro drags him away, and deadlifts him afore hitting the Gutwrench Suplex. Cesaro tries the swings on Henry, but Big E stops that wae a big diddy hit, before pulling doon the straps and hitting the Big Ending. Jack Swagger wis in this match tae btw, I apologise fur no mentionin but I've nae spare fucks tae give ye.

Broadus Clay comes oot wae Tensai tae go 2 on 2 wae The Rybaxel (that's whit im cawin them noo, addition of "The" tae make it abundantly clear that I see them as one single, personality free entity). They're draggin this fuckin heel turn out for another week, but thankfully it finally happened. Broadus jumps aff the apron when Tensai goes for a tag, n Ryback shellshocks him for the pin. Broadus comes in and keeps hittin his auld pal wae big splashes, until hauners fae R-Truth and Xavier Woods arrive. Broadus Clay is a heel now, and my frustration at how long its took tae dae it has manifested itsell physically intae a frozen shoulder. Ooyah.

CM Punk emerges for story time and he's joined by none other than Shawn Michaels, this wis lovely. Punk warns HBK that even though he kinda enjoyed getting superkicked aff him last week in a strange way, if he tries tae pull that shit again he's gonnae get kicked back. HBK says kicking Punk wis painful for him, but then he introduces The Shield and says that's painful anaw. I dunno why really, it wis a gid back and forth between the boayz, and it teases HBK vs Punk for Mania which would be unspeakably braw, but at the same time, I'm really confused as tae why it pained HBK tae introduce Punk to opponents that he already knew about. So aye...wrestling.

CM Punk and The Usos vs The Shield

Usual excellence between these guys. Rollins gets tossed up in the air and Samoan Drapped by an Uso. Reigns locks one of his cousins intae a vielike chinlock, then Pun double neckbreakered Ambrose and Rollins. Punk gets Ambrose up for the GTS, and hits it, but Reigns had made a blind tag and he speared the Punkster oot his kickpads fur the win. The Shield still gaun strong, tellt ye big Roman wisnae turning heel yet. Also when they escaped through the crowd, Ambrose gave Reigns a wee kiss, and that wis the single greatest moment of the year. Perhaps a candidate for the best thing that's ever happened to anyone.

Wee Titantron promo fae Bray. He speaks of Daniel Bryans cowardice. He speaks of holding Daniel Bryan ever so tenderly and offering to take the pain away. Daniel Bryan refused. He apologises for ever doubting Abigail. If Daniel Bryan refuses to walk with the reapers, he will burn with the saints. I dunno what that means, but by Christ I am excited aboot it.

The Smellas and Natalya vs Alicia Fox, Tamina and AJ

This was pretty fuckin gid considering it involved The Smellas. Particularly impressed by Alicia Foxx, who's been used poorly for years. She can at least go a wee but, but naecunt gies a fuck unfortunately. Tamina has aw the action worth talkin aboot really. Beautiful Samoan Drop, and after some shenanigans between AJ and Nikki, Tamina blindsides the shiter Bella wae a superkick, leaving AJ tae hit the shining wizard for the win.

Mark Henry is Santa Claus, and I fuckin LOVE IT. Damien Sandow wis Santa Claus earlier, that wis gid tae. There'll be mare Santa based shenanigans between these two later anaw. Brawness.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton

This wis wonderful. Its rarely shite when these two get together cause as much as I find Orton unpalatable as a human being, when given the right opponent he can put on good matches and the quality of this yin seems tae indicate that he's taking his responsibilities as the main man in the company at least a wee bit seriously. Trying tae cut promos that cunts care aboot anaw, but that's no really pannin oot if ye ask me. Be less boring meht.
Bryan gets Orton tied up in the corner and dropkicks him in the knee, before wrappin hm roon a pole n jabbin his glaikit dial. A wee uppercut exchange fae the boays, is followed by Orton catching a big kick tae the breadbasket. Orton sends DBry flyin aff the ropes and catches him wae a big elbow tae the solar plexus. Sare dunt. An eve sarer dunt followed as DBry goes for a suicide dive, but Orton catches it and aids Bryans natural momentum tae send him flying beard first ontae the ground. Does yon spot wear he draps his opponent on the barricaders tae, cause he does it in every fuckin match. Dbry gets nae yes caught in the corner and flies at him wae a hunner dropkicks and assorted additional kicks. They swap momentum shifts for a bit, afore DBry gets the YES! lock in, Orton gets the rope and slides oot only tae be hit wae a Suicide Dive at the second attempt, and a dropkick which sent Orton err the barrier. Bryan looks tae be building up tae overcoming Orton clean, but after the chest kicks, and the attempted roundhouse tae the face, Orton ducks it and hits a low blow fur the DQ. Crackin match, but theres yer undisputed champ lookin weak as fuck again.

Orton looks tae finish the show but battering DBry some mare, but Cena comes oot n stops it, only for the viper tae sleekitly slither back in and hit him wae an RKO. He then proceeded tae masturbate furiously and shoot two puffs of steam oot the end ae his hauf incher, each of them directed at one of his fallen foes. Or he lifted baith belts above his heid while enemies wur lying spark oot. I dunno, it wis wan of they two things anyway.

8.5 bulldogs oota 10. Overall a stoater of a RAW. I apologise if this kinda vague review didnae paint a vivid enough picture of it, so in an attempt tae make up for that, here's an actual picture of HBK tellin ye he's still sexy.


WWE Smackdown Review (Plain English) 13/12/2013

Daniel Bryan vs Erick Rowan

I know its because they seem to want Unification talk to close the show these days, but still. If your show starts with Daniel Bryan in a match, then its a show I'm going watch with heart palpitations. A big bearhug fro Rowan, is countered with a missile dropkick from DBry as business started to pick-up. We got chest kicks from Bryan, followed by the big roundhouse to the side of Rowans dome. Then Harper jumped on the apron and caught a dropkick for his troubles, before DBry slips out of a powerslam attempt, and runs the ropes, eventually hitting Harper with a suicide dive. He then pulls the bottom rope down on Rowan and looks to be going for the double suicide dive, but Bray trips him n that's game, set and match. Bryan wins by DQ. Had the feeling that with Bray out there this wasn't going to end cleanly.

Bray settles back into his seat, seemingly prepared to watch his minions knock Bryan stupid but Danny turns the tables! Evades their attacks, before fleeing to the outside a knocking Bray right out his chair with a flyin knee! Magnificent.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes vs The Real Americans

13 minutes into the show and I'd already seen Daniel Bryan, The Wyatts, Goldust, Cody and Cesaro. Smackdown was spoling us this week! Nice armdrag takedown from Goldy on Cesaro. These two need to have a singles match asap.Cody dodges the Swagger Bomb, and gets to Goldy for a tag, before Goldy unleashes all the classics. Uppercut to the jaw, inverted atomic drop, and a wee spinebuster, but Cesaro gets a blind tag during the whole routine, and in comes the big guy. Cesaro sends Goldust to the outside, and nearly takes his beautiful gold head off with a brutal clothesline, and when we get back from the break, even Swagger's kicking poor Goldys head in. Cesaro gets in and gets to uppecuttin, before sending Goldy in Swaggers direction for  a wonderful belly to belly suplex. Goldust gives us a selling masterclass here, because he manages to fight back, but he looks totally out of it whilst doing so. Hits a shoulderblock off the second rope and that gives him an opening for a tag, but he just cant move...he finally crawls to the corner and Cody gets in there with Cesaro. Alabama Slam from Cody is delivered and he goes for the cover, but Tony reaches the bottom rope before the three count. Cesaro ducks the disaster kick and goes for the swings, but Goldy stops it, before Cesaro sent him fleeing out of the ring, then gets caught with a second attempt at the disaster kick. Swagger breaks up the pin attempt, and Cody sends them both outside, before hitting a springboard crossbody. He then goes up top lookin to put the Real Americans to bed, but Swagger tickles his leg, and off that distraction Cesaro hits an unspeakably brilliant Uppercut from the top rope to give The Real Americans a win over the tag champs.

Bad News Barrett time? starting to properly love this new gimmick. I popped hard when the crowd are getting unruly and he called for "Decorum please!" before delivering this weeks bad news. The bad news is that we're all a bunch of losers, who are forced to live vicariously through a winner like Bad News Barrett, which is the fairest point any human has ever made.

Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow

Big E on commentary here. This Smackdown is too good. Mark Henry dumps Sandow on the outside, before askin him is "that's all you got?" and eh...well it was. He took the countout, whilst pointing to Big E, signifying that he wont have the energy to wrestle two guys that could deadlift a Range Rover in the space of a few days, so he'll save his energies for Big E at TLC on Sunday. Big E sends Damo back into the ring for a big splash off Mark, before the intellectual saviour of the masses gets himself outta there. Big E chases efter him but we never did get to see if he caught him. That'll keep me up at night.

Tamina and AJ vs The Smellas

In too good a mood to pay full attention tae the work of The Smellas, so I'll tell you how it ended. Brie Smella tapped to the Black Widow after some shenanigans that involved the Bellas stumbling about looking drunk. Natty was on commentary, and was a goddess as always./

Jahnnnn Ceeeeeeeeena promo. His promo to end RAW was a belt, but I prefer it when he has someone to interact with in a promo. This is decent for a solo one though, some of his solo ones have been awful in the past. He says Orton has a glass jaw. Johnny Cena's gonna tap that jaw. He says if Orton gets hit with a chair, or gets put through a table, that's him done. If it happens to Cena HE GETS BACK UP! and he yammers on like that for a wee while longer. The champ is here. Etc etc. This was Cena by numbers tbh, wasn't feeling it much apart from the glass jaw crack.

Rollins and Reigns vs The Usos

A wee leapfrog from Rollins is followed by an uppercut from Jimmy or Jey. Reigns gets in and almost decapitates his cousin..Jimmy or perhaps Jey, who knows? it was an Uso shaped man, and he was in a chinlock. Then he got floored with a clothesline, making it a fairly traumatic 20 second period for the poor lad. Rollins gets tagged in, and attempts a double team with Reigns, but JeyMaybeJimmy kicks Reigns in the head, sends Rollins flyin over the top rope, before planting his cousin on the dome with a spike DDT. Uppercut from Jimmy, before het tosses Rollins in the air and catches him with the Samoan Drop. Then a whole lot of activity occurred that I struggled to keep up with, but the main hing you should take from this, is that Rollins gets majorly cheeky with a wee CM Punk impression as he signals its time fur Jimmy or Jey to go to sleep, but instead of delivering a GTS, he sends an Uso right into big Romans path for another vertebrae shatterer of a spear. Lights out. Shield get the win.

CM Punk promo backstage. He talks about exposing The Shields weaknesses, and pretty much looks as menacing as a man can look while taping his hands up. Ends it by urging us all to "Believe! in the best in the world!" I saw his face. Now I'm a believer.

Ryback vs Big Show

Properly good episode of Smackdown this had been. Then this happened. This was a lot better than I expected when it happened on RAW, but I cant even begin to explain how little I cared about it this time. Only happened to set up a wee flurry of action at the end to help build up the recently announced Fatal 4 Way match for the tag belts at TLC. Show puts Ryback to bed with a chokeslam, Axel gets fresh and gets 619'ed off Rey then knocked clean out by Show.

Ooft I didnt think we were getting storytime wae Bray this week! but there he is on the titantron. Screaming about how he's been such a fool to put his neck on the line for Daniel Bryan. He's going make him walk with the reaper and leave this world behind. Spine tingling stuff.

Kofi was supposed to wrestle Del Rio, but Miz attacked him from behind and it never happened. Such a waste of time, it was almost obscene.

The show ended with Orton trudging out to apologise tae The Authority for knocking Steph out on RAW. I loved the end of RAW cbeause it managed tae pull al the potentially explosive elements of this TLC match into one neat package bu when you separate them? Snoozeworthy. Triple H is there. The Daniel Bryan chants start again because the fans DEMAND he returns to the mountain top. Trips ends it with an open ended statement about him "knowing where their faith lies"

Loved the first hour and a half of Smackdown this week, but the last half hour was the most futile waist of anyones time in the prestigious history of time wasting. So for that reason, this weeks Smackdown drops back to a moderate 7 tiger suplexes oota 10

Monday, December 16, 2013

WWE TLC 2013 Review



Year ending PPVs have a duty to at least try tae bring some closure to the casual fan. Someone who might not tune in again tae the Rumble, or even Mania. TLC done the job in that regard, the closure it brought jist happened tae create a void in my troubled soul, which I've spent most of today stuffing wae chocolate bars and poems that don't rhyme. I'm hurtin meht, and you should be anaw.

See up until its climax but? TLC wis fuckin gid. Matches I expected little fae turned oot braw, matches I expected a lot from delivered, and matches that wurnae previously on the card got treated wae the disrespect they deserved. Fuckin R-Truth vs Broadus Clay on a PPV, are these cunts contractually obliged tae gie ye a long enough windae for a mid show wank or suhin? I didnae utilise this windae for those reasons personally, instead I used the time wasted on that match tae stretch adequately, so I didnae pull a muscle when I fly kicked the tele as soon as Kofi vs Miz started.

Might aswell review the wrasslin then eh? fuck aw better tae be daein wae mysell, so here we go!

Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango (Pre-Show)

Cannae be bothered seeking this out tae re-watch it, so I'll gie ye whit I can remember. A predictably braw match between two horrendously underutilised talents. Dolph with the chest, erse and hair glistening oh so wonderfully. Fandango with the chest, erse and hair glistening oh so wonderfully. Summer Rae wis lookin nb anaw I spose. Fame-asser. Big Leg drop fae the tap rope which Dolph sold like his neck with pit in a guillotine and Fandango's leg wis given the fateful task of decapitating the poor cunt. Game, set and match. This being on the pre-show and Broadus Clay officially turning heel being on the main card can fuckin GET TAE FUCK.

Broadus Clay turns heel btw, spoiler a-fuckin-lert.

CM Punk vs The Shield

CM Punk isn't a professional wrestler. CM Punk isnae a fuckin sports entertainer either. CM Punk is also not a mere mortal. CM Punk is a professional storyteller. On that mic, in the ring, walkin the streets, makin a piece n jam. Disnae matter whit he's daein, CM Punk is telling ye a story. That's why I wis convinced this match wis gonnae be brilliant, cause The Shield have worked some excellent 3 on 1 handicap matches with folk who aren't even in the same stratosphere as Punk when it comes tae storytelling (sorry Dolph meht) so of course this wis gonnae be a sight to behold.
It starts off wae Punk playing a bit of cheeky buggers, n getting yer Shield boays tae chase him aboot. When the wrasslin starts, Punk drives some shoulders and elbows intae Rollins, before hitting yon neckbreaker, then another yin, and a third without skippin a fuckin beat. Then trouble appeared. A big Samoan shaped spearing machine cried Roman Reigns. The big yin launched Punk towards The Shields corner. All 3 of the boayzies get a shot of leathering Punk, Ambrose in particular providing a doing that wis pleasing tae aw the senses.
Punk rallies a bit, then gets his heid tore af his shooders wae a huge lariat fae big Reigns. Punks dwelling near the announce table, n looks like he's about tae catch a spear, but the bold yin moves oot the road and sends Reigns flyin over the table wae much authority. Much pain for Reigns. Reigns is close tae getting counted oot, but he drags his limp body back intae the ring and fisticuffs ensue. Reigns manages tae stumble over to the corner, n get Rollins in, but yer man is nearly on the receiving end of a GTS right away, before Ambrose intervenes, gien Rollins enough time deliver a stoater of a kick tae Punks heid.
With Reigns down and out, Punk knocks Ambrose aff the apron and that seemingly leaves him one on one wae Rollins. Big kick tae the melt gets him a near fall, before he strings together some double axe handles, and a wee heel kick, and then that braw swinging neckbreaker that is so often mistimed by his opponents, but Rollins always seems tae time it just right. Punk goes up for the Flying Elbow, but Rollins got up so he got crossbodied instead. Anaconda Vice is locked in next but Ambrose disnae allow that madness tae continue for long. Ambrose takes Punk up top, and Punk looks oot the game, but he somehow summons up enough energy tae heider Deano tae he faws doon.
Then a finish that wis so pretty, I wanted tae repeatedly smudge rid lipstick oan its face while I pumped it front of a bathroom mirror...I mean eh...suhin. Punk hits Rollins wae a GTS first, before getting Ambrose up for the same move, only for Ambrose tae squirm oot, and Roman Reigns tae jump oota naewhere and accidentally spear him clean oot his boots when he was gaun for Punk. Wae a broad smile on his melt, Punk covers Ambrose for the win. Jist as good as I thought it wid be so it wis, and perhaps I'm wrang about it being too soon for Reignsy tae turn face. It seems tae be heading that way.

AJ Lee vs Nataya (Divas Title Match)

This was a thing of beauty in so many ways. For me it wis the second best match of the night btw. Only bested by DBry vs The Wyatts, cause of the storytelling mate. It astounds me that not everyone is intae whit AJ Lee does, because she's been on fire as a character for months now, and given the right opponent, in the right setting she can work a fuckin beautiful match. Nattie is that right opponent and the result here wis jist fuckin......I don't even huv the wo.....whit?
Side headlock takedown, and a wee bitta armbar action fae Nattie kicks us off, then a wee snapmare closely followed by a dropkick. Tamina sticks her beautiful big nose in it, and AJ tries tae hit a baseball slide aff the distraction but Nattie caught her and send her fleein intae the barriers. Back in the ring AJ stomps Nattie out in the corner. Nattie hits yer Northern Lights Suplex, followed by a Snap Suplex and a Sitout Slam and it looks like the title change everyone expected tae happen wis about tae occur. Of course the Sharpshooter is locked in next, but AJ fights ootae that, before locking in yon Black Widow outta naewhere, but Nattie isnae yer average daft Diva, n she fights out of it. Fuckin gid tae see that Black Widow hing actually countered, I've always thought it looked pish. Natty gets up, and channels her inner Joe Coffey when she gets a beauty of a spinning lariat before gien it that wide eyed stare of someone who knows they're about to win a belt. Sharpshooter is locked in and....but wait, it wisnae fuckin locked in ataw, AJ pulls Natties hair and rolls her up for a quick pin. As content as I would have been with ma wee Nattie taking the belt, I loved the finish here and AJ is the only relevant divas champion there's been in the past 5 year that isnae called Beth Pheonix. Loved this match hunners n millions so I did. If you didnae then yer probably a racist or something. I dunno whit else tae tell ye brother.

Big E Langston vs Damien Sandow (IC Title Match)

Smashin match. I'm still no entirely sure why Damien Sandow isnae further up the card. I dunno why they gave him the MITB briefcase and had him lose every match he wis in for whit felt like aboot 6 months. I can only tell ye whit I dae know, and that's that Damien Sandow is the da. He's no ma da, but he's your da, n yer best pals da, n yer maws da. He's jist the da. Big E is pretty fuckin da-ish himself right enough, n the boays waste nae time in trying tae hit their finishers, but both the Big Ending and You're Welcome are blocked. Sandow sends Big E fleein intae a pole on the outside, before landing that elbow wae an extra helping of disdain. Fuckin aw the disdain ye could stomach withoot warmin up yer belly wae crisps aforehand. Big shoulder barge in the corner fae Big E is followed by a beaut of a dropkick fae Sandow, before ma mainest man Big E hits a fuckin Electric Chair of aw the things. Always been intae that move, and I'm intae Big E and his dids mare than aw the things, so I shot a wee load err it. Big lariat and a belly tae belly, with followed by a Big Splash, but Sandow counters the second attempt at the Big Ending. Another You're Welcome attempt is reversed intae a Big Ending attempt, which wis reversed intae a rollup and cunts were daein a lot of fuckin reversals basically. Nae reversals are possible once Big E pulls the straps doon and lets they wee nips oot for the world to behold, and with the dids on display, Big E finally gets the job done wae his third attempt at the Big Ending. Nuhin much else tae be sayin about that really, it wis fuckin braw.

The Rhodes Brerrs vs Rybaxel vs The Real Americans vs Rey n Show (Elimination match for the WWE Tag Titles)

Ryback is in wae Cody tae kick things off, and I may be paraphrasing here, but I'm pretty sure he challenges Goldy tae "mix it up with the big guy!" They mix it briefly, before Goldy gets in wae Axel next n hits an unspeakably braw dropkick. Coupla big rib shattering slaps tae Axels daft chest fae yer Big Show, then a third yin that sent his spleen fleein clean oot his probably square arsehole. Ryback gets in there wae Goldy and catches some jabs, followed by a spinebuster. Ryback goes for a powerbomb but Goldy rolls oot and rolls square dids up for the 3 count. Oot yees go Rybaxel. Nae belts for you the day.
With the threat of they two wankstains taking the belts eliminated, we can aw sit back n relax. Even if Rey n Show were tae take the belts, ye assume they'd be transitional champs so its nae big deal meht. A big clothesline fae Swagger that just aboot took Goldy oot his boots announced The Real Americans arrival in this match. They get Goldy isolated, cauld and feart, before he fought oot the corner wae some big rights. Cesaro stops that wee rally in its tracks wae a brain meltingly gid gutwrench suplex, before Swaggerless chokes Goldy oot on the ropes. Goldust gets close tae the tag, but Swagger pulls him away, only for Goldy tae erupt oo the corner wae the back elbow. Cesaro gets in and once again stops Goldy ettin the tag, before gien the poor bastard some swings. Only 4 or 5 of them but, cause ye've got tae respect the Gold. Yon double team leapfrog intae the double foot stomp fae Cesaro followed, and it looks like we're gonnae be due new champs as Goldys fading by the minute. He eventually gets tae the corner, but Sleekit Swagger pulls Cody aff the apron n he cannae get the tag. He gets over that mild disappointment fairly quick when he only goes n hits a fuckin Hurricanrana on Cesaro. Cunts 44 years of age and hes bustin oot ranas, wid bring a tear tae a gless eye so it wid. Goldy hits a powerslam and decides he needs oot that ring quicksharp, so he tags in Show. The big yin knocks Swagger clean oot, before catching Cesaro comin aff the ropes wae a knockout punch anaw and that wis it fur the Real Americans.
Then something really fuckin...nice, happened. Incredibly stupid, but still nice. With Goldust struggling in the corner, Show approaches tae make sure hes awrite, n then he actually helps him tae his feet. I ken yer a face n that big yin, but you n gommy knees huv a coupla belts tae win.
When the wrasslin starts back up again, Goldust amazingly manages tae take Show aff his feet wae a crossbody. Shows chokeslam attempt is reversed intae a DDT, afore Cody gets in and tries yon disaster kick but Show slapped him stupid.
Then wee Rey got in, and as much as I respect the wee man, I'm bored ae it. Seated Senton, 619. some kicks. Cody hits the disaster kick but Rey kicks oot and sets up for the 619. He gets both Cody and Goldy set up for it, but Cody rolls oot n he hits Goldy instead. Rey gets a near fall on Cody back in the ring, before Cody goes for the Cross Rhodes, only fur Rey tae reverse intae a 619 attempt. It looks like its about tae land, but Cody catches Reys broken wee legs, and hits the Cross Rhodes at the second attempt. Rhodezies retain.
Cracker of a match, a lot better than I expected considering the presence of Rybaxel, so nae arguments fae me aboot the outcome. I still expect The Rhodezies tae drap the belts soon and get intae a singles feud, but if ye ask me, the boayz that should be getting them are yer Usos. Widnae be surprised tae see them take the belts at the Rumble, and that gies Cody n Goldy a high profile event tae split up at. Aye that wid be most good. Lets dae that, and then lets roast some marshamallas over an open fire and chat about how braw it wis.

Broadus Clay vs R-Truth

So much of this kin get tae fuck. Firstly, after weeks of him batterin Xavier Woods for nae real reason, why does Broadus eventually huv his full heel turn against I(R)relevant-Truth? Secondly, why the fuck did Tensai abandon him cause he wis dominating the match? well he intervenes when Broadus is daein whit hes supposed tae be daein, and knockin the shite oota Truth, before Broadus blurts oot "I'm better than you!" leading tae Tensai being the huffy wee cherub n getting himself oota there. Then the Funkadactyls kinda wandered away, Truth uses the distraction tae scud Broady in one of his chins, and picks up the win. Broadus Clay has nae pals, and I have nae fuckin idea why this wis squeezed on tae the main card. Lawd have mercy.

The Miz vs Kofi Kingston

This anaw. I realise The Miz has a Christmas film oot, n they want tae keep his name somewhat relevant but yer daein that at the expense of putting on gid wrestling shows, cause his fuckin coupon puts a dampener on....everythin. It puts a dampener on life.. See if they employed Arnie and the Christmas film they were trying tae plug wis Jingle Aw The Way 2, then im fine wae it. I'd love nuhin merr than tae see big Arnie stick his thumb in Kofis eye, while the wee boy who played his son in the first yin distracts the ref by makin a replica of Danny Dyer oota balloons, but that's no whit went down ataw. Instead Kofi and Miz worked the same fairly entertaining but ultimately futile match they huv been for the past month, and Kofi won wae Trouble In Paradise. Best part of this whole feud has been Booker Ts daft coupon when he wis trying tae split the boayz up during their wee pre-show brawl. He could tell he wis well informed aboot whit wis gonnae go down, n had been practicing his "daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!" face in the mirror. Whit a fuckin man.

Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family

This match, and everythin it represents is why I'll always look back on 2013 as a braw year for WWE, cause even when ye take into consideration some of the erratic booking, and burial of guys who deserve so much more, this wis story-telling and in-ring psychology at its finest. This wis Bray Wyatt letting anyone who didnae quite buy intae what he's all about know, that he's gonnae be a big deal. He's gonnae be a guy who can main event ppvs and naecunt will ever utter the words "fuckin Bray in the main event again?" Cause it can never get auld. No when his character has such depth, and his work continues tae feel fresh, even if he's doing similar stuff. Him and Dean Ambrose have the potential tae carry this company for the next 10 years or more, if they have the faith put in them that they need, and colour me optimistic, but I think it'll happen. Cesaro anaw, basically a timeshare between they 3, Daniel Bryan and CM Punk, involving aw the belts and Natalya Neidhardt. Lets make it happen.
Bryan starts this aff wae Rowan, and as usual he works wae him brilliantly. Rowan is the only one of The Wyatts I still have my doubts about, but when ye put him in there wae Bryan, he looks like a real wrassler as opposed tae a glaikit plank ah wid wae a magnificent beard. Harper gets in and gets kicked in the chest a lot, but before Bryan can even wind up for the big roundhouse, Harper knocks him aw the way tae Boxing Day with a big right haun. Rowan gets back in and lands the poor lad right on his spine wae a coupla scoop slams, cause if there's one move Erick Rowan is extremely proficient in, its the scoop slam. He be scoopin, and slammin aw the cunts. All day. Harper lands a braw sitout powerbomb after Rowan had flung Bryan aboot 40 feet in the air and drove him face first intae the mat. Sare dunts aw roon.
This was all fairly standard stuff so far, and then Bray got in, and redefined whit the word "standard" means. He screams at oor DBry about how the boayzies "coulda been pals, but instead now I'm gonnae run intae ye wae a big clothesline in the corner at a speed that science dictates a man my size shouldnae be able tae reach" Bray Wyatt is proof that ye can be kinda fat, but as long as yer broad shoodered, bearded and deceptively quick, ye'll huv wee durties queuing up for a shot of the magic stick.
Knees, jabs and heidbutts in the corner followed by a suplex throw which I'm fairly certain briefly killed Daniel Bryan. Killed uhm stone deid. Then Bray put any concerns of him being injured tae bed by doing that fuckin crab walk hing for a gid 20 seconds, providing me with my first ever fearful stauner. Imagine having an erection that isnae quite sure why its erect, the uncertainty wis almost overwhelming. I re-composed mysell but, and continued watching the match. I re-joined it tae Harper daein the gator roll, before Bray gets back in, and gets super shouty once more. This time he offers Bryan a chance at redemption, take my hand Daniel and this can all go away, we can bring this place to its knees together! but Danny once again refuses. Kicks his haun, so Bray comes fleein aff the ropes only to be met with some Daniel Bryan offense! he only gets a few jabs in and Brays knocked him tae the ground wae a big elbow. Big Harper gets his back in, and gets in amongst it wae a powerbomb, followed by a big boot which DBry ducked, and all of a sudden we get a flurry of gidness fae The Beard that makes ye think he might actually fuckin dae the business here. Dropkicks send Bray and Rowan aff the apron, and another yin shatters a few of Harpers ribs as hes stuck in the corner, before Bryan hoists the big lump up tae the top rope for a backdrop. The crowd erupts wae YES! chants, and Harper is subjected tae yon chest kicks, then the big roundhouse, and finally the flying headbutt.
Rowan breaks the pin attempt, so he gets tangled up in the ropes for his troubles and kicked daft. On the other side of the ring, Harpers tagged Bray in, but DBry spots it and knees Bray in the chops, afore sending Harper and Rowan flying oot towards the announce table. A rollup attempt on Bray brings a 2 count, before the boayzies run the ropes, and DBry does that braw wee spot where he ducks some kind of attempt tae decapitate him, before hitting a suicide dive on some poor unsuspecting cunt on the outside. That cunt wis Luke Harper, and the suicide dive sent him flying intae Mikey Coles cupasoup, but that wis tae be the last highlight for our wee Daniel.
A missile dropkick is followed by a blocked YES! lock attempt, and Bray picks Bryan up for the most emphatic of aw the Sister Abigails tae date so far. Job done. Bray cradles Bryan afterwards like a newborn, wae his eyes almost apologetic. The devil made him do it.

John Cena vs Blandy Nae-eyes Rapeyface Snoreton (TLC World Title Unification Match)

I dunno if anycunt reads these reviews as opposed tae watching the show, and I always bear that in mind n try tae paint ye a wee picture of how the match went afore gien away the finish, but I cannae dae that here. Well I could, but I refuse, cause the finish tae this fuckin killed me deid. Admittedly I did get the type of finish I wis after, as there wisnae any uncertainty involved in it, but dae ye know whit fuckin wis involved? Blandy Snoreton and his oily melt becoming the undisputed world champion. Berty Naebelts couldnae even get on the card and hes one of the best wrestlers in the company, but Orton leaves wae aw the belts. Fuckin get that tae fuck, and never stop getting it tae fuck, and when it reaches fuck, set it on fuckin fire and kick it aff the end of fuck so it tumbles intae the fiery abyss. This match wis enjoyable btw, I advise ye tae watch it if ye want any specifics but, cause aw I'm reviewing is how it ended and the fact that cunts got scudded wae weapons a lot. Here we go.

Basicsally, cunts got scudded wae Tables, Ladders and Chairs a fair bit (LIKE THE NAME OF THE PPV! OMG, I JUST GOT THAT!!) and also steel steps. There wis various spots involving these weapons, some of which looked really sare, one of them wis an AA through the announce table, that wis awrite I spose, there wis a spear through a normal table anaw. Then Orton handcuffed Super Cena tae the turnbuckle n scudded him wae ladder a lot, before the cunt actually pulled the fuckin turnbuckle aff, much tae my personal relief cause that meant that he wis probably gonnae still win. The lesser of two ultimately very evil outcomes. But naw. Snoreton sends him flyin and Cena lands wae his heid perched next tae a table. Orton considers climbing aff the ladder n punting Cenas heid through the table, but common sense prevails as he reaches up, grabs baith belts and that's fuckin IT. There wis still 12 minutes left n aw that happened after that wis Vince, Steph n The Beak comin oot n congratulating the cunt. Get tae fuck.

7 spike piledrivers oota 10 for the brawness that occurred before the main event. Could easily have been a lot higher if there wisnae 2 Smackdown matches in the middle, and an ending that filled me wae nuhin but dejection. An ending which lacked in hustle, loyalty or respect.



Saturday, December 14, 2013

WWE TLC 2013 Preview


I've went fae complete and utter dejection as this Unification angle, tae actually looking forward tae the match a wee bit. Providing that this is the fuckin end here of course. If they drag this shit oot aw the way tae Mania, and we get Nae eyes vs Nae right tae huv a belt in the first place, at Mania then I'll allow mysell tae be upset again, but as hings are the noo, I'm gonnae assume that the belts will be unified the night, Daniel Bryan will win the Unified belt at the Rumble, n defend it against Royal Rumble winner CM Punk. In a 90 minute Iron Man match, which somehow involves ladders, and Chris Hero. No askin too much is it?

Anyway. TLC n that.

Pre-Show - Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango

Ridiculous that these boays have nae momentum right now. Fandango vs DBry on RAW wis a cracker, and Ziggler vs anycunt is always good, so this will be worth yer time. I still hold oot a wee bit of hope that we can get these two getting a wee mid card push at least, although if ye ask me Ziggler n DBry should be gied AW THE BELTS tae distribute between them as they wish.

AJ vs Natalya (Divas Title Match)

Got a feeling ma wee Natty is taking the belt here troops, and its gonnae be magnificent. Mibbe a wee face turn fae Tamina tae help her out? Either way its gonnae be a stone cold stoater of a match, cause there's nae Smellas involved, and they can both go. Well AJ's awrite compared to the rest, and Nattie is a goddess in every way shape, and magnificent form. Natty tae take the belt via sharpshooter.

Big E Langston vs Damien Sandow (IC Title Match)

Yer dark horse for MOTN here. Sandow has been fuckin brilliant since his failed cash-in against Cena which makes ye wonder 2 hings. Firstly, why did he no win the belt when he cashed in and we'd have a relevant, fresh champion as opposed tae a tired re-hashed feud tae unify the belts. Secondly, why in the name of Christ wis he taken oot the picture completely, and shoehorned back intae the midcard even though he outgrew it aboot a year an a hauf ago? its find mind boggling, but I've enjoyed his wee back n forth wae Big E over the past 3 weeks, so this'll be gid. Would be pointless tae huv the big yin drap the belt though, unless they're fast tracking him tae better things, so Big E and his wonderful shimmering chebs will retain.

Goldust and Cody vs Rybaxel, vs Rey and Show vs The Real Americans (Tag Title Match)

The fact that The Usos urnae involved in this, but square dids and Shite-iss Shitezel are makes me yon simmering kinda angry, where yer fairly certain it'll no come tae anything, but if somedy pushed the right button its MURDERIN time. Naw look, I jest, its only wrestling so it is, I'm no that kinda fan. I just write the slangy reviews wae aw the humour, I'm a jovial chap. Seriously. When I've hud ma medicine anyway, I'm dead nice. Got the feelin that the Rhodesy Boayz are dropping the belts here, and we'll see the start of a Brother vs Brother feud between them which will culminate at Mania. Wis really hoping it wid be The Usos who'd take the belts next, but is its Tony and Jack I'll no be too upset. If its Rybotchel or ReyShow then there's a fair chance I'm burnin suhin tae the ground. Dunno whit yet. Might be ma hoose, might be a phone box, might be YOUR hoose. Ye never can tell.

Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family

Genuinely got nae real prediction for this. Nuhin that widnae largely be guess work. I think we can aw agree it'll be a joy to behold wrasslin wise, cause Bryan has been workin wae Harper and Rowan quite beautifully of late. Is there any real chance of him joining the beardy brotherhood? I kinda hope no, cause it would mean there's somedy mare high profile than Bray in the group, and focus wid inevitably shift tae DBry. Naw, we want this angle wrapped up the night I hink, DBry back tae the the top end of the card, and The Wyatts gaun on tae feud wae The Shield. I fancy DBry to get the win after some kinda misunderstanding between the Wyatts boays leads tae two of them getting ko'd. Doubt he'll pin Bray right enough, might make big Harper tap or suhin but. Ideal world they'd sack the wrasslin n braid each others beards, but we don't live in an ideal world. If we lived in an ideal world, Sellik wid win the Champions League at least once every 5 years, and nae conversations wid ever be aboot whoever the fuck Katie Hopkins is.

CM Punk vs The Shield

As much as I love The Wyatts, I reckon this handicap match will be the superior wan in a wrasslin sense. I'll always mind how great The Shield vs Dolph wis on RAW, so they obviously have a good feel for the psychology of this kinda match, as long as they're given the right opponent. A lot of folk think this is where The Shield disbands, but I cannae see it. I think they'll be together tae Mania at least, and a 6 man tag wae The Wyatts will be on the horizon. I reckon big Reigns goes over here, getting the pin after The Shield come together as a unit tae batter the living shite oota ma main man Punk. Sorry Punk mate, ye'll win The Royal Rumble but, so its nae big deal. Take a few dunts here n smile while ye dae it.

John Cena vs Randy Orton (TLC Match to Unify the World Titles)

This'll be no bad, I don't like whit it represents in terms of it meaning Blandy Orton and Cena are at the top end of the card, but if it means Cena unifies the belts, and immediately drops them tae Bryan, then im awrite wae it. That prolly wont be the case but, there will be shenanigans, there will be hi-jinks, the betls probably wont get unified for some Triple H based reason, and it'll aw be up in the air till Mania. No even got the will tae write any merr about this. Please let this be the end.

Overall I'm intae it. Card's gid for the most part. I expect tae be pleased by the wrasslin, and not so thrilled by some of the booking. Usual story really.

Enjoy TLC responsibly, in the presence of at least one semi functional adult, or a particularly bright dug.



Friday, December 13, 2013

WWE Smackdown Review 13/12/2013

Daniel Bryan vs Erick Rowan

I'll never fuckin tire of this shit. Never. Wrestling shows starting wae wrestling matches is my favourite hing oot and IT KEEPS FUCKIN HAPPENING. I ken its cause they seem tae want Unification patter tae close the show these days, but still. If yer show starts wae Daniel Bryan wrasslin cunts, then its a show I'm gonnae watch with much erections. A big canvas bag fulla stauners. Chuckin them aw err the camp. I love the way he works wae the two big lumps that urnae called "Bray" in The Wyatt Family anaw. Harper in particular, but he always brings the best oot in his big upside doon heided ginger pal anaw. A big bastardin bearhug fae Rowan, is countered wae a missile dropkick fae DBry as business sterted tae pick-up. We got chest kicks fae Bryan, followed by the big roundhouse tae the side of Rowans dome. The Harper jumped ontae the apron and caught a dropkick for his troubles, before DBry slips oot of a powerslam attempt, and runs the ropes, eventually hitting Harper wae a suicide dive. Mind altering brawness. He then pulls the bottom rope doon on Rowan and looks tae be gaun for the double suicide dive, but Bray trips him n that's game, set n match. Bryan wins by DQ. Had the feeling that wae Bray out there this wisnae gonnae end cleanly.

Bray settles back intae his seat, seemingly prepared tae watch his minions batter Bryan stupid, n use his beard as handlebars when they inevitably take him backstage tae ride uhm, but Danny turns the tables! Evades their attacks, before fleein tae the outside a knockin Bray right oot his chair wae a flyin knee! Mag-fuckin-ificent.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes vs The Real Americans

13 minutes intae the show and I'd already seen Daniel Bryan, The Wyatts, Goldust, Cody and Cesaro. Smackdown ya wee midden, yer spoilin me this week! Braw armdrag takedown fae Goldy on Cesaro. These boayz need tae huv a singles match asap btw. It wid jist work so it wid. Cody dodges the Swagger Bomb, and gets tae Goldy for a tag, before Goldy unleashes aw the classics. Uppercut tae the jaw, inverted atomic drop, and a wee spinebuster, but Cesaro gets a blind tag during the whole routine, and in comes the bold yin. Cesaro sends Goldust tae the outside, and near takes his beautiful gold heid aff wae a sbrutal clothesline, and when we get back fae the break, even Swagger's kickin poor Goldys cunt in. Cesaro gets in and gets tae uppecuttin, before sending Goldy in Swaggers direction for a topper for a belly to belly suplex. Goldust gies us a wee selling masterclass here, cause he manages tae fight back, but he looks totally fucked. Hits a wee shoulderblock aff the second rope, but even that's executed quite knackeredly. Gies him a wee opening for a tag, but he jist cannae move, he finally crawls tae the corner an Cody gets in there was Cesaro. Alabama Slam fae Cody is delivered BIG TYME, but Tony reaches the bottom rope afore the three count, then it aw went that usual way wee tag matches go these days. Fuckin frenetic action. Cesaro ducks the disaster kick and goes for the swings, but Goldy stops his wee brerr getting spun tae fuck, afore Cesaro send him fleein oot the ring, then gets caught wae a second attempt at the disaster kick. Swagger breaks up the pin attempt, and Cody sends them baith outside, afore hittin a springboard crossbody. He then goes up top lookin tae put yer Real Americans tae bed, but Swagger tickles his leg, and aff that distraction Cesaro his and unspeakably brilliant Uppercut fae the top rope tae gie The Real Americans a win over the tag champs. Looks like the boayzies will be comin up aff the belts soon, perhaps leading tae a feud between them leading tae a Wrestlemania match? we can only link airms, pull together our collective hopes and dreams and pray tae the big man upstairs that this shit goes down like that.

Theres wee promo bits throughout the show aboot Cena n Ortons match at TLC, jist letting yees know cause journalistic integrity n that, but I don't gie a fuck. I know they've baith won hunners of belts, n Orton punted Cenas da once. Big whoop. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY BOAYZIES?

Bad News Barrett time? startin tae properly love this new gimmick so I uhm, I popped hard when the crowd are getting unruly and he called for "Decorum please!" before delivering this weeks bad news. The bad news is that we're aw a bunch of losers, who are forced tae like vicariously through a winner like Bad News Barrett, which is the fairest point any human has ever made.

Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow

Big E on commentary anaw. This Smackdown is fuckin too gid. I cannae even deal wae how much I'm intae it. Mark Henry dumps Sandow on the outside, afore askin him is "that's all you got?" and eh...well it wis. He took the countout, whilst pointin tae Big E, signifying that he's no got the energy fur two cunts that could deadlift a Range Rover, so he'll save his energies fur Big E at TLC on Sunday. Big E sends Damo back intae the ring fur a big diddy hit aff Mark Anyway, before the intellectual saviour of the masses gets himself tae fuck. Big E chases efter him but we never did get tae see if he caught him. That'll keep me up the night so it will.

Tamina and AJ vs The Smellas

In too good a mood tae pay full attention tae the work of The Smellas, so I'll tell ye how it ended eh. Brie Smella tapped tae the Black Widow after some shenanigans that involved the Bellas stumbling aboot lookin steamin. Natty wis on commentary, and as she always diz, looked fuckin incredible. I want tae split a strawberry milkshake wae her, ehn I want tae paint her whilst we're baith partially clothed.

Jahnnnn Ceeeeeeeeena promo. His promo tae end RAW wis a belter, but I prefer it when he has someone tae interact wae in a promo. This is awrite for a solo wan though, some of his solo wans have been fuckin stinkin in the past. He gets intae aw that "street" patter, and says Orton has a glass jaw. Johnny Cena's gonnae tap that jaw. He says if Orton gets hit wae a chair, or gets pit through a table, that's him done. If it happens tae Cena HE GETS BACK UP! and he yammers on like that for a wee while longer. The champ is here. Etc etc. This wis Cena by numbers tbh, wisnae feelin it much ataw apart fae the glass jaw crack.

Rollins n Reigns vs The Usos

Cunts have spoke aboot feelin a bit fatigued wae these matches. Like they're being exposed tae too much of these top boayzies daein aw the gid wrasslin. To those people, I'd like tae offer them a coke, a smile and a cordial invitation tae shut the fuck up. A wee leapfrog fae Rollins is followed by an uppercut fae Jimmy or Jey, and while this happened, Dean Ambrose wis gien it patter on commentary about "not being fooled by our boyish good looks, we're not gonna show Punk any mercy" and hearing Dean Ambrose say "boyish good looks" gied me a visceral, almost orgasmic wee burst ah joy. Reigns gets tae leatherin his cousin, perhaps Jimmy, maybe Jey, does it really matter? it wis an Uso shaped man, and he wis in a chinlock. Then he got floored wae a clothesline, making it a fairly traumatic 20 second period for the boy. Rollins gets tagged in, and attempts a double team wae Reigns, but JeyMaybeJimmy kicks Reigns in the heid, sends Rollins flyin over the top rope, before planting his cousin on the dome wae a spike DDT. Uppercut fae Jimmy(might've been Jey, im no sure ;) ) afore he done yon move where he flings his opponent 10 mile in the air, n catches him wae the Samoan Drop. Then a whole lot of fuckin activity occurred that I struggled tae keep up wae, but the main hing ye should take fae this, is that Rollins gets majorly cheeky wae a wee CM Punk impression as he signals its time fur Jimmy or Jey tae go tae sleep, but instead of delivering a GTS, he sends an Uso right intae big Romans path for another vertebrae shatterer of a spear. Lights oot. Shield get the win. If that wisnae wonderful enough, there's CM Punk on the titantron!

CM Punk gies it the usual patter that gies ye aw they butterflies in yer stomach. if fails to give ye said butterflies yer dead inside. Should probably consult a medical professional about that. He talks about exposing The Shields weaknesses, and pretty much looks as menacing as a man can look while taping his hauns up. Ends it by urging us all to "Believe! in the best in the world!" I saw his face. Now I'm a believer.

Ryback vs Big Show

Properly gid episode of Smackdown this had been. Then this happened. This wis a lot better than I expected when it happened on RAW, but I cannae even begin tae explain how little I cared about it this time. Only happened tae set up a wee flurry of action at the end tae help build up the recently announced Fatal 4 Way match for the tag belts at TLC. Show pits Ryback tae bed wae a chokeslam, Axel gets fresh and gets 619'ed aff Rey then knocked clean oot by Show. I didnae care so hard, I went numb fae the waist doon briefly.

Ooft I didnae think we were getting storytime wae Bray this week! but there he is on the titantron. Screamin aboot how he's been such a fool tae put his neck on the line for Daniel Bryan. He's gonnae make him walk wae the reaper and leave this world behind. Mibbe Brays the reaper? who kens, it wis braw anyway. As much beauty as ye can cram intae a minute withoot pullin a diddy oot.

Kofi wis supposed tae wrestle Del Rio, but Miz attacked him fae behind and it never happened. Such a waste of fuckin time, it wis almost obscene. It made me think of when Sabu put himself through a table at ICW, purely cause it made me want tae put mysell through a fuckin table. So much. Such pain.

The show ended wae Orton trudging oot tae apologise tae The Authority fur knockin Steph oot. I loved the end of RAW cause it managed tae pull aw the potentially explosive elements of this TLC match intae one neat package but see when ye separate them? fuckin ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Triple H is there tae. I don't gie a flying fuck. The Daniel Bryan chants start again cause the fans fuckin DEMAND he returns tae the mountain top. best for business patter, n Trips ends it wae an open ended statement about him "knowing where their faith lies" see cause he didnae say a name, that means it could be Orton or Cena! haha SO FUCK

Loved the first hour and a half of Smackdown this week, but the last half hour wis the maist futile waist of anyones time in the prestigious history of time wasting. So fur that reason, this weeks Smackdown drops back tae a moderate 7 tiger suplexes oota 10.

Safety first. The team-work.

Kurt Angle eatin a cornetto.




Tuesday, December 10, 2013

WWE RAW Review 09/12/2013

Ken its the slammys, so I spose the whole show wis gonnae be wan big promo really, but I cannae help but huv a bendy pulsating stauner over this trend of WWE starting wrestling shows wae actual wrestling matches as opposed tae some cunt talkin shite aboot best for business, face of the company or whitever irrelevant patter black hole WWE are going wae for their main storyline. Wrestling matches wae a referee, and use of the ring bell and aw that gid stuff. Wrasslin shows starting wae matches is the maist natural thing in the world, mare natural than Jerry Lawlers aptitude fur losing interest in burds when they turn 18.

Daniel Bryan vs Fandango

I dunno why this happened, but jings, if it wisnae fuckin superb, me n you huv different ideas as tae whit that word means. Some chops fae Fandango and a cheeky jab or three, before Dbry gets in amongst the chest kicks, and a wee bitta surfboard action. Well he attempted it, but yer man Johnny Curtis wis huvin nane ae it, so Dbry done a wee bunny hop wae the legs locked in and burst Fandangos knees. A touch of the suicide dives followed fae DBry, then a wee dropkick up against the barricade and it looks like DBrys got this shit in the fuckin bag son. Comes aff the tap rope but Fandango caught it intae a beauty of a powerbomb. Yer man looks like he's in fur a shock win, but it wis never happenin really wis it? I mean ye can go for yon top rope legdrop aw ye want Mr Curtis, but ye were always gonnae miss, Danny wis always gonnae hit the diving heidbutt, and then a flying knee wis always gonnae put ye tae bed. Gid effort but.

Bray appears on yer titantron after the match, and I dunno why, but this yin in particular almost upset me wae how gid it wis. Its too much. I'm jist a boay. I cannae handle aw the braw words, and the bone chilling beardy delivery that comes wae them. Bryans resistance tae join the boayzies has left Bray frustrated, so he twisted Mason Ryans heid aff his shooders and booted it in the Clyde. Theres nae fairytales in Brays world, and if Daniel continues tae resist, this story is gonnae end the way it started. Wae Daniel Bryan feeling the warm, seductive embrace of Sister Abigail. Notice how yer man disnae ask DBry tae follow the buzzards btw? nut, this is a more personal hing. He disnae want a follower wae Daniel Bryan, he wants an ally. A comrade who can help him bring the company tae its knees. He asks him once more tae join them, but DBry gets a "no!" chant on the go, cause he cannae be fucked really. Happy daein his ain thing. Huvin the beard n daein the beautiful wrasslin n slingin it up the marginally less shite Bella. Its no the worst ah lifes tae be leadin is it.

Jerry Lawler n Booker T are hosting the Slammys. Jerry Lawlers facial expression these days is a seemingly permanent mixture of constipated and trying tae remember where he parked his motor. Also, here's The New Age Outlaws wearing the suits Jim Carrey n Jeff Daniels wear in dumb n dumber! cept Bad Influence awready used this patter on TNA aboot 6 weeks ago. They're presenting the award for the LOL moment of the year, so that meant The Road Dogg hud tae say LOL a lot and that made me die inside a wee bit. They have three words for us! The nominees are.....who gies a fuck. The Rock won wae his wee ditty aboot Vickie Guerrero. Vickie collected the award on The Rocks behalf and tellt us aw shes a wee ride. I respectfully disagree hen, well done oan bein Eddies wife for ages but. A wee "one more match" chant for the Outlaws anaw, and as nice as that wis, I'd like a hunner mare matches if possible. Couldnae gie a fuck if they're auld, they huv and probably always will be my favourite tag team.

Damien Sandow vs Santino

Big E was on commentary so we got a smidgen of gidness here. Match wis actually ok, particularly liked the finish when Santino is gaun for the cobra, but Sandow does a mad leg sweep that looked lit an involuntary break dancing spasm, before hittin You're Welcome for the win. Him n Big E huv a wee staredoon afterwards, and Big E makes Damo shite himself. Classic Big E. Charisma, intimidation and diddies fur everyone. Yer Da's auld bowling shirt jist fur the hoes.

The Shield are next tae present a Slammy for the double cross of the year, n they were aw wearing suits. I'm a heterosexual man, but I wid absolutely huv rode them aw. Widnae huv got aff Dean Amrbose fur a pish, even if I really really needed tae dae a pish. 2013 wis the year of The Shield they say, and naecunt wid dare tae double cross them cause THEY AINT GOT ENOUGH HEART. This wis actually a Slammy I cared about a wee bit, cause it had Mark Henrys promo when he turned on Cena after his retirement patter in it, and that wis perhaps my favourite promo in the past 10 years. Its up there anyway. A fuckin stoater. HBK turning on Daniel Bryan won it though, and he's there tae personally accept the award. The mare I see of HBK the mare I think him vs Daniel Bryan is a genuine possibility for WM30 and that makes me want tae link arms wae yees aw and bask in our collective joy.

The Miz vs Kofi Kingston

The honest truth here is that these two huv fantastic chemistry together. Truly bring the best out in each other and I've never gied less of a fuck aboot any aspect of human life. Miz won wae a cheeky rollup n got Trouble In Paradise'd intae next month. NEXT.

The Bellas won Diva of The Year. If this doesnae fill ye with an incurable sadness then yer a wrang un. A poor excuse for a human. Find yer nearest shark infested body of water n hurl yersell intae it please.

Rey, Show, Cody and Goldy vs Rybaxel and The Real Americans

Fuckin Rybaxel hahaha. That's whit these two diddy rides are calling themselves. If these cunts get the tag belts next, I swear tae god, the whole game's rigged. Cesaro n Goldy hud a beautiful wee exchange of their talents here, which culminated in a Goldy powerslam. Cesaro tags Swagger in but yer Goldy hits them wae a double DDT and gets his brerr in, and Cody jist went full blown radje on Axel. Missile dropkick, moonsault, uppercuts n aw that. Big Show knocks everycunt no cawed Axel intae next week, then Cody n Rey combined wae some Disaster Kickin n 619'in and the faces go over.

No a bad wee match really. Aw the wrasslin tae this point had been fuckin braw. Even that Kofi Mizston irrelevance. See when the wrasslins gid at least, ye can suffer through aw the other shite. Aw the stuff they want ye tae care about but naecunt really does. Lit Eve Torres presenting the Diva Of The Year award. I jist remembered that happened cause that's how significant it wis tae anycunt. Total baws.

Shawn Michaels is oot tae present the Superstar Of The Year Slammy, so ye ken right away DBry is winning it. Bryan snatches the award oot HBKs hauns wae such ferocity that it knocked his daft eyes straight. Bryan chats aboot how he widnae be in WWE without HBKs influence, but he wid also be WWE Champion if it wisnae for HBK. 2014 is gonnae be even better than 2013, and tae be frank, the very idea of that gies me an unspeakably warm feeling in the place where ma wullie resides. Daniel Bryan will have his day. A proper wan anaw, where he wins the belt n gets tae keep it for merr than a day, and its gonnae be fuckin beautiful.

Del Rio vs Sin Cara The Sequel

Pretty fuckin gid again. I like this feud cause it means Del Rio isnae anywhere near a belt. Del Rio is a braw wrassler, one of my favourite cunts in WWE wrasslin wise, but hes one of main reasons the World Heavyweight Belt is getting binned. They jist kept gien it tae the cunt n he seemed tae be on a one man crusade tae make it entirely irrelevant. Sin Cara has the audacity tae hit Del Rio wae a chop, so Berty scuds him on the side of the dome wae a kick. Micheal Cole makes reference tae Del Rio no being the same since he drapped the belt, and I swear tae Lucifer he wis a bawhair away fae cawin him Berty NaeBelts. Del Rio slung Sin Cara against the barricade on the outside, a spot that wid have been much more effective if DBry hudnae awready done it tae Fandango earlier in the night, but that wis over an hour ago meht, lets no pick it apart too much. Tornado DDT fae Sin Hunico, followed by some heidscissors and a snazzy wee springboard elbow tae Del Rios chest. Could Sin Cara 2 dae the unthinkable n beat naebelts for the second week running? well...aye. Cause he went n done it. Sorry I didnae keep the suspense gaun a wee bit longer, but also I'm no really sorry, cause I don't care. Swanton hits. Del Rio's doon furra 3 count. Crackin wee match, wrasslin wise this RAW wis daein gid things tae me.

Don't tell anycunt, but aside fae The Divas award, I wisnae hating the Slammys as much as I thought I wid. Daniel Bryan won another yin, The Fan Participation of the year award, cause he achieved his goal of having every living human wae a voicebox chaint "YES!" at some point in the year. Daniel Bryan winning hings is gid, I wid rather it wis belts, but rigged awards will dae as a substitute.

Broadus Clay vs Xavier Woods

Cannae believe they only bumped the hugely talented Xavier Woods tae the main roster tae facilitate a fuckin Broadus Clay heel turn. Does anycunt gie a modicum of a fuck aboot this shite? Broadus hits a splash aff the middle rope and beats Woods within aboot 30 seconds. Batters Woods a wee bit efter it anaw. A heel turn for Broadus is a gid thing like, but if ye find me somedy that cares, ye'll have found me Broadus Clays maw. I'm sure she's a lovely wuman, but I've nae interest in interacting wae the broad.

Stephanie McMahon won insult of the year, cause slapping a giant till a look of unquenchable lust overtakes his usually glaikit lookin coupon is an "insult" these days. The Miz presented it and unleashed aw the worst of the patters. Horrendous stuff. I don't wish any real harm on the cunt, but it wid be kosher if his tongue ceased tae function.

CM Punk vs Dean Ambrose

When matches like this arise, I tend tae get really excited n mibbe write a bit too much aboot them. I feel its important that when geniuses collide, ye get tae hear about it in great detail, jist incase yer daft enough tae miss out on watchin it. I thought aboot mibbe making a conscious attempt no tae ramble on too much here, but im awready gibberin away anyway, so why no keep on keepin on?
Some armbars, chinlocks and a wee shoulderblock fae Ambrose. Armdrag, intae an armbar fae Punk, who wis clearly very familiar wae Y2Js 1001 holds promo fae WCW cause he had pretty much covered aw of them tae this point. Ambrose drags Punk heid first across the tap rope, cause he's a cerebral muhfucka, n that's the kinda sare cheekiness he's intae it. Then a beautifully choreographed wee reversal happened n it made my bellend aww weepy, as Punks crossbody attempt is caught by Deanos knees. Sare dunt for the Punkster. Some chops fae Punk are met war a particularly violent shoulder tae the ribs fae Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose dallies on the apron as The Shield circle the ring, but Punk knocks the cunt aff the apron n hits a suicide dive anyway, cause he's no feart of anycunt. No even a cunt packin a spear that could knock HBKs eyes straight (och here I've awready cracked a joke about hings knockin HBKs eyes straight eh? pick yer favourite n cherish it ma man, cause that's the last ye'll be seein of that patter....tae he appears again at least)
The boays tiptoe towards Punk, and by the time we get back fae the break Ambrose has Punk in a camel clutch. WHIT THE FUCK HAPPENED, HE WIS OOT COLD AFORE THE BREAK. FFS.
Punks ribs are burst tae fuck, but he hits yon Macho Man elbow aff the top rope, before gaun for the GTS, but Ambrose reverses it intae a beauty of a double underhook suplex. Tries tae hit the same move aff the top rope next, but Punk fights oot n hits a crossbody, only fur Ambrose tae roll through it and nearly sneak a win. Another GTS attempt is blocked and Punks sent flying tae the outside, right next tae The Shield boayz. Ambrose isnae keen on them getting involved but, tells them tae huv a coke and a smile, n then they can feel free tae shut the fuck up. They take thersells up the road, and Ambrose eats a GTS. Lights oot. 1,2,3.  Reigns is still hovering aboot though, and he decides tae separate Punks top hauf fae his bottom hauf wae another work of art masquerading as a spear.

No entirely convinced of this Reigns face turn they're kinda teasing, cause he's still a bad bastard so he is. In a gid way, but he's still a nasty big Samoan spear machine. He'd spear yer auld granda if the opportunity presented itself. Even if he's deid. Reignsy widnae be gien a fuck. He's wanna they goffs, but insteada shagging deid folk, he spears them intae next Julaugust.

Fae that almost incomprehensible brawness tae a fuckin Mick Foley appearance. Ye could yase ma stauner a ski slope at this point. Slalom'in doon the fuckin hing wae much joy. Much delight. Micks oot tae present the Slammy for the most extreme moment of the year cause he's hard tae the fuckin core. I don't get many opportunities tae tell everyone how much I love Mick Foley in these reviews cause his appearances are all to infrequent, so I'll tell ye right noo, he's as close tae an idol as it gets for me. A wonderful man, who sacrificed his ain well being a thousand n two times jist tae entertain us aw. Soundest cunt oot tae, I mean his 20 year auld daughter hings aboot wae him willingly still, n shes a stone cold ride, so she could be oot snortin aw the boaby, n pumpin aw the drugs but she choses no tae cause her da is hefty sound and probably gid at Kerplunk.
Punk wins maist extreme moment of the year for scuddin Heyman wae a Kendo Stick a lot, and him and Foley share a wee hug. So lovely. Punk feels strange accepting the award wae nae troosers on, and he thanks Heyman fur bein a gid target. Lovely stuff.

The Wyatts vs The Usos

Gid news guys! for the first few minutes of this match ye could tell The Usos apart! well wan hud a shirt on, so from now on they'll be known as Shirt Uso and Skin Uso, and they cannae really complain aboot this state of affairs cause they kinda brought it on themselves so they did. This match wis braw btw. Shirt Uso kicks Rowan tae the outside, n knocks Harper aff the apron before running aff the ropes and diving on the boayz, while Skin Uso also dived on them aff the tap rope. Aw the dives. Rowan hits Skin Uso wae a fallaway slam, but then I realised the other yin had took his shirt aff n they once again had become a single entity. Ach well, nice while it lasted eh. Jimmy or Jey clotheslines Harper tae fuck, then hits a wee Samoan Drop, afore Harper hits back by drappin Jey or Jimmy throat first on the middle rope. Superkick n a big splash fae TAFKA Skin Uso, but Rowan breaks up the count. Then it ended beautifully, as aw these tag matches seem tae these days. When did WWE stumble intae a vibrant tag division? its been braw for months noo, but none of it seems tae be by design fae any authority figures, cunts seemed tae decide wan day tae aw put eah other over and work braw matches and that's jist how it has tae be. Anyway aye, the finish. Rowan goes flying err the top rope when JimmyorperhapsJey pulls the rope doon, so Rowan launches him intae the announce table afore climbing on the apron jist in time tae take a superkick fae the other Uso. Other Uso should really have kept his eyes on the prize but, as he turns roon intae a beezer of a lariat which meant two things. Firstly the Wyatts won, and secondly, ye can tell the difference between the Usos for gid noo, cause one of them no longer has a heid.

Match of the year Slammy is presented by Bret Hart. It had Triple H vs Brock in the list of nominees but no Punk vs Brock, which can quite frankly fold itsell up real nice. Real neat n tidy. Turn itsell sideways, and stick itsell up Vince McMahons undoubtedly veiny arse. Cena v Rock won anaw. Fuck this, and every other life anyones ever lived. Bret Hart sounded like the last remnants of his soul died when he had tae announce it anaw. Nae wunner meht. 4 oota 10.

Natalya vs Tamina

I fell asleep watchin it live n missed this. Probably for the best, I wis fuckin shattered n the spontaneous wank I widda hud might have hospitalised me. Natty wins wae the sharpshooter. Magic.


Mibbe the reason they keep startin shows wae matches is cause they keep fuckin endin the hings wae stupid as fuck Unification based promos. Hullo Trips, nice tae see ye meht, yer still mare nose than man but. Aw the former world champs in the building are gathered in the ring, and for some reason Jack Swagger and The Miz are there tae. Either I've wiped any trace of these cunts haudin any belts of significance fae my memory, or it jist didnae fuckin happen meht. I'm gonnae go wae the second wan there.
They're oot tae oversee the official unification of the belts, and I really dunno whit that means. Mibbe they're gonnae melt baith the belts intae a cauldron n Randy Ortons gonnae jump in it eh. We'll see. Triple H tries tae say words, but the arena is engulfed in Daniel Bryan chants. The people want whit they want. Ye canae run fae it. They want that beautiful man walkin aboot wae aw the belts. Make it happen or risk the wrath of the people. WE THE PEOPLE!
Mark Henry raised Dbrys haun and that jist makes them go even louder wae a YES! chant. Danny face is a fuckin delight throughout. Smiling fae ear tae ear. He's feeling this.
Orton's oot. Mic in haun. Aw nawwwwwww. Cena's oot anaw. TIME FURRA PROMO WAR, ARE WE AW AS EXCITED AS I.....och I cannae even pretend I gie a fuck. Ortons trying his best tae sound interesting, god bless his cottons, but he jist isnae. Never will be. Cena stares blankly at him throughout. Everyone stared blankly at every fuckin facet of this pish. Gie Daniel Bryan aw the belts. Fuckin NOW. Orton talks aboot takin years aff Foleys career, n he can pack that patter in immediately.
He goes on tae explain how there widnae have needed tae be a screwjob in Montreal if he wis aboot, cause Orton wid have legit knocked Bret Hart oot, and Bret reacts by making a face that seemed tae signify that he'd just farted in the general direction of Booker T. Och listen, for an Orton promo this wis no bad, but nae cunt cares.
Cena finally gets on the mic, and immediately pulls Daniel Bryan intae the picture cause he knows money when he sees it. Daniel Bryan is money. He asks Bryan some simple questions aboot his background, and if he's had everything handed to him on a plate. We discover that he husnae. Cena is fuckin excellent here btw, pointing in Randalls coupon and telling him he's been had tae work for fuck all. If Orton had eyes, he'd be greetin fae them right about now. He talks aboot Randy huvin the baws tae staun in the ring and talk about being the best when he's had it aw handed tae him, and it feels like a shoot. I ken its no, but it feels like it and that makes it fuckin braw in my eyes.
He talks aboot wanting tae win at TLC for the same reasons as he always wants tae win, cause he loves a scrap. Orton wants tae win for glory. He mentions Dolph, and gien Punk a shot at the belt when he wis due tae leave the company, and he mentions DBry again by stating correctly that Daniel Bryans only legit title shot came against him AND HE WON. He offers Orton his haun, seemingly bringin promo wars tae an end. Orton accepts the handshake, afore scuddin Cenas jaw wae his other haun. Cheeky midden.

Then things got......almost too gid. 

The heel wrasslers restrain Orton, but Punks hud enough and flees at the cunt. Raining jabs doon on his eyeless coupon. Triple H pulls him away, n Punk goes after Trips, only fur HBK tae sweet chin music him oota naeplace. DBry bursts oot the corner wae some a long overdue revenge flying knee tae HBKs chin, afore Orton uses this opening tae go for the RKO, only fur Bryan tae shove him intae Stephanie. Knockin the datf bint clean oot, cause fur some reason when hunners of World Champions were scrapping, she thought stickin around wid be a gid idea. Triple H is incensed by this turn of events, and eve though it wis DBry who launched Orton in his wifes direction, its Orton that catches the sweetest pedigree of aw time.  Triple H, Kane n Cena make sure Stephs awrite, which leaves ye wonderin if Cenas been the boay for The Authority aw along? err me feigning an interest in whit The Authority does, fuckin hell, this must have been a gid promo. Either that or I'm still aff ma tits fae Coloursfest. I dunno. I liked it but.

Overall a surprisingly braw episode of yer Monday Night RAW. I came oot the other end of it with genuine hope that once this Unification patter is brought to an end, that the rightful boayzies will once again rise to the top of the tree. Daniel Bryan and CM Punk for now, wae Cesaro, Ambrose, Sandow and the like tae follow soo after. 2014. Come at us brah.

Gid wrasslin throughout the evening, and one of the best promos I've ever seen between Orton and Cena (and there have been faaaar too many tae chose fae over the years) makes this RAW a right solid 8 shoulderbreakers oota 10.

Heres a really tiny drawing of Booker T haudin up a big Raw is War logo fur yer general amusement.