Tuesday, July 30, 2013

WWE RAW Review 29/07/2013

Brad Maddox emerges to welcome us aw tae this weeks Monday Night RAW, he does his usual and walks down the aisle in the moistest way possible, leaving a trail of of slippery as fuck sweat. This time its for a good reason though, as Vinny Macs music plays, and he slides doon tae the ring on the trail of sweat on his belly like Jurgen Klinsmann celebrating a goal. They both enter the ring, drenched and Vinny remarks on how its "remarkable that Brad has managed to sweat through the stainless steel vest I had made for him" as other equally sweaty men had described it as its ain cooling system. They move on to the more serious business of belittling wee Daniel Bryan, Vince in particular basically calls him "Barry Horowitz without the dashing good looks" and questions his ability to beat John Cena. Vinny actually WANTS him to win right enough, or someone to beat Cena anyway cause he thinks Cena swans aboot like he owns the joint. I find mysell losing the will to give a fuck about Vinces attempt tae crowbar himself intae this feud which wis building nicely on its own, but Daniel Bryan saves it by getting the crowd involved and letting Vince know that they think he's the man fur the joab. Then Dannys tellt he'll face his ex-Besto Kane in a match later in the evening. Kanes first appearance since The Wyatts knocked his cunt in 3 weeks ago.

The Shield vs Mark Henry and The Usos

I was amped as fuck for this. Aw these guys are killing it right now, even if The Shields momentum has waned a wee bit, it was still gonnae be good. Mark Henry is apparently a face now, although is that more down tae the circumstances cause The Shield attacked him and they're heels? I could see him quite easily turning on The Usos if they fuck up, and putting them in the Hall Of Pain. Don't mind him as a face though, cause he's his my favourite cunt right now. Just a remarkable big man so he is. I courted him for a china buffet king and a few pale ales when he's next in Scotland, but he's no got back tae me yet, fingers crossed eh. Anyway, the match is crackin. Fast paced stuff, and everyone looks strong. It descends intae the usual Shield 6 man fare when the ring clears oot, and all that remains is Dean Ambrose and Jimmy Uso (total stab in the dark err, I've nae idea which Uso is which) and Ambrose hits the facebuster for the win. Good to see The Shield, and particularly Ambrose looking strong. Would love to see him feud with Henry at some point. 

Next up was a senseless pile of nonsense. Basically we're filming some nondescript employees huvin some buffet, and Ryback smears mashed totties on a guys face before putting him through the table. Whit?

A Wyatt Family promo, followed by Kane asking Brad Sweattox where they are. He mumbles suhin in Swahili, and Kane seems satisfied to leave it at that. Dont be snide Kane, follow the buzzards.

RVD vs Fandango

I really have been intae RVDs work so far since his returned, which wis a shocker; but unless this leads tae a feud where he does end up putting Fandango over, this finish can get tae fuck. Its the second time in a month Fandango has voluntarily taken a count-out anaw which is helpin naecunt. This one is particularly stupid, considering no a lot happens to prompt him to bail. So aye. This can fuck right off. RVD wins via a countout.

AJ vs Kaitlyn (non title match)

These two have had some braw matches together and this was nae different. Quite short, but had a smashin pace to it. Plus see that spear? ooft. Especially when she hits AJ wae it, it just does strange and wonderful things tae my nether regions. So imagine my joy when Kaitlyn hits the spear and gets the win. Without these two the Divas division would be stone dead right now, although some of that problem might be solved by fuckin pushin Natalya sometime in this millennium.

Ziggler comes rushing oot and demands tae wrassle Big E. AJ greets cause 90210 has been cancelled. Ziggler gets his match.

Dolph Ziggler vs Big E

This is exactly how I wanted matches between these 2 to go, I honestly think with the WH belt in the middle this could be a stoater of a feud, and the boys done their case no harm with this match. Another masterclass in selling from Dolph as he takes aw of Big E's raw power moves and makes them look like they were powered by a jet engine. Look at the pace tae Big E's work and compare it to the similarly sized Ryback. I don't hate Rybacks in ring work btw, but there's huge room for improvement and I've seen none of that in the past year. Big E on the other hand seems to improve every week. The match was braw, until AJ jumps in for nae apparent reason. STOP BEIN SO MENTAL. Dolph wins by DQ, and hits the ZigZag on Big E when he isnae looking.

A Dbry and Cena segment backstage. Whilst its always good tae see Daniel, it just felt like mare attempts tae force Vince intae this angle. I'm no a fan of this ataw, could see him gettin properly involved in the match and costing either one of them the belt. Daniel asks if what Vince said was true, about him being a glorified midget jobber, and Cena gies it that usual passionate, kinda vacant look, before saying some words which I cant recall.

Christian vs Alberto Del Rio

Ye ken I'm a honest guy by noo, so I'll tell ye nae lies. I spent the majority of this pacing up and doon the hall awaiting a gid spew sesh. I've been nae well ye see, wee stomach bug. So I'd say I probably seen half of this at the most. It did look good though. I cant recall a bad match Christian has had since his return, so its gid to see him getting a push. He'll likely be involved in the WH Title match at Summerslam after this, as he rolls through ADRs attempt to lock in the cross armbreaker, to get the sneaky pin. A lot of sneaky wee pins these days on RAW, I like it so I dae, puts a lot of focus on the art of mat wrasslin as opposed to yer marquee moves gettin the job done.


Cody Rhodes vs Wade Barrett

I'm a wee bit disappointed in whits happened tae Barrett lately. Even after finding out he supported the Rangers ;) I was still a big fan, and he's been reduced to a glorified jobber since dropping the IC belt. The positives from this particular job, is that it furthers this smashin push Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are in the middle of getting. I've been a big fan of Cody since day one, and big Sandow won me over a few months ago, so It's been a pleasure to see them break out of mid-card hell and right intae the spotlight feuding with each other. Codys antics on Smackdown when he tossed Sandows MITB briefcase intae the ocean wis some hilarious shit. Anyway, Rhodes gets the win after hitting Cross-Rhodes and big Damien comes oot tae give him an earful. Codys lit that "behave" but the kid refuses. A wee ladder match at Summerslam for the briefcase maybe? as a ladder enthusiast, I can but dream.

Daniel Bryan vs Kane

Well this was just a smashin wee bout. It really goes without saying when it comes tae DBry, and while it wisnae anywhere near the standard him and Cesaro produced last week, it was still a right entertaining wee match. DBry hits Kane with his usual barrage of jaw shattering kicks, and spleen bursting dropkicks but Kane is nae slouch, and has a good wee period of dominance himself, before going for the chokeslam only for DBry to fight out of it roll him up for the pin. Mibbe its down tae The Wyatts messing wae his tortured brain, but Kane takes the huff suhin fierce and chokeslams Bryan after the match. Thought better of ye that that Kane ma man. Ease up wae that petted lip.

Then it all goes dark. It's time. Despite being assured earlier in the night by Maddox that The Wyatts wurnae there, that's proved to be a bare faced lie as the boays set about Kane once again. Stop resisting Kane sir, get The Buzzards followed. He gets hit wae Sister Abigail(Brays finisher, not an actual nun) after Harper and Rowan batter him senseless. I dunno where this is headed, would make sense for Kane to join up with them after a wee feud wae Bray, and having such a seasoned vet in their ranks wid help their credibility, especially if he's taking a backseat and Bray's the leader. Mibbe Taker comes back early next year and tries to "save" his brother and it leads tae Bray vs Taker at WM 30? acht im away wae it noo, that would be great though.

Natalya vs Brie Bella

Kindly take this tae fuck please. Not only did Natalya lose, she lost after being distracted by the hackit Bella blawin intae a kazoo. Utter baws. You deserve better Natalya hen.

Curtis Axel vs R-Truth 

A lot of this didnae sit well with me tbh. Just felt like they were trying tae force a Punk v Lesnar promo intae the mix, whilst Axel took a back seat, and he is naewhere near over enough to be the afterthought for his own match. Also he gets on the mic himself, and he's really nae good. Mumbles something about being more Perfect than Perfect, which didnae make sense really, unless he's saying he's better than his da was, which is just total and utter shite. The match with R-Truth was a bit boring, but most matches with R-Truth are, and it ends when Punk comes rushing oot with that mad demented look in his eyes, baying for Heymans blood. Attacking Axel in the process and leading to Axel wining by DQ. Heyman tried tae bolt, but Punk catches him, only for Axel tae put a stop to him gettin his eye blacked. Just didnae see the point in forcing the two things together here really, unless theres a Punk v Axel feud on the horizon.

Bleugh. Why do the Mcmahons n Trips insist on dragging RAW doon these days? yer time's oot guys. Get this shite tae fuck. They were naewhere tae be seen when it was barely watchable during the guest host shite, but now its gid ye cannae get rid of them. Triple H asks Vince if he's finished pulling Maddox' strings and then the rest is white noise cause I dont care.

John Cena vs Ryback (tables match)

Speaking of things I don't care about, this can get tae fuck. I actually enjoyed both of their recent PPV matches btw, but this was by far the worst of the bunch. Nae belt on the line and it was just a series of creative ways tae break tables without actually putting a human through them (or whitever species Ryback might be) Bored the shite oot me (quite literally) and when they two of them faced each other wae ringsteps in their hauns like it wis a fuckin Gladiators episode, I gied up paying attention. Cena eventually won by putting Ryback through a table set up in the corner wae the AA. Much tae everyones delight, Daniel Bryan comes doon afterwards tae his 5th or 6th amazin pop of the night, and grabs Cenas belt, kids on hes handing it to him, only to snatch it away like the cheeky wee midden he is. Cena snatches it for real but and they have a wee stare doon to end the night. Cannae wait for Summerslam, between this and Punk vs Lesnar I'm baws oot n luvin it.

Overall a solid RAW. Wisnae daft on the main event, The Mcmahon segments or Natalya gettin the sharp end of a short stick. Nae Cesaro wisnae good either, but that was placated a bit by the lack of Miz.  The rest ranged from braw to passable, so it gets 7.5 Angle Slams oota 10.


 



Friday, July 26, 2013

TNA Impact Review 25/07/2013

There was to be an Ultimate X Match to decide the new X Division Champion on this weeks Impact, so unless the company imploded before the show started, there was at least going to be one thing worth watching this week. Hallelujah.

Really though, there was every reason to be optimistic judging on the standard of most of the wrestling during last weeks Destination X, and as long as there wasnt too much focus put on the MEM/Aces and Eights feud, this would likely be a decent Impact....

Luckily for us, we don't really get our hopes up too high for Impact these days, and our optimistic expectations are shot to pieces almost instantly as the MEM emerge for promo'in! I dont want to sound like a know it all, but this angle has been worked so poorly in my eyes. Such awkward aimless promos and needless involvement in matches from both stables, its sad because it really could have been a solid Stable vs Stable feud if they kept it simple, and didn't shoehorn Rampage Jackson into it. Sting and Angle get on the mic. Angle looks a shadow of his once great self, a sign that he really doesent buy in to any of this personally, but he's a soldier so he does his job. Sting sounds a bit better, but he fails to sell the "one of my greatest nights in wrestling!" line when referring to Sabin winning the belt last week. They call Sabin out to congratulate him and its all rather nice, so who else but the "veryy very very bad man" of Impact Bully Ray, to come out an spoil the party. He assures Sabin that if he doesn't give up the belt, this lawyer will sue him and TNA, but the problem with the lawyer is, he looks like Fred Willard on crack. Sabin considers the proposal and decided to get back to Bully later. ON WITH THE WRASSLIN.

Sonjay Dutt vs Greg Marscuilo vs Manik

This was just a feast for the senses. I love a good Ultimate X match and this was a fantastic exhibition for high octane wrestling. Sonjay is an artist, and could probably 'rana a grizzly bear if he wanted to, he doesn't though, he just hits Manik and Marscuilo with a few. The match wears on in a particularly up tempto fashion, before Dutt and Marscuilo battle on top of the Ultimate X frame, only for Manik to swoop in for the win. 

Hernandez vs Mr Anderson

I'll leave out the Hernandez hatred this week. Aside from saying this match bored me to tears, but at least it was short. Anderson ducks the cross body before hitting the mic check for the win.

Dixie Carter says some words. Then a funny promo between Joseph Park and Eric Young. Young shows him footage of his "abyss turn" and he has no recollection of it. Young is hilarious as always, why he isnt on Impact every week is beyond me.

Mickie James vs Gail Kim

Perhaps the two worst utlised performers in WWE over the past 10 years. This is where the deserve to be. The best match on the card regardless of gender.  For some daft reason Gail Kim slaps ODB, and Mickie rolls her up for the win. Dissapointing end to a decent encounter. Then Brooke Hogan comes out and everyones soul cries.

Christopher Daniels vs Samoa Joe

Great match. Superb pace to it, and you'll never go wrong when you put two of the best wrestlers in the company/business in a match together. After the Ken Anderson distraction, it took two BMEs to put Joe away, giving Daniels 7 vital BFG points.

AJ Styles vs Jeff Hardy

This was fine. I struggle to get behind any of Hardys work since he thought it was ok to stroll down the aisle drunk at a PPV, but this match was his best work since I started watching TNA again. These two have some great chmeistry. Styles picks up the win via submission with the calf killer, which is huge for the BFG series as it gives him 10 points.

This is another pet hate of mine. Finishing a show with a promo, unless its hugely important to the story or its immediately following a match is a big no-no for me. This was good enough to get a pass though. Bully is great on the mic, and carries it well, actually making me laugh in the process. Its a shame Sabin isnt better on the mic because undoubtedly he is one of the best in the world as a wrestler. Then Hogan appears and much like his daughter, he leads everyones soul into the abyss. Announces Sabin vs Bully for the title at Hardcore Justice, because the world needs to see more of this feud.

Overall a decent Impact. Hernandez match aside is was great for a wrestling standpoint, but half hearted pormo work at the start lets it down slightly again. A solid 6 shoulderbreakers out of 10.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

WWE NXT Review 25/07/2013

Weekly wrasslin shows starting with a match is so rare these days. As long as its a braw match, its by far and away my favourite way for a show to start. Gets the viewer engaged right away, here we go folks, its wrasslin time! Nane of yer 45 minute Cena promos, or Micheal Cole readin oot emails. Down tae business.

Paige vs Emma (NXT Women's title Match)

Fuckin loved this. Emma's entrance feels like whit I imagine an acid trip would be like at a childrens birthday party. Shes fae another dimension so she is, and I'm heavy intae it. Paige is aw business but, nane of the dancing malarkey fae her (a pity, cause that erse is due a wee shake) The match had a nice pace to it, and for the most part Emma had the upper hand which was a surprise. Had Paige in the DilEmma on the ropes for a bit. Paige rallies but and hits the Paige Turner tae become the first ever NXT Womens Champ. Only a matter of time afore she's on the main roster gien the Divas division a shot in the arm (although that's a job which could also be done by pushing Natalya, but thats a story for another day eh) Oh and Triple H comes out and raises her hand, totally fuckin hoggin the limelight for nae reason ataw. Fuckin time tae play the game mate, that game should be scrabble on yer phone as ye stay backstage and oot ma face.

Tyler Breeze vs A Jobber

Fuckin utter shanner of a gimmick. Cunt that takes selfies during his entrance. Away n fuckin fry shite and eat it ya pleb. I cannae mind the jobbers name that he wrestled ataw, think it was Angelo suhin; and I honestly think I slipped intae a catatonic state for a short while during this, such was my disgust for this gimmick, but aye Tyler Breeze won after a pretty nice spinning heel kick. Still want tae grate his stupid face for him but.

The Ascension vs Two Pub Doormen

This is my main issue with NXT. Its usually a great show, full of excellent wrestlers, but whits the fuckin point in using aw these jobbers ataw? I mean if you need folk to job, use folk like Hawkins, JTG and Yoshi Tatsu and at least give them some exposure. The Ascension are a fuckin properly creepy pair of cunts, and O'Brien in particular looks like he has a huge future, but how battering a couple of rough as fuck jobbers will help them, I dont know. One of the jobbers disnae even get in the ring actually. Ascension win and then stare intae space for ages. 

Sheamus vs Luke Rowan

I was quite interested in how this one would go, cause despite my rampant enthusiasm for the Wyatt Family, I'm a bit unsure of just how good Rowan and Harper are in the ring. They have the perfect look to fit the gimmick, but are yees any good at the wrasslin guys? I'm afraid to say, for me anyway, this match was a bit of a snoozer. Nuhin much really happened know? just two big lumps thumpin each other, and then Sheamus also thumps Harper for a bit. Fairly boring stuff. The most interesting part of the whole saga, was bray Wyatts reaction after Sheamus gets the win wae the Brogue kick. Cunt just laughs his heid aff. Absolutely fuckin killing it as this character so he is, cannae believe he came from the same bawsack as Bo Dallas. It defies aw logic.

Overall a below par NXT if ye ask me. The womens title match was a stoater and undoubtedly should have been the main event. The rest was a bit shite. Brad Maddox was on commentary anaw, and sweated right through a mink coat.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

WWE RAW Review - 22/07/2013

Contract signings are always a braw laugh in wrestling. Usually its a heel vs face situation, where someone ends up gaun through the table, but the refreshing wee exchange between Brad Maddox, John Cena and Daniel Bryan which opened RAW this week was a wee bit different. I don't much care for Maddox, and I'm convinced he could sweat through a concrete slab, but he makes this promo interesting with his anti Daniel Bryan patter, accusing Cena or only choosing him cause he's a certainty to beat him. Cena defends his choice before Daniel comes out to another pop which made the earths core tremble. The promo ends with Brad Maddox revealing that Daniel wid be in multiple matches later oan. Fuckin yass. Just sack the whole card and have him wrassle EVERYBODY. Every week. Aw the time.

Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio

Well mibbe no eh. Cause this was a surprisingly brilliant match. Sheamus was stale as fuck for ages before his match with Bryan on RAW, so that proves just how much of an influence he currently holds right now, because since that match Sheamus has looked better than ever. That bruise on Sheamus leg is an absolute fuckin topper, and Del Rio takes great pleasure in kicking it tae its a deep shade of purple.  Such a stiffly worked match, whit a brave cunt Sheamus is taking so many hits right on the bruise. The big yin has the upper hand, but when he goes for white noise, the leg buckled and ADR rolled him up for the pin. Superb match.

Wee bitta Booker T and Teddy Long backstage. Booker T looks quite confused, and Teddy Long speaks as if he's a wean thats been pulled intae the head teachers office cause he's been bad. I dunno what to make of this really. Pointless.

Titus O'Neal vs Christian

I'm a big Titus O'Neal fan. Funny guy, plenty of charisma. Just engaging to watch. its always a shame when he ruins aw that good stuff by exposing us to his boring as fuck wrasslin. The match was awrite, but for most of the early part is was just Christian gettin tossed aboot like a rag doll. Anyway, Christian got the win wae the killswitch.

Ryback promo. Thats yer cue to away n make a cup of Horlicks, or roll a wee jiynt or suhin. Or if ye like being raging, sit there and listen tae him butcher material which was shite anyway. I wish he'd go away.

Mark fuckin Henry man. I'm truly sorry that it took me aw these years to realise he wis a genius. Top 5 promo wise in the company right now easily, mibbe even top 3. This promo wisnae his best work right enough, but I still enjoyed it cause I love uhm. He's oot there tae tell the Shield that he's had enough of their shite so he has. Square go ya dicks. They duly oblige, and set about big Sexual Chocolate again, before The Uso's come oot and even the odds. The Usos and Henry get the upper hand, and The Shield dae the right thing and take themselves up the road.

Dolph Ziggler vs Darren Young

I dunno why Darren Young keeps getting these matches man. Am I missing something? I mean he's awrite, better wrestler than Titus, but he's wrestled Cena, Punk and Ziggler this year on RAW. That would indicate that someone thinks he's a future top star. He really just isnae. An awkward character at best. Downright annoying at worst. The match is gid, but it involves Dolph Ziggler, so thats a given. Young has the better of him, but he gets cocky and starts slappin him aboot the heid, so Dolph gets up and hits the Zig Zag for the win. Easy Peasy.

Afterwards him and Big E get intae a wee scrap. I'm looking forward to this feud, just hope it has the World Heavyweight belt involved in it soon enough.

The Miz interviews everyone on the cast of Total Divas. Natalya disnae speak. Someone slaps Jerry Lawler. Quite possibly the worst thing that has ever happened on RAW. Maybe the worst thing thats happened anywhere. I hated my eyes for lookin at it. Pish.

Cody Rhodes vs Fandango

Yass. This right here is whit I like. Coupla talented cunts just bein good at their job. Its a shame Curtis cannae be good at his without this daft gimmick, but the match is good and it was his birthday, so hopefully Summer Rae polished his boaby for him afterwards. He'd have needed cheerin up, cause Rhodes got the win wae the disaster kick and then Cross Rhodes after Damien Sandow got involved. Wee shame for ye Johnny, but I hope ye enjoyed the rest of yer birthday anyway mate. Aye Sandow had a wee set to wae Rhodes after it, but for once they didnae wind up chinnin each other.

Ryback should just sit down one day, with all of CM Punks best promos on a DVD and learn to talk to an audience like they're a collection of fellow humans, instead of whitever fuckin alien lifeform he's speakin tae when he cuts his promos. This particular Punk promo is another stoater, as he explains why he had to come out here this week, despite having (I assume) every bone in his body broken by Lesnar last week. Paul Heyman appears via satellite and they have a scintiliating back and forth. I could watch this shit aw day. Promo gold. "If Brock Lesnar is the beast incarnate, then I'll slay that beast" Those words actually came out of CM Punks mouth, and that wis just a small part of the the whole fuckin beezer of a segment. The end result of the exchange is that Punk will face Lesnar at Summerslam. Cannae fuckin contain mysell for this shit.  

Rob Van Dam vs Wade Barret

I had nothing but apathy for RVDs return. Actually a wee bit scunnered by it, so to go from that, to actually looking forward to his matches is one hell of a leap. This yins no bad, a wee bit short and slow in places, but its passable. RVD wins with the 5 star frog splash.

Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Fuckin YASS!

A yes for every match, as Daniel Bryan would be ending the night with not one, not two, not three but...infact aye it was three. THREE MATCHES.

Daniel Bryan vs Jack Swagger

I was a wee bit worried when Swagger entered the ring here, cause I thought it might mean nae Cesaro. This match was thankfully the shortest of the three, cause Swagger wid fuckin bore ye tae sleep, even wrasslin DBry he makes it boring. Quite a feat.  Bryan wins with the labell lock.

Daniel Bryan vs Antonio Cesaro

This was just fucking perfect. A truly brilliant wrestling match. I love baith of these cunts personally so I expected nae less, but it even shocked me just how good this was. Someone is fighting Cesaros corner in creative now, because ye couldnae see a match like this happening a month or so ago. He tosses Bryan about a mile up in the air at one point, before nearly taking his heid aff with an uppercut. Then both of them have a borderline savage exchange of uppercuts, Cesaros in particular looked like they were breaking Bryans collar bone in a different place each time. He then hits him with a fucking brammer of a clothesline, and Bryan sells it lit Billy Gunn selling the clothesline from hell. Antonio looks headed for the win, as he tosses Bryan up in the air again, only this time Bryan rolls him up for the pin. Fucking. Awwww. just perfect meht. 15 minutes of stauner inducing beautifulness. See it ASAP.

Daniel Bryan vs Ryback

Ugh. Whit even is Ryback now? after waving off the match wae The Miz and being nice to Vickie, I assumed he was gaun down a softer path, but we seem to have reverted to the same auld shite routine.
The match is actually braw though. I've never had much of a problem with Ryback in the ring, he had a couple of great matches with Cena. Its just his character and promo work which constantly irks me. The best parts of this match came on the outside, as Bryan hits a stoater of a suicide dive. Before Ryback sets up a table, and breaks Bryan in hauf putting him through it wae a jackknife powerbomb. Big Diesel, eat yer hert oot. Bryan wins via DQ.

Big Cena then runs oot quite unnecessarily tae save Bryan, making him look quite weak in the process, but here. We got tae see Daniel Bryan wrestle for 40 minutes aw in, so lets no grumble eh. Cena then challenges Ryback to a tables match for some fuckin reason, and I assume we'll get that next week. Whoopity doo.

Solid RAW overall. Bryan v Cesaro and Punk/Heyman promo were huge highlights, but that fuckin bombscare of a Total Divas promo drags it right doon. I gie it 7 Pepsi Plunges oota 10.

Follow the buzzards Kane meht. Follow the buzzards.






Friday, July 19, 2013

TNA Impact presents Destination X - 18/07/2013

Is it over?

That was the question I asked myself as I awoke at 4.30am in a pool of sweat, because the last thing I remember was settling down to watch NXT, before Destination X was due to begin at 2am, so the only logical question was...Is it over?

You're probably thinking to yourself "he means Destination X..and yes, of course it is, its a 2 hour show, do the math dumbass" but that's not what I was asking. When Hulk Hogan is involved and I awake in a pool of sweat, unable to recall the last few hours I don't assume the wrestling show he's involved in is over, I assume its ALL over. Life as we know it has ceased to be. Hogan found the red button and demanded that Vince "make me an offer brother" and Vince thought he was bluffing, so he pushed it and now all that remains is me, my sweat soaked t-shirt and regret that the last wrestling event I was planning to watch was bested by Hulk Hogan killing everyone.

Imagine my relief when I realised I had just slept through it, and I could indeed sit down to watch the first TNA show I've actually been excited about seeing since starting to watch it again. If only for the Aries vs Roode re-match from last years event (when it was still a PPV) I only just seen that match for the first time a few days ago, and it was something special, so even without the belt at stake this time, I sensed something great from them again.They surely obliged.

First up was a relatively pointless Bully Ray promo. He's good on the mic, at times genuinely great but it shows how little heat the match between him and Sabin has that this is even required. He claims the aces and eights will destroy the MEM, and then he'll destroy Sabin. Here's one of the benefits of not watching live, as soon as he said "my wife...Brooke" I skipped forward 5 minutes and it was like it never happened. On with the wrasslin.

Austin Aries vs Bobby Roode (BFG Series Match)

Putting your best match on first can go one of two ways imo. Either the rest of the card sees it and gives the best they can in their matches making the rest of the card at least watchable, or it's so good that it peaks the fans interest in the show and rest of it becomes a haze of boring matches which should have been good, or poorly booked snorefests. This show unfortunately fell into the second category for the most part. I'm inclined to say it was worth it though, because the quality of this match was just so high. These are the two guys being wasted the most in TNA right now for me, as Roode went into this match without a point in the BFG series, and Aries had his push given to him and then shelved within a week when he was involved in the whole 'suicide' angle. When a struggling company has the audacity to reduce their two best wrestlers to the insignificant show opener, which acts as a precursor for all the other stupid crap they're forcing down your throat, you're inclined to think there may be no Sabin it (see what I did there? ho ho...if not it'll all become clear later) It was an outstanding match though, truly must see stuff. It was like living artwork at 100mph, you really couldn't take your eyes off it for a second. Five minutes goes by in what feels like milliseconds, before Aries hits the 450 splash and looks like picking up the quick win. Thankfully for us Roode kicked out, imagine only being given 5 minutes of this? That would be like being given a table a world renowned restaurant, but being told you could only stay for appetizers. The pace continues to be frenetic, and Aries hits a stunning suicide dive on Roode, who is to the right of the ring, so its not like Aries had a straight path. If he deviates even a centimeter from his target, he'd have broken his shoulder on the ringpost. We then go in to an enchanting display of mat wrestling. The crossface from Roode is turned into a pin by Aries, then thats reversed, and they make it to their feet before Roode goes for the backslide, once again Aries kicks out and in a heartbeat he has hit a picture perfect DDT. That in itself told a story, and it was barely 15 seconds of action. Then a series of counters as both men try to hit their finishers, before Aries finally prevails by hitting the brainbuster and getting the pin; giving him 7 BFG points. I honestly cant believe it was only 10 minutes, to fit that much quality into such a short time period is unbelievable. Hats off to them both.

Roode has a brief meltdown after the match, and throws some stuff around. This is ok with me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it takes his character down a darker path, something he is probably needing at this stage, and secondly, he managed to get Jeremy Borash' chair into the ring, breaking it in the process. That means Jeremy Borash doesn't get to sit down for the rest of the show, which is good because Jeremy Borash doesn't deserve to sit down. Be better at your job, then you might be allowed a chair.

Next up a promo involving Hernandez. If this is your first time reading my Impact reviews, you wont know how much I despise him, so I'll fill you in once more. I despise Hernandez....a lot. Nice to see Homicide though, and the tension between him and Chavo is interesting enough, they'll both be involved in X Division tournament matches later in the night.

Homicide vs Petey Williams vs Sonjay Dutt

Super excited to see Petey Williams here, and the other two I suppose, but Petey is an artist. The Canadian Destroyer is such a gravity defying move, I have to re-watch it at least 5 or 6 times every time I see it. The match was great. I think it would have been better as Petey vs either of the other two as opposed to a triple threat, but it was enjoyable stuff all the same. Sonjay hits a couple of beautiful hurricanranas in the middle, before there are some interesting exchanges between the 3. Homicide hitting a diving headbutt as Petey has Sonjay in some form of leglock. Sonjay gets the win when he hits the moonsault double foot stomp. Deservedly so too, he was by far the standout performer in the match, despite my leanings towards Petey.

Manikcide vs Kenny King vs Chavo

This was ok I suppose. The Manik gimmick is endlessly stupid though, we all know who TJ Perkins is, let him wrestle as himself or re-package him as something better than just a slightly modified Suicide. It was a good enough match, but why is Chavo involved? he must be at least in his mid 50s by now. Hardly X division standard. King and Manik have some engaging enough exchanges, and once again the most impressive man in the match prevails as Manik hits the double underhook gutbuster to book his place in the X Division tournament final.    

At this point I'm still thinking it was a little bit short sighted to put Aries and Roode first, but everyone else was certainly doing enough to make this enjoyable. Ultimately if TNA can ever be "saved" it rivalries like Aries v Roode, and a thriving X Division which will be the catalysts behind it. So in terms of pulling Impact out of this rut of confusion and Hogan fuelled frustration, these were promising sings.

Ugh. Main Even Mafia promo backstage. Just when I was feeling really positive about TNA. Listen Rampage Jackson, I dont care if you're "getting ready to knock somebody out" You aren't a pro wrestler. You aren't involved in this for any other reason than acting work drying up and you being too old to win UFC matches. Go away. Its followed by a Hogan pep talk towards Sabin, and Sabin just looks bored throughout. Dont blame you buddy(or should I say "brother?" naw I definitely shouldn't)

Now a main event mafia promo in the ring. I know to review this effectively, I should really approach it with an open mind, but I just don't care about it. I'm sorry, but I cant bring myself to give a damn. This could quite easily have been a decent Stable vs Stable feud if executed properly, but its been a malaise of half hearted promos and confusion, so I'm afraid when you tossed Rampage Jackson into the mix, you lost my interest for good. They all have a turn each on the mic, before going to look for Aces and Eights backstage, but there's a ruse afoot! The Aces and Eights lure the MEM into a room and lock them in, before Kurt Angle is bundled into the back of a pickup truck by Bully and driven away. Bully shouts "you know where to take him"...hopefully it's happier place, where he doesn't have to be involved in such a poorly executed, borderline stupid storylines.

Rubix vs Rockstar Spud vs Greg Marascuilo

Rockstar Spud is British, so I really should have wanted him to win. I didn't though, because he's a bit of a dick. Decent wrestler, but I want to punch him repeatedly. Greg Marascuilo used to be Trent Baretta in WWE, making him the king of wrestling names that no one will remember. The match was passable. Marascuilo was by far the most impressive of the three, hitting a particularly nice dive over the top rope on spud. He got the win after pinning Spud. Continuing this slightly strange trend of the outstanding performer winning every match. Not a bad trend, but odd all the same.

Bully on the phone. Talking about Rampage knocking Wes Brisco out, as he's filmed through an inch of a gap in the door. I don't even know what this was. Other than my unbridled joy at the idea of Wes Brisco being knocked out, I cant see any reason for this and it hurt my brain a little bit. Angle is to be made an offer he won't refuse. Probably an offer for his immediate release.

Ahh Mickie James. How I love you. She cuts a fun promo, claiming that events of last week will go down in Knockouts history, but she isn't talking about the Gail Kim ladder match, she's talking about a live performance of some of her music. Gail emerges looking sublime, and they have a short verbal and finally physical brawl. A fun segment which made sense, unlike most of the other promo work in the night so far.

Bully Ray vs Chris Sabin (TNA Title Match)

Its never a good thing when you want a man to win a world title match because you feel the current champion just isn't relevant enough to carry the company anymore. Sabin is not the right man to lead TNA into a better era, but he is certainly deserving of this shot, and at least the chance to re-legitimise the title with some great matches. Promo wise it all feels very raw from him, and considering he is a seasoned veteran at this stage, that would indicate he just doesn't have it in him to cut a great promo. That's no affliction though, some people are just born to perform in the ring, and that is something Sabin is better than most at. The match isn't great, but I'd say that's more to do with Bullys limits as a singles wrestler. He worked hard to get himself in shape and to earn this run with the belt, but he doesn't have enough to carry it for much longer. Having said that I certainly didn't see this being the night where his reign ended.There is a particularly brutal exchange of kicks and slaps at the beginning, with Bullys slaps leaving Sabins chest red raw. Sighs all round as the Aces and Eights emerge from the back to attack Sabin, a man who must be half the weight of their leader. Way to make a champ look strong eh, him needing 7 friends to beat up a guy with two bad knees. They are chased away by the MEM though, who have a sponsorship deal with their suit retailer that required them to be seen at least 3 times on every show wearing them. All of this draws focus from the match, and leads to the audience losing interest, but basically the match is Bully targeting Sabins knee. That's it. Then Mr Anderson passes him a hammer, before the whole thing falls apart, and the melee between Aces and Eights and MEM ensues. Bully drops the hammer, Sabin picks it up, and when Bully gets him up for a powerbomb, Sabin cracks him with the hammer and gets the pin to become the new TNA Champ. Ref was down for the whole hammer segment btw, I can't remember why exactly, but I assume it was something to do with the insufferable turgid nonsense that the match had been until that point.

Overall a far more entertaining affair than a normal Impact. With Aries vs Roode being the obvious standout, but some of the X Division stuff was great too. I won't say too much negative about the Sabin title win, because its a great moment for him and he deserves it, but he won't have it for long. I give the show 5 knife edge chops outta 10. At least 7 based on the wrestling alone, but it was dragged down by largely awful promo work.






Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Wrasslin Hail Mary - How TNA Might Be Saved

I'll start this wae a wee disclaimer of sorts, by saying that I don't really know much about TNA. Until maybe 2 months ago, I last watched it regularly around 2010-2011 time, so in terms of recent history, I ken the essentials but there's some knowledge gaps.

For my sins I've recently got back intae it, partly cause my love for wrasslin has been stronger than ever recently, and also at the end of the day its still wrestlin, underneath aw the half told stories and downright confusion. There's always something in every show that makes me go "well if they did more of this, it might not be in such a mess" Prime example being that 7-8 minutes of Aries vs Sabin on Impact a couple of weeks ago, easily the best in terms of pure wrestling I'd seen all year, yet even during it there was a power of fuckin stupid storyline shite going on around the ring.

I'm no saying what I'm about to write would necessarily work, nor am I saying I know how tae run a wrestling company. I dont, I'm just a cunt that's awrite wae words, and this wee collection of ideas on how to get TNA back on track has been floating about my heid for ages now, so why not jot it down.

Step 1 - Gut The Roster

I know It's been gutted in a bad way recently, with talented people being released, but the first thing I'd do is weed out the impostors. Firstly cunts that just cannae wrestle. Get them to fuck. Hernandez, Jay Bradley, they two Jersey Shore lookin cunts, Garrett "couldnae sell a tenner bag to a smackhead" Bischoff, Wes "looks like a smackhead" Brisco and Rob Terry. Fuds like that can take thersells tae fuck immediately. Then I'd have a sit down with all the midcard veterans and WWE rejects and see where their heads at at. Talented guys who might not be fully invested in making the company better, ie Mr Anderson, Luke Gallows, Chavo and even D-Von to a degree. Get them in and pick their brains, you'll be able to tell within 2 minutes if any of them give a fuck. Release the ones who dont. Anyone who has publicly stated their desire to return to WWE (Angle aside) can get to fuck aswell. Oh and Jeff Hardy, sorry pal, but if you think its acceptable to show up at any show so aff yer tits ye cannae walk straight, you don't deserve to be a wrestler. You're welcome to fuck off anaw.

Step 2 - Finalise a small, talent rich roster on short term contracts

For me the roster would look like this.

Singles - Heavyweight Title

Bobby Roode
Samoa Joe
Austin Aries
Kurt Angle
AJ Styles
Magnus

Singles - X Division

Chris Sabin
Alex Shelley
Noam Dar (I ken, I'm a dreamer ;))
Chris Daniels
Kazarian
Kenny King (he's looked ok in the matches I've seen anyway, certainly has potential)

Tag Division

Beer Money
Motor City Machine Guns
Dudleys
Bad Influence

As simple as that. I know Alex Shelley isn't currently signed to TNA (a fact he'll probably be thankful of right now) and Noam Dar is just a wee wildcard, but he'd enhance that division no end. The tag division used to be fucking outstanding, and that was because of those four teams so anytime Roode isnt in the TNA Title picture, have him back with James Storm. You'd probably struggle to convince Bully that his future is back in the tag division, but for me, that's what he'll always be, one of the best tag wrestlers of all-time. I respect the shit out of him for getting his body in shape and making himself a valid singles wrestler, and at least right now a deserving TNA Champ, but he's older now and for me cant be the company's top heel any more. Every single man I listed in the Heavyweight Title bit is more than capable of doing that job (maybe aside from Angle but ye need a veteran in the picture at least and Angle still has a good 5 years of top quality matches in him) and they need to be trusted to do it.

Also get rid of the fuckin TV Title. Not required with a short roster anyway, maybe re-introduce it if the company manages to expand and there's a space for it, but right now there isnae so flush it down the pan.

AJ Styles is on the list, but he's another I'd have to ask where his head's at. I hope its just him selling this weird loner gimmick he has right now, but some of his in-ring work since I've been watching again has been sloppy as fuck. The sign of a talented man who has chucked it in. Cut the hair, and get back to doing what you do best. Wrestling.

Step 3 - Set the Hogans on fire

I jest but if the rumours that these fuckin soul sucking parasitic blonde bastards have guaranteed deals are true, then sit them down and tell them they're on gardening leave forever. They'll have nothing to do with the company from this day forward and they can either see out their contracts doing fuck all, or accept a pay-off. The knockouts dont need a fucking chief, and they certainly dont need a chief who couldnt point out Madusa in a line-up. Cunts like Bischoff, Rampage Jackson, and any other cunt who is in it for the wrong reasons. Go away.

Step 4 - Start from scratch storyline wise

You might lose some loyal viewers briefly, but for me this is more required than any other step. Fuckin completely obliterate the current storylines. Even the good stuff, lose it all because its so fucking confusing right now its no real. Any good wrestling show should be able to welcome casual viewers for a couple of hours and not have them wondering whit the fucks going on. I've been back watching TNA for 6-7 weeks and there's STILL half arsed, barely told stories from months earlier being revived on a weekly basis. Nope. No more. Aces and Eights/MEM GONE. Any angle involving anyone getting married that isnae ODB/Eric Young GONE. The whole fuckin lot of it goes, You tell yer audeince that tae. Tell them to think of this as a new start, everything you see is brand new, like the past year or so didnae happen. Only the good stuff like Aries vs Roode remains, the rest of the shit is GONE. A new start, based on storied rivalries between people who have good wrestling chemistry. Vacate all 3 titles, and have tournaments to decide new champions (For me it would be Roode, Sabin and Bad Influence) and we start from there.

Step 5 - Congratulate the Knockouts

Live on tv too. Well done for giving a lot of people a reason to tune in. Battling through the stigma of having the cast-iron jawed daughter of Hulkamania as your "leader" to continue to improve yourselves and have great matches. Hats off to the fuckin lot of them man. The only thing about TNA right now that you could sell exactly the way it is to another company. WWE could buy the knockouts division right now and it would blow the current crop of Divas out the water. Add in a wee bit of Beth Pheonix and Natalya and its perfect. Looking for new talent? Scotlands got a few crackers waitin in the wings tae ;) Oh and re-instate Victoria right fucking now. If not as an active wrestler, make her the head of the knockouts.

Step 6 - Sort out the "voices" of your company

By that I mean the commentators, ring announcers and backstage interviewers etc. For me, aside from maybe Mike Tenay, they all have to go. Christy Hemme can maybe stay as long as we dont continue dressing her like a tart fae a different film every week, but for me ye need someone with a voice that projects better than hers does.Last but not least, there should be a new GM. Someone who is universally respected and wont steal spotlight. That should undoubtedly be Sting. Make him head booker anaw if he wants the job, but if not. He's the figurehead of your company. It starts with him, and the rest is just talent doing what it does best.

Step 7 - The Final Step, have a "re-birth"

An event that will live long in the memory. Run it on the same day as a WWE PPV too, but make it earlier. Have it finishing just as the WWE PPV starts, because people who were going to be sitting down to watch wrestling that night anyway will likely give it a go. Give them something to remember, something that will make them tune back in next week. For me it would look like this.

Final of X-Division Tournament

Chris Sabin vs Alex Shelley (ladder match)
Give it 20-25 minutes at least. Sabin wins

Knockouts Title Match 

Mickie James vs Gail Kim (2 out of 3 falls with 30 minute time limit, have Mickie tap just after the time limit has elapsed, keeping the title)

Noam Dar vs Kurt Angle (an education for Noam and a passing of the torch a wee bit)

Magnus vs AJ Styles (number one contenders match for the TNA Title, as they were the beaten semi finalists in the TNA Title tourney)

Tag Title Match

The Dudleys vs Bad Influence
No real stip, other than it being a tornado tag.
TNA Title Tournament Final

Bobby Roode vs Austin Ares (90 minute iron man match)

I only just recently seen their match at Destination X last year, but it was fuckin artwork. 28 minutes went by like it was 28 seconds, so why not double it? neigh, why not fuckin treble it and make it an iron man match that will go down in history? This match for me would turn casual observers intae lifelong fans. Give them that feeling. Give them something that the following WWE PPV couldnae hope to live up to. Give them two great wrestlers telling a fucking tear inducing story for an hour and a half. For me, I'd have Roode win it 3-2, with the final pinfall coming 5 minutes before the end of the 90 minutes, giving Aries 5 minutes of frantic brutal offense to try to level it up but have Roode keep on kicking out.

So aye, that might be a lot of shite, but its been in my heid for ages and needed oot. I hope TNA can recover somehow, but I just cannae see it, too many involved not working for the greater good of the company.

Huv a blessed day ya bunch of shaggin bastards yees x 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

WWE RAW Review 15/07/2013

Phil Collins wis naewhere tae be seen, but you could feel it. You could feel it coming in the air last night. Oh lawd.

That thing ye could feel coming wisnae just The Wyatts, they arrived last week, but the maist perfect of RAWs. Managing to top last weeks belter, and for my money anyway, that amazing RAW after WM29. This was just flawless if ye ask me, from top to bottom. No quite as perfect as ICW T2, but as gid as these American cunts are gonnae get eh.

See if the night begins wae a Brad Maddox/John Cena promo and it actually goes over no bad? the only way is up fae there, unless the next thing is The Miz daein a stand up comedy set where every punchline is just him gaun "really?"
The promo was Brad Maddox telling Cena that cause he's a pure innovative GM (so wis Johnny Ace mate, where's he noo?) that he will allow Cena himself to pick his opponent for Summerslam. Immediately the crowd starts gaun "YES!" daft. This is exactly what was needed to placate folk after the disappointment of Bryan not winning the RAW MITB match, Cena reveals he'll tell us later who he's picked, before the guy who actually won MITB Randy Orton comes oot and says some words, I think he invited the two lads tae his barmitzvah. He is interrupted by Fandango, who confuses the living shite oot everyone by claiming he'll be the man Randy cashes in against after he takes the belt aff Cena. Dont hink so pal, but its good tae dream eh, nae herm in it. Sweattox reveals that Orton and Fandango were tae have a match right err n then cause he's the type of GM that makes snappy, sweaty, creepy decisions.

Fandango vs Randy Orton

I really dont like the road they've taken Fandangos character down lately, but theres nae denying he's one of the most talented wrasslers on the roster, and despite his tendency tae bore the tits clean aff ye, Orton has never been better in terms of consistency in the ring. This was a braw wee opener, and Fandango looked very strong throughout. He wis never gonnae win like, but it was far from a squasher. Orton wins, after he swoops in on a helicopter and RKO's Mr Curtis from outta nowhere. 

Dolph finally cuts AJ loose. Gid decsion kid. As much as she makes me pitch a tent in my lower regions, she's a daft wee cow. Onwards and upwards for you buddy. Get yersell in amongst Natalya or suhin, I'm sure Tyson Kidd widnae mind stepping aside.

Another braw Mark Henry promo. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering if I wis mibbe oblivious to him being this good. Maybe I just missed it, but thats no the case eh? He just transformed himself from hard working slightly boring veteran, from promo monster/legit main eventer in the space of a few weeks. Its magicial stuff. He begins by taking his hat off to Cena, and congratulating him on his win last night. He then responds to fans being pricks like nae other, as they chant "you tapped out" at him, he just calmly goes "he woulda tapped all of ya'll out too" It ends with him urging Cena to consider a re-match with him as his Summerslam match, and that's something I widnae mind seeing myself tbh. Like if Daniel Bryan dropped deid or something, Henry wid be my pick. He wont though. Legends never die mate, did ye no hear?
Also Henry gets his shit ruined by The Shield just as he's about to depart. This is the kind of thing The Shield haven't been doing enough of lately, so its gid tae see them looking dominant again.

Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio

Non title match, but for me it was a good chance for Ziggler to get a clean win over ADR before they inevitably go again for the belt. At worst it would be another great match between these two, and that certainly proved to be the case. Dolph was in the asdecency and hit a braw fameasser aff the second rope, but just as it looks like he's about tae bring it home, the bell rings oota nowhere and ADR gets the win by superkicking his heid clean aff. The bell ringer was none other than the recently spurned AJ Lee, and she gies Dolph a wee slap, before Big E breaks oot the doldrums of being s pawn in AJ/Kaitlyns sexual mind games, by hittin the Big Ending and breaking Dolph in half. Dolph sells it like he got squashed tae death between two double deckers. Fuckin hero. Cannae wait for him tae feud with Big E now.

Wyatt magnificence followed. This was just flawless. It starts with R-Truth coming out with the auld "whats up" routine, and then the whole world goes dark. No just that arena, everywhere on planet earth, plunged intae darkness. Darkness becomes light with Rowan and Harper in the ring battering fuck oota R-Truth, before Bray enters and hits "Sister Abigail" on Truth. He then grabs the mic and does that braw thing he does, where he says the words in a scary way. Born to play this character man. Aw they smark wanks who chanted Husky Harris at him last week can eat a plethora of fat dicks. Truth gets up mid promo, and looks like he's going to take a chair to bray, but Bray's lit that "come ahead Mr rapper man!" and Truth correctly gets a large dose of the fear. He fights his better judgement and actually does attempt tae come at Bray, but once again he gets his poor jaw tapped for his troubles. The segment ends with Bray urging Kane to "follow the buzzards" giving a wee bit of credibility to my theory that he might actually become the 4th member. Would be an unexpected wee boost to Kanes career at this late stage, and monster Kane certainly fits the description of what the Wyatts are aw about. Looking forward to seeing where this yin ends up.

Cesaro and Swagger vs The Usos

Ach I was enthused when I seen this announced, cause I'm Usos and Cesaro daft, but it was short as fuck and I didnae like the ending. Cesaro is arguably the most technically sound wrestler on the roster and is getting over with the crowd, so tae have him pinned after a Jimmy Uso roll up isnae a good thing. Didnae mind the Usos winning like, they're the next tag champs for me and Cesaros future should be at the top end of the singles division, but there were better ways to finish this imo. Usos win.

Christian vs Damien Sandow

Entertaining wee match, but again a bit of a baffling finish. I dunno where they're taking Christian ataw here, I assumed he'd be the next to feud with Ambrose but that is yet to materialise, so to have him beat the Smackdown MITB winner would indicate he's mibbe got bigger things on the horizon. Great match though, again mibbe a bit short. Could easily have shaved 5 mins aff that fuckin Cena promo at the end, and gave it to this. Christian dodges the elbow of disdain before rolling Sandow up for the win. Sandow reveals he's no giving a modicum of a fuck but, cause he's still the saviour of our tiny wee pea brains and still yer MITB contract hauder, bur before he can finish his sentence, the bold Cody Rhodes knocks his teeth oot for him. Love this face turn, pure works So it does. These two will have some brilliant matches together, I'm as certain of that as I am that Brad Maddox could sweat through a Berghaus jaicket.

Awrite Vickie? I dont mind what she said, but it was of no significance. Nice tae see ye but, yer lookin well pal. 

Naomi vs Brie Bella

Naomi beats wee tittied Bella. Wee tittied Bella is my favourite Bella, cause I like my titties aw natural, and regularly felt by Daniel Bryan (Dbry is shaggin her incase ye didnae know) the match is awrite, Naomi is gid at the wrasslin, and correctly gets the win after a high crossbody. 

I try tae no make these reviews really long, like long enough tae glance at them and go "nah I'll no bother, look how fuckin long that is" but I'll struggle tae keep my enthusiasm for this promo from spilling intae a 10,000 word essay. It had Paul Heyman, CM Punk and Brock Lesnar and it was fuckin breathtaking stuff. It begins with Punk emerging, and demanding an explanation from Heyman after his henious actions at MITB cost him the chance of the win. Heyman comes out and cuts a fucking stunning 5 minutes promo, about how Punk would be nothing without him and it was THEM who had all that success last year, not just Punk, they were a team and Punk decided he was too good for that team, so now he's gonnae be too good to have a functional body after Brock Lesnar annihilates him. Punk asks if "he's finished" before going off on a wondrous rant about how much of a greasy wee snake Heyman is, and I think he calls him a little bitch, but I'm not entirely sure on that one, he certainly says something that got bleeped anyway.
The shouting match is brought to a close by Heyman sinking to one knee and uttering Punks famous catchphrase "ITS CLOBBERIN TIME" and the clobberer was about to become the cloobberee at the hands of the bold Brock Lesnar. Lesnar emerges and him and Punk actually have a very evenly matched wee brawl, but Heyman gets involved and swings it in Lesnars favour. It ends with Lesnar hitting a fuckin whole body shattering F5 to Punk on the announce desk. Absolute dull yin. I hope yer no deid Punk. Please dont be deid mate, cause you being alive makes this feud potentially one of the best in years. Just look at Lesnars face man, look how intae it he is compared to that treacherous shite he had to endure with Trips (I didnae hate those matches btw, but everyone was phoning it in to a degree) These matches with Punk will be fuckin stoaters. Nae question.

PLEASE GOD NAW. CENA AND KHALI PROMO. AW NAW. NAW NAW NAW. MAKE IT STOP.

It stopped.

Chris Jericho vs Rob Van Dam

Not that he was seeking it out, but for the record, yer RVD earned my respect at MITB. I thought he was a wee bit sloppy, but he was much better than I expected. This match had the potential to be a beezer, and it surely lived up, after a wee bit of a slow start. For me, RVD looks totally invested in this WWE run but his body isnae fully there yet. Wantae have seen the mat haufway intae this match man, just RVD leaving a trail of pore grease and sweaty mess aw ower the place. Six months of bacon cheeseburgers and bongs seepin oot every orifice. The match was fuckin artwork in the middle but, I dont know if these two have had much of a feud in the past but their chemistry wis spot on. Great match, cannae believe it's happened but I'm sold on  this RVD return now, as long as he gets himself fully fit, he'll give us some great matches. Being the fuckin legend that he is, Y2J puts him over and takes the loss after a fuckin picture perfect 5 star frog splash.

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Nae point dwelling too much on the shite patter Cena reeled oot here, as every wrestler fae the locker room stood on the stage waiting to hear who Cena had picked for his Summerslam title defence. He reels oot shite one liners about a few folk, and gauges the crowds reaction before finally revealing his opponet for Summerslam would be none other than DANIEL BRYAN. A fuckin world shattering pop ensues, as Daniel rushes down to the ring to chant Yes about a billion times right in Cenas face. Absolutely soakin wet for this match man, I'd love it to be something special, like a 2 out of 3 falls match or even a fuckin Iron Man match god forbid! (cannae mind the last one WWE had, but I'm sure these two would do it justice) It just has to happen eh, he simply must win the belt. it makes no sense for him not to have a run with it eventually. When it happens, I cannae wait for the tears of joy to comes streamin down my rosy wee cheeks. Gies it now.

Overall a fucking wonderful RAW. If my main guys Ziggler and Cesaro didnae have unfortunate ends to their matches, it might have been my favourite since the attitude era. But its still fuckin real tae me sometimes mate, so when some of the results let me doon, it detracts fae my enjoyment a wee touch. Still a fuckin 9.8 outta 10 but. As near perfect as a weekly wrasslin show can get. Two weeks in a row now, and 3 out of the last 4 its been fuckin great (which makes that shite one in the middle more baffling, convicned Vince Russo wrote that shite)

Listen, if its up yer auntys wee cafe in the toon, or when yer wrist deep in a wee burd ye met up the Catty an hour earlier, stay safe, dont try this.








 


Monday, July 15, 2013

WWE Money In the Bank Review

Considering the fact that I struggled to haud a pen earlier when i signed for a package will tell ye  just how difficult its been tae fight through this hangover tae write a coupla wrasslin reviews. ICW was easy enough, cause of adrenelaine, but this will be a true struggle. I dont suffer through this for the good of my health mate, I dae it cause I love ye.

The show begins with my favourite thing. Ladders right away, nae messin aboot. It was of course the Smackdown MITB match, which was surprsingly all heels. Intriguing stuff right away err, well as intriguing as anything can be that involves the human sleeper hold Jack Swagger.

Cesaro vs Ambrose vs Rhodes vs Swagger vs Sandow vs Barret vs Fandango

Hugely entertaining spotfest this one. As much as I cannae go Swagger, he was part of my two favourite spots (although I'm sure they were big Cesaros idea) the first of which was them haudin each end of a ladder, while Amborse stood in the middle and reached up for the briefcase, but eventually they tossed him oot the ring. With no ladder in the ring, Ceasro then proceeded to climb on Swaggers shoulders and try to re trieve the briefcase that way but yer man Cody Rhodes put a stop tae aw that hilarious shit. Its a hell entertaining affair, and it looks like its about to end wae Cody Rhodes finally breaking out of the seemingly eternal hell in the midcard hes been in for about 15 year, but just as it looks like he has had a bit of a face turn and is about tae grab the briefcase, his tag partner Damien Sandow knocked him aff the ladder and grabbed it himself. Match was an 8 out of 10, bumped up tae a 9 for creative sleekitness. Sandow wins.

 Suffering fuckin christ man. I've said this a few times, but I only re-iterate cause of how absolutely certain I am of this. Brad Maddox stalks his auld high school crush. I'm tellin ye. On the facebook, the twitter even the aul tumblr, he's up in her shit. Whit a creepy wee sweaty man. Him being in a position of prominence in WWE right now is confusing as fuck. A weird promo with Vickie which I only half watched tbh. Yuck.

Curtis Axel vs The Miz (IC Title Match)

I'll gie The Miz credit first and foremost, this is the best he's looked in ring wise for a long time. In a singles match anyway, he played his part in a coupla storming triple threat matches lately. I'm still no a fan of the cunt but, especially as a face, he reminds me of Martin oot the Simpsons, cept wae a fatter mare yellow heid. Match was proper gid though, and The Miz actually got a Figure 4 locked in that vaguely resembled a figure 4 as we'd ken it. Paul Heyman was ejected anaw after  Miz pretended he's been struck by him, so that was fairly amusing.  Axel retained with that weird reverse neckbreaker thing he does. 

AJ vs Kaitlyn (Divas Title Match)

This wasnt as good as their Payback match for me, but it was still a braw encounter. I really fuckin dig gid womens wrestling man. On so many levels. First and foremost, its just gid wrestlin, but also its people wae aw they lovely lassie parts daein it. Kaitlyns got that herd boaby I'm intae, and Ajs just a wee cutey. Fawning err aw the lassies aside, the match was entertaining enough and AJ won with the Black Widow submission thing that I just cannae go ataw, looks like it has nae leverage tae it ataw.

Ryback vs Chris Jericho

Ryback can take his fuckin man titted, cross eyed monstrosity of a boady and take it tae fuck man. Fuckin gargle aw the bawsacks ya prick ye. Just a total boring naecunt who shouldnae be allowed to continue ruining PPVs. He isnae a completely terrible wrestler, but he's no very good either, and if ye can wrestle Y2J and not look brilliant, somethin is very wrong. He fuckin won anaw, can ye believe that pish? I know Jericho is a sound cunt, and he's puttin everyone over during this run, but he should have drawn the line at this haufwit. Ryback steals the win wae the roll-up. Bleugh. 

Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight Title Match)

The finish here fuckin bugged the tits aff me, so the match itself would have to be great to get pass marks. Luckily it was, but perhaps luckily is the wrang word, cause there is really nae luck involved when it comes to the quality of Dolph Zigglers work. A perfectionist when he gets in that sqaured circular canvassy hing. Del Rio also fuckin kills it anaw. When he is given the right opponent, Del Rio is one of the better ones in the cimpany, but the fact that he needs a great opponent to bring it out in him says to me that he shouldnae be in this position right now. A proper Ziggler run would get the WH Belt in the same league at the WWE Title imo. Ziggler hits the fameasser, but ADR kicks out, and the match wears on fae there, Ziggler is in the ascendency, but oot comes that wee daft loonball AJ tae skip roon the ring. She then inexplicably leathers ADR with the Divas belt, and Ziggler gets DQ'd. Totally senseless shiter of a finish for me. So many other ways to split him and AJ up definitively, and this is by far the worst yin for me, aside fae like...murdering wan of them or something. Its a close second to murder, we'll leave it at that.

John Cena vs Mark Henry (WWE Title Match)

Seen some mixed reviews for this, and again I'll say, I didnt like the finish, but the match iself was surprisingly engaging to me. Considering I watched this with the hungover attention span of a coked up ADHD sufferer, it kept me interested. Really brutal at times, with Mark Henry working properly stiff on more than one occasion. That move he done where he dropped Cena ribs first on the steel steps was a fuckin sare yin. Looked to be on the road to his first WWE Title  but like most Cena matches, he of course had a bit turnaround. Kicked out of the Worlds Strongest Slam at 2, and then hit the AA only for Sexual Chaclat tae kick oot at 2 anaw. Cena eventually won with a sloppy as fuck STF. Such is life eh. 

Chrsitian vs Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam vs Daniel Bryan, vs CM Punk vs Sheamus (RAW MITB match)

Bit of a theme emerging here, but once again..loved the match, no so keen on the finish. I really enjoyed the start though. RVD comes out to a great pop, and gets himsell ready to do that thing he does when he points to his back and says his name (is his name even on his back btw? who knows) but the other 5 combatants decide they cannae be arsed hearing it, and decide to boot fuck out him instead. The match had some top quality spots so it did, my personal favourite was the brutal fall Sheamus had which sent him through the ladder on the outside of the ring. Total sare yin. RVD hitting the frog splash aff the ladder was great aswell, and so was the RKO off the ladder Orton hit. No one was a let down here, although I thought some of RVDs work was a bit sloppy, I expected worse. Just when the match looks to be heading for the result everyone expected with Daniel Bryan winning, fuckin Curtis Axel comes oota naeplace and smashes DBry with a a chair, in what looked like an act which was on the behalf of fellow Paul Heyman guy CM Punk. CM Punk dont need no help but, he aint havin that! and he catches Axel with the GTS on the way up the ramp. Whilst he wisnae pleased with how the opporunity came about, Punk isnae daft and realised Axels actions had given him a great chance to get up that ladder himself and get the briefcase. Heyman comes rushing out to supposedly shout at Axel, and encourage Punk, but you guessed it, its a fuckin DOUBLE CROSS. As Punk scales the ladder, Heyman grabs another ladder in the ring and starts flingin it right at Punk. We aw knew it was coming, but for me this was perfect timing. Cannae fuckin wait for Punk vs Lesnar now. Sadly this cracking wee double cross meant that the apex predaviper guy Randy Orton, him that punts people in the temple, had a clear path to climb up the ladder and win the RAW MITB match. Sigh. 

Didnae watch it live, and I reviewed it badly hungover so perhaps it wisnae tinged with the same magic that it widda been if these were live reflections, but listen, I battled hard tae get this done cause I love ye, and want ye to be happy. Overall it was a good show, only shite match was the Ryback v Y2Jaffair, but because I'm a daft wee fanboy, I'll gie it 7/10 cause I didnae liked some of the finishes.





ICW Terminator 2 - Judgement Day Review

Here you! aye you..ye been uptae? did ye get yersell along tae that ICW last night? widdye mean naw? ye fuckin stupit?

If you didnae that was a huge mistake. Monumental.

Brain melting goodness. At a temperature that seemed to be meltin every other fuckin thing anaw.

The night begins as it always does, with a wee intro from our commentators Sean David and Billy Kirkwood. I'll tell ye this, I actually missed Kirkwoods wee bit before the last show, and considering I couldnae really go the cunt for the first few shows I went tae, thats quite the turnaround. Tae paraphrase some of his material, like vaginal warts, he's grown on me somethin fierce. He spends the first 2 minutes with his dick thurst in the ring announcer's face, before reeling out a wee 5 minute set of vulgairty. Its gid stuff.

Wolfgang vs Christopher vs Christopher Saint vs Solar

Wolfy issues a challenge, but before he can tell us whit that might entail, he's interrupted by the teen sensation Christopher. Murmurs of "it better no be this cunt" go around the Garage but dinnae worry, it wisnae just Christopher. Chris Saint comes oot and announces he's the head of security usually but also (twist coming up guys, make sure ye've stretched adequately)  A TRAINED WRASSLER!!!!! Know who else is a trained wrassler, and a fuckin great one at that...Solar. Must be 9 stone if he's that, but the boy is pure talent, so we aw thank our lucky stars when he comes oot. Listen but, they aw done their bit. This was a very entertaining wee bout, and involved a 4 man superplex, so whit could be better? Wolfgang of course prevails, and announces that the challenge he was gonnae make was to Mikey Whiplash for the ICW Belt.

Chris Renfrew vs Jack Jester (Tables Match ..winner faces Sabu at Daves Not Here Man)

I was a wee touch dissapointed with this. It wasnt pish..far from it, but it really just served as a wee promo for Jester vs Sabu. It started with the NAK knocking the shite out of Jester before the match started, openly bending the "no NAK at ringside" rule because the match hadn't started yet, but really that served nae purpose. Jester still won with a fuckin beezer of an elbow drop from the announce desk on to Renfrew as he lay spark out on a table. Renfrew had gone through a table earlier anaw, but it was of his own accord and it had to happen via an "offensive" move so that didnae count. After the match, Jester cuts a long promo on Sabu, whilst threatening tae set Renfrew on fire.

The Coffeys vs Fight Club

You'll be hard pushed to see a better tag match than this anywhere. I mean there was a slightly better one later on the card like, but the belts give these matches added significance. In terms of just a tag match on a wrestling card, with little or no future significance to the division(assuming fight club will split eventually and feud against each other) it was an absolute fuckin thriller. The pace was frenetic at times, and it ended up with all four in the ring just fucking killing it. There was a reluctance in Fight Clubs teamwork, such is the tension between the boys these days, and that reluctance led to a misunderstanding leading to The Coffeys picking up the win. Just a wee sidenote btw, Mark Coffey looks fuckin immense since returning from Japan. He's really refined his already stellar work.
At the end, that head of security fella is reeled out and revealed to be the newest member of the Save Pro Wrestling movement. I dunno if he's their official whipping boy or whitever cause he got slapped about a bit. I like where this stable is headed though, gives Joe Coffey the chance to be the mouthpiece for it and that suits him down to a tee. Character wise he's selling it in a very similar way to CM punk with the Straight Edge Society.

Grado vs Mikey Whiplash (ICW Title match)

Nae disrespect tae Polo vs Dallas btw. It was a hugely entertaining end to the night, but this was the main event. Absolutely no fuckin question about it. I don't think I could adequately explain tae ye just how much this had me captivated. There isnae enough words for it, but I'll ge it a go eh. I always gibber on about good wrestling matches tellin ye stories, aw the best ones do, ye can have the maist technically proficient match on the planet but if ye don't tell me a gid story, I'm no gonnae be interested. This told a story. The perfect story.
It started off with a bit of fun, most of Grados matches do. I felt the pace was a bit slow for the first 2-3 minutes and wisnae sure if it could pick up, but it did. It did wae liberty bells on. 
Grado has improved quite a startling amount as a wrestler over the past year. That's no tae say he was shite before, or his work didnae make sense, aw I mean is he's expanded on something that wis already special. He had the charisma, had in ring work that interested ye, but he's added wee moves to his repertoire with every show. Who else dae ye know that isnae called Brock Lesnar who hits an F5? Exactly mate. The match did indeed pick up, and being the wrestling machine that he is, Whippy began to take over. Something strange was afoot but. Whiplash fuckin brutalised Grado in their previous meetings and done so with glee, but this time his new nice guy persona  meant he was haudin back a bit, allowing Grado to rip the piss. It eventually led to Grado gettin sick of the niceties and slappin Whippy, and that wis a mistake right there. Whippy briefly snapped back intae dangerzone Wippy, and carried out a brutal assault on Grado's jaw, culminating in a fuckin topper of a suicide dive. Then a second one, and then a fuckin third one.
They got back intae the ring eventually, and the final chapter of the story began. Rock bottom from Grado...Whippy kicked out. Roll n slice...Whippy kicked out again. Fuckin F5! and just when everyone thought the belt had changed hands, Whippy got a foot under the ropes. Grado got a bit greedy but, and decided to reel out his wee party piece from their first match at F n L 5, it was rainbow tastin time! Like aw great hero stories, there has to be the odd tragedy along the way, and Grados came via a backslide, the simplest finish to the most complexed of matches. Whippy retains. A gentlemanly handshake followed between the pair. I dunno if they're pals in real life, but they really should be. Wrestling wise, their chemistry is fuckin aff the scale, if that's no best pal material I dunno what is. This wasn't the best match I've ever seen, but I'll tell ye the now, its my new favourite. it was just that fuckin good to watch. The perfect blend of great wrestling, and two characters telling you an enchanting story. Fuckin magnificent.
Whippy also gets on the mic at the end and accepts Wolfys challenge for the ICW belt at Daves Not Here man, I'm at hauf mast for this shit. Should be beautiful.

Jimmy Havoc vs Bt Gunn (thumbtacks and kickpads match)

Brutal. That's the only word to describe this. Not brutal cause it was a spotfest, just brutal because the cunts kicked each others teeth out for a solid 10 minutes. I wasn't sure what to expect from this match, but I reckoned it would be MOTN, it wasnt but after Whippy v Grado, nothing was going to live up. It was still excellent though. Of all the outcomes. I'd say BT Gunn winning was the one I was most sure about, so It was a big fuckin shock to see Havoc win, especially since most of the match was basically a handicap match as that wee Divers prick widnae leave it alone. Havoc dd win though, and will go on to face Rhyno at Fear and Loathing 6. A wee melee ensued afterwards, as the NAK decided tae leather Havoc for having the audacity to win. The Buckys, Wolfgang and Grado came out tae make the save but, and it all ended in everyone having a shot each at jabbin Renfrew. Never a bad thing that.

James Scott vs Mark Andrews

It didnae officially happen, but James Scott is a face now. Get yer "I'm a James Scott guy" t-shirts printed up, and make sure they say "WINNAR!" on the back eh. I'll take one in every size available just incase I need tae deal wae any rapid weight gain/loss. He's over as fuck right now and it's well deserved, his work has always been great but something about the character has just clicked lately. This was a brilliant match. Had the crowd in the palm of their hands so they did, and it was my first time seeing Mark Andrews, so it's not like the whole crowd was invested in their rivalry or whatever. They made that happen with the quality of the match alone. Joyous stuff. Also during this match, there was a johnny baloon floating about, and I'll proudly tell ye I grabbed it and stood on the fuckin thing. See if yer at this amazing wrestling show and yer spending time watching for a blown up fuckin johnny coming in your direction, ye can get tae fuck. Nae offence. I got "heel turn" chanted at me, but I've always been a fuckin heel, so it was watur aff a ducks back tae me. James Scott got the win and after this, hopefully a main event push.

The Bucky Boys vs The Sumerian Death Squad (ICW TAG TITLES MATCH)

Jesus fuckin christ. I was dumbfounded by how good The Coffeys v Fight Club tag match was, but this was just on another level. Dissapointing not to see the first 2-3 minutes of it as they brawled on the outside, but it was an absolute fuckin work of art once it got back intae the ring. Tag wrestling is fuckin dead in America. A fuckin lifeless corpse. Know where the best tag wrestling in the world is? on yer doorstep pal. Its here in fuckin GLESGA,(and across europe of course, nae disrespect to the SDS) but for the most part its fuckin right here waitin for ye. I'll throw a wee negative in here, cause I hated the finish. The SDS make it clear that they want to wrestle the match under traditional rules, and they wind up losing by DQ cause Tommy End took a chair to Davie/Stevie (I cannae mind which one, sawry) Finish just didnae make sense to me, but it didnae detract from what was a thriller of a match, and the rivalry continues as the SDS kindapped The Wee Man afterwards. TLC match at Dave's Not Here would suit me fine. Even just a ladder match. Fuck it, even just a match like that one would be fine with me. I just need tae see more fae these teams.

Mark Dallas vs Jackie Polo (If Polo wins he owns ICW)

I had my fuckin "smark" know it all wrestlin heid on before this, and I'll no lie, I wisnae happy that it was the main event. I thought it was a bit cheap, and shouldn't have been the centerpiece of what was a perfect wrestling show, but I'll happily admit to being very wrong here, cause this was a fuckin riot.  Jackie Polo is an artist mate. A fuckin master of his craft. On the mic, there is no one better in Scotland (Red Lightning is fantastic anaw, but for me Polo has more range, Red cuts strictly heel promos for the most part) The match begins with a fuckin bombshell but, as before they can even get intae it a hooded man delivers a rock bottom to Polo, and that man is fuckin LIONHEART.Hearto appears to vanish intae thin air as dallas goes for the cover but Polo kicked out. The next 5-6 minutes was Jackie Polo creating magic before our very eyes. On the mic as he battled with Dallas through the crowd, in the ring as he fought off aw the hauners Dallas had called upon (includng a wee exchange with Whippy, I'd gie ye one of my kidneys to see those two go at it...even a lung if I could spare it, but mine are fucked) The battle rages on, before fuckin Sweeney comes oot and does the quickest heel/face/heel/face turn in wrestling history. Seemingly turning on Dallas and laying Whippy spark out with Jackies polo stick, only for him to use that same Polo stick on Jackie moments later, giving Dallas the win. It was always gonnae be a Dallas win somehow eh, but he cuts a wee heel promo at the end, so that was fun. Basically cawed us a aw a bunch of dicks for booing him recently, but I know he disnae mean it.How could he after aw the great memories we've shared?


Speaking of beautiful, I cannae mind exactly when, but it was announced that there would be a Bra n Panties match at Dave's Not Here Man between Leah Owens and Nikki Storm, and as a red blooded man with a dick that leans a wee bit tae the left, I'm aw left hand turns for that.

I fuckin loved that show. I'm no sure if it was palpable throughout the review, but if it wisnae it really should have been. As of today I have a new favourite wrestling event, and a new favourite match in Whiplash vs Grado. A fucking outstanding night and I gie it a hearty 10 outta 10. Lovely.





Saturday, July 13, 2013

WWE Smackdown Review 12/07/2013

Smackdown's been braw lately so it has. If yer no in the habit of watching it, dae it. Gid matches, nae Mcmahons. Its a winner.

Christian vs Daniel Bryan

See? I wisnae lying. Absolute stoater of an opening match. Christian has never looked better imo, his work has been so crisp since his return. Top quality match, which Daniel Bryan won with the yes lock. 

Jey Uso vs Seth Rollins

A wee bit gutted the Usos vs Shield match for the tag belts is on the MITB pre-show, mainly because I'll be oot and might not see it, but It should be good regardless. This was an entertaining wee bout, if a bit short. Rollins gets the win the curb stomp, one of my favourite finishers in WWE right now. 

Chris Jericho vs Curtis Axel

Ach why no eh? they fuckin killed it with this match on RAW so why not go again. Another saliva inducing affair here. Two guys who have a lot of chemistry together. A wee bit surpised Jericho got another win over Perfects boay, especially by countout, hope this hasn't served to weaken Axel enough for The fuckin Miz to take the belt. Jericho wins. 

Ryback vs The Miz

Fuckin...sigh. I just dont get it. With either of these guys. I don't think I ever will tbh. The fact that Ryback went over just makes the whole waving off the match debacle on RAW even more confusing. I just don't get any of this. I'd really like them both to go away, but It's no likely is it. Ach well, Ryback wins with the shellshock after 5-6 agonising minutes.

A wee Sheamus promo. I find myself infinitely more interested in this than I would have been a week ago. Thats the magic of having a great match with DBRY eh, it makes me no wantae gub aw the pills in the cupboard when I see Sheamus. He gets fired in tae the wee interviewer lassie, and tries to convince us he'll win the MITB match. He won't, but its pretty amazing that he made me brielfy think he might.

A properly good divas promo between AJ and Kaitlyn. Refreshing change from the routine they've been reeling out every week, where one distracts the other during a match. Its a contract signing, but as these things always seem to do, it descended intae madness. AJ tells us about some texts Kaitlyns been sendin tae the boayz. and one even appears on the titantron, before we get intae a wee brawl, and Big E catches a stoater of a slap aff Kiatltyn. Gid engaging stuff from these two, looking forward to their re-match at MITB.

Wade Barrett vs Fandango

A lot of folk are tipping Barrett for the Smackdown MITB, and I'm no getting it. Dont get me wrong, I'm a fan, but his last 6 weeks in WWE have seen him drop the IC belt, and lose pretty much every match he's been in. This was nae different, although it mainly served tae act as a wee pre MITB melee between aw the cunts in the Smackdown match. Listen but, despite it being a bit messy, it had an Antonio Cesaro appearence, and thats enough tae sort me. Love that cunt so I dae. Fandango wins after Barrett gets distracted by a White Stripes song playing in his head, no Seven Nation Army, another yin.

Alberto Del Rio vs Sin Ziggler

Hahahaha yass! In an uncharacteristic move, Sin Cara fuckin goes for ADR, but it isnae Sin Cara ataw, its the king of making my baws tingle, the boy Dolph Ziggler. Fuckin cannae speak highly enough of how much I enjoyed this shit. I am almost feverish at the prospect at Ziggler gettin the belt back now. Gies it.

A fun wee Vikcie Guerrero segment. She complains that she's been treated with nae respect, and demands that Teddy Long be fired cause he's a tag match daft wee shitebag. I disagree wae this but I respect her right tae her opinion anyway, she did buy a ticket after all. :) gets huckled oot the building for her troubles though.

Teddy Long and Sin Cara attempt tae hash out this whole Ziggler business. Dolph tells them both that it was Sin Cara all along, and he disnae remember because he wis up aw night watchin Red Dwarf and huffin petrol. The segment ends with Teddy Long gettin sad cause Yokozuna's deid.

Randy Orton vs Sheamus

Ach this was fine. It's about as good as many match ever is without Bryan or Punk really. Good enough, but not a lot to write home about. The main talking point was the wee brawl afterwards, as Daniel Bryan takes a ladder tae both Orton and Sheamus. Sheamus takes him oot the game, and Christian comes down tae join the party. Further battling ensues, ending in Orton delivering an RKO to Bryan. Worrying to say the least. Please dont book Orton the RAW MITB, for the love of christ please. Match ends in a DQ.

Overall another really good Smackdown . No real low points I'd say, and the opening match was brilliant. Smackdown is gid. Ye should watch it. Goan...ye ken it feels right. Gie it a bash.

 


ICW Terminator 2 - Preview/Predictions

I cannae stress this to ye enough, the following paragraph isnae me sookin up Dallas' arse. Its just me personally gettin a bit excited about gid wrestling, and if it makes ye uncomfortable ataw, I suggest ye click that wee x up the top corner of yer screen and be done with it. Naw? cool, we shall proceed then.

I was naive enough tae think perhaps this show would be "filler".  With two huge shows coming up in Edinburgh and the 02 ABC in Glesga toon, I thought this show might just be build up for that. A few good matches, but nothing special. Could not have been more wrong there. How dare I even suggest such a thing? fuckin FOR SHAME.

I'll tell ye this once and once only. This show, on paper at least is fuckin perfect. From top to bottom, it has absolutely everything you could want fae a wrestling show, and all for £12? fuckin gies it. If they ran these shows weekly, I'd sell a kidney just to make sure I had the money to never miss one. Too good.

Enough of me salivating but eh, I'll fire in wae a breakdown of the matches and my own predictions. Lovely.

The Coffeys vs Fight Club

Four cracking singles wrestlers, and they combine to make two smashin tag teams (I mean smashin both literally and figuratively there ;) ) I was fine with the card as it was, and when this got announced, I'll no lie tae ye, I went fae 6 tae midnight. I'm Joe Coffey daft, and its the first chance we'll have to see Mark after his Japan trip anaw; so it'll be interesting to see any wee differences in his work. The wildcard element is recent personal troubles the Fight Club boys have had, and I can definitely see that coming to a head, leading to a win for the Coffeys after a good 10 minutes or so of top quality tag wrestling. Aye I'll huv some of this wae bells on.

Prediction - Coffeys Win , Fight Club split. 

Wolfgang issues an open challenge for the Zero G Belt

I'd love this to be Solar, because they had an absolute stormer of a match at the last show, but I cannae see it being the palest Mexican on the face of the earth this time. I have a sneaky wee feeling it'll be Divers actually, and I've nae problem with that either. Good chance for him to establish himself as a singles wrestler after joining the NAK, and he's a talented cunt, so the match should be good regardless. The only thing that would have made the card more perfect would be if it was Noam Dar, but I believe his shoulder's still gubbed. We'll see that match soon enough I reckon though. Maybe stealing the show at Fear and Loathing.

Prediction - Wolfgang beats Divers. If its no Divers, Wolfgang beats someone. Mibbe yer da. 

James Scott vs Mark Andrews

This is a potential show stealer btw. I can see these two having braw chemistry, and having the crowd in the palm of their hand throughout. James Scott is quickly becoming one of my favourite wrestlers to watch. A genuinely irritating heel for the past year in ICW, yet a surprisingly affable face in his appearance at Kelvin Brawl. Not many can do both with such conviction, but he pulls it off. I foresee this being an absolute stoater with James Scott being declared the WINNAAAAR!

Prediction - James Scott wins (mibbe a wee face turn in the process)

The Bucky Boys vs Summerian Death Squad

This match being announced is when I first realised this card was going to be a beezer. I just assumed The Buckys would have another match with Fight Club, or maybe even Team CK, and the re-match with The SDS would be in Edinburgh, but nope. It happens the morra, and I cannae fuckin wait. I assume this will be another cliffhanger type situation, where no matter who wins, its left wide open for a re-match. Maybe a TLC, or something else equally brutal. either way I'm fuckin totally intae this. The fact that there's two tag matches on the same card, that I think could potentially be world class happening 15 minutes fae my hoose makes me a wee bit emotional. I need a minute tae compose mysell troops, sit tight eh.

Prediction - Buckys retain cleanly after another brutal match. SDS go for the handshake afterwards, but attack the boys and leave wae the belts again. 

Chris Renfrew vs Jack Jester (Tables match, winner faces Sabu at Dave's Not Here Man)

I'll no tell ye lies, see the auld bucky swiggin "ICW through and through!" Chris Renfrew? It didnae ring true to me. As a wrestling fan, I didnae buy it. See diabolical screamin heel Renfrew? that does. It fits him like a fuckin glove, and I've went fae casual indifference tae fucking hating him. Cannae dae a better job of a heel turn than that really can ye? This match would have been an all out war even without the Renfrew heel turn, but now that's happened, can see the crowd being totally split (cause theres a lot of NAK fans seemingly, dunno whit drugs they're on like, but there ye go ) and that'll just add to the whole experience. I cannae see Renfrew winning considering Jesters coupon has been next to Sabu's on the poster for the Edinburgh show for months, but this is ICW so ye never know. Either way I expect blood, probably something involving a barbed wire bat, and at least one body gaun through a table.

Prediction - Jester wins, NAK knock his cunt in afterwards. I could see a 4th member being announced here anaw, and its in my heid that it might be a Jimmy Havoc heel turn, but that widnae make sense considering he has a match on the card with BT Gunn. Would be a helluva shock but.

Mark Dallas vs Jackie Polo (If Polo wins he owns ICW)

I honestly have nae clue what will happen here. Obviously Dallas wont be wrestling Polo one-on-one but I dunno who his main hauners will come from. Sweeney maybe? Johnny Moss?  Whoever it is will probably be huge, and be under explicit orders tae shatter Polos jaw into a million tiny pieces. Polo is a fuckin genius but. A true master at his work on the mic and in the ring, and IF he is to win this, I'm sure it'll be an entertaining ride with him as ICW "owner".

Prediction - Dallas wins (with a wee bit of help fae the boys)

Jimmy Havoc vs BT Gunn (Thumbtacks and Kickpads match, winner faces Rhyno at Fear and Loathing)

No entirely certain whit a Thumbtacks and Kickpads match is, but I know I'm excited tae see it. For me this will be the match of the night. I cannae see past it. They are both similar style wise, and both equally able in terms of brutality and just bonafide wrasslin. Jimmy Havoc disnae get the respect he's due in that regard, because most of his ICW matches have been memorable hardcore efforts, but for me, one of my favourite matches since attending ICW was Havoc vs Wild for the Zero-G belt. They fuckin killed it that night, and it was on a great card that night tae. I just hope this isnae ruined by any interference or anything, because I think they could genuinely create something special. BT Gunn should win though, he deserves the chance to go against Rhyno, and I cannae see anyone on the roster having a better match with him.

Prediction - BT Gunn wins

Mikey Whiplash vs Grado (ICW Title Match)  

See this? this here? this is what the term "Main Event" was invented for. This is what wrestling is aw about. A great card, culminating in what should be the most interesting match of the night. Not the best match, although it will be very very good, but the most interesting one. Grado vs Whiplash last year was an utterly captivating match, and the Tag Match which followed was an absolute fuckin riot. Add the richest prize in the company into the mix, and huge dose of mutual respect? fuckin unreal. I'm daft on both of these guys, and I really cannae see any outcome being dissapointing to me personally. Whippy deserves a long run with the strap, so for that reason I'd say I'm favouring him a wee bit, but if its Grados time, I'm sure its for the right reasons. If not, his time will come.

Predicition - Whippy retains, after him and Grado take ye on a wrasslin rollercoaster.

We'll aslo finally get to meet David The Beloved at some point, and nae doubt an appearance from some of the fierce females. Twelve quid mate. Ye'd pay 50 tae see Rod Stewart dae the same set he's done for 40 year, so why no eh? this'll be much better than that.


If yer reading this and ye still dont have a ticket, whit ye fuckin waitin fur? Turn the tele aff and get yersell intae The Solid Rock/Rufus T, get a coupla jars and a wee ticket tae ICW.  Aw the sound cunts are daein it.