Tuesday, October 29, 2013

WWE RAW Review 28/10/2013

RAW just husnae been the same. Love or hate the man, John Cena completes the show. He gies ye something worth talkin aboot no matter whit. He opens this weeks RAW by ripping the utter cunt oota JBL for doubting him, before he informed us that there widnae be a John Cena 'special appearance' on the European Tour, but he was gaun tae fight. I'm gonnae take this as an invitation for a square go, and formally accept.

Ripped it oota JBL some more, before getting aw the bairns oot their seats wae a wee speech about how this is the Cenation, and the champ wis here. Lovely wee promo, vintage Cena. But that wisnae it.

HALLELUJAH!

"The uncrowned champ is here"

Damien Sandow strolled oot, briefcase in hand and tellt John its impossible for an injury like his tae heal so soon. He wis mare wounded than he wis letting on, and because of this Damo is gonnae be cashin in his MITB title shot RIGHT NOO. Teasin bastard but so he is, he decides against it, but Cena pulls him back so Damien just straight up dismantled Johns bad arm wae the briefcase. Mangled it. Then he wrapped his arm roon the ringpost, before daein a wee funny Cena impression when he launched him intae the barricade. This is a brutal beating so far eh? put ye oot the game for 6 months kinda thing eh? well no quite. Sandow finishes off the beating by settin Cenas arm u on the steel steps and shattering it wae a steel chair. He's really needin a new arm at this stage eh? No the best time for him tae be in a match, but he had nae choice in the matter as Sandow decided tae cash in after all.

John Cena vs Damien Sandow (WH Title Match)

Whit a strange bit of booking this wis. The way the segment had gone until then seemed tae heavily favour Sandow being put over strong. He bossed the match, probably due tae him having the use of both arms. Got Cena in aw sortsa armbars n that, draps the knee on Cenas arm a few times. Every imaginable thing ye could dae wae an arm, besides stick it up yer arse...Sandow done it. The arm stuff made sense cause Cena wis hurt, but Sandow disnae use a submission hold that's pertinent tae it so I didnae really get that either. Cena rallies wae some jabs, before they huv a brief jab exchange. Cena inexplicably hits a shoulder block wae the bad arm. Then goes for the 5 knuckle shuffle, cause he appears tae have limited his move set tae hings that require the use of his bad arm. Sandow blocks and goes after Cena again. Vicious Irish whip tae the corner. Tweets Cenas maw and tells her she makes a rotten Steak Pie. Hist a bad cunt so he is. Cena hits the AA ooota naewhere, but for some reason he chucked Sandow a mile across the ring and he rolled oot tae safety. This is when ye ken we were getting this Super Cena routine, cause Sandows quite happily having a wee nap and taking his countout but for some stupid as fuck reason he drags Sandow back in. Locks in that fuckin dire excuse for an STF, but his arms too sare, so Sandow slips oot n hits a beezer of a neckbreaker. Goes for yon full nelson slam hes been using as a finisher, but Cena blocks and comes back wae a fuckin mad mid air neckbreaker hing. Ooaft aye, this wis the gid stuff.
They both get up, n Sandow wriggles his way intae a braw crossface. Cena looks like hes tappin but he fights oot, so Sandow goes n hits the Full Nelson Slam (he cries it you're welcome) surely for the win? NUT .....RAPPPADOOOO...SUUUUUUPER CENA GETS THE SHOODER UP.
Cena goes up top but misses a corssbody by a fuckin mile. Sandow sets up for a piledriver, but ye kent something wis up there cause ye canae dae them anymerr. Cena blocks it and hits the AA tae retain the fuckin belt, despite getting battered before the match, and hit wae Sandows new finisher. Fuck sake.

I'm a big Cena fan n aw that, but this wis perfectly poised for Sandow tae take the belt. This was a chance tae make him a star and its been passed up. If he disnae get another chance at the belt I'm gonnae take Vince McMahon oot for a nice steak dinner, we'll get on great, exchange snapchat usernames n that, then I'm gonnae completely dingy him forever. That'll show the cunt.

The Shield promo backstage. Spoke about how last nights mistakes wont be replicated when Big E n Dean Ambrose have their rematch for the US Title. Ambrose polishes it aff by saying The Shield wurnae gonnae lose the last title they have left, a statement which wis met wae some HEAVY growlers fae Rollins n Reigns. Ambrose called himself the baddest man on the planet or suhin, but he wis aboot tae be the baddest man on the planet wae wan eye if he kept up that patter. Braw wee promo but, and what an exciting start I must say! We were all having a spiffing time.

Big E Langston vs Dean Ambrose

Match wis a dummy so it wis. Big E got the upper hand so The Shield interfered tae cause the DQ. Decided it wid probably be a gid time if they triple powerbombed Big E for a giggle, but The Usos wurnae havin any of it. That sweaty wee spunkrag Brad Maddox jumps oot and fills a paddlin pool wae his forehead sweat before knocking Teddy Longs patter and making it a 6 man tag.

Usos and Big E vs The Shield

Great match this wis, but I'd have rather seen Big E and Medium D finish their yin. Its no a lot tae ask is it? Braw kick fae Rollins on Jimmy or Jey, then Ambrose gets tae work wae yon methodical stomping, sleeper haudin and trash talkin. A potent mix. Uso fights oot wae a chinbreaker then a mental spinning kick tae the temple. Regins gets in and flys at his wee cousin, but Uso#1 reverses intae a DDT and tags in Uso#2. Uso#2 rams his bum intae Seths face. Big E and Ambrose both go flyin over the ropes, leavin Rollins tae try n Superplex an Uso, Uso blocks it and hits a facebuster aff the top. Reigns gets back in and him and Rollins got for a double suplex, but other Uso catches him on the way doon, and they double superkicked Rollins oot the ring only tae turn roon intae  DOUBLE SPEAR AFF THEIR BIG COUSIN. Cousins bein cousins ma man, ye cannae whack it. Job done. Shield prevail.

HBK and Daniel Bryan segment

Shawn phoned in the solo part of this, cause he goes deid behind the eyes when he steps in a wrasslin ring these days. Bryan comes oot and makes the promo instantly 10x more significant despite the fact that he didnae say a word. Didnae even look like he breathed. Aw his energies were channelled towards gien HBK that icy stare. Shawn said he only done whit he done cause Bryan flew at his best pal knee first. No matter whit, Triple H is his besto. He stuck by him through the dark times where HBK wis sellin the plates aff the European Title for a bag ah blues. Hunter needed him tae dae whit he done, and he had tae be there for his BFF. HBK tells Bryan he's sorry. Accept my apology ya cunt. Danny correctly shuns the cheatin wee cunt. HBK tells him he taught Daniel Bryan his most valuable lesson last night, don't trust anycunt. He done ye a favour Daniel ma man! kiss his fuckin feet or suhin. He pleads again for the handshake. Daniel Bryan tells him tae away n shite in his hauns n clap.
FINALLY we get a rise oota Shawn. He tellt Bryan he's been pleadin his case tae anycunt that listens, and he earned mare respect than this. "Shake ma fuckin haun ya wee cunt!" Bryan eventually gies in but he uses the handshake as an opportunity tae fire in a wee Yes Lock, and wait....haud oan, Daniel Bryan has the Yes Lock in on Shawn Michaels? and he's tapping? I take it aw back Shawn, yer no deid behind the eyes ataw pal. Even just getting a wee cheeky glimpse at a Daniel Bryan vs Shawn Micheals match wis enough tae get ma drawers soakin. I said a while back if HBK wis ever tae return, it should be tae face Daniel Bryan. Imagine if it fuckin happened at WM30. That's the only alternative tae Bryan vs Punk for the WWE Belt that I'd accept, cause it wis be artwork meht.

Daniel Bryan stauns backstage wae Renee Young. Lookin tae hash this HBK thing oot. Then oor Renee done a braw job of selling what was about tae happen, and she goes wide eyed and kinda retreats fae the camera shot. Light oot. They're here.
Harper and Rowan hit Bryan wae some big clubbing rights n lefts, before launching him hairy wee face first intae a ladder. He faws at Brays feet and yer mans talkin about the Devil aking him dae it, before he his Sister Abigail on Bryan sending him intae a fence. Then he hurls a container fulla Randy Ortons botches T-Bone Suplexes towards Bryans face. Bryans deid. The devil made him do it. At this point I thought he meant Kane, or Brother Love, or suhin like that but that those options wid later be proven unlikely.

3MB vs Los Matacannaebebotheredthinkinupofanotherpunwaetheirname

Total and utter dick tease this wis. 3MB got an entrance, so yer thinkin they may have a significant role tae play here. They didnae. They jobbed and the wee Bull battered Jinder. This shite needs tae get tae fuck man, same shite, aw the fuckin time. Naebdy gives a fuck about these cunts anymore. Heath had a wee net for the bull, but he couldnae get him wae it and instead HE'S the one who gets trapped in the net! lol. What a swerve! Get this pish tae fuck.

Tamina and AJ vs The Bellas

Ah Tamina. Kinda burd that always has a spirit level on her person at all times. Kinda burd who rips the pish oot ye for drinkin mainstream lager. A burd that could fling ye aboot. The match wis a sloppy pile of baws cause The Bellas are worse than useless, but at least AJ made the shite Bella tap oot so I spose that's no too bad.

Kane vs The Miz

Fuckin yass. A simple squash here. Kane squashin The Miz like the irrelevant wee skidmark he is. Easy as fuck. Chokeslam. Games a bogey. Miz wis selling his injuries fae Smackdown and the Chokeslam he took at HIAC, but he wisnae injured enough tae be squashed we such ease. he got squash cause he can get tae fuck.

Kane wisnae done yet though, and he calls Stephanie McMahon oot for a heart tae heart. Steph comes oot in her Primark diddy huggin jumper and Kane tells her she's been a wee cow. A manipulative life ruining boot. It felt like he wis stickin up for his auld buddy D-Bry, but we get a BIG RID SWERVE. Kane tells Steph that these days being a wee cow is whits best of business, and hands her his wig n mask. The monster is once again a gammy eyed baldy irrelevance.
Steph held the mask proudly above her heid tae finish the segment. On ye go Steph hen, stick it on. It'll be gid.

Prime Time Players are the latest wans tae try this 'best salesman in the WWE' patter wae yon WWE Shop segment. Its my favourite one yet by far, the boays huv got hunners of charisma. Funny coupla lads. Mind that wee push they got when Darren first came oot but? naw? neither dae they meht.

CM Punk vs Ryback

Sufferin fuck. Why? Spose its gid that it definitely seems like this would be the last time Punk had tae work wae this nugget, but why even dae it one more time? there wis a vote on the app about the stipulation, and we chose street fight. Punk cuts a wee promo about Heyman being deid and how Ryback wis a square breasted nae cunt withoot him. The match wis marginally better than their Cell match I thought, but ultimately still shite. Its like if yer spewin, and one of the spew seshes is slightly less painful than previous ones. Yer still spewin. Its still unpleasant. Ryback disnae huv it. He never did. Big awkward moving fandan. If he continues tae get pushed at Big Es expense, its either racism or discrimination against diddies that are the correct shape. Nae other reasons. Punk ducks under that horrendous clothesline and hits oot wae a swinging neckbreaker, before setting up a table. They huv a wee back and forth roon aboot the table, which Punk won via a big kick thae the heid, Ryback landed on the table of course, and Punk hits him wae the flyin elbow through the table, Anaconda Vice fur yer supper, and Rywank taps.

Darkness

We here the Wyatts music again. This is it. This is finally it. They've finally made the mark we aw thought they would soon enough. Leaving naecunt diddies like Miz and Kofi behind and gaun after the big boays. Bray leads his flock oot, and Punk eggs them on. Come ahead ya diddy rides.
Rowan and Harper attacked and finally got the better of Punk after a wee battle. Harper irish whips Rowan intae Punk wae the big splash in the corner and that's Brays cue tae get up. He looks Punk in the eye, but Punks still got some fight left and he heidered Bray right between the eyes. Harper responds tae that wae yon cracking lariat he does, and Bray finally delivered Sister Abigail.
The devil made him do it.

A few theories bouncing aboot about who the "devil" he's referring to is. I think its just him bein aw dark n mysterious tbh. Brays character disnae fit in wae answering to a higher power ataw. Time will tell but eh chief.

Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs The Real Americans

Oh whit a lovely wee surprise this wis. Not only was Cesaro involved in a proper wrestling match, where he wisnae reduced tae spinnin some jobber aboot, but the match wis a fuckin cracker AND The Real Americans went over. Mental. Goldust and Cesaro kick things aff and ye can instantly tell they have chemistry. Swagger gets in there tae and even he's lookin sharp. Its aw just workin in this match so it is. Snapmare and a knee tae Cesaros melt by Cody, followed by a facebuster. Goldust wae a running bulldog when he got back in anaw. Then a springboard dropkick fae Cody. Magic. Gid fuckin tag wrasslin, every week. Cannae whack it. Censaro deadlifts Cody and flings him for miles wae the gutwrench suplex. Swagger gets in and hits the Swagger Bomb, then yon double team foot stomp spot and The Real Americans were right in control so they wur. Mental considering they lost tae yer Matadors the night before, and The Rhodes boys retained their belts in that brilliant triple threat match. Cesaro with yon chuck up in the air and uppercut spot, but Goldust breaks up the pin at 2. Goldust gets back in and gies us aw the classics. Beautiful uppercut, and some jabs up the ropes. Corssbody on Swagger but Swagger rolled oot of the pin and locked in the Ankle Lock. Getting tae yon frantic part of these matches and that only means one thing. Its time fur a finish. Goldust counters the ankle lock and rolls Swagger up for 2, before everycunt clears oot. Swaggers takes Goldust doon, and gets a second Ankle Lock in (I'm no fuckin calling it the Patriot Lock neer im no, leave it) and Goldust fuckin taps oot. A non title win for yer Real Americans, and in a braw match tae. Lovely.
Oh and Cesaro was on the outside when Swagger got G|oldust tae tap oot, an when he discovered whit happened he done the maist hilarious celebration. Pure unadulterated joy, and if my man Cesaro is happy, we should aw be happy. That's the rules.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Del Rio cutting a promo in a suit. Nae belt, means nae attention. Dingied it.

Summer Rae vs Natalya

A singles match between two Divas who had an interest in pro wrasslin before WWE recruited them? On Raw? never thought I'd see the like again, but that's whit we got here. A short but entertaining wee contest. Summer Rae on the main roster is the only thing happenin right noo which actually is fuckin best for business. Hilariously Khali hovers aboot in the ring when the match is due tae start, cunt looks like he regularly forgets how tae function as a normal human, and has tae start fae scratch every now and again. He stauns on the apron for a few seconds before the daft big cunt realises he's no in the match. Still looked extremely confused by the whole hing when he does eventually accept he's tae get oot.
Summer hits a lovely kick intae the corner, and does some high pitched screamin at poor wee Nattie. Leave her alane ya wee cow. Summer locks in a beautiful Indian Deathlock and shouts at Nattie tae tap, before rolling it intae a pin for a 2 count. Two lassies that can fuckin go. Mental.
Natty fights back wae some knees in the corner, and a wee slap but Summers back on top soon after. Gets a camel clutch lookin hing locked in where it looked like she wis feedin Natalya her ain hair, Massively impressed wae Summer here, in every way imaginable, but she lost tae the maist wonderful lookin sharpshooter I've ever seen. Chugged masell dry err it.

Randy Ortons WWE Title celebration closed the show, and by fuck, it wis a demoralising way tae bring a stoater of a RAW tae a close. Pish. Turgid pish.
Aw the wrasslers are gathered on the stage including CURTIS FUCKIN AXEL lookin fit as a fiddle. Whit the fucks that aw aboot? if ye pull out of a title defence, I want tae see ye admitted tae a hospital wae a road sign stickin oot his heid or suhin.

Triple H comes oot and talks about how good Randy Ortons tap lip tastes, before Orton emerges for some fuckin reason. They had a boke inducing group hug. Steph talks aboot Randy being whit we all aspire tae be. He got on the mic and naebdy cared. Even Orton stopped caring haufway in. Monotonous pish before The Big Show charges oot. Everycunt clears the ring, but Orton does a wee sneaky sneaky, and hits him fae behind wae the belt. Big Show knocks him oot for the sneakiness and then we had a showdown between Trips n The Big Show. In 2013 this is the main rivalry. Triple H shat oot it and went hame. RAW ended wae The Big Show shakin his heid as a cenral figure in the storyline involving the main belt. In 2013. Take this shite tae fuck.

Overall a smashin RAW. Opening segment was one of the best of the year, even if it had the wrang finish. Wyatts at the forefront of it aw, and Cesaro going over strong without any spinnin aboot. Negatives were nae Ziggler and a total rotter of a final segment, and that makes this weeks RAW a right decent 7.25 top rope hurricanranas oota 10.

Stock photie of Giant Gonzalez tellin ye hes yer mad uncle.







Monday, October 28, 2013

WWE RAW Preview 28/10/2013

50 minutes tae it starts eh? I can mibbe make this awrite wae that sorta time. Or I could list 26 things I hope tae see fae tonights RAW, with each one attached tae a letter of the alphabet. Aye. The second wan. We'll dae the second one.

A - Antonio Cesaro
B - Billy Gunn taking a clothesine fae hell aff JBL, and daein a frontflip right intae Khalis trooser pocket.
C - COLT CABANA
D - Daniel Bryan being given a WWE Title shot TONIGHT.
E - E for Big E. The da.
F - Faaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaangooooooo.
G - Goldust.
H - Heidenreich joins Cole on commentary. Sticks his wet index finger in Coles ear.
I - Intercontinental Title is vacated cause Axel burst baith hips when he wis shaggin yer Uncle.
J - Jericho
K - K-Kwik. R-Truth. Whitever. He's shite.
L - Ladders. Aw The ladders.
M - Millyins ah dollas.
N - Nae Triple H. Not a hint. Nae extra ceiling space required fur that fuckin beak. He's no err.
O - Orton forgets how tae tie his shoelaces. Triple H refuses tae teach him. "He must walk alone"
P - Percy Watson.
Q - Question time wae CM Punk. He answers audience queries, and caws them cunts when they're being cunts.
R - Rick Martel returns n tells Fandango he isnae flamboyant enough.
S - Shango. Papa fuckin Shango.
T - THREE AINT ENOUGH MAN I NEED FIVE.
U - Under qualified paramedic fails tae save Del Rio's tongue when he gets it stuck tae an Ice Lolly. Nae mare promos.
V - Vampiro returns and eats The Miz.
W - World Heavyweight Champion John Cena is attacked by a bear. Sandow cashes in his MITB title shot tae become the new champ.
X - XXX - Aksana in the buff or suhin. I dunno, X wis a hard yin.
Y - Yip Yip. What it do. Ryback reverts back tae Skip Sheffield n jobs tae Zack Ryder.
Z - Zeb producing evidence that the wee bull wis kidnapped, and Los Matadores get deported.

Enjoy RAW. Feel free tae wreck yer hoose if any of the 26 hings above don't actually happen tonight.

WWE Hell In A Cell 2013 Review

Hell In A Cell is an odd yin. Ye see the name and instantly reminisce about some of the classic Cell matches we've been treated tae over the years. The breathtaking physical spectacle Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker served up on a bloodstained platter. The iconic and borderline suicidal bumps Foley took. The first and for me still the best Cell match, which ended in blood drenched betrayal after Kanes debut led tae HBK stealing the win over Taker. Also, Taker v Trips at Mania eh.....happened. I'd gie it 6 oota 10 personally, but who am I tae argue wae the best there is, the best there wis, and the best there ever will be? I'm a naecunt.

I didnae watch the pre-show btw. Heard Big E v Axel wis aff cause Axel burst baith his hips when he wis shagging wee dugs up the luggy park, so I dingied it and watched Noam Dar vs AJ Styles on Challenge instead. There wis a match though and I ken who wins it, but I don't know the finish or anything the match contained. I'm gonnae take a guess at it here and if you seen it, let me know how close it wis. There's nae prize for partaking in this other than the sense of achievement ye'd get fae getting involved ma man. Awrite here we go..

GUESSWORK - Damien Sandow vs Kofi Kingston

Sandow starts out strong, wee bitta side Russian leg sweep. Kofi comes back wae some kicks, and a springboard crossbody/dropkick...mibbe baith. Sandow gets back on top wae the Elbow of Disdain, but Kofi rallies again, and comes close tae Trouble In Paradise. Sandow eventually gets the win wae that new finisher he does. Yon Full Nelson slam hing. The End. Mibbe a wee dive tae the outside wae him landing on his feet fae Kofi anaw.

Wis I close? bet I wis. Dolph wis on the pre-show panel btw, which is a fuckin travesty, but he looked happy enough tae be there. Making the best of it Dolph ma man, widnae expect anything else. Kaitlyn err tae lookin mighty fine. I want her tae spear me through a table made ootae chocolate or suhin. I dunno.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes vs The Usos vs Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns (WWE Tag Title Match)

I see a lot of patter about Goldust being just as gid as he was in his prime, and I wholeheartedly disagree meht. He isnae as good as he was in his prime, he's BETTER This is Goldust in his prime. Gie him aw the shiny belts. Well no them aw, but at least wan mare belt tae go with his current belt. He goes for a pre match handshsake wae his brerr but Cody misses it and that wid be their only failure of the whole night.
This match wis jist lovely. A ridiculously high bar to set the rest of the roster. Bet ye WWE are kinda regretting putting this first, cause nothing really matched uptae it tbh. Bryan n Orton rivalled it for match quality, but the finish in that still puts a dampner on it for me.
A relevant, and exciting WWE tag division in 2013 eh? who widda thought it. So much of this year has been returning tae old methods that fuckin worked. Similar dynamics tae the attitude era, just a lot mare PC and corporate but yer still getting some top quality wrasslin and at times captivating storytelling.
This yin starts wae the Uso brerrs and the Rhodes brerrs huvin a wee set to. Cody and Jimmy or Jey huv a magic wee exchange, before they baith block each others hiptoss attempts and an Uso hits a scoop slam. Goldy gets back in, and delivers some braw uppercuts tae an Uso before bootin him in the melt.
Rollins finally gets in and decides tae get Goldy in a headlock, cause this shit wis too good so far. We were needin calmed doon. Cheers Seth. Big Roman gets in n jabs Goldys coupon for him, before chinlockin me tae sleep. Yer Goldust fights oot it afore Reigns fails tae go over properly for the backslide. Him and Goldust have had some gid moments together, but that wis a wee reminder that the big yin is still a wee bit rough round the edges.
Goldust ends the unfortunate wee sequence of shiteness wae a braw DDT and we finally get tae see Rollins again. Flyin dropkick tae Cody on the apron means that Goldust has naebdy tae tag when he goes tae the corner. The Usos urge him tae tag wanna them in and he gies in and decides tae dae it, but Rollins then pulls them aff the apron anaw. Reigns hits a spear on Goldust seemingly for the win, but Cody breaks that up. Nae second reign for Reigns.
Cody hits a moonsault on Rollins but he kicks out at 2. An Uso makes a blind tag, and gets tae flyin aw err the place. Crossbody on Rollins, kicks tae the gut, and an erse splash in the corner. Reigns breaks the count this time and ye get the feeling like we're getting intae another one of these frantic finishes.
Uso #1 sends Reigns and Goldust over the ropes, and hits a flying crossbody, and back in the ring Uso #2 tosses Rollins a million feet in the air and catches him in a Samoan Drop.
Eventually we get back down tae Cody and Rollins and this is when business picks up serr. Cody blocks a superplex attempt, and instead decides tae superplex Rollins aff the top rope tae the outside where every other cunt in the match seems tae be huddled together. Belter of a spot in a belter of an opening match. Gid tag wrasslin ma man, ye cannae whack it.
In the ring an Uso hits a big splash aff the top rope tae break up Codys pin attempt on Rollins, and as he drags Rollins tae the corner Reigns hits him wae a spear, Uso superkicks Reigns, Goldust  gets hit wae a boot tae the melt by Rollins, before Cody hits the CROSS RHODES FURRA WIN. After Goldust pushed Rollins intae the path of his wee brerr.
Fuckin beautiful opener. Between ICW and WWE, we're getting treated tae a wealth of gid tag shit these days. It makes me want tae disrobe and go a wee nudey celebratory jog so it does. Brawer than the brawest hing since they sterted keepin records on things.

Miz/Wyatts Promo

Any excuse tae hear Bray say words is a gid thing, but I have numerous issues wae this, which I will list for ye below, wae numbers n aw sorts.
  1. They had The Miz tied tae a railing on Smackdown, whilst he wis spark out, wae 'liar' written on his chest, so how the fuck is out here wae just a slight limp cutting a promo?
  2. Why?
  3. When Bray said his words, how come he wisnae oot there in person?
  4. Why did any of this happen?
  5. I don't understand. Somedy tell me.
  6. Please
Aye but. Miz tells him and the boays tae come ahead. Bray appears on the titantron and tells Miz he wants tae put him out his misery. It pains him tae see Miz so dishevelled. Please understand, your words mean nothing tae Bray. If only you could see the monster which lies behind Brays eyes (and prolly doon his troosers anaw)
Rowan and Harper appear and knock the steamin shite oota Miz before EH BIG RID MACHINE RETURNS! Kane's back troops. First time since he got mauled at Summerslam. Big boot tae Rowan before he sends Harper flyin. It looks and smells like hauners for The Miz, but don't be fooled, that walloper catches a chokeslam for his troubles anaw. Nighty night ya diddy ride.

Gid tae huv ye back Kane serr. When ye ripped that cell door aff aw they years ago, I obtained my second full on erection (first yin wis tae dae wae a certain poster of Sable in a catsuit) so you and Hell In A Cell will always go hand in hand. Follow The Buzzards but eh.

Fandango and Summer Rae vs Natalya and Khali

Don't huv the faintest clue why this wis on the PPV, but it wis ok. As long as it leads tae Summer Rae being a permanent fixture on the Divas roster and she gets a proper feud wae Nattie, I'm fine wae it. Their exchanges in this match were pretty gid, and Summers just a talented evil wee Barbie doll. Fandango gets on the mic briefly before we start, and caws himself the best salsa dancer since its invention. Him and Summer huv a wee jig but the perty stoaps stane deid when Khalis daft music starts. As much as I hate Nattie being aligned wae this nugget, she does a lot of bouncing tae his music so its no aw bad eh. Anyway listen, we had some braw stuff between Summer and Natalya so that's gid. Usual mixture of chops, slaps, big boots and lookin like he needs a shite fae Khali. Fandango done his best tae work wae the big lump, god bless his hert, Just wisnae tae be.
Summer gets in and gies Khali a tellin aff for bein awfa rough, but Natalya gets her in a headlock for her troubles. Summer takes a shoulder block before delivering a lovely wee hiptoss intae a pint Backslide fae Natalya gets a 2 count, before a lovely dropkick fae Summer. She gets right cocky but, and gets tae gyrating they hips aw err the place. Natalya puts her on her face for her cheek, and skelps her erse. Stauner. Fandango gets tagged in and gies it aw the gyrating patter anaw, so Natalya sweeps his feet oot fae under him.
Fandango takes Khali aff his feet wae a dropkick, but thankfully the lassies get back in and after some brief tomfoolery, Summer rolls ootae the Sharpshooter, and rolls Natty up for the pin.
Actually a lot better than It should have been, mainly due tae the brawness between the burds. Natalya could wrassle a binbag fulla auld sweaty vests and I'd prolly love it right enough. Ye've got ma digits Natty hen, gies a bell when ye get a spare minute eh darlin. x

Dean Ambrose vs Big E Langston (US Title Match)

Big E's on the card after all! There is a god. I widnae have minded seeing the big wonder take this belt here. Dean Ambrose is a star in the making no matter whit, he disnae need the belt tae make him, but for me Big E wid benefit hugely fae a strong run with a midcard belt.
This match wis made on the pre-show cause it wis frankly daft that Ambrose wis left aff the card anyway and Big E's got momentum so lets get it awn.
Ambrose gies the Big Yin a wee slap tae start, so Langston hits him wae the standing diddy splash hing he does. Follows it u wae a regular auld splash in the corner and a wee backbreaker. Beautiful succession of chops fae Ambrose, afore he catches some big knees in return and a braw back body drop. Then a proper bearhug Air goes fleein oota Ambroses lungs, before he fights oot and gets sent flying when he dives at Big E in the corner. A wee bit outside hi-jinks occur, and then Deano tries suhin wholly daft. Tries tae suplex Big E back intae the ring which is the height of madness. He got too much for ya man! Even if ye had yer pals wae ye it widnae be enough man, cause when ye wantae lift Big E Langston THREE AINT ENOUGH MAN, YOU NEED FIVE.

(I'd like tae take this opportunity tae apologise for that joke there. You expect better fae me. Correctly so)

Ambrose takes over at this point, and he gets Big E pinned on the ropes for a few slaps, before hittin him wae a dropkick. Naecunt better in the company at the the wee mind games hings than Ambrose. When he gets the upper hand, its aw methodical and aw braw. Big E fights back though and reverses a sleep by flein intae the corner wae Ambrose on his back. Running diddy splash fae Langston gets a 2 count, before he misses wae the big slash. Disnae miss wae that belter of a belly tae belly, but he only managed a two count.
Then we get exactly whit aw the "Wrestling is too PG these days, I miss aw the tits" have been slavering fur when Big E gets busted wide open. Fuck knows how but he had a huge cut below his eye, lit sumdy had took a Stanley blade tae it or suhin. Bearing this in mind, Big E still disnae gie a monkeys. Throws caution tae the wind when Ambrose is staunin on the apron and Big E SPEARS HIM AFF THE APRON TAE THE OUTSIDE. Baith boayzies doon. Big E crawlin back in and he makes it at 8, but Ambrose stumbles aboot and decides against it. Up the road. Lost the match but kept the belt. Big E isnae fuckin huvin any of the that though. If he wisnae walkin oot of HIAC wae a shiny belt, he WILL leave wae a wee scar under his eye, and he will leave having hit the Big Ending on Dean Ambrose.

Braw match. Short, but fantastic tae see a coupla talented, charismatic young cunts daein the business. Born with none of the genetic wrasslin gifts that were afforded to Curtis Axel, but they work like a coupla cunts that have had tae graft tae ger where they are. That's whit its aw aboot. No saying Axel husnae worked hard, but he also cuts promos that doctors are recommending as a viable alternative tae sleepin pills.


CM Punk vs Ryback and Paul Heyman

Poor Punk. He puts oan one of the most brutal displays of storytelling in wrasslin history against Brock Lesnar and whits his reward? getting tae batter his mentor wae a Kendo Stick and huvin tae work wae a coupla shanners like Curtis Axel and Rywank.
A coupla cunts that sook the charisma oota any rom they enter. They're the reason HBK lost his smile. They caused Montreal. They caused Goldberg tae botch that kick. They caused The Rock tae end CM Punks reign wae a fuckin elbow drop. It wis them all along.
The two wrasslers come oot, afore Heyman gets rolled oot in a poorly manned chairlift type hing, which lifts him on tae the tap of the Cell, and on his road up he gies Punk some patter about how he's the devil, he is Satan himself, he is the best in the world. It wis fuckin rerr, check it oot if ye get the chance bud, nae pressure.
Then the match started and it wis predictably shite. Gid start though, as Punk batters Ryback aff the Cell and hits him wae the first kendo stick of the evening. Ryback grabs him and gets his revenge by ramming Punk intae the cell quite boringly. Stood on his neck a bit tae, so fuck.
Mare messiness roon aboot the Cell, mare neck stomping. This square diddied cunt has a thing for choking folk eh? Finally a spot worth talking aboot when Ryback lifts Punk for a suplex, only tae smash him aff the Cell repeatedly. Know that way when ye were playin fitbaw in school n ye'd get nudged aff the baw and intae the nearest wall? it wis like that, cept sarer and mare sweaty.
Ryback hits an awrite lookin backdrop hing before inexplicably gaun for a bearhug while Punk wis on the ground. Yer mans on his last legs n you gie him a fuckin cuddle? Utter clown of a man.
Punk rallies n dropkicks his stupid leg oot fae under him, before delivering the high knee in the corner which Ryback sells as if he got a wee fright. Goes for the springboard crossbody but Ryback catches him fur a powerslam and pulls down the straps on his singlet tae reveal A COUPLA PERFECTLY SQUARE DIDDIES.
Punk picks up a Kendo Stick and goes tae town on Rybacks breid basket. Wee shot tae the heid anaw, followed by the running knee then the Macho Man elbow drop which he kinda butchers a wee bit. That got a 2 count. Gonnae huv tae put this cunt tae sleep I think Punk. Mare kendo stick shots followed. At this point aside fae that wee suplex spot, there's nae reason for this match tae huv been in the Cell.
Punk gets a fuckin table oot and its gets set up on its side for some reason. That reason is revealed soon after, as Punk gets drapped baws first on the upturned table. Interesting spot, cannae say I've ever seen a table used tae maim a cunts baws before.
Ryback sets up the table, looks up at Heyman and goes "how dae mah diddies look fae up there?" Totally diddy conscious so he is. Ryback somehow finds himself on the table, so Punk hits yer Macho Man elbow drop again tae put him through it. Ryback gets up at the same time as Punk fur some unfathomable reason, despite having just went through a table, but he's no up for long as Punk hits him wae a kendo stick/GTS combo and that's game over. Well its game over fur Ryback, but theres a certain wee greasy genius dwelling up the tap of the Cell that needed dealt wae.

Punk grabs a shiny new Kendo Stick and stick it in his trunks. Up tae the top he went. Nowhere to run to Paullllll, nowhere to hiiide.
Punk asks him whit else he's supposed tae do? Heyman disnae provide a viable alternative so he gets KNOCKED THE FUCK OOT. A gid 10-15 shots tae the back wae the kendo stick, before Punk whoops up the crowd and then its night night time. GTS. Night Paul.E, wis nice knowin ye pal.

A lot of writing for a shite match eh? fuck it. The finish wis no bad and Punks some man. He deserves aw the writing.

Los Matadores vs Jack Swagless and Antonio Cesaro

Pile ah fuckin baws. Cesaro got tae spin Epico or Primo aboot for ages, cause he's apparently some kinda circus wrassler noo. They dae yon double team spot, where Cesaro hits the double foot stomp and apart fae that, there wis fuck all ye needed tae see here. Los Matanaecunts won wae a fuckin shiter of a double team move on Swagger. The Wee Bull hit a hurricanrana on Cesaro cause he wis trying tae stop them bullying Zeb and Zeb got away unscathed. Nae reason fur this tae be anywhere near a PPV. Dae something worthwhile wae Cesaro or ye can chase yersells.

Bert Del Rio vs John Ceenah (WH Title Match)

Any other champion I'd have been dead against this. Sorry John, yer ma mainest man, but there's nae way ye should be rushed back fae injury two months early and immediately booked tae take a big belt. Its not on. When its Del Rios belt? aye meht. Have at it. Huv the IC Belt while yer at it anaw but drap that tae Big E asap.
Del Rio goes after the burst elbow early on and Cena escapes, fearing a re-bursting of the aforementioned elbow. Cena gets some Irish Whips on the go, afore hittin a tasty wee Bulldog. Kick tae the ribs and dropkick fae Del Rio. Bashes Cenas arm on the steel steps after bootin him oot the ring, the cheeky midden. Mare vicious kicks. I don't hink he's very nice tbh wae ye troops. Seems tae kick folk in the belly a lot. Cena fucks up a drop toehold, afore Del Rio hits a brammer of a German Suplex. Tries tae work on the arm, and eventually gets an armbar type hing locked in. Cena fights oot eventually and hits a braw wee hiptoss, followed by a right gid dropkick. Bert gets back in the ascendancy but cause he's the man wae aw the armbars. This yins just yer classic everyday armbar, nuhin tae write hame about. Cena fights oot and goes tae adjust some attitudes, but he kicks kicked in the leg and tellt where tae go. Del Rio tries tae come aff the tap rope, but Jan Seeenahs got a bit less bulk on him these days, and that means yer mans hittin aw the dropkicks. Catches Del Rio perfectly wae a mid-air dropkick, afore gaun for yer attitude adjustment again. This time De Rio reverses it tae the backstabber and michty me, whit a stoater of a match this wis.

Tornado DDT aff Cena, cause incase ye hudnae noticed, the man can fuckin wrestle. Its never perfect but he does a lot of things well. Gaun up tae the top rope has never been one of those things right enough, and Bert catches him on the temple wae a kick as he went to the top. Cena goes for the STF after ducking a kick fae ADR, but he blocks it and hits oot wae a tilt o whirl backbreaker. That's no pittin Cena away but, so he gets hung upside doon in the corner fur bein such a hero, and booted mercilessly by the Mexican Chris Sabin. Cena ducks oot the road of the last kick, and goes up top tae hit a fuckin decent crossbody. I retract my previous statement Cena meht, FLYYYY LITTLE PELICAN.
Del Rio tries the crossarmbreaker, but Cena rolls through and locks in that fuckin ridiculously sloppy shiter of an STF. Del Rio asks the ref why Cena's cuddlin him, but he gets nae answer, so he gets tae the ropes, breaks the bold and superkicks Cenas jaw aff fur him fur a 2 count.
Finally gets gets the crossarmbreaker in, but ye ken fine well we're gonnae huv a mental spot, where Cena displays that his arms totally healed. That's whit we get when Cena lifts Del Rio whilst the Cross Armbreaker is still in and slams him doon. Cena goes for the AA, Del Rio blocks and goes for the Cross Armbreaker again, Cena blocks that and finally, efter about a hunner attempts, he hits the AA tae become the new World Heavyweight Champ.

I don't mind this cause it'll mean I can go back tae ignoring all Alberto Del Rio promos, but aw the same, he needs tae drap the belt tae somedy who deserves it, and quickly. Hopefully tae Sandow, or Cesaro, or Dolph, or mibbe even fuckin Drew. Just somedy that's due it.


AJ Lee vs Brie Bella (Divas Title)

AJ hen, you are killing it right now. Even when yer gied a shiter like this to work wae, ye still make it interesting enough. That's not tae say this match was interesting like, cause it most certainly wisnae, but the wee rivalry has been passable. Brie isnae too bad compared tae most of the model/wrasslers, but it disnae come naturally to her so a lot of the time ye get matches like this yin, which had nae pace tae it whatsoever. Brie strings together some dropkicks and a flying forearm and everyones erse collapsed in harmony. Surely this nugget couldnae take the belt? Brie does yon roll through intae the half crab hing which is really all she he has that disnae make ye want tae bin her, but AJ got tae the ropes and then locked in the Black Widow for the win. Know whit that means mon frère? NAE BELTS FURRA BELLAS. Everyone grab the person nearest ye, and as long as its no a relative, or a particularly stinkin flatmate, get that person pumped.

Triple H n Shawn huvin a wee chat backstage before the main event. Shawn needs tae do what's best for business, and that's superkicking his daft pal tae his nose is human sized.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton w/ Shawn Michaels Special Guest Ref (Hell In A Cell match for the vacant WWE Title)

Mind when HBK used tae stop the show? that was his thing. That wis how we all loved him. He wis the show. He wis the match of the night on the majority of cards he wis ever on. He had the charisma on the mic tae pull off any kind of promo. He had the adaptability tae work good matches wae useless lumps like Batista and Hogan (In Hogans case I mean that purely based on limited in-ring ability, Batista is bad at all things human related) and for me he worked some of the most enjoyable matches I've ever seen at WM with Chris Jericho, Bret Hart, Taker and Ric Flair.
Its for these reasons that I'm no a huge fan of these wee appearances he makes since he retired, cause as much as he usually does a decent job of contributing to whichever storyline he is asked tae, it still disnae feel like the same cunt. It feels hollow. The music's the same, but the swagger that used tae go wae it is gone. The thirst for the limelight has faded. He disnae live for wrestling anymore, and Shawn I'm right happy fur ye meht. Ye've found that inner peace, and that means ye can go aboot huntin, n grawin beards, n takin the weans tae the swimming, but it also means ye shouldnae be involved in wrasslin angles anymore.
HBK comes oot first, then the wrasslers, and then Triple H. Triple Hs presence wis met wae one big melodic sigh fae everyone watching this shite, but he just draps the belt aff n gets back tae braidin Stephs hair.

A match breaks oot and Bryan gets us gaun wae a missile dropkick. Orton counters that wae that fuckin pish spot where he drops his opponent belly first on the ropes. He done it 3 or 4 times anaw, which baffled me, cause ye can dae that in any match ya clown. Ropes are there 24/7, that isnae Cell specific brutality ma man.
He drags Bryan tae the outside n smooshes his face aff the Cell, before Bryan reverses an Irish Whip intae the steel steps. Back in the ring Bryan kicks some charisma intae Orton before setting him up in the corner and hitting another peach of a dropkick, and then another tae send Orton outside for some suicide dives. How many I hear ye ask? Number one lands perfectly, sending Orton intae the Cell. Number two goes exactly tae plan also, but when Number three gets cleared for take-aff, Orton moves ootae the flight path and Bryan goes melt first intae the Cell. A sare dunt ye might say.
Orton goes for the corner jabs, but Bryan reverses intae a flip powerbomb hing. Oh aye, this is whit I wanted fae this as a match so far.
A fuckin uppercut war followed and it wis beautiful. Wrasslin wise this is the most I've enjoyed Orton by a distance, and even then the thought of him winning, n cradling that belt lit a wee sick puppy or suhin gied me the dry boke.
Bryan wins the uppercut exchange and follows it up wae that top rope Hurricanrana, quick rollup fae Orton leads tae a 2 count, then that's reversed intae the Yes! lock. Somedy notify the Blazin Squad, cause these boys are daft fur flip reversin it.
Back err at the Cell, Bryan dropkicks yer Orton and then its time for a wee break. Bryan goes tae work on the midriff of Orton wae a chair, before taking a wee time out tae throw about 10 chairs in the ring. Goes tae continue the chair assume in the ring, but auld sleekit nae eyes raked Bryans eyes and got a hauf of a chair himself. A few shots tae Bryans back, before Orton gathers aw the chairs up in the middle of the ring, lit he's 5 year auld again and that's his copper collection. Takes Bryan up for the superplex, and after it being blocked the first time he finally hits the superplex on top of the chairs. As braw a spot as that wis, it wis ruined by the re-emergence of the noise. Oot comes Hunter tae gie Shawn jip for no counting fast enough. Whilst the jip is being delivered, Orton hits that botchy as fuck T-bone suplex in the background, and when Shawn isnae there tae count, Orton comes oot and joins in the jip giving. See HBK in his heyday? he'd have fuckin wrecked the cunt just for lookin at him the wrang way, but this HBK just took it. He seemed tae accept this rampant disrespect and that makes me sad. Sadder than when he tellt us his mammy said he lost his smile. Sadder than when Taker got that 3 count at WM 26. Sadder than the saddest hing.

Orton hits the Carmel DDT, before a stramash ensues that leads tae Orton being pushed intae HBK. Then the unthinkable happened. Well it wis only unthinkable cause ye didnae want tae believe it might happen, but once they got itnae the finish, ye seen it coming a country mile aff. Triple H breaks the padlock aff the Cell and bursts in tae try n get Shawn tae wake up. D-Bry takes umbrage tae this despite the fact that he wis jist trying tae wake him up anaw, and delivers the flying knee tae Triple H. At this point, Michaels is up and kinda hovering in the middle of the ring, lookin mildly confused. SWEET CHIN MUSIC tae Bryan. Betrayal. Orton covers him. HBK takes ages tae even start countin for some reason, before finally counting the 3. Orton is the champ again.

I dunno why but for some reason, my faith is strong. I just hink its aw set up for one huge moment where D-Bry overcomes all the odds at a major PPV and finally becomes the champion cleanly. Survivor Series meht. One last shot. Bryan goes hame wae a shiny belt. Cannae change the fact that he's gaun hame tae a Bella right enough, but at least his wrasslin situation will be sorted. He'll haud the belt tae Mania, where he drops it in a beautiful 60 minute iron man match wae CM Punk. The boays have come full circle. On top of the mountain. A coupla vanilla midgets who made it tae the top, while Kevin "wee guys cant be main eventers" Nash signs autopgraphs for 30 quid a pop at Celtic Park.

Nae offence tae Kev n the lads like. But he is an obnoxious big wank.

Overall on second (and then third) viewing I reckon Hell In A Cell just scrapes pass marks. Some useless filler, and Punk v Ryback wis rotten, but Summer Rae debuted, we seen Cesaro, aw the wrasslin involved in the matches for the belts wis good. Tag Match wis a wee masterpiece, and The Big Show didnae appear, nor did he greet. That makes Hell In A Cell rated at a right average 6 suicide dives oota 10.

Jim The Anvil Neidhardt sings the Outro.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

WWE Hell In A Cell Preview

Hell In A Cell wis a total shiter last year. Seriously if ye think Battleground n Night Of Champions wur shite, go back and watch last years HIAC and then huv a wee word wae yersell. That's the true definition of shite. I sincerely hope this years effort will erase that memory, and the bulk of the card seems solid enough but why in the name of fuckin Christ does CM Punk need tae try n carry Rywank through another Hell In A Cell match? whit has the poor cunt done tae deserve such punishment?

Curtis Axel vs Big E Langston (IC Title Match)

Sneaky cunts so they urr. I hudnae watched one preshow match up until Summerslam and now im hooked on the bastards! They ay put a match on the preshow that im intae these days, and this might be the one I've been intae the most cause Big E is finally gonnae end this monotonous shiter of an IC Title run that Axel has inflicted upon the world. Mr Perfect must have adopted you or suhin man, or yees used a sperm donor or suhin. Nae way theres Hennig blood runnin through your average veins. Big E will take the belt, and wear it tied under his ample bosom. Cause he's the fuckin Da, and he can dae whit he likes.

The Shield vs Cody and Goldy vs The Usos

Aye so. I forgot this the first time. It'll happen and it'll be gid. That's aw ye need tae know ma man. I fancy the Rhodes lads tae retain, but I'd be equally satisfied wae The Usos taking the belts. They've worked hard and they're Rikishis boays. We aw liked Rikishi eh? I did anyway.

Los Matadores vs The Real Americans

Its braw that Cesaro has been involved in two PPVs in a row noo like, but at the same time, I couldnae gie a fuck about this. Unless Cesaro spins the baith of them till they become Primo n Epico again, its no for me. I suspect yer Matadors will go over anaw, and the wee bull will prolly hurricanrana Zeb. Hope no but. If all is correct wae the world, The Real Americans will squash these diddies.

AJ Lee vs Brie Bella (Divas Title Match)

Strongly suspect the decent Bella is taking the belt here. They musta shelved that potentially braw AJ vs Natalya feud for a reason eh? Unless it leads tae Bryan getting the WWE Belt and them being a wee power couple type thing, it can get tae fuck. Ye might be the better Bella, but you are still decidedly shite. Couldnae sell a bottle ah Pulse tae a jakey.

Alberto Del Rio vs Jannn Seeeeeeenah (WH Title Match)

Any other champion I'd be against this match even happening, but since its Del Rio I'll make an exception if it means he comes up aff that fuckin belt. Honestly, does anyone regard him a worthy champion? he's a gid heel and at times an excellent wrestler but unless he's stickin the nut in Ricardo Rodriguez I don't gie a fuck. Rotten champion. They shoulda put the belt back on Ziggler at Summerslam. So aye, I hope Cena takes it here, and drops it quickly tae a cunt that matters. Dolph, Cesaro, Ambrose or Sandow. Take yer pick.
That's no tae say I'm no happy about Cena being back like, I've missed him hunners and millions, but theres nae way he should be coming back from an injury tae take one of the main belts right away. Unless that belt is held by Del Rio.

CM Punk vs Ryback and Paul Heyman (Hell In A Cell Match)

Punk and Ryback work horrendous matches together. Its the only time I've ever found Punk difficult tae watch, when he needs tae throw this numpty aboot and make him look passable. Their match in the Cell last year wis laughable tbh and I cannae see this being any better. I expect some interesting moments between Heyman and Punk but unless theres a huge swerve in there, I cannae see this being uptae much.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton for the vacant WWE Title (HBK Special Ref)

This has run its course noo eh? I mean its been braw, but its time is up. People cannae fuckin stand Ortons daft coupon any longer. End it now. End the Triple H promos, and the best for business patter. Nip it in the bud. Bryan wins the belt clean as fuck. Nae daft swerve. Nae Big Show pullin the door aff the Cell, then greetin cause of a previously undetected finger skelf. None of that patter.  Bryan takes the belt clean. Holds it tae Mania, and when CM Punk takes advantage of his title shot via his Royal Rumble win tae win the gold. Simple as that.

I expect decent hings fae yer HIAC, but unless Punk somehow drags a decent match oota Ryback, it wont be perfect. As long as Big E n Bryan stoat hame wae a belt each I'll be content enough.

Mind if yer up early on Monday morning, don't partake in any alcoholic beverages during HIAC. or if ye dae, make it suhin shite like Apple Sourz or suhin.

God speed.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

WWE Smackdown Review 25/10/2013

Triple H really needs to not open any merr shows. It has tae stop. Don't get me wrong, I'm still intae this storyline tae a degree. It should end at HIAC on Sunday, but its still pretty good. Still comes up wae a shock here and there tae keep ye guessin, but dae we really need Triple H n Micheal Cole having a fuckin sitdown interview in the ring tae open Smackdown? its aw patter about HBK and if hes the best man for the job. Triple H thinks he is. So fuck.

Daniel Bryan has heard enough but and comes out tae hilariously wave in Hunters face while he refuses tae look at him. Bryan tells Trips naecunt can stop him winning that belt when they enter HIAC. Not Triple Hs accountant, or his da, or Giant Gonzlaez. Nae cunt. Triple H says fuck all, and Bryan chants YES! in his face. Actually turned out no bad, but I'm still scunnered wae seeing Pauls daft beak, wae his stupid face attatched tae it.

The Usos vs Luke Harper and Erick Rowan

Miz was on commentary here, and JBL asked him why he doesn't just run when Bray and the boys come at him. Valid point JBL meht. Miz responds wae some shite patter about Bray looking like he fell asleep at a Jimmy Buffet concert and I didnae get it. Uso hits a dive on the Wyatt boys, before Harper lays oot the other yin wae a lariat. Miz then does rogue and runs roon tae knock Bray doon, and then he urges Rowan tae chase him which the daft bastard of course does. Usos hit a sublime double superkick on Harper and grab the win. Usos furra tag belts on Sunday? I'd be intae it, as much as I'm enjoying Cody n Goldys work, we aw ken they're headed for a feud, so why not gie it as much time as possible and gie Rikishis boys the gold?

Unless it leads tae The Miz being extinguished, I cannae say im intae this angle wae Bray ataw. Sorry Bray meht, yer promos are still braw but I don't really need tae see ye squash this idiot at HIAC. I'd rather see ye in an angle that mare than a small pocket of folk gie a fuck aboot.

AJ vs Nikki Bella

Fuck sake. Nuhin better tae remind ye why she gets called the 'shite' Bella than tae actually see her wrassle eh. It wis messy as fuck but AJ looked right cheeky, and got the win wae the black widow. Cheekyness and submission holds are no bad I suppose. Tamina also chucked Brie intae the steel steps cause she's a pure dom and I'm intae it. Sorry troops, but ye know the drill by now, if theres nae gid wrasslin tae occupy me when it comes tae the divas, I will dae some mild perving. Its my cross tae bear.

Brawness. Bray Wyatt leads the camera man to a wee place backstage where they have The Miz KO'd and tied tae some barriers. The Miz now truly understands what it means to follow the buzzards. He looked like he might be deid actually, but I think we'd have heard about that by now. He had 'liar' written across his chest, cause he cheated at Pictionary a few year back and Bray's still got a bee in his bonnet aboot it.

Los Matadores vs Drew Mcintyre and Heath Slater

This anaw. We get this same match every week fae these cunts. Its nice tae see Drew at least daein some wrasslin on TV, but fur fuck sake, I cannae suffer this Los Matanaecunts pish for another week. Even their very vocal supporters when they debuted have clamped it for the most part, cause its fuckin boring. If the wee bull wisnae involved it wis be the worst re-branding in WWE history. Well mibbe no, but I'm no a fan. Be Primo and Epico. Be a slightly boring but talented tag team, and then dae something that makes ye interesting. Don't be Tito Santanas jobber gimmick. Tito done that awready, cept he wis a jobber and he lost a lot of matches due tae being a jobber, cause that's what jobbing is, sorry whit? I wis away wae it for a second there. The match wis a squash, and really only existed tae set up the wee bitta patter big Zeb fired at the Matadors after it. He stauns at the entrance wae Cesaro and Swagger and tells them they're a pair of criminals for kidnapping that wee guy and putting him in a bull costume. Whilst that wis funny, I still didnae get tae see Cesaro wrestle, so it could bolt. If I see Cesaros face, I want tae see it engaged in a wrasslin match and that's fuckin that.

CM Skunk vs Ryback and Heyman

Whit? Some jobber in Punks gear wae a white streak on his hair. Rywank flings him aboot. What is the meaning of this caper? Heyman screams for a tag. He gets it, and goes for the kendo stick. Batters the jobber. Ryback hits the shellshock. End of story. Last show before Hell In A Cell and this is how they build heat for the match with Punk. Fuckin nonsense. Ryback looked like he'd rather be playin draughts in the back wae his fellow charisma vacuum Curtis Axel.
Heyman gets on the mic afterwards and calls himself the best in the world. Anytime he says this I assume he means at being a wrasslin manager, and I just nod and smile. Yes you are Paul. Yes you are.

Big E talkin tae Vickie backstage about replacing The Miz in the 8 man tag match. If square dids Ryback disnae get canned and Big E pushed tae the moon, I can only assume its racism or suhin. Or discrimination against Big E fur huvin spherical diddies.

A SOLO DEL RIO PROMO! PRAY FOR ARMAGEDDON.

Fuckin shite. Shite shite shite shite shite shite shite shite shite shite shite. You are a fuckin dire champion mate. I like ye generally anaw. Ye can wrassle and yer heel actions are always good but he forces fuckin everythin on the mic and that's no a language hing either, I just don't believe a fuckin word he says. Some nonsense aboot Cena getting his arm broke. Aye sound

WWE Shop plug. R-Truth n Santino. Sick aw doon masell. Too much cheese. Stop talking about being the best salesman in the WWE. Neither of you are Dolph Ziggler.

Khali vs Fandango

Natalya wae Khali again? I thought this pish died oot when they started booking Nattie in wrestling matches again? Fuck sake. I spose this served some purpose as we seen the beginnings of a feud between her n Summer Rae. That wid be so braw.
Match wis predictably shite. Khali hits some big boots, n slaps before Summer distracts him by being a wee ride. Natalya pulls her aff the apron, before receiving a slap tae the chops. The lassies huv a short stramash in the ring, and the match ends for some reason. Khali chops Fandango right on the napper and that's the end of that. I don't understand why any of it happened really, unless Summer and Natalya are definitely gonnae feud.

Daniel Bryan, Big E Langston and The Rhodesiez vs The Shield and Randy Orton

Ach we aw know the drill by now. 8 lehdz. 6 top class wrasslers, and a coupla decent wans. Yer gonnae get a match ye like. Goldust and Cody start the match off was some cohesive teamwork, before Cody tosses Ambrose oot tae gie them a chance for an ad break. Fuck ads. Fuck them in the fuckin eye or suhin. When we come back Big E is delivering a perfect belly tae belly suplex tae Rollins, cause he's the Da, and ye aw know it.
Rollins gets Cody isolated in the corner, and in comes big Reigns. In case ye wurnae sure hes one of the 'decent' wans. Ach hes improved a lot so I don't mind him, but hes still a wee bit raw. Speaking of raw hings, that's how ye'd describe the cunts chest and Bryan gets in the for the first time in the match and kicks him daft.
The match rolls on, wae team Bryan looking strong. Reigns misses a big splash and Goldy hits him wae the cross body for his troubles. Shouldnae miss big splashes Roman meht, a savvy vet lit Goldy is gonnae huv tae crossbody ye for that.
Randy finally gets in and the crowd went mild. Don't care aboot ye mate. Unless yer getting kneed aff Daniel Bryan, or Dolphs makin ye look good, ye can get tae fuck.
Cody hits an innocuous lookin spinning heel kick for a 2 count, and my man Micheal Cole goes "I THOUGHT HE HAD HIM!" you calm doon Mikey, its a fuckin spinning heel kick ya clown.
Cody dominates Orton for most of their wee exchange, cause he's a better wrestler and that's that. If ye don't agree, ye can go up the hills and eat worms for the rest of yer god forsaken existence.
Orton does that spot on Cody where he drops ye belly first on the ropes, cause that's all he has. Spots, RKO, DDT. Sorry fur aw the Orton apthy, but it wis really resonating wae me hard here, cause as soon as he got in my interest levels in the match plummeted.
He finally checks oot for Ambrose, but only for about 30 seconds. Orton again, sufferin fuck.
Cody has a wee go at getting battered aff everyone, before Bryan finally gets in and he dropkicked EVERYONE. The whole population of the arena, and yer wee maw. He then hits a suicide dive on Orton, before the missile dropkick laid Ambrose oot in the ring. Follows that up wae the chest kicks and then the roundhouse. Put Ambrose in the yes lock, but Reigns broke it up. Big E gets in amongst it and tosses Reigns tae fuck, before catching Rollins. Rollins wriggled oot but and dropkicked him clean oot the ring. The Cody hits the disaster kick on somecunt afore we finally get down tae Orton n Bryan. Orton his the Carmel DDT, and looks tae be limbering up for the RKO, but Big E sneaks in fae behind and shoves him intae the FLYING KNEE. Daniel Bryan pins Orton (kinda) fair n square. Big E and D-Bry. The Da's.

Overall a braw main event, and a decent opening match cannae save this Smackdown fae being fairly shite. 5.7889 samoan draps oota 10.







Friday, October 25, 2013

WWE NXT Review 14/10/2013 (11 days late again, whit the fuck)

I dunno how I ended up on this loop of watchin NXT 11 days efter it first airs. I really don't know. I hink my brain's broke. Then I ask mysell wis it ever really in good nick? probably no ma man. That's my cross tae bear but.

Wrestling show.

The Ascension vs Corey Graves and Adrian Neville (NXT Tag Title Match)
 
The Ascension boayzies took the belts aff Graves and Neville so this was a pure rematch. Wrestling happened, it wis no bad. Nice wee exchange between Neville and Rick Victor kicked us off before Graves chops O'Brian daft, and hits a braw chopblock. He then locked in lucky 13, but Victor broke it up. Neville gets in and gets his shin dropkicked, followed by a heart toss intae the ringpost. Sare yin. Ye awrite Adrian san? he appeared tae be when he countered some Victor offence wae a kick tae the melt. Neville went for a tag but Victor dropkicked hin intae his tag partner, and then The Ascension hit yon braw double team move that naecunt seems tae ever say the name of. I'm gonnae call it The Ascensions braw double team move, or TABDTM for short. It was enough for them to deservedly retain the belts. Gid show boays.

Graves whinges at Neville for a while and wee Adrian apologises, and then COREY GRAVES TURNS HEEL. Aw I cannae believe its took me 11 days tae say this braw shit. Hits Adrian wae a chopblock fuelled by unfiltered frustration and some right gid ching. NXT wis due a gid heel turn. I'm super intae this shit. Neville and Graves will have some stupendous matches together.

Tyler Breeze vs CJ Parker

Already intae wur second match. Not a shite promo to be had. This is why I love NXT. Its a proper wrasslin show. Even if it isnae at its best, you'll invariably see enough gid wrasslin tae at least muster up enough enthusiasm tae kid on ye care.
This wisnae my cup of tea if I'm totally honest. Breeze has won me over a wee bit, but im still no intae the gimmick and I couldnae gie a fuck about this rivalry. Parker goes for a cheeky rollup but Breeze kicks oot. Parker gets kicked in the eye soon after, and then put tae bed wae a wee spinning heel kick. Is the spinning heel kick this cunts finisher? R-Truth does about 20 of them in every match he has fuck sake. Aye no bad but. Breeze then takes a nawty selfie of him and Parker and Parker responds tae this by shoving him tae fuck and scudding Tylers jaw fur him. Parker steals the cunts phone and takes some SOOOOPA NAWTY seflies wae him and some fans. Riddled wae nawtyness this wis.

Sasha Banks and Summer Rae vs Paige and Emma

Oh aye. 4 divas who could gie a fuck about pro wrasslin. Whit have we done tae deserve this magical shit? Paige starts aff against Sasha and batters her daft. Yer Mike Chioda cannae keep order tae save himself here. Bitches be bonkers. Summer Rae gets in and Paige grabs her by the hair before tagging ma wee Emma. Ach shes just sa quirky so she is. Emma hits Sasha wae a nice drop toe hold before almost getting the pin wae a sneaky wee innovative sunset flip. She makes the mistake of messing wae Summer but and Summer pulls her doon tae the ground by the hair. Nae need Summer hen. Nae need.
Summer gets in against Emma and bosses her. Almost gets the pin wae heavy fresh and braw pinning situation before they exchange rollups. Emma reaches for the tag and eventually rolls through n gets it. Paige hits some fuckin stauner inducing knees on Summer as she hovers on the middle rope. Paige goes for the win wae a Fishermans Suplex, which the fuckin haufwitted commentator called a snap suplex only tae be promptly corrected by the bold William Regal. Sasha broke up the pin and Summer Rae uses the distraction tae hit the Summer Crush for the win. 

Eh bold yin wae the bold attitude. Cannae help but love Summer Rae for being the evilest of aw the barbie dolls.

Sami Zayn vs Bo Dallas (NXT Title Match)

Whit a fuckin NXT. 4 solid matches, two of them of huge significance. This is on a 40 minute show anaw, this weeks impact ran for 80 minutes and involved 1 passable match. Its sare tae see how wrong TNA are getting it right now compared tae WWEs C Show.
Naturally everycunt wae a pulse and working ability tae be irritated wanted Sami tae take the belt here. Of course they did. Bo Dallas is the antithesis of all that is good and pure about pro wrestling. A disgrace of the Rotunda family name. A wank.
Nawty wee Ole chant for Sami. Such a nawty NXT.
A wee wristlock war tae start. Snapmare intae a pin for Sami but nae dice. A coupla roll ups fae Sami followed, but nae joy. This knobend commentator keeps calling rollups "stackups"'and its daein ma fuckin box in. Wrap that in Todd Pettingimp.
This was already comfortably my favourite Bo Dallas experience. Intriguing wee match so it wis. A wee heidlock exchange wis next, which Dallas broke up wae a nice uppercut tae the jaw.
Dallas draps some stiff knees tae Zayn jaw before repeatedly covering him for 1 counts. ONE AINT ENOUGH MAN, I NEED THREE.
Sami gets on top, wee back body drop, and Sami hits the big boot in the corner. A fuckin nonsense so it wis, cause he covers him for a 3 count and seemed tae win the belt, only everycunt wae a functional set of fuckin eyes seen Bo Dallas had his foot on the rope. This wis just an excuse tae reel JBL out  and remind everycunt hes the GM noo. He says the match will continue, nae match that the Wrestling God oversees will end like this. Apathy.
Dallas hits a forearm, before Zayn hits a breathtaking dive. High octane shit fae these two lehdz.
Zayn goes up high, hits a crossbody but NAE BELT. Dallas shows the baws tae kick oot at 2. Zayn goes for the big boot again but Bo blocks and instead gets hit wae a braw spinning doctor bomb (had nae idea it wis called that tae Regal said it btw, amazing fuckin name) that disnae get the job done either, and Bo rallied tae kick Zayn in the belly and hit a picture perfect tilt o whirl bullsdog. That right, Bo Dallas wis fuckin gid here. Ye want tae fight aboot it ya diddy ride. Dallas keeps on throwing offence at Sami but oor Generico aint havin none of it.
He then comes oota nae place wae a fuckin EYEPOPPER of a spear. But Dallas kicks oot. He'll no be beat by his ain move. Nae chance. Nae use even tryin. Sami tries tae go old schoolm but Dallas sends him sack first on tae the top rope and hits his version of the spear. Cunts actually no bad at it, but naw. Nae 3 count.
Brilliant match this btw. First time I've ever understood Bo Dallas and Bray Wyatt coming fae the same family. UnBoLievable.
Dallas gets Sami up top and goes for the superplex, but oor Sam fights hard, and hits yon flip pwoebob off the top but DALLAS KICKED OOT AGAIN. Aw this is too braw. Whit is even happening here.
Sami hits a German Suplex and the idiot commentator calls it a backdrop, he hits another yin and when he went for a third, Dallas sends him heid first intae an exposed turnbuckle and Dallas gets the win off the back of that.

Fuckin quality match, but I wisnae daft on the finish. It seemed perfectly set up for a new champ, or putting Dallas over clean tae add tae his heel heat. That finish made nae sense tae me.

Overall though, a superb NXT. Almost makes me wish I didnae leave it so long tae gie a so. No regrets though. They don't work. Robbie will tell ye that. 8 tiger bombs intae suplexes outta 10.





TNA Impact Review 24/10/2013

Dixie emerges to open the show. Saying that AJ had overcome the odds stacked against him and he is her world champion. Tonight is about AJ and hes a very important person. For the last 6 weeks its all been about Dixie motivating AJ. Apparently AJ garners his motivation from terrible screechy promos.

He's gonna get a private dressing room with Fillet Mignon. She also gives him the same watch she gave Hulk Hogan. He's suspicious so she shows him the car she bought him. He remains suspicious and tells her he wont be on team Dixie. People boo. AJ says 'always the manipulation from Dixie Carter and im not buying it" and he delivers the line like it was something profound when it really wasn't. He then goes into some rousing chat about saving the company, which actually wasn't bad. He says she bet against him and lost.

Dixie says she'll cancel his title defence against Bully and they can jump in her private jet and leave this god forsaken town. Bully is naturally not amused by this and says that he didn't come all the way to Salt Crap City just to have her take his title shot away. AJ tells him to shut up and tells Dixie she's dumber than they all thought. AJ says the rematch clause doesn't apply to him because he has no contract but he'll defend anyway because that's what a champion does, he works without a contract and risks potential career threatening injury.

Bully calls him a redneck. Says he got lucky. Early Hebners fault, he didn't see Bully kick out of the Spiral Tap. Bully will win the re-match and send him back to his ugly wife. He calls himself a wrestling god and everyone spontaneously combusted with embarrassment.

AJ says the Aces and Eights are falling apart. This is the longest promo in the history of the world. AJ says hes going to win the rematch, and jump into the crowd again, because he is THE PHENOMENAL AJ STYLES. Bully jabs him in the stomach for his troubles. Lays into him with the picture frame which was in the ring and sets AJ up for the Bully Bomb only for MIIIISTERRRR ANDERSON to return and make the save. Him and Bully exchange right hands at a rapid rate, before Anderson gets the upper hand and delivers 20 forceful jabs to Bully. Bully escapes and has a wee cry.

Anderson then gets on the mic. Half an hour had elapsed if you include Ad breaks. Only promos. Anderson has been watching the product and he hates it. Everyone is sick and tried of it. He asks the live crowd if they're sick and tired of it. He then runs through everyone who's sick and tired of it again. At this point he has said 'sick and tired of it' 17 times. Dixie says he isn't authorised to enter her ring, so she sends security down to arrest him. He has been arrested in a while, sometimes he likes to be arrested to he fights with the security guards before giving himself up. I'm fairly certain Anderson was out his face on some heavy painkillers here or something.

40 minutes before a match started. 40.


ODB and Velvet Sky vs Gail Kim and Brooke. 

This was ok. ODB performed admirably and Velvet delivered a nice sequence of clotheslines and a headscissors takedown. Follows that up with a neckbreaker but only gets a 2 count. ODB then hits a vicious spear on Brooke, before Lei'D Tapa sneaks in and booted Velvets head off her shoulders. Gail gets the cover for the win. This was one of 3 matches on Impact this week and it lasted 4 minutes. The other matches are the squash and a world title match. Impact just cant get away with making this little sense.


Bro-Mans talking into a mirror about Mr Olympia. Robbie then screams 'bammmmmm!' into a mirror while spraying hairspray on himself. Enriching promo. I feel like a better person for having witnessed it. 

Ethan Carter the 3rd vs Dewey Barnes


EC3 wins in a 2 minutes squash with a faceplant type of move. 8 wrestlers performed on Impact this week. Dewey Barnes was one of them. Impact HAS to make more sense than this.

EC3 gets on the mic and tells us who he is. He's a Carter. The world needs them. To go away.

Magnus admitting to Sting backstage that he was disrespectful to him in the aftermath of their Bound For Glory match. He was too wrapped up in winning. Sting accepts this apology and its all very amicable. Very nice. The only humour to be derived from it was the fact that it was in the bar of some seedy hotel, and they most likely shared a nice fish dinner afterwards before sharing a taxi to their respective homes. 

Angle comes out to cut a promo. The reason he rejected the HOF induction is that he has so much more to prove. Don't be soft Kurt ma man! you've done plenty. He then looks into the camera, and the 4th wall comes crashing DOWN.
Roode comes out and tells him the real reason he declineds his induction was because he knew he couldn't beat Roode. Roode reminds him he beat him fair and square, right here..in the middle...of the ring. Horribly delivered line, so wooden. Sounded like he was lip syncning and someone kept pausing the tape. He says he failed when he had a short at Angles title a couple of years ago, and now its Angles turn to feel like a failure. The crowd were actually into this wee bit despite the fact that it was so forced. Angle done a decent job of sounding like he was into it though, and he challenges Roode to a match right there and then but Roode reveals even if they both wanted to, Angle cant wrestle because he isn't medically cleared. Angle confirms this is true he isn't cleared to wrestle but he is ALWAYS clear for kicking Roodes arse. So he goes ahead and does just that. Security split them up and Roode jumps around the ring like he's just filled his his suit trousers with various kinds of bodily fluids.

Bully telling the rest of his club that Anderson is selfish. They don't look impressed. Probably because they're pod people. Bully says he'll get his title back. That's nice for him.

Bro-Mans come out to have a party. I think they oiled each other up real good. They jumped around a bit and get a 'you cant wrestle' chant before Gunner and James Storm come out. Gunner is needlessly shirtless. Storm heard there was a party but he demands the DJ gets the hell out his ring. Calls him DJ Anus, when his name is actually IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS. 
Storm opens the champagne the new tag champs have brought, and makes fun of Robbies skinny jeans. Storm tells them their title reign is going to be the shortest in TNA history and then BAD INFLUENCE EMERGED TO SAVE OUR TORTURED SOULS. Hello there lads.
Bad Influence refer to themselves as the best tag team in the biz-ah-ness, and they're petitioning for a title shot to become, and this is a direct Kaz quote "the world tag team champions of the world...for a third time" Daniels interjects to tell them to "Never mind the knowledge the Secretary of offence just dropped on you, the problem I have is that you have entirely the wrong beverages for a real party" everyone knows beer is for the lower class, and champagne is for posers, if you're going to celebrate a victory you do it with the manliest of all the drinks. An Appletini. Gunner throws the Appletini in his face and everyone has a ruckus. Park and Eric Young emerge to give Storm and Gunner a hand but Park gets a bottle smashed over hid head, bleeds and turns into Abyss again. 
PICK A GIMMICK. Jesse Godderz gets chokeslammed and that was that. A 10 minute mess.

AJ Styles vs Bully Ray (TNA Title Match)

Jeremy Borash done the intros for this. I don't know where his eyes are. It keeps me up at night. Was he just born without them? how does he not fall down more?
Bully tells him to shut up when he's introducing him, and he does his own intro but AJ decides punching Bully would be more fun than hearing him say more words.
AJ takes him round all 4 corners and smashes him head first into all 4 top turnbuckles, before hitting a snapmare then a kick to the back. Leapfrog then dropkick. As a match it already had me more enagaged than their BFG effort. Bully fights back with the shake rattle n roll, but AJ hits back with a Pele kick, and a quick rollup for a 2 count. AJ then gets thrown a million feet in the air by Bully, and he lands awkwardly because a million feet in the air is really very high.
Double clothesline from these two veterans followed. Textbook stuff troops.
Another high toss into the air from Bully, this time AJ manages to land on his back. The likelihood of breaking your neck in this situation decreases exponentially.
Bully goes for the elbow drop but AJ moves. He does not much care for being elbow dropped.
The boys exchange jabs once more and Bully reverts to some chest slapping before AJ hits some kicks and then a perfect springboard flying forearm. Bully hits a desperately shit Samoan Drop, but despite that this had still been an excellent match. Bully goes up top, but AJ blocks and looks set to go for the top rope hurricanrana, Bully blocks and goes for a backwards splash off the top rope but AJ moves. AJ decides its his turn to miss the mark with a move, only his move is the springboard 450 splash and missing that move often leads to decapitation (shoulders no longer being attached to your head)
AJ goes for a tilt o whirl DDT, but Bully throws him into Earl Hebner who gets knocked out in the process. AJ locks in the calf killer and Bully decides to tap but no ref means no decision. Hebner gets up in time for Bully to hit a diamond cutter looking move after striking AJ with a chain, but AJ kicks out because he's the PHENOMENAL AJ STYLES. Early is still a bit out of it so Bully goes for the chain again, only for Anderson to jump on the apron, having got out of the handcuffs on his own because he's a god damned MAGICIAN. AJ takes advantage of the distraction to get the quick pin on Bully to retain. Anderson and Bully have an incredibly half hearted brawl in amongst referees and security. Dixie appears with a contract in her hand for AJ to sign. Oh good. One more promo.

The contract is full of zeros and other things AJ would like. Dixie says she is so sweet, so she put some strawberry bonbons in the contract too, and he can have the car from earlier. She wants him to sign his contract and they can put all this mess behind us. LETS MOVE FORWARD AJ. She offers him a first bump, and then hands him his contract. AJ looks at it briefly, looks at Dixie and then tells her the contract is amazing. He thinks she's a horrible human though, and says she bought her fancy home on the money earned from the blood, sweat and tears of wrestlers. He wipes his arse with the contract. He shows her the title and says its his, hes taking it from her. Its his now. He leaves in a car, she pleads for him to come back. He leaves anyway because he's a rebel without a cause, but also a rebel with a title. Which he's taking from Dixie. He said that previously so that's how we all know for sure.

Overall Impact was all about people repeating themselves in promos and around 25-30 minutes of wrestling time. Bully vs AJ was a decent match, but on a show which made sense and actually contained some proper wrestling matches, it would have been average at best. 4.5 out of 10.





Tuesday, October 22, 2013

WWE RAW Review 21/10/2013

Mind how Stephanie and Trips got married in Vegas when she wis passed oot? mind that? Kinda drugged her and then forced her tae marry him, and now look at the cunts. Aw lovey dovey. Gien it aw the tenderness. Incidentally Stephs lookin fuckin lovely again. Like yer pals maw when she used tae come n pick him up fae fitba trainin and you'd be like "here Jamies maw isnae bad eh?" A pure maw ye'd like tae dae intercourse wae.

Anyway aye. Trips is gibberin on about how we'll definitely huv a new champ wae his besto HBK reffing the match at Hell In A Cell. Big Show interrupts by appearing on the big screen via satellite which made pure heaps of sense cause that's whit happens the week after ye get sacked usually. We send ye aw the cameras while ye hing aboot near a wall. He tells Triple H he's lookin feart, and the source of that fear is Show suing him for the money left on his contract AND he's gonnae sue him for hunners of other things. Fuck knows whit. Is it cause Triple H needs an extra seat on the plane for that fuckin beak he's got on him? either way, Steph counts doon fae 5 while Show is rantin away and they cut him aff. Triple H ends the wee segment by gaun "MORE LIKE PAUL SHITE! hahaha, here's Dean Ambrose" Now don't quote me on this troops, but I'm at least 80% sure he pointed doon the aisle when he introduced Ambrose, but Dean n the boys enter through the crowd ya silly! Why is he even bringing him oot I hear ye ask? well that's cause the opening match on RAW this week would be...

Daniel Bryan vs Dean Ambrose

I know eh? what have we done tae deserve this. Bryan comes oot when Trips calls for Ambrose cause he's jist a cheeky wee so n so. Aw mate, this match wis so rerr n braw, ye'll be tellin yer grandweans aboot it in years tae come. I'll tell mine how I went tae bed every night dreamin of these two huvin a 60 minute Iron Man match and it being the maist perfect thing of aw the things, and we'll aw just be tellin stories. Stories are gid. If I ever dae huv weans I'm gonnae show them auld tapes of Austin n kid on that wis me. I've just grew a longer beard n packed on some beef since retirement. Lost the Texas accent cause I met a braw wee Scottish burd when I was err on tour and we moved here. Aw man, imagine yer wean thought you were Stone Cold Steve Austin even for a wee while. I'm no much of a liar, but that wid be blissful.
Fuckin tangents eh? Whit they like. WRASSLIN.
So we get a quick exchange of chops from these two early on and that's when ye ken the match is too legit tae quit. Then a wee move from Bryan I wis heavy intae for some reason. He has a wee armbar locked in on the ground, but he pulls Ambroses arm down wae his foot and pins both shoulders down for a quick 2 count. It wis a quirky wee move and I like quirky meht.
Bryan goes up for the flying heidbutt but Deano rolls oot so Bryan hits a baseball slide instead. On the outside Ambrose nearly takes his heid clean aff wae a clothesline cause Ambrose executes everything wae unerring perfection. This is why I see amazing matches comin fae these two, cause they just fit. Their styles urnae similar, but they have a breathtaking chemistry so they dae.
Some open hand strikes fae Bryan wis followed by a missile dropkick and then he locked in the Surfboard, which for some reason Lawler nearly had a fuckin heart attack aboot. Meht he does it every fuckin week, wake up.
Bryan goes up top again, but Ambrose jabs him and he lands baws first on the ropes. Ambrose then hits  a double armed suplex hing aff the top rope. They both flying forearm each other anaw, at the same time which leads tae them both falling doon. That'll happen in that scenario, nuhin tae worry aboot. Bryan follows that up wae a missile dropkick in the corner, then that top rope Hurricanrana. Thats gets a two count, and the landing musta stirred up Deans spinebuster juices, cause he delivers an inch perfect Spinebuster soon after. Its like Batista one, but if it wis done properly.
Bryan goes for that kick combination he does, where its about 200 chest kicks, then the big roundhouse tae finish, but Ambrose ducks the roundhouse, goes for a rollup, and Bryan reverses that intae the Yes! lock. Ambrose taps and that's that. A fuckin baw tingling beautiful way tae kick off RAW.

From a missed roundhouse, tae ROADHOUSE. Or suhin, I really dunno where I'm gaun wae that. CM Punk is oot next tae cut a brief promo and he talks about how he's gonnae incapacitate Ryback before he leathers Heyman. That's ripe for a roadhouse reference eh?
Three men will walk in tae Hell In A Cell, and one will walk out. The best in the world (that's Punk btw, he's referring to himself) Its a brief wee promo but it makes me care about that match a wee bit so no too bad.

Santino vs Heath Slater

Nope. Santino, Khali and Hornswoggle aw dressed as Elvis. Naw. Santino winning after Heath jumps aff the top rope and gets hit by the Cobra wae an Elvis hairdo attatched tae it? naw. A sock wae a wig. Least Foleys sock wis manky and he used it tae choke people. He then goes over tae the announce desk and caws Lawler the real 'King' before he dances on the announce table. Table breaks, Lawlers troosers tear open and Micke James faws oot. Welcome back Mickie hen! Lawler usually likes them a bit younger, so ye must dae some mad tongue shit or suhin eh? bet ye dae.

There wis an HBK, Trips n Steph promo before that but I cannae really mind it and I'm no re-watching RAW this week, so I'll tell ye whit I dae remember. HBK bein right cheeky, but re-assuring at the same time. Cheeky re-assurance is the best sort. Steph disnae know how Show appeared on the titantron. That's a mystery tae us aw Steph hen, so don't you worry aboot it. We'll fun oot.

Randy Orton vs Dolph Ziggler

Orton has a dangerous lookin T-Bone eh. I don't mean he likes tae eat massive steaks that could choke him tae death or that, I mean his T-bone suplex is a fuckin shanner. Either way this match wis braw as fuck. Orton is always dominant but Dolph has some smashin moments. Goes for the Carmel DDT on the apron but Dolph blocks it. Dolph hits the big splash in the corner followed by a hunner jabs, then goes for the Zig Zag but that wis blocked. Orton eventually does hit the Carmel DDT in the ring, before going for the RKO but Dolph counters wae a HUGE dropkick and that gets him a cheeky 2 count. Orton is unhappy wae the cheekiness so he brings this braw wee 8-10 minute encounter tae its finish wae the RKO. Gid stuff so it wis. Dolph wis always losing here, but he looked right gid in the process. Sold the RKO beautifully. We need a medic fur this man.

Tamina and AJ vs The Bellas

Eh aye. I remember the finish but the only other notes I have for this is "Tamina is lovely, I'd like her tae heider me" I dunno why. I hink it wid be a fun time. Anyway aye, Tamina spent most of this knocking the shite oot the Bellas, before she takes a hit on AJs behalf at the end, seemingly affording AJ the chance tae roll Brie up for the pin, but Brie rolls oot and hits yon facebuster tae pin the Divas champ for the second week running. Aw naw min. She's taking the belt eh. Sake.

Listen but Tamina hen, if yer intae heiderin folk, I'll be at the fitba later, so ye ken where tae find me.

Wee bitta Heyman backstage. Huvin a right auld ramble tae Renee Young while his square diddied Ryback and Curtis Axel looked on. Heyman is like Lava, and he's gonnae destroy aw the villagers AND their motors. I dunno if Punk is a villager, or if he has a drivers license but it feels aimed at him. Know whit...I think it wis aimed at him.

Big E Langston ends the promo by challenging Ryback n Axel tae a handicap match cause he's the da and he disnae gie a flyin fuck.

Luke Harper and Erick Rowan vs The Miz and Kofi Kingston

Jabber entrance for The Miz. Awesome.
Match wis awrite actually. I enjoy Brays big pals. Harper in particular has skills meht.
Harper irish whips his ain tag partner right in tae Miz, before he stumbles oot the corner straight intae a big boot fae Harper. Kofi gets some braw kicks in before hitting Rowan wae a nice bitta rana action. Two Hurricanranas in one RAW, we're awfa lucky. Hits a twisting crossbody anaw, but its only a two count. Then he hits trouble in paradise on Rowan while he's staunin lookin glaikit on the apron but he Kofi turns roon and gets a huge lariat aff Harper, gien the Wyatt lads the win. That's the end of that eh. It isnae the end for The Miz though. Harper and Rowan tie him up in the ropes, and that gies Bray a static target tae aim his braw words at.
Bray enters the ring, and he tells The Miz that he knows him. He knows likes plain margarine on his pieces and not real butter. He isnae there to convince The Miz hell is real, and then his voice changed in the maist demonic emotive way possible. Bray Wyatt is the top boy. Follow the buzzards.


Ryback and Axel vs Big E and Punk

Big E and the bawbags roll aboot for a few minutes before Vickie comes oot, shoogles her big rump and makes it a tag match. Cunts need tae fuckin stop robbing Teddy Longs patter man. Aye it comes aboot cause Heyman is daft enough tae strike Big E wae a Kendo Stick, so Punk comes oot wae a Kendo Stick of his ain and gies oot heavy gid hauners. Some man so ye urr Punk.
Puks struggling in the match and Heyman offers him a tag. Hilarious stuff. "TAG ME PUNK! I CAN HELP YOU!" Punk declines, probably thinking tomfoolery wis afoot.
Big E tosses Axel aboot lit wet washin before hitting the Big Ending tae seal the win for the boays. Lovely stuff. Ye better come up off that IC Strap Axel san, that's fur Big E.

The Real Americans vs Tonnes Of Funk

I ken its a wee bit sare seein him dance aboot like a nugget, but big Albert is on 300k a year so dinnae feel too bad for him. He gets tae be a wrassler and have nice things. This match wis awrite. Basically a squash, as Cesaro dominates. Nae beautralizer (that's right, I'm callin it that noo, cause its fuckin beautiful) this time, but plenty of uppercuts and other brawness, including a wee bum drop, where he ...well...drapped doon on Broadus bum first. Then he does the fuckin swings on Broadus for a while. Which is an incredible feat considering the cunt is aboot 400 pun of deid weight. Swagger gets the win wae the Anklelock.
Zeb gets on the mic afterwards and produces a bull whip. He is gonnae whip the tiny bull. Looks like a Los Matafandans vs Real Americans feud eh? Cesaro might be able tae make me give a flyin fuck about that, so we'll see. Zeb and the wee bull is also potentially a fun time, if ye like frolics. And fun. And Shenanigans.

The Shield vs The Usos (Number One Contenders Match for the Tag Belts)

They're both due title shots cause The Usos were Number 1 contenders, and The Shield have a rematch so I says they should just have a triple threat match, and when Goldy n Cody came oot tae commentate here I kent madness was afoot. The match itself was braw of course, wae one of Usos hittin a huge diving crossbody on Rollins at the start. Reigns then gets tae leathering his wee cousins. Wee uppercut and a snapmare fae Jimmy or Jey. I enjoy a gid snapmare these days.
Jimmy or Jey hits a nice crossbody, then a wee superkick tae the belly. Reigns dwells in the corner after that, but he EXPLODES oot that corner wae a huge clothesline. Uso number one sees this and decides tae one up his cousin by throwin Rollins 10 feet in the air, then catching him wae a Samoan Drop on the way doon. Then its fightin time! Aw the boayzies wind up on the outside and massive rammy ensues. Carnage. Bodies hittin the flare left, right and centre. Everyone winds up in the ring but Then Usos and the Rhodezies clean oot Then Shield. Know why?
Blood is thicker than justice meht.

Triple threat tag match is announced for HIAC. Throw ladders in there please. That's aw I've ever wanted.

Contract signing between Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton for their WWE Title match at HIAC. Overseen by Hunter, Steph and Shawn Michaels. Although I suppose we technically aw overseen it eh, since we were watching it.

It all went off without a hitch. Everyone signed, shook hands and went home.
NAH IM HAVIN YE ON! LOLOLOLOLOL
Orton gies Bryan some shite patter, before Bryan dingies that and tears Triple H a new wan. Triple H is gien it patter about bow he's no good enough, and Daniel's aw "I'll show ye im good enough in a wrasslin match!" but Trips is like "naw wee man, I work wae big dawgs only, HBK shouldnae have even wasted his time training ye ya wee monkey" and HBK is like "wait a minute here!" Disnae like that patter neer he disnae. Totally disagrees wae his buddy and instead asks him why he looks so feart? Is it cause Daniel Bryan is the main man? is it cause he's mare over than Trips ever wis? Probably a combination of the two. Orton interrupts that brawness wae a fuckin awful, wee scripted monologue about how Bryan cannae beat him. Intuition really should have tellt him tae patch it eh? It obviously didnae fit in wae how the promo had gone tae that point. If that wis Punk he'd have come up wae suhin much better on the fuckin spot, but never mind eh. Big Show invades the arena in a huge truck so that took wur mins aff Ortons awful words. That distraction leads tae Bryan hitting the flying knee on Orton and we aw hoped HBK wis gonnae superkick Trips next eh? didnae happen but, calm yer fuckin jets. Bryan instead gets the YES! chants goin, before climbing on Shows truck and daein some more Yessin. Big Show joins in tae. Fun fur aw the boayzies.

RAW wis braw. Ambrose v Bryan wis perfect, Dolph n Orton wis gid. Hunners of tag matches. Solid promo work tae open and close the show. Cesaro. Punk. Big E being the da. Bray Wyatt saying things. Only thing I wisnae intae wis the Santino n Lawler hing. The rest wis braw. Coupla Cena VTs anaw, cause on Sunday, the champ is THERE.

8.5 Crossface Chickenwings oota 10. Widda been 9 but I didnae see Natalya. Nae RAW can go above 8.5 withoot ma Nattie.

Erick Rowan drawing fur a giggle...