Know who isnae a big fandan? BIG E LANGSTON and the big man comes struttin doon the ramp tae prove this. He wants a slice of Punk right about now, and he's gonnae get it tae cause if there's one thing the WWE executives love mare than anythin, its CM Punk having his promos interrupted.
Brad Maddox was there tae. Sweatin right through his Khaki three quarter lengths. Yer suits are too tight meht, nae ventilation. Get looser suits.
CM Punk vs Big E Langston
Well this wis just braw. Its no rocket science neer its no, ye put someone in there wae Punk who isnae braindead and ye get a smashin match. Big E looks strong as fuck early on. Leathering Punk wae aw sorts of powerful clotheslines and strikes, before hitting a big slash on tae Punks back. He then locks in a right sare lookin half crab. Didnae think ye had that in yer locker big barra. Know how when Bo Dallas isnae haunting the dreams of children, he sometimes kids on he can execute a belly to belly suplex? Big E disnae kid on, he actually delivers. Belly tae belly so gid it wid make Ken Shamrock and Taz greet. Together. Punk gets back on top but and wins cleaner than his ain urine sample (last time I'm usin that joke, pinky promise) after hunners of braw kicks, followed by that top rope elbow drop and a GTS that hit Langston so hard, a wee bull shot clean oot his erse. Wonder if we'll see that wee cunt again eh?
Smashing opening segment so it wis. Right up my street. I'll take a dozen of these, and a pun of Lurpak, cause we're gonnae need it meht.
Fandango vs Kofi Kingston
This was essentially the pre-show for a Bray Wyatt promo meht. Match wis awrite. Short as fuck though. Also whit the in the name of christ are they daein wae Fandango? or anyone in the mid card that isnae a member of The Shield? Mare daft booking here, after Santino beating everycunt, then Curtis beating Santino, he jobs tae Kofi the next week? nah meht. Take that noise and shove it up yer dickhole. Kofi wins wae trouble in paradise, then the brawness started.
I find it really difficult tae recall specifics of Brays promos and that's no cause I don't remember them if that makes sense. They just don't go tae the part of my brain that puts my ain opinion on it, cause there's nothing I could say that could better what he says. I'm just a man. The Wyatts music hits as soon as Kofi gets the pin, and he seems gantin fur a fight which is some incredibly stupid mid-card face behaviour. Yer lucky its nearly autumn and the boays are feelin charitable cause that's their favourite season. Bray talks about how everyone will fall. Much like Bo Dallas' potential IQ fell when Bray sooked his still forming brain matter out of his heid when he was in the womb. Kofi escapes with 4 limbs and 2 baws, so fair play tae him for that. Good hustle.
Orton telling Brie Bella that if she disnae marry Daniel Bryan soon, she's gonnae have tae marry a corpse, cause Orton's gonnae kill him n that. Orton yer decidedly too shiny tae pull aff a threat like that. Jist far too fuckin shiny. Be less shiny.
Heyman being interviewed by Renee Young. He's lit that "mon then Punk" but Renee snibs his wee setup. Asks him why Axel and Ryback are poised tae strike off camera. Its a smashin wee segment so it is, Heymans words, tomfoolery galore, wee Renee is gettin gid anaw, and it sets up a wee bit of Punk n Heyman based madness fur later on. Aye I'm aw err this so much, I wantae buy it a milkshake and feed it segments of Galaxy Caramel. Or a Mint Aero. Eh aye...where wis I?
Los Matadores vs Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal
I'll be honest wae ye right, their entrance amused me somewhat. It wis dafter than the Daphne oota Frasier at the Daftas. They dance aboot for a bit before revealing a tiny wee luchador dressed in a bull costume and that wis just fun for the hale family. Tell ye whit else, the match wis awrite. Nice wee rana in there fae one of the Matadores. They of course picked up the win cause 3MB dont win. Ever. nae Drew either, no even at ringside, so fuck knows whit the score is there. Anyway, here's whit I don't like about Los Matadores. They're fuckin Primo n Epico. A good, and established tag team, one which has held the tag belts. I know WWE repackage folk aw the time, but established tag teams like this? Nut. I'm no intae it. If they get pushed tae fuck and take the tag belts before The Usos, or Cesaro n Swagger I'm writing a strongly worded email tae my MP. Nae word of a fuckin lie.
I've got a question for ye man, whits better than two members of the Rhodes family in the ring at the same time cutting a promo? that's right, you guessed it. THREE members of the Rhodes family. Unfortunately they are in there wae Triple H and the mean ol boss lady Stephanie McMahon, but they provided the platform fur Dusty tae say braw things, so they get pass marks. Triple h goes on about how Dustys just a bitter auld shite cause he could never make it outwith the NWA and Dustys lit that "nut" before saying aw that beautiful stuff, wae the words n the sentences. The core reason for the promo is tae set up at match at Battleground between The Rhodes Brerrs and Rollins n Reigns. If The Rhodes boays win, they both have jobs wae WWE and Dustys job is safe as hooses. If they lose EVERYBODY is sacked to the fullest, and will be reduced tae sellin individual wine gums, kiddin on they're magic beans. Just when ye think the whole thing has ended somewhat amicably, The Shield attack from behind. Poor Goldust runs intae a smasher of a spear fae Reigns, but listen Dustin, it wis braw tae see ye oot there rockin the suit/goldust facepaint combo. Always the fuckin trendsetter eh ma man. Dusty grabs a chair and looks tae help the boayzies oot, but he gets his shit pushed in anaw, before The Shield hit Cody wae the Triple Powerbomb. Thank fuck it wisnae Dusty but eh. That shit widda killed the poor auld genius.
Brawest of the braw.
Curtis Axel vs R-Truth
From the brawest of the braw, to the nawest of the naw. Ach this was ok I suppose, the match made me aw sleepy, but the finish was fairly braw. Punks music comes on and Axel spins roon in circles for ages going "wheres the bad man?" before Truth hits the Little Jimmy tae get the pin. Its gid because of the wee ruse from Punk, making Heyman think he was on the way oot tae batter him, and also good cause Axel got pinned. Suhin just unpalatable about him, his coupon, and his nasty attitude. yer a bad yin.
Trish Stratus had a wee boy! Congratulations hen.
Wee segment aboot Daniel Bryan n Brie Bella gettin engaged. I liked it. It reveals that Daniel Bryan is a wee saft man wae a huge beard. Which is what we should all aspire tae be really.
Brie Bella vs Alicia Foxx
This was awrite actually. Short but pretty decent. Alicia can go, and Brie is the better Bella so it wis never gonnae be total shite. Brie gets the win wae yon facebuster. I dunno whit she calls it. X-Pacs finisher. That yin. She's now the number one contender for the Divas title.
Here! D'ye mind David Otunga? Nah, me neither mate.
Fantastic. Axel is aw raging backstage and Heyman tells him tae cool it. Stop acting like a wee fud. Ryback appears and as much as it pains me tae say it, that's when the good stuff starts. Heyman speaks of his love for Ryback and that he intends to propose to him later. Aye. Thats right. Propose. Cause he just loves him that much. Its that all consuming, cannae eat, cannae sleep, cannae think aboot anythin else kinda love. Beautiful. He wants tae kiss him all over. And over again. Till the night closes in.
TILL THE NIGHT CLOSES INNNNNN.
Del Rio vs Zack Ryder
Del Rio making the WH Belt look strong as ever by SKWASHIN A JABBER. Fuckin pointless pile of baws this wis. Del Rio wins wae the crossarmbreaker. So fuck.
I think this wis earlier actually, but I'll put it here anyway. Show wis marauding aboot backstage, hauf greetin, lookin for somedy tae choke. He's had enough of it aw. Talkin about his financial situation and his kinda shite beard. He's heard the whipsers and he shall stand for it nae longer. Muhfuckas wis about tae get KO'd. He finds Brad Maddox backstage and gets him in a warm embrace before pulling away n realising he wis drenched in the cunts pit sweat. He's just created enough moistuire tae actually sweat through his ain Ecko Unlimited trackie and the suit Show wis wearin. Ye need tae get that checked oot Bradley ma man, yer mibbe no well. Show is later escorted fae the premises by the polis, or Stephanie McMahon or baith, I cannae really mind. He was greetin anyway.
Yass. Heyman and Ryback time again. I'll excuse mysell for being excited by this, cause its a hugely intriguing wee storyline. Dae I wish it wis any other human not shaped like Ryback? of course meht, but unfortunately its him. He starts off talking, before Heyman saves us aw fae reachin for the razorblades and takes over. Heyman speaks with an unbridled passion about making an honest man out of Rywank, before going down to one knee and offering to take his hand in marraige. Well he asks if he wants tae become a Paul Heyman guy, but that's kinda like a marriage eh? either way before he can answer, Chicagos finest arrives tae ruin the perty.
Punk rushes oot fae the audience but ocht naw! he's hurt himself on the way oot. He limps towards the ring as Ryback n Heyman look on in concern for their fellow man. Heyman even comes towards the ropes tae see if he's awrite, only for Punk tae grab a kendo stick shaped chib fae under the ring and start swinging! he wis at it all along. He tees aff on the whole lot of them, including Axel who came oot tae gie some shite hauners. Ryback blocks the first hit, before Punk smashes Axel instead, and then finally getting Ryback twice, both of which he sold terribly cause he's the fuckin worst. As Heyman and Punk watch fae the stage, hands doon each others jeans. Punk continues tae knock the living shite oota poor Axel. Sare.
Ach is this RAW no just the business? Lovely.
The Usos and Dolph Ziggler vs The Shield
Exceedingly braw. I'm no even gonnae bother peppering this wae aw the humour n that. I'll gie ye just a wee snapshot of how gid the action wis instead, a snapshot painted by my slang ridden words.
Usos hit yon braw double dive fae the ring tae the outside on Rollins n Reigns, before Dolph clotheslines Ambrose tae the outside and all of a sudden we've got a perty on our hands. Jimmy or Jey hits a picture perfect superkick, before Dolph gets in and goes apeshit on Ambrose. Hits a coupla clotheslines, the big splash in the corner and then yon spot in the corner where he jabs him a million times. He also goes for that elbow drop spot, but he only manages tae hit 3 of them before Reigns interferes. The finish wis just the brawest thing. Rollins hits an Uso wae a kick tae the heid, Dolph then hits Rollins wae the ZigZag, but everyone forgets Reigns is the legal man, and he proceeds tae spear Dolph oot his boots tae seal the win. Dolph sold the spear so well, he wound up in the queue at Argos wae a ticket tae pick up a weightliftin bench and childs paddling pool.
Here's The Macho Man balancing the RAW is WAR logo on his haun . Nae reason, just cause.
Antonio Cesaro vs Santino Marella
Nope. I'll mention the important hings. Cesaro wis wonderful, and he done the spins. About 30 of them. Then i don't remember. This match had no finish.
We close the show wae a promo, which for some reason I don't mind as much as us opening wae one.
Its Daniel Bryan and Orton and I fuckin hated the first few minutes of it. So slow paced and patterless. It picks up though, when Daniel Bryan gets yon intense way. He questions why Orton needed motivation wae trips, when Daniel himself NEVER needs any outside motivation. They exchange YES and NO chants, before huvin a wee physical altercation. It starts cause orton gets tae talkin about Daniels missus, and Danny just aint havin that. Its a crackin wee battle but sadly Orton gets the upper hand and batters our man stupid on the outside. He sets him up for Carmel DDT aff the apron, before Brie comes rushin oot n begs him tae stop. Sorry hen, that wis never gonnae work. DDT delivered. I wis fine wae that. He's took a million of yon DDts before and its never had any lasting effect but whit followed wis just TOO DAMN MUCH. yer man sets up Bryan on the announce tbale, before glancing at Brie aw greetin n that and then RKO'in her man through the table. The sarest of aw the dunts. I think he killed him.
Overall, a fucking stoater of a RAW. only dragged doon by Cesaro jobbing tae Santino for me (I mean whit? that match didnae have a finish) Nae Natalya either, so we'll caw it 8.5 brainbusters oota 10 shall we.
Be good to you and yours. x
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