Dixie emerges to open the show. Saying that AJ had overcome the odds stacked against him and he is her world champion. Tonight is about AJ and hes a very important person. For the last 6 weeks its all been about Dixie motivating AJ. Apparently AJ garners his motivation from terrible screechy promos.
He's gonna get a private dressing room with Fillet Mignon. She also gives him the same watch she gave Hulk Hogan. He's suspicious so she shows him the car she bought him. He remains suspicious and tells her he wont be on team Dixie. People boo. AJ says 'always the manipulation from Dixie Carter and im not buying it" and he delivers the line like it was something profound when it really wasn't. He then goes into some rousing chat about saving the company, which actually wasn't bad. He says she bet against him and lost.
Dixie says she'll cancel his title defence against Bully and they can jump in her private jet and leave this god forsaken town. Bully is naturally not amused by this and says that he didn't come all the way to Salt Crap City just to have her take his title shot away. AJ tells him to shut up and tells Dixie she's dumber than they all thought. AJ says the rematch clause doesn't apply to him because he has no contract but he'll defend anyway because that's what a champion does, he works without a contract and risks potential career threatening injury.
Bully calls him a redneck. Says he got lucky. Early Hebners fault, he didn't see Bully kick out of the Spiral Tap. Bully will win the re-match and send him back to his ugly wife. He calls himself a wrestling god and everyone spontaneously combusted with embarrassment.
AJ says the Aces and Eights are falling apart. This is the longest promo in the history of the world. AJ says hes going to win the rematch, and jump into the crowd again, because he is THE PHENOMENAL AJ STYLES. Bully jabs him in the stomach for his troubles. Lays into him with the picture frame which was in the ring and sets AJ up for the Bully Bomb only for MIIIISTERRRR ANDERSON to return and make the save. Him and Bully exchange right hands at a rapid rate, before Anderson gets the upper hand and delivers 20 forceful jabs to Bully. Bully escapes and has a wee cry.
Anderson then gets on the mic. Half an hour had elapsed if you include Ad breaks. Only promos. Anderson has been watching the product and he hates it. Everyone is sick and tried of it. He asks the live crowd if they're sick and tired of it. He then runs through everyone who's sick and tired of it again. At this point he has said 'sick and tired of it' 17 times. Dixie says he isn't authorised to enter her ring, so she sends security down to arrest him. He has been arrested in a while, sometimes he likes to be arrested to he fights with the security guards before giving himself up. I'm fairly certain Anderson was out his face on some heavy painkillers here or something.
40 minutes before a match started. 40.
ODB and Velvet Sky vs Gail Kim and Brooke.
This was ok. ODB performed admirably and Velvet delivered a nice sequence of clotheslines and a headscissors takedown. Follows that up with a neckbreaker but only gets a 2 count. ODB then hits a vicious spear on Brooke, before Lei'D Tapa sneaks in and booted Velvets head off her shoulders. Gail gets the cover for the win. This was one of 3 matches on Impact this week and it lasted 4 minutes. The other matches are the squash and a world title match. Impact just cant get away with making this little sense.
Bro-Mans talking into a mirror about Mr Olympia. Robbie then screams 'bammmmmm!' into a mirror while spraying hairspray on himself. Enriching promo. I feel like a better person for having witnessed it.
Ethan Carter the 3rd vs Dewey Barnes
EC3 wins in a 2 minutes squash with a faceplant type of move. 8 wrestlers performed on Impact this week. Dewey Barnes was one of them. Impact HAS to make more sense than this.
EC3 gets on the mic and tells us who he is. He's a Carter. The world needs them. To go away.
Magnus admitting to Sting backstage that he was disrespectful to him in the aftermath of their Bound For Glory match. He was too wrapped up in winning. Sting accepts this apology and its all very amicable. Very nice. The only humour to be derived from it was the fact that it was in the bar of some seedy hotel, and they most likely shared a nice fish dinner afterwards before sharing a taxi to their respective homes.
Angle comes out to cut a promo. The reason he rejected the HOF induction is that he has so much more to prove. Don't be soft Kurt ma man! you've done plenty. He then looks into the camera, and the 4th wall comes crashing DOWN.
Roode comes out and tells him the real reason he declineds his induction was because he knew he couldn't beat Roode. Roode reminds him he beat him fair and square, right here..in the middle...of the ring. Horribly delivered line, so wooden. Sounded like he was lip syncning and someone kept pausing the tape. He says he failed when he had a short at Angles title a couple of years ago, and now its Angles turn to feel like a failure. The crowd were actually into this wee bit despite the fact that it was so forced. Angle done a decent job of sounding like he was into it though, and he challenges Roode to a match right there and then but Roode reveals even if they both wanted to, Angle cant wrestle because he isn't medically cleared. Angle confirms this is true he isn't cleared to wrestle but he is ALWAYS clear for kicking Roodes arse. So he goes ahead and does just that. Security split them up and Roode jumps around the ring like he's just filled his his suit trousers with various kinds of bodily fluids.
Bully telling the rest of his club that Anderson is selfish. They don't look impressed. Probably because they're pod people. Bully says he'll get his title back. That's nice for him.
Bro-Mans come out to have a party. I think they oiled each other up real good. They jumped around a bit and get a 'you cant wrestle' chant before Gunner and James Storm come out. Gunner is needlessly shirtless. Storm heard there was a party but he demands the DJ gets the hell out his ring. Calls him DJ Anus, when his name is actually IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS.
Storm opens the champagne the new tag champs have brought, and makes fun of Robbies skinny jeans. Storm tells them their title reign is going to be the shortest in TNA history and then BAD INFLUENCE EMERGED TO SAVE OUR TORTURED SOULS. Hello there lads.
Bad Influence refer to themselves as the best tag team in the biz-ah-ness, and they're petitioning for a title shot to become, and this is a direct Kaz quote "the world tag team champions of the world...for a third time" Daniels interjects to tell them to "Never mind the knowledge the Secretary of offence just dropped on you, the problem I have is that you have entirely the wrong beverages for a real party" everyone knows beer is for the lower class, and champagne is for posers, if you're going to celebrate a victory you do it with the manliest of all the drinks. An Appletini. Gunner throws the Appletini in his face and everyone has a ruckus. Park and Eric Young emerge to give Storm and Gunner a hand but Park gets a bottle smashed over hid head, bleeds and turns into Abyss again.
PICK A GIMMICK. Jesse Godderz gets chokeslammed and that was that. A 10 minute mess.
AJ Styles vs Bully Ray (TNA Title Match)
Jeremy Borash done the intros for this. I don't know where his eyes are. It keeps me up at night. Was he just born without them? how does he not fall down more?
Bully tells him to shut up when he's introducing him, and he does his own intro but AJ decides punching Bully would be more fun than hearing him say more words.
AJ takes him round all 4 corners and smashes him head first into all 4 top turnbuckles, before hitting a snapmare then a kick to the back. Leapfrog then dropkick. As a match it already had me more enagaged than their BFG effort. Bully fights back with the shake rattle n roll, but AJ hits back with a Pele kick, and a quick rollup for a 2 count. AJ then gets thrown a million feet in the air by Bully, and he lands awkwardly because a million feet in the air is really very high.
Double clothesline from these two veterans followed. Textbook stuff troops.
Another high toss into the air from Bully, this time AJ manages to land on his back. The likelihood of breaking your neck in this situation decreases exponentially.
Bully goes for the elbow drop but AJ moves. He does not much care for being elbow dropped.
The boys exchange jabs once more and Bully reverts to some chest slapping before AJ hits some kicks and then a perfect springboard flying forearm. Bully hits a desperately shit Samoan Drop, but despite that this had still been an excellent match. Bully goes up top, but AJ blocks and looks set to go for the top rope hurricanrana, Bully blocks and goes for a backwards splash off the top rope but AJ moves. AJ decides its his turn to miss the mark with a move, only his move is the springboard 450 splash and missing that move often leads to decapitation (shoulders no longer being attached to your head)
AJ goes for a tilt o whirl DDT, but Bully throws him into Earl Hebner who gets knocked out in the process. AJ locks in the calf killer and Bully decides to tap but no ref means no decision. Hebner gets up in time for Bully to hit a diamond cutter looking move after striking AJ with a chain, but AJ kicks out because he's the PHENOMENAL AJ STYLES. Early is still a bit out of it so Bully goes for the chain again, only for Anderson to jump on the apron, having got out of the handcuffs on his own because he's a god damned MAGICIAN. AJ takes advantage of the distraction to get the quick pin on Bully to retain. Anderson and Bully have an incredibly half hearted brawl in amongst referees and security. Dixie appears with a contract in her hand for AJ to sign. Oh good. One more promo.
The contract is full of zeros and other things AJ would like. Dixie says she is so sweet, so she put some strawberry bonbons in the contract too, and he can have the car from earlier. She wants him to sign his contract and they can put all this mess behind us. LETS MOVE FORWARD AJ. She offers him a first bump, and then hands him his contract. AJ looks at it briefly, looks at Dixie and then tells her the contract is amazing. He thinks she's a horrible human though, and says she bought her fancy home on the money earned from the blood, sweat and tears of wrestlers. He wipes his arse with the contract. He shows her the title and says its his, hes taking it from her. Its his now. He leaves in a car, she pleads for him to come back. He leaves anyway because he's a rebel without a cause, but also a rebel with a title. Which he's taking from Dixie. He said that previously so that's how we all know for sure.
Overall Impact was all about people repeating themselves in promos and around 25-30 minutes of wrestling time. Bully vs AJ was a decent match, but on a show which made sense and actually contained some proper wrestling matches, it would have been average at best. 4.5 out of 10.
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