Pre-Show - Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow
The feed for this wis more dodgy then they fake VTech computers ye used tae get fur weans years ago. Mind them? Whit noise does the coo make? who gies a fuck big man, stick GTA oan n leave me alane. Dolph dominated, and got aw his usual spots in. 10 elbow draps? better believe it. Jabs in the corner? yeah baby. Fameasser? muhfuckin right. ZigZag fur the win? nae messin. Job done. Dolph Ziggler made the link fur the pre-show aw choppy cause everyone loves him so much they hud tae see it. Nae jokes mon frere. Nae messin.
Dolph is the best at sellin currently, but nae cunt has ever sold a move better than Billy Gunn sells the Clothesline fae hell. If you are in denial aboot that, ye should just prolly shut up n stop bein daft.
Berto Del Rio vs Rabert Van Dam (WH Title Match)
Ach this wis a fun time. Any match that hus ladders involved within 5 minutes is fine by me. Nuhin much happens wae the ladder early on, but that would aw change. Bert Van Dam is the main man early on, giein it aw yer spinning heel kicks, n acrobatic legdrops. He tries tae get a ladder intae the ring, but Del Rio tries tae block it so RVD scuds him in the ribs wae it. Sare dunt.
RVD whips him intae the corner, but theres also happens tae be a ladder in that corner so Del Rio flees oot the ring lit he had a bottle rocket stuck up his rectum. Del Rio gets the Bertometer swinging in his direction but the dafty comes aff the tap rop wae a bin in his haun, which is basically a special invitation tae get dropkicked. Split legged moonsault on the ladder fur yer troubles Del Rio ya diddy ride. Kicked out at 2 but. Then he done it. It happened. He puts the ladder on ADRs chest on the outside and fuckin frog splashed him. On the ladder. Bert Van Damn dived chest first on tae a ladder tae entertain you. Why don't you love him like I do? It wis quite deliberate that they done that spot ootside the ring but, so he couldnae pin him. Aw for nuhin so it wis, RVD goes for the coast tae coast wae a chair in his haun, but Del Rio rolls oot the road and eventually retains wae the crossarmbreaker plus a chair in there somewhere. I dunno how he got any purchase on the hold wae a chair in there, but there ye go. Game err. Really entertaining wee match though. Ye could dae worse hings wae 15 minutes of yer time. I'll pit it tae ye like that ma man. On tae the next yin.
The Real Americans vs Santino and Khali
Spins. The spins meht. Nothing else happened but spins. I says earlier than unless Cesaro done the spins wae Khali, this match had nae business even being on Smackdoon or suhin never mind a PPV, but he done the spins. At least 10-15 spins. Antonio Cesaro meht, you are my fuckin hero. Ye make me proud tae represent baldy guys wae unusual upper body strength and hunners of rhythm. Ye really dae. I think he's the only cunt I could ever meet that I'd be too starstruck tae gie some patter. I'd just stare at his nips the hale time. Anyway, he done the spins on Khali then pinned him, which made my life worth aw the hassle its been so far.
Curtis Axel vs R-Truth (IC Title Match)
When I wis wee, I wis once excluded fae somedys birthday perty. A pal of mine tae, I wis one of 3 folk oot the whole class no invited, know why it wis? cause I wis a Sellik man. A gid Sellik man, persecuted for it since I wis 9 year auld. Bet ye Curtis Axels whole life is that. Just him eatin dinner on his ain in a wee roll shop, while the rest of the Paul Heyman guys go fur steak dinners n talk about how shite he is. He wins wae that jaunty neckbreaker thing he does, but so fuck. So fuck meht. Whit a pointless pile of excrement this wis.
AJ Lee vs Brie Bella
See this is whit I mean, other than the Cesaro spins, this whole block wis just pointless and ye could argue the match wae the two Berts wis the same, as gid as it was, fuckin pointless in the grand scheme of things. This wis a fuckin waste of time n energy. Everything on the ICW FF show I saw the other week wis mare worthwhile than this. Brie gets distracted cause Tamina is gettin ready tae batter her shiter of a sister n AJ rolls Brie up for the win. Brie spent the whole fuckin match no selling everthing. Utter shite. Daniel Bryan ma man, there's still time. Kaitlyns single, get in amongst her instead. Its always nice tae huv a burd that can life ye clean aff the ground n fling ye for miles.
Cody Rhodes and Goldust (with Dusty Rhodes) vs Seth Rollins n Roman Reigns (with Dean Ambrose)
If this match isnae the greatest thing ye've ever seen then ye musta seen some really braw shit in yer time. Fair play tae ye man, yer living right.Nah seriously though, for me only Lesnar v Punk tops it all year in terms of PPV matches. I include Taker v Punk fae Mania in that equation tae. It wis just perfect in every way. I wanted tae turn the events of this match intae sleepin bag n jist climb in it fur days. Years even.
It begins wae just the maist iconic moment of aw the moments. Aw three of the Rhodes boys standing face tae face wae The Shield. Dusty gets his belt aff n looks ready tae fuckin rumble meht n d'ye know whit happened? The Shield fuckin shat it. Filled their collective breeks n retreated.
Then a match broke oot and boy wis it braw. It starts are yer general tag team fare, nuhin much special about it then my man Cody Rhodes went n turned it up a few million notches by hitting a braw moonsaunt on Rollins. Tags in his big brerr Goldy, and the boy goes hauf daft on Reigns. Leathers him stupit. Reigns whips him intae the corner, but Goldust ducks his attack, then he only goes up on the fuckin top rope and hits a reverse crossbody meht. Nae kiddin. Goldust is fuckin 44 years of age, and he's diving aboot like Juventud Guerrera fulla eccies. It wis a fuckin joy to behold. I'd tae go intae the kitchen n stick my heid in the oven for an hour just tae calm mysell doon. We continued wae the brawness. Cody gets back in n spins my man Rollins aboot fur fuckin ages before slammin him.
Ambrose tries tae stick his neb in bu Cody knocks him aff the apron and then the daddy gets involved. Dusty has seen enough of Deano n his shite so he has. He tosses his hat at Ambrose, then knocks him on his erse wae the belt wrapped roon his haun, before elbowing him right in the eye socket, then he chases him tae fuck wae the belt in hand. Rollins capitalises on the distraction though and all of a sudden The Rhodesezies are in bother. Rollins goes the rollup after Gpldust takes Reigns oot the game on the outside, but Cody kicks out and then it happened. CROSS RHODES BABY! LIGHTS OOT. Rollins sells it like he's went 12 rounds on the sharp end of George Foremans gloves. Game, set and fuckin match. The Rhodes faimly aw keep their jobs. Goldust for WH Champion before the year's oot. tellin ye noo.
They huv a wee celebration on the stage wae some cunts fae the locker room. Justin Gabriels there, so's Zack Ryder and ma wee Nattie lookin jist braw as usual. Yer radiant hen.
That whole fuckin hing reduced me tae a pile of happy thoughts, partially gnawed fingernails and patches of ejaculate stains on ma nu-balances. It wis a feast for the senses
Brad Maddox sweatin through a bear costume backstage. Why ye wearin a bear costume mate? Copying the lion costume guy fae ICW is it? get a lyf mahn! Vickie is there tae. Who cares.
Bray Wyatt vs Kofi Kingston
I didnae get the point in this match tbh, but then it gid stuff happened. Then Bray happened. Seemed like an exercise in futility so it did, but I forgot Bray Wyatt wis amazin briefly. This was extremely silly of me and I can assure ye it will not happen again. He dominates the whole match really. As a match it wisnae uptae match, cause Kofi done fuck all, bar a wee bit of usual jumpin aboot daft routine when he had a few wee rallies. Bray is chattin tae him the whole time anaw, giein him aw the patter. "You're inadequate and even your mother knows it!" and other such vile things were said. Kofi does have a nice wee spot when he dives over the top rope and lands on aw 3 of the Wyatt boys, but he's delaying the inevitable. Yer gonnae get battered Kofi pal. Then it happened. Good lord in heaven what did I just see? a 300 hunner pound bear of a man daein a backwards crab walk. Leering at Kofi the whole time. Fuck me gently man. That's just too much. I don't know whit Bray Wyatt is, but he's certainly no human. Cunt looks impervious tae pain. The finish wis actually braw tae, as they both block moves fae each other before Bray hits a quick Sister Abigail oota naeplace and that's that.
Its no quite done yet though. Bray sets up camp in the corner, while Rowan hits a weird backbreaker thing that started wae him cradling Kofi. Harper then knocked his hied clean aff before Bray got on the mic and done that breathaking thing wae the words.
One by one. They will fall. Follow the buzzards.
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAW.
Ryback vs CM Punk
So fuckin sad aboot this man. I hope it wid be good, but it was a total shiter. Ryback is a clumsy big fanny and the whole match had nae pace tae it ataw. Ryback caught the "you cant wrestle" chants and I usually cannae go that, cause when its aimed at Cena its idiotic, but it wis warranted here. He cannae wrestle. In fact he cannae even guide a cunt through a table properly cause he's a fuckin haufwit. I didnae like Punks first match wae Rock, but this actually topped it for shiteness. The fact that 2 men have managed tae drag shite matches out of Punk this year when he's had some many classics makes me fuckin despair. Big E Langston had a faaar better match in 5 minutes on Monday than this 20 minute snoozer. Punk reverses a powerbomb attempt intae a beautiful hurricanrana and Ryback sells it by fuckin SITTIN UP at the end of it. If yer sittin up at the end of a hurricanrana ye;ve sellt it wrang, and yer shite. Heymans big beautiful Ryback finally falls when the ref snibs Heyman gettin ready tae level Punk wae a Kendo Stick, and Punk takes advantage of his back being turned tae boot Ryback in the baws and seal the win. CM Punk disnae respect Ryback and it wis fuckin blatantly obvious here. Widnae sell for him ataw and quite right tae.
Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton (match for the vacant WWE title)
The power wis oot for a good 5 minutes before this, so that gave Orton enough oiling up time tae actually slide doon tae the ring on his belly. He collides heid first wae the steel steps but regains consciousness just in time tae hear another earth shattering pop for Daniel Bryan. The early exchanges of the match are dominated by two things; Randy Ortons boring as fuck offensive moveset, and Daniel Bryans heidband flailing aboot daft. Even before the finish, I wis enjoying this match a lot less than the rest of the encounters between these two, even the ones on RAW before the belt was involved, and a couple of them were fuckin snoozers.Bryan gets tae dominating, and kicks Orton straight tae buggery. Sare. Gets Orton on the outside next, and hits a beezer of a missile dropkick. Goes for a another dropkick back in the ring, this time off the top rope but Orton catches him and hits a powerbomb. Aww aye, I nearly forgot, at the start Orton gets Bryan baws first on the ropes, and hits a dropkick fae the top rope, nice weespot so of course the cunt will dae it in every match noo tae we're aw deid the robots have took over. I could have been dishonest n just went back and inserted that spot intae the relevant place in the match, but i cannae mind exactly when it happened so its gaun here. Ye got a ploblem wae that? Naw? Good. Orton actually performed admirably in this yin, aside fae the sluggish start. Hits a beautiful top rope superplex on Bryan anaw. Bryan kicks oot but cause he's no huvin any of this kerry oan. That's his belt. He's gonnae pump that wee Bella daft wae it roon his waist later, then get her dumped for Beth Phoenix, or even wee Mickie James or suhin. Anyway Bryan gets back in the ascendency, and hIts that picture perfect flying heidbutt. I think he does it better than Benoit personally, but thats just me meht. Orton kicked out at 2, so bryan decides tae stop fuckin aboot and gets the yes lock in. Tap ya fuckin midden. TAP! he looked on the verge of it and then 7 fOOT of bawlin big jessie came oot tae wreck the day. Fuck off Show ya big diddy ride.
He pulls the ref oot the ring. Uses him tae dry his tears, and flushes him doon the pan like ye wid dae wae any spunkrag. He then knocks Daniel Bryan clean oot, and that walloper Scott Armstrong emerges tae seemingly count the 1,2,3 n hand Orton the belt once more. BUT WAIT! Show knocks him oot anaw, and then he gets in Orton's face for a bit. Orton gies it aw that "Triple H is gonnae set your dug oan fire!" patter before Show knocks him clean oot anaw. Then it just fuckin ended. I'm still so confused. I don't know whit happened. Heel turn, face turn, heel turn. Death.
The central thesis tae take fae it aw is that we still have no WWE Champion, and The Big Show can promptly get tae fuck.
Overall if it wisnae for the Cesaro spins, the Wyatt brawness and that perfect Rhodes vs Shield match, this would have been the worst PPV of the year by a mile, but those braw things brings it up tae just being average. 6.5 Boston Crabs oota 10.
RAWs gonnae be an intiguing one for sure, if if your job requires the operation of heavy machinery, don't be watchin it live. Ye need at least 6 hours kip in ye or people might get injured n that.
THANKS 4 READING, DOON'T FORGET TO SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOOTOOB PAGE, AND FOLLOW ME TUMBLR. MY USERNAME FOR BOTH IS "NAW MATE".
Ciao x
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