Ripped it oota JBL some more, before getting aw the bairns oot their seats wae a wee speech about how this is the Cenation, and the champ wis here. Lovely wee promo, vintage Cena. But that wisnae it.
HALLELUJAH!
"The uncrowned champ is here"
Damien Sandow strolled oot, briefcase in hand and tellt John its impossible for an injury like his tae heal so soon. He wis mare wounded than he wis letting on, and because of this Damo is gonnae be cashin in his MITB title shot RIGHT NOO. Teasin bastard but so he is, he decides against it, but Cena pulls him back so Damien just straight up dismantled Johns bad arm wae the briefcase. Mangled it. Then he wrapped his arm roon the ringpost, before daein a wee funny Cena impression when he launched him intae the barricade. This is a brutal beating so far eh? put ye oot the game for 6 months kinda thing eh? well no quite. Sandow finishes off the beating by settin Cenas arm u on the steel steps and shattering it wae a steel chair. He's really needin a new arm at this stage eh? No the best time for him tae be in a match, but he had nae choice in the matter as Sandow decided tae cash in after all.
John Cena vs Damien Sandow (WH Title Match)
Whit a strange bit of booking this wis. The way the segment had gone until then seemed tae heavily favour Sandow being put over strong. He bossed the match, probably due tae him having the use of both arms. Got Cena in aw sortsa armbars n that, draps the knee on Cenas arm a few times. Every imaginable thing ye could dae wae an arm, besides stick it up yer arse...Sandow done it. The arm stuff made sense cause Cena wis hurt, but Sandow disnae use a submission hold that's pertinent tae it so I didnae really get that either. Cena rallies wae some jabs, before they huv a brief jab exchange. Cena inexplicably hits a shoulder block wae the bad arm. Then goes for the 5 knuckle shuffle, cause he appears tae have limited his move set tae hings that require the use of his bad arm. Sandow blocks and goes after Cena again. Vicious Irish whip tae the corner. Tweets Cenas maw and tells her she makes a rotten Steak Pie. Hist a bad cunt so he is. Cena hits the AA ooota naewhere, but for some reason he chucked Sandow a mile across the ring and he rolled oot tae safety. This is when ye ken we were getting this Super Cena routine, cause Sandows quite happily having a wee nap and taking his countout but for some stupid as fuck reason he drags Sandow back in. Locks in that fuckin dire excuse for an STF, but his arms too sare, so Sandow slips oot n hits a beezer of a neckbreaker. Goes for yon full nelson slam hes been using as a finisher, but Cena blocks and comes back wae a fuckin mad mid air neckbreaker hing. Ooaft aye, this wis the gid stuff.
They both get up, n Sandow wriggles his way intae a braw crossface. Cena looks like hes tappin but he fights oot, so Sandow goes n hits the Full Nelson Slam (he cries it you're welcome) surely for the win? NUT .....RAPPPADOOOO...SUUUUUUPER CENA GETS THE SHOODER UP.
Cena goes up top but misses a corssbody by a fuckin mile. Sandow sets up for a piledriver, but ye kent something wis up there cause ye canae dae them anymerr. Cena blocks it and hits the AA tae retain the fuckin belt, despite getting battered before the match, and hit wae Sandows new finisher. Fuck sake.
I'm a big Cena fan n aw that, but this wis perfectly poised for Sandow tae take the belt. This was a chance tae make him a star and its been passed up. If he disnae get another chance at the belt I'm gonnae take Vince McMahon oot for a nice steak dinner, we'll get on great, exchange snapchat usernames n that, then I'm gonnae completely dingy him forever. That'll show the cunt.
The Shield promo backstage. Spoke about how last nights mistakes wont be replicated when Big E n Dean Ambrose have their rematch for the US Title. Ambrose polishes it aff by saying The Shield wurnae gonnae lose the last title they have left, a statement which wis met wae some HEAVY growlers fae Rollins n Reigns. Ambrose called himself the baddest man on the planet or suhin, but he wis aboot tae be the baddest man on the planet wae wan eye if he kept up that patter. Braw wee promo but, and what an exciting start I must say! We were all having a spiffing time.
Big E Langston vs Dean Ambrose
Match wis a dummy so it wis. Big E got the upper hand so The Shield interfered tae cause the DQ. Decided it wid probably be a gid time if they triple powerbombed Big E for a giggle, but The Usos wurnae havin any of it. That sweaty wee spunkrag Brad Maddox jumps oot and fills a paddlin pool wae his forehead sweat before knocking Teddy Longs patter and making it a 6 man tag.
Usos and Big E vs The Shield
Great match this wis, but I'd have rather seen Big E and Medium D finish their yin. Its no a lot tae ask is it? Braw kick fae Rollins on Jimmy or Jey, then Ambrose gets tae work wae yon methodical stomping, sleeper haudin and trash talkin. A potent mix. Uso fights oot wae a chinbreaker then a mental spinning kick tae the temple. Regins gets in and flys at his wee cousin, but Uso#1 reverses intae a DDT and tags in Uso#2. Uso#2 rams his bum intae Seths face. Big E and Ambrose both go flyin over the ropes, leavin Rollins tae try n Superplex an Uso, Uso blocks it and hits a facebuster aff the top. Reigns gets back in and him and Rollins got for a double suplex, but other Uso catches him on the way doon, and they double superkicked Rollins oot the ring only tae turn roon intae DOUBLE SPEAR AFF THEIR BIG COUSIN. Cousins bein cousins ma man, ye cannae whack it. Job done. Shield prevail.
HBK and Daniel Bryan segment
Shawn phoned in the solo part of this, cause he goes deid behind the eyes when he steps in a wrasslin ring these days. Bryan comes oot and makes the promo instantly 10x more significant despite the fact that he didnae say a word. Didnae even look like he breathed. Aw his energies were channelled towards gien HBK that icy stare. Shawn said he only done whit he done cause Bryan flew at his best pal knee first. No matter whit, Triple H is his besto. He stuck by him through the dark times where HBK wis sellin the plates aff the European Title for a bag ah blues. Hunter needed him tae dae whit he done, and he had tae be there for his BFF. HBK tells Bryan he's sorry. Accept my apology ya cunt. Danny correctly shuns the cheatin wee cunt. HBK tells him he taught Daniel Bryan his most valuable lesson last night, don't trust anycunt. He done ye a favour Daniel ma man! kiss his fuckin feet or suhin. He pleads again for the handshake. Daniel Bryan tells him tae away n shite in his hauns n clap.
FINALLY we get a rise oota Shawn. He tellt Bryan he's been pleadin his case tae anycunt that listens, and he earned mare respect than this. "Shake ma fuckin haun ya wee cunt!" Bryan eventually gies in but he uses the handshake as an opportunity tae fire in a wee Yes Lock, and wait....haud oan, Daniel Bryan has the Yes Lock in on Shawn Michaels? and he's tapping? I take it aw back Shawn, yer no deid behind the eyes ataw pal. Even just getting a wee cheeky glimpse at a Daniel Bryan vs Shawn Micheals match wis enough tae get ma drawers soakin. I said a while back if HBK wis ever tae return, it should be tae face Daniel Bryan. Imagine if it fuckin happened at WM30. That's the only alternative tae Bryan vs Punk for the WWE Belt that I'd accept, cause it wis be artwork meht.
Daniel Bryan stauns backstage wae Renee Young. Lookin tae hash this HBK thing oot. Then oor Renee done a braw job of selling what was about tae happen, and she goes wide eyed and kinda retreats fae the camera shot. Light oot. They're here.
Harper and Rowan hit Bryan wae some big clubbing rights n lefts, before launching him hairy wee face first intae a ladder. He faws at Brays feet and yer mans talkin about the Devil aking him dae it, before he his Sister Abigail on Bryan sending him intae a fence. Then he hurls a container fulla Randy Ortons botches T-Bone Suplexes towards Bryans face. Bryans deid. The devil made him do it. At this point I thought he meant Kane, or Brother Love, or suhin like that but that those options wid later be proven unlikely.
3MB vs Los Matacannaebebotheredthinkinupofanotherpunwaetheirname
Total and utter dick tease this wis. 3MB got an entrance, so yer thinkin they may have a significant role tae play here. They didnae. They jobbed and the wee Bull battered Jinder. This shite needs tae get tae fuck man, same shite, aw the fuckin time. Naebdy gives a fuck about these cunts anymore. Heath had a wee net for the bull, but he couldnae get him wae it and instead HE'S the one who gets trapped in the net! lol. What a swerve! Get this pish tae fuck.
Tamina and AJ vs The Bellas
Ah Tamina. Kinda burd that always has a spirit level on her person at all times. Kinda burd who rips the pish oot ye for drinkin mainstream lager. A burd that could fling ye aboot. The match wis a sloppy pile of baws cause The Bellas are worse than useless, but at least AJ made the shite Bella tap oot so I spose that's no too bad.
Kane vs The Miz
Fuckin yass. A simple squash here. Kane squashin The Miz like the irrelevant wee skidmark he is. Easy as fuck. Chokeslam. Games a bogey. Miz wis selling his injuries fae Smackdown and the Chokeslam he took at HIAC, but he wisnae injured enough tae be squashed we such ease. he got squash cause he can get tae fuck.
Kane wisnae done yet though, and he calls Stephanie McMahon oot for a heart tae heart. Steph comes oot in her Primark diddy huggin jumper and Kane tells her she's been a wee cow. A manipulative life ruining boot. It felt like he wis stickin up for his auld buddy D-Bry, but we get a BIG RID SWERVE. Kane tells Steph that these days being a wee cow is whits best of business, and hands her his wig n mask. The monster is once again a gammy eyed baldy irrelevance.
Steph held the mask proudly above her heid tae finish the segment. On ye go Steph hen, stick it on. It'll be gid.
Prime Time Players are the latest wans tae try this 'best salesman in the WWE' patter wae yon WWE Shop segment. Its my favourite one yet by far, the boays huv got hunners of charisma. Funny coupla lads. Mind that wee push they got when Darren first came oot but? naw? neither dae they meht.
CM Punk vs Ryback
Sufferin fuck. Why? Spose its gid that it definitely seems like this would be the last time Punk had tae work wae this nugget, but why even dae it one more time? there wis a vote on the app about the stipulation, and we chose street fight. Punk cuts a wee promo about Heyman being deid and how Ryback wis a square breasted nae cunt withoot him. The match wis marginally better than their Cell match I thought, but ultimately still shite. Its like if yer spewin, and one of the spew seshes is slightly less painful than previous ones. Yer still spewin. Its still unpleasant. Ryback disnae huv it. He never did. Big awkward moving fandan. If he continues tae get pushed at Big Es expense, its either racism or discrimination against diddies that are the correct shape. Nae other reasons. Punk ducks under that horrendous clothesline and hits oot wae a swinging neckbreaker, before setting up a table. They huv a wee back and forth roon aboot the table, which Punk won via a big kick thae the heid, Ryback landed on the table of course, and Punk hits him wae the flyin elbow through the table, Anaconda Vice fur yer supper, and Rywank taps.
Darkness
We here the Wyatts music again. This is it. This is finally it. They've finally made the mark we aw thought they would soon enough. Leaving naecunt diddies like Miz and Kofi behind and gaun after the big boays. Bray leads his flock oot, and Punk eggs them on. Come ahead ya diddy rides.
Rowan and Harper attacked and finally got the better of Punk after a wee battle. Harper irish whips Rowan intae Punk wae the big splash in the corner and that's Brays cue tae get up. He looks Punk in the eye, but Punks still got some fight left and he heidered Bray right between the eyes. Harper responds tae that wae yon cracking lariat he does, and Bray finally delivered Sister Abigail.
The devil made him do it.
A few theories bouncing aboot about who the "devil" he's referring to is. I think its just him bein aw dark n mysterious tbh. Brays character disnae fit in wae answering to a higher power ataw. Time will tell but eh chief.
Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs The Real Americans
Oh whit a lovely wee surprise this wis. Not only was Cesaro involved in a proper wrestling match, where he wisnae reduced tae spinnin some jobber aboot, but the match wis a fuckin cracker AND The Real Americans went over. Mental. Goldust and Cesaro kick things aff and ye can instantly tell they have chemistry. Swagger gets in there tae and even he's lookin sharp. Its aw just workin in this match so it is. Snapmare and a knee tae Cesaros melt by Cody, followed by a facebuster. Goldust wae a running bulldog when he got back in anaw. Then a springboard dropkick fae Cody. Magic. Gid fuckin tag wrasslin, every week. Cannae whack it. Censaro deadlifts Cody and flings him for miles wae the gutwrench suplex. Swagger gets in and hits the Swagger Bomb, then yon double team foot stomp spot and The Real Americans were right in control so they wur. Mental considering they lost tae yer Matadors the night before, and The Rhodes boys retained their belts in that brilliant triple threat match. Cesaro with yon chuck up in the air and uppercut spot, but Goldust breaks up the pin at 2. Goldust gets back in and gies us aw the classics. Beautiful uppercut, and some jabs up the ropes. Corssbody on Swagger but Swagger rolled oot of the pin and locked in the Ankle Lock. Getting tae yon frantic part of these matches and that only means one thing. Its time fur a finish. Goldust counters the ankle lock and rolls Swagger up for 2, before everycunt clears oot. Swaggers takes Goldust doon, and gets a second Ankle Lock in (I'm no fuckin calling it the Patriot Lock neer im no, leave it) and Goldust fuckin taps oot. A non title win for yer Real Americans, and in a braw match tae. Lovely.
Oh and Cesaro was on the outside when Swagger got G|oldust tae tap oot, an when he discovered whit happened he done the maist hilarious celebration. Pure unadulterated joy, and if my man Cesaro is happy, we should aw be happy. That's the rules.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Del Rio cutting a promo in a suit. Nae belt, means nae attention. Dingied it.
Summer Rae vs Natalya
A singles match between two Divas who had an interest in pro wrasslin before WWE recruited them? On Raw? never thought I'd see the like again, but that's whit we got here. A short but entertaining wee contest. Summer Rae on the main roster is the only thing happenin right noo which actually is fuckin best for business. Hilariously Khali hovers aboot in the ring when the match is due tae start, cunt looks like he regularly forgets how tae function as a normal human, and has tae start fae scratch every now and again. He stauns on the apron for a few seconds before the daft big cunt realises he's no in the match. Still looked extremely confused by the whole hing when he does eventually accept he's tae get oot.
Summer hits a lovely kick intae the corner, and does some high pitched screamin at poor wee Nattie. Leave her alane ya wee cow. Summer locks in a beautiful Indian Deathlock and shouts at Nattie tae tap, before rolling it intae a pin for a 2 count. Two lassies that can fuckin go. Mental.
Natty fights back wae some knees in the corner, and a wee slap but Summers back on top soon after. Gets a camel clutch lookin hing locked in where it looked like she wis feedin Natalya her ain hair, Massively impressed wae Summer here, in every way imaginable, but she lost tae the maist wonderful lookin sharpshooter I've ever seen. Chugged masell dry err it.
Randy Ortons WWE Title celebration closed the show, and by fuck, it wis a demoralising way tae bring a stoater of a RAW tae a close. Pish. Turgid pish.
Aw the wrasslers are gathered on the stage including CURTIS FUCKIN AXEL lookin fit as a fiddle. Whit the fucks that aw aboot? if ye pull out of a title defence, I want tae see ye admitted tae a hospital wae a road sign stickin oot his heid or suhin.
Triple H comes oot and talks about how good Randy Ortons tap lip tastes, before Orton emerges for some fuckin reason. They had a boke inducing group hug. Steph talks aboot Randy being whit we all aspire tae be. He got on the mic and naebdy cared. Even Orton stopped caring haufway in. Monotonous pish before The Big Show charges oot. Everycunt clears the ring, but Orton does a wee sneaky sneaky, and hits him fae behind wae the belt. Big Show knocks him oot for the sneakiness and then we had a showdown between Trips n The Big Show. In 2013 this is the main rivalry. Triple H shat oot it and went hame. RAW ended wae The Big Show shakin his heid as a cenral figure in the storyline involving the main belt. In 2013. Take this shite tae fuck.
Overall a smashin RAW. Opening segment was one of the best of the year, even if it had the wrang finish. Wyatts at the forefront of it aw, and Cesaro going over strong without any spinnin aboot. Negatives were nae Ziggler and a total rotter of a final segment, and that makes this weeks RAW a right decent 7.25 top rope hurricanranas oota 10.
Stock photie of Giant Gonzalez tellin ye hes yer mad uncle.
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