Fuckin Smackdown. I like ye n that Smackdown meht, don't get it twisted here, but I just cannae be fucked tae tell ye the truth. I watched it on friday night for a start, so I've forgot maist of whit happened and I'm hungover tae fuck. Unfortunately I also huv this mental tick that means writing about it isnae a choice anymore. Its a compulsion. So here I sit, wae a mooth that feels lit I've been up aw night gargling sand n broken bottles, and an ersehole thats the riddest of aw the rids (I'm having stomach issues btw, I wisnae gettin skelped or that, ya middens)
So aye, the Big Show opens this weeks Smackdown. Greets cause he's middle aged noo and aw emotional aboot it. Cheer up ya big melt, it might never happen. Triple H emerges and tells him no tae worry, auld trips has paid his mortgage for him so he's nae need tae worry about the bank taking his hoose aff him. he has tae worry about Triple H taking his hoose aff him, then living in it, and spunkin up aw the curtains n worktops. A fate worse than death, so naturally Show is gonnae be daein Triple Hs bidding for him fae now tae forever. He also has tae face The Shield and Randy Orton in a 4 on 1 Handicap match that night cause booking good matches is for stupit heids! Every main event fae now till Armageddon comes is tae be a mental handicap match. Nae questions asked.
RVD vs Fandango
Two of my main cunts. My guys. Ma brerrs. Facing off against each other? eww naw. Didnae like it. Match wis short, but entertaining enough. RVD does yon roll intae the corner thing, before flipping Fandango a mile intae the air. Hits the rolling thunder, then when he goes for the Frog Splash, Summer Rae tripped him so she did. DQ.
Fandango attacks yer RD afterwards, but of course RVD rallies, before daein yon coast to coast hing whilst Ricardo Rodriguez held a bin up tae Fandangos coupon. Makes mare sense than Del Rio holding the bin himself when he done that spot at NOC I suppose, but aye, basically this whole match wis so RVD could show us that he can still do that spot, and with the WH Title match being a No DQ situation, he'll prolly dae it tae win the belt at Battleground. Hallelujah.
Ryback vs R-Truth
Aside from Heyman passionately telling Ryback "He's bullying you!" this could get tae fuck. Total snoozer of a match. Rywank wins wae the shellshock. Then Axel attacks Truth, and I barely remember this so I'll gie ye exactly whit I took doon as notes fur it.
"Axel attacks, Truth sells it lit he's deid, terrible Axel words"
Sums it up no bad I reckon.
Del Rio gettin interviewed backstage. Someone gies him the trash can RVD broke intae wee bits on Fandangos coupon and Del Rio throws a right hissyfit. Bert Van Dam's comin fur that belt ma man.
Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio
Why in the name of fuckin christ wis Dolph Ziggler taken oot the WH Title picture? can anycunt gie me a legit explanation for that pish? a fuckin nansense so it is. This match is proof. Del Rio is more than capable of having decent runs with the top belts but ONLY if he is provided with top quality opponents tae feud with and he has had fuckin none of that since Dolph last dropped oot the picture. Nae offense tae Christian, but naw mate. Yer times up with regards tae being a top cunt. I love me some RVD, but he really should be back tae put new talent over like Y2J. Dolph Ziggler is yer guy. Dolph Ziggler could make that belt at least somewhat relevant again.
Anyway, the fuckin match eh? lets no forget that beautiful exhibition.
Doloh kicks it aff wae 3 quick rollup attempts, which gets Del Rio in a right bind. Sunset flip fae Dolph, followed by a dropkick and this cunt is in amongst it meht. At this point he hudnae even sold anything in a braw fashion, such wis his dominance.
Dolph flies at Del Rio in the corner, but Del Rio moves oot the road and Dolph goes shoulder first intae the ring post. His shoulder crumbles intae wee broken bits of empire biscuit and thats that. Game over. NAH I JEST. This braw shit rolled on, and Dolph hit yon facebuster fae the top rope. Followed by this nice wee 3 pronged attack he seems tae be daein a lot wae the big splash in the corner, followed by the jabs tae the dial, and then the neckbreaker. Del Rio counters wae the til-o-whirl backbreaker, before coming aff the top rope only for Dolph tae catch him wae a dropkick on the way doon.
Predictably, Del Rio gets on top towards the end, and kicks that braw low superkick thing which Dolph kicked out of. He then goes for the crossarmbreaker, but Dolph rolls oot and comes back wae the fameasser.
1...2.....NAW Del Rio kicks oot.
Del Rio eventually does get the cross armbreaker in and Dolph unfortunately has to tap.
Didnae really mind Dolph losing clean here, because the match wis easily Top 5 for me this year and ye cannae be daein yer job right if yer a booker and ye ignore Dolphs performance. Get him back in the WH Title picture before the end of the year or receive a strongly worded email fae me. I might include a wee bible analogy n aw sorts. Ye've been sufficiently warned.
Sandow wis on commentary but resisted the opportunity tae cash in his MITB briefcase, probably cause Del Rio won n that.
Oh boy, that wis too much. Thankfully it was followed by something I don't care aboot, so we'll skim over it eh.
Los Matadores vs Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal
Exact same shit as RAW, wae a slightly different finish. Same whole routine but. Nut. I wis quite amused by thier entrance on Monday anaw, somewhat against my will, but nah. Bored of it already. BULLS URNAE TINY MEHT. Los Matadores won. So fuck. The wee bull hit a crossbody at the end.
A wee Heyman promo backstage. He talks about his big beautiful Ryback. They're gonnae get married one day I think and it'll be wonderful. He tells Punk that Ryback will once again leave him on his back, looking up at Paul Heyman. The best in the world.
Aksana vs Brie Bella
I have nae notes for this, other than something aboot a Camel Clutch. I'll no lie tae ye, aw I remember is Aksana lookin braw as anythin. Brie won.
Big E Langston vs Kofi Kingston
Kofi seems like a nice guy eh. A very decent wrassler tae. Just never really had any sort of character ye could get on board wae. Its a shame, but he's a perennial mid carder and nae amount of putting him in matches wae relevant cunts like Bray Wyatt is going to make a different there. That's all this match wae Big E is for really, as a way tae announce that Bray vs Kofi match for Battleground. its a short match, and the only thing I wis really diggin wrasslin wise wis Big E hittin a smashin belly to belly suplex. Kofi won wae trouble in paradise.
Bray of course emerges after it. Kofi looks ready tae Rumble. Bray tells him he should follow the buzzards, as Harper n Rowan lurk in the background. They don't attack him though. So I can only assume they're actually gonnae kill him at Battleground. Wee shame, cause as I says earlier, he's awffa nice.
The Big Show vs The Shield and Randy Orton
Mind when Smackdown wis ending wae Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barret having braw matches? that wis good eh. I will be referring to those days as "the good auld days, where Daniel Bryan wrassled Wade Barrett in the main event of Smackdown a lot" ....aye thats a bit wordy eh, naw I'll shorten it tae jist the plain "Good auld days" the gid times. This wis awrite, but it served nae purpose really. Show spears Reigns shitely, hits a backbody drop on somecunt. Orton does some wrasslin. Show clotheslines the whole lot of them. Amborse brings a chair in and Show punches it intae his coupon. Dunno why that led tae The Sheild n orton being DQ'd but there ye go.Shield hold Show up and Orton hits the RKO, but its aw just the war up act fur DANIEL BRYAN.
Oot he comes after seeing Show getting his heid set up in yon steel chair for Orton tae cave his skull in. Bryan batters him senseless this time, knocking him clean oot wae the flying knee. Praise the fuckin lord n aw that.
If Daniel Bryan disnae win the belt clean on Sunday, and the hold on tae it forever, I will make it my mission tae at least trip Vince McMahon up at Glesga Airport one day, when he flies in for one of his regular shaggin sessions wae Michelle Mone.
Overall, Smackdoon was awrite, but because of the sheer quality of Dolph n Del Rio, imma gie this shit a right gid n nice 8 Zigzags oota 10.
Enjoy Battleground efter if yer watchin it, if yer no, enjoy yer life meht. Lifes fur livin.
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