Of aw HBKs wee appearances since retiring, I've been intae it maybe hauf the time, and that's being a wee bit generous.
HBK is quite simply the single greatest performer in WWE history. The fact that his body allowed him to even have the latter part of his career is remarkable in itself, and the way he bowed out was perfect. Is it just me that sees him noo, in his lumberjack gear n his wee trucker skip hat, n just gets a wee bit sad? He isnae the showstopper anymerr and its just wrang so it is. See when Flair comes oot? He's still stylin n profiling. He'll be daein the same shit when he's in his 90s, but HBK seems tae huv gied up stopping shows. Instead he opens them by having a promo wae Randy Orton n boring the shite oot of everyone. Orton gets a gid bit of heel heat by slagging his hometown crowd, they're thicker than two short planks. A team of utter diddy rides.
That's how RAW opened this week. HBK comin oot and talking a bit about the special guest ref gig. Chattin aimlessly until Orton emerged and dialled it up tae gold standard aimlessness. Typa aimlessness ye could attribute tae yer urine stream after pint number 8 goes doon the hatch. HBK tells us he has always been best pals wae Triple H, he's always hated Orton and he trained Daniel Bryan. Meht yer tellin us stuff we awready know.
He wis in the first Hell In A Cell match in that very building, we ken that anaw. Whit huv ye done fur me lately Shawn?
I jest meht. I joke. HBK is a hero. He can turn up on RAW every week and ramble if he wants ma man. He's earned it.
Randy Orton vs The Miz
Miz attacked Orton after the wee HBK saga. Then baws. A pile of utter baws. Baws and shite. Shitey baws. Naebdy gives a fuck.
The Wyatts theme starts playin. Salvation. The boys appear on the stage, Miz is lit that "this is not awesome" then Orton pinned him
Bray tells Miz he is everything to be loathed about wrestling. He tells Miz he shouldn't have to suffer any longer. Bray will help put him out his misery.
Fandango vs Santino Marella
We still daein this aye? Santino kinda getting pushed but no really. Fandango daein aw the gid wrasslin but getting naeplace. Wis daft comedy pish for the first coupla minutes. Then Santino got his cobra oot n waved it aboot. Summer Rae wis a braw big Barbie doll as usual. Santino hits a chinbreaker. Hiptoss. Cobra nearly slays Summer Rae, but Curtis rolls the boy up and picks up the win. Aye this wis awrite. I'll take two of these n sleep tae next Easter.
Brad Maddox perspires aw err Paul Heyman backstage. Heyman imagines its Ryback and rubs it intae his skin like suntan lotion. Then evdy wis just sick aw err the place. Heyman is callin Punk a cheater. Shite Walrus patter. Blah blah. Beat the clock later. Fuckin beat the block. Beat ma baws. Naebdy ever needs tae see Ryback v R-Truth ever. Punk v Axel anaw, whoever beats the clock gets tae set the stipulation fur Hell In A Cell.
Xavier Woods loves The Big Show apparently. Who cares?
Cena VT. John Cena is the main man. Ye should aw respect him and also want tae be pals wae him. An inspiring man.
Los Matadores vs 3MB...again
Nah I'm sorry. I don't care. Bulls urnae tiny. You urnae Tito Santino. Yer Epico. Yer Primo. JBL demonically telling us tae fear the bull. Listen JBL, I ken yer a gid Sellik man, but naw. I will not fear the bull. Wan thing I dae like about Los MataPrimonEpico is the chops. They're a coupla choppin sunsabitches so they urr. Drew n Heath are a coupla top boises, so I thought this wis kinda no bad. The wee bull n Slater got beef. Bull waves his wullie at Slater. Drew n Heath hit a nice wee Suplex, efter bouncing a Matador aff the tap rope. Matadores dae that fuckin shite double team finisher for the win. The Wee Bull hits a seated senton on Jinder. Ach it wis better than Miz v Orton I suppose, but I still cannae be fucked wae it.
Stephanie lookin braw. Tellin us Triple H is the man. He is not the man. He masturbates in the dark whilst crying. He has the largest nose. He isnae invited tae Ken Shamrocks birthday party. He forbids anycunt tae chant yes. He forbids ye tae be happy on yer birthday. He screams a lot. Stephanie has a cute necklace. Triple H is gonnae make Big Show crumble. Its like Apple Crumble but mare greety. Daniel Bryan comes oot. Sters a Yes! chant. Gets battered stupit aff Alberto Del Rio. Made nae sense unless Cena wis makin the save. Pile of nansense. Del Rio v Bryan later. Might be gid. We'll see eh.
Ryback vs R-Truth
Beat the clock. Beat ma cock. Shite. Ryback wins in 5:44. Everyone had apathetic spasms. Foam at the mooth. Oot the gemm.
Rhodes Brerrs vs Shield for the tag belts later. Yasin ma baws as maracas for that shit.
Tonnes of Funk vs Antonio Ceswagger and Angry Jack
Swagger looked really angry. Cause he's got wee baws probably. I felt infinite sadness for big Albert, but then I minded he's on 300k a year tae be a wrassler and huv a dance and didnae feel so bad. Zeb takes it back tae 96 by cutting a wee promo in the screen at the side, while the match starts on the other yin. Cesaro gets flung aboot. Tensai gets battered aff Jack NaeSwagger. Cesaro applies a perfect chinlock. Swagger bomb, then that braw double team double foot stomp hing. Double clothesline wae Jack n Albert. Cesaro nails a fuckin gutwrech powerbomb on Tensai. Amehzin. Broadus gets neutralizered. Tensai gets swung aboot. Poor Albert man, took some punishment so he did. Real American boises get the win.
We the people.
Tamina Snuka vs Brie Bella
Tamina's a gid wuman. Tamina can go. She hit the superfly splash and I felt warm on the inside. Brie done awrite. I don't hate her, she's the worst at selling moves, but that's awrite. Some people just huvnae got it. AJs hingin aboot twirlin her hair and lookin cheeky. Lovely snap suplex fae Tamina. She knows the score. Tamina won wae a big boot, then efter the bell it wis a Samoan Drop, before hittin a fuckin cracker of a shoulderbreaker, then of course the Superfly Splash.
AJ chokes Brie oot wae the Black Widow. I had a semi. A really dense semi.
Tamina Snuka's a heavy dom.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel
Braw match. Axel is is Jackie Polo if ye pulled aw the spunk oot his baws wae a needle. Great wrassler. Punk chops and forearm smashes him tae buggery. Axel returns the favour. Gid tae watch. Crossbody fae Punk. Axel gets tae dominating. Tries tae dae his dad's elbow drop but missed him cause he's shite. High knee in the corner fae Punk. Punk goes GTS but Axel blocks. Axel had Punk doon wae 45 seconds left, but he decides tae pick him up like a dafty. Punk hits the GTS and wins wae 11 seconds left. Punk announces the stip for Hell In A Cell will be him vs Rywank and Paul Heyman IN THE FUCKIN CELL. Heyman shites his knickers, n Ryback wid later wipe his wee bum.
Daniel Bryan vs Bert Del Rio
Don't gie a fuck whit ye hink, I like Del Rio. Cannae cut a promo tae save his life but he's a gid man. Gid heel and a quality wrassler. This match wis braw. No 5 star braw, but braw aw the same. Bryan kicks him daft in the corner. Knees him tae buggery. Del Rio hits back by kickin him in the back wae super solidness. Chinlock anaw. WWE is gaun chinlock fuckin daft these days. Bryan looks like he's kickin into overdrive by...well kickin Del Rio a lot, but his last wan misses and Del Rio hits the backstabber. Sare + a million. Del Rio is on the up. Kicks n jabs galore. Beatin Bryan like he owes him a favour. Bryan hits back. Corner dropkick misses. We come back fae the break just us a flying heidbutt misses. Tilt o whirl backbreaker fae Del Rio. Double foot stomp tae the back. This is the brawest hing man. I didnae appreciate this ataw when I watched it live, but these boayzies ken whit its aw aboot. Bryan hits a hude clothesline oot the corner. Del Rio hits an armbreaker, before jabbin Dannys wee heid fur him, and then hittin a second rope missile dropkick like some kinda second rope missile dropkicking bastard of a man. Bryan gets back on top. Clothesline. This time he hits the corner dropkick before we get that braw top rope huricanrana. Gets a near fall oota that.
Listen JBL, its a fuckin suicide dive. Daniel Bryan isnae a goat. Wrap that patter. Missile dropkick aff the tap rope gets another near fall before Ortons stupid melt appeared. Then a fuckin nonsense. A belly sickenin nonsense. Tae gie ye it simply, Orton goes in tae the treatment room where Brie Bella's getting treated, and shuts the door while they're screamin. Essentially suggestin that he's gonnae fiddle wae their bits. Bryan kicks Del Rio in the heid and runs backstage, taking the count out in the process. He gets back tae the treatment room but Ortons naewhere tae be seen. He emerges oota naeplace and knocks the shite oota Daniel, before staunin over him and I think daein a wee pee. A wee widdle.
Wee Shield segment backstage. Dean Ambrose owns the room meht. Steph and Paul appear and everyone gets real cosy. Triple H tells them their match wae the Rhodezies is No DQ now. The gloves are aff. Cept the gloves are never aff wae Goldust, and I seen him batter Roddy Piper stupit roon a car park. Nae bother for Goldy.
Cena VT. We see aboot his rehab, and how he's managed tae get back so quick. Its a rough start man. He disnae like no bein able tae move his arm. Cannae even get a sweat on, so watchin Cops is oot the question. He slowly gets better. Gets us tellt that he'll be back stronger than ever. Some man so he is, I hope he takes that shiny belt. Then gies it tae Dolph and goes away his holidays.
The Rhodes Boayz vs The Shield (Tag Title Match - Nae DQ)
The greatest of times. The best of times wae the best of boayzies.
Cody and Seth kick things aff, before Cody gets his brerr in. Goldust gets tae jabbin jaws, snapmerrin and elbow drappin. Back tae Cody, dropkick tae the dial. Snapmare fae him anaw, and a kick tae the chest. Cohesive brerrs here, as Goldy gets back in. Total dominance fae the brerrs. Facebuster fae Cody. Seth Rollins should really be deid at this point. He disnae die though and finally gets Reigns in. If he disnae have a move called the Reigns Supreme he should. I'd name a supper that actually, if I hud a chippy or I kent the owner of wan.
Noo its The Shield being cohesive as fuck. Mind how its no DQ but? why is everyone being aw cohesive? it disnae make sense. Get the baseball bats oot. Cody rolls through a rollup attempt and gets his brerr back in. Then Dustin gies us the classic Goldust spot, mad bulldug oot the corner. Seth blocks a suplex before ickin Goldust square in the belly and sendin him clean oot the ring. Still no descended intae carnage yet but it wis comin. Mare brawness between Goldust n Rollins. Goldy cannae get his brerr in but its nae DQ guys. Seriously. Jist dae it. It'll be cool. Another fuckin chinlock, this time fae Reigns. When will this turgid madness end? Goldust fight oot it cause he's a hero, an example for all aspiring drug addicts. If you can dream it, dae it. Rollins mocks the Goldust chest rubbin and aw the lassies on earth pished thersells. It wis silly but, cause Goldust caught him when he dived aff the ropes and powerslammed him tae buggery. Cody hits the moonsault and all of a sudden yer feelin like it might actually happen. The Rhodes boys might go hame wae the gold. Dropkick aff the top rope, but Rollins breaks up the pin. Aw man, the best wis still tae come anaw.
Codys guan for CrossRhodes but of course Ambrose runs in and now its brawl.
Now its nae DQ. Thank fuck. It had been braw, but brawness that didnae make much sense. Shield look lit they're setting u for a Triple Powerbomb, but instead Goldust batters the three of them wae a chair. Still 3 boayzies on 1 boayzie but so they got back on top, and Reigns looked lit he wis teeing up on Goldust wae the same chair he just battered them wae. Dustin ducks but, and hits a crossbody on Reigns while he's still haudin the chair. Cody and Rollins are batterin each other daft on the outside, before Cody goes for the Disaster Kick aff the steel steps, but NUT. Seth catches him and flings him on tae the barricade. Jeezo. Back in the ring Goldust gets tae flinging everyone oot the ring but even at that, its still 3 boayzies taking on 2, we need hauners here guys!
First whit we need its a wee bitta GORE! but, and we surely get it, as Reigns GORED Goldy through the barrier. Burst his fuckin insides.
A WILD GIANT APPEARS! and its none other The Paul Wight Show. He knocks Ambrose the fuck out, before daein the same tae Rollins. Reigns is lit that "COME AHEAD!" so he knocked him clean oot anaw. Ye don't need employment tae knock muhfuckas oot dae ye.
Cody takes advantage and pins Reigns and The Rhodes Boys are your NEWWWWW WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.
A beautiful moment. My endless apathy for Show wis cured in an instant. I've still no stopped greetin.
I didnae like a lot of this weeks RAW at the time, but on second viewing it wis no bad. ADR vs Bryan wis braw but shiter of a finish. Bored wae HBK/Orton/Miz but Bray saved it. Cesaro pit in a right shift, and the Main Event wis the tidiest of the aw the hings. A mildly underwhelming 6.80 eye rakes oota 10.
Khali likes the gym.
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