Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero open the show. God I hope they don't winch. Please don't. We'd aw droon. Too much wetness.
She screams at cunts. Namely audience cunts. She says she will have order. Whit kinda order? Lamb Bhuna hen aye? Brad Maddox sweats so profusely on the mic that it slips oot his haun and flees right fur JBLs temple. JBL has perished.
They try to leave the ring only for Daniel Bryan to be lie "haud the fuckin bus here!" oot he comes tae the usual rapturous response. He tells them he's thrilled that they're aboot tae keep the whole best of business thing gaun. He says he's gonnae beat Orton. In the cell, wae kicks, knees and Germans. DBry tells them Big Show is in the building, and he's got through their security, so here he is......THE BIG SHOW! Its a ruse though. Daniel Bryans havin them on! whit a cheeky wee midden. Show isnae here yet! but guess who is here? EH RHODES BOAYZIES.
Oot come the lehdz. Hullo troops. Nice tae see yees again. Godust does some weird shit in Vickies face before she screams aboot justice being served and having order. Vickie announces the same main event as the week before last on RAW, Bryan and the Rhodezies vs The Shield. Sound.
Kofi Kingston and The Miz vs Luke Harper and Erick Rowan
Haha ye whit? Odd fuckin match right here meht. Miz kicks the mask aff Rowans face tae start us off. Miz is dominant here which can get tae fuck. Kofi gets in and Rowan gets tae forearming him. Harper gets in and Kofi drap toeholds him on tae the middle rope, before hitting a 619 type thing then a springboard cross body. Kickin it in tae high gear. Harper leathers Kofi in mid air tae take control and in comes mad Rowan again. The both of them then club Kofis chest stupit and make him humble.
Kof hits back wae a snazzy kick, before Kofi pulls the top rope down on Rowan and send him fleein. Rowan uses that chance tae send Miz fleein, before Harper took Kofis heid aff wae a Lariat. Game over. JBL popped incredibly hard anaw. Loves a gid Lariat so he diz.
Braw words fae Bray Wyatt. Everyone should fear him. He is the hammer, Follow the fuckin buzzards ya diddy ride.
Brie Bella vs AJ Lee
Brie is never getting over as a face. They need tae wrap this pish patter. Brie is still wrecked fae when AJ and Tamina battered her on RAW. AJ is undoubtedly gonnae ruin her shit here eh. Surely tae fuck. Brie chases AJ on the outside but Tamina stauns in her path. Gie it up Brie hen. Lets her guard doon but and Brie taps her jaw. AJ gets on top and skips aboot gaun lit that "that's why I'm the champ". Another instance of cheekiness, whit a cheeky Smackdown this is so far. Brie hits a chin breaker and a coupla clotheslines. Actually no bad, she's no the worst at executing moves, she just cannae sell tae fuckin save hersell. Nikki sent Tamina intae the ring steps outside the ring, afore Brie rolls through AJs rollup attempt and hits yon facebuster hing X-Pac used tae use for the win. Brie pins the champ. Aw naw.
ERRA BIG SHOW. JBL calls him a 7 foot trespasser. Excellent patter. JBLs lit that "does nobody have a cellphone in this entire arena? we gotta call the cops" Also fuckin hilarious. Show disnae work there anymore but, so he needs tae get autographed tickets fae Daniel Bryan and that's how he gets in. He wants tae thank the fans. Good lad. Gets aw emotional and greety, because that's what he do. He says his fist is best for business, before Brad Maddox gets the whole arena wringin when he flops his way doon tae the ring. Vickie says suhin. Maddox rolls his soakin Speedos up intae a wee baw and stuffs them in Shows mooth, so Show knocks him the fuck oot. Starts a yes! chant, and heads for home. JBLs lit that "I'm not the police, I'm a commentator you moron" and that's Michael Cole tellt.
CM Punk in the fuckin hoose! In his gear anaw, clobberin time ya slegs!
CM Punk vs Big E Langston
Aw this brawness again? fuck aye. Take two of these, tape them together n make a crucifix. Big E is the fuckin da of wee powerlifting wrasslers in babygrows. This match on RAW wis my favourite RAW opener in years. The troops exchange jabs, before Langston knocks Punk doon wae a shoulder block. Then Langston gets his belly booted, before hitting back wae a splash in the corner. Forearms fae Punk, before he pulls the rope doon and sends Langston fleein. Comes at him wae a crossbody, but Big E caught him and landed him on the apron. Then sends him intae the fuckin barrier wid ye believe! and polished it aff wae a sare lookin Half Crab. Langston then gets a full crab in briefly, before gaun back tae the hauf. Pick a crab fuck sake!
He then hits a braw rib-breaker type hing, before clubbing him daft wae some forearms. Goes for the big splash but Punk gets the knees up. I bet it keeps Punk up at night that Big E exists, but Punk has tae wrestle Ryback at PPVs.
Big E goes fleein intae the ringpost and Punk goes fuckin sperr! suicide dive oot yer tree. No bad man. Back in the ring, crossbody fae Punk. Langston powers out at 2. High knee fae Punk, and a clothesline cause he's fuckin sick ae this shite and wants it over wae. Flying elbow ma man, oooooh yeah. Jist a 2 count again but. Surely that's nearly time up. Punk goes for the GTS, but Big E knocks him him doon and hits the big splash then he tells us its time for the Big Ending. Punk slithers oot and hits him wae a roundhouse before nailing that GTS for the win. Whit a fuckin match but serr. these boys ken whit its aw aboot.
Erra Heyman! Talking shite aboot Big E. He calls Ryback HIS caged animal...HIS Ryback...the king of HIS heart. Pauls lit that WHO DA MAN? PAULS THE MAN!
Punk calls him a complete idiot. He cannae run or hide and that's that. Punk says hes gonnae put them through hell, so Heyman marches doon wae Axel and Ryback tae leather Punk. Looks like a 2 on 1 assault, but NAW Big E is in tae gie Punk hauners. Best face turn since Dolph. Oh so very braw. Big E shouts at Heyman fur aw his rookie patter earlier. Whit a braw match/segment. I'm daft on this gid shit.
From the divine to the ri-dickhead-ulous. Hullo Bertie!
Bert Del Rio oot tae be interviewed about his match wae Cena and we get that Cena VT about this bein his dream. Seen it aboot 8 times noo, gies peace.
Del Rio calls himself, and I quote "Mexicos Gods Gift to humanity" because making sense is fur suckers. Don't make sense, make dollars.
The crowd are flavourless Gringos. They have no Mexican soul and passion. Naebdy gives a fuck meht. Never cut promos please. He says Cena is the top gringo. Apart fae Bray Wyatt yer prolly right mate. He asks if Cena has lost the plot. Naebdy cares aboot this promo cause its fuckin terrible and I hate it merr than I hated Kenny Miller scoring twice against Celtic and Parkhead. I hated it merr than Randy Orton cashing in MITB on Daniel Bryan. I hate it mare than Matt Hardy. Shite. He shows Cena whit he can expect tae happen tae his arm when he puts Josh Matthews in the cross armbreaker. Deid airm. Deid erse. Chinlock. Death.
Usos vs Real Americans
Mad seated full nelson slam fae an Uso on Cesaro! right braw. Cesaro boots the other Uso in the melt afore getting Swagger in. Where's yer Swagger Mr Swagger? ye still smoking the green so ye've got enogh courage tae sit in front of a mirror in the scud and shout at yer wee hauf incher tae grow? Cesaro does the swings on an Uso. That wis fun times. He does it at least 50 times. Looks lit he could just dae it forever on this cunt. Zebs on commentary and says he hinks Cesaro is the strongest man in the world, and he's fuckin spot on meht. He then rants aboot Los Matadores tae and that gied me a wee semi cause I cannae go the cunts.
Hahahahahahaha! Zeb asks whit kind of people kidnap a person and put a bull costume on him, and i fuckin lost my shit. Beautiful patter. Cesaro n Swagz are dominating before the fandans emerge.
Los Matafandans.
The wee bull runs heid first intae Zebs front, and back. That wis it, that wis aw they appeared for. An Uso hits a superkick then a top rope splash on Swagger for the win.
Naw wait. They don yon triple team move on Swagger where the wee bull hits a Seated Senton. Bleugh.
Daniel Bryan and The Rhodezies vs The Shield
Whit a dugs dinner Randall made of this. Bryan comes oot tae a great pop, before Orton fuckin wrecks it wae a rambling set of fuckin nonsense about how Daniel Bryan cannae beat him and hes gonnae be the face of the company again, and then he just leaves. Never even got tae know ye Randy meht.
Oot come the Rhodes boayz. Nice belts guys. Ye wear them well.
Love The Shield, but it wis some giggle seein Rollins n Reigns lookin aw surly cause they'd nae belts. Its awrite troops, ye'll huv the midcard belts soon enough. Bring back the fuckin TV Title and put it on Reigns. Gie the IC Belt tae Rollins. Gie Ambrose the keys.
Regins n Goldust in there together. These two huv braw chemistry and Reigns displays it by heidbuttin the poor lad. Heidered right on the fuckin heid. Aw The Shield lads gie Goldy a few dunts. Goldy gets a tag aff Cody, and yer man hits that braw springboard missile dropkick, cause he's the fuckin daddy of braw springboard missile dropkicks. Cody gets tae thumpin aw the Shield lads, before he gets his shoulder battered aff the ringpost. We come back fae the break to Ambrose runnin Codys wee heid alang the tap rope. Rollins gets in and stauns n Codys hand. Outta order Seth ma man!
Reigns gets tagged in smoothly and hits a big splash cause he's just a big berr of a man that likes splashin cunts. Reigns gets him in a year long chinlock efter Rollins sulexed him fae the apron intae the ring. Cody hits back and gets the tag and now its finally DANIEL BRYAN TIME! Daniel does his usual stuff, wae the high speed dropkicks and top rope hurricanrana action. Reigns and Rollins break the 3 count there, before Goldust clears them oot, and then Ambrose clears him oot and its back tae Ambrose n Bryan. They double clothesline each other afore Reigns goes for a spear on Goldust and hits nuhin but steel steps. Bryan is bootin Ambrose stupid in the ring, afore they exchange knees and DBry hits a suplex. Goes for the flying heidbutt only fur Ambrose tae block it and hit a braw suplex fae the tap rop. Mad reverse full Nelson hing. Then Rollins looks lit hes gonnae sunset flip Cody aff the apron but instead he fuckin LAUNCHES Cody at his big brerr. Amazin spot. Bryan gets the YES! lock in, but Rollins gies Ambrose hauners, so Danny sends him and Reigns flying, hits a suicide dive, then hits the flying knee on Ambrose back in the ring tae pick up the win and I'M SO HAPPY, THAT FINISH WIS TOO GOOD.
Smackdown saved my tortured soul. 8.87 Michinoku Drivers oota 10.
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