With that being said, I'd like tae draw yer attention tae a couple of things. Firstly, this is my 100th blog post. Not too bad for about 4 months work. Secondly, and most important, RAW opened with a Big Show promo for the first time since he accidentally wandered out to the ring as RAW was just going on air about 5 years ago. Although him wandering aboot in circles gaun "this isn't the bathroom" is hardly a promo is it? Waken up Show, fuck sake man.
Stephanie McMahon brings oot Show, after apologising tae everyone for his actions last night. According tae her, Daniel Bryan is LIVID meht. Randy Orton is so livid, he could only bring himself tae hauf will the bath wae baby oil afore gettin in. Triple H is so livid he smoked two cigars in the shower that morning insteada his usual wan. Oot comes Show. He emerges to nae reaction at all really. Everyone still deeply traumatised by his role in that shanner of a finish tae Battleground. Stephanie reminds him of the hunner million times Triple H and her have bailed his big greetin coupon oot of bother, and demands that he begs for forgiveness. Shows lit aht "you chase yersell ya midden" then she gets really angry. Lit yer Aunty when ye break one of her ornaments cause ye were runnin through the hoose wae reckless abandon typa angry. She scrunches her face up tae her usual bulldog chewin a wasp stance, before proceeding tae call Show worthless wae unbridled passion, and then slapping him HARD at least 10 times. Asking Show "what you gonna do about it!?" Show does nothing except nurse a fuckin monster erection man. The look on his face wis one of pure desire after that. He wanted tae ride her daft so he did. Nae wunner btw, it wis as gid as Steph has looked aw year. Unfortunately aw he gets tae ride is the bus up that road cause Steph informs him he's FIRED. Ta ta Paul.
Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow
I'll tell ye a wee secret right. Until maybe 6 months ago I didnae know whit all the fuss was about with regards tae Damien Sandow. All I seen was a decent wrestler, kinda copying The Genius from the 90s. I still have my doubts about his ability to be a main eventer, but he has undobtedly won me over in the past 6 months. In ring work isn't hugely diverse, but what he does do, he does extremely well and character wise he has developed perfectly. I mean the cunt has won mibbe 2 matches since MITB, but whenever he's on commentary, he makes it seem like he's been beatin everyone on the planet, everyones granny and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Him and Dolph work essentially the same match as the one the night before, but actually a wee bit better. This would be a smashin feud for the WH Belt so it wid. On this occasion its yer boy Sandow who dominates for the most part. any attempt by Dolph tae rally is nipped in the bud wae some kind of dastardly maneuver fae Damo, most notably sending him baws first ontae the ropes when he went up on top. Dolph gets his favourite spot in there though, course he does. Yon big splash in the corner, followed by the jabs to the melt in the corner, and then a wee swinging neckbreaker for yer troubles.
I wis really intae the finish here anaw, Dolph ducks under a knee aimed at his gut, before gaun for a rollup, but it wis a dummy rollup and instead yer man rolls right through, stauns up n hits the fameasser for the win. Perfect tribute tae his selling forefather, The Bad Ass Billy Gunn.
Wonder how Dolph wid sell the clothesline fae hell eh? If anyone could somehow sell it better than Billy Gunn, its prolly him. Wid need tae be at Mania though, cause any arena wae a roof is gonnae have a Ziggler shaped hole in it by the time we're finished.
Naebdy sells a move like Ziggler ;)
Bruno Sammartino came oot during the break and waved. He looks well for being 130 year auld. Never really been a favourite of mine, but aw the respect in the world tae the man n that.
Brad Maddox gettin his baws toed aff Steph for letting things get outta hand when he wis in charge at Battleground. Maddox gets so feart he climbs intae a cupboard reserved fur auld mop buckets and Papa Shangos vodoo dolls, but he sweats so profusely the cupboard evaporates and Steph breathes pure hellfire right on his daft lookin coupon. Brad Maddox is no more. His sweaty remains will be placed in wan of they big containers ye get for drinking water at yer work, and that container will be rolled aff the edge of a cliff. Its how he wid have wanted it.
Natalya and two shiters vs Aksana, Alicia Foxx and Rosa Mendes
Awful. Natalya and Alicia Foxx must have been cringing like fuck trying tae figure oot whit the rest of these haufwits were daein. Yon Eva Marie actually fuckin nailed a side headlock takedown tae start wae, n I wis thinkin "here mibbe she's actually fuckin gid!" then fuckin everything that followed fae her wis a trainwreck. Kelly Kelly wis sittin in the hoose watchin this thinkin "I'm fuckin Madusa compared tae these haufwits" Thankfully the finish made sense as the ony two lassies who can actually wrassle were involved. Nattie making Alicia tap to that fucking incredible Sharpshooter.
Nattie hen ye've just nae right being so perfect neer ye huvnae. It keeps me up at night.
Mind that guy i said wis deid a coupla minutes ago? aye well, rumours of his demise were premature. He's oot talkin tae the crowd, but the mic keeps sliding oot his haun cause the cunt is literally melting as we watch him. He's tellin us the WWE Title match will have a special guest ref that will be chosen by YOU, and he brings oot the first option for the job. None other than the SIX TIME, SIX TIME, SIX TIME, SIX TIME, SIX TIME SIX........sorry I drifted aff there. Booker T won the World Heavyweight Title 6 times but. Incase you didnt know. Yo ass has nae need tae call somebody cause I just tellt ye meht.
Los Matadores vs Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre
Rumours were rife that tonight wis the night for Drew to break away fae 3MB, but I'll delay the suspense no longer. it didnae fuckin happen so this whole segment can take itself, fold itself intae a perfect square, and post itsell straight on tae the huge pile of fan mail the Screech fae Saved By the Bell is too busy shovin Ketamine up his beek tae open. Sarreh but this Los Matadores thing just isnae for me. Even the entrance stopped being funny the second time I seen it, and incase ye'd mibbe forgot, its fuckin Primo n Epico. A talented but already established tag team. I think my main problem wae it aside fae that is that its no funny cause its fnny, its funny cause its deliberately stupid. Much like the finish here, as Epico n Primo hit a double team slam hing tae pin Drew.
Heath comes in efterwards and kicks up a right fuss only for the wee Bull tae batter him, so here's whit happened essentially. Drew didnae end his affiliation wae this jabber stable, he also go pinned, and Heath Slater got a doing aff a tiny bull. Bulls urnae tiny meht. Even baby wans are still sturdy bastards. Nansense.
CM Punk and R-Truth vs Ryback and Curtis Axel
Ryback is fuckin wae my brain lately so he is. The magical things Heyman is daein tae make the cunt relevant, wae his lingering lustful stares and declarations of love, are constantly being ruined by Rybacks fuckin dire attempts at wrasslin. CM Punks rampant disdain for this cunt is palpable, and correctly so. When Punk disnae respect his opponent, the match is never that gid tbh, and for the second night in a row I wis watching a CM Punk match I barely gied more than a passing shit about. We did get some words fae Heyman and Punk before it though, Heyman gien it the best in the world patter again, before Punk basically laughed through Ryback gien it that shite "bully" patter. Before mocking it without even saying a fuckin word. Instead he brings oot the singing dancing spinning heel kick R-Truth and we hud us a tag match playa. I thought the match wis borderline garbage tbh, only saved by some brief moments of Ounk vs Axel action. Much as I cannae go Axel and his dire promo cutting widden-ness, he can wrestle. He wis wrestlin wae a broken jaw efter this right enough as Punk knocks him spark out wae the GTS for the win.
The second candidate to be special guest ref at Hell in a Cell is revealed tae be the bold Bob Backlund. Backlund shouts at everyone for a while before showing us the boot of his motor, filled wae partially completed sudoku puzzle books n deid bodies. Bob Backlund is no longer what ye would call 'sane', which is EXACTLY why he should be the cunt tae ref that match.
Kofi Kingston vs Randy Orton
Ach this wis pretty good so it wis. Orton flings Kofi aboot lit a javellin stick early on, and at one point he actually lands directly in Jerry Lawlers eye socket, penetrating his brain and turning his patter switch back on for the first time since 1999. Kofi does a lot of jumpin aboot as usual. Thats no me belittling his work btw, thats just how I see it. He's a high flying, fun, irrelevance.
Orton does yon Carmel DDT aff the barrier on the ootside. of course he does. Its a brutal spot, so he does it in every fuckin match. Drags him back in and hits the RKO for the win. Happy days for auld oily chest eh? Well no quite. Cause...
A WILD DANIEL BRYAN APPROACHES THE RING! and knocks the shite clean oota Randall. Refs, backstage cunts and Adam Bomb try n drag him aff, but he's no for stoppin, Orton gets such a doing, he puts a stamp on his foreheid sayin "best before 08/10/2013" cause he'll never be the same cunt again.
I love HBK but I'm gonnae skim over this a wee bit cause it wis really jist a plug for the app. The whole thing. HBK is revealed tae be the third and final choice for special guest ref at Hell In a Cell, but we aw know its gonnae be him. He assures he'll be impartial cause he trained Daniel Bryan and he's super best buds wae Triple H. Aye sound HBK meht, lovely tae see ye, glad ye got rid of that beard meht, didnae suit ye ataw.
Alby Del Reeeeeo vs Ricardo Rodriguez
Aye so, Vickie reveals RR tae be Del Rios opponent and he's gien it aw that "yasss....get yersell doon here pube beard tae I knock yer stupid cunt in" she also sticks around tae reveal that Del Rios next opponent for the WH Title at Hell In a Cell will be none other than JAN SEEEEEEEE-NAH. Hopefully they're no rushing him back here, but I'll no lie, its gonnae be fuckin beautiful tae see the big barra again. I've fair missed him and his smiley coupon so I huv. Del Rio is so upset by the announcement, he allows himself tae be pinned by his ex sidekick, and he's so upset by that, that he decides tae break the poor cunts airm for his troubles. Rodriguez airm must be made oots needles n thread at this point right enough, Del Rio seems tae huv broke it about a million times. RRs maw gets on the snapchat tae Del Rio later than evening and gies him a right disappointed face so she does, he needs tae stop bullying her boay.
Fandango vs Zack Ryder
Eh....whit? Nice tae see ye Fandango ma man, and Summer Rae wis lookin mighty fine. She has jist the maist wondrous legs so she does. She looks like she could dae stuff...like, stuff where she's upside doon. Pointless match but eh. I didnae understand it, but nice tae see Fandango get the win wae that braw top rope leg drop. Get the IC belt on him and get him in a feud wae somedy I care aboot. A Seth Rollins mibbe. That wid be entertaining. Aye Curtis vs Rollins, nae face required, jist braw selling and braw matches. Braw.
Antonio Cesaro vs Santino Marella and The Great Khali
This wisnae technically a handicap match, but fuck Swagger. Cesaro does the spins again on Khali, this time 10 spins on the dot. I love the spot, but its reducing Cesaro tae a sideshow, Allow him tae dae braw wrasslin again please. Khali is pinned efter the spins again, cause apparently being dizzy is aw it takes tae pin a former World Champion. Aye ok then meht. Cesaro does the swings on Hornswoggle a bit, before Khali n Santino clear the Real Americans oot. Baws.
Stephanie McMahon n Maddox again, Baith in the buff. Whole room is fuckin drenched. Yees jist oot a tandem shower or whit? Steph still lookin might fuckin fine man. Rolling back the years the night Steph hen.
Whit a smashin wee dick tease this wis. It looks like a Miz TV segment, only for him tae be interrupted a couple of minutes in tae his stupit babble by darkness. The darkness is illuminated by none other than Bray Wyatt and his equally bearded brothers Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. Bray is waitin on the aisle, while Harper n Rowan appear behind Miz, so he's naewhere tae go essentially. Is it finally gonnae happen? will we finally see the demise of the biggest waste of spunk since Mr Perfect wiped his bell end on a lampost 20 odd year ago and somehow created Curtis Axel? well naw, no quite. He manages tae somehow slither awa fae the baoyz and Bray hauds Harper and Rowan back fae gaun after the cunt. His day will come. He will follow.
The Shield vs Goldust, Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan
Och I wis really fuckin excited about this when it was announced earlier, but tae tell ye the truth it didnae live up. How could anything live up tae that Shield vs Rhodes match last night? Everyone comes out of it looking gid right enough, so nae complaints, just wisnae the classic I thought it might be. Lovely cohesion between the Rhodes brerrs again though. If yer no gonnae put the tag belts on The Usos next, ye could dae worse than gien the baoyzies a run wae them.
We get a crackin wee exchange between Ambrose and Cody in the middle, and Ambrose gets right intae that mind games caper. Calling on Cody tae show us whit he's made of. Cody is desperate for a tag, but Ambrose thwarts his attempts tae get one, then knocks Goldust aff the apron for his troubles. How did ye no knock Bryan aff anaw ya silly? ye'll regret that. He did anaw, as Cody hits a back body drop and finally gets Bryan in there, and here came the boay. Ambrose tags Rollins in anaw, so we ken fine well business has picked up. These boys gie ye nuhin but magic in that ring together. HBK vs Jericho kinda magic. Some of the best wrasslin, best sellin, best all round gid shit ye could possibly imagine. Bryan dropkicks reigns aff the apron first, cause ye cannae huv that spear comin at ye oota naewhere.
He then gets right on wae the usual stuff. Coupla jabs tae the jaw, yon German suplex where the recipient lands on his skull, and of course dropkick. Huricanrana for good measure Bryan ma man? aff the tap rope? why no Danny meht.
Bryan goes for the pin, but that dastardly big unit Roman Reigns breaks the pin. Goldust isnae huvin any of it though, and gets in there tae leather Reigns. Ambrose n Cody get in the thick of it tae, and all of a sudden its a melee. Amrobrse brings a chair intae the fray and gets snibbed for that so the ref calls for bell. DQ it is. Another shanner of a finihs. OR IS IT? Triple H is sittin at ringside and lets us aw know its no going down like that again. Re-starts the match as a no DQ, and then the ruse is revealed. Orton jumps oot the crowd seemingly undetected, (must have fired Heartos invisibility zipper on) and hits an RKO on DBry. Rolls bryan back intae the ring and Rollins covers him for the win. I wisnae sure about the finish at the time, but after seeing it again, I'm gonnae say I liked it. The Shield always have made use of underhand tactics tae get wins so I don't think it makes them look particularly weak tae be reliant upon Ortons hauners.
Show wisnae over yet, and that's like a double joke so it is, cause the Show wisnae over and neither wis the fuckin Big Show. Oot comes the recently fired big greetin mess. The Sheild jump on Show, and looks tae have got the better of the big bairn, but he fights them aff and all of a sudden he's face tae face with the nose. Him n Trips, brief staredown followed by the KNOCKOUT PUNCH. Show cleans him right oot.Why the fuck no big man eh? yer P45 will be lying ootside yer recently re-possessed hoose in the morning, might aswell go daft eh.
Bryan emerges fae his stupor, realised the fate that has befallen Triple H and has a right gid giggle tae himself. Quite right tae ma man. He's been nothin but a nuiscance tae ye and now he's got his comeuppance. Cannae beat it. Justice served.
Overall I'd call it a fairly decent RAW. No as good as the previous 2 weeks, but enough nutrients tae keep hunger locked up till at least supper time. Highlights included..Dolph n Sandow being braw, 6 man tag main event being gid tae, Steph n Shows promo magic, nice tae see Cesaro but he's more than just spins, and yet more great work fae Bray Wyatt. Letdowns were CM Punk being involved in mare midcard fodder, that awful wrasslin display fae Rosa Mednes n Eva Marie, and the fact that The Miz escaped wae his life, but we gie it a right solid 7 suicide dives oota 10.
Thanks for reading my 100th blog post eh troops. As a thank you I'd like tae show ye the first every drawing I done months ago, a fuckin horrible melted lookin Gangrel. Cheers for aw the support n that. Yer kind words mean a fair amount tae me so they dae, even the not so kind words are gid tae. Its aw about evoking responses fae people eh. Thats when ye ken its working.
Remember. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
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