It wis confused taxi drivers when ye tellt them ye were ABC bound, and they asked whit fur.
"Wrestlin mate"
"WRESTLIN?"
No just any auld wrestlin, this wis wrestlins Da. This wis wrestlins Granda. This wis the High Priest of all other wrestlins. This wis Fear and Loathing 6.
The show begins as it always does wae the bold Billy Kirkwood and Dr Sean David easing us intae proceedings. Billy tends tae ease us in wae jokes about various people getting pumped. We were also tellt the after party is at a some guys house cause he looks like Bray Wyatt. Everyone is given orders tae pump him anaw. A wee tip for future shows, don't look like Bray Wyatt or 1000 wrestling fans will come tae yer hoose and shag ye. The standard has been set.
I feel like I've said "wrestlin" a lot here without actually fuckin mentioning any, so we'll get on wae reviewing the show eh? Gid.
Mark Coffey vs Solar (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
I loved this for a few reasons. For one, in terms of yer opening match tae a huge show, its exactly whit ye need. An entertaining contest between two of the best young talents in the country. Polar opposites in terms of the way they work anaw, and the wee preview I seen of them in the ring together at SWA fair whetted the appetite for this. It wis worked different from Solars previous matches in ICW, and I liked that anaw. In the Wolfgang match Solar wis made tae look as strong as possible against the biggest man in the company, so it made it even more significant that Mark Coffey was so dominant here. Don't get me wrong, Solar had his moments meht. In particular a flurry of chest kicks, and we also saw a wee bitta 619 action, but it wis a match that ye never felt Coffey was in danger of losing. A wee armdrag war between them anaw. I'll tell ye nae lies, I'm Coffeys daft, so tae see them pushed so strongly as singles in ICW is braw. Mark flings Solar aboot lit wet washin on the outside, and Solar gives it the X signal, meaning that wis lights oot. Game over. Coffey seems content wae the forfeit initially but then decides tae drive the point home, and in this metaphor the "point" is the toe end of his boot, and the "home" is Solars chin....he booted fuck oot him basically. Locked in a Boston Crab anaw. He seems tae let Solar away wae a mild kicking, only to demand that Solar gets back in the ring and takes his 3 count like a man. Uses the same pumphandle slam that pinned Mikey Whiplash and demands that Eddie Sideburns counted the 3. He duly obliged, and only then wis Mark Coffey content tae gie us aw the middle finger and get up the road.
Viper and Bete Noire vs Carmel and Sara
Turns oot Sara wisnae there. Ye see I thought it wis a wee bit odd that Kaylee wisnae on the card, so I thought she'd get involved here somehow. Never in a million years did I see Carmel getting on the mic, cutting a braw promo about how Sara wis too busy at a photoshoot tae bother her arse appearing, but don't fret, she found hersell a replacement and that wis none other than Kaylee hersell. Oot she comes, looking correctly wary of this wee alliance. In case it had escaped yer attention, these two burds do not get along. I saw one of them DDT the other off a bar, on tae the cold hard concrete meht. Usually that gies ye a fairly strong idea of how one person feels about the other.
They grudgingly put their differences aside and get tae work, and within about 30 seconds we've already seen mare proper wrestling than we've seen out of any WWE Divas match in the past year that didnae involve Natalya. Viper and Bete Noire start off dominating, getting the cohesive tag team action on the go, benefiting from the fact that they don't despise each other. Kaylee rallies though, and hits a snapmare before kicking Viper so hard in the back ye could feel the discs in her spine aw swappin places. Carmel tags herself in, which is yer classic wee spot between team mates who fuckin hate each other. The contempt tag. Then we got a fuckin hilarious wee spot, where Bete tries to clothesline both Carmel and Kaylee, but both evaded it wae some matrix style bullet dodging. They're eventually taken down wae a double dropkick right enough. Carmel hits the trademark middle rope DDT. Ye might have seen a certain Randy Orton imitate it a few times. Before business well and truly picked up for the finish. Wae the ref distracted/down/deid or somethin, Carmel urges Kaylee to use the belt on Bete Noire. Kaylee isnae intae these underhand tactics though, and tells her tae bolt, they huv a wee shoving match, before Kaylee decides enough is enough. If Carmel wants tae see the belt come intae play, how about it comes intae play when Kaylee imbeds it in her forehead? NOT SO FAST THOUGH Carmel ducks and Kaylee actually fuckin scudded Bete with the belt. This is not a drill. The poor lassie got fuckin smacked. The front two rows were wiping bits of her brain matter aff their faces after it.
Carmel capitalised on Kaylees mistake and got the pin.
I'm no 100 percent sure here, but I think it might be the first time I've actually seen Carmel win since I started going to these shows, so I popped fur it. If yer no enjoying the work of Carmel right now, ye don't watch wrestling correctly. Rectify that. Aw the lassies really. I feel a wee bit sad for folk who think the mainstream female wrestling in America is all there is to it. So many talented burds over here. Japan is teemin wae them anaw.
Viper got launched intae the crowd anaw btw, I fuckin forgot clean aw aboot that. It wis fuckin unreal. Whit a lassie.
Its ees-sell! Grados beautiful big coupon appears on the screens dotted roon the venue. The video didnae work right unfortunately, but the words were still there. He's on aboot how Chris Renfrew hittin him wae a motor wisnae a big deal. He gets hit by motors aw the time. He did suffer fae a concussion however, and upon checking himsell oot the hospital, he demanded tae be taken tae FEAR AND LOATHING. Still groggy, he wakes up hours later and the boy only went n found himself in Las Vegas! Decides tae make the best of it but, in a way only Grado could. Cuts about talkin tae some locals about the ICW. Some of whom has some disparaging remarks about certain ICW personnel! The cheeky middens. Och aye, and at the end of the video, he only goes n asks Bill Goldberg (they're close personal friends btw) who's next. Goldberg says "Its yersel" I popped so hard my erse literally collapsed. I'd tae retrieve it wae a brush n shovel meht. Nae kiddin.
Noam Dar vs Andy Wild
Welcome back Noam ma man. What a fuckin pop he got and correctly so. Debuted an absolute belter of a jaiskit anaw. Top 5 wrasslin jaiskit of all time I'd say. Then we had a wrasslin match.
Chemistry meht. Nae substitute for it is there. I enjoyed every match on the card in a different way, but not one of them had the in-ring chemistry that these boayzies have. Coffey vs Dynamite was braw in its own way, but if ye like yer action at a faster pace, this match wis for you. I enjoyed both equally I'd say, but this yin just edges MOTN for me. Not a word needed spoken between the two, they just knew whit was coming every time. Wild goes for the Tiger Bomb early but Noam blocks it. Uppercuts to the jaw from Noam followed, before he got Wild on the outside and went for a suicide dive, only for Wild to block it. We widnae have long to wait for a completed suicide dive right enough, as Noam puts that gammy shooder to the truest of tests by hurtling himself through the middle rope at full speed. It seemed tae hold up fine, so naturally what followed was about a million near falls. Nothing better tae test a shoulder than having tae raise it a hunner times eh? Noam started the wee near fall flurry with a sunset flip, before we pretty much saw every variation of pin attempt on planet earth. I think the only wan we were missing wis the old pittin yer foot on the other guys chest, but these two are too classy for that nonsense. Noam hits a fishermans suplex, before Andy Wild scudded him so hard wae his knee his chin flew intae the merch stand and wis flogged for £14. Wild hits the double foot stomp off the top rope to seal the win but it was riddled wae controversy. It looked, smelled and sounded like a two count and even Andy Wild didnae seem to know if he'd won or not. Noam gets on the mic n cries the ref a homer, or "The Indian Earl Hebner" to be precise. Before telling us aw how much he loves us and ICW. We love ye tae Noam mate. Keep on daein the braw wrasslin
Andy Wild hit a GTS btw, I have nae recollection of this which is fuckin bothersome tae me so it is.
The boy Joe Hendry who knocked Jackie Polo oot the SWA Battlezone appears on the screens, badgerin Dallas tae gie him a chance. Dallas listens to his speil, and tells him tae email him, or mibbe write him a wee poem, and gie yer man his due, he is persistent but eventually he gets the door slammed in his face. Nae luck Joe san.
David The Beloved Saves Leah Owens
Hahaha did he fuck. Leah leads him on a wee bit, and comes oot wae a fuckin jacket on! Poor lassie wis roastin but, and told him tae chase himself before letting the chebs hang loose. David isnae very happy with this turn of events and hits the Razors Edge on the poor lassie, before Kasey Owens makes the save. We were informed it was no bra day earlier in this wee segment by Leah, but unfortunately aw the bras stayed on, cept one belonging tae a lassie in the crowd. Fun wee segment but.
Rhyno vs James Scott vs Jimmy Havoc
Slobberknocker ma man. That's whit the term was invented for. This was a slobbery a knocker as ye'll ever see. Rhyno got on the mic beforehand and declared ICW as the future. Before proceeding wae the belly to belly suplexes, and general brutality. James Scott hits a full nelson suplex aff the top rope on Havoc early on anaw, I popped so hard for that, aw the buttons popped aff ma jeans. Rhyno then suplexed someone on tae the ramp. Another belly to belly fae Rhyno, before we get out first Gore attempt on James Scott, but Havoc spoiled the perty n broke it up. Mare suplex goodness fae Scott, before the boys get intae a right pickle with everyone seemingly locked intae a 3 way chinlock. Rhyno is on the bottom of the pile so naturally he stauns up and drops them both fae a great height. Then it happened. Then we aw fainted. Scott looks like he's going for another full nelson suplex through the table which had been set up in the corner earlier, only for Jimmy tae block it and then GORE GORE GORE double fuckin gore, through the table. Goes for the cover on Havoc, surely that's that but naw! Jimmy lives! and he lived long enough to hit a double foot stomp aff the top rope to seal the win shortly after.
If you urnae the type of person that will tell yer grandweans about the time ye seen Rhyno GORE the two Jimmys through a table, yer no my kinda people I'm afraid. Please sort yersell oot. Its important that ye dae.
The NAK vs Wolfgang and Pals
Life is a mysteryyyyyyyyyyyyy....everyone must stand alone, I hear you call my....ach ye know how it goes by now. And here wis the boy. ITS FUCKIN GRADO!!!!! The whole ABC goes fuckin wild for his theme. Monster pop so it is. Rightly so tae, he's a lovely and smashin and nice man and aw fuck. We've been duped. Oot came The NAK in one of the maist perfect heel entrances I've ever seen in my life. It had it all. Gied the fans that beautiful moment of hearing the entrance music and thinking Grado wis in the house, before the dastardly heels emerged tae pull the rug oot fae under ye. Genius. Then Wolfy emerges and his partner is revealed tae be none other than the fan in the Micheal Jackson jaikit wae aw the zippers, LIONHEART. He gets a monster pop anaw. This match was originally unsanctioned but Dallas emerges tae sanction the living shite oot it, and turn it intae a 6 man by revealing their partner tae be none other than Maryhills finest RED LIGHTNING. I'm really sorry for pittin hunners of things in caps here, but I was excited, and you shoulda been tae. I'm Red Lightning daft so I uhm, huv been since the first show I went tae, and tae see him kinda turn face and re-join his auld pals was braw. Here's the problem wae Red Lightning turning face but, Red Lightning is a fuckin heel. A born heel. The most natural heel in Scottish Wrestling. I've seen grown men square uptae Red Lightning such is the conviction in his work. When the wrasslin gets going we see aw the classics. BT Gunn Superkicking cunts, Lionheart Frogsplashin n Rock Bottomin cunts, Wolfy Gutcheckin n Swantonnin, Renfrew batterin cunts, Red Lightning Michonuku Driverin ye straight tae A n E, and Dickie Divers.....divin aboot. We also had everyone who was capable of it, diving up on the top rope n landing on everyone else. Then Red Lightning went up top, promptly gied every cunt the finger, before climbing back doon. Forever a fuckin heel. Lionheart was launched ontae the NAK by Wolfy. Divers was launched intae the crowd by Wolfy. A lotta launchin on the go. The finish was a right stramash. Aw the boayzies getting intae each others faces. Red Lightning accidentally strikes one of his partners wae one of the belts, and that allows Renfrew n Divers tae hit yon double team move where Renfrew hauds the guy, and somedy else does the top tope double stomp. That somedy else was Divers and he also got the pin. Good on ye Dickie boy. The NAK exit swiftly and then Lionheart and Wolfgang waved their fingers at Red a lot. Shouted at him tae. Leave uhm alane man, he made a wee mistake.
Cannae mind exactly when this wis, but yer man Dallas emerges wae the enforcer Chris Conscience and he's out tae tell us who the next big imports are. First announcement is THE BRIAN KENDRICK. That's no it though, Conscience gets Dallas tellt. "Gie them the whole story" he then proceeds tae tell us he'll be accompanied by his auld pal PAUL LONDON and at this point my pal just aboot hud a fit wae excitement. Paul Londons no had a pop lit that since he crawled oot his maws fanny. But that's no it. Chris pipes up once more "tell them the whole fuckin story!" and Dallas then makes a reference tae Still Shmokin being a fitting show for this man tae be on, cause its none other than the chief toker himself SABUUUUU. Sabu's comin tae fuckin Glesga meht. Baton down the hatches.
Joe Coffey vs Robbie Dynamite
I'm not worthy of describing the first 6-7 minutes of this. I'm really no, just a supreme display of catch wrestling fae these two. Two nights in a row I've had the pleasure of watchin Joe Coffey at his best. No bad mate. I'd recommend it tae a pal. The boys have a wee suplex battle, and for once Joe Coffey actually lost, as yer boy Dynamite got him up for the suplex. A peach it wis anaw. Coffey then has tae endure a half crab, before kicking it intae high gear. Love the wee combination hes using tae finish noo anaw. Uppercut ye intae the corner, big splash, Gutwrench Suplex, then lariat ye clean oot yer boots. High octane sareness. It gets the job done tae. Absolute belter of a match, cannae wait tae see them dae it again. I might save up tae run a show that's just three hours of them wrasslin. Much is it tae book the Hydro?
Met Joe Coffey briefly later on anaw, dinnae tell anyone, but he's actually sound as fuck. We discussed his erse shake at SWA. It wis a...moment.
A wee Team CK video package. I'll no lie, I couldnae fuckin hear a word of it, but it had James R Kennedy and the boays so I assume it wis amusing in some way. Seen it later and its a hilarious wee promo about aw the hi-jinks Team CK got uptae at the ABC since they weren't on the card. These included sittin on Wolfgangs bike, and shitein thersells when Rhyno spotted them hingin aboot in the background while he wis pumpin some iron.
The Bucky Boys vs The Sumerian Death Squad vs Fight Club
Fight Club are heels noo guys, incase ye hudnae worked that oot. Got red on their gear and they gie folk the middle finger. Heel behaviour. The wee man is also still hilarious. A world class piss ripper. Makes short work of fight club, before terrin the dutch boays a new ersehole. The Dutch Boays are still really scary anaw. ICW has totally transformed the way I see triple threat and fata 4 way tag matches. Outstanding yet again. Lambrini gets involved in some suplex action. Stevie does a bitta diving. Everyone suplexes everyone. We've got dropkicks, flips. you name it, sumdy done it. Stevie flings some frantic elbows, before the boys hit a 3D. Huge pop for that. Somedys about tae get scudded wae a Bucky bottle before Dallas intervenes. A step too far it wid seem, even though BT Gunn wis a bawhair away fae stabbing a pregnant lassie wae some scissors. The distraction gies the SDS an opening, and they hit the brutal double team move which looks like it kills folk, before Tommy End brainbusters a Bucky Boy for the win. Too much gid shit tae handle here man. So very braw. There wis also a suplex involving all 6 competitors which I forgot clean all aboot tae I seen the photies there. Naewhere in the world does better tag wrasslin than ICW.
Shall we huv a wee title match then?
Mikey Whiplash vs Jack Jester (ICW Title Match)
See when a match starts wae one guy getting pulled aboot wae a rope roon his neck, its a strong indicator of hings tae come. They have a wee shoulder block war anaw which Jester won. The action goes intae the crowd, and Whippy jumps up on the bar, only tae gie everycunt the fingers n climb back doon. The cheeky swine. Jester slingshots Whippy towards the bar, then we get a spot tae rival the Gore earlier, when Jester eblow drops Whippy fae the bar and through a table. Eye watering spot that wis. We make our way back intae the ring for Whippy tae hit the Finlay Roll aff the top rope. Only gets a 2 count but. At this point Jester has been burst wide open. Blood pishin oot his foreheid. Whippy takes the corkscrew to his melt and bursts it further. I'm on the fence about blood in wrestlin tbh, its rightly less common than it wis, but sometimes it adds depth tae the story in a way that nothing else can. On an occasion like last night, the blood worked. Simple as that. They're baith big boys, they know the risks. And it made the moment all the more meaningful when Jester hit the pedigree type move he uses, before rolling Whippy up shortly after to become THE NEWWWWWW ICW CHAMPION. I'll no lie tae ye, I wis pullin for Whippy in this yin, but after the story these two told in that match, I wis happy for Jester. He genuinely broke doon and had a wee greet when he realised what he'd done. A beautiful moment. Blood, sweat and tears pishin doon his coupon. After last night, I widnae mind seeing a re-match.
Know whit else I just minded? Billy Kirkwood made a joke about Lady Gaga huvin a clit like a dick. Aw and also, The Bucky Boys huv got eccie jaws accordin tae some daft burd that wis staunin near me.
James Scott is bigger and thinner than Taz wis. James Scott cannae be a wee fat taz. Yer chant disnae make sense.
Another brilliant show. A few wee technical hitches here n there, but that's tae be expected when yer runnin a venue that size for the first time. As a wrestling show it wis fuckin unreal. Couldnae fault a minute of it. Noam Dar vs Andy Wild edges it for MOTN, but I enjoyed them aw. 9 outta 10 easy. Might have been 10 if we coulda re-incarnated the Macho Man fur a wee appearance, or if Chris Renfrew chucked a coupla ninja stars at Wolfgang.
Mazeltov! or suhin.
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