WWE RAW Review 28/10/2013

RAW just husnae been the same. Love or hate the man, John Cena completes the show. He gies ye something worth talkin aboot no matter whit. He opens this weeks RAW by ripping the utter cunt oota JBL for doubting him, before he informed us that there widnae be a John Cena 'special appearance' on the European Tour, but he was gaun tae fight. I'm gonnae take this as an invitation for a square go, and formally accept.

Ripped it oota JBL some more, before getting aw the bairns oot their seats wae a wee speech about how this is the Cenation, and the champ wis here. Lovely wee promo, vintage Cena. But that wisnae it.

HALLELUJAH!

"The uncrowned champ is here"

Damien Sandow strolled oot, briefcase in hand and tellt John its impossible for an injury like his tae heal so soon. He wis mare wounded than he wis letting on, and because of this Damo is gonnae be cashin in his MITB title shot RIGHT NOO. Teasin bastard but so he is, he decides against it, but Cena pulls him back so Damien just straight up dismantled Johns bad arm wae the briefcase. Mangled it. Then he wrapped his arm roon the ringpost, before daein a wee funny Cena impression when he launched him intae the barricade. This is a brutal beating so far eh? put ye oot the game for 6 months kinda thing eh? well no quite. Sandow finishes off the beating by settin Cenas arm u on the steel steps and shattering it wae a steel chair. He's really needin a new arm at this stage eh? No the best time for him tae be in a match, but he had nae choice in the matter as Sandow decided tae cash in after all.

John Cena vs Damien Sandow (WH Title Match)

Whit a strange bit of booking this wis. The way the segment had gone until then seemed tae heavily favour Sandow being put over strong. He bossed the match, probably due tae him having the use of both arms. Got Cena in aw sortsa armbars n that, draps the knee on Cenas arm a few times. Every imaginable thing ye could dae wae an arm, besides stick it up yer arse...Sandow done it. The arm stuff made sense cause Cena wis hurt, but Sandow disnae use a submission hold that's pertinent tae it so I didnae really get that either. Cena rallies wae some jabs, before they huv a brief jab exchange. Cena inexplicably hits a shoulder block wae the bad arm. Then goes for the 5 knuckle shuffle, cause he appears tae have limited his move set tae hings that require the use of his bad arm. Sandow blocks and goes after Cena again. Vicious Irish whip tae the corner. Tweets Cenas maw and tells her she makes a rotten Steak Pie. Hist a bad cunt so he is. Cena hits the AA ooota naewhere, but for some reason he chucked Sandow a mile across the ring and he rolled oot tae safety. This is when ye ken we were getting this Super Cena routine, cause Sandows quite happily having a wee nap and taking his countout but for some stupid as fuck reason he drags Sandow back in. Locks in that fuckin dire excuse for an STF, but his arms too sare, so Sandow slips oot n hits a beezer of a neckbreaker. Goes for yon full nelson slam hes been using as a finisher, but Cena blocks and comes back wae a fuckin mad mid air neckbreaker hing. Ooaft aye, this wis the gid stuff.
They both get up, n Sandow wriggles his way intae a braw crossface. Cena looks like hes tappin but he fights oot, so Sandow goes n hits the Full Nelson Slam (he cries it you're welcome) surely for the win? NUT .....RAPPPADOOOO...SUUUUUUPER CENA GETS THE SHOODER UP.
Cena goes up top but misses a corssbody by a fuckin mile. Sandow sets up for a piledriver, but ye kent something wis up there cause ye canae dae them anymerr. Cena blocks it and hits the AA tae retain the fuckin belt, despite getting battered before the match, and hit wae Sandows new finisher. Fuck sake.

I'm a big Cena fan n aw that, but this wis perfectly poised for Sandow tae take the belt. This was a chance tae make him a star and its been passed up. If he disnae get another chance at the belt I'm gonnae take Vince McMahon oot for a nice steak dinner, we'll get on great, exchange snapchat usernames n that, then I'm gonnae completely dingy him forever. That'll show the cunt.

The Shield promo backstage. Spoke about how last nights mistakes wont be replicated when Big E n Dean Ambrose have their rematch for the US Title. Ambrose polishes it aff by saying The Shield wurnae gonnae lose the last title they have left, a statement which wis met wae some HEAVY growlers fae Rollins n Reigns. Ambrose called himself the baddest man on the planet or suhin, but he wis aboot tae be the baddest man on the planet wae wan eye if he kept up that patter. Braw wee promo but, and what an exciting start I must say! We were all having a spiffing time.

Big E Langston vs Dean Ambrose

Match wis a dummy so it wis. Big E got the upper hand so The Shield interfered tae cause the DQ. Decided it wid probably be a gid time if they triple powerbombed Big E for a giggle, but The Usos wurnae havin any of it. That sweaty wee spunkrag Brad Maddox jumps oot and fills a paddlin pool wae his forehead sweat before knocking Teddy Longs patter and making it a 6 man tag.

Usos and Big E vs The Shield

Great match this wis, but I'd have rather seen Big E and Medium D finish their yin. Its no a lot tae ask is it? Braw kick fae Rollins on Jimmy or Jey, then Ambrose gets tae work wae yon methodical stomping, sleeper haudin and trash talkin. A potent mix. Uso fights oot wae a chinbreaker then a mental spinning kick tae the temple. Regins gets in and flys at his wee cousin, but Uso#1 reverses intae a DDT and tags in Uso#2. Uso#2 rams his bum intae Seths face. Big E and Ambrose both go flyin over the ropes, leavin Rollins tae try n Superplex an Uso, Uso blocks it and hits a facebuster aff the top. Reigns gets back in and him and Rollins got for a double suplex, but other Uso catches him on the way doon, and they double superkicked Rollins oot the ring only tae turn roon intae  DOUBLE SPEAR AFF THEIR BIG COUSIN. Cousins bein cousins ma man, ye cannae whack it. Job done. Shield prevail.

HBK and Daniel Bryan segment

Shawn phoned in the solo part of this, cause he goes deid behind the eyes when he steps in a wrasslin ring these days. Bryan comes oot and makes the promo instantly 10x more significant despite the fact that he didnae say a word. Didnae even look like he breathed. Aw his energies were channelled towards gien HBK that icy stare. Shawn said he only done whit he done cause Bryan flew at his best pal knee first. No matter whit, Triple H is his besto. He stuck by him through the dark times where HBK wis sellin the plates aff the European Title for a bag ah blues. Hunter needed him tae dae whit he done, and he had tae be there for his BFF. HBK tells Bryan he's sorry. Accept my apology ya cunt. Danny correctly shuns the cheatin wee cunt. HBK tells him he taught Daniel Bryan his most valuable lesson last night, don't trust anycunt. He done ye a favour Daniel ma man! kiss his fuckin feet or suhin. He pleads again for the handshake. Daniel Bryan tells him tae away n shite in his hauns n clap.
FINALLY we get a rise oota Shawn. He tellt Bryan he's been pleadin his case tae anycunt that listens, and he earned mare respect than this. "Shake ma fuckin haun ya wee cunt!" Bryan eventually gies in but he uses the handshake as an opportunity tae fire in a wee Yes Lock, and wait....haud oan, Daniel Bryan has the Yes Lock in on Shawn Michaels? and he's tapping? I take it aw back Shawn, yer no deid behind the eyes ataw pal. Even just getting a wee cheeky glimpse at a Daniel Bryan vs Shawn Micheals match wis enough tae get ma drawers soakin. I said a while back if HBK wis ever tae return, it should be tae face Daniel Bryan. Imagine if it fuckin happened at WM30. That's the only alternative tae Bryan vs Punk for the WWE Belt that I'd accept, cause it wis be artwork meht.

Daniel Bryan stauns backstage wae Renee Young. Lookin tae hash this HBK thing oot. Then oor Renee done a braw job of selling what was about tae happen, and she goes wide eyed and kinda retreats fae the camera shot. Light oot. They're here.
Harper and Rowan hit Bryan wae some big clubbing rights n lefts, before launching him hairy wee face first intae a ladder. He faws at Brays feet and yer mans talkin about the Devil aking him dae it, before he his Sister Abigail on Bryan sending him intae a fence. Then he hurls a container fulla Randy Ortons botches T-Bone Suplexes towards Bryans face. Bryans deid. The devil made him do it. At this point I thought he meant Kane, or Brother Love, or suhin like that but that those options wid later be proven unlikely.

3MB vs Los Matacannaebebotheredthinkinupofanotherpunwaetheirname

Total and utter dick tease this wis. 3MB got an entrance, so yer thinkin they may have a significant role tae play here. They didnae. They jobbed and the wee Bull battered Jinder. This shite needs tae get tae fuck man, same shite, aw the fuckin time. Naebdy gives a fuck about these cunts anymore. Heath had a wee net for the bull, but he couldnae get him wae it and instead HE'S the one who gets trapped in the net! lol. What a swerve! Get this pish tae fuck.

Tamina and AJ vs The Bellas

Ah Tamina. Kinda burd that always has a spirit level on her person at all times. Kinda burd who rips the pish oot ye for drinkin mainstream lager. A burd that could fling ye aboot. The match wis a sloppy pile of baws cause The Bellas are worse than useless, but at least AJ made the shite Bella tap oot so I spose that's no too bad.

Kane vs The Miz

Fuckin yass. A simple squash here. Kane squashin The Miz like the irrelevant wee skidmark he is. Easy as fuck. Chokeslam. Games a bogey. Miz wis selling his injuries fae Smackdown and the Chokeslam he took at HIAC, but he wisnae injured enough tae be squashed we such ease. he got squash cause he can get tae fuck.

Kane wisnae done yet though, and he calls Stephanie McMahon oot for a heart tae heart. Steph comes oot in her Primark diddy huggin jumper and Kane tells her she's been a wee cow. A manipulative life ruining boot. It felt like he wis stickin up for his auld buddy D-Bry, but we get a BIG RID SWERVE. Kane tells Steph that these days being a wee cow is whits best of business, and hands her his wig n mask. The monster is once again a gammy eyed baldy irrelevance.
Steph held the mask proudly above her heid tae finish the segment. On ye go Steph hen, stick it on. It'll be gid.

Prime Time Players are the latest wans tae try this 'best salesman in the WWE' patter wae yon WWE Shop segment. Its my favourite one yet by far, the boays huv got hunners of charisma. Funny coupla lads. Mind that wee push they got when Darren first came oot but? naw? neither dae they meht.

CM Punk vs Ryback

Sufferin fuck. Why? Spose its gid that it definitely seems like this would be the last time Punk had tae work wae this nugget, but why even dae it one more time? there wis a vote on the app about the stipulation, and we chose street fight. Punk cuts a wee promo about Heyman being deid and how Ryback wis a square breasted nae cunt withoot him. The match wis marginally better than their Cell match I thought, but ultimately still shite. Its like if yer spewin, and one of the spew seshes is slightly less painful than previous ones. Yer still spewin. Its still unpleasant. Ryback disnae huv it. He never did. Big awkward moving fandan. If he continues tae get pushed at Big Es expense, its either racism or discrimination against diddies that are the correct shape. Nae other reasons. Punk ducks under that horrendous clothesline and hits oot wae a swinging neckbreaker, before setting up a table. They huv a wee back and forth roon aboot the table, which Punk won via a big kick thae the heid, Ryback landed on the table of course, and Punk hits him wae the flyin elbow through the table, Anaconda Vice fur yer supper, and Rywank taps.

Darkness

We here the Wyatts music again. This is it. This is finally it. They've finally made the mark we aw thought they would soon enough. Leaving naecunt diddies like Miz and Kofi behind and gaun after the big boays. Bray leads his flock oot, and Punk eggs them on. Come ahead ya diddy rides.
Rowan and Harper attacked and finally got the better of Punk after a wee battle. Harper irish whips Rowan intae Punk wae the big splash in the corner and that's Brays cue tae get up. He looks Punk in the eye, but Punks still got some fight left and he heidered Bray right between the eyes. Harper responds tae that wae yon cracking lariat he does, and Bray finally delivered Sister Abigail.
The devil made him do it.

A few theories bouncing aboot about who the "devil" he's referring to is. I think its just him bein aw dark n mysterious tbh. Brays character disnae fit in wae answering to a higher power ataw. Time will tell but eh chief.

Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs The Real Americans

Oh whit a lovely wee surprise this wis. Not only was Cesaro involved in a proper wrestling match, where he wisnae reduced tae spinnin some jobber aboot, but the match wis a fuckin cracker AND The Real Americans went over. Mental. Goldust and Cesaro kick things aff and ye can instantly tell they have chemistry. Swagger gets in there tae and even he's lookin sharp. Its aw just workin in this match so it is. Snapmare and a knee tae Cesaros melt by Cody, followed by a facebuster. Goldust wae a running bulldog when he got back in anaw. Then a springboard dropkick fae Cody. Magic. Gid fuckin tag wrasslin, every week. Cannae whack it. Censaro deadlifts Cody and flings him for miles wae the gutwrench suplex. Swagger gets in and hits the Swagger Bomb, then yon double team foot stomp spot and The Real Americans were right in control so they wur. Mental considering they lost tae yer Matadors the night before, and The Rhodes boys retained their belts in that brilliant triple threat match. Cesaro with yon chuck up in the air and uppercut spot, but Goldust breaks up the pin at 2. Goldust gets back in and gies us aw the classics. Beautiful uppercut, and some jabs up the ropes. Corssbody on Swagger but Swagger rolled oot of the pin and locked in the Ankle Lock. Getting tae yon frantic part of these matches and that only means one thing. Its time fur a finish. Goldust counters the ankle lock and rolls Swagger up for 2, before everycunt clears oot. Swaggers takes Goldust doon, and gets a second Ankle Lock in (I'm no fuckin calling it the Patriot Lock neer im no, leave it) and Goldust fuckin taps oot. A non title win for yer Real Americans, and in a braw match tae. Lovely.
Oh and Cesaro was on the outside when Swagger got G|oldust tae tap oot, an when he discovered whit happened he done the maist hilarious celebration. Pure unadulterated joy, and if my man Cesaro is happy, we should aw be happy. That's the rules.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Del Rio cutting a promo in a suit. Nae belt, means nae attention. Dingied it.

Summer Rae vs Natalya

A singles match between two Divas who had an interest in pro wrasslin before WWE recruited them? On Raw? never thought I'd see the like again, but that's whit we got here. A short but entertaining wee contest. Summer Rae on the main roster is the only thing happenin right noo which actually is fuckin best for business. Hilariously Khali hovers aboot in the ring when the match is due tae start, cunt looks like he regularly forgets how tae function as a normal human, and has tae start fae scratch every now and again. He stauns on the apron for a few seconds before the daft big cunt realises he's no in the match. Still looked extremely confused by the whole hing when he does eventually accept he's tae get oot.
Summer hits a lovely kick intae the corner, and does some high pitched screamin at poor wee Nattie. Leave her alane ya wee cow. Summer locks in a beautiful Indian Deathlock and shouts at Nattie tae tap, before rolling it intae a pin for a 2 count. Two lassies that can fuckin go. Mental.
Natty fights back wae some knees in the corner, and a wee slap but Summers back on top soon after. Gets a camel clutch lookin hing locked in where it looked like she wis feedin Natalya her ain hair, Massively impressed wae Summer here, in every way imaginable, but she lost tae the maist wonderful lookin sharpshooter I've ever seen. Chugged masell dry err it.

Randy Ortons WWE Title celebration closed the show, and by fuck, it wis a demoralising way tae bring a stoater of a RAW tae a close. Pish. Turgid pish.
Aw the wrasslers are gathered on the stage including CURTIS FUCKIN AXEL lookin fit as a fiddle. Whit the fucks that aw aboot? if ye pull out of a title defence, I want tae see ye admitted tae a hospital wae a road sign stickin oot his heid or suhin.

Triple H comes oot and talks about how good Randy Ortons tap lip tastes, before Orton emerges for some fuckin reason. They had a boke inducing group hug. Steph talks aboot Randy being whit we all aspire tae be. He got on the mic and naebdy cared. Even Orton stopped caring haufway in. Monotonous pish before The Big Show charges oot. Everycunt clears the ring, but Orton does a wee sneaky sneaky, and hits him fae behind wae the belt. Big Show knocks him oot for the sneakiness and then we had a showdown between Trips n The Big Show. In 2013 this is the main rivalry. Triple H shat oot it and went hame. RAW ended wae The Big Show shakin his heid as a cenral figure in the storyline involving the main belt. In 2013. Take this shite tae fuck.

Overall a smashin RAW. Opening segment was one of the best of the year, even if it had the wrang finish. Wyatts at the forefront of it aw, and Cesaro going over strong without any spinnin aboot. Negatives were nae Ziggler and a total rotter of a final segment, and that makes this weeks RAW a right decent 7.25 top rope hurricanranas oota 10.

Stock photie of Giant Gonzalez tellin ye hes yer mad uncle.

WWE Hell In A Cell 2013 Review

Hell In A Cell is an odd yin. Ye see the name and instantly reminisce about some of the classic Cell matches we've been treated tae over the years. The breathtaking physical spectacle Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker served up on a bloodstained platter. The iconic and borderline suicidal bumps Foley took. The first and for me still the best Cell match, which ended in blood drenched betrayal after Kanes debut led tae HBK stealing the win over Taker. Also, Taker v Trips at Mania eh.....happened. I'd gie it 6 oota 10 personally, but who am I tae argue wae the best there is, the best there wis, and the best there ever will be? I'm a naecunt.

I didnae watch the pre-show btw. Heard Big E v Axel wis aff cause Axel burst baith his hips when he wis shagging wee dugs up the luggy park, so I dingied it and watched Noam Dar vs AJ Styles on Challenge instead. There wis a match though and I ken who wins it, but I don't know the finish or anything the match contained. I'm gonnae take a guess at it here and if you seen it, let me know how close it wis. There's nae prize for partaking in this other than the sense of achievement ye'd get fae getting involved ma man. Awrite here we go..

GUESSWORK - Damien Sandow vs Kofi Kingston

Sandow starts out strong, wee bitta side Russian leg sweep. Kofi comes back wae some kicks, and a springboard crossbody/dropkick...mibbe baith. Sandow gets back on top wae the Elbow of Disdain, but Kofi rallies again, and comes close tae Trouble In Paradise. Sandow eventually gets the win wae that new finisher he does. Yon Full Nelson slam hing. The End. Mibbe a wee dive tae the outside wae him landing on his feet fae Kofi anaw.

Wis I close? bet I wis. Dolph wis on the pre-show panel btw, which is a fuckin travesty, but he looked happy enough tae be there. Making the best of it Dolph ma man, widnae expect anything else. Kaitlyn err tae lookin mighty fine. I want her tae spear me through a table made ootae chocolate or suhin. I dunno.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes vs The Usos vs Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns (WWE Tag Title Match)

I see a lot of patter about Goldust being just as gid as he was in his prime, and I wholeheartedly disagree meht. He isnae as good as he was in his prime, he's BETTER This is Goldust in his prime. Gie him aw the shiny belts. Well no them aw, but at least wan mare belt tae go with his current belt. He goes for a pre match handshsake wae his brerr but Cody misses it and that wid be their only failure of the whole night.
This match wis jist lovely. A ridiculously high bar to set the rest of the roster. Bet ye WWE are kinda regretting putting this first, cause nothing really matched uptae it tbh. Bryan n Orton rivalled it for match quality, but the finish in that still puts a dampner on it for me.
A relevant, and exciting WWE tag division in 2013 eh? who widda thought it. So much of this year has been returning tae old methods that fuckin worked. Similar dynamics tae the attitude era, just a lot mare PC and corporate but yer still getting some top quality wrasslin and at times captivating storytelling.
This yin starts wae the Uso brerrs and the Rhodes brerrs huvin a wee set to. Cody and Jimmy or Jey huv a magic wee exchange, before they baith block each others hiptoss attempts and an Uso hits a scoop slam. Goldy gets back in, and delivers some braw uppercuts tae an Uso before bootin him in the melt.
Rollins finally gets in and decides tae get Goldy in a headlock, cause this shit wis too good so far. We were needin calmed doon. Cheers Seth. Big Roman gets in n jabs Goldys coupon for him, before chinlockin me tae sleep. Yer Goldust fights oot it afore Reigns fails tae go over properly for the backslide. Him and Goldust have had some gid moments together, but that wis a wee reminder that the big yin is still a wee bit rough round the edges.
Goldust ends the unfortunate wee sequence of shiteness wae a braw DDT and we finally get tae see Rollins again. Flyin dropkick tae Cody on the apron means that Goldust has naebdy tae tag when he goes tae the corner. The Usos urge him tae tag wanna them in and he gies in and decides tae dae it, but Rollins then pulls them aff the apron anaw. Reigns hits a spear on Goldust seemingly for the win, but Cody breaks that up. Nae second reign for Reigns.
Cody hits a moonsault on Rollins but he kicks out at 2. An Uso makes a blind tag, and gets tae flyin aw err the place. Crossbody on Rollins, kicks tae the gut, and an erse splash in the corner. Reigns breaks the count this time and ye get the feeling like we're getting intae another one of these frantic finishes.
Uso #1 sends Reigns and Goldust over the ropes, and hits a flying crossbody, and back in the ring Uso #2 tosses Rollins a million feet in the air and catches him in a Samoan Drop.
Eventually we get back down tae Cody and Rollins and this is when business picks up serr. Cody blocks a superplex attempt, and instead decides tae superplex Rollins aff the top rope tae the outside where every other cunt in the match seems tae be huddled together. Belter of a spot in a belter of an opening match. Gid tag wrasslin ma man, ye cannae whack it.
In the ring an Uso hits a big splash aff the top rope tae break up Codys pin attempt on Rollins, and as he drags Rollins tae the corner Reigns hits him wae a spear, Uso superkicks Reigns, Goldust  gets hit wae a boot tae the melt by Rollins, before Cody hits the CROSS RHODES FURRA WIN. After Goldust pushed Rollins intae the path of his wee brerr.
Fuckin beautiful opener. Between ICW and WWE, we're getting treated tae a wealth of gid tag shit these days. It makes me want tae disrobe and go a wee nudey celebratory jog so it does. Brawer than the brawest hing since they sterted keepin records on things.

Miz/Wyatts Promo

Any excuse tae hear Bray say words is a gid thing, but I have numerous issues wae this, which I will list for ye below, wae numbers n aw sorts.

1. They had The Miz tied tae a railing on Smackdown, whilst he wis spark out, wae 'liar' written on his chest, so how the fuck is out here wae just a slight limp cutting a promo?
2. Why?
3. When Bray said his words, how come he wisnae oot there in person?
4. Why did any of this happen?
5. I don't understand. Somedy tell me.
6. Please

Aye but. Miz tells him and the boays tae come ahead. Bray appears on the titantron and tells Miz he wants tae put him out his misery. It pains him tae see Miz so dishevelled. Please understand, your words mean nothing tae Bray. If only you could see the monster which lies behind Brays eyes (and prolly doon his troosers anaw)
Rowan and Harper appear and knock the steamin shite oota Miz before EH BIG RID MACHINE RETURNS! Kane's back troops. First time since he got mauled at Summerslam. Big boot tae Rowan before he sends Harper flyin. It looks and smells like hauners for The Miz, but don't be fooled, that walloper catches a chokeslam for his troubles anaw. Nighty night ya diddy ride.

Gid tae huv ye back Kane serr. When ye ripped that cell door aff aw they years ago, I obtained my second full on erection (first yin wis tae dae wae a certain poster of Sable in a catsuit) so you and Hell In A Cell will always go hand in hand. Follow The Buzzards but eh.

Fandango and Summer Rae vs Natalya and Khali

Don't huv the faintest clue why this wis on the PPV, but it wis ok. As long as it leads tae Summer Rae being a permanent fixture on the Divas roster and she gets a proper feud wae Nattie, I'm fine wae it. Their exchanges in this match were pretty gid, and Summers just a talented evil wee Barbie doll. Fandango gets on the mic briefly before we start, and caws himself the best salsa dancer since its invention. Him and Summer huv a wee jig but the perty stoaps stane deid when Khalis daft music starts. As much as I hate Nattie being aligned wae this nugget, she does a lot of bouncing tae his music so its no aw bad eh. Anyway listen, we had some braw stuff between Summer and Natalya so that's gid. Usual mixture of chops, slaps, big boots and lookin like he needs a shite fae Khali. Fandango done his best tae work wae the big lump, god bless his hert, Just wisnae tae be.
Summer gets in and gies Khali a tellin aff for bein awfa rough, but Natalya gets her in a headlock for her troubles. Summer takes a shoulder block before delivering a lovely wee hiptoss intae a pint Backslide fae Natalya gets a 2 count, before a lovely dropkick fae Summer. She gets right cocky but, and gets tae gyrating they hips aw err the place. Natalya puts her on her face for her cheek, and skelps her erse. Stauner. Fandango gets tagged in and gies it aw the gyrating patter anaw, so Natalya sweeps his feet oot fae under him.
Fandango takes Khali aff his feet wae a dropkick, but thankfully the lassies get back in and after some brief tomfoolery, Summer rolls ootae the Sharpshooter, and rolls Natty up for the pin.
Actually a lot better than It should have been, mainly due tae the brawness between the burds. Natalya could wrassle a binbag fulla auld sweaty vests and I'd prolly love it right enough. Ye've got ma digits Natty hen, gies a bell when ye get a spare minute eh darlin. x

Dean Ambrose vs Big E Langston (US Title Match)

Big E's on the card after all! There is a god. I widnae have minded seeing the big wonder take this belt here. Dean Ambrose is a star in the making no matter whit, he disnae need the belt tae make him, but for me Big E wid benefit hugely fae a strong run with a midcard belt.
This match wis made on the pre-show cause it wis frankly daft that Ambrose wis left aff the card anyway and Big E's got momentum so lets get it awn.
Ambrose gies the Big Yin a wee slap tae start, so Langston hits him wae the standing diddy splash hing he does. Follows it u wae a regular auld splash in the corner and a wee backbreaker. Beautiful succession of chops fae Ambrose, afore he catches some big knees in return and a braw back body drop. Then a proper bearhug Air goes fleein oota Ambroses lungs, before he fights oot and gets sent flying when he dives at Big E in the corner. A wee bit outside hi-jinks occur, and then Deano tries suhin wholly daft. Tries tae suplex Big E back intae the ring which is the height of madness. He got too much for ya man! Even if ye had yer pals wae ye it widnae be enough man, cause when ye wantae lift Big E Langston THREE AINT ENOUGH MAN, YOU NEED FIVE.

(I'd like tae take this opportunity tae apologise for that joke there. You expect better fae me. Correctly so)

Ambrose takes over at this point, and he gets Big E pinned on the ropes for a few slaps, before hittin him wae a dropkick. Naecunt better in the company at the the wee mind games hings than Ambrose. When he gets the upper hand, its aw methodical and aw braw. Big E fights back though and reverses a sleep by flein intae the corner wae Ambrose on his back. Running diddy splash fae Langston gets a 2 count, before he misses wae the big slash. Disnae miss wae that belter of a belly tae belly, but he only managed a two count.
Then we get exactly whit aw the "Wrestling is too PG these days, I miss aw the tits" have been slavering fur when Big E gets busted wide open. Fuck knows how but he had a huge cut below his eye, lit sumdy had took a Stanley blade tae it or suhin. Bearing this in mind, Big E still disnae gie a monkeys. Throws caution tae the wind when Ambrose is staunin on the apron and Big E SPEARS HIM AFF THE APRON TAE THE OUTSIDE. Baith boayzies doon. Big E crawlin back in and he makes it at 8, but Ambrose stumbles aboot and decides against it. Up the road. Lost the match but kept the belt. Big E isnae fuckin huvin any of the that though. If he wisnae walkin oot of HIAC wae a shiny belt, he WILL leave wae a wee scar under his eye, and he will leave having hit the Big Ending on Dean Ambrose.

Braw match. Short, but fantastic tae see a coupla talented, charismatic young cunts daein the business. Born with none of the genetic wrasslin gifts that were afforded to Curtis Axel, but they work like a coupla cunts that have had tae graft tae ger where they are. That's whit its aw aboot. No saying Axel husnae worked hard, but he also cuts promos that doctors are recommending as a viable alternative tae sleepin pills.


CM Punk vs Ryback and Paul Heyman

Poor Punk. He puts oan one of the most brutal displays of storytelling in wrasslin history against Brock Lesnar and whits his reward? getting tae batter his mentor wae a Kendo Stick and huvin tae work wae a coupla shanners like Curtis Axel and Rywank.
A coupla cunts that sook the charisma oota any rom they enter. They're the reason HBK lost his smile. They caused Montreal. They caused Goldberg tae botch that kick. They caused The Rock tae end CM Punks reign wae a fuckin elbow drop. It wis them all along.
The two wrasslers come oot, afore Heyman gets rolled oot in a poorly manned chairlift type hing, which lifts him on tae the tap of the Cell, and on his road up he gies Punk some patter about how he's the devil, he is Satan himself, he is the best in the world. It wis fuckin rerr, check it oot if ye get the chance bud, nae pressure.
Then the match started and it wis predictably shite. Gid start though, as Punk batters Ryback aff the Cell and hits him wae the first kendo stick of the evening. Ryback grabs him and gets his revenge by ramming Punk intae the cell quite boringly. Stood on his neck a bit tae, so fuck.
Mare messiness roon aboot the Cell, mare neck stomping. This square diddied cunt has a thing for choking folk eh? Finally a spot worth talking aboot when Ryback lifts Punk for a suplex, only tae smash him aff the Cell repeatedly. Know that way when ye were playin fitbaw in school n ye'd get nudged aff the baw and intae the nearest wall? it wis like that, cept sarer and mare sweaty.
Ryback hits an awrite lookin backdrop hing before inexplicably gaun for a bearhug while Punk wis on the ground. Yer mans on his last legs n you gie him a fuckin cuddle? Utter clown of a man.
Punk rallies n dropkicks his stupid leg oot fae under him, before delivering the high knee in the corner which Ryback sells as if he got a wee fright. Goes for the springboard crossbody but Ryback catches him fur a powerslam and pulls down the straps on his singlet tae reveal A COUPLA PERFECTLY SQUARE DIDDIES.
Punk picks up a Kendo Stick and goes tae town on Rybacks breid basket. Wee shot tae the heid anaw, followed by the running knee then the Macho Man elbow drop which he kinda butchers a wee bit. That got a 2 count. Gonnae huv tae put this cunt tae sleep I think Punk. Mare kendo stick shots followed. At this point aside fae that wee suplex spot, there's nae reason for this match tae huv been in the Cell.
Punk gets a fuckin table oot and its gets set up on its side for some reason. That reason is revealed soon after, as Punk gets drapped baws first on the upturned table. Interesting spot, cannae say I've ever seen a table used tae maim a cunts baws before.
Ryback sets up the table, looks up at Heyman and goes "how dae mah diddies look fae up there?" Totally diddy conscious so he is. Ryback somehow finds himself on the table, so Punk hits yer Macho Man elbow drop again tae put him through it. Ryback gets up at the same time as Punk fur some unfathomable reason, despite having just went through a table, but he's no up for long as Punk hits him wae a kendo stick/GTS combo and that's game over. Well its game over fur Ryback, but theres a certain wee greasy genius dwelling up the tap of the Cell that needed dealt wae.

Punk grabs a shiny new Kendo Stick and stick it in his trunks. Up tae the top he went. Nowhere to run to Paullllll, nowhere to hiiide.
Punk asks him whit else he's supposed tae do? Heyman disnae provide a viable alternative so he gets KNOCKED THE FUCK OOT. A gid 10-15 shots tae the back wae the kendo stick, before Punk whoops up the crowd and then its night night time. GTS. Night Paul.E, wis nice knowin ye pal.

A lot of writing for a shite match eh? fuck it. The finish wis no bad and Punks some man. He deserves aw the writing.

Los Matadores vs Jack Swagless and Antonio Cesaro

Pile ah fuckin baws. Cesaro got tae spin Epico or Primo aboot for ages, cause he's apparently some kinda circus wrassler noo. They dae yon double team spot, where Cesaro hits the double foot stomp and apart fae that, there wis fuck all ye needed tae see here. Los Matanaecunts won wae a fuckin shiter of a double team move on Swagger. The Wee Bull hit a hurricanrana on Cesaro cause he wis trying tae stop them bullying Zeb and Zeb got away unscathed. Nae reason fur this tae be anywhere near a PPV. Dae something worthwhile wae Cesaro or ye can chase yersells.

Bert Del Rio vs John Ceenah (WH Title Match)

Any other champion I'd have been dead against this. Sorry John, yer ma mainest man, but there's nae way ye should be rushed back fae injury two months early and immediately booked tae take a big belt. Its not on. When its Del Rios belt? aye meht. Have at it. Huv the IC Belt while yer at it anaw but drap that tae Big E asap.
Del Rio goes after the burst elbow early on and Cena escapes, fearing a re-bursting of the aforementioned elbow. Cena gets some Irish Whips on the go, afore hittin a tasty wee Bulldog. Kick tae the ribs and dropkick fae Del Rio. Bashes Cenas arm on the steel steps after bootin him oot the ring, the cheeky midden. Mare vicious kicks. I don't hink he's very nice tbh wae ye troops. Seems tae kick folk in the belly a lot. Cena fucks up a drop toehold, afore Del Rio hits a brammer of a German Suplex. Tries tae work on the arm, and eventually gets an armbar type hing locked in. Cena fights oot eventually and hits a braw wee hiptoss, followed by a right gid dropkick. Bert gets back in the ascendancy but cause he's the man wae aw the armbars. This yins just yer classic everyday armbar, nuhin tae write hame about. Cena fights oot and goes tae adjust some attitudes, but he kicks kicked in the leg and tellt where tae go. Del Rio tries tae come aff the tap rope, but Jan Seeenahs got a bit less bulk on him these days, and that means yer mans hittin aw the dropkicks. Catches Del Rio perfectly wae a mid-air dropkick, afore gaun for yer attitude adjustment again. This time De Rio reverses it tae the backstabber and michty me, whit a stoater of a match this wis.

Tornado DDT aff Cena, cause incase ye hudnae noticed, the man can fuckin wrestle. Its never perfect but he does a lot of things well. Gaun up tae the top rope has never been one of those things right enough, and Bert catches him on the temple wae a kick as he went to the top. Cena goes for the STF after ducking a kick fae ADR, but he blocks it and hits oot wae a tilt o whirl backbreaker. That's no pittin Cena away but, so he gets hung upside doon in the corner fur bein such a hero, and booted mercilessly by the Mexican Chris Sabin. Cena ducks oot the road of the last kick, and goes up top tae hit a fuckin decent crossbody. I retract my previous statement Cena meht, FLYYYY LITTLE PELICAN.
Del Rio tries the crossarmbreaker, but Cena rolls through and locks in that fuckin ridiculously sloppy shiter of an STF. Del Rio asks the ref why Cena's cuddlin him, but he gets nae answer, so he gets tae the ropes, breaks the bold and superkicks Cenas jaw aff fur him fur a 2 count.
Finally gets gets the crossarmbreaker in, but ye ken fine well we're gonnae huv a mental spot, where Cena displays that his arms totally healed. That's whit we get when Cena lifts Del Rio whilst the Cross Armbreaker is still in and slams him doon. Cena goes for the AA, Del Rio blocks and goes for the Cross Armbreaker again, Cena blocks that and finally, efter about a hunner attempts, he hits the AA tae become the new World Heavyweight Champ.

I don't mind this cause it'll mean I can go back tae ignoring all Alberto Del Rio promos, but aw the same, he needs tae drap the belt tae somedy who deserves it, and quickly. Hopefully tae Sandow, or Cesaro, or Dolph, or mibbe even fuckin Drew. Just somedy that's due it.


AJ Lee vs Brie Bella (Divas Title)

AJ hen, you are killing it right now. Even when yer gied a shiter like this to work wae, ye still make it interesting enough. That's not tae say this match was interesting like, cause it most certainly wisnae, but the wee rivalry has been passable. Brie isnae too bad compared tae most of the model/wrasslers, but it disnae come naturally to her so a lot of the time ye get matches like this yin, which had nae pace tae it whatsoever. Brie strings together some dropkicks and a flying forearm and everyones erse collapsed in harmony. Surely this nugget couldnae take the belt? Brie does yon roll through intae the half crab hing which is really all she he has that disnae make ye want tae bin her, but AJ got tae the ropes and then locked in the Black Widow for the win. Know whit that means mon frère? NAE BELTS FURRA BELLAS. Everyone grab the person nearest ye, and as long as its no a relative, or a particularly stinkin flatmate, get that person pumped.

Triple H n Shawn huvin a wee chat backstage before the main event. Shawn needs tae do what's best for business, and that's superkicking his daft pal tae his nose is human sized.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton w/ Shawn Michaels Special Guest Ref (Hell In A Cell match for the vacant WWE Title)

Mind when HBK used tae stop the show? that was his thing. That wis how we all loved him. He wis the show. He wis the match of the night on the majority of cards he wis ever on. He had the charisma on the mic tae pull off any kind of promo. He had the adaptability tae work good matches wae useless lumps like Batista and Hogan (In Hogans case I mean that purely based on limited in-ring ability, Batista is bad at all things human related) and for me he worked some of the most enjoyable matches I've ever seen at WM with Chris Jericho, Bret Hart, Taker and Ric Flair.
Its for these reasons that I'm no a huge fan of these wee appearances he makes since he retired, cause as much as he usually does a decent job of contributing to whichever storyline he is asked tae, it still disnae feel like the same cunt. It feels hollow. The music's the same, but the swagger that used tae go wae it is gone. The thirst for the limelight has faded. He disnae live for wrestling anymore, and Shawn I'm right happy fur ye meht. Ye've found that inner peace, and that means ye can go aboot huntin, n grawin beards, n takin the weans tae the swimming, but it also means ye shouldnae be involved in wrasslin angles anymore.
HBK comes oot first, then the wrasslers, and then Triple H. Triple Hs presence wis met wae one big melodic sigh fae everyone watching this shite, but he just draps the belt aff n gets back tae braidin Stephs hair.

A match breaks oot and Bryan gets us gaun wae a missile dropkick. Orton counters that wae that fuckin pish spot where he drops his opponent belly first on the ropes. He done it 3 or 4 times anaw, which baffled me, cause ye can dae that in any match ya clown. Ropes are there 24/7, that isnae Cell specific brutality ma man.
He drags Bryan tae the outside n smooshes his face aff the Cell, before Bryan reverses an Irish Whip intae the steel steps. Back in the ring Bryan kicks some charisma intae Orton before setting him up in the corner and hitting another peach of a dropkick, and then another tae send Orton outside for some suicide dives. How many I hear ye ask? Number one lands perfectly, sending Orton intae the Cell. Number two goes exactly tae plan also, but when Number three gets cleared for take-aff, Orton moves ootae the flight path and Bryan goes melt first intae the Cell. A sare dunt ye might say.
Orton goes for the corner jabs, but Bryan reverses intae a flip powerbomb hing. Oh aye, this is whit I wanted fae this as a match so far.
A fuckin uppercut war followed and it wis beautiful. Wrasslin wise this is the most I've enjoyed Orton by a distance, and even then the thought of him winning, n cradling that belt lit a wee sick puppy or suhin gied me the dry boke.
Bryan wins the uppercut exchange and follows it up wae that top rope Hurricanrana, quick rollup fae Orton leads tae a 2 count, then that's reversed intae the Yes! lock. Somedy notify the Blazin Squad, cause these boys are daft fur flip reversin it.
Back err at the Cell, Bryan dropkicks yer Orton and then its time for a wee break. Bryan goes tae work on the midriff of Orton wae a chair, before taking a wee time out tae throw about 10 chairs in the ring. Goes tae continue the chair assume in the ring, but auld sleekit nae eyes raked Bryans eyes and got a hauf of a chair himself. A few shots tae Bryans back, before Orton gathers aw the chairs up in the middle of the ring, lit he's 5 year auld again and that's his copper collection. Takes Bryan up for the superplex, and after it being blocked the first time he finally hits the superplex on top of the chairs. As braw a spot as that wis, it wis ruined by the re-emergence of the noise. Oot comes Hunter tae gie Shawn jip for no counting fast enough. Whilst the jip is being delivered, Orton hits that botchy as fuck T-bone suplex in the background, and when Shawn isnae there tae count, Orton comes oot and joins in the jip giving. See HBK in his heyday? he'd have fuckin wrecked the cunt just for lookin at him the wrang way, but this HBK just took it. He seemed tae accept this rampant disrespect and that makes me sad. Sadder than when he tellt us his mammy said he lost his smile. Sadder than when Taker got that 3 count at WM 26. Sadder than the saddest hing.

Orton hits the Carmel DDT, before a stramash ensues that leads tae Orton being pushed intae HBK. Then the unthinkable happened. Well it wis only unthinkable cause ye didnae want tae believe it might happen, but once they got itnae the finish, ye seen it coming a country mile aff. Triple H breaks the padlock aff the Cell and bursts in tae try n get Shawn tae wake up. D-Bry takes umbrage tae this despite the fact that he wis jist trying tae wake him up anaw, and delivers the flying knee tae Triple H. At this point, Michaels is up and kinda hovering in the middle of the ring, lookin mildly confused. SWEET CHIN MUSIC tae Bryan. Betrayal. Orton covers him. HBK takes ages tae even start countin for some reason, before finally counting the 3. Orton is the champ again.

I dunno why but for some reason, my faith is strong. I just hink its aw set up for one huge moment where D-Bry overcomes all the odds at a major PPV and finally becomes the champion cleanly. Survivor Series meht. One last shot. Bryan goes hame wae a shiny belt. Cannae change the fact that he's gaun hame tae a Bella right enough, but at least his wrasslin situation will be sorted. He'll haud the belt tae Mania, where he drops it in a beautiful 60 minute iron man match wae CM Punk. The boays have come full circle. On top of the mountain. A coupla vanilla midgets who made it tae the top, while Kevin "wee guys cant be main eventers" Nash signs autopgraphs for 30 quid a pop at Celtic Park.

Nae offence tae Kev n the lads like. But he is an obnoxious big wank.

Overall on second (and then third) viewing I reckon Hell In A Cell just scrapes pass marks. Some useless filler, and Punk v Ryback wis rotten, but Summer Rae debuted, we seen Cesaro, aw the wrasslin involved in the matches for the belts wis good. Tag Match wis a wee masterpiece, and The Big Show didnae appear, nor did he greet. That makes Hell In A Cell rated at a right average 6 suicide dives oota 10.

Jim The Anvil Neidhardt sings the Outro.