Its around half 1.30am in Scotland, and I'm going through my usual Pre-Impact routine. Incessantly checking Twitter for nothing in particular, watching NXT and trying to ascertain if I need to add a few large measures of vodka to the coke I'm drinking. Upon my 100th refresh of my twitter homepage in the previous 3 minutes, I see someone has posted an image and curious that it might be boobs, I opened it. It wasn't boobs, but it was a photo of the crowd for Impact live that night, and it was around half empty. A saddening, but understandable sight. My twitter feed, which is usually red hot during RAW is deathly quiet. Even the usual few people who tweet during Impact are nowhere to be seen, I think I'm the last man standing. Most of my survival instincts are based around being able to operate a Panini Press, and there wasn't one in the vicinity so I was screwed. No way I could make it on my own.
The reason for my abandonment escaped me. Were people really THAT pissed off that Bully Ray is champion again? Were they so heartbroken that D-Von got fired and they couldn't bear life without him? Then it dawned on me. After a month in "meetings" with people of importance (probably with the guy who gets him his growth hormones), Hulk Hogan was scheduled to return to Impact this week.....
*flat-line*
Thankfully he didn't open the show, although I'm saying that before I saw the mess that did open the show. Aces and Eights come down the ramp, all looking irked. Bully gets on the mic and informs us all that he is "IN A BAAAAD MOOD!" before asking every single one of the mid card jobbers he calls "brothers" how they allowed last weeks events to happen, the only one who offers anything other than a mumble is Mr Anderson, but he is interrupted by Bullys weekly "do you now who i am!" speech, Bully then goes on to inexplicably bury his recently fired Tag team partner for 20 years, calling him a sidekeick, and stating that he's "always been a disappointment" and I just despaired. I really did. Surely Bully wasn't happy about being asked to do this? essentially throwing his best friend under a bus as justification for him being fired. As a fan, it didn't compute with me at all. I don't even have anything funny to say about it, other than Garret Bischoff looks like Curious George, if he was enternally confused rather than curious. Also Brooke Tessmacher was there, and she has some plus points, but not even close to enough of them to save us from our collective apathy for this.
Kazarian vs Jeff Hardy (BFG Series Match)
Hugely disappointing affair this was. The match itself wasn't a compete assault on the senses, but the formulaic enigma pretty much gave us the same routine as usual. The outcome was the thing that bugged me though, because for me in a wrestling sense, Kaz has been on fire lately, and it made no sense whatsoever that he lost cleanly to hardy here. It weakens this alliance he has with Daniels and Roode and weakens his position in the BFG series, whilst pushing Hardy, who I assume isn't going to win the thing because I don't think anyone really needs to see Bully vs Hardy for the belt again, or for any reason. Jeff does pick up the win with the Swanton though, giving him 7 points, and giving me a confusion headache. Also, during this match Jeff locks in quite possibly the worst figure 4 I've ever seen. It looked like he was trying to pull Kazarians leg through a clogged drainpipe. Congratulations Jeff, you've sunk to depths that even The Miz couldn't manage.
Garret Bischoff talking backstage, to his "brothers" I'd like to give you a short list of things I'd rather hear than Garret Bischoff talking.
1. A million cats screeching in unison, to the backdrop of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey
2. Scott Stiener cut a promo on equal rights.
3. The sound of every bone in my foot breaking as a bus runs over it.
4. Any musical offering from Rusell Crowe
The fact that my ears were exposed to Garrett Bischoff saying words fills me with a heart wrenching, artery clogging sorrow. I don't deserve this. WE don't deserve this.
Gail Kim vs ODB (2 out of the 3 falls match)
The all of a sudden the world made sense again. This was an excellent match, but what else could you expect from these two? Especially with the 2 out of 3 falls stip. I realise the knockouts are thin on the ground now, but the booking and quality of matches in this division continues to defy the standard higher up the card. The first fall goes to Gail Kim as, she she makes ODB tap to a modified sharpshooter . ODB seems dead to the world at this point, as Gail jumps right back on the injured leg. Seemingly headed for a surprisingly easy win, she gets a bit cocky and ODB catches the quick roll-up to even the score. Gail is obviously upset at her concentration lapse, and gets right back to weakening ODBs amazonian legs, locking in a figure four on the ringpost and also just generally kicking her a lot. In Scotland we have a word for matches like this. That word is "braw". The word braw is used a general word to sum up things which are enjoyable. Many of the things I use the word "braw" for were on display in his match. Great technical wrestling, gripping storytelling, and beautiful women. So this ticked all the boxes for me, and I loved the twist ending, with ODB getting the final fall via submission with her own modified sharpshooter/texas cloverleaf
.
Velvet Sky segment backstage. She's asked about the nature of her relationship with Chris Sabin. Chris Sabin was the TNA Champion 2 weeks ago. That really happened.
Roode and Daniels talking backstage about their inability to interfere in each others matches. I actually liked this idea as it gave them all the chance to go over clean, and strengthen the stable, but with Kaz being defeated earlier, and Roode set to face a resurgent AJ Styles, I think its design was more to weaken the group, and that idea is not one I like. A slow and rueful shake of the head is all I have for this.
The third entirely unrelated segment in a row. I cant fathom why TNA do this every week. I really don't get it. It must lose them so many casual viewers who don't have the first idea what's going on. This time its Aries talking about the events of last week (when he refused to join Bad Influence/Roode) but Daniels interrupts and simply asks "why didnt you join the party Austin? we could have been special!" Aries tells him to find the nearest steep hill, grease it up real nice and slide all the way down it, and straight off the edge of the earth. For all his wisdom it seemed strange that Austin Aries didn't know that the earth was round, but we'll put that down to TNA creative, and the fact that I made it up. Anyway, the point in the whole thing is that Aries will face Daniels in the main event, and that's just fantastic news.
Next up is a MEM promo in the ring. They let Rampage talk AGAIN, so I cant even muster up the ability to even pretend I gave a shit. The whole thing is just set up for AJ Styles to come out and re-announce himself on the wrestling world so we'll move on o that shall we? Yeah. AJ gets on the mic and cuts a shoot promo, probably worked, on how terrible his treatment has been. How poorly he has been utilised, and how he's ready to put the company back on his shoulders again. As nice as it is to see that he is once again back to the passionate, and engaging AJ Styles we used to love, its still no excuse for the complete lack of effort in his work over the past 6 months. He has for too much natural ability for anything to stop him having one of the best matches on the card every night, and for me his inability to do that is what seperartes him from the likes of Punk, Aries, Bryan and Roode. Even when their writing is garbage, and their story is directionless they almost always still manage to put on a show in that ring, and AJ has only been doing that maybe half the time. Anyway, he shouts at various people for a while longer, before Bobby Roode comes out for their match.
AJ Styles vs Bobby Roode.
Ach this was ok. Should really have been a lot better though. Its all a bit too deliberately paced for my liking. It swings back and forth, before AJ gets Roode grounded and gets him in the calf killer. Roode breaks free and looks to take over, but his attempt at a perfect plex is reversed into a sloppy roll-up and AJ gets the win. Yet another nail in the coffin for this bad influence/roode stable as they go 0-2 in their solo ventures, and yet another wrestler who has been phoning in his efforts being put over undeservedly, while Roode and BI bust their arses every week. I've come to the conclusion that TNA must really dislike their fanbase now, as in they must have a genuine contempt for them, because whenever there is an angle to get genuinely excited about, it seems to be buried without fanfare. First it was the Aries/Suicide angle, which we got a whole week of excitement out of, and now this. Only a Daniels win later in the night could save it, and even that wouldn't be great, because it would be at the expense of the most consistent performer in the company...Austin Aries.
Christopher Daniels vs Austin Aries
Outstanding encounter between these two, and considering they are 2 of the top 3 wrestlers in the company right now, and probably both in the top 10 in the world also, it could hardly have been anything else. They have an exchange of catch wrestling, which ends with Aries hitting a picture perfect deep armdrag into an armbar. We then move to the outside, where Aries misses a baseball slide, before ducking out of the way of a moonsault attempt from Daniels, and then Aries has his suicide dive attempt countered with a swift kick to the head and I just don't even know whats happening at this point. Its almost too good to take it all in. Daniels then gets Aries grounded, before hitting a springboard moonsault. They exchange forearms/chops/punches before Aries gets the upper hand an unleashes rights, lefts, and ll in between (I have no idea what I mean by that..headbutts?) He then hits Daniels with the pendulum elbow, and at this point I allowed myself a brief, but heartfelt weep. This kind of match is what validates my probably misguided faith that TNA maybe isnt completely done for. Aries hits a top rope missile dropkick, and looks to be closing in on the win. he goes for the brainbuster, but Daniels blocks it. Its second time lucky for A double, after another scintillating exchange of moves and counters, as he hits the brainbuster for the win. For me, this one is up there with Bryan v Rollins, Bryan v Cesaro, Tanahashi vs Okada and Cesaro vs Zayn for MOTY. Absolutely outstanding.
So good, I almost don't want to even tell you what followed it. It was like that beautiful moment where you finally reach the top of the mountain you've been climbing, only to see the sharp, blonde haired, leather skinned descent that faces you on the way down. Hello Mr Bollea. I've been expecting you.
I said this a long time ago, but I re-iterate. The beginning and the end of a weekly wrestling show is how a great percentage of folks will remember it, and the fact that Hogan forces himself into at least one of these segments in every show he's on just tells you where his ego is at. He has this misguided sense of belonging when in reality he is about as welcome as gravel in a cheeseburger, as welcome as nails in an ice cream cone. As welcome as .........Brooke Hogan
Bully Ray comes out, and Hulk is all "brother...you will defend your belt brother, against an Aces and Eights member brother...in 2 weeks...brother...brother man...BRAH!" before then informing him he will face Sting next week in a title match. Sting emerges and makes a beeline for Bullys jaw, which was fun. Their match at Slammiversary was a belter, so this one next week should be no different. But lets not get bogged down with the positives here, lets instead remind ourselves that Bully uses the words "daddio" and "jack!" during his part of this promo, and he was by far the standout performer of it, before Hulk parodies Bullys "do you know who I am?" routine in the most awkward way possible. It was so bad, I'm convinced that if he took those sunglasses off, he'd reveal his eyes to had been replaced by two lizards fighting each other.
Overall this week Impact was largely horrendous, but its saved from being total crap by a MOTY candidate in Daniels vs Aries, and a MOTY candidate for womens wrestling is ODB vs Gail im. Huge lowlights were the Hogans involvement, the burial of Bad Influence and Roode, and the fact that I didn't get to see Eric Young be hilarious at any point. Also GARRETT BISCHOFF GOT TO SPEAK TWICE. I'm sorry for the caps, but it genuinely slipped my mind that he also spoke during the opening promo. Oh dear lord, who allowed this to happen? They MUST be held accountable.
Yeah. See the Daniels vs Aries match if you can. ODB vs Gail if you have the time, but I urge you to avoid most of the rest of this like the plague.
I'm sorry if the above seems harsh, but i calls it like I sees it. Be good. ;) I give it 5 spinning neckbreakers out of 10 (2 without the Gail v ODB match and the Daniels v Aries masterpiece)
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