WWE Raw Review 19th August 2013

Bah fuckin Humbug. Its aw humped so it is. This life we're living. Aimlessly gaun fae one disappointment tae the next it seems. Architects of our ain demise. Like a daft moth headin straight for a naked flame, or any daft bastard trying tae hit a cross-body on Mark Henry and no expectin tae be caught a slammed so hard it wid make the earth collapse. We aw seem tae be gluttons for punishment. At least thats the way I was seeing this cauld world we live in after Daniel Bryan realized his dream last night, only to have it snatched from his grasp by a coupla fuckin plebs trying tae crowbar their expressionless coupons intae relevance. AH HATE YEES.

So this RAW didnae only have tae make sense as a wrasslin show, It also have tae mend my broken hert. How it kicked aff wid be a huge indicator tae its ability tae get the job done, and it started wae a fuckin Cena solo promo. Early signs were not good troops. Nae gid ataw.


I'll start by saying I have always respected Cena, particularly his ability to have 5 star matches when the right opponent is put in front of him. His match with Lesnar was also 10x better than anything Triple H managed to produce against Brock. So he deserves credit for that. He also deserves huge credit for putting Daniel Bryan over clean as a whistle, and he most definitely deserves all the credit in the world for working that amazing match with Bryan while legitimately hurt, but do you know whit I've always fuckin hated about him? His solo promos. Just ayways the same shite. Some of the crowd hate me, some of the crowd love me, I split up wae the wife cause she caught me wrist deep, playin shadow puppets wae a dirty as fuck wee pornstar. It's boring meht. This promo is actually no bad though, as he puts the focus firmly on Bryan. Speaks of how glad he wis that he chose Bryan for the match, and that while it wisnae him making excuses for him losing cleanly (although it totally wis) but his torn tricep would mean at least 4-6 months on the shelf. This news is greeted by murmurs of discontent and booing and d'ye know whit? that can take itsell tae fuck anaw. The man fuckin earned the respect of even his maist vociferous haters with that fuckin match last night and the fact that he put Bryan over clean as a whistle, whilst working legitmately hurt anaw? whit fuckin mare dae yees want man. Crowd were wnaks aw night, but that's another story meht. Anyway, Cena summons Bryan tae the ring, tae the backdrop of another eardrum smasher of a pop.


Daniel Bryans promo work over the past month for me has elevated him to the next level. Proper heartfelt emotional ire, directed at Steph O Mac. She's the  main recipient of his wrath, cause she makes the fuckin stupit mistake of interrupting him before he even gets gaun. She speaks of her husbands decision being just "business" and Bryan calls her out for her rampant "bitchness". Its a braw promo meht.  Steph is the perfect fodder for DBry on this occasion, as he expresses his lack of regard for keeping his job with WWE, and if he was going to go out; it wid be wae a bang (hopefully literally, meanin 3 bullets, wan for Trips, Orton and Steph respectively). Rips intae Hunter anaw. Calling him a shadow of his former hell-raising self, and he places the blame for that solely on the iron jaw of the bosses daughter. Steph proceeds to talk down to Bryan, before the flaming wrath of everyone around the world watching combined to cause Steph to burst intae flames. Bryan proudly declares to us all that he's the next face of the company, and he'll have that belt back around his waist in nae time. Double fuckin quick time. Knocks the mic out of Stephs hand too, but she was reduced tae a pile of ashes at this point anyway. Daniel is escorted from the building for being too awe-inspiring for us to handle it anymore. Round 1 goes tae Daniel Bryan. Three solid lefts tae the chin, and a roundhouse tae the back of the heid. Gid offense.

Wrasslin eh? lets be huvin some

Damien Sandow vs Cody Rhodes

I was a wee bit disappointed this was on RAW. For me its a feud which has at least 2 PPV matches left in it. Tae see it on RAW feels like they might be looking to wrap it up sooner rather than later. I really hope that disnae mean an unwelcome return to midcard purgatory for Cody because he fuckin earned this braw wee push. Don't get me wrang, recently I've become a big fan of Sandows work tae, but Cody has been creating magic oota mediocrity since 2007 at least, its aboot time he turned that negative intae a "two thumbs pointed at the sky wae a bit cheeser on yer dial" typa positive Somewhat surprisingly Cody goes over again, catching Damien out with a rollup, to score another win over Mr MITB. This better be building tae a match for the briefcase, preferably involving one or a great many ladders. When I say a great many, I'm talking a maze of ladders facing them, and they huv tae sucessfully negotiate the maze just tae get near the ring. I'm a dreamer but meht, that's whit they've always tellt me. I aim too high. Aim high, shoot low. That's the name of the game or eh..... I dunno, suhin funny aboot Ted DiBiase Jr huvin his push shelved because he stuck two pennies up Vinces right nostril n cawed him "the two cent man" in a stupid a voice. Never huv got his sense of humour If I'm honest.

Brad Maddox backstage. Sweating through suit made of concrete blocks that he's wearin. He makes me uneasy meht. Know whit didnae make me uneasy but? him saying that due to Dolph Ziggler cawin Triple H a bad yin on Twitter, that he'd face The Shield in a 3 on 1 handicap match. Excellent booking, delivered fae the mouth of a man who has undoubtedly bashed a few oot tae bikini photies of burds he went tae high school wae.

A solo Heyman promo. He's praising Punks efforts in the match last night, but there's a deliberately patronising tone about it. I'm fuckin so intae it, yer needin tae scrape me aff that ceilin pal. Also fuckin loved the wee parody of Punk telling McMahon tae "apologise!" wae such force and passion in that iconic promo a coupla years ago. Just keep addin fuckin layers tae this brilliant feud guys, I dunno how yees can keep making it better, but I love watching ye top yersells every week.

Bellas/Funkadactyls promo backstage. Blah blah, somethin aboot the skillz tae pay the billz. I wisnae fuckin intrestit so I hud a game of Kerplunk wae mysel instead. I lost.

The Funkadactyls vs AJ and Layla

This was ariyteeee. Cameron and Naomi can both wrestle, and some of the action is decent tae watch. Finish wis botchy but, as Naomi rolls Layla up for the 3 count, only the ref seems to stop short of counting 3, and calls for the bell anyway. Another week, another botched finish. Like the products of Mike Rotundas left baw, this shit wis just too sloppy tae be happenin in the biggest wrasslin company in the world. And aye, fae now on I will be referring tae botched finishes as "a Bo Dallas" .

The Shield vs Dolph Ziggler (3 on 1 Handicap Match)

Absolutely loved this. Perfect booking if you ask me. Never has Dolph Zigglers almost unfathomable ability to sell moves had a more perfect setting. He makes all three members of The Shield look strong here, and in particular he has some wonderful exchanges with Ambrose. That's a potential feud of the year next year if it happens, mark these words comin oot ma fingers. Look at whit Dolph does here man, look at the subtle wee changes of pace/style tae suit whoever he's facing. The boay is almost too gid. He actually has you believing he has a chance of overcoming these odds, but it was The Shield who prevailed.  After breaking up a couple of near falls from Dolph, The Shield decide that'll dae. Dolph flips Seth Rollins tae the outside (he lands poorly btw, looks like a knee injury) before rushin towards Roman Reigns in the corner, only fur big Roman tae legitimately hauf him in two wae the maist perfect mid-air spear. Dolph sells it like a Kamikaze Pilot has just landed directly on tap of his heid anaw. I think he might genuinely be deid meht. A stunning finish to such a perfectly booked match, all parties come out looking strong. If Dolph wisnae deid before, he certainly wis noo as they hit him wae the Triple Powerbomb, before departing fur some Ciroc and a wee burlesque dancer each. In amongst it troops.

We keep hearing about Randy Orton being "coronated" as champion later in the night. Coronate mah fuckin baws. Bolt.

Sin Cara vs Alberto Del Rio

This was aw a fascinating mess. The finish was particularly odd, as Sin Cara hits a suicide dive on the outside only tae somehow break his ain haun. Becoming a parody of yourself here Sin Cara. Botched himself intae the doctors office once again. Del Rio continues to attack him even after the match is stopped, before getting on the mic to cut one of is trademark snoozefest promos.Suhin aboot Latinos finally huvin a cunt that needed Scotland own Drew McIntyre tae save him fae gettin a mare forceful doing than the one that currently had him sportin two black eyes. His aimless shite is interrupted by my main man Ricardo Rodriguez but. Thank fuck min. Ricardo is there tae tell him a few things. 1. His face is shite, and he needs a new face. 2. He wis shite tae ring announce fur, and he's got a new cunt tae dae that fur. 3. That new cunt is none other than ROB...VAN...DAM".
I'll tell ye nae lies, I mark for RVD these days meht. I've never had any trouble admitting when I'm wrang, and let me tell ye I wis wranger than a wrang thing on his hoalidays in Wrangsterdam when I predicted RVDs return wid be a pile of shite. He's worked nuhin but good matches since returning and wae the ADR/Ricardo element tae this feud, it might actually bring some heat tae the WH Title again. Fully expect RVD tae huv the belt within 6 weeks, like I fuckin tellt yees ages ago anyway ;)

The Real Americans vs The Prime Time Players

Ocht Zeb. I usually like his wee promos, but this yin jist felt like an auld nutcase sittin on a park bench on his tod, spittin oot vicious racism tae nae cunt in particular. I wisnae fur it. I also wisnae fur this match, as ye could see the finish coming a mile aff meht. After Darren Young coming out the closet last week, ye just knew he was gettin the pin, and while I had nae trouble wae that, I had tae cross my fingers, toes and nostrils and pray that it wisnae Cesaro he'd pin. Cesaro does his usual hing but and is the soundest of aw the cunts. Takin the gutcheck aff Young, and gettin pinned. Shoulda been that haddy Swagger but. Nice tae see the PTP finally gettin a tag push, although it really shouldnae have took Darren Youngs announcement tae secure it. As much as I'm no convinced by either of them in the ring, they're a coupla entertaining cunts.

Big Show segment backstage. He's informed by Sweaty Palms Maddox that due to his own comments about Triple H, he will also face The Shield in a 3 on 1 match. He receives this news with a smile, because these days Big Show is in shape, and ready to tap the jaw of anyone who dares get in his path. He'd smack fire out of god himself if he got in his road. He'd lift Godzilla up above his heid, spin uhm room 3 times and toss him in the Mediterranean Sea. He's big, lean and scary is the point here chief.

The next 20 or so minutes wis like the first time I ever had tramadol (toothache in case you're concerned, don't worry I'm fine now) A kind of numbness engulfs your whole body, but its not numb enough for you to block out the horrors unfolding in front of you. Surreal. First up we have some weird dance-off/footlocker advert, involving Zack Ryder, Justin Gabriel, Fandango and the model Rick Martel. That ends wae Ryder fillin a pair of pumas wae Pound coins and knockin the shite oota yer granda and aw yer mad uncles. Like I said mate. Surreal.

After a Summserslam recap, we then had...fuckin.....I honestly don't know.
Ryback bursts intae the aftermath of a staff volleyball game at the local high school. Aw the teachers are gettin their gear oan and gettin ready tae jet, but instead one of them has tae go "fetch" their bag, before Ryback makes him staun in the shower and fill said bag wae water. The whole time, Rybacks lit that "ughhhhhhh...thats it...soak it...soak yersell" Durty big fuckin creep ae a boay. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHIT YOU ARE MEHT.

Big Show vs The Shield

Perfect booking once more. Face Big Show makes me smile aw day. He just seems like a genuinely nice big fella, so playing that role in the wrasslin is nae sweat The match also just works, on every level. This time all 3 Shield members are in the ring at once, as opposed to them having to be tagged in against Dolph. Show looks really strong early, when he sets about all 3 of them. One problem with his assault, was the fact that he was a touch careless whilst throwing around Rollins, who legitimately seemed tae hurt his knee earlier in the show. Show is aw over the boays, seemingly drained fae huvin every move they gave Dolph sold tae fuck, but the numbers game gets too much. Show resists and hits a gid spear on Ambrose in the process, but the boays overpower him before hitting Show wae their most impressive triple powerbomb to date, to pick up another win as all three of the boys cover Show. I hear the Road Dogg has a big hand in booking these days, and I'd like tae personally thank the cunt for nae doubt being responsible for this good shit. Ye were awyways one of my guys back in the day anyway, but the fact yer no an egotistical moron and that ye clearly know yer shit makes me happy. Gid man.  

A CM Punk promo. Yer in the presence of greatness here people. The single greatest storyteller in professional wrestling today, maybe all-time. I don't think that's because he's the best wrestler of all time. Because he isn't. Nor do I think he's the best on the mic all time (although he's fuckin up there) but the way he combines these talents to tell us something new every week is something truly joyous to behold. Every word he says is music tae my ears. Every line paints a beautiful picture in my heid. Colours spewin oot it. This promo is no different. He begins by completely chastising a fat cunt in the audience who had the audacity tae gie him lip and invites the rotund gentleman to direct his grievances to Punks face. The guy literally shites it, and runs straight oot the building, grippin the seat of his cargo shorts like they're lined wae gold bars, or at least Mars bars. Punk is "pissed off" and why wouldn't he be? having saw his mentor and former manager scupper his chances of slaying the beast. He responds to Heymans invitation to apologise, by apologizing for verbally decapitating Heyman wae this very promo we were watching. Heyman returns the favour, but his apology is for the beating Curtis Axel is about tae hand oot tae Punk. Punks no gien a fuck but, come ahead Perfects spunk, lets see whit yer made of eh. Lets see if yer brawlin skills as as fertile as you were when ye crawled up n fertilized that egg.
Whit follows is just a fuckin scrap man. First time Axel husnae been a total irrelevance since this feud started as he does a solid wee Brock impression early on when he chucks Punk aboot. Punk gets the upper hand though, and Heyman begins tae retreat down the aisle. Fearing that he's next efter Punks done wae Axel. Axel gets in the ascendency again but, and as he does, Heyman edges closer tae the ring, while Axel takes the edge of a steel chair tae Punks melt. He sets Punks leg up in the chair, while Heyman screams at him tae "Break his leg, like he broke my heart!" awwww just too fuckin gid man. Too gid. Punk moves before his leg can be broken but, and batters Axel aff the steel steps twice before GTS'ing his stupit face aff. Heyman looks fearful, but Punk disnae go for him this time. That will happen but. punks gonnae gie him a doin for real and it will be fuckin memorable.

The same heart which lay in a million pieces 23 hours earlier after Orton cashed in, was once more full of the joys. How could it not be after that stunning match Brock and Punk served up, followed by this magnificent segment? this is whit its aw aboot. This is why we watch this shit.

Bray Wyatt vs R-Truth

WOW. I dinnae mean that like I was taken aback by how good this was. I mean it as in WOW.
W(aste)
O(f)
W(yatt).
Nae promo, nae Kane progression. Nae fuckin point. Bray gets the win with Sister Abigail and that was all she wrote. Aside from the Ryback depravity, this was the only part of the show which made no sense to me. Waste of fuckin time. Follow the buzzards Kane meht. Aw the sound cunts are daein it.

The Usos vs Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal

Ach this warmed my wee hert so it did. As much as it shoulda been Heath and Drew, it wis still nice tae see 3MB involved in a real match, where they didnae end up lookin like one big three heided diddy. The match is competitive, and its gid of The Usos tae let the lads look strong, but Rikishis lads prevail as Jimmy or Jey lays Jinder out with a superkick, before performing an eye watering dive/tag landing on Drew and Heath on the outside, while his brother hits a splash on Jinder to pick up the win.

Wade Barrett vs The Miz

Imagine these cunts in a real fist fight man. Barrett wid just dismantle this wank. Only cunt on the roster I'm fuckin CERTAIN I could gie a doin. He widnae evn see my right hook comin meht. Aw he'd see is a puff of smoke and a flash of raw power. Lights oot. The match disnae grab me ataw, but I liked the finish. As Miz has that fuckin attrocity of a Figure 4 locke din, Fandango comes rushin oot and hits him wae the flying legdrop. Double DQ or suhin. I dunno, I'm just happy we didnae huv tae suffer any more Miz.

Braddox fights through seemingly unprovoked tears to tell Steph that Daniel Bryan is back in the building. YES! YES! YES!

Coronation time. Nut. If there wisnae the prospect of beard tae come, I'd have went tae bed at this point. Fuck this noise.

Coronate ma baws. The segment starts wae Triple H emerging through a team of wrasslers gathered on the stage. I dunno why they're gathered there really, aside fae them bearing witness tae Bryans humiliation a wee bit later, it wis pointless. Musta got stiff legs anaw, cause this went on for a good 20 minutes. After Vince congratulates him for seeing the light wae regards to Bryan no being able to carry the company, Trips gets on the mic and then the white noise starts. "blaaaaaaaaaah....you fans make me laugh....blahhhh...I count Daniel Bryan as a friend...blahhhhh ever since Warrior no-sold that pedigree I gave him at mania, I huvnae slept a fuckin wink, thats why my face has mare lines than Ricky Hatton when he's oot on the randan". They summon Bryan tae the ring after Orton spits oot some irrelevant bullshit, but Bryan cannae get near as The Shield, who are there tae guard the living embodiment of pure evil that lurks in the ring, intercept and then knock the living shite oot him. They try tae make him the third member of that evenings Triple Powerbomb tail of woe, but Trips stops them. Let him intae the ring he says.  He clearly has something to say, and no sooner has he stepped through the ropes before he eats a DIAMOND CUTTER OUTTA NOWHERE. VINTAGE DIAMOND DALLAS ORTON. Trips, Vince, Steph and Randy then aw wank each other aff, as our hero lies broken. Defeated. Deflated. My heart shattered in a billion pieces once again. A dull yin.

Overall despite my personal grief at Daniel Bryans continued poor treatment, and the fact that Cesaro got pinned. This wis a gid RAW. For emotional grief, and further Punk/Heyman progression it wis braw. Smashin bookin for the Shield, Dolph and Show and Bryans first promo was another stoater. Could have done withoot the Miz appearance, and the lack of progress wae The Wyatts, but it still levels oot tae smashin wee score of 9 Kimora Locks oota 10.

Remember team, if its up the tap end eh yer scheme, or in the middle of LIDL mixin up aw the flavours of Ice Poles. These cunts are professionally trained performers. Do NOT fuckin try this shit at home, unless yer beds solid as fuck like. Then its sound.