I wis in a real sombre mood when I tuned intae Smackdown this week. So much so that I felt it had to win me over. If it started poorly, that wis it...gave over sir. I wis gonnae take up wine drinking, just so I had an aerodynamic glass to chuck at the tele that might not wake anyone up when it shattered into a million pieces.
Luckily for wine glasses everywhere, I was sold in the first 30 seconds when Michael Cole informs us all that the main event of the evening would be a culmination of this slightly unsatisfying Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett feud. A feud which has been going on for over a month now if you count their early matches before the whole beard incident on RAW, but only 1 of their 4 matches to date had gone past 5 minutes if I mind richt. A waste of the most talented wrestler on the roster, and a missed opportunity to push Barrett. If both of those things wurnae rectified tonight, cunts were just askin tae huv their jaws tapped. Beggin fur it.
As if the Daniel Bryan announcement wisnae enough, to show itself kicks off wae a fuckin Bray Wyatt promo. Perhaps his best one tae date. Well every promo kinda feels like that at the time, because its always so fresh and spine tingling in a different way. This time its less of yer measured, and calculating Bray, as he allows his voice tae go aw mental as he speaks. Utterly captivating ma man. For me this is basically a mare wordy extension of his antics on RAW when he sunk tae his knees as Kanes pyro went off. He's no feart. Ring of fire wis made for Bray Wyatt. He wis ready to drink it in. So are the boys Harper and Rowan. The promo is brought tae an abrupt end by Kanes music, as he descends on the ring by cannonballing ootae a helicopter. Amazingly despite his entrance being fairly noisy and easy tae see, naecunt notices him and he gets tae deliver some sumptuous rights tae the eye sockets of Harper n Rowan, before the lads overpower him and Bray hits him wae Sister Abigail. Aw what a beautiful way tae kick us off. Bad mood VANQUISHED.
Damien Sandow vs Christian
Gid shit chief. I enjoyed this a huge amount. For aw I'm a bit underwhelmed at the lack of character progression wae Christian since he's been back, the man's been terrin it up in the ring. This also proved just how gid Sandow is in the ring, which really wisnae allowed to show during his match wae Orton on RAW, cause that shit bored me stupit. It wisnae terrible, but my mind slipped intae another realm during it, and in that realm I used my Kenta Kobashi moonsault to make aw the pretty fair skinned ginger lassies faw in love wae me. So really, any match on at that time couldnae live up tae the scenario playin out in my heid. Also, Christian wins wae a rollup, helping strengthen his claim for the belt. Then that sleekit wee diddy ride of a boay Alberto Del Rio attacks Captain Charisma, but as he goes tae lock in the Cross Armbreaker, Christian reverses into the Killswitch and actually KILLS Alberto Del Rio. First time the Killswitch has lived up tae its name, fair play. The WH Title is declared vacant, and a returning Kevin Nash will battle Santino for it in a 120 minute Iron Man match at Summerslam.
RVD promo backstage. Chattin some noise about the Ambrose match. Then he's joined by the boldest of aw the bold, Mark Henry and the Big Show. Show is lookin trim ma man. Musta been oan Atkins during his time aff or suhin. Gid news so it is, cause the less jiggle he has in his wiggle, the better his in-ring work becomes. Aye, the three of them face The Shield in a 6 man tag later, so that should be braw. Fuckin flawless Smackdown so far kid. Cannae whack it.
Kaitlyn and Natalya vs AJ and Layla
Kaitlyn and Natalya in the same fuckin team? ye whit? I immediately start thinkin grossly impure thoughts about another thing they could "team up" tae take care of but NAW. Review the wrasslin ffs. Professionalism. So aye, the match kicks off wae Kaitlyn slowly unzip...I mean whit? It starts aff wae Natalya and Layla gaun at it. Infact the bulk of the 4 minutes is Natalya in there wae either of WCC (Wee Cow Collective, incase yer unaware) before tagging Kaitlyn in, and Kaitlyin slowly kisse....naw wait. I mean she gets hit wae the shining wizard aff AJ and the WCC have their victory. My own personal victory would come later, when this vivid imagination of mine wid be pit tae good use.
Hahahahahahaahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaa naw Ryback. Just naw. He starts this backstage promo by repeating whit Renee Young says tae him word for word, in a stupid voice. Just naw mate. He then attacks another backstage employee for nae reason, and yer no entirely sure if he's gonnae shag him or no tbh. His disnae but, just throws him aboot a bit. Utter fuckin drivel. Sick in ma mooth. The first lowlight of this stoater of a Smackdown.
The Shield vs Mark Henry, RVD and The Big Show
Back on track serrr. This was gid eatin. I liked how all 6 of the wrasslers involved engaged in some good wrasslin. If I was tae list the main things I look for from a 6 man tag match, I'd have good wrasslin second behind "all 6 men teaming up tae make a human pyramid" but I've yet tae see the first yin happen, which makes me sad aw day. Its a cracker of a match troops, perhaps the best 6 man match The Shield have been involved in since the one with Taker, Kane and Bryan. It ends wae Show hitting the knockout punch on Ambrose and RVD hitting him wae the 5 star frog splash for the win. Gie WWE their due, they've finally got me excited enough about a pre-show match tae actually bother my cunt watchin it, so unless I get caught up playin the XBOX, or watchin Forgettin Sarah Marshall for the 15th time, I'll be in amongst it.
The Miz vs Jack Swagger
Naw. Cesaro comes down the aisle and disnae wrestle? Nut. No reviewin it. I will mention that Zeb tells the Miz why everyone hates him (apparently he's the cunt that introduced doughnuts tae Val Venis) but apart fae that, naw. No daein it. Add the fact that Cesaro and Zeb get sent backstage intae the mix anaw, and ye've got a potent stream of get tae fuck on the go. Get this tae fuck.
Curtis Axel vs Zack Ryder
Has Zack Ryder ditched the Long Island Ice Z gimmick tae just be a run of the mill jobber? Woo Woo fuckin Woo, you ken it. It wis fun while it lasted eh Zack meht, but yer time's oot. Take the loss, and take yersel up that road. Axel wins wae that twisty neckbreaker thing he does that I dinnae like ataw. Just use the perfect plex meht, or at least somethin hauf decent. The main reason for this match is tae allow Heyman a chance to cut a promo, and boy, he disnae let us down. Another beauty of a promo regarding this Punk vs Lesnar match. A stoater. Best vs Beast. I'm so amped for this shit, it makes me hyperventilate. Paper bag breathin. Trying tae stay alive long enough tae see Chick Magnet/Chicago Made Punk reign supreme.
Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett (No DQ Match)
Fuckin great match. There's a lot about Wade Barrett I shouldnae like, being a season ticket bearing Sellik man. He's a tory (couldnae gie a fuck) He's pro-monarchy (only gie a modicum of a fuck) and He lists Rangers amongst his supported fitbaw teams (FUCK THIS FUCKIN CUNT...nah I'm kiddin, if it wis Hearts it might be a different story, cause fuck Hearts) but I've always been a fan of his. As brawlers go, his work never bores me, and he's awrite on the mic. This was by far the standout match of this mini feud. Along with some gid wrasslin exchnages, they baith took shots of each of gaun tae town on the others spine wae a kendo stick. Walloped each other daft so they did. Vince approaches, and wae the ref up at the concession stand gettin a bovril, he ushers Braddox doon tae special guest ref this shit, but Triple H stops that nonsense and he instead counts the 3 for Bryan after he hits the diving headbutt. Here's the thing about McMahon and Trips being so invested in this. Naw. stop it. Triple H raising DBrys hand and joining in the YAS! chants wis one of the most awkward hings I've ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Yer tea's oot trips. Fuckin go away meht.
Overall despite some low moments, Smackdown had aw ye want from the last televised event before a big PPV. Every match on the card was covered in some way, but a lack of Ziggler and Cesaro puts a dampner on it. A steady 7.25 Vader Bombs oota 10.
Remember troops, if yer operating any kind of heavy machinery early on Monday (and aye, that does include yer airms if yer a built cunt) do NOT watch Summerslam LIVE. It wid be irresponsible, and you could bring harm tae yersell and others. If yer Monday schedule is free n clear, I suggest ye roll up summa that Lemon Haze, get a jugfi of some sexy cocktail and and strap yersell in for 3 hours of magnificence.
YES! YES! YES!
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