Ye know me by now eh, I'm aw aboot the honesty, so I'll level wae yees here. I didnae see the first half hour of this weeks Smackdown. SKY are wanks when it comes to scheduling it. Last week it wis on at hauf 11, and this week it wis inexplicably on at 9. I've barely drapped my first E by 9 ffs, how am I supposed tae focus on anythin?
(Disclaimer...The above wis just a wee funny....I don't do drugs...much)
I've got the jist of how the first half hour went down though, so I'll fraudulently review it anyway cause that's how much I care about giein ye the whole story. The whole kit n caboodle. The hale whack.
Vickie Guerrero comes oot, reveals to the world that "I BEEELEEEVE IN GRAAAAAAAAAADO" then does a Sin Cara dive out the ring and breaks her ankle. Oot comes Randy Orton after that to deliver a really riveting promo abou...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Our slumber is ended by Daniel Bryan emerging to get Randy tellt. He thanks Cena for the match first, which apparently got booed. That horrendous patter needs addressed imo, so I'm gonnae put a wee note tae fans at WWE live shows, in italics n everything..here it comes...
Dear fans at WWE Live Shows
I know its hard tae fight aw yer natural urges, but please, for even just one show, try n no be a team of utter dicks.
John Cena is a limited in ring performer, and occasionally cuts dire promos on his own, but given the right opponent (for matches and promos) he is easily one of the top 5 performers in the company, and has continually worked through personal troubles and injuries for YOU. Tae gie YOU somethin tae enjoy, or somethin tae boo if thats yer thing. John Cena is a multi millionaire, he disnae fuckin NEED tae dae anythin with torn triceps, but he worked that match wae Daniel Bryan because he believed that him putting Bryan over clean as a whistle was vital for Bryan. He sacrificed his own well being to put your hero (and mine) over, and they worked a fantastic match in the process, so whit fuckin more dae you nae good, sweaty ersed, smark wanks want fae John Cena exactly? blood? a kidney? d'ye want a gid feel of his pecs? Whitever yer thing is, he'd prolly oblige cause thats how much he actually gies a fuck about the fans. Randy Orton however, wid quite gladly stub a cigar oot in yer eye if he felt there was some justification for it. He's yer current champion. He's the real bad guy. If yer gonnae boo someone, boo him (which they did to be fair..but still fuck them)
So cut it oot eh. The next time ye see Cena I want the pop tae be heard fae Boston tae Beirut.
Yours in distress
Martin Smith (Wrasslin Reviewer/Joke Teller/Former SPL sticker book completer)
Anyway aye, Bryan informs Randy that the only reason he's got the belt is cause triple H wants to shag him, and he lets him know that he wan ts it back. He's taking it back. Nae danger. If Superman Cena gets pinned clean wae that sexy flying knee, Orton will be doon for a Big E Langston 5 count. Listen troops, ye've got a month between now and Night Of Champions, use that time to get a decent belt made for Bryan eh. Something that resembles a beard for yer waist (steady)
The whole saga ends with Orton gaun for the RKO, Bryan blocking it and dropkicking his stupid melt aw the way tae Jupiter.
Vickie Guerrero backstage, talking about Bryan had nae business being oot there. Bryan has business being anywhere he wants hen, you behave yersell wae that patter. She reveals Bryan will face Wade Barrett in a cage match later, and that makes me dae the Carlton dance fae Fresh Prince.
Cody Rhodes vs Curtis Axel
Lovely match. Its a shame I'm losing interest in Axel a wee bit, because the cunt can work. In terms of technical proficiency, yer man is a bawhair aff his auld dads standard. Nae jokes ma man, nae kiddin. Didnae like the finish right enough. Cody goes up top, and Heyman distracts him, leading to Axel hitting that jaunty neckbreaker thing that I'm no a fan of and getting the win. after 2 wins over Sandow, ye've got Cody jobbin tae Axel? nut. No a fan of this ataw. Nor was I a fan of the horrendous promo Axel cut, challenging Punk to a match on RAW, while the anxiety pish ran doon his leg. Its only a mic Curtis meht, nae need tae be so feart of it. It'll no bite. Heyman talks briefly anaw so that kinda offsets Axels shiteness a wee bit, but no enough.
Dolph Ziggler vs Big E Langston
So fuckin sad that this hasn't been a PPV feud. Just daft booking when you consider how irrelevant the WH Title has been since the last ADR vs Ziggler match. The greatest of respect to Christian like, but has anyone gied the beginnings of a fuck about any of his matches with Del Rio? Or the VT of his career they shoved in our coupons before the Summerslam match? naw, cause they've done literally nothing with his character since he's been back. He could be a fuckin heel for aw we know. Anyway, this match is another good yin. Short, but entertaining, cause these two have smashin chemistry. Big E attacks Dolph before he's done with his wee show off routine, and that means Dolph disnae get the chest oot. AJ gies him a wee dunt during this match anaw, but he STILL prevails after hitting the Zigzag. I'm accepting of peoples preferences n that, each tae their own, but if yer no a Dolph Ziggler guy/burd we cannae be pals. Sorry.
Christian vs Alberto Del Rio
Fatigue. That was the word floating about my heid throughout here. They essentially work the same match as the Summerslam one, with Christian looking strong before tapping to the cross armbreaker after a wee struggle. I didnae see the point ataw, and then Del Rio cuts the same promo he did on RAW, only for Ricardo Rodriguez tae come oot and cut the same promo he did on RAW and at this point I wis wondering if me having seen all of these events wis aw in my heid. A 6th sense for wrasslin. The ghost of wrasslin future.
Ricardo introduces RVD and he approaches the ring, but this time something different happened! Christian hits ADR wae the belt, and RVD uses the the big red patch on ADRs napper tae light up a wee doob, and him and Ricardo get wellness policied oot their nuts sir. He also hits Ricardo with the Rolling Thunder, cause anything tae dae wae rolling....RVD is in therr lit swimwear.
The Big Show and Mark Henry vs 3MB
I have mixed emotions about this alliance. As much as its gid tae see Big Show as a face, and its nice tae see Mark Henry display his real life soundness on a weekly basis in the wrasslin, but at the same time, this isnae what I want for big Mark. he earned the right tae be in the WWE Title picture, and he's been shelved in that regard. If there's a guy in the company mare deserving of at least one reign wae that belt (Bryan has had one technically so he disnae count) show me him. Show me someone who's worked harder and put as many people over as big Mark. Ye cannae. Its no possible. Match is a total squasher, which is a shame cause 3MB looked awrite against the Usos on RAW. Show gets the win wae the KO punch and thats that.
Shield appear on the titantron talking smack about Mark Shownry(team name mibbe needs work...the worlds most dangerous strongmen? big ol boadies? ach we'll come up wae suhin) Disappointing that this is the road they're taking the tag belts down, after pushing a real tag team in The Usos.
Antonio Cesaro vs Darren Young
Speaking of disappointing. Yees know fine well by noo I'm a huge Cesaro fanboy. How could I fuckin no be? in terms of wrasslin, he's perfect. So this was a fuckin abomination. A total injustice. A kick square in the baws after seeing that unbelievable match Cesaro worked with Sami Zayn on NXT. Considering how good Cesaro is, the lack of offense he got in here was tantamount to a squash match. Utter fuckin shite, I respect Darren Young for coming out and aw that, but this is an undue and overblown push imo. He is a good wrestler, and displays that here, but nowhere near the standard of Cesaro. Anyway, he wins with the Gutcheck. Making it two pinfall wins over Cesaro in a week. Unless this leads tae Cesaro knockin his cunt in on RAW. I AINT HAPPEH.
I never thought I'd say this but please...for the love of fuckin christ, get Ryback in the ring. ENOUGH wae these creepy as fuck backstage promos. This yin is the least logical one yet, as we appear to have a fan backstage lookin for his autograph. Ryback refuses at first, and calls the guys son a "total jerk and a dilhole and a jerk and a bad little guy" before assuring the man that he was "only pullin his leg" and signs the autograph. The man then looks at it and asks who Ryback is because he "hasnt seen you guys in a while" See if ye huvnae seen them in a while, whit in the name of fuck are ye daein backstage? The promo ends wae Ryback shaggin a wee dug. Or something. Fuck knows.
Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett (Steel Cage Match)
Crackin. I'm properly chuffed that this wee feud finally led to a couple of great matches. This was a feast for the eyes so it wis. Fulla lovely wee spots. Barrett nealry knocks Bryan clean oot the cage with that bullhammer elbow thing, before Barrett is on the top rope, looking to climb out the cage, only for Bryan to hit him with a stoater of a powerbomb as he flips himself roon from the right side of Barrett. (that makes nae sense really, its a move ye'd have to see, I'm usually no bad at articulating these things, but this shit was unusual tae say the least) The match continues to be braw, and is brought to a close when Bryan hits Barrett with that fuckin brutal flying knee and picks up the win.
Smashing end to a largely good Smackdown, as Bryan skips roon the ring giein it aw that "YES! YES! YES! patter, only for him to be hit with the DIAMOND RKO CUTTER OUTTA NOWHERE. As much as this made sense to make the Champion look strong, I'd still like to tell it tae fuck off.
Tae summarise, aside from Cesaro getting fucked ower, and that horrendous Axel promo, it was another solid edition of Smackdown and for that reason i gie it 7.46 kneebars oota 10.
Remember. The example you create will be followed by yer bairns and any other youngsters who look up to ye, so stay safe. Don't try this at home.
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