TNA Impact Review 22/08/2013 (Part 2 of Hardcore Justice)

Oh TNA. Why must you tease me so.

So many weeks of Hogan based depression and expecting disappointment but then 2 shows out of 3 are actually pretty good and suddenly I feel positive about the world again. Here's the big problem with me feeling positive about the world....my capacity to ridicule bad wrestling shows goes numb. Totally limp. Like Tito Otiz' arms as he rushed towards the ring last week, it just goes kind of...wooden.

This weeks Impact was the second, of the aforementioned 2 good shows in 3 weeks, and as the rest of this review will tell you. I liked a large amount of it. This made me feel a bit odd. Like I accidentally huffed some paint, and drifted in and out of another realm. A happier realm. One where the only memories of Hulk Hogan are the iconic ones, and Scott Steiner promos play on a loop. A land where Psycho Sid really does have half the brain that I have,  and despite my ethnicity…Booker T is comin for me N…….!

The night begins with a promo with Bad Influence and Bobby Roode. When you consider that 2 weeks previously the opening promo was Sabin, Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan, this is the stuff dreams are made of. They speak of how coming together has made them so much stronger with regards to the BFG series, but there is still one missing piece of the puzzle. That piece is none other than Austin Aries. They urge Aries to join the alliance, by uttering the never to be forgotten phrase “3 may be a crowd, but 4 is a slightly bigger crowd, thus increasing our level of power in the company”…ok I made that up; sorry for misleading you. James Storm and Gunner emerge. Roode and Storm exchange insults, the most hilarious of which was Storm telling Roode the only thing he's jealous of with regards to him is "the fact that he has that 6 pack, and I only got 2 left" He then informs Roode he's going to calmly place his beer down out of the way of danger, roll his sleeves up and KNOCK ROODE THE FUGG OUT. Instead of doing that they have an impromptu no DQ tag match. This was a fun promo to kick us off. Can barely believe I'm typing that, but it was. Honestly. No really. It was.

Storm and Gunner vs Kaz and Roode

No idea how they came to the conclusion that Daniels would be the one sitting this out, but aye. It was a decent enough brawl. Everyone wore jeans. It was like if the Smoking Gunns wrestled the Godwins, apart from less body odour and casual racism. Roode hits Storm with a low blow and gets the win. Nothing much to write home about as a match tbh. I would rather have seen these 4 in a proper tag match, with some wrestling and lycra.

Aries promo backstage. Talking about how he's been asked to join both the MEM and Roode Influence lately, but he trusts neither of them. He will go to whichever stable buys him the most expensive gift, and even then. There still won’t be trust. There will be brainbusters though.

Sonjay Dutt vs Manik

 This wasn't for the belt, and it was the result of TNAs new policy to have ALL X-Division matches be 1-on-1 now. Which to me seems very rigid, considering that's the division of the company which became known for its innovation. The match is good. Very entertaining affair. I don’t think Sonjay Dutt is capable of anything else really and as much as I think the gimmick is offensive to the senses, Manik can work too. Manik blocks Sonjays moonsault attempt, and then catches his attempt at a hurricanrana, before hitting him with the Lungblower for the win. Excellent match. No complaints about the show so far, which was relieving and sickening in equal measure.

Aces and Eights promo backstage, talking about the upcoming 5 on-5 match with the Main Event Mafia.

Main Event Mafia promo backstage, talking about the upcoming 5-on-5 match with Aces and Eights.

I looked at the clock, it said "2.42am" and I wondered how many wrong turns it took in my life for it to get to this stage.

I jest of course, these promos were necessary for build up the match, but you know what wasn't necessary? at all? the match itself. Especially after Angle went to rehab, they just should have binned the whole storyline if you ask me. The man who gets pinned in that match later leaves TNA btw. That's a nugget of info you'll need as we press on. Memorise that.

Hernandez vs Jay Boreadley vs Joseph Park vs Christopher Daniels

Never been more convinced of anything in my life (aside from the fact if I ever met Daniel Bryan I'd evaporate into a pool of sweat, tears and joy) than I was that Daniels was winning this. It seemed so obvious. It definitely wouldn’t be Hernandez, or Bradley. Park had an outside chance at best, but really; Daniels winning made the most sense. The match is barely worth discussing tbh. Not horrible, but the usual sort of affair when you get more than 3 men in a hardcore match. Just messy. Especially when two of those men are the messiest wrestlers in the company. Aries slides down the ramp on a water ski, seemingly ready to join this Roode Influence stable, but just when everything looks rosy, Roode and Kaz turn their backs and Aries hits Daniels with the Brainbuster, before disappearing into the night. I really can’t recall where Daniels went after this, but Park and Bradley are in the ring next, and Park sees his own mouth bleeding,  has an "Abyss" attack, and hits Bradley for the Black hole Slam for the win. Nice double swerve from TNA here, first on the Daniels not winning, and secondly on the Aries turning on Roode/B.I.

So that was the first hour over with and TNA had been hugely enjoyable. This of course has to mean that THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.

Another MEM Mafia promo. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They failed last week. Bully Ray, Aces and Eights...etc..etc. Booooo.

Next up is Bully Ray and Tito Ortiz approaching the ring. What the hell is wrong with Tito Ortiz man? he walks like he's 50 percent concrete, and talks like he's 100 percent brain-dead. Rampage is almost passable, as long as he stays quiet but there's just something wrong with everything that Ortiz does in a wrasslin ring. Ultimately Bully saves it with an excellent heel promo, saying how he doesn't consider himself to me a 2 time Champion, because he doesn't recognise Sabins reign. Something about the Ortiz heel turn being the plan all along, and then he reveals the Brooke he was talking about last week to be none other than Brooke Tessmacher. Brooke Tessmacher does not offend all of my senses at once like the other Brooke. In fact she stimulates a few of my senses in a good way, and despite the horrendous kiss exchanged between her and Bully, this promo also gets pass marks from me. MEM/Aces and Eights backstage promos, and anything involving Ortiz aside, it had all been pretty good. Madness.

Gail Kim vs ODB

Speaking of stimulating senses in a good way...

I spoke of my desire to eat pancakes with both the competitors(for very different reasons) in this one on Twitter, whilst I had a wee buzz on, but I won't subject you good people to such filth. It was an excellent wrestling match, so let’s say things about that instead shall we?

Great back and forth between these two, and the pace was steady throughout. Encouraging to see ODB back wrasslin regularly, and even greater see her hit a superplex in this match. Gail got the win with the crucifix pin though. Leaving both her, and ODB with wins in the past two weeks, meaning....another triple threat match with them and Mickie I assume? they seem to be the only knockouts left at this point. Unless you count Christy Hemme (which I do not)

Another Aries backstage promo. Both of his promos on this show were very well done. Clear, concise and engaging. Some of his promo work had been so-so over the past couple of months, but that’s probably because of how poor the subject matter has been. This angle with Bad Influence, Roode and Aries is exactly what these 4 guys needed. Along with Samoa Joe and AJ Styles, these are the guys who should be the central figures in TNA. I'm encouraged that someone with some influence seems to have realised this, but not hopeful it will become a permanent change in direction tbh. I'm still feeling the burn from that amazing Aries/Suicide angle being canned the very next week to trust TNA fully. Why oh why.

Aces and Eights (Garrett Bischoff, Wes Brisco, Ken Anderson, D-Von and Mike Knox)

VS

The Main Event Mafia (Sting, Magnus, Rampage Jackson, Samoa Joe and a mystery partner)

Loser of the fall leaves TNA

Aces and Eights come out. Not on motorbikes, because they are a biker gang without bikes. Without a bike, what does a "Biker Gang" become? just an "R Gang"? that's one of those questions we may never know the answer to folks. Anyway, Ken Anderson urges Bully, Tito and Brooke to come out and watch them wipe the floor with the shorthanded MEM. They do emerge to watch over proceedings, and the photo below sums up my reflections on Tito Ortiz arm movements perfectly.

I mean, whats he uptae there? checkin if his keys are still in his pocket? has he had a mild stroke and his right side has gone limp? whats the fuckin matter wae this guy ataw. Mental.

The MEM aren't having ANY of that and decide to announce that they do have a 5th man to join them and its none other than AJ STYLES. Not just any AJ Styles...AJ STYLES WITH SHORTER HAIR AND AN ABILITY TO GIVE MORE THAN A PASSING SHIT. This was a nice swerve also, and I enjoyed seeing AJ look into his work again.

A brawl between all 10 men ensues, before we get into some truly turgid 5 on 5 tag wrestling. It really doesn't help when one half of the match is a team made up of low-mid carders, and the other has an MMA fighter. My guess for the pin was Mike Knox, but I hoped and prayed for it to be Garrett Bischoff. It was actually neither of those two, and nor was it the other very logical choice (Wes "Meth and Sunbeds" Brisco) but it was D-Von who got pinned after AJ hit him with the Styles Clash.

Advantage MEM in this really meaningful and exciting Stable vs Stable feud. I can't wait to see what happens next week! haha. Really though, if this isn’t the end of this feud I may find myself gouging my eyes out with spoons next week rather than be subjected to any more of it.

Overall though, an excellent Impact. As usual it was dragged down by some awful promo work and the Main Event wasn’t very good, but for all the Roode/Bad Influence/Aries stuff, and the matches between Dutt v Manik and Gail Kim vs ODB, its gets an impressive 7 suicide dives out of 10.