WWE Summerslam Review

Fuckin rained aw day so it did.. Summerslam my hole. Summer should be aw about happiness, clear skies, doon that park? fitbaw. A wee cornetto, eyein up the lassies in the wee dresses. Aw that good shit. The events of yesterday wurnae about summer ataw. It was rain. Aw sadness. Waturr comin fae the skies, and later comin fae my eyes.

My names Martin. I'm a 24 year old man who writes wrasslin reviews, and despite being fully aware that wrasslin is a living, breathing work of fiction, designed to evoke these emotions fae us. I'M IN A HUFF.

"Aye but, if yer raging does that no mean they done a good job?"
Nae offense mate, but ye can take yer logical point of view, slather it in baby oil, and stick it straight up yer stupit erse. No interestit.

Pre-Show

Dean Ambrose vs RVD (US Title Match)

Braw opener. Should have been on the main card if ye ask me. They get a good 12-13 minutes and they maximise them tae fuck. RVD looks like he has the upper hand before Rollins and Reigns emerge, only for Big Show and Mark Henry tae provide RVDs hauners. They really should have sat on Rollins n Reigns but, cause that would have prevented the shanner of a finish. As RVD hits the frog splash, Reigns rushes in and spears him, leading tae the DQ. Hated that Ambrose didnae go over clean, but still. Mare proof that if ye put him in a singles match wae someone good, ye get magic.

The Miz emerges, lookin like the only bingo caller on planet earth that I widnae shag. He's just the worst. Nae wrasslin event has ever needed a "host" either btw, but if yer gonnae have one, don't make it a cunt who's voice is lit runnin yer nails doon a chalkboard of cheese. Yer a cringy cunt, and I'm being totally sincere when I say I'd rather watch him wrassle for a week straight than listen tae him cut another boggin face promo. Fandango emerges, dances aboot and Miz goes "really". Way tae huv millions of people regrettin shellin oot 15 quid for this shit. Gross misuse of Johnny Curtis anaw, don't even get me fuckin started on that.

Some burd emerges tae sing the national anthem. It isnae the Swiss national anthem, so that means nae surprise Cesaro yodelling appearance. She gets booed tae fuck cause of her affiliation wae Total Divas.  Also cause she's cawed JoJo and that reminds everyone of Rev Runs shitest wean.

Bray Wyatt vs Kane (Ring Of Fire Match)

The match wis never gonnae be much tae write home aboot. It was always about the finish. It was always about Kane following the buzzards. The match wisnae bad though, visually stunning, as the fire engulfed the ring. Whenever either man hit a high impact move, the flames got higher and mare aggressive. Beautiful. Whenever Harper and Rowan tried tae approach? nut. Eat some burny hoat fire. They'd be wise tae steer well clear anaw, cause if they beards were tae catch fire, thats game over for them in terms of "huvin a face" . Harper and Rowan are joined at ringside by some nice firemen, and at one point Harper bonds wae one of them over a mutual appreciation for John Candy films. The fireman hands Harper a kendo stick, but the fire prevents him fae handing it tae Bray. Fuck knows why he didnae just chuck it over the fire eh, but lets no over think that yin.  Kane has the upper hand and hits two chokeslams, before Harper and Rowan figure out how tae stifle the flames (they put the ring apron over it..I know eh...so simple!) and they take Kane on a one-way trip tae knocked the fuck oot town. Harper and Rowan knock 7 shades oot the poor boay, before Bray hits Sister Abigail for the win. Again though, this wisnae about the match, it wis about the bone chilling finale. As the three of them drag Kane to the outside, where Bray takes his usual position on that rocking chair in the aisle. Harper and Rowan set Kanes heid up on the steel steps, and if its a guillotine, and they grab the other hauf of the steps before drappin them fae a great height on Kanes poor heid. If ye want him tae follow the buzzards, ye really need tae not execute him eh guys. Not the most strategically sound move. Barring an Undertaker return (which the audience legitimately thought wis happenin when the arena went dark for Brays music, daft cunts) there's nae stopping this. Kane will follow.

Damien Sandow vs Cody Rhodes

The god of ladders has been unkind tae us here. This deserved ladders meht. This deserved tae be for the briefcase. I spose the fear widda been this stealing the show if it was a ladder match, but that wis never likely with Brock v Punk and Cena v Bryan to come. This was good though. Its just heartening tae see this pair wae a significant match on such an important card. They've worked hard for it tae, and Cody in particular has been rotting in mid card purgatory fur whit feels like about 15 years. He emerges and reveals a new, tashless face. I'm mare of a beard guy than a tash guy, so I'm no mad at this. The match is engaging stuff. Just what yer lookin for from an early card match really. Sandow looks strong, hitting the side Russian leg sweep, before drappin that big smug elbow of disdain on Codys windpipe. Cody gets back intae it though, and he delivers some braw lookin elbows of his own, before hitting an absolute peach of a spring board dropkick. They exchange near falls, before yer man Cody hits that fuckin beautiful disaster kick on Sandow. Knockin him intae another dimension. Fuckin Cody daft so I uhm, so I wis legitimately swingin my tap above my heid and gien it laldy when he hit Cross Rhodes fur the win A crackin wee match, that actually had a perfectly clean finish. Still didnae top Ambrose and RVD in terms of quality, but it had that radiant glow comin fae my baws that tends tae indicate when a gid match has been seen.

Alberto Del Rio vs Christian (WH Title match)

Thank fuck this wis early. As much as it wid be a decent match, aw they've done tae build it is have these cunts wrassle each other every week. If this wis later in the card, it wis total fawin asleep, droolin aw doon yersell material. Fuckin snoozefest. Less heat than a burst oven. ADR attempts tae get some fan heat by "forcing" Lillian Garcia tae announce him in Spanish, even though she used tae dae it aw the time on Smackdown. Tell ye somethin else tae, these cunts don't have good in-ring chemistry. Both talented, so they gie ye matches that urnae terrible, but too often they just didnae link up like they shoulda done. Any small-package/rollup wisnae executed properly, and a few other wee spots were botchy as fuck tae. The match isnae really grasping me until later on, when Christian is in the ascendency, getting a near fall was a slightly botchy crossbody (botchy cause ADR couldnae sell a fish supper tae Broadus Clay) before hitting a fuckin nice Hurricanrana. Whit age is Christian noo? must be at least 50 or suhin, so fair play on the 'rana meht. ADR gets back on top, and locks in the cross-armbreaker, and after a wee struggle, Captain Charisma has tae tap. Christians last chance supposedly, and naebdy really gied a fuck. Wee shame so it is. I hope he isnae for retiring, cause wrasslin wise he's never been better. Being someone I care aboot he's never been worse. Be a heel. or huv a wicked nice gimmick where ye hand empire biscuits oot tae anyone that looks sad. I could go an empire biscuit this morning tbh.

ADR gettin interviewed in the ring. Ye cannae cut promos meht. You without Ricardo is like Crush withoot Mr Fuji. Shite. A wank. Boo.

A VT showin Maria Menounous wrasslin in a match as Axxess. Then she gets interviewed backstage. I don't know who Maria Menounous is so this can kindly roll itsell up intae a nice wee baw, and dissappear up its ain erse.

Natalya v Brie Bella

Oh hullo there Nattie hen! Whit a wee sweethert. I'll tell ye whit, this match was steamin hoat garbage but my wee darlin nattie got the win. Wae the sharpshooter no less. She's so braw man. It just makes me smile aw day so it does. Fuck the Bellas btw, and I still dont know who the fuck Eva Marie is, but they aw huv flat erses and nane of them can wrassle. Get tae.

Dear Ryback

I review the wrasslin sometimes. I like tae huv a wee joke now n then. Its kinda my thing.

However, I'd like tae seriously tell you that I fuckin despise everything you do. Inside, outside and underneath the ring. 

Stop pouring hings over he heids of catering employees. Its clatty.

From
Martin

CM Punk vs Brock Lesnar

Didnae get why this was so early. I'd only have done it this way if the main event wisnae gonnae be good enough to top it, but Cena vs Bryan undoubtedly wid be. It was easily one of my favourite no DQ matches of all time but, quite possibly my Number 1. It wisnae cause there wis a lot of brutal weapon attacks, or blood pishin everywhere. It wisnae cause it was full of daft, potentially fatal spots. It wis just fuckin........brutal. Almost too gid. Two warriors who put their faith in the other tae fuckin physically and mentally torture each other. It was perfect in every fuckin way. Also gave further evidence that Triple H and The Rock are fuckin DONE in terms of wrasslin relevance. Neither of these idiots could even get a match a quarter as good as this one out of Punk or Lesnar. Triple H v Lesnar at this same event last year in particular was a fuckin total shanner compared to this work of art.

Lets not forget just how fuckin stunning the promo work has been in the build up to this btw. The fact that its held on tae such heat when Brock has been absent for half of the build up, just shows how amazing Punk and Heyman have been on the mic. The two best in the business right now promo wise, and both are in the Top 5 all-time if ye ask this cunt. Anyway, there's a fuckin wrasslin match tae review eh? better get tae that.

Both emerge tae spine tingling pops, Punk in particular. Much of the early part of the match is basically Brock hookin and bootin the living shite oota Punk. Totally tryin tae break aw his ribs. Punk looks broken within the first 5 minutes, but he hits a fuckin picturesque high knee tae turn hings in his favour. Brock gets back on top but, and the reason for that is, he can literally fling Punk aboot. I mean he just continually picks Punk up, gets a right gid grip of him, and then launches him. Aw over the shop. At one point he flings him so far, Punk finds himself on a seat in Edinburgh watchin Colt Cabanas show. He then takes the wee board that covers the announce desk, and covers Punk wae it before stomping on it. At least 18-19 stone of pure muscle comin doon HERD. HERD I tell ye. A right sare yin. Anytime Punk tries to battle back, Lesnar just knocks his cunt in a wee bit harder. I've watched a lot of wrasslin matches believe it or not. I've seen a lot of stuff and thought tae mysell "ooh err...that looked sare" but nothing has quite resonated wae me personally as much as this beating Punk took. I felt his pain a wee bit. He has another wee rally, but his double axe handle attempt is caught, and Brock flings him for about 10 mile wae the fallaway slam. Sare. The sweat pishin aff them baith will attest tae just how brutal this aw wis. Lesnar goes for the F5, but Punk reverses and goes up top tae nail him wae the flying elbow. Thats no slayin the beast but ma man, nae chance. Shoulder up at 2. Punk lets us aw know hes lookin for the GTS, but Brock reverses intae the F5, Punk reverses that of course, before smashing Brocks jaw intae smithereens wae a stoater of a kick. He then goes for the GTS again, only for Brock tae reverse intae the Kimora lock, as Heyman screams at him tae "tap!" ANOTHER reversal ensues, this time Punk locks in a modified version of takers Hells Gate submission, he has it in for a while before brute strength prevails as Lesnar lifts him right up whilst in the hold, and slams him. Sare; Sare sare sare. The whole lot of this. Brock is apparently not content wae usin his brick wall of a body tae just aboot murder Punk, and decides tae go for the chair, but Punk is up and hits him wae a cross-body. Brock blocks the move wae the chair right enough, but Punk still has the upper hand at this point, for about 5 seconds. Lesnar takes the chair aff him like yer da takin carry oot aff ye when he snibs ye swallyin doon the park. Only for Punk hit him wae the low blow. Oooyah. Punk goes up top wae the chair in hand, and hits the diving elbow + chair. Triumph over adversity troops, this wis Punks time. Cement yer legacy meht.

It never seems tae work out that way but does it? even when it seems perfectly poised for it. Punk continues to leather the living fuck oota Brock wae the chair before fuckin Heyman gets involved. Lesnar gets punk up for the F5, but Punk grabs Heymans tie and Brock cannae shake him free. Punk the hits the GTS, and surely thats it it...1....2...HEYMAN. The fuckin cunt jumps in again. I love ye Paul, but yer makin me want tae hurt ye right now. Punk chases Heyman, but of course he walks right intae the F5...or does he? yer man Punk amazingly reverses it intae a DDT, and once again goes for the pin but nut....2 count. He then locks in the Anaconda vice, but Heyman gets his stupid fat coupon in the road again, as he tries tae slide a chair tae Brock. punk catches him, knocks him clean oot, but he gets greedy and locks in the Anaconda Vice anaw, forgetting there wis a monster lying behind him. Brock gets up, breaks punk in hauf wae the chair, and then hits the F5 on top of said chair for the win. A fuckin truly memorable match. Top 10 match of all-time for me, and most certainly one of my favourite no DQ matches. I wanted Punk tae go over, but I wisnae too gutted at this outcome. How could ye be? this is what wrasslin is all about. An all consuming story that ye cannae take yer eyes aff. Stunning.

Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn vs Big E Langston and AJ

Ach this was fine I suppose. I cannae really imagine anyone was on the edge of their seat for it after the masterpiece we aw just witnessed, but it was a solid wee encounter. It also made the booking a wee bit more understandable as we probably needed a wee 20 minutes tae calm doon after that fuckin masterpiece. Dolph and Kaitlyn being in the same entrance made my special place aw happy. I hoped that later Dolph wid be making another sorta entrance wae Kaitlyn, but that's another story chief.
Anyway, gid wee match, and nice tae see Dolph so high upn the card, even though it wis kinda a false position cause the match wisnae really significant enough for it. There's an awrite exchange between AJ and Kaitlyn, before Dolph n Big E fuckin terr it up. This should have been the WH title match man, so much chemistry between these cunts and most importantly, the feud had real heat. Fuck aw that logic pish but, we'll huv the WH Title as mid card filler, cause things don't need tae make sense when WWE creative is involved. Bleugh. Kaitlyn hits that dick hardening spear on AJ on the outside, and that shit makes my hert sing meht. Ooh wee. Anyway aye, Ziggler hits the ZigZag for the win and I'm happy for a brief moment. I'll never be truly happy again tae he gets that shimmering gold strap back roon his waist where it belongs, but thats my cross tae bear meht.  

John Cena vs Daniel Bryan (Triple H Special Guest Ref)

I'll start off wae the overwhelmingly positive things about this match. Firstly, my level of respect for John Cena (which wis high anyway) went through the roof here. When the opponent is right, he can work 5 star matches every day of the week meht. Disnae matter if ye think his work is limited, when he puts it together properly it just makes sense. That's aw that matters when it comes tae storytelling. It just has to make sense, and everything about this did. It was truly fuckin capitvating. From the opening bell, to the finish. The other huge positive was how little Trips was involved in the match itself. Didnae make it about him ataw, just done his job as ref. Refreshing fae this cunt, who seems tae feed aff suckin the life oota any segment/match he's involved in. Bryan emerges tae the usual frenzied pop. Cena gets the usual mix of cheers, and boos. Has a wee chat tae the camera cunt about how he just booked scuba diving lessons fur him and the hackit Bella he's shaggin. That's nice I spose, its nice that they're bonding and being awfy playful and cute.

Anyway, the match! Fuckin brilliant man. It didnae top Punk v Lesnar for quality, but it was equally braw in so many ways. Just a nice wee steady slow burner, nane of yer brutality. Two cunts at the top of their game having a stoater of a match. Bryan tries tae get the Yes Lock in early, but Cena rolls oot and has a wee game of eye spy wae the doctor at ringside. A nice wee exchange of near falls between the two follows, before Bryan sweeps Cenas leg tae get him doon. He tries tae get the Surfboard locked in, but Cena reverses, before lobbing Bryan oot the ring and right intae the announce table. The match is gaun in Cenas favour, but Bryan flies intae about a million punches and kicks. He then goes yon mental way, where he flies intae aw the wide eyed lariats. Back tae the kicks tae the chest, but Cena ducks the last yin and flies intae some offence of his own. Back body drop, followed by whit he thought was gonnae be the 5 knuckle shuffle, but Bryan reverses the first time. Cena disnae fail the second time but. Much like my ain 5 knuckle shuffle attempts,its always mare satisfying the second time. Bryan gets in the ascendency again though, and hits Cena wae some MAD Germans meht, not one German but TWO Germans, before Cena blocks a third yin, only for DBry tae lock in the Yasssss Lock. This widnae be the end unfortnately, but the way this match was going, we were getting clear indications that Bryan might win this clean. Those hopes are dashed when Cena hits the AA but. Awww naww says the crowd, but our hero wisnae done yet. Shoulder up at 2! Bryan lives on. After Bryan hits Cena with a throw aff the top rope he goes up top and hits the flying headbutt, and suddenly he looks like he'll be the one tae win.  Then came the one lowlight of this as a wrestling match. A total fuckin shocker of a botch. Highly dangerous stuff. Cena gets Bryan in a sort of walls of Jericho type situation on the ropes, before inexplicably jumping aff the middle rope wae Bryans heid tucked under his legs. A taller/less epxerienced man wid have had his fuckin neck broken there. Inexcusably sloppy fae Cena, and put a right dampner on what was a stunning match. He'll fuckin cringe when he sees that back.

They jostle for position on the mat, before Bryan gets the Yes Lock in again. Cena gets tae the bottom rope but, cause he's nuhin but a swine! Just let Bryan take yer belt ya baw hummin bastard ye. Bryan hits Cena wae another couple of they braw dropkicks, only for Cena tae come rushing oot the corner and nearly take DBrys heid aff wae a fuckin stoater of clothesline. JBL eat yer hert oot. They exchange rights, before both running the ropes and catching each other wae flying forearms. Aw this is just too good man. They exchange some stoatin bitchslaps next, before Cena gets Bryan up for the AA, only for Bryan tae counter. A near perfect match (botch aside) what could make it more perfect I hear you ask? a fuckin CLEAN pin for Daniel Bryan meht. Daniel Bryan pins John Cena as clean as a whistle after hitting him with a simply stunning flying knee; Announcing himself as the new, magnifcently bearded face of the WWE in the process. I'll no lie tae ye, I was wellin up. Daniel Bryan is my wrestling hero and tae see aw this hard work pay off for him was such a special moment. The pop was fuckin insane anaw. Wild celebrations ensue, Danny shakes hands wae Cena. Perfect. Mutual respect wins the day. Before looking intae the camera and thnaking his maw n da. Its lovely. Triple H seems content tae raise his hand and usher in a new era. The perfect end to one of my favourite PPVs ever.

Or...not.

Naw Hunter. Just naw.

Don't dae it.

Why? why wid ye dae it. Fireworks go off as Trips raises his hand again. Then my stomach sank. I heard voices. They came tae me, they understood they talked tae me. And they told me tae turn the fuckin tele aff before the perfect moment was ruined. It looked like Orton wis just there tae show face and remind Bryan he had the briefcase, and he turns around seemingly content tae cash in on another day, but as Bryan is uring him tae come ahead, he forgets that the fuckin Anti-Christ lurks behind him. Trips turns him roon ebfore hitting a sickening pedigree. and Orton decides tae cash in after all. Sick in ma mooth.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Ortin (WWE Title Match)

Orton covers bryan and wins. I gret aw night. The end. The maist sickening end.

Overall Summerslam was a superb PPV. In terms of taking ye on an emotional journey, whilst giein ye some great wrasslin matches, it was near perfect. The Punk v Lesnar match will live long in the memory, but ye know whit? that finish was sare man. Sarer than any brutal throw Punk took. Just made me aw solemn and reflective. Is this whit life is? heartbreak and Triple H's stupid face stamped aw ower it. Bleugh.

As a wrestling show, it gets 9.5 Diamond Cutters oota 10 but. Ye'll sturggle to see anythin mare worth 3 hours of yer time (other than ICW, but thats goes without sayin) still disnae make me any less of a huffy big wean about it though. Bryan deserves so much better.