The aftermath. The night where the WWE had the chance to mend my broken heart. A truly vital moment in our relationship, as they had served up one of my all-time favourite PPVs at Summerslam, only to dramatically pull the rug from under me and leave me a sniveling mess. Crying out "justice for Bryan" while laying in the fetal position. All kinds of scenarios were running through my head. Might they give Bryan a re-match the very next night and give us TWO iconic moments of him taking his rightful place on top of the ladder? The way RAW kicked off would be a huge indicator as to where this evening might go.
Needless to say. It started with a Cena promo.
Sigh.
I'll start by saying I have always respected Cena, particularly his ability to have 5 star matches when the right opponent is put in front of him. His match with Lesnar was also 10x better than anything Triple H managed to produce against Brock. So he deserves credit for that. He also deserves huge credit for putting Daniel Bryan over clean as a whistle, and he most definitely deserves all the credit in the world for working that amazing match with Bryan while legitimately hurt, but do you know what I've never felt he's due respect for? His solo promos. They are always so weak and formulaic. Always with the talk about people booing, or cheering him and how that is their right. Enough. We've heard it a million times.
This promo is a little better than the usual routine, but that's mainly because the focus is on Daniel Bryan. Cena speaks on how he made the right decision picking Bryan, and he was proud of their match. It never crossed his mind to put off the match and have surgery. He gets no respect from the crowd throughout either. His announcement that he will be on the shelf for 4-6 months is roundly jeered and that saddened me. John Cena earned the respect of even the most hardened of his detractors last night, and he really deserved better here. He summons Daniel Bryan to the ring to an ear shattering pop.
Daniel Bryans promo work over the past month for me has elevated him to the next level. He gets on the mic and cuts a genuinely emotional promo ,with Stephanie Mcmahon the main recipient of his wrath, and she makes the mistake of interrupting him before he even starts talking. She speaks of her husbands decision being just "business" and Bryan calls her out for her rampant "bitchness". Its a cool promo. Steph is the perfect fodder for DBry on this occasion, as he expresses his lack of regard for keeping his job with WWE, and if he was going to go out; it would be with a bang. Rips into Triple H too, calling him a shadow of his former hell-raising self, and he places the blame for that solely on the iron jaw of the bosses daughter. Steph proceeds to talk down to Bryan, before the flaming wrath of everyone around the world watching combined to cause Steph to spontaneously combust. Bryan proudly declares to us all that he's the next face of the company, and he'll have that belt back around his waist in no time. Knocks the mic out of Stephs hand too, but she was reduced to a pile of ashes at this point anyway. Daniel is escorted from the building for being too awe-inspiring for us to handle it anymore. Game over.
All this excitement and not a forearm has been swung in anger. Crazy.
Damien Sandow vs Cody Rhodes
I was a bit disappointed this was on RAW. For me its a fued which has at least 2 PPV matches left in it. To see it on RAW feels like they might be looking to wrap it up sooner rather than later. I really hope that doesn't mean an unwelcome return to midcard purgatory for Cody because he has deserved this push more than anyone in the company. Not only immensely talented, but a workhorse too. The match is equally as entertaining as their Summerslam match, and somewhat surprisingly Cody goes over again, catching Damien out with a rollup, to score another win over Mr MITB. I really hope this is building to a match for the briefcase, preferably involving one or a great many ladders. When I say a great many, I'm talking a maze of ladders faces them and they have to get through that before they even get to the ring.
Brad Maddox backstage. Sweating through the suit of armor he's wearing. He's a jaunty character isn't he? creeps me out. His announcement that Dolph Ziggler would face The Shield in a 3 on 1 handicap match later in the evening, as punishment for his slanderous (and completely true) comments about Triple H, is not a creepy one though. Infact its most definitely the best thing to ever come from Braddox's mouth.
Yeeeeeah. This is what we tune in for. A solo Heyman promo. He's praising Punks efforts in the match last night, but there's a deliberately patronising tone about it. He also parodies Punks "apologise!" cries at Vince in that iconic promo a couple of years ago, which just adds so many layers to this scintillating feud. Wonderful stuff. A simple apology is all it takes for Punk to welcomed back into the Paul Heyman Guy fold, and Paul tells him he "still loves him". Together they will be the best in the world, and oh lawdy, I believe every word.
Bellas/Funkadactyls promo backstage. Two words. No Thanks.
The Funkadactyls vs AJ and Layla
This was ok. Cameron and Naomi can both wrestle, and some of the action is great to watch. Both in terms of giving me a warm fuzzy feeling in my special place, and most important the technical proficiency of the work. The proficiency of the finish was nothing to write home about though, and Naomi rolls Layla up for the 3 count, only the ref seems to stop short of counting 3, and calls for the bell anyway. Another week, another botched finish. Shouldn't be happening with such regularity in the biggest wrestling company in the world.
The Shield vs Dolph Ziggler (3 on 1 Handicap Match)
Absolutely loved this. Perfect booking if you ask me. Never has Dolph Zigglers almost unfathomable ability to sell moves had a more perfect setting. He makes all three members of The Shield look strong here, and in particular he has some wonderful exchanges with Ambrose. That's a potential feud of the year next year if it happens, mark my words. Dolph is really something special here, changing the pace of his work instantly to suit whichever member of the Shield he's facing. He actually has you believing he has a chance of overcoming these odds, but it was The Shield who'd have the last laugh. After breaking up a couple of near falls from Dolph, The Shield have had enough, and as Dolph rushes towards Reigns in the corner, he almost passes straight through him with the most brutal of mid-air spears. A stunning finish to such a perfectly booked match, all parties come out looking strong. The Shield in particular after hitting Dolph with the triple powerbomb before departing for wine coolers and cigars. A job well done boys.
We keep hearing about Randy Orton being "coronated" as champion later in the evening, and I'm not entirely sure if this is PG, but I urge them to "Coronate these nuts" instead. (absolutely no way that line is making it through the edit, but we have to push the envelope sometimes ;) )
Sin Cara vs Alberto Del Rio
This was all a fascinating mess. The finish was particularly odd, as Sin Cara hits a suicide dive on the outside only to complain of an injured hand. Really becoming a parody of yourself here Sin Cara. Botched himself into the doctors office once again. Del Rio continues to attack him even after the match is stopped, before getting on the mic to cut one of is trademark snoozefest promos. Thankfully this one is interrupted fairly quickly, by his old friend Ricardo Rodriguez. This was welcome for 2 reasons. 1. I got to see Ricardos smiling face and 2. It confirmed that he isn't about to get shelved/fired. ADR tells all the latino community they finally have someone to be proud of, but really all they have is a man who needed my countryman Drew McIntyre to prevent him getting a more extensive beating the one which is responsible for those pair of shining black eyes he has there. Ricardo reveals he has a new client, and it is none other than ROB..VAN..DAM. My apathy for RVDs return has turned into unbridled enthusiasm in the space of a few great matches, and I actually said he'd have a WH Title run before the year was out. I fully expect him to take the strap at Night Of Champions. RVD and Del Rio have a short brawl, before RVD goes up top to hit a picture perfect frog splash...or does he? not this time as ADR slips away. Ensuring he lives to see another battle.
I'm a huge fan of this Ricardo and RVD alliance. For me it'll add a similar (although nowhere near as good) element as the Heyman/Punk heat did to the Punk/Lesnar feud. Good to see the WH Belt finally involved in something which has some heat, as opposed to that nothing of a feud between Christian and ADR.
The Real Americans vs The Prime Time Players
I was a little bit unhappy with this. Namely the Zeb Colter promo to kick it off. I'm a fan of Zeb, and usually his promos are engaging, but this one just felt like listening to a crazy old racist having a rant for the sake of it. Had no direction to it at all. The match is ok, but after Darren Youngs big news earlier in the week, you could see him getting the pin from a mile away. I crossed my fingers and hoped it would be Swagger, but despite my relatively unblemished record of good deed doing, and general niceness, my prayers were not answered. Darren Young hits Cesaro with the Gutcheck and gets the pin. Its a bit sad that its taken this news for the PTP to get a push in the tag division, but its still heartening to see. Well deserved, despite my misgivings for Titus' in-ring abilities, they are an entertaining pair.
Big Show segment backstage. He's informed by Sweaty Palms Maddox that due to his own comments about Triple H, he will also face The Shield in a 3 on 1 match. He receives this news with a smile, because these days Big Show is in shape, and ready to tap the jaw of anyone who dares get in his path. He'd smack fire out of god himself if he got in his road.
The next 20 or so minutes were like the first time I ever had strong painkillers (toothache in case you're concerned, don't worry I'm fine now) A kind of numbness engulfs your whole body, but its not numb enough for you to block out the horrors unfolding in front of you. Surreal. First up we have some weird dance-off/footlocker advert, involving Zack Ryder, Justin Gabriel, Fandango and I'm pretty sure The Bezerker makes an appearance somewhere.
After a Summserslam recap, we then have by far my least favourite promo in recent memory. An assault on all the senses. First Ryback appears to break into the locker room and a local community center, and begins to bully some nice guys who've just finished up an intense game of Badminton. He then makes one of the guys play "fetch" before slapping him, and making him fill his bag, and himself with shower water. I am not making this up folks, this all really happened and I cursed my functional senses for bearing witness to it. Eww.
Big Show vs The Shield
Perfect booking once more. Face Big Show makes me happy. He just seems like a genuinely nice big fella, so of course playing that role in wrestling is going to come naturally. The match also just works, on every level. This time all 3 Shield members are in the ring at once, as opposed to them having to be tagged in against Dolph. So Show looks really strong early, when he sets about all 3 of them. One problem with his assault, was the fact that he was a touch careless whilst throwing around Rollins, who legitimately seemed to hurt his knee earlier in the show. Show continues to boss it, but the numbers game wins out once more, as all 3 Shield members combine to knock Show off his feet, Show kicks out of the flying knee from Rollins; then nailing both Rollins and Ambrose with a double suplex, but he lets his guard down momentarily for Reigns to hit another impressive spear. The Justice Crusaders then hit Show with their most impressive triple powerbomb to date, to pick up another win as all three of the boys cover Show. Outstanding booking in both of these matches, with all parties looking strong at the end. A welcome removal from some of the strange booking The Shield have received in the past couple of months.
A CM Punk promo. I don't usually review RAW for you good folks, so you probably wont know of my long standing opinion that CM Punk is the greatest storyteller in the history of professional wrestling. To clarify, I don't think that's because he's the best wrestler of all time. Because he isn't. Nor do I think he's the best on the mic all time (although he may be when he retires) but the way he combines these talents to tell us something new every week is something truly joyous to behold. He has me nothing but totally enchanted by his words every time he speaks. This promo is no different. He begins by completely chastising a heavy set member of the audience for booing him, and invites the rotund gentleman to direct his grievances to Punks face. The man correctly refuses, as one solemn fearful tear rolls down his cheek and trickles to the floor, turning into an endless stream of spiders in the process. Punk is "pissed off" and why wouldn't he be? having saw his mentor and former manager scupper his chances of slaying the beast. He responds to Heymans invitation to apologise, by apologizing for not choking him out the previous night. Punk is sincerely broken up about his inability to break the old toad in half, and ensures him that one day in the future he will indeed tear Heyman limb for limb, and "spit in his face". Punk invites Heyman to fight him like a man, but Heyman refuses and instead offers his own apology. Heyman is "sorry" for what is about to happen to Punk, as he urges his other charge Curtis Axel to get prepared to finish the job that Brock started.
We return from the break to what is pretty much an unsanctioned brawl between Axel and Punk.Its brutal stuff and undoubtedly the first time Axel has been anything other than cannon fodder during this feud. Punk gets the upper hand though, and decides it would be fun to just throw a bunch of stuff at Axel. Namely the ring bell. Before dragging him into the ring, and going for the GTS; Axel counters though, and chopblocks Punk to the floor, continuing to focus on Punks leg. As Axel gets the upper hand, Heyman feels more comfortable edging towards the ring, and as he edges, Punk tastes the edges of a steel chair wielded by Axel. Axel finishes the job by hitting that jaunty neckbreaker he calls a finisher, before setting up Punks leg in between a steel chair, seemingly intent on breaking it as Heyman screams "you broke my heart Fredo!" Punk rolls out the way though,before grabbing the chair again himself and leathering Axel with it, and then making Axel taste steel steps twice, before hitting him with the GTS on the aforementioned steps. Outstanding segment. The whole 15-20 minutes it go was something special to watch.
The same heart which lay in a million pieces 23 hours earlier after Orton cashed in, was once more full of the joys. How could it not be after that stunning match Brock and Punk served up, followed by this magnificent segment? this is what wrestling is. This is why we all suspend disbelief and allow ourselves to fully buy in.
Bray Wyatt vs R-Truth
WOW. I dont mean that like I was taken aback by how good this was. I mean it as in WOW.
W(aste)
O(f)
W(yatt).
No promo work, no progression in the angle with Kane. Nothing to write home about at all. Bray gets the win with Sister Abigail and that was all she wrote. Aside from the Ryback depravity, this was the only part of the show which made no sense to me. Just felt like a waste of time.
The Usos vs Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal
As much as I was disappointed as a Scot, and a wrestling fan that Heath wasn't partnered by Drew, it was still heartening to see him involved in a match which held some relevance. It was actually a very entertaining affair and both teams looked very strong. Considering how much of a push Rikishis boys have had lately, it was encouraging to see them bring the best out of a team who they could quite easily have insisted that they should squash. Jimmy or Jey lays Jinder out with a superkick, before performing an eye watering dive/tag landing on Drew and Heath on the outside, while his brother hits a splash on Jinder to pick up the win.
Wade Barrett vs The Miz
Imagine for a second if this was a real fight. A fist fight over a shared love. Imagine how brutally The Miz would have his shit ruined. Imagine the carnage. The Miz is the one wrestler on the roster right now that I have no doubt in my mind that I could personally batter (thats Scottish for "beat up" btw) The match does nothing for me tbh, and is brought to a close when Fandango emerges and hits the flying legdrop on Miz as he has that horrible sloppy Figure 4 locked in on Barrett. I don't even know the decision here, really. No contest.
Braddox fights through seemingly unprovoked tears to tell Steph that Daniel Bryan is back in the building. YES! YES! YES!
Randy Ortons championship coronation begins with all the rest of the wrestlers being brought on to the stage to erm....watch Triple H, Vince, Steph and lastly Orton enter the ring. Whilst The Sheild stand guard over them. Triple H says a lot of words between his entrance and Randys, but you know what folks? those words are not worth your time, or mine. He basically just repeats himself a lot and pulls some constipated faces.Vince says some words too, briefly congratulating Trips for seeing the "Light" and coming around to his way of thinking about Bryan. Snooooooooze. Utter drivel from start to finish, that is until Daniel Bryan finally emerges.He bravely approaches the ring, making a beeline for Paul Levesque, and heinous, unashamed, horrible face. Only to be stopped in his tracks by the Shield, who proceed to knock 7 shades of shit out of him. I can feel my fragile heart breaking again, but just as The Shield look set to claim their third Triple Powerbomb victim of the evening. Triple H interrupts, and instead asks them to allow Bryan to approach the ring. He clearly has something to say, and no sooner has he stepped through the ropes before he eats a DIAMOND CUTTER OUTTA NOWHERE. VINTAGE DIAMOND DALLAS ORTON. Trips, Vince, Steph and Randy then join hands in what looks like the most vile human crop circle in the history of humanity (perhaps the first ever human crop circle, as I'm quite certain that isn't a "thing") A hero lies broken for the second night running. A sickening. A "scunner" as we say over here. A sore one.
Overall despite my personal grief at Daniel Bryans continued poor treatment, and the fact that Cesaro got pinned. This was a superb RAW. So much world class promo work from Punk, Heyman and Bryan; and the booking for The Shield was top notch. Also loved the RVD/Ricardo alliance so for that reason I give this weeks RAW a solid 9 snapmares out of 10.
Remember folks, whether its at home, at school, or on top of your Uncles brand new Jeep. Stay safe. Don't try this.
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