Post ICW Raws are tricky wee cunts so they urr. I usually find that around RAW time is when the adrenaline starts tae wear aff, and yer arse begins the process of deflating, so RAW will either send ye intae a full on suicidal tailspin, or it'll return ye to the promised land. Where life is just gid wrasslin, pretty colours and an endless buffet table fulla tuna melts, and kit kats.
This RAW thankfully fell intae the latter category.
The show opens wae The Shield guarding an empty ring. The ring wid soon contain a Triple H n Randy Orton promo though, and if Trips had any say in it, Randys ring wid soon contain Triple H. I cannae begin tae tell ye just how harrowing it is tae see baith of these cunts emerge first when yer watchin RAW through tired eyes, but the promo is actually braw. Trips informed everyone that he really likes how oily Randy always is, and that's the reason he engineered this latest WWE Title rain, cause he just loves his oily diddies. He then lets us know he bought Randy a brand new car wae his own money. As a congratulations for being able to cover a guy who Triple H had knocked out. Basically the promo wis one older man, buying his younger friend a motor, after he had softened another man up adequately for that younger man tae lie on top of him. If you didnae see this promo exactly like I did, then I dunno, mibbe yer normal.
My main man Daniel Bryan floats interrupts this love in and gies us a wee goosey at that fluffy face. If yer capable of it, regardless of yer gender, get yersell a big beard. Its a braw caper so it is. Not only are the burds soakin fur it, but its handy fur keepin essential items in. Typa stuff ye might need at a moments notice, like a first aid kit, or two eccies tied tae a wham bar.
Daniel Bryan talks about how he's gonnae take that belt back at Night of Champions, and also how he's gonnae wrap Triple H in tin foil, and cook uhm. Triple H is lit that "nope" and instead books Daniel Bryan in a gauntlet match aaginst The Shield. Aye...thats right. That means DANIEL BRYAN VS DEAN AMBROSE. My erection wis pulsating so hard at this announcement the earth done a wee shimmy and a shake. Shoogly woogly.
The Miz vs The World
(It wis actually Fandango vs Cody Rhodes, then The Miz and Cody vs Fandango and Sandow)
The fuckin Miz serrrrrrrrrrrrr. Exasperates me how much of a fuckin insufferable tink he is. We're huvin a perfectly good match between two of my favourite cunts. Cody n Curtis, coupla fuckin mad cases just bein mad the gether. 3 or 4 minutes in, Fandangos music plays and oot he comes...only he's in the ring and the cunt that comes oot is none other than The Miz. Here's the thing Miz ma man, get a rolling pin, roll yersell oot as thin as possible, stick yersell in an envelope and mail yersell tae the nearest volcanic eruption. His distraction leads tae Cody pinning Fandango, and then everyone gets distracted by the walking sweat shower Brad Maddox. This week Bradley has sweated through a pair of overalls made oota lions teeth, and he hilariously announces himself as "DJ Maestro Maddox" which made me hit the giggles somethin fierce. Before announcing that Sandow and Curtis wid team up tae face Miz and Cody. (aye...making tag team matches and no gien Teddy Long props again...Maddox is either the maist sleekit creep on planet earth, or the best actor tae come oota WWE since Triple H in Blade 3)
We actually got a proper match outta that, but it ended wae mare strange Fandango booking so it can choke on a solid wee jobby. He basically leaves Sandow stranded for nae reason, and Miz hits the skullcrushing finale for the win. Out of aw the folk involved, for Miz tae come out wae the pin makes blood shoot my ears. Also Rosa Mendes accompanied him tae the ring when he wis kiddin on tae be Fandango, gien us all a wlecome reminder that Rosa Mendes is HOAT.
A Los Matadores VT. Deliberately left this shite outta last weeks review for 2 reasons.
1. Its Tito Santanas jobber gimmick, x 2.
2. Its fuckin Primo n Epico. An already established team, who've held the tag belts.
This is like The Outlaws being taken off TV for a few months, then being brought back as Gary and Tam. Wise crackin welders fae the east-end. Its fuckin daft, and after some promising signs wae the Usos push, its a backwards step for the tag division if these cunts are pushed. Nut. I'm no a fan.
Orton and Christian promo backstage. Cause they have a match later, which is of great significance to everything. Wrasslin related and otherwise.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel
Ye know theres something just no clicking about a wrassler, when he can be involved in such a dramatic and well worked angle like this Punk/Heyman one and he still disnae really get over. Curtis Axel just bores people. Mibbe thats him being a victim of how amazing his auld da wis, but nothing he does is grabbing folk. Promo wise he delivers every line wae the awkwardness of you phoning up an Aunty ye never see tae thank her for yer birthday card. Just nae gid. Theres a vote before this match regarding the stip, and out of the three options, the one chosen wis that if Punk won, he'd get tae face Heyman in a match after the Axel one. Axel tries tae re-assure Heyman theres nae way Punks beating him, but aw I heard come out of his dour gub wis "I gotta go to K-Mart! they got 2 for 1 on jerky at K-Mart!"
I properly enjoyed the match but. That's Axels saving grace right there, his work in the ring is close tae his dads standard. Also heavy intae this thing where Heyman edges closer/further away fae the ring depending on how well Axel is doing. Perfect storytelling, and the best wis yet tae come. Punk hits a GTS fae naeplace and gets the win, so now it wis time for the real fight tae begin. (that rhymed a wee bit there eh? tee he...whituhmalike) Heyman tries tae bolt, but he's forced intae the ring and it looks like his day of reckoning has arrived. Only for Axel tae completely black oot, and decide he's actually the result of The Big Bossmans spunk and no Mr Perfects. Handcuffs Punk so he does, and him and Heyman start teeing aff on him wae a Kendo Stick. Dae they but? no quite yet, as Punk manages tae get himself up, and starts bootin the cunts whilst handcuffed. He cries oot "shin shatterer!" before one kick in particular, and I believe it actually shattered wee Heymans left shin.. pure shame man, numbers game wins oot as usual but and they eventually get Punk down. Kendo stick assault continues, wae Heyman screaming about how much he loves Punk throughout. This was that typa segment that makes yer belly dae somersaults. Just felt like it wis 100 percent real. They really dae a proper job on Puns back wae the kendo stick anaw, as he can see its aw bleedin tae fuck when he makes his way up the ramp. Sare. Everything that happens tae Punk these days just looks really fuckin sare. Physically and emotionally. Ye must be knackered mate.
AJ Lee promo (also Nattie vs Brie Bella)
Fuck the match. Nattie looked perfect as per, but she didnae win so I wont even bother ye wae any patter about the match. AJ emerges after it but, and cuts probably the best wumans promo of all time. Considering I loved Kaylee Rays promo (ach I just love Kaylee Ray really) on Sunday in that pure broad glesga/wherever shes fae accent, for RAW tae manage tae top it the next night is quite an impressive feat. Basically the cast of Total Divas is out for that "match" we just seen and she cuts a scathing promo on AW of them. Heels, faces, terts and beauties. The hale team gets slated. Calls them aw jokes, and says the prospect of any of them taking her belt is a pile of nonsense. No even worth giein them the time of day. Useless team of slegs. Its really fuckin engaging stuff but, no a fan of Natty gettin chucked under the same bus as the rest of these nae users, but in terms of delivery, its flawless fae wee AJ.
Rob Van Dam vs ADR
Hate this trend of the two cunts in the WH Title fued just wrasslin each other aw the time on TV. Ruins the credibility of the belt so it does. Its purely cause Del Rio cannae cut a promo either. This is aw just time wasted. Dolph should have the belt and he should be feuding wae the likes of Ambrose, Big E n Cesaro. Instead Cesaro is Darren Youngs personal jobber, and Big E is the guy that has tae carry AJ over his knee like shes a petulant toddler when she gets a rage on. Anyway aye, if Van Damn wins he gets a title shoat, and he does indeed get the win after a decent wee match, when Ricardo Rodriguez jumps up on the announce desk and does yon "ROB VAN DAM!" pointin at his back routine, and RVD pins Del Rio wae a sexy wee rollup. Speakin of rolling up, RVD and Ricardo dae just that after the match, and explain tae the world what brought them together. The art of being cool dudes. I like the sarcasm and the patter, but I'm gonnae say quite honestly here that referring to yersells as cool dudes, even as a joke is the worst of aw the patter, and it can graw fangs and bite me.
Ryback promo. Ryback shags Josh Matthews,and when Josh turns roon and asks him whit the moisture is on his back Ryback just goes "RYBACKKKKK DROOOOOLS" End of segment.
Mare Heyman chatter. Axel hangs about in the background, and talks about the free CD he got wae the paper last week, but Heyman is as interesting as ever. Looks on the verge of tears throughout, as he refers to Punk as the prodigal son. Prodigal sons always come home. They always return to where they belong. Mon hame Punk. Stop the sareness.
Randy Orton v Christian
Actually this was no bad, but I also didnae care about it in any way, shape or form. I dunno whit the score is wae Christian ataw. Is he retiring? is it shite of me no tae really care? I like ye n that ma man, but zzzzz. Anyway aye, gid wee match but it says aw ye need tae know about Ortons reign that he's in a competitive midcard match against a cunt who's maist recent achievement is tapping oot tae Del Rio twice. Really selling this sleekit wee heel persona but, as he wins the match by stickin his rotten big thumb in Chrsitians eye, before RKO'in him intae next week. The best bit about this whole thing wis of course Bryan. Who appears on the titantron staunin next tae Randys brand new motor. He tells of his belief that he is the next in line tae lead the company, and assures us of his self belief by showing Randy that he's spray painted YES! aw over the motor. Aw Daniel. You and yer fluffy coupon just embody everything good about pro wrasslin, and I really just want tae huv a shot on the dodgems wae ye. Is that too much tae ask?
Triple H tells Sweattox that he's tae get aw the wrasslers oot tae watch Bryans gauntlet match later, cause apparently him and Orton are gonae squeeze lemon juice intae Bryans eyes, and caw him a dafty,
Titus O'Neil vs Jack Swagger
Shite. Titus won.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Nut. Its too good. I just cannae. A VT of Bray Wyatt explaining the origins of Sister Abigail. Its must see stuff. I'm gid wae words, but I cannae adequately sum this up for ye cause I'm just a man. A mere mortal. Bray Wyatt is not. Bray Wyatt sooked aw the potential good shit that wis gonnae go intae his wee brother straight oot the womb. Similar tae a twin absorbing the other fetus in the womb, cept this time the fetus wis allowed tae be born, and it became the vapid waste of spunk that we've come to know as Bo Dallas. This promo is fuckin unreal but. Terrific in every way. I suggest ye watch it on a loop tae yer heart stops, or tae he cuts another equally gid promo. Whichever ye prefer.
Punk demanding that his match with Heyman happens now. He wants no medical attention for the 9 million whelps and cuts on his back, he just wants tae batter Heyman. Braddox takes a 5 second break fae stickin a tin of hairspray up his arse, tae tell Punk that he's booked him in an Elimination handicap match against Axel and Heyman. Punk appears satisfied wae this and leaves Maddox tae his debauchery.
Los Matadores promo.Nah. I'm no huvin this garbage. Yer Primpo n Epico, and Carlito wis better than yees baith put together. Turn this intae a paper aeroplane and and launch it intae the great abyss.
Daniel Bryan vs The Shield (Gauntlet match)
Rennee Young tries tae get some of the wrasslers gathered on the stage tae talk about how shite Daniel Bryans treatment has been, but they aw refuse, even Big Show, who actually cannae be fired, unless he murders Ric Flair or suhin. Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins make magic together. There really isnae other way to look at it than that. Its no just technically good, it draws ye in as a fan. As a person. Ye cannae take yer eyes aff it. I feel the same way watching this as I huv during any HBK vs Bret Hart match. Not only are they inch perfect wae the work, but they make ye care. That's how good this has the potential tae be if they ever push Rollins enough to make this a main event type of feud. It has fuckin everything so it does, including a top rope German Suplex throw from Bryan on Rollins which honestly sent me flyin clean across the room. Fuckin gone so I wis. Too much tae process. He gets the pin after that visual orgasm of a move, before the dissapointment came. the only thing that could possibly have topped that match was Bryan v Ambrose going 10 minutes at least being as amazing as we've aw envisaged, but instead it was a total ruse. Utter shite. Bryan gets Ambrose in the Yes lock, and Reigns interferes. DQ. Fuck off. Reigns then has his match, and Ambrose jumps in. DQ. Fuck sake. Trips comes oot wae Ortons arse juices on his lips, and tells The Shield tae batter Bryan some more, and they duly oblige cause apparently "justice" these days is daein whit yer arsehole boss tells ye, like a pack of wee wally dugs. They triple powerbomb our boy, before haudin him up for Orton tae stroll doon and RKO him.
This was effective as fuck btw. My desire tae leather everycunt involved in this that wisnae called Daniel Bryan is a sure sign that they're getting it spot on. Wrasslin is just so good right now, it makes me want tae write poems and sing aboot it, but see this right here? these are my poems mate. This is my art. I hope the pictures I see in my heid come across like I want them tae wae these paragraphs, sentences, words n full stops. I hope ye can see what I see.
Overall I gie this RAW 8.5 tilt o whirl backbreakers outta 10. Nae Cesaro or Dolph wrasslin, the Swagger match and that Los Matadores shite wis yer negatives. Everything else wis at its optimum brawness. A wee belter of a RAW I thought.
Remember, if its up yer pals loft, waitin ootside Spar fur it opening, or playing Tekken 2 wae yer best pal. Stay safe, don't try this.
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