I enjoy Smackdown mate. I really fuckin dae. My shanner of a social life means that quite often I'm free to watch it on its first showing on a Friday Night, and when I don't I tend tae catch it at some point on a Saturday, in between naps and bouts of lovingly sticking hoat pins in the eyes of my Miz vodoo doll.
This weekend wis a different story though. I couldnae even begin tae explain tae ye the sequence of events which led to me only sitting down to watch it on Monday morning (well I could, I wis oot wae the boayz on Friday, and I procrastinated a lot.....I also have a cold) but the longer time passes between first showing and when ye actually watch it, the less of a tolerance ye have for the aforementioned Miz.
So imagine my horror when I discovered he was AWW ERR the first hauf hour of this show. Like a fly roon a sugary shite. Nae shakin the cunt aff.
The opening segment is a Miz TV segment, which as these segments go, was actually awrite. It involved The Miz saying some things, which sounded like out of tune trumpet music tae me (cause hes a trumpet! haha, err some auld school Scottish insult'in for ye there, pit that wan in the vault) he brings out The Big Show and Dolph, and they have a wee therapy session together about their inability to help Daniel Bryan when he was getting his shit ruined by the Shield and Orton, Show nearly greets before Triple Helmsley comes oot lookin like his face has been stung by a million bees. His first line is "wow Miz TV...this is cool!" which leads me tae believe he wis up aw night after RAW meltin doon strawberry chewits and injectin the liquid intae the main vein in his erse.
He rambles about Orton for a while before patronising the lads in the ring. Hilariously mocking The Miz' inability to get near the WWE Title again. He makes a match between Miz and Orton. Then turning to Dolph and complimenting his erse, before booking him in a match wae The Shield. Then its the turn of his auld buddy The Big Show, who has looked on the verge of greetin throughout this angle. Dunno if that's the result of gid acting, or him just needing a monster shite, but the end result is Triple H telling him he has to watch the show from ringside, and do nothing about the events unfolding in the ring.
Tell ye whit, I'm nae Triple H fan, far from it, but this wis effective as fuck. I really huv this white hot hatred for the cunt, so that must mean he's daein his job properly.
The Miz vs Randy Orton
See whit I fuckin mean? Miz overload. If I had tae choose between him cutting god awful face promos, and saying "really?" tae hings which dont require it, and him wrasslin; I'd probably go wae the wrasslin, but he's fuckin shite at baith imo. The match is a fairly boring affair, before Orton goes for that DDT he does in every match, only for The Miz tae block it and toss Randall clean oot the ring. Big Show looks like he's GANTIN tae fracture aw the wee bones in Randys scaly face, but he refrains and then The Shields music plays. They stroll doon, but its aw scare tactics meht, they dont get involved. Orton uses that mental edge tae get back in control of the match, before hitting the RKO for the win. No my kind of match really, partly because it wisnae very good, but mostly because it was fuckin shite.
The Shield are urged to enter the ring, to stomp oot the Miz, which is just hilariously pointless. He's the Miz ffs, he's got it bad enough as it is, let him die quietly. Then like a dunt of pure adrenaline tae the boaby, oot comes Daniel Bryan, but not yer run of the mill amazin Daniel Bryan...DANIEL BRYAN WAE A STEEL CHAIR. He dunts Orton wae it, right in the breidbasket...before swinging and missing Ambrose, and catching Rollins on the road oot. Up the road ya bunch of rotten swine bastards. You've been bested by the fuckin beard.
Damien Sandow vs Rob Van Dam
Acht. I've been genuinely fuckin intae RVDs return, but this is depressing booking if ye ask me. An entertaining wee match right enough, but whit the fuck are they daein wae Sandow ataw? I've never seen a MITB winner go on such a fucker of a losing streak. Most of the time he's lost cleaner than a radio edit of a Wu-Tang clan tune (thats fuckin shite patter innit....sorry, I've got the cauld x ) RVD sets Sandow up, baws first on the top rope before hitting him wae yon flying superkick. Its stuff like that which makes it really difficult for me tae no like RVD. As much as I'd rather Dolph, Cody, Sandow, Big E, Cesaro or Ambrose were the ones in the title picture, RVD wid be much better than Del Rio, so aye. I'm fine wae this push for now. No that anycunt wis lookin for my validation, but they shoulda been, cause I'm nice, I've got maist of my teeth and I can make pizza fae scratch. Anyway RVD wins wae the 5 star frog splash, and Damien Sandow is irrelevant. That probably means he's gonnae cash in at Night Of Champions, and go on to hold the belt for 2 and a hauf years. cause fuck logic.
Del Rio comes oot. Blaaaaaaah. Naebdy cares. Yer torture on the mic chief. A feel a wee "yer just a Mexican Curtis Axel!" chant comin on, but thats too many syallables.
The Shield vs Dolph Ziggler
I fuckin loved this when they had it on RAW a couple of weeks back. It was worked tae perfection, as Dolph dominated for long spells, before The Shield won in the end and everyone came out of it looking strong.Top drawer booking. This was a bit different. Probably designed to maximise opportunities fur the camera tae zoom in on Big Show greetin his eyes oot, cause The Sheild dominated. I dunno why this was so traumatic for show, after both him and Dolph had tae face The Shield in handicap matches the other week, but listen petal, we don't concern ourselves wae such logical questions. We get a wee bit of Ambrose vs Dolph, so that's never a bad thing eh. Ambrose against anyone haufway competent is whit we need, every week. I swear tae buggery, if Ambrose disnae have a proper singles match wae Daniel Bryan in the next month, I'm drappin an anvil on Triple H's daft napper. Fuckin aff on AW the tangents here, I've got a match tae review ffs. Ambrose does some of that eerie trash talkin tae Dolph while he's in the corner, but Dolphs huvin none of it and tosses him oot the ring. And then the finish. I'm nae god fearing man, but fuck me, if there's somedy up there, he wis awffy good tae us here. Dolph and Seth Rollins have a braw wee exchange, before Dolph goes for the fameasser, only for Seth to catch him, get him in position for a powerbomb, only for him to drop Dolph shoulders first on the top turnbuckle, and if that wisnae sare enough, he turns round straight intae a fuckin buzzsaw of a spear from Reigns, which led tae the pin. Which he sold so beautifully, I actually thought he wis deid. I really did. I still dae. He still hasn't got up. Dolph Ziggler is no longer with us. Lets pray that his soul has gone to a better place. Up there wae aw the classic move sellers of years gone by. Yer Eddie Guerreros and yer Owen Harts.
Mare Big Show bubblin. Fuck sake big yin, ye gaun through the menopause? its no that bad. The Shield hit Dolph wae the Triple Powerbomb, and Show accosts JBL for a right gid cuddle. Its aw too much for the big lug.
Awww dear. Axel cuttin a promo. I hate to be negative, but naw. Just naw. here's whit I mean by naw......just naw mate.
I'm paraphrasing patter my mate put out on Twitter, but its fuckin spot on. Axel is like Mr Perfect, if ye stuck a hoover up his erse and sooked aw the good stuff oot. Aw the stuff that made Perfect special. He wisnae just one of the best ever in-ring technicians, he was engaging. He made ye give a fuck. He had that swagger. He wis fuckin born to wrassle. Curtis Axel wis just born intae wrasslin and that's entirely different. He inherited the ring presence and nautral athleticism, but ye cannae teach charisma, and the poor cunt disnae have a fuckin lick of it. He also does this thing wae his mouth when he speaks, where it looks like he's sookin the choclate aff a Dime Bar wrapper. Jist fuckin pish. Why stand next tae Paul Heyman and not allow him tae dae the thing he's one of the best in the world at? That's like Heyman getting in the ring wae Axel and Punk and trying tae hit aw the suplexes. Fuckin daft. Pass the mic tae yer right, and away n shite Axel. Heyman finally gets on the mic and its majestic.More prodigal son patter, as he lets us know he isnae seeking forgiveness. He does not wish to atone for his treatment of Punk. I feel like a right fraud when I try n make a Heyman promo sound interesting wae my words, cause nothing can really do it justice other than watching it yersell, so aye. Watch it yersell mate. Drink it in, you wont regret it. He ends the promo by reminding us all that theres a right good chance Heyman will wind up gettin his shit ruined by punk at Night Of Champions. He then informs us that if Punk gets his hands on him, we wont ever see Heyman again but thats nae good for anyone. Lets no even joke aboot that eh Paul mate.
Luke Harper and Erik Rowan vs Fat Flash Funk x2
Is there anything in this world sadder than Tons of Funk? Honestly man, seein Broadus Clay staunin on the stage wae the other wrasslers on RAW last week, wae his two stripe joggies and a chain made ootae an auld bike chain. Its just a hert sickenin. YE USED TAE BE A MONSTER. Nice to see some Wyatt action but, and its predictably a total squasher. Tell ye somethin for free, Harper has one of the best big boots tae the heid in wrasslin right now. Absolute stoater so it is. He hits one of the chubsters wae it, before Rowan hits the big splash and thats that. Game over. Bray comes in and hits big Tensai wae Sister Abigail. Seems like wasted motion tae me, The Wyatts squashing these two bawbags and cunts like R-Truth. They should be causin utter chaos. Sacrificing lambs live on tele and drinking their blood, or other similarly creepy shit.
Daniel Bryan vs Ryback
Never thought I'd type these words but THANK FUCK FOR THIS RYBACK MATCH. A Ryback match means that there wid be nae creepy as fuck promo, where he rolls a gammon steak intae a wee baw a sticks it up JTGs erse, or suhin like that. He also happens to be wrasslin my hero, yer Daniel Bryan so that should mean its no total baws eh? surely? Ach it was awrite. The big cunt insae totally useless in the ring. Bryan goes intae dangerzone mode, and goes aw daft. Hitting the dropkick in the corner, before Ryback rolls oot and gets smacked wae a stoater of a suicide dive. Then that viper cunt comes oot and does some really distracting shadow puppetry, which allows Ryback to get the upper hand briefly. Bryan gets back on top but, and kicks the tits clean aff Ryback for a while, as Big Show slams his big haun on the announce desk in approaval. Nice tae see ye no bubblin lit a big Jessie for the first time in the night meht. He goes to lock in the yes lock, only for Randall tae come rushin in and break it up, Bryan catches him but and gets him in the Yes Lock briefly, only fur the Shield to jump in, and once again its Daniel Bryan ending another weekly WWE show gettin his shit ruined. Breks my hert so it does and it wis breaking Show anaw, cause the big yin HAD ENOUGH. He's DONE wae the pain, and in he comes to gie Danny some hauners.
Weirdly Show disnae even touch them. Just his presence is enough tae make them back off, before Triple H comes doon and gies the big hero some aggro. I don't get this ataw, I mean its effective heel work fae Trips, but why the fuck is the Big Show greetin aw the time? I love face Big Show, but greetin face Big Show? no so much ma man. Yer needin tae get back tae knockin cunts oot wae wan dig ya big belter ye. Trips orders Show tae the back like hes a fuckin wee wally dug, and that leaves Orton and The Shield free tae kick fuck out of DBry again, before Orton spraypaints "thug life" on Bryans chest, then leaves.
Overall, despite the Miz heavy first hauf hour, and the soul destroying Axel promo, it was a good show. Have tae gie the devil his due and say Trips wis heeltastic throughout. Bryan and Ryback was actually a pretty solid wee match anaw so aye. We'll gie this Smackdown 3 and a hauf brainbusters oota 5.
Remember. Stay safe, unless yer trained as a wrassler or yer really good at selling moves. Don't try this.
No comments:
Post a Comment