TNA troubles me. The extreme shifts in mood I have whilst watching pretty much anything they produce these days can't be healthy. Hogan emerges...overwhelming rage as he sucks the life out of anything he gets involved in. Austin Aries emerges, happiness. Almost guaranteed good wrestling, and finely crafted beard-work. The MEM Mafia come out? just an uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach, like I've just ate some bad enchiladas and I'm awaiting the impending shitstorm. Its a shame to see legends like Sting and Angle reduced to one of the most poorly executed Stable vs Stable feuds I've ever seen. Forced to take a backseat while MMA guys who couldn't give two shits eat up airtime to promote their upcoming fight. Sure, RAW has done some shameless promoting of Total Divas, but at least that's a WWE produced show.
Anyway, I wont keep you too long with my aimless ranting. This was another of those free "PPVs"which basically means its a show which used to be a TNA PPV, but is now given away for free. This time its Hardcore Justice, and in case you were in any doubt as to what a hardcore match is, we get a VT of various TNA wrestlers bleeding profusely before the show. In a time where blood in wrestling is a sensitive issue, its nice to see that TNA are aware the potential feelings of their audience, and are trying their best not to be divisive in any way. ;)
The blood VT was after a short, and awfully forced Jeff Hardy/Austin Aries promo. I wasn't watching TNA at the time Jeff won the belt from Aries, but judging by the two matches I've seen them have since, and any promo they've both been involved in, you'll struggle to make a case to me as to why anyone thought it was a good idea to take the belt off Aries, and put it on Jeff. You could fit a basketball court, and the whole country of Switzerland (including all its basketball courts, making the first one kinda redundant) in the gulf in class between the two of them.
Austin Aries vs Kazarian vs AJ Styles vs Jeff Hardy (Ladder match for 20 BFG series points)
I do love ladder matches. Its my one weakness when It comes to reviewing wrestling impartially. When I see ladders, I can't help but succumb to a sense of childlike wonder. So many possibilities, so little time. Whilst this was a highly entertaining match, they had one fundamental problem. The ladders seemed to be made of elastic. Anytime anyone took a hit with a ladder, its seemed to bend into 15 different directions. The clearest indicator yet that TNA are struggling for money if they're using ladders that you could likely fold up and carry in your back pocket. Kazarian and Aries were undoubtedly the two top performers in the match. Kaz seemed to have the look of a man who knew something we didn't, and that thing becomes clear when his new stablemate Bobby Roode, and long time tag partner Christopher Daniels come down to ringside, after all 4 competitors have turns each of jostling for position on the ladder, and reaching for the erm....piece of paper on a clipboard, which I assume says "20 POINTS!" on it. As Roode distracts the ref (in a no DQ match) Daniels hands an Appletini to Kaz, and he uses it to blind Jeff Hardy (even though he misses him with it mostly, but lets not get hung up on these minor details) leaving him a clear path to reach up, and clutch that magnificent clipboard and collect the 20 points. An entertaining opener, but no real impressive spots to speak of it that I can recall. Outstanding performances from Kaz and Aries. As good as Kaz has looked in months.
Dixie Carter in the ring with the MEM next. Looking like your mum does when she gets her best clothes on to go out for dinner on holiday. She's wishing Kurt Angle all the best, and that's nice, but ultimately detrimental to this MEM/Aces and Eights angle which is steeped in mind numbing kayfabe. Dixie clears out. Aces and Eights come down, and the worst promo in the history of August 2013 kicks off; just an awful exchange between Anderson and all of the MEM members in the ring. The reason why its just Anderson speaking on behalf of Aces and Eights is because if anyone else got on the mic, there would have to be a breaking weather report to inform people that it was suddenly raining TVs. Magnus says something about one of them going home with the pink slip next week when this 5 on 5 match happens. I cared so little my small intestine started eating itself just so I would feel something. Aces and Eights end up attacking MEM, and as they have the numbers advantage they get the better of them. Afterwards all 5 of them sort of look bemused, before simultaneously saying "If we're a biker gang, why don't any of us have motorbikes?"
Gail Kim vs Mickie James vs ODB
No idea why this wasn't for the title, but it was an entertaining battle nonetheless. Helps to re-establish ODB as a wrestler again also. Mickie sets up a chair in the corner early on, and encourages Gail to help her send ODB towards it, which they indeed do. They both cover ODB for the pin though, which just isn't good team work. No communication. As the saying goes there's no "I" in team, but there's 2 "M"s in communication. Also during this match its announced there is to be NO HULK HOGAN again which made me perform my first successful back-flip. Mickie produces a Kendo Stick and proceeds to whip ODB with it. ODB gets a hold of the stick though, and takes it to the midriff of both her opponents, before pulling an extra bra out of her eh.....original bra. Before hanging Gail Kim with it for a few seconds. Back in the ring, ODB has to duck another Kendo assault, before setting up a chair, and hitting Gail Kim with Bam on the chair for the win.
Sting and Aries promo backstage. Sting is asking Aries if he will join the MEM for one night, during the 5 on 5 match next week. He compliments his jacket. Its nice. Pointless but nice. I'll leave it at that. Aries doesn't really give an answer, but events later would indicate that he isn't the 5th man.
Roode promo. Just him and a jaunty camera. He talks about potentially being in 2nd place in the BFG series if he wins the tables match tonight. If I was to call this promo anything, I'd say informative. Because Roode lets us know that he can indeed count. Not that I ever doubted his ability, but its good to know for sure regardless.
MEM minus Sting talking backstage. Another one of those times where TNA strings together unrelated segments, and alienates the casual viewer. I don't even know what was said, why most of them were shirtless, or why Spike Dudley was there. I don't know why any of this happened.
Next up is a VT about the upcoming World Title match between Sabin and Bully, in the steel cage. Its been a solid 20 minutes now since anyone last participated in a wrestling match. The VT ends and it cuts to Bully on the phone to Brooke. He loves her, and I loved pressing mute and putting on some De La Soul instead of listening to this nonsense.
After that we had a Rampage Jackson promo. The stuff that pure unadulterated nightmares are made of. My eyes. They burn. My Ears. They remove themselves from my head and beg to be made into chewing gum. End the pain please. He speaks for a while in the most unconvincing manner, so bad that he could tell me the sky is blue and I wouldn't have believed a word of it. He then urges Ortiz to approach the ring, and 4 ships sailing across the Atlantic Ocean sunk for no apparent reason. Awful stuff. He urges Ortiz to be the 5th man on their team next week, and then encourages Ortiz to take over TNA with him, like they did with MMA. While Samoa Joe, a respected professional wrestler stood there and took it. It was truly awful, and it wasn't over yet as Bully emerges next to tell everyone in the ring that he'd be beating them all up right now if it wasn't for his World Title match later. I'm not sure how it all came to a conclusion as I think I stuck a pen in my ear and turned off my remaining brain cells, but before we knew it...a match had started.
Bobby Roode vs Samoa Joe vs Ken Anderson vs Magnus (Tables Match for 20 BFG points)
Most of the early part of this match was Bobby Roode moving tables around, so that was fun. Then some wrestling breaks out, mainly from Samoa Joe. The match isn't much to write home about if I'm honest, well that's before Joe sets Anderson up on a chair next to the barricade and hits him with the running knee. That's always a fun spot. The next notable incident is also from Joe, as Roode is dazed on the outside, Anderson whips Joe off the ropes and Joe hits Roode with a suicide dive. The match is brought to an end when Kaz comes rushing out to help Roode, and manages to distract Joe. Leaving Roode free to hit Magnus with an Appletini handed to him by Daniels. You did read that correctly incase you're wondering. Both matches used the EXACT same awful finish. Roode puts Magnus through the table with a powerbomb and earns the 20 points.
Sting talking about Ortiz joining the MEM next week. Saying his gut tells him it'll all work out. I just want to put my arm around him and tell him it'll all be ok. It wont always be like this. One day he'll be able to pick and choose his feuds and not have to pretend he cares about this noise.
Chris Sabin vs Bully Ray (Steel Cage match for the TNA Title)
On a positive note, this was 5x better than the stinker these guys served up 4 weeks ago when Sabin took the belt. It actually involved some wrestling which was a refreshing change. Sabin hits Bully with an impressive cross-body early on, which is immediately better than anything that happened in their first match. Sabin spends much of the early exchanging trying to escape and being pulled down. Gotta weaken your man a bit more Sabin mate! Bully takes over, and throws Sabin into the cage like a Frisbee. The match goes back and forth, with Sabin reversing a lot of Bullys power moves, but Sabin gets the upper hand and pulls Bullys jacket off for some reason. Bully does not take too kindly to this, and decided to dislodge Sabins jaw with a big boot. The match goes back in Sabins direction again, as he hits Bully with a missile dropkick, but the ref is passed out from doing too many beer bongs and cant count to 3. Sabin then attempts to go out the door before Ken Anderson intervenes and smashes him with the aforementioned door. Before closing it again and saying "You shall not pass" (I know I'm often sarcastic in these reviews, but i can assure you he really did say that) Then by far the most hilarious save in wrestling history occurs, as Rampage and Ortiz rush to ringside, Ortiz seems to make his way there on quicksand as there's a look of 2 parts desperation, and 1 part constipation on his face throughout. Rampage clears Anderson out the way, before Ortiz produced a hammer from behind his ear and knocks Rampage out with it. Hahaha..the most irrelevant double cross in wrestling history, it almost brought a tear to my eye seeing it. I felt I'd witnessed something truly iconic. Bully is stirring, and when he gets up, he fires Sabin into he cage again before hitting the Bully Bomb for the win. Bubba Ray Dudley is now a 2 time world Champion. Both reigns in 2013. The world's gone mad.
Overall Impact presents Hardcore Justice was just....terrible. Really awful, ladder match was good but had that awful finish, and the Knockouts Match made sense, but aside form that it was highly confusing and messy as a wrestling show. A real shame, because there was no Hogans involved at all, and last weeks episode was encouraging but overall I'd give this 4.5 bronco busters out of 10.
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