Keep this quiet ok? Make it our little secret, because I fear if we tell too many people, it might not happen again. Are we agreed? cool.
TNA Impact actually resembled a wrestling show this week!
I know right? utter madness, especially when you consider just how awful the opening promo was.
I'll let you have a guess on who/what this promo contained by letting you know what I would relate it to. Imagine a row of a million escalators, all on an infinite descent downwards, with the people on them running their nails down a chalkboard. Imagine that simultaneous screeching and popping of eardrums....imagine the chaos. Imagine a promo where both Chris Sabin and Brooke Hogan get to speak.
It was just as horrendous as you'd imagine. I love Sabin as a worker, but if you're a veteran and every promo you cut sounds like your first...you shouldn't be cutting promos. You should never be the leading guy in a wrestling company either. Even in the state TNA are in, there are still at least 10 guys more capable of carrying the company than Sabin. Sadly Bully is one of them. The promo is a mess, aside from Brooke and Sabins awful mic skills. Basically Brooke knows something about Bullys contract that only her and Hulk Hogan know, and Hulk is on holiday so that's why she's out there, and then Bully and Sabin sign the match for the TNA Belt at One Night for Hardcore Justice or whatever show its going to be in. On to the wrasslin!
Samoa Joe vs Jeff Hardy (BFG Series Match)
This match was fine, but I just cant shake the feeling that Jeff Hardy isn't invested in his work these days. Every match feels like he's running through the same old tired routine. There's no spark there anymore. On the flipside Joe has been hugely impressive over the past 2 months, and for me he carries this match for the most part. They have a back and forth of attempted finishes, before Mr Anderson on commentary stands up and distracts Joe, allowing Hardy to roll him up for the pin. A decent match with a poor finish, and that would be a theme that would run throughout the show. Know what theme didn't run throughout the show? me wanting to plant my skull into the drywall. So that's a good thing right? Hardy wins picking up 7 BFG Series points in the process.
Next up is Daniels discussing his match later with his Bad Influence partner Kaz. Bad Influence are one of the few things I genuinely look forward to on Impact every week. Split them up, and you'll be receiving a strongly worded email from yours truly. Angry face emoticons galore.
Magnus vs Mr Anderson
Another passable match. Short, but these two at least looked comfortable in there together. Magnus looks like he's heading for yet another BFG series win, when he connects with a flurry of offense. But Anderson hits back, before Bobby Roode comes striding down the ramp and belts Anderson with a chair. Why would he do such a thing?...well perhaps its because it led to Magnus, the BFG points leader being DQ'd and thus losing 10 points! Method in the madness after all. Roode then announces that he's back to being the old Roode; the Roode that don't give an eff about nothin! He's coming to reclaim the gold. Simple at that. Couldn't care less who's jaw he has to stomp on to reach his goal. Anderson wins by DQ earning 3 BFG points, and Magnus loses 10.
Next up was TNA doing that really odd thing where they string 3 or 4 unrelated backstage promos together. For me that's just poor show running, and will have people tuning in purely for the wrestling switching channels. Do we really need to see Mickie James telling Robbie E and Vinny from Jersey Shore that they need to focus on their match later? Do we need to see Magnus tell the referee from his match that he understands and accepts the decision to DQ him? this isn't up for appeal big man, even if you decided to throw Brian Hebner in the Pacific Ocean for making the decision, you'd still have -10 points. Lastly, why in the world would you have Chris Sabin speaking TWICE on the same show. This time its a backstage promo with Angle and Sting. He thanks them for watching his back. Essentially he's a MEM member, but they cant tailor a suit properly to fit his tiny body, so he cant be officially inducted until they do.
Tito Ortiz promo next. Introduced by Jeremy "my eyes are retreating back into my skull" Borash. I'll tell you what advice I'd give Ortiz if I could. Two things. 1. Engage in the crowd more effectively when you speak. Pro wrestling isnt like MMA, where the brutality of the action does the talking most of the time. 2. Never ever speak.
Its a shame that Angle is continually dragged into these awful segments. I can half understand the DUI when you consider how little job satisfaction he has these days. The promo descends into some pointless nonsense about how Angle will give Ortiz respect, and space if ...erm....Ortiz gives Angle respect...and space. Cause you absolutely must have the space. Without space, only lawlessness exists. Bully emerges for some reason and tells Ortiz who he is, before announcing he was going to become a 2 time World Champion and then maybe smack Ortiz in the face if he feels like it. Tito ends the promo by comically looking into the camera, turning into a cartoon and sayin "What have I got myself into!" the whole audience laugh and throw beverages in the air in celebration. Its a poignant moment.
Gunner, James Storm and ODB vs Mickie James and The Dregs Of Society
Maybe all this TNA reviewing recently has saw the elimination of the final remnants of my sanity, but I actually really liked this. The match had a frenetic pace to it, and neither team could really get the upper hand. Not enough Mickie and ODB though, but at least this match served to legitimize this feud for the Tag Belts, which has had the sum total of one promo and one match allocated to it over the past 6 weeks. It actually looks like Mickie and the boys are heading for the win, before Storm superkicks Jessies head clean off, and then they hit Robbie E with a sick looking double team slam into a neckbreaker for the win.
Gail Kim is then shot out of a cannon, and lands right on top of ODB. She rains down lefts, and rights before she's stopped by refs. Only for Mickie James to pick up where she had left off. They both escape without feeling ODBs fiery, and decidedly breasty wrath, but I'm sure that'll come another day. The knockouts (Brookes involvement aside) are the only thing about TNA which ALWAYS delivers. It just makes sense, even when it shouldn't.
Kaz backstage talking about the match with Daniels. Do NOT split up Bad Influence. This is your final warning TNA. Do not do this.
Christopher Daniels vs Kazarian (BFG Series Match)
Guys I'll put your troubled minds at ease right away. They didn't split up Bad Influence here. I know right, a stupid move which would hurt the company? seems right up TNAs street. Common sense prevailed though.I would have given them 10 minutes to display how good they are in the ring together, but sadly they only for about 5, before they both step out of the ring and accept a double countout, friendship wins out in the end. It always does. Bobby Roode once again emerges with chair in hand whilst Kaz and Daniels are standing on the apron. This time though, Bobby walks right past them and drops the chair in the ring, before getting on the mic and explaining that he and Bad Influence have formed an unstoppable alliance. Hell bent on getting all three of them to the top of the BFG series leaderboard. I actually loved this. Very interested to see where it ends up, assuming TNA don't completely forget about it like they do with most of their storylines.
Hardy vs Aries vs AJ Styles vs Kazarian in a ladder match is announced for next weeks Impact. As you will know by now, I am huge ladder match enthusiast, so this announcement took me from 6 to midnight.
The Dudley Boyz vs Chris Sabin and Mystery MEM Member
Considering the rest of the MEM had appeared until this point, I was convinced Sabins partner would be Sting. When it was announced that it would be Sting, I turned to the dog and said "told you it would be Sting!" but she was asleep so I wrote about it on the internet instead. Only it wasn't Sting at all. It was the old switcharoo! the old bait n switch! as Angle appears in the ring and starts to re-arrange some Dudley faces. This match was actually great. Proof that Bully ad D-Von really belong in the tag division, as their chemistry shone through. The fact that it was allowed to go 15 minutes proves just how keen they are to emphasise Sabins wrestling skills, which makes him being allowed to speak twice on the show beforehand all the more confusing. Sabin unleashes a flurry of offense on both Dudleys, after tagging himself in, before ducking out the way of a clothesline from Bully, who instead delivers the clothesline to his brother D-Von. Sabin then rushes towards Bully, but Bully throws him all the way from the ring, to the locker room before they hit the 3D on Angle. Bully then urges D-Von to get the tables, before ordering a member of staff to retrieve Sabin from the locker room. They set Sabin up on a table which is propped up in the corner, and Bully goes for the spear, before Sabin moves out the way and Bully pretty much breaks his upper torso in half by launching himself through the table. A helluva bump big man. I take my hat off to you. Sabin then hits a cross body from the top rope on D-Von for the win. Really strong match to end the show, which ended with the Champ looking strong. This was a wrestling decision which made sense, on Impact. Almost brought a tear to my eye watching it.
Overall despite some awful promo work, this felt like a 2 hour wrestling show for the first time in at least a month. Minimal MEM/Aces and Eights nonsense and plenty of interesting potential story-lines (Roode and Bad Influence mainly) makes it a good show. Absence of Austin Aries is offset by the absence of Hulk Hogan so overall I give it a generous 7 spinning heel kicks outta 10.
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