When Raw kicks aff wae Daniel Bryan striding doon the ramp in his gear, ye can only assume its gonnae be a good RAW. A RAW which is braw. But naw. It was not a braw Raw.
Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett (Brad Maddox special ref)
Whit a total dick tease of a mini feud this has been. They've had 4 or 5 matches over the past month, and none of them have gone past 10 minutes. Such a waste so it is, they have decent chemistry together so why not gie them the chance to tear it up together. This was another promising, but ultimately pointless match, as Brad Maddox comes doon the ramp in refs gear, having sweated through the Leather sweatsuit he had on originally. Sweattox quick counts Bryan, and gies Barrett the win, prompting Daniel Bryan tae think about knocking him clean oot, but ultimately deciding against it.
Randy Orton vs Damien Sandow
Two matches and nae shite promo stuff tae kick us off, I wis baws oot n luvin it at this point. This was another bit of an underwhelming match though, as both MITB winners kinda cancelled each other out. Compared to the stoater of a match Randy had wae RVD on Smackdown, this wis a bit boring. It did further this crackin Rhodes/Sandow angle though, and Codys distraction when he tries to steal Sandows briefcase leads tae Orton hitting the RKO for the win. Cody on commentary wis by far the best thing about this, yer man's well informed and comes across like someone who wisnae born with this unquenchable thirst for being an arsehole. Even if he wis speakin Swahili, wae that kinda demeanor he's a million times better than any of the current commentary team.
Undoubtedly the highlight of RAW for me here. A genuinely eerie Dean Ambrose promo. I mean its a shield promo, and Rollins speaks anaw for some reason, but Ambrose steals the show. Why they haven't been pushing him in a feud as a singles wrestler I really don't fuckin know. He's an artist. As happy as I am for Rhodes n Sandow to have broken out of midcard hell, they cannae haud a candle to this guy. If he isn't at the top end of the card by the time 2014 is done, theres somethin very wrang.There is a 20 man battle royal announced, with the winner facing Ambrose for the US Title at Summerslam, and basically Deano has us believing that not one man in it could beat him. Its promo magic. Its a bucket full of yass. Its smashin meht.
Next up wis that Lesnar VT again. Same one fae Smackdown. It's still some forced sounding bollocks, but ultimately necessary tae build the feud.
That wis followed by Punk doing that thing. Know the one I'm on aboot? wae the words he says and aw the passion and conviction in the way he delivers them. I'm quite decent wae words at times, but I couldnae even begin tae approach the genius this man conveys. He could make a match wae Khali sound appealing if he cut a promo about it. Could prolly just show up say "Khali" intae a camera and leave, and I'd be intae it. The promo is about his match wae Paul Heyman later, but it could be about how his auntys glaucoma medicine isnae workin anymore, and it wid still be captivating.
Khali and Natalya vs AJ and Big E
This wis perhaps the biggest fuckup of a match in RAW history. It wis truly mesmerizing how badly fuckin everyone (Natty aside) made a complete arse of this. Firstly, neither of the guys were tagged in ataw, so they might aswell have no bothered their arses. Shoulda got a wee game of draughts backstage or suhin. Mibbe spark up a coupla doobs, and fuckin forget. Secondly, Natty makes AJ tap tae the sharpshooter right in front of the ref and HE DIDNAE CALL FOR THE BELL. Then the arena turned intae a basketball court and Khali rolls Big E intae a wee baw and dunks him. End scene.
Vin O Mac and Braddox segment. Sick. In. Ma. Mooth. Only thing that could top this shit, wid be if Triple H made an...aw yer fuckin kiddin. There he is noo. Hullo Trips! how are you gonnae be ruining RAW for us this week? Well he interrupts Vince announcing Brad as the special ref for the WWE Title match at Summerslam by infact announcing he'll be the ref. Hahaha OK! The owner of the company cannae over-rule that decision ataw, cause its no like he fuckin owns the place or anythin is it. Triple H also pedigrees Maddox, and with that I assume we'll no see him on tv tae at least October. The first Triple H burial I've ever been in full support of.
Kane vs Titus O'Neil
Pile of shite. I dig ye Titus, yer a funny cunt, but ye cannae wrestle tae save yersell mate. Kane chokeslams him for the win and thats that. Nae need for this match ataw, it wis purely tae set up the promo which followed. The arena goes dark, and Wyatts music plays, but when the lights come back on harper and Rowan are in the ring and Kane has bolted. Advantage Kane gaun intae Summerslam, unfortunately we had nae words fae Bray this week, but ye cannae have it aw ma man.
Fuckin Bellas segment, one of them slaps Natalya anaw. I know Natty slapped her last week but thats just not fuckin on. If Jim The Anvil isnae doon at RAW next week huvin a word wae these cows, I'm gonnae huv tae step in here.
Alberto Del Rio vs Kofi Kingston
This wis actually a decent match. For how little of a fuck I gied about it, it kept me entertained. Kofi has always been an exciting wrassler, but character wise he's just a smiley naecunt. ADR is similar, cept he's a sour faced naecunt. Nae Ricardo just isnae a good thing for him, cause unless he's intae some genuinely diabolical heel shit, naebdy could care less about him. He wins this wee match wae the cross armbreaker, and then a Christian video package wae the worst music ever plays. Whit a fuckin dire way to build yer WH Title match man, first ye have them wrassle each other twice in a week, and then this meaningless shite. Chrisitan has a wee backstage interview anaw, and ADR interrupts. Fuckin so whit? Their match at Summerslam will be gid, but its as little as a fuck as I've gied about any title match in a long while. If its no Dolph, its no good mate.
Cesaro and Swagger vs The Usos
Easily match of the night. Mibbe I'm just sayin that cause Cesaro gies me twinges in my happy place, but it wis really gid meht. Zeb cuts a promo before it anaw, which is always a good time. Basically just any place he's in has allowed immigrants tae take over, and they should be ashamed. Fur a bonafide patriot, he seems tae be really intent on burning his homeland tae the ground. Listen but, the match wis another lovely wee fast paced affair between these teams, and this time the Usos went over as Jimmy or Jey rolled up Swagger for the win. Also Jey or Jimmy hit Cesaro wae the stinkface, which wis a nice wee tribute to their faither the bold Rikishi. Warmed my heart that, so it did.
Miz TV segment. its between Cena and Bryan mainly though, and Cena starts it off by slating Miz Tv right away, which is as enthused as I've been about Cenas words since...ever. The promo is fuckin brilliant, intense stuff between the two. Bryan saying Cena isnae a wrestler, and how this is just another Summerslam for him but for Bryan this is EVERYTHING. Its crackin stuff for the best part of 10 minutes, before Triple H interrupts it and then Orton appears on the ramp wae the briefcase. Neither of them say a fuckin word either. Ortons potential cash in makes me heavy nervous aboot Summerslam so it does. Imagine DBry wins clean after a 30-40 minute war, and then Orton strides doon and cashes in. I'd greet for weeks.
Fandango vs R-Truth
It wis a dance off, and it can fuck off.
20 Man Battle Royal for a shot at the US Title
This was a lot of fun. I like how many ex world champions were involved, really gave credibility to the US Belt and Ambrose. The frontrunners were obviously Mark Henry, RVD and (sigh) Ryback and those are the last three remaining, RVD and Mark Henry are the final two, and RVD pulls the top rope down as Henry rushes towards him, winning the whole shebang and setting up a potentially scintillating match wae Ambrose at Summerslam. The Shield then head for the ring, lookin tae hand oot a 3 on 1 beatdown tae RVD, but Mark Henry joins him in the ring, and who else but the fuckin BIG SHOW returns tae even the numbers, and The Shield correctly shite their pants and scurry for the exits. Show is lookin fuckin lean anaw.
Paul Heyman vs CM Punk
The match didnae really happen mate. Sorry tae tell ye. Heyman tapes up his fists and comes oot lookin ready for a match, but it disnae materialise. Instead he summons the beast tae the ring and oot comes Brock. Two weeks in a row big yin? ye'll huv a company email address in nae time big yin. Yer full quota of holidays anaw. Punks music comes on, but he does a wee sneaky sneak and attacks Brock fae behind. This is the first time Punk has got the better of the physical battle between these two so that wis braw, that makes me believe he's gonnae win this match, and that would be the fuckin right move. He hits the GTS on Brock, then chases Heyman doon the ramp, but Axel appears tae stop him getting tae Paul, so he eats a GTS anaw. Punk reigns supreme.
Overall, a bit of a shite RAW, but for aw the braw DBryness, Punk, Ambrose promo and Cesaro being involved in two matches it gets a solid 6.75 oota 10.
Tidy.
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