I swear tae god, touch that beard and ye'll feel my fiery wrath ya auld cunt ye!
Aye, the opening segment was Daniel Bryans makeover and it was actually a surprisingly entertaining affair. I thought it wid be a total cheesefest, with DBry getting a makeover live, but it wis actually a funny wee vignette of him getting kitted oot in a wee suit, and getting his mane of hair slicked back. The beard went untouched and and even Steph seemed content tae step aside after introducing DBry tae let the boy get tae promo'in. Fanatastic promo it was anaw, easily his best intense promo in WWE. He gies it aw that patter about how Cena's an entertainer and Daniel Bryan is a "wrassler!" and I believe every word. I believe him when he says if he ever gets fired fae WWE he'll go back to the indies and wrassle in front of 30 people in wee gym halls, because even though he probably widnae go that far, he sells it tae me like a champ. Like a WWE Champ.
Vince is on hand to pour cauld water on what looked like a perfect promo anaw. I wis wary of it when he came oot, especially when he fired intae some atrocious patter about Daniel Bryan being the first troll WWE champion (Rey Mysterio is a myth apparently, a man without knees is not a man) and then when he tells us he does indeed intend to wipe DBrys beard aff the face of the earth, I hud tae sharpen the Stanley blade. Disnae matter if I'm thousands of miles away Vinny, I'll get ye somehow mate. He urges some lackies tae bring doon a barbers chair, then orders Wade Barrett to do the cutting for...some fuckin reason. Apparentely if yer the go to jobber in WWE at any time, ye literally get AW the jobs. Anyway, Daniel heroically sticks the nut on Wade, shaves HIS daft lookin beard for him and tells Vince tae sook his root. I'm looking at the new WWE Champion right here. Nae doobt.
RVD vs Alberto Del Rio
A stormer of a start here. First and foremost the match was superb. RVD is lookin less like he's on the verge of imminent death, and the mat is less of a sticky sweaty mess during his matches. Sharp as fuck RVD ma man, you keep that cardio on the go and limit yer visits tae White Castle tae one a week. The match is a well paced, technically perfect encounter, before ADR runs intae the bucket Ricardo Rodriguez has set up in the corner, and RVD rolls him up for the win. Hilariously before the match, Ricardos return is announced after a "serious injury"..is that right aye? did he pull a muscle carryin that big bag a steroids up tae his penthouse apartment? anyway, Del Rio knocks his fuckin cunt in after the match wae the aforementioned bucket. Meaning a probable end to this alliance. Its a classic heel move as often Ricardo has been the only thing connecting ADR wae the fans, and he undoubtedly made his face run bearable, so if they really want ADR to be a top heel in the company, this was essential. He really fuckin batters him tae, and Ricardo sells it like a champ. Only thing ADR needs tae learn now is how to cut a promo that disnae sound like white noise in a Mexican accent. Gid genuine heat created here but, mibbe he'll be one of they heels who lets his prickish behaviour dae the talkin as opposed to his actual gub.
Next up is a Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow promo. Lovely. I've never been happier for a pair of cunts tae break out of midcard hell as these two. Cody in particular, who as the sons of legends go, seems like a genuinely sound and extremely hard working guy. The promo is another entertaining affair, with Cody producing Damiens MITB aw covered in seaweed and discarded spunk rags. Damien comes oot and gies it aw that "haw you!" patter and that's about it. A match between the two is announced afterwards and it isnae gonnae be a ladder match for the briefcase, which is a fuckin travesty but lifes full of them. Move on meht. I huv.
Mark Henry vs Ryback
I don't get it. Whit the fuck is Ryback now? He seems tae dip between 1950s bully wan week, tae total man diddied shitebag the next. I'm no gettin it kiddo. I wis fine wae seeing my main man Mark Henry go over at his expense, as Ryback takes a deliberate countout cause he cannae take the doing that's getting handed oot tae him, but I don't get it. Either bury him or dont. As much as I dislike Ryback this character purgatory he seems tae be in isnae fair.
Another fuckin total divas segment. The Bellas and whoever that fuckin rid haired trollop is, giving Natalya jip. Natalya leathers Brie and that's that. Gid on ye hen. Hopefully I don't get the same treatment when I eventually propose tae her, cause it looked sare.
Shut the fuck up John. Shut the fuck up. I've heard this promo every other week for 5 years mate. Shut fuckin up. Blah blah....these people....some pish joke....I take the boos and the cheers cause im a hero. MATE WE GET IT. WHEESHT. Randy Orton comes oot tae double my apathy towards this segment, but luckily The Shield appear tae save the day. It looks like a 3 on 2 attack, before Daniel Bryan comes oot tae evn the odds. Braddox comes oot and instantly sweats through the Iron Man suit he's wearing, before daein a shanner of a Teddy Long impression and awkwardly booking a 6 man tag between the boays. To book a 6 man tag in the main event of a WWE show, and not immediately gie props to Teddy Long is some underhand sneaky shit. Teddy Long invented this shit. Respect yer elders fannybaws.
Harper and Rowan vs Tons of Funk
Aye awrite. I'm sold. Not on the Wyatt Family. That happened after their first promo. I mean on Harper and Rowans in ring abilty. Neither are great, but they're improving and their work has a certain brutality about it. They of course squash Tons of Funk, cause they're the resident tag team jobbers it wid appear, and Bray enters tae hit Sister Abigail on Broadus before cutting another one of they spine tingling promos. Its interrupted by Kane on the titantron, who lets the boys know he gets it. He understands whit they're daein, but he disnae like how they're daein it and for that reason he wants to bring back the auld Kane tae bring it tae an end. The auld Kane that regularly tries to murder his da and older brother, and regularly sets things on fire. His promo ends with yon fire comin oot the turnbuckles and as it happens Bray sinks to his knees and drinks it in like a beautiful morning sunrise. Tae me that was iconic. Him in the middle of the ring, in the face of Kanes scariest routine and absorbing the fuckin madness. A perfect segment aw in, making Harper and Rowan look strong as a team, and furthering the angle between Kane and the Wyatts.
Oh and Kane is gonnae face Bray in a fuckin INFERNO MATCH at Summerslam, which makes this perhaps the most stacked Summerslam card in history. That'll be a fuckin stoater.
A wee Punk promo backstage. That man could read the ingredients aff a Cheesy Pasta box and it wid be something ye need in yer life. He lays intae Heyman, challenges him tae a match next week on RAW and that was that. For now anyway.
Layla vs Kaitlyn
Fuckin Layla. Widnae trust this wee cow as far as I could fling her. Infact sack that, I could prolly throw her quite far. I widnae trust her as far as I could fling Broadus Clay wae the Usos in his pockets. Didnae like this ataw. Nae stauner inducing Kaitlyn spear, and Layla got the win after AJ distracted Kaitlyn. Coupla wee cows so they urr.
Christian vs Heath Slater
I like this Christian push, but really aw he's done is wrassle since he came back. Nae character progression ataw, so I cannae see him winning the belt. This is just filler for ADR I reckon, until Sandow/Cody take the belt (or I hope Ziggler, but thats looking mare n mare improbable as the weeks roll on) Christian wins wae the spear. A tad pointless really, but its nice tae see big Drew is alive.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel
I'd have loved tae see this get a proper go, like Punk v Fandango did, but unfortunately aw the match really done is make Axel look like a complete naecunt. I mean the match was excellent, don't get me wrong. But the ending scunnered me a wee bit. The whole thing could have played out exactly the same way, with a cleaner finish that didnae turn Axel intae an irrelevance. A stramash occurs, wae Punk grabbing Heyman and the referee ringing the bell, fuck knows who won. The main point of the whole thing was for Brock tae appear, and after a right gid struggle, the numbers game gets the better of Punk and Lesnar eventually delivers a kindey crusher of an F5. In a wee bit of an old school move, all three of them are immediately interviewed backstage, Brock even fuckin SAYS WORDS although thankfully it wisnae many of them. Heyman then accepts Punks challenge or a match next week on RAW. That'll inevitably descend intae tomfoolery, but it should be a braw laugh gettin there.
Fandango vs Kofi Kingston
Nut. This can take itself tae fuck. Kofi Kingston has been stuck in no mans land for the best part of 5 years. The epitome of midcard. Who does it serve tae have him beat Curtis clean here? why the fuck did Y2J put him over at Mania? is this the big plan? make him look like a fanny in a different way every week. Nut. Fuck off. I like Kofi btw, he probably deserves better than being mid card fodder for all eternity, but ultimately he just has nothing special character wise. The Fandango gimmick COULD have been something great if they kept the sinister edge he had to him, but they've fucked it. Its aw over. Kofi won, probably wae trouble in paradise but I actually cannae mind. Mibbe Fandango tapped tae an armbar or suhin, widnae surprise me tbh.
Ye whit? a fucking stoater of a Triple H promo? in 2013? Couldnae believe my ears neither I couldnae, as he ignores Stephs diabolical acting to fire intae a genuinely heartfelt and intense promo about how he wont let Vince ruin aw the good shit going on in WWE right now cause of his stupid ego (lets just ignore the irony in that, having seen Trips ego ruin plenty of potential goodness in the past) aye it was a braw bit of promo action. Its a shame that it very well might lead tae Trips vs Vince at some point down the line, cause nae cunt needs tae see that.
Cesaro and Swagger vs The Usos
Pleasantly surprised by aw of this. Not only did it have yer usual braw bit of Zeb, but it has Cesaro daein that wrasslin thing he's really good at, and also him and Swagger looked like a fuckin great team. Had some nice wee bits of cohesive action, and dominated this match for the most part. Enjoyed this whole thing, particularly Cesaro getting the pin after hitting the neutralizer. Braw meht. Hopefully these teams have a good wee feud, cause I'm Usos daft anaw.
Dolph Ziggler vs Big E Langston
This is just so frustrating. The WH title match at Summerslam has pretty much nae heat. Nae angle between ADR and Christian. Yet these two guys have genuine and believable heat, and are churning out braw matches every week on RAW and they'll probably be stuck in a mixed tag match at Summerslam wae little significance. Its total shite. Dolph earned that fuckin spot, and got there with one of the most memorable moments in RAW history, yet he's back tae being the old reliable work horse, move selling genius that gets nae recognition. Another great match between these two, before AJ and Kaitlyn get involved and distract Ziggler, allowing Big E tae hit the big ending and get the pin. Kaitlyn moonwalks up the ramp lookin sad as fuck, having cost Dolph the match. Its awrite hen, he's a forgiving sort. Yees will be bestos again soon enough.
The Shield vs Cena, Bryan and Orton
This was messy to say the least. It was definitely late in starting, as there was maybe 12 minutes of airtime left by the time everyone was in the ring. Some of the action was good when it got going, but it all felt rushed and the finish was utterly baffling. I have never seen any team get DQd for breaking up a pin or submission hold, but thats how it goes down when Bryan has Rollins in the labell lock, and Ambrose and Reigns break the hold. A melee ensues, with Bryan and Cena clearing the Shield oot, before Orton hits the RKO on Bryan for eh...some reason. He then hits Cena with an RKO and thats when business picks up. He consideres for a moment, before deciding that NOW was the time to cash in his MITB briefcase, but just as he's about to take advatnatage of the stricken Cena, The Shield re-emerge and orton smartly retreats.The Shield make a beeline for Bryan, and deliver a spine bending Triple Powerbomb. Fuckin excellent way tae announce The Shield as major players again. Gid tae have yees back boays. The sooner Dean Ambrose is at the top end of the company the better.
Overall a bit of a sloppy RAW in places. Some baffling finishes, but the Bryan promo, anything involving Punk, Cesaro sighting/braw tag match, Dolph/Big E and The Shield looking strong makes it a right solid 6.5 Michinoku Drivers oota 10.
Be it playin Kerplunk up yer cousins bit, or on top of a burned oot motor doon the park. Stay safe. Dont try this.
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