Vickie Guerrero does strange things to my brain. One one hand you have to assume that for Eddie to devote so much of his life to her, that she surely must have some good qualities. Maybe she makes a clutch lasagne, or hand rolled some real nice cigars for him? Its hard to convince yourself this is the case however, when she opens Smackdown by introducing Daniel Bryan as the "laughing stock of WWE".
No.
Daniel Bryan is the result of his finally perfecting the process of making someone infinitely likeable. Not just in wrestling, but generally. My dad knows nothing about wrestling, but I bet I could have him liking Daniel Bryan within half an hour (that half hour would be spent showing him any video involving Daniel talk about bears).
I mean they took the perfect wrestler, gave him the platform to display his true personality with the Kane partnership (while also trying to bury him, but that's another story) and then they made his wee face really furry, which just made you want to get him in a really long and tender headlock....
Eh, where were we? Reviewing Smackdown. Right. Got it. Lets proceed with that then.
Daniel tells us he isn't aware of why Scott Armstrong gave him a quick count. Vickie Guerrero screams in his face about how he should be fired. Daniel is like "you don't have any real power, and you look like a toad" Vickie gets real ratty about that, and makes a huge(ly confusing) announcement...
Daniel Bryan and the 10 superstars who helped Daniel Bryan on RAW will all face The Shield in a handicap gauntlet match. That's right, as punishment for their actions they get an 11 on 3 gauntlet match, because numbers are a lie. I really don't get it. I hate gauntlet matches anyway, but this sounds even messier than your average effort and even Daniel Bryan looked confused as Vickie explained the match.
Naomi vs AJ Lee
This was good. Short, but good. Obviously more designed to further AJs feud with Natalya as Nattie was on commentary, but at least the match was decent, and brought an end to what seemed like an endless run of 6 women tag matches with awful finishes. AJ counters a crossbody attempt with a heel kick. Naomi gets some nice work in, including an impressive dropkick but AJ picks up the win with he black widow. A divas match which wasn't terrible and had a clean finish, I'd have thought there was more chance of The Miz locking in a properly applied Figure 4
Jack Swagger vs Santino Marella
Then that thing happened again. That thing where Antonio Cesaro walks down the aisle, gets in a wrestling ring, and then inexplicably steps aside so Jack Swagger can bore us all. On one hand its good that he wasn't made to job to Santino again, but on the other hand? zzzzzzzzzzz. Swagger does job to Santino in an instantly forgettable match, when Santino gets the pin with the backslide.
Of all the things I expected from WWE recently, Santino returning and being pushed to the moon was not one of them. I like Santino but I don't get it. Help me to get it please.
Is this really happening guys? seriously? Is Ryback relevant now?
One small kiss from Paul Heyman, one giant leap for The Big Guy.
Heyman introduces himself as the man who beat CM punk, and thus the "Best In The World" before introducing us to his hero. Ryback. Sip gets on the mic and it still isn't very good, but I find myself interested in it because of Heyman. If its wrestling related and Paul Heyman is within 10 feet of it, its going to be at least ok. Unless its a Curtis Axel promo, but he's exempt because he was carved from brick and old shoelaces. Ryback tells us how he's going to give this guy the same treatment CM Punk will be getting. Who is "this guy" I hear you ask? well its none other than...
Generic Jobber #340 vs Ryback
Ryback squashes the jobber. Or to present it more colourfully "Ryback skwashieeees the jabber"
Jobber got squashed yo.
Randy Orton solo promo. He was speaking really really slowly and my brain turned to mush. Its intense though. A very good promo by Ortons usual standards. He speaks of how he has returned to the old Viper, before we see his attack on The Miz again (I'd pay a monthly fee for a channel which shows it on a loop, but that's just me) He then promises to be his own WWE Champion, so I assume he's going to make a belt out of scrap paper and glitter, anyway...
Shield Time.
The Shield vs Dolph Ziggler, then a million other guys
So this is it. A match where The Shield have 11, 3 on 1 handicap matches. Well they have as many matches as they can before one man beats them, but surely that would'nt happen? Or wait....was it one member of The Shield against 3 people at a time and if The Shield member wins he gets his woodwork badge from the scouts? or.....I....what?
The first man to emerge is Darren Young, he's squashed. Then Titus. Squashed. 2 down, 9 to go.
Then it was time for the master of selling to sell a lot of stuff.
He just can't help himself can he. First he sells a 3 on 1 attack like its a 30 on 1 attack, before having a rally, only to have that rally brought to an abrupt halt by a Seth Rollins dropkick off the apron as Ambrose held Zigglers feet, before Reigns cuts him in half with the spear. Ziggler is counted out and its Kofi Kingstons turn to be mauled. He starts off well with a nice crossbody, but and a million dropkicks before hitting the trouble in paradise on Reigns, only for Ambrose to break the 3 count. The hounds of questionable justice finally got it together, and Ambrose pins Kofi with the facebuster. Then it was RVD time!
My names Martin, I'm 24, and I mark for RVD. I am not ashamed.
RVD starts handing out heel kicks and jabs to the face like a man possesed, before hitting Ambrose AND Rollins with rolling thunder (thats right...double the thunder!) before going up top for the 5 star frog splash but his progress was halted by a human shaped nose by the name of Triple H. He comes out to shout at Vickie Guerrero and brings the whole mess to a close. Instead of this gauntlet nonsense continuing, we'd have a 6 man tag between The Shield and Daniel Bryan/The Usos in the main event. Thank christ for that. As gauntlets go this was ok, but another 15 minutes of it might have lost you some casual viewers.
Luke Harper and Eric Rowan vs Zack Ryder and Justin Gabriel
At least Zack and Justin are jobbers who we can put names to. That is the key positive from this. I think. Harper knocks Ryders head clean into the Mediterranean Sea and that was that. Well not quite, as Bray hits him with Sister Abigail. NOW that's that.
Bray gets on the mic briefly afterwards and that's as majestic as you'd expect. Windham Rotunda is the perfect mixture of good wrestling heritage, god given ability and character development. Windham Rotunda is no longer Windham Rotunda. He's Bray Wyatt,
RVD receiving treatment backstage. Triple H apologies for stopping his match and tells him he has a re-match for the WH Title at Battleground. RVD and the medic exchange hilarious shocked looks before Alberto Del Rio beat RVD senseless with a bag filled with pork chops and pool balls.
Alberto Del Rio vs R-Truth
Or the ballad of two people I couldn't give the beginnings of a shit about. Del Rio won with the cross armbreaker. Too many squash matches this week for my liking.
Daniel Bryan and The Usos vs The Shield
Daniel Bryan gets in there with Seth Rollins early, and that's exactly what we like to see. Gets Rollins in the surfboard, before reaching back and tagging in Jimmy or Jey, and while he still had him in the surfboard, Jimmy or Jey hits a flying right hand to the jaw. Then some Usos double team action on Ambrose before Ambrose forces Jimmy or Jey, or Johnny into the corner and tags Reigns in. Reigns headbutts his cousin because he don't give an eff about nuffin! Rollins and Bryan have another brief exchange, then we see Dean Ambrose complete a move that if Randy Orton was responsible for it, it would send you to sleep. Just a simple snapmare into a chinlock but when Dean Ambrose does it, it just looks a lot more interesting. It of course comes down to Bryan and Ambrose, and Bryan hits that beautiful top rop Huricanrana to take control. Reigns breaks up the 3 count, before Jimmy or Jey gets some revenge by knocking him out of the ring and hitting the flying crossbody. Bryan gets Ambrose in the yes lock, but Ambrose reaches the ropes, only for the Usos to kick him with a double superkick from the outside. Ambrose is dazed, but still needs some finishing off and Daniel Bryan duly obliges with the flying knee to seal the win.
No funny business to end the show either. No Orton attack. No Big Show heel turn. Nothing. Just joy. Just Daniel Bryan, The Usos and the joy of victory.
Overall Smackdown was its usual engaging self, but for me there were too many squash matches for it to fully float my boat wrestling wise. I give it a solid 6.75 snapmares out of 10.
Remember, if its at home, in a restaurant round the corner from your work, or on top of your uncles brand new jet ski. Stay safe. Don't try this.
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