Triple H solo promos should never start anything. It shouldnae even be the intro for a show cawed "Triple H promos opening shows". Its no kosher. Nae gid. Nut.
He makes Daniel Bryan v Randy Orton a nae interference match. That's no a thing, but ye know whit I mean meht. Nae Big Show, Nae Reigns, Nae hauners aff The Road Dogg. None ae that shite. One on one. Square go. Heyman comes oot and asks Trips "why you be stiffin me bossman??!" and Trips is aw "I've no been stiffin anycunt, I've been deefyin ye" then Curtis Axel said something about Richard Blackwood huvin mad hits, before the big boays get tae natterin again. Trips realises that not every belt is gettin defended so he pits Axel in a match wae the first guy Trips walks past when he goes in the back, and that man is Kofi Kingston, efter Kofi shoves Yoshi Tatsu err a balcony tae get tae Trips first.
Curtis Axel vs Kofi Kingston (IC Title)
Heyman at the end thanking the gid lord wis the best thing about this. Match wis boring as fuck. Their match on RAW wis far better. Dragged in anaw did it no? slow as a week in the jail so it wis. Kofi hits the SOS but Axel kicked oot. Then a clay figure in the shape of Perry Saturn hit a German, n left, before Axel hits that jaunty neckbreaker thing tae retain, but before any of that mediocre shit happened we had....
PTV vs Tonnes Of Funk vs The Usos vs The Real Americans vs Free EmmBee
This wis yer pre-show and the winners face Rollins n Reigns in the main show. I'll tell ye suhin, it wis the third best match of the night so it wis. By miles anaw. Really entertaining stuff. Real Americans n Usos especially. Even Swagger looked gid, making Broadus and Jimmy/Jey/Johnny Uso tap wae anklelocks within 5 minutes of each other. Usos get intae it wae some smashin dives. Wan of them dived err the turnbuckle for cryin oot loud! Eventually it comes doon tae The Real Americans and The Prime Time Players, and despite my man Cesaro haudin it down for 15 minutes, they sneaky PTP wins sneak in fur the last 3, and Young gets the win efter hittin the Gutcheck.
AJ vs Natty vs Naomi vs Brieeeee (Divas Title)
Aw Nattie. Ye just looked that beautiful hen. Total goddess int she. I hope Tyson Kidd kens I'm gonnae be lookin fur him tae come up aff his burd soon. Anyway aye, Brie Bella comes oot in hilariously colourful gear, and AJ comes doon the stairs on rollerskates. A match breaks oot, and the other three batter the shite oota wee AJ, before Nattie gets they other two middens in a double sherpshooter. AJ dives in, her n Nattie huv a right steamy cuddle, before AJ makes Nattie tap tae The Black Widow. Didnae like Natty tapping, but I liked AJ retainin and lookin strong in the process. Well done tae ye hen.
Alberto Del Rio vs Robert Van Dam (WH Title Match)
I completely forgot about this when I previewed this shit, so that tells ye just how many fucks anycunt wis gien aboot it. Tell ye whit but compadre, shit wis allllright. Actually excellent in places. Del Rio cannae cut a promo. Yer auld granny kens. Lance Storm knows. Gregor Townsend disnae know for sure, but he suspects. Know whit he does dae well but? kickin muhfuckas. Kicks the living shite oota RVD here. Sare dunts. Efter RVD dominating, Del Rio rallies and hits a suicide dive heidbutt hing that wid make yer wan true love greet for days. Del Rio then misses wae a second suicide dive, before nae selling the fuck outtae a couple clotheslines. Nae yiss. Rolling thunder is blocked anaw, and yer man Del Rio hits the backstabber. Tilt O Whirl backbreaker for yer troubles tae. RVD in trouble. In soapy bubble. In itchy stubble. In Barney fuckin Rubble. RVD forgets his troubles tae hit a split leg moonsault, before realising them once more efter gettin armbreakered n super kicked intae next year. RVD aint done though son. Not by a long shot. Wee spinning heel kick, followed by a 5 star frog splash attempt which wis blocked tae fuck. Knees up, hoes down. ADR locks in the cross armbreaker, Van Dam reaches the ropes, Del Rio keeps it locked in anyway and efter a 5 count we've been DQ'd. Del Rios boring ass title reign continues and we huv tae like it or pump it. Del Rio lays intae RVD some mare, afore Ricardo jumps in and then RVD hits coast tae coast while Del Rio is haudin a chair against his ain face, cause Del Rio isnae the brightest bulb in the sink is he? Gid n solid wee match.
Never mind yer Sandow cash in, he just jobbed tae Santino. It isnae the time.
Miz vs Fandango
Must admit, I enjoy daein this reviewin a lot, but see when I get tae a match that I couldnae gie a fuck aboot, its always a wee buzz just tae skim err it. This wis shite, The Miz is nae fun. Fandango looked smashin right enough, but there's only so many positives ye can take fae a match where ye were made tae tap out tae such a mangled Figure 4. Miz won wae the figure 4 btw incase ye didnae gather that. I'm sure ye did but, yer sharp as a fuckin tack int ye. Stay sharp.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman
Punk and Axel. Chalice of charisma and widden pallett. CM Perfect vs Mr Punk. A Kendo stick each, a Kendo stick war. Punk bursts his within 10 seconds cause Axel is carved oota iron. Punk drags Heyman in. Heyman sneaks oot a side exit in a wig. Punk has actually dragged Mr Fuji intae the ring. Fuji morphs intae Tajiri and Tajiri graws wings n flys. Punk hits a spinning heel kick n a sexy wee high knee on Axel. Punk goes for the flying elbow but Axel gets outta town. Heymans lit that "you are better than him Axel my sweet" but Axel thinks he said "Bretter than him" and took it to be a weird Bret Hart reference. They exchange Kendo Stick shots before Punk hits the GTS, then locks in the Anaconda Vice for the win. Uh oh. Its clobberin time.
Run. Like. The. Fuckin. Wind.
Heyman heeds my advice but Phils no huvin it. Catches him eh. Heyman begs. Punk leathers him wae a Kendo Stick tae 3 in the morning. Punk cuffs him tae a rope. Pauls lit that "buy me dinner first" tae the rope. Punks aw "I did this" Pauls aw "I know"
There's a table set up in the corner. Ryback comes oot. Bites the heid aff a Pepperami and pits Punk through the table. For the love of fuckin christ dont make him a Paul Heyman guy.
This wis gid though. Real gid. Storytelling and a big swerve. I'll take 5 of these wae a large sprite. Haud the flies.
Dolph Ziggler vs Dean Ambrose (US Title Match ma man)
Great stuff. Match of the night. Stoatin. Dolph sells the shit oota some Ambrose chops, before delivering a few brammers of his ain. Dolph goes for a splash but Ambrose catches him and delivers a spine buster that wid break ye in hauf. Dolph turns intae stsatic when he lands and from that static we get a re-incarnation of The British Bulldog. We then exchange near falls for a coupla minutes, before Dolph hits a tap rope facebuster. Haud me back meht! This is too perfect. Dean goes fur a cheeky wee Full Nelson, but Dolph rolls oot n, hits a sexy splash in the corner, jabs Ambrose tae fuck, then belts his onion wae the fameasser. Whammy. Stunner of a match. Proper smashin. Ambrose wins clean as a whistle wae a magic facebuster. Dolph is spotted mouthing "thats game" on the road doon.
Rollins and Reigns vs The Prime Time Players (Tag Belts Match aka The Inaugural "If Domino Cliff Compton disnae follow ye on twitter, yer probably dead" Tag Title Match)
This wis awrite. Hilariously Micheal Cole referred tae The PTP as "young men" and Titus is 36. C'mon Mikey ma man, dae yer hamework. Some fast paced action ensues before Dasrren Young slips on some melted butter. Titus is in the ring handlin business, and efter fuckin up a fallaway slam, he hits a picture perfect Clash Of The Titus on Rollins. Reigns dives in but cause he's a wee meddlin cherub so he is. Rollins then guides Titus intae the path of a spear that wid lift ye clean oot yer boots. A sare yin. It gets the job done and The Shield aw retain clean. Life's gid. The PTP will prolly be the next champs but and that saddens me a bit. Cesaro n Swagger need they belts. The Usos need tae fight them fur said belts and then Harper n Rowan need tae be takin the belts aff them. Tag Team Turmoil.
Daniel Bryan vs Randy "nae eyes" Ortinnnnn (WWE Title Match for the WWE Title)
"Hows the potency on this yin Mean Gene?"
"Well Todd Pettingill, I can confirm that this is indeed that potent product"
Got that good shit fur ye here. 25 mins of Daniel Bryan wrestling? yes please. Thank you.
Knee tae the dial, and what of it? Some kicks tae the jaw, take wan fur yer maw.
Ortons involved tae remember? Chinlock number one. A sare situation. Chinlock intae a backbreaker next. Another chinlock. Chinlock loop. Days later. Everyone went hame apart fae Curt Hawkins.
"I taught him everything he knows" Curt tells naebdy. Chinlock purgatory ends, and instead we have Orton stampin on Bryans hauns for ages. Clothesline that DBry sells lit a fuckin hero, before Orton does that face spot where ye staun on the middle rope n jab the other cunt. An odd spot fur a heel, but it wis cooler than being cool. It wis ice cauld. Bryan dropkicks orton oot his boots. Many top rope 'ranas ye after here ma man? just wan? nae bother ataw. Bryan hits a top rope 'rana. Magic.
Coupla braw suicide dives fae Danny, one of which hit Orton so hard he briefly sweated oot dried blood. Yeughck. Danielsan goes for anerr suicide dive, but that's blocked. Know whit else is blocked? aw the gid torrent sites if yer ISP is Virgin.
Orton hits the Carmel Jacob DDT on the apron. Its a pale imitation.
Orton gies it the YES! chants and the crowd (who were great for most of the night btw) chant NAW! right back at him. Orton goes for another Carmel DDT in the ring, but Bryan blocks and all of a sudden yer hert rate spikes
YES LOCK
Orton winces so herd, ye can nearly see the whites of a eye. Oohyah. He slithers tae a rope and wraps his horrible tongue roon it. Superplex city. Bryan hits wan but keeps his feet on the tap rope and does that Hulk Hogan first pumping hing whilst hingin upside doon. Daft fur that spot int I. Alang wae rippin phonebooks and the music of McFly its my favourite shit.
Heidbutt fae 3 fuckin quarters of the way across the ring. Diving heidbutt anaw. Gie me 18 of these, and some choclate fuckin sprinkles. RKO missed, Bryan kicks ootae the backslide and then DBry hits the knee tae the dial before the wee rascal that is Scott Armstrong quick counts him.
He quick counted him? whiddye mean?
I MEAN DANIEL BRYAN IS YOUR NEWWWWWW WWE CHAMPION.
For a day at least.
Scott Armstrong is a considerably less sweaty, and less knicker sniffin prone version of Brad Maddox.
Daniel Bryan gets tae enjoy that "moment". We're aw waitin for it tae be brought to an abrupt end by some cunt. Probably Trips. The party poopers never appear. We fire Rappers Delight on and make room in our tortured herts for love.
Daniel Bryan is the reigning WWE Champion. Daniel Bryan is yer hero.
Overall I wisnae super daft on this shit, but it had enough tae keep my face fae being sad. Cesaro? aye. Usos? uh huh. Dolph? sold. Ambrose? magic. Punks a living breathing story, and Paul Heyman created him in a lab somewhere. Ryback isnae entirely irrelevant. RVD still has that special suhin. Did I mention Dolph? Oh and Daniel fuckin Bryan is your new WWE Champion. 7 oota 10. Mare big As than small Bs. Dyno.
Until RAW. You be gid.
HELFY
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