ICW Dave's Not Here Man Review (Plain English)

Let me paint you a picture. Its half 5 on Sunday morning, I've been home from seeing I Am The Tag Team Champions (a wrestling themed stand-up/improv show hosted by Billy Kirkwood and Chris Brooker) in Edinburgh for 4 hours, and I'm sitting on my computer chair, spinning it around in circles like a mental patient. Only had 2 beers so I wasn't buzzed. This was the most natural of highs.

It was finally here.

Like a child on Christmas morning, I couldn't contain my unbridled excitement when I awoke the next morning. I sprinted down the stairs, eagerly anticipating the presents ICW had in store for me. As is common with present opening on Christmas Day, the natural inclination is to open the biggest one first, but once its opened, there's a chance none of the other presents will be able to top it. It was a risk ICW were willing to take as they opened their mega show in Edinburgh with....

Grado vs Colt Cabana

Good lord in heaven, with the bible and the prayer and all that stuff. Of all the matches I envisaged being first, I couldn't picture it being this. I planned on taking notes throughout this event on my phone, just to make sure I didn't miss anything good, but since we're buds, I'll tell you no lies. I was too busy screaming my lungs out to take anything resembling a note on this beautiful shit.

BOOM BOOM! Colt Cabana...

Out he comes, looking every bit of the lean mean 18 stone he weighed in at. A wonderful pop for one of the most entertaining men in professional anything. Compared to the Grado pop though? It was nothing. Deathly quiet. Like a North Korean library. Grados pop made the pop Daniel Bryan got at Summserslam sound like a silent disco He blew the roof clean off the Edinburgh Picture House. 1,000 people in Unison. Diehards, new fans and perhaps the odd household pet. Chanting along to "Like A Prayer" by Madonna

The match was entertaining stuff. Most of the first 10 minutes was comedy and I'm not shocked at that given how entertaining both competitors are. It would be like bringing Brock Lesnar and Mark Henry together, and not expecting them to rip phonebooks in half then eat them. A lost cause.

When a wrasslin match eventually broke out, it was excellent stuff. Great pace to hit it. Grado gets all his usual work in. A perfect Rock Bottom after Colt blocked the first attempt, and a picture perfect roll n slice. Colt gets Grado up for the GTS, but couldn’t connect. Other  stuff also happened. Wrasslin stuff. This is the trouble with reviewing from memory, because you're pretty much reviewing the scattered bits of brain matter which haven't been fried by daytime TV and substance abuse, so sometimes things get hazy. I do recall Grado trying to knock Colt down with shoulder blocks for ages, before finally getting him on the 68th attempt, and also a hilarious spot where Grado made Colt drink Irn Bru, much to Mr Goldman’s obvious disgust, before Grado hits a Stone Cold Stunner for the win. Grado also tried and failed to ride Colt like a Bull. All in all, perhaps the most joyful 20-25 minutes of wrestling I had been exposed to in my life so far.

Grado  barely has time to enjoy the pop, before Chris Renfrew and BT Gunn arrive to spoil the party.  Renfrew is a man in a mood. BT is his hired Rottweiler ready to bite on command. They give Grado a few strikes to the head and body, before Colt comes rushing back in to save the day. Our heroes clear the ring, before being passed 8 cans of Irn Bru each, and proceeding to do the Stone Colt Steve Austin thing with the beer cans, except with cans of our nation’s favourite drink. Perfect end to the perfect match. If you aren't aware of Grado, simply type "Grado" into the search bar on YouTube and allow your life to be changed for the better.

Leah Owens vs Nikki Storm(Bra and Panties Match)

This was as good as you'll probably get in terms of some actual wrestling breaking out during a bra and panties match. Nikki Storm is a huge talent who has worked all over Europe and Japan, and Leah Owens is the same, having toured all over the place with her twin sister Kasey. Anyway, the match was decent.  Storm is a bit of a cheater throughout this match but, cause her top has a kinda Russian Nesting Dolls thing on the go, anytime Leah ripped it off, another smaller top was on underneath. Leah wasn’t up to any such tricks, so after a decent wee bout, Storm strips her down to her panties n bra, n that’s that. Leah reveals there to be an even smaller set of panties underneath the ones she was stripped to, which was when the horny wee arsehole bit came along, cause thongs are good. I enjoyed the thong. As Storm is celebrating her win, Leah waits for her turning around and leathers her with...eh...I can’t remember. Before jumping into the crowd and no doubt getting that arse felt by a bunch of sweaty so n son’s. Rascals. Fun match though.

James Scott vs Jimmy Havoc

Loved everything about this. The match gained new significance when it was announced that the winner would face Rhyno at Fear and Loathing, and last but not least, it was arguably the match of the night. I've said for a while Jimmy Havoc is hugely underrated as a worker. The boy can go. And that was on display here something fierce. Also apparently Scott worked this match with a broken foot, which makes his work borderline remarkable man. All sorts of suplexes and throws in there. Including a full nelson throw, and a firemans carry into some kinda sexy karate kick (I'm aware there will be a proper name for this move, but I don't know it so there you go) Havoc counters by hitting a belter of a hurricanrana, before hitting Scott with a back body drop into a pin. It was just a feast for the eyes in terms of all the innovative throws, and some brutal kicking from both men and the finish matched the innovation that the match had carried throughout, when Havoc locks in hells gate. Scott struggles, but eventually somehow manages to dead-lift Havoc (to be fair, Jimmy is probably 12 stone with gravel in his pockets, but still impressive for a man with a sore foot) and slam him down for the pin. But just as the ref counted to 3, Scott is still in the hells gate submission and taps out. This leads your man Dallas to emerge and tell us that cause of the ambiguity to the finish we'll have a triple threat match between James Scott, Jimmy Havoc and the bold Rhyno, and cause he's a cheeky wee rascal, after he and Havoc shake hands, Scott hits him with Rhynos signature move. GORE GORE GORE.

The Bucky Boys vs Team CK vs Fight Club vs The Coffeys (ICW Tag Titles Match)

Card Subject To Change

James R Kennedy arrives to announce Team CKs arrival, only for The NAK to emerge and attack viciously them. I don’t know if that’s an ICW rule, that if you knock the living shit outta any potential challengers, you automatically take their place in the match, but that’s how it went down. I wasn’t sure about this match beforehand, purely because these Fatal 4 Way Tag Matches tend to be exciting enough, but not really easy to get invested in, but I was happily proved wrong because this was a belter of a match. Firstly it was an elimination match, so that gave it a wee bit of extra excitement and secondly, aside from the first 3 or 4 minutes, it descended into pure and utter carnage. Organised carnage though. Fight Club are the first to go out, at the hands of The Coffeys .The match rolls on, and next to go out are The Coffey’s. At the hands of Renfrew and BT I'm sure. They don't take too kindly to this though, and they take both the NAK members out, before oddly urging the Bucky’s to pin them. Then they kinda slap the new member of the their stable (The Save Pro Wrestling movement)around and say it was his fault, cause apparently he didn’t comb Joes beard correctly before the match or something. They hit the new member/whipping boy with a smashing wee double team move, as Mark launches him up in the air for Joe to catch him with an uppercut on the way down.

That’s us down to two then, but not for long as that Renfrew and BTs stablemate Dickie Divers comes out. Cheating swine’s so they are, but as I said earlier, the match had descended into lawlessness long before. The numbers game proves too much for the Buckys and they drop the belts, thanks to a double foot stomp off the top by BT on Davie, with Renfrew getting the pin.

After the match Fight Club appear to be in the ring to help Davie Stevie up, both with huge whelps on their chests from getting chopped into next month during the match, but instead they only go and turn on the boys, and instead of the Fight Club split we were all expecting we got a Fight Club heel turn. Swervetastic.

Solar vs Andy Wild

This was shorter than it might have been, probably due to some issues during the interval, but it was predictably excellent. You'll struggle to find someone in the UK better than Solar in terms of high flying wrasslin, and Wild is hugely underrated.. I would've had this match on first, but I'm just a guy writing some words. What do I know? It’s a shame because the crowd was just a bit knackered at this point, and probably didn’t get as invested in it as they would have. Solar hits a springboard RKO looking move and seemingly gets the pin, but the match is re-started because Wilds a magician, and he threw his voice under the ropes to break the count. As soon as it re-starts Wild hits a peach of a Tiger Bomb, and makes Solar tap with the Boston Crab. Cracking wee match. It's a shame Noam Dar couldn't recover from injury in time, but Solar was a more than adequate replacement.

Kaylee Ray vs Carmel (Last Woman Standing Match for the ICW FF Title)

This was unreal. Just a fantastic wrestling match. Two talented ladies telling a great story. There were guys behind moaning throughout, cause sexism is still alive.

Anyway the match itself was just perfect imo. As they battle on the outside, Carmel sets Kaylee up legs first on the bar, and plants her with a DDT similar to the one Randy Orton does on the middle rope. They then make their way back into the ring, and she only goes n does it again! Hitting her with the actual DDT Orton uses, except better, because Orton’s face gives makes me sad.The match swings back n forth, and during the swinging Kaylee hits a belter of a German Suplex throw. I have this on a note in my phone under "sexy Germans" so I have to assume it was a suplex reference, and no something to do with some attractive tourists. Anyway, the match makes its way on the stage only for the bold Viper from ICWs sister promotion Fierce Females to come out of nowhere and attack Kaylee. It looks like she’s formed an alliance with Carmel, but she flattens her too. She departs and Kaylee launches a barrage of offense to lay Carmel out for the 10 count, including a firemans carry slam type thing and a Swanton from the announce table on to the floor to finally seal it. Absolute cracker of a match. Can’t remember the last time I seen a women’s match that was even close to being as good. Kaylee gets on the mic afterwards announces that it'll be her vs Viper vs AWESOME KONG for the belt at ICW:FF next month. Huge congratulations to both for delivering an outstanding contest.

Wolfgang vs Mikey Whiplash (Match for both the ICW Title, and Zero G Title)

Two of the most accomplished workers in ICW, and two of my favourites, so I was looking forward to this match the most on the card I’d say. Wolfgang is an absolute beast of a man, but hugely agile, and Whiplash is an incredibly gifted worker.

The pair of them clatter into each other with a double shoulder block, before Wolfy gets to dominating. The tide really turns in his favour, when Whiplashgoes for a suicide dive, only to be caught and planted windpipe first on the barrier (I didn’t really see this right, so it might not have been windpipe first, maybe even didn’t plant him on the barrier atall, maybe he took him around to Burger King for a whopper meal and a diet coke, I wouldn’t know either way chief) anyway Wolfy looks like he's closing in on the win after hitting a powerbomb followed by a belter of a clothesline. Proper knock you clean out your boots type of lariat, but Whiplash' is not done yet and managed to squeeze in a spot which he has made regular of late. 3 suicide dives one after the other.  Barely a second to breathe between each one, its an incredible spot, one of my favourites in wrasslin right now full stop, never mind just ICW. The level of accuracy required to hit the move 3 times so quickly must be unreal. Back in the ring the match goes back in Wolfys favour,  as he hits the Gutcheck, then goes up top and nails the Swanton, and that’s us. New champion. Surely. Not quite, as that Whippys former sidekick Jam O'Malley comes out and pulls the refs leg before he can count to three. Wolfy offers him an engagement in fisticuffs and off the distraction, Whiplash gets Wolfy up on to the top rope, and nails him with a belter of a Finlay Roll off the top to retain the big belt, and add a shiny new one to his collection. As much as I was pulling for Wolfy, I've no trouble with Whiplash continuing as champ. He's another who's never worked anything approaching a bad match in the year I've been attending these shows, and his mic skills are good. The crowd was  red hot for this too, and it was in a good way. pretty much split down the middle in terms of who they were pulling for, maybe very slightly in favour of Wolfy, and despite his apparent heel turn and re-alliance with Jam, Whiplash gets a rapturous round of applause on his road out. A match well worth the billing.

Next up is the debut of David the Beloved. A preacher character that has been hyped for his debut for a number of months. The promo is between him, promoter Mark Dallas and various friends of Dallas. He attempts to convert each of them unsucessfully, before fICW legend Lionheart comes out of the crowd and delivers a Rock Bottom.

Sabu vs Jack Jester

Sabu's still got it. If you had any doubts (I did, and I'm ashamed of them now) you shouldn't have. It wasn’t the most encouraging of starts to the match either, as there's a wee bit of aimless stuff involving the pink chair that was used in the Kaylee v Carmel match, and also three big 6 foot bruisers went right in-front of my eyeline as soon as it started, so I had to relocate to somewhere where I could actually see a thing. A table is brought out fairly quickly, and I think Sabu goes through it accidentally (unless I missed the cause of it, which is extremely likely) before they make their way into the crowd, with Jester planting an elbow on Sabu off the bar. Back in the ring, Sabu reels out all his classic spots with the steel chair, like he was recording an instructional video on various ways to knock the shit out a of a pirate with a pink chair (Jack Jesters gimmick is a Rockstar Pirate type of deal btw). He then sets up another table in the corner, but once again its Sabu that goes through it as Jester ducks out of the way of a typically death defying move. They the take shots each of embedding a corkscrew in each others skulls, because a Jester hardcore match just wouldn’t be worth watching without some sore s looking corkscrew action. Blood, sweat and tears ensue, before Jester seals a famous win by driving Sabu through a table with the tombstone. A truly iconic match that lived up to the hype. One that'll go down in ICW folklore.

Wonderful night.  Every single person involved should be immensely proud of their efforts. As a wrasslin show I give it a solid 9 Jacknifes outta 10, but as triumph for ICW as a company, it’s a perfect 10.