Let's no kid ourselves on eh, we all knew it was coming.
As beautiful as it wis tae see Daniel Bryan end a PPV holding that horrible reject fae the MR T collection above his heid in triumph, we all knew after the fast count that shit wis gonnae hit the fan on RAW and d'ye no whit? Bet ye were aw lookin forward tae it. I know I wis. Daniel Bryan is perhaps in my top 3 of all time, and even I wis kinda looking forward to seeing whit way they chose to strip him of the belt, and I actually didnae hate the way they done it. It could have been 10x worse. It could have been him comin oot n cuttin a promo about how his maw says he lost his smile. ;)
Our hero comes oot tae rapturous applause. A pop that wid make yer hert burst so it wid. He leads the crowd in a YES! chant, before that cinder-block in a Burtons suit comes oot tae wreck the day. Trips mate, stop comparing Scott Armstrongs count last night tae his normal one. Stop calling it a "cadence". We saw nothing. Not a fuckin shillin ae it. Yer wrang.
Scott Armstrong comes oot tae Flash Funks auld music and calls Bryan n Trips "alley cats" before going on to explain his actions as a "mistake". When Triple H turns up the heat oan this pressure cooker, Scotty snaps, turns tae DBry and goes "they got us Danny....RUNNNNN!" Bryan disnae have a fuckin clue whits gaun on, but Trips demands that he hands over the belt tae an investigation is completed and dae ye know why Triple H done that? ...
Cause Triple H is a heel. Triple H is THE heel.
Bryan resists, taking heed of the crowds "NO!" chants before Orton RKOs him and Trips takes the belt. Where the fuck did Orton come fae? is that how much of a mental coma I slip intae when I hear his music that I barely noticed he wis there? apparently so eh.
I suppose the central thesis of this opening segment is that Randy Orton still manages to be somewhat of an irrelevance in this storyline despite being such a prominent and arseholey part of it, but aw that wid change later in the evening. Also Daniel Bryan is no longer yer WWE Champoion, but its really ok. Naw seriously, sit yersell doon, huv a wee cup of tea and just allow yersell tae finally imagine him winning that belt clean as anythin at Survivor Series. That's when its finally happenin if ye ask me, and it ganna be byootifull. Byoootifull.
Hilariously bad wee backstage segment wae Orton, Trips n Steph basically aw shouting at each other. Orton asks "what just happened out there!" which makes me hink it mights been taped earlier cause eh...well ye RKO'd Daniel Bryan n HHH took the belt aff him. We aw seen it meht. Steph tells him until he becomes the old Randy Orton, who DDT'd her in his ain sittin room, he won't be gettin his belt back, and he calls her a mean lady who's just being mean.
Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler
Fan-fucking-tastic. This is it. This is the future. Daniel Bryan opening and closing the show. Ambrose, Dolph and co all putting on breath-taking matches in the mid card, waiting for their chance for a push. See when you consider we kinda got this match on Smackdown last week anaw, thats 3 times in 5 days. Too gid tae us so yees urr. Dolph goes mental early wae some sexy crossbody action, before once again selling his own clothesline over the ropes like a monster truck reversed over his face. Ambrose gets on top, and whips Dolph oot tae the floor, where Dolph apparently dies or suhin. We go tae an ad break, and when we return Dolph isnae deid. Thank fuck. He's so alive he manages tae leap 8 feet in the air before hitting Ambrose with a superb diving DDT. Then came one of my favourite spots in fuckin ages. I wis so in tae this it wid make yer brain melt. Efter Dolph hits a dropkick, he then proceeds tae hit not 1, not 2, not 9 but TEN fuckin eblow drops in a row. Ten of the fuckin things. He just keeps daein it ma man. Its mesmerizing. Ambrose somehow survives that barrage, and comes back wae a spinebuster, before going for that facebuster finisher thing he does, but Dolph blocks it and hits the fuckin Zig-Zag tae win this shit CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. Wisnae for the belt like, but its a strong move fur Dolph and the match wis sensational. Aye waiter, I'll take 4 of these, some of the Seth Rollins selling the shit oota everything, and a wee side order of YASSS!
Sorry that wis unprofessional. I get a bit excited.
R-Truth vs Fandango
Mibbe I'm blinded by this joyous mood, but this wis awrite anaw. As gid as an R-Truth match ever is really. Christ could ye imagine his work without spinning heel kicks and energetic jabs? he'd be fuckin worse than Jinder Mahal. (Only kiddin Jinder ma man, you are comfortably my favourite Indian wrassler in WWE right now...Don't Hinder Jinder) but aye, Fandango won wae that magic top rope leg drop, and the show kicked aff wae Dolph Ziggler and Fandango winning clean. Whit the fucks the score here then? I don't wantae question it too much incase its aw a lie, but if they make a habit of this, I'm intae it.
This may be the single greatest segment in RAW history. I mean, it wisnae like, but it felt like it at the time and that's when ye just know its winning. Dusty Rhodes always has and always will cut promos that ye cannae take yer eyes aff of, but this one wis somethin special in its ain right. This one wis TRUE. I know Cody bein fired is aw storyline, but ye can bet yer right baw Dusty Rhodes has some real pent up frustration at how poorly his familys genius has been utilised on WWE tv since....forever.
He orders Stephanie McMahon tae drag her narra' erse oot there and hear him oot. She does indeed come oot, and asks Dusty tae chose between Cody n Dustin. Only one of them can have a job wae WWE. Dusty tells yer tae away n raffle pish, and when she buts in he gets right in her face and goes "DONT INTERRUPT ME". Fuckin scintillating so it wis. He tells her she's gaun straight tae hell before continuing tae refuse the decision. She instead gives him a different decision tae make after The Shield appear and she summons Big Show doon tae the ring. Whit choice is that?
Either The Big Show knocks ye oot, or The Shield aw batter ye wae chairs.
Show refuses tae be a part of it, but when he realises that if he leaves, The Shield are gonnae mangle poor Dusty 100x worse than he wid, he realises there's only one choice tae be made. He had tae knock Dusty Rhodes clean oot.
Aw christ Show. Please don't dae it.
He balls up that big tear catcher he calls a fist, tells Dusty he's sorry and obliterates his poor Jaw. Dusty falls forward intae shows arms and aw man. I just. I mean we just.....I mean. Aw jesus.
Dusty lies stricken on the canvas. The auld soul wis either legitimately out cold, or he sold it just beautifully. He looked deid meht. I ken I joke about Dolph looking deid a lot, but Dusty jist looked so peaceful. In the place he wis at, Cody has the WWE Belt. Goldust has the WH Belt, and the Rhodes family has thier rightful place at the top of the tree.
In real life Codys on his honeymoon withoot a job tae come back to and Dusty is in the back of an ambulance wae the cunt that just knocked him spark oot. Cause dreams are always better.
Naomi, Cameron and Brie vs Aksana, Alicia, and Layla
They really need tae stop daein this same match every week. I ken its really just a platform for AJ tae say braw words on commentary, but the matches themselves serve nae purpose. Naebdy gets enough time tae look hauf decent wrasslin wise (a gid thing for a few of them tbh) and it almost always ends in a farce. This time Natty is on commentary anaw, and me oh my, she looked just wonderful in that wee red dress. See this is whit I turn intae when the wrasslin isnae uptae much in a Divas match, I just gibber on about how perfect Natalya Neidhardt is until I'm reduced tae a puddle of moistures wae varying textures. Brie Bella got the pin, and AJ had jist the maist wonderful staredown wae Natty at the end. Cannae wait for they two tae huv a singles match for the belt. Only lassie in the company deserving of it mare than AJ is Natty.
RVD vs Damien Sandow
I don't gie a fuck anymerr. I'm an RVD mark. At 42 he really has nae right tae still dae the things he does in the ring, especially considering aw he does wae his spare time is smoke weed and dae the first exercise on Davina Mccalls yoga DVD before fawin asleep. RVD is Paul Rudd in Forgettin Sarah Marshall. He'll take ye oot surfin awrite, but there's nae way he's gonnae remember any of it the next day.
As much as I merked oot for RVD, the match wis short and saddening in a lot of ways. Whit the fuck are they daein wae Damien Sandow ataw? RVD hits the rolling thunder, then the 5 star frog splash for the win and once again anerr pile of bricks is chucked on top of Sandows push.
Hahahahaha I must have been away for a slash, or fixin up some banana daiquiris fur Eh Boayz, cause I totally missed this live. Apparently Triple H fires Scott Armstrong. Scott gets so mad aboot it, he bench presses Hornswoggle until he becomes nuhin but a pile of tiny wee suit and beard.
The Miz vs Randy Orton
This wisnae a match as such, more Randy Orton just fuckin dismantling The Miz. Battered him senseless. It wis comfortably the best thing Randy Orton's been involved in since last week. I'll tell ye whit, when its all said n done, Orton wont be in anycunts top 10. Maybe even struggle tae break yer top 30, but he's playin his part well. Earlier ye just didnae feel he wis relevant, didnae feel he wis strong enough tae lead, and then this. A return tae the diabolical cunt of auld. Typa guy that wid see yer granny strugglin wae her shoppin bags and isnsteada helpin her, he'd hit her wae his Jeep and throw an auld stale cuppa coffee oot the windae at her on the way past. He tosses Miz err the announce table before hitting the Carmel DDT in a way which wis worthy of the name for once. Setting Mizs feet up on the barricade and sendin his skull crashin down tae the cauld flair. Sare yin.
He wisnae finished there though. Not by a long shot. As he drags Mizco Inferno intae the ring, before setting his heid up in a chair and then leaping knee first towards that chair, seemingly snapping The Miz intae toaty wee bits aw err yer landin. Mizs maw n da are watching on throughout, and The Mizs maw sold the utter fuck out of the whole thing. It wis just smashin.
This wis just the weirdest, maist wonderful thing you'll ever see. Paul Heyman emerges in a wheelchair wae his new enforcer. THE BIG GUY.
Fuckin Ryback. If anyone can make him remotely human, its Heyman but I'm apprehensive tae see where it aw leads. Ryback being a Paul Heyman guy could mean Ryback being a WWE Title guy and thats jist not on. It cannae happen, can it?
The promo is fuckin weird, in a smashin way. Ryback is on aboot how naebdy will ever touch Heyman while he's around, and Paul gets on the mic to confirm this. He then goes on tae say how he owes his life to Ryback and thats that innit? surely tjhats...aw naw Paul whit ye daein. Naw stop that. Whit?
Paul Heyman kissed Ryback on the cheek. While Ryback grinned like a wean who'd just been tellt he'd won a lifetime supply of fizzy cola laces.
The single maist amazingly creepy thing I've ever seen. I needed many moments of reflection and quiet heid shakery tae get err it.
The Usos vs Tonnes of Spunk vs The Real Americans
This wis an elimination match for the Number One Contenders spot for the Tag Belts. It wis fine so it wis. Tonnes of Funk actually looked no bad early on, wae Tensai haudin Cesaro up in a suplex for about 10 minutes but they are of course first tae be eliminated when Cesaro catches Tensai wae a shneaky rollup. We then get the proper match between The Usos and The Real Americans and it wis braw as usual. Apparentley Cesaro done the "100 spins" spot during a break (well 28 spins) and that kin fuck right off so it can. We get tae see all of that 6 diva irrelevance earlier but we cannae see Cesaro daein the spins. Nut. The Usos hit a double dive tae The Real Americans on the outside, which wis a fuckin joy tae behold. Jimmy or Jey sealed the win wae a splash on Swagger. I'm Cesaro daft right, but I wis fine wae this. Cesaro didnae get pinned most importantly, and also, Cesaro is a single so he is. This tag run could be beneficial, but theres only so many benefits ye can huv fae being pals wae Jack Swagger. Its like being pals wae the smartest cunt in school. The teachers seem tae like him, but nane of yer pals dae and they judge ye fur cuttin aboot wae him. (in this metaphor the teachers are WWE officials, and the pals are the fans) The Usos are a proper tag team and the division needs them wae the belts imo. Hopefully they feud wae cesaro and Swagger for a bit after they get them, but they need the belts so they dae.
Aw dear dear doacter. A Bray Wyatt segment noo? efter aw this other good shit? I cannae handle this. its too much.
Its essentially just Brays eyes, a camera and those beautiful, dark, brooding fuckin words. Its captivating. Windham Rotunda is the sum of whit happens if ye come fae proper wrasslin stock and ye work fuckin hard at yer perfecting yer craft. Windham Rotunda is a special wrasslin character. Windham Rotunda has become Bray Wyatt.
Daniel Bryan vs Roman Reigns
Reigns is the shitest out of The Shield. This is well known, but that disnae make him shite. No even a wee bit. In fact of the 3, he has improved the most since they debuted. Awrite, thats cause he wis the only one with a lot of room for improvement, but still. Boys done gid. Before Bryan comes oot, he has tae walk through a hall wae every face in the company wishin him look. Surreal. Orton and The Shield are at ringside and Orton appears tae have left his eyes in the locker room. That's awrite but, ye don't need eyes tae enjoy Daniel Bryan, the boay attacks aw the senses. Bryan dominates the early stages, but when hes goes for a Suicide Dive, Reigns catches it awkwardly and smashes him aff the apron. Rollins looks lit he's gettin ready tae interfere so Daniel Bryan hits him wae a Baseball Slide and Rollins quite literally goes flyin. Right err the announce table, intae the tap tier of the crowd right intae some wee guys Diet Fanta. The Shield n Orton huv hud enough and finally jump in, and Orton settin Bryans heid up in a chair. Aw god this widda just broke me. It wis funny when it wis The Miz, but naw Randy. Gonnae just no.
Then we were treated tae the rerr-est wee treat. A run in fae who? EH BOAYZ! That's who.
Each and every cunt that's even close tae being a face comes runnin oot fae the back tae gie Danny hauners. The cavalry. The knights in shining amrour. EH BOAYZIES.
The boayzies staun aboot gleefully as Daniel Bryan knocks Rollins intae space wae the high knee. Seriously, Rollins actually done a front flip. Cunt harnessed 1999 Billy Gunn sellin the clothesline fae hell. It wis fuckin wonderful, and so wis the ending as EH BOAYZ hoisted Daniel Bryan toward the sky. Cause d'ye know why?
Daniel Bryan is god.
Overall I gie this shit TEN OUTTA FUCKIN TEN. Aye you heard me. A perfect 10. Nae lulls whatosever. Every segment had something I liked. 3 really gid matches. 10 Dolph Ziggler elbow drops tae the heart of Dean Ambrose outta 10.
Top fuckin drawer.
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