The ballad of the unbreakable jaw. Starring Magnus. A professional wrestler who surprisingly isn't Swedish. Every other Magnus in the world is Swedish btw. Science has proven this.
Magnus is talking in the back to open the show. About EGO (thats the official name for this Bad Influence and Bobby Roode stable. Its terrible) interfering in his match last week. EGO decide to all put on foam fingers and beat Magnus up. "They're killing him!" I cried at the TV. "They're killing him softly!"
They didn't kill him it would seem, as right after the ad break Magnus is in the ring, looking fresh as a daisy. Actually cutting a promo about the beating he just received. No I'm serious. Honestly. Not 5 minutes after it happened (and it was a real beating btw, incase the sarcasm in the foam finger line wasn't picked up) He's out talking about it. Awful.
He then goes on to explain how wherever the hell Impact is this week is MAFIA COUNTRY. Before Ego rush the ring, only for Sting and Samoa Joe to join the party and a 6 man tag match for later was made. I can't hardly wait!
Manik vs Jeff Hardy (with a dash of Chris Sabin making me wish my ears were painted on)
The promo before this match was Chris Sabin talking to Manik backstage. The words which come from Chris Sabin are not those of a human, so all I hear is "smdddhm...giriddin...salmon"
Sabin is watching this match from ringside and it was an excellent encounter. Comfortably the best match I've seen Hardy involved in since I began watching TNA again. Dropkick followed by a flying elbow from Hardy. It only got around 7 minutes, but they were engaging and Hardy won with the Twist of Fate, then Swanton. A show of respect between the two afterwards,before Sabin enters the ring and attacks Manik. Hardy sees this and throws a stick of dynamite directly into Sabins pocket, blowing him to smithereens. No more Sabin promos. Pity (Hardy actually rushes in and makes the save, bu the dynamite thing would have been....eh...dy-no-mite)
ODB vs Mickie James (TNA Knockouts Title)
Mickie James went into this match having refused a contract extension, so we all knew she was dropping the belt. She had to. They couldn't have her showing up at a Ring Of Honor show and using the belt as a floatation device for crowd surfing. The match was excellent, and as you may have gathered from previous reviews I enjoy every facet of ODBs work, and Mickie James is one of the best in the business. Her leaving the company weakens the Knockouts hugely, and aside from Gail Kim there's no one left for ODB to feud with. Anyway, ODB wins with BAM out of the corner.
Eric Young and Jospeh Park come out to celebrate with her and then 15 minutes of just nonsense ensued. I realise all wrestling shows occasionally have spells were the booking goes a dark shade of crazy. In this case it was a bronze, and almost blinding shade as The Bro Mans emerged for some reason. Then its your classic 5 steps of nothingness. They were as follows..
1. Robbie E challenges Joseph Park. Joseph has a suit on. Eric Young squashes him instead.
2. Robbie E claims he wasn't ready for the much smaller Eric Young. He was braced for the big guy. JoPo (I'm trying it out....dont think it'll stick tbh..maybe JoPak? ) Park wrestles him anyway, another squash.
3. The bromans attack the celebrating Young and Park. Park bleeds, turns to Abyss and bites both of their ears off.
4. I died inside.
5. The end.
An Aces and Eights promo where Garrett Bischoff was a central figure. Instead of paying attention to this I drew a face on a small scar I have on my knee. I also subscribed to Aviation Enthusiasts monthly. I am not an Aviation Enthusiast. It ended with Mike Knox getting angry and Bully retreating. I don't know what else Bully expected after them all blindly following him last week and betraying Anderson. Perhaps the same again because they are a bunch of brainless mid-card nobodies? maybe. Who knows. This is such an awful stable now, it's almost on the verge of being a spirit breaker. I don't mean its on the verge of breaking my spirit btw, I mean I'm on the verge of breaking a bottle filled with some kind of spirit over my head when they next emerge for a inner stable promo. Make it stop.
Gunner vs Hernandez
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa.
Horrible. Sloppy. Slow. I wanna say disemboweling but that's not right is it? i felt disemboweled after it anyway.
Gunner won with an awful backbreaker.
Samoa Joe, Sting and Magnus vs Kazarian, Christopher Daniels and Bobby Roode.
This was good. Naturally so considering everyone involved could wrestle. I really can't believe I just watched a Gunner vs Hernandez match on a widely televised wrestling show. Austin Aries wasn't on this show. Neither was Sonjay Dutt. Neither was Terry Taylor. Hernandez v Gunner was though. I have no words to describe how empty that makes me feel. It almost feels like self sabotage. Like TNA want to go under. This match restored my faith somewhat and even then, it was nothing to write home about. Great to see Sting wrestling on the show again though. For 54, he still has a helluva spring in his step. Joe ducks under a Daniels clothesline before hitting Kaz with a suicide dive, before it comes down to Daniels and Sting. Sting hits the splash in the corner before locking in the Scorpion Deathlock. Then it got messy, as everyone bar Joe got involved, and Roode got the pin after hitting Magnus with a bat. I have no idea who was the legal man was, or if this perhaps ceased to be a match halfway through, and just turned into some guys having wildly confusing fun together. This was the second best thing about the show too, and the finish was harebrained nonsense.
Save me. Y2J. God. Anyone. Save me
The show would end with AJ Styles and Dixie Carter having a face to face promo.
Save me.
I've heard mixed reviews of AJs solo promo a few weeks ago, but I'll be honest and say I despised most of it. Half shoot, half work, half hearted. Dixie must have thought it was money though, and she ordered round two, with her real human face involved.
AJ whines about the Carters running TNA into the ground. Dixie says she's sorry...but its DOUBLE CROSS! she's sorry for allowing AJ to think he mattered. He's average. Blah blah. She screeched throughout and this was just too awful to write more about it.
Perhaps the worst Impact of the last 4 months. And there have been a lot of bad ones.
2.5 corkscrew moonsaults out of 10. 1 out of 10 without the ODB title win.
Save me.
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