Occasionally in life you'll start to see something in a completely different way from how you have before. You'll spontaneously gain a new and more insightful perception on something you thought you had figured out. There is one thingall to refer to themselves as a "human" knows without any shadow of a doubt and do you know what that thing is ladies n gents? You'll kick yourself if you haven't already guessed. That thing is....
Mike Knox is not a very good wrestler.
I know eh! You almost forget he ever was a wrestler considering that his last singles match was around mid 2009 on Superstars, but we were given a sharp and painful reminder that he still exists this week on Impact. I've witnessed Impact start on some low notes recently, but I don't think it gets worse than Bully Ray cutting a promo on all of his "brothers" before announcing that "Knux" will face Chris Sabin in the opener this week. Even the Sabin, Brooke and Bully promo from about a month ago couldn't top this horrendous announcement. Hulk Hogan coming out and playing battleships with himself in the middle of the ring would have been a better opener. Tito Ortiz cutting a backstage promo where he looks intently into a camera for 5 minutes and says "firemans carry" repeatedly would have been a better start to the show. Anything. Literally anything. I shall procrastinate no longer, for I have a Mike Knox singles match to review. Pray for me.
Knux vs Chris Sabin
Mike Knox has knees. Mike Knox uses his knees. When Mike Knox wrestles, he always looks like he's on the verge of falling down. This is not ideal for professional wrestling. Mike Knox gets Sabin on the middle rope and drives a knee into his back, but he sort of slides off Sabins back and Sabin flops to the bottom rope. Mike Knox is a wrestler who exclusively uses his knees, but he isn't even any good at that. Someone passes Knux a hammer, Sabin takes it from him and cracks his skull into a million tiny pieces. The pieces turn to shavings of cement, confirming what we all supected. Mike Knox was carved out of a large piece of rubble from a demolished building and fitted with a mechanical heart. Mike Knox also won by disqualification.
Chris Sabin was the TNA World Heavyweight Champion 2 weeks ago. You didn't imagine that. It really happened. I'm a huge Sabin fan. There are few better in terms of in-ring work in the company, but promo wise he's just horrific. That switch CM Punk has in his head when it comes to cutting promos, that instant and organic intensity that courses through his veins and seeps out his pores, its almost like Sabin has the opposite. His switch turns him into a dry mouthed, stuttering alien. This promo backstage, where he complains to Velvet Sky about his treatment, and various other barely coherent things was just plain difficult to watch. I wish I had a shot of the hammer he used on Knox so i could cave my skull in with it.
Its mind bending just how logical and interesting the booking for the knockouts is, yet everywhere else is such a mess. There must be someone responsible for the knockouts solely, and I bet he/she is the only person involved in creative who gets to sleep at night without some kind of self medication. This is fantastic stuff again, with Mickie coming out and cutting another excellent heel promo. Dropped a Miley Cyrus reference in there too for good measure, before ODB emerged. Ah ODB. A woman you'd gladly allow to break you in two. She will face Mickie James for the knockouts title soon, so the natural build up for this is for them to smack each other around a bit before ODB ripped Mickies top off (she had a smaller one on underneath, much to my dismay) before Mickie scurries to safety. Excellent build-up for their title match. I'd really love to shake the hand of whoever books the Knockouts and thank him for saving me from complete dejection whilst watching Impact these days. You are my hero.
Gauntlet Match Between Everyone In the BFG Series
Jay Bradley and Hernandez kicked this off as they are the bottom 2 in the table. So here's what I have to say about this match.....no.
No. Just no. The fact that it started with those two botchy impostors and actually continued to get more messy as people entered is remarkable. Hernandez gave us a reminder if it was required that he's nothing but a battering ram, as he almost shattered Bradleys collar bone with a horrendous looking shoulder block. This was truly turgid viewing and it was essentially a battle royal, as the rules were over the top elimination. I don't know if creative just pull stipulations out of a hat, or they're all written on a big board and someone throws a dart at it to pick the stip, but either way. No. Just no.
I really cant bring myself to tell you who was eliminated at what point, and what led to said eliminations. So we'll skip through 20-25 minutes of nothingness and go right to the end. It finishes with AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels and Bobby Roode. With Daniels and Roode having formed a alliance weeks earlier, the odds seemed stacked in their favour, but apparently we're pushing AJ Styles now. Roode is eliminated by Styles, before an entertaining exchange between AJ and Daniels leads to AJ clotheslining Daniels over the ropes to pick up the 20 BFG points. This BFG series has been so badly botched you're almost unsure if it actually happened or not. Everyone aside from the bottom 3 (Park, Henandunce and Bradley) has looked like they're the one being pushed to win it. Remember how hard Magnus was pushed early? That's been completely shelved by the looks of it and now AJ seems to be the guy after his "face" turn last week, or whatever it was. (I've saw mixed reviews for that promo he cut last week, but I have to be honest, i thought it was garbage, half shoot, half worked, half hearted)
Bully and Anderson talking backstage. Anderson is getting a little bit lippy and Bully puts him down by reminding him of who he is. He's the president and then I died inside. No one cares. If Bullys title defence against one of his "brothers" next week leads to this stable of mid card halfwits disbanding, I'm throwing a street party and you're ALL invited.
AJ talking about his victory backstage. He's proud. That's nice. He feels as though he'll win the BFG series. That's nice also. Having faith in your abilities is a good thing.
Ah so its this part of the show? unrelated promos strung together to confuse the casual audience? It almost escaped me there because I was busy dying inside during the Bully/Anderson promo. This time its Sting talking to Rampage. Thankfully Rampage seems content to sit looking confused while Sting chats to him about the family. He then goes on to use the word rampage a lot, in case we forgot who the guy was sitting next to him. I didn't hate this, but that's mainly because Sting didn't look completely uncomfortable and demoralised during it, which is a welcome change from every other MEM promo since this stable started up again. A happy Sting is a good thing. A happy Sting will at least mean the parts of the show he has direct involvement with are good.
James Storm and Gunner vs Garret Bischoff and Wes Brisco.
I enjoyed large parts of this, purely because large parts of it involved Garret Bischoff being struck. Hard. Ultimately though it descended into nonsense. Storm and Gunner have barely been seen since taking the tag belts, and having them lose to these burnouts is a clear indication that they aren't seen as the future of the tag division. Would be nice to see them actually build a tag division again, considering it was previously the envy of the wrestling world when it had the MCMG and Beer Money. Bischoff hit Storm with a chain and picked up the win. My soul wept.
AJ Styles is out to pick his opponent for the BFG series next week. He has the pick of the other 3 wrestlers in the top 4 and he decides to face Austin Aries, which is fantastic news considering the match they had a few weeks previously. Finally something that didn't make me want to cannonball off the edge of the earth into the great abyss. That means Magnus and Roode would face each other next week also, and that means Magnus gets on the mic which was just an assault on the ears. For anyone who might be unsure, that accent he speaks with is indeed the automated voice you hear urging you to "leave a message after the beep"
Sting vs Bully Ray
Oh for the love of Christ Hogan, go away. He emerges before the match to cut the exact same awful promo from last week, before announcing Tito Ortiz is banned from ringside, and the match is no DQ, meaning Tito Ortiz could have quite easily stayed at ringside without sanction. Anyway the match beigs and its decent stuff to begin with. Sting has a spring in his step. "Spritely" is how I'd describe his work. He batters Bully with a chair a bit, before Bully gets a hold of the chair and turns the tables. Bully then decides to tear the ring apart, and turn the apron into a new seat for his imaginary motorcycle, before his real intentions become clear. He exposes the wood underneath the canvas, with the intent to drop Sting head first on it more than likely. Sting is having none of it however and he gets Bully in the Scorpion Deathlock, only for the various selection of jobbers surrounding the ring to dive in and break the hold. Of course that means the Mafia have to run in and save the day, although why they weren't out there from the beginning is another question for the ages. A melee ensues for the 1569th week in a row! Mike Knox knees himself in the face and Garret Bischoff cuts an impromptu promo about how under utilised he feels Hunico and Camacho are. Once all that madness passes, Sting locks in the Scorpion Deathlock again, and Bully reaches out for some help from his brothers. Anderson has a hammer in his hand, but he deliberately holds it out of Bully reach, before throwing it in a cement mixer. Bully taps and Sting gets the win.
Then something amazing happened. Its like we brought 2009 back because Mike Knox worked a singles match AND Mr Anderson cut a promo which wasn't a cringey pile of shit. He gets on the mic and reveals himself to be Bullys opponent for the title next week, and how he was MISTEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ANDERSON. The next TNA Champion.
If there is a god, he won't forsake me for my sins, and instead he'll make next week the last time I have to see/hear/smell an Aces and Eights promo.
Overall, it was a truly awful show. Mike Knox, Jay Bradley and Hernandez have less combined wrestling talent than Austin Aries has in his right pinky, yet they all got a lot more wrestling time than Aries this week. Hogan was there. Sabins promo, which was the wrestling equivalent of having dry ice thrown in your eyes, and of course Bischoff and Brisco beating the tag champs. Redeeming features were the Knockouts promo and Stings performance in the main event. 4 side Russian leg sweeps out of 10. It would have been 2 at best without Stings involvement.
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