Know that cliche? yon "You never know just how good something is until its gone" and aw that patter? That's a real thing so it is. That's as real a snowball wae a stane in it hittin ye slap bang on the gub and knockin 10 teeth oot. That's as serious Jim Duggan knockin yer pan in wae a 2x4 thats mare widden than a Curtis Axel promo.
Edge is living proof.
I didnae really fully appreciate Edge in is heyday, and other than a feud wae Taker around 09-10 I never really got excited by his in ring work. Tae me he was just an annoying sleekit heel, who couldnae carry a match. I was stupid and wrong. I cannae even gie ye the excuse that I wis too young tae know better either. I've got nothing mate. I just missed the point.
Its only when ye see whit we're left wae in terms of top heels in the company that ye realise just how good Edge wis. Orton is the top guy right now, and he's never cut a promo even anywhere in the same postcode as the promo Edge wis about tae cut. Del Rio is a good wrassler, but just a naecunt of a character. He actually has tae be physically kicking folk in the heid for me to gie more than a passing fuck about him, and even then...unless ye decides tae push said people in front of traffic, my distaste for his actions is short lived.
So aye. Edge kicked aff the show. Yass.
He comes out and explains that he was supposed to have Orton on The Cutting Edge, but he patched that cause Orton's boring. That's no me embellishing for a wee giggle either, he really did call him boring. In fact he said he has "nothing interesting to say" which is about as accurate as any human being has ever been aboot anything. Instead he tells us he's gone rogue, and he'll be huvin Daniel Bryan on instead. Smashin stuff.
Daniel comes oot and cuts mare promo magic. Every week now. Yer man strides oot, gets me aff my seat wae his entrance, and then keeps me aff it wae his words and wrasslin genius. Edge makes this promo special though. He tells Bryan no tae bother his fuzzy wee face about whit Trips thinks. Trips didnae think Jericho wid make it either, or John Cena and he wisnae too keen on a skinny cunt fae Canada cawed Adam Copeland either. I suppose the moral of that wee story is that Triple H is...well I hate tae be crude. I really dae.
But Triple H is a prick.
Orton emerges and zzzzzzzzzzz, then oot comes Trips. Its bad news when yer really hoping Orton shuts the fuck up ASAP so we can hear fae Triple H, but that's where we're at now. Trips announces Bryan v Ambrose for the main event later which made a lightning bolt shoot oot the end of my penis. Edge says he should look past his big nose and Trips has a wee tantrum, before urging The Shield tae slip 5 valium in Christians mineral water, an drag his limp corpse oot for Edge tae see. Edge is aw "truce!" but in the backstage segment which followed, Trips is huvin none of that and has him escorted fae the premises. See ye in another year or so Edge ma man, wis lovely huvin ye back. Yer theme's a belter anaw.
Curtis Axel v Kofi Kingston
Had a wee suspicion this wid be for the belt, and Kofi would take it so it could be defended at Night Of Champions, but it wisnae, so unless he drops it on Smackdown, Night of Champions will have less title matches than Payback. Is it just me or is this PPV by far the least hyped of the year? I couldnae even tell ye whit hauf the matches are. Anyway, the match wis fine, right up until Axel decides tae stomp Kofi oot in the corner for a gid solid 10 minutes for the DQ. I dunno whit purpose this served really. If he does this tae Punk at NOC, he'll have lost and that means Heyman still has tae face him. So aye. Yer no the sharpest knife in the drawer urr ye Curtis ma man. Tellin ye, if that boay is hauf Mr Perfect, his maw must be a static caravan wae a miniskirt oan.
The first of many Goldust VTs. Goldust VTs + Ambrose v Bryan = a gid RAW. A fruitful RAW. A braw RAW.
Heyman on the ground backstage. Claims he slipped on some water and that he cannae feel his left erse cheek. Axel later reveals in a promo cut entirely in morse code, that Heyman actually slipped on the pish runnin doon his leg. Punks gonnae get ye!
I dunno when Booker T took on the role of backstage counsel, but I fuckin love it. Just him cuttin aboot in a wee business suit, tellin cunts tae think of their faimlies. This time its Big Show. Bookers lit that "listen big fella...you gotta think of ya family patna" and Shows like "Ok compadre" and then they both say "Thunderbirds are go!" in unison.
Bray Wyatt vs Dolph Ziggler
This made me aw sad, and also aw happy at the wan time. I don't like how far this Dolph burial seems tae be gaun, but the fact that his selling ability wis at least put tae gid use this week wis heartening. This is only Brays third singles match since the Wyatts debuted which is fuckin insane if ye ask me. Dolph puts up a spirited fight, but Bray gets the win wae Sister Abigail after some mild interference fae big Harper and Rowan. Dolph sells Sister Abigail so perfectly the whole tap layer of the canvas levitates and goes spinnin intae the crowd like a frisbee. Its a shame tae see ye go Dolph ma man, but I love tae watch ye leave.
I have a new theory about the Bray Wyatt/Bo Dallas comin fae the same parents conundrum, wid ye like tae hear it? Who am I askin..of course ye wid!
Brays wee mammy caught the whiff of shite in the air on his first day of birth, and knew it wis time for the first nappy change. She unfolds the rotten shite satchel, only tae reveal a tiny wee Bo Dallas, staring at her wae that glaikit as fuck look on his dial. Bray had quite literally shat out aw the shiteness. Aw the terrible personality traits and awful belly to belly armdrags excreted in a tightly wound, Bo Dallas shaped package.
Another Goldust VT. This time it focuses on his run wae Booker T. Its hilarious. Cannae fuckin wait tae see Goldust again.
Paul Heyman comes oot wae a fat Damien Sandow lookin doctor, and Curtis Plankzel. It isnae Heymans best work tbh, as he yammers on a wee bit about his injury preventing him fae competing. Oot comes Brad Maddox, who first reveals that he's produced a pool of sweat of such density, that it actually caused the Blue LeCoq Sportif jacket he wis wearin tae evaporate and vanish doon a manhole. He then tells us his ain doctor will decide if Heyman is able tae compete, and that doctor ascertains that Heymans awrite. He's at it. CM Punk celebrates by strutting down the aisle in his gear (teasing bastard, he disnae wrassle btw) and knocking the living shite oot the poor wee chubby Sandow doctor, as Heyman and Boretis Axel ran fur the hills. He actually kids on he's haudin the ropes for the doctor, before smashin fuck oot him anyway. Sleekit in the best way. Smashin stuff.
Aksana, Alicia Foxx and Layla vs Naomi, Brie Bell and Princess Nattie
Ahh Nattie. The rest of this match isnae worth talking about, but Nattie won it wae the most beautiful sharpshooter I've ever seen. I wantae dim the lights, turn oan some Luther Vandross and make tender love tae that Sharpshooter. Then I wantae make it a ham n cheese pannini and ask it whit its hopes and dreams are. Also AJ is on commentary and rips intae Jerry Lawler. Fuckin fantastic. I think Lawler shut up for a solid 10 minutes after AJ tearing him a new erse. She basically calls him a dirty big peado, after saying she's "26...so a bit too old for you Jerry" You get uhm tellt hen. As much as I'm glad Lawler didnae die efter that heart attack, he's still a wee arsepiece and commentary wise he's fuckin beyond dire these days.
Alberto Del Rio vs R-Truth
It wis actually sare how little I gied a fuck about this. Seriously, I got shootin pains up my arms, and the only way tae ease the pain wis tae run up n doon my hall and kid on I wis high fiving folk during my entrance (Toca's Miracle or When You Look At Me by Christina Milian wid be my music btw, jist FYI) It wisnae a bad match either, I just couldnae give the beginnings of a fuck. Del Rio won wae the Cross Armbar. The collective apathy everyone in the world felt fur this shite formed a cluster and shot intae the night sky like a rocket, or a forcefully thrown lawndart.
Antonio Cesaro vs Santino Marella
Sufferin fuck. This started wae a fuckin braw Zeb Colter promo anaw, ripping the pish oota Canada hilariously (here I dont think I mentioned this earlier, which is wildly negligent meht..but aye, this shows in Canada this week. Hence the Edge appearance) and then after the initial wee burst of joy at seeing Santino, and an entertaining start tae the match, we had Cesaro daein the 100 spins thing. (if ye've no seen him dae the 100 spins, its on youtube and its fuckin mesmerizing) Disnae dae the full 100, but he gets tae at least 50. The match continues to be decent, despite the fact that Santino is a limited worker, cause it involves Cesaro eh. Anything that involves professional wrasslin, and Antonio Cesaro will be gid. Know whit wisnae good? Santino gaun for the cobra, only for Cesaro to take it aff him AND hit the uppercut. and Santino kicked out at 2. It wisnae the uppercut where he tosses him 40 feet in the air like, but it shoulda been enough tae pin Santino Mafuckinrella. Santino then inexplicably pinned Cesaro, and I stubbed a cigar oot on my right nipple jist tae make sure I could still feel feelings.
Damien Sandow vs The Miz
Oddly this was the total opposite of the match it followed. I wisnae intae this as a match ataw, cause The Miz can fart up a dugs dick, but the finish wis superb. We get 4-5 minutes of aimless shite, before my man Fandagooooooooos music plays, distracts The Miz and Sandow rolls him up for the pin. A fuckin Sandow win and a Fandango appearance that didnae end in him gettin his baws toed. Running triumphant air punches all round fur this shit. Magic.
A wee pre match promo between Goldust and Triple H. Aw I'm so fuckin amped for this match meht. Ken I dae the stauner joke a lot, but ye could seriously pump this fuckin thing fulla diesel and drive it tae Belgium, such wis the girth and seating capacity of it.
Goldust vs Randy Orton
This match is it. This match is where it all made sense. This match, where a 44 year old Goldust who has been workin indies for the best part of 2 years, outperformed the current WWE Champion and "face of the company" is where it aw came together. The Rhodes family have been shafted for decades by the McMahons and d'ye know why ma man? cause every single one of them has mare talent individually that the whole of the Orton and Mcmahon families combined (minus Shane of course) Cody, Dusty and my man Goldust. Each one of them has mare charisma and in-ring ability than anycunt affiliated with the McMahons currently. Look at the fuckin shape Goldust is in anaw. Wonderful tae see him lookin healthy and even better tae see him work such a braw match. Its the second week in a row a member of the Rhodes family has kept their work fresh and exciting, while Orton counters wae fuckin chinlocks. Here Randy meht, fuck yer chinlocks. I just aboot shat my breeks wae excitement when Goldust hits the fuckin CROSS RHODES and goes for the pin.
1
2
....shoulder up. BASTARD.
Fuck me gently, fur a second I really thought that wis gonnae happen there.
It didnae though. Orton hits the RKO outta nae place and that wis that. Assuming Goldust gets tossed on the scrapheap again, he simply MUST get booked for ICW wan day. That wid be so nectar meht. So clutch. So braw.
Stephanie McMahon kinda gloating backstage tae Goldust. Imagine Stephanie McMahon wis born wae that personality and skill set, and wisnae born intae a rich family. How hard wid she be a hooker gien toothy gammys fur a fiver a time?
Still Ambrose vs Bryan tae come? christ almighty.
Rob Van Dam vs Ryback
Hahahahahahahahaha. Naw
Short. Pointless. Confusing. It also started wae an ADR promo, and that can fuck off. The whole thing could just bite me baws really. Shoulda gied this 7-8 minutes tae Bryan n Ambrose. RVD wins by DQ cause Ryback rammed him intae the wee chippy next tae Central Station a hunner times, and killed him. RVD is dead.
Daniel Bryan vs Dean Ambrose
This is the match I've been waitin for my whole life meht. Swear down, I came in fae the pub oot my chebs a coupla months ago. Totally blazin saddles. Bouncin aff the walls lit a bairn thats just gubbed a 6 deck of Red Bull n a Bounty; and aw I could think aboot wis how braw Daniel Bryan vs Dean Ambrose in an Iron Man match wid be. Something about their clash in styles n personalties that just works. The whole opening of the match is aw mind games, as Ambrose slides oot and seeks the counsel of his Shield buddies. In Bryans corner, Big Show is leadin the YES! chants. Gid that yer daein suhin Show, after weeks of greeting and rampant shitebaggery. The match rolls on and fuckin wow meht, when it hit its stride it wis special. Bryan sets Ambrose up in the corner and kicked the living shite oot him, and I think I saw a wee 'rana in there somewhere, but dont quote me on that chief. Ambrose is quite minimalistic in his work, but believe me he has his fair share of this match. The maist eye catching spot is a fuckin unreal back body drop aff the top rope fae Bryan, before he locks Ambrose in the Yes lock, only for Mox tae reach the ropes. Bryan brings the match tae close wae a sexy wee rollup, before the usual routine appeared tae be unfolding. Acht.
Orton comes oot but Bryan hits him wae a suicide dive, before the Shield get tae knockin his furry wee face in for the 322th week running. Orton gets him in the ring and hits the RKO as Show is heading up the ramp, before Triple H emerges and orders Show tae knock Bryan out. Know why?
Cause Triple H is a bad cunt.
Show gets back intae the ring, and after a wee battle of wills wae Orton (comfortably the best thing Orton has ever been involved in btw, although a lot of me feeling that way might be because I wis convinced Show wis gonnae knock him oot) Show resists Randys beggin fur his hole, before Randy turns roon straight intae the high knee tae the jaw aff Bryan!!!!!!!!! Bryan knocked his bronze coupon intae next fuckin month and ye couldnae be made of human parts if ye didnae love that ending. Wonderful. YES! chants aw round. Our hero prevails.
It had its low points. Namely Cesaro jobbing tae fuckin Shantino, and Dolph gettin buried further. Also fuck the whole RVD/ADR/Ryback hing, but after Edge cutting promo magic, Goldust making our Shattered Dreams come true (ewwwww cheesy as fuck, I thought we'd made it through this weeks review without a dose of cheese but it wid appear not eh) and that fuckin wonderful Bryan vs Ambrose masterpiece, and ending I gie this shit a perhaps slightly generous 8.45 seated sentons oota 10.
Remember. Disnae matter whit any cunt says. Yer a sound cunt, wae a lot tae offer. So get oot there, whap yer bits oot n swing them aboot.
Also. I still miss John Cena.
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