ICW There's Something About Maryhill Review

I was gonnae start this off wae some shite joke, about no being this excited for an event in Maryhill since John Leslie cut the ribbon tae open the new Aldi, or some shite tae that effect, but I'll no waste yer time was such shenanigans. Yer a busy bee. I get it. Usually yer readin these reviews at yer desk on a Monday being a skiving wee rascal, but its Sunday the day. The sabbath. Yer hungover. The wean needs a walk. The dug needs fed n clothed. Priorities mate.

Having said that, ICW - There's Something About Maryhill is the most I've looked forward to an event in Maryhill since Tucker fae Grange Hill done an autograph signing at the Gala.

See? pile of shite that eh? Want me tae fire in and review the wrasslin noo? stop aw this inane patter about jokes, and if/when I might make them (frequently incase yer wondering, wae wildly varying success levels)

The night begins wae our gracious hosts Sean David and Billy Kirkwood coming oot, the introducing our MC for the evening...MC Bawheid McRosycheeks. Scarlet dial can barely get a sentence oot before Dallas arrives wae the Bold Chris Conscience, (each wielding a bottle of Jack in proportion tae their size) Dallas clamps Tommy right away, and gets his erse punted up the road. Well no quite, but at least get in the back where naecunt gets sunburn fae that radiant warmth comin aff yer coupon.


Mikey Whiplash vs Mark Coffey (Zero-G Title Match)

Surprised this was on first. I assumed at the time it wis so Whippy could get up the road fur Casualty startin, but he appeared at the end of the show tae so that wisnae the case. A superb technical wrasslin match here. The opening exchanges has aw yer snapmares, and side headlock takedowns n aw that good stuff. Whippy then locks in a stiff anklelock, but Coffey reaches the ropes. Round about the haufway stage in this one, the middle rope in the ring just gied up the ghost. Wisnae fur another shift of having huge men flung against it, so the boays huv tae improvise a wee bit on the outside as the ring gets fixed. They exchange huge shots tae the jaw, before the steel barrier comes intae play and there wis some stuff roon the other side of the ring fae where I was sitting, so ye can fill in the blanks there yersell. I could tell ye Coffey hit Whippy wae a tiger bomb that shook the buildings foundations, but I'd be tellin ye bare faced lies meht. Anyway, the ring gets fixed tae a reasonable standard and its back in we go for some more cracking wrasslin. They hit each other wae a double clothesline before Mark Coffey hits a belter if a Pumphandle Slam, which tae everyones surprise got the job done. New Zero-G champ. Its a move that makes a lot of sense for the future, as it frees the belt up to be defended at Fear and Loathing and the win for Coffey strengthens the Save Pro Wrestling movement, but it wis refreshing to see Whiplash drop the belt clean as a whistle. As the current face of the company, he could easily have been reluctant tae dae that, so fair play. I wis saying this to my pal when we were waitin ootside the venue tae get picked up and Whippy heard me say his name, so jist tae re-assure ye big yin. I wis being nice. Please don't smash me at the next yin eh? ta.

Team Smiddy - Grado, Solar and DCT 
vs
Team Tommy Tomato Heid - Mike Musso, Lewis Girvan and Euan G Mackie

A few things I learned fae this early on. First hing. Mike Musso is fuckin huge. Properly massive. Like Shaq if he wis white, or Gary Caldwell if ye flattened his heid oot and gied him an extra 4 or 5 inches. The second thing is that Euan G Mackie is genuinely one of the creepiest human beings I've ever been within 5 feet of. That's no meant in a bad way like, but it's undeniable. I don't think such a creature could really belong anywhere but the weird and wonderful world of Scottish professional wrestling, unless there's a decent traveling circus on the go. Lastly Grado could get a windae shattering pop oot of any building this side of the Clyde. And oan the other side of the Clyde and prolly as far away as Gourock. This venue was truly unique. A wee bit like the crucible, cept the only cunt wearin a waistcoat wis wielding a corkscrew and a bad eye. For Grado tae get everyone on their feet in a venue like that wis braw stuff. The entrance never gets auld. Even whilst sporting that "ma burds daein beauty at college"hairdo, it wis still braw. The match wis fairly decent anaw. Grado opened the match wae Musso I'm sure, before Girvan and Solar got in there and produced some of the best work of the night. Armdrag fae Solar, followed by another yin, and then a crackin dropkick. Some comedy spots followed, as the whole squad got involved but then it descended intae chaos a wee bit as Lewis Girvan decides tae abandon ship. Soon after Euan G Mackie does the same, before hilariously strippin doon tae skants and being duct taped tae the wae thing you'd use tae carry beer barrels, or corpses. So that leaves Musso against the 3 members of Team Smiddy. DCT gets in there against big Musso, and actually nails him wae a Lou Thesz press (I know somedy hit a Lou Thesz press cause I remember tappin my mate and gaun "here mate...that wis a Lou Thesz press!" such wis my excitement at said press, and I think it was DCT) before Musso takes over and pins him. For the second show running my erse collapsed at a suprise pin, only tae be hit wae the knowledge that the match is actually an elimination match, and we get the outcome we aw expect when Solar and Grado get the win. I'm sure Grado hit the F5 tae seal it, but don't quote me on that, or if ye dae make sure people know the source of said quote has been known tae be unreliable. Afterwards an impromptu Rap Battle kicks aff, as the two MCs square uptae each other, before the Smidster knocks MC Square Suit the fuck oot.
Also there wis a smashin wee brawl between yer Adam Shame and Rob McKai, and Shamer answers MC Tommys pleas for hauners when most of his team bolted, only for McKai tae emerge, and I swear on my maws life, he flung a bin fae one corner of the room aw the way to the opposite one and it landed dead on its erse. Couldnae have been more perfect if he tried, but that's no important. The main thing tae remember is that they knocked the living fuck oota each other.

I cannae actually remember when this happened so I'll fire it here eh. Sara comes oot and cuts a really quiet promo about David The Beloved. I dunno if it wis a mic issue, or shes just shy, but I couldnae hear it. Sorry n that. 

The NAK vs Team CK (ICW Tag Titles Match)

Never been mare pleased tae be wrong about somethin in my puff. I assumed this would be a squasher, designed tae strengthen the NAK but it wis nothing of the sort. An absolute fuckin beezer of a tag match, during which Team CK earned the respect of everyone in that building. I like tae try n make these reviews a bit of a laugh n that, but I'll tell ye wae 100% sincerity that I wis blown away by how good this was. Firstly, Team CK seem tae be up against all 3 members of The Nak, which is an unfair advantage I'd say. I'm no aw that clever when it comes tae numbers, but there's definitely some kinda tomfoolery afoot there. The NAK appear tae huv defaced the belts anaw, as they toss them aboot daft, and I'm fairly sure Divers flung a haunfi a shite at one of them fae a distance. When the match gets under way, we're exposed tae some of the maist brutal chops yer ever likely tae see. Ye could see the layers of skin disappearing aff poor wee Kenneths body, as BT Gunn chopped him intae a pile of sawdust. The boay is game as fuck though, and he keeps gaun. The action makes its way tae the outside, where Christopher nails aw three NAK members with a dive over the top rope, before Kenneth goes up top anaw and hits them wae a crossbody. Back in the ring, Renfrew hits Christopher wae a top rope stunner type thing, on top of the bin, but he isnae done yet and he rallies something fierce. Hitting that vicious looking braw high knee that Daniel Bryan is using these days. It wis a fuckin helluva an effort fae Team CK. Really wis, but it wisnae their day. Renfrew sets Kenny up for BT to hit him wae the double foot stomp aff the top rope for the win. He then sets Christopher up for BT tae hit him wae the same move, before draggin James R Kennedy in and setting him up for Divers tae give him the same treatment. A pleasantly surprising match here, genuinely a top quality tag match and one that might just make Team CKs ICW careers. The NAK depart wae their mangled belts. looking forward tae their defence at Fear and Loathing, whoever it might be against.

Saqib Ali vs Tommy Marks (and Davie Boy vs Fight Club)

This was supposed to be those two teaming up against Fight Club but Fight Club no showed the event, citing issues wae Dallas asking Kid Fite tae keep his baws in his trunks. Baws urnae built for confinement. Its no fair on them. Asking Kid Fite tae refrain fae whappin the baws oot, is like askin an Eagle no tae use its wings. He's a peacock Dallas, ye've got tae let him fly. Seriously though, Ali and Marks maximised the short time they got with some impressive work. Another couple of talented prospects for sure, but their match was brought tae an abrupt end by none other than Fight Club. Admittedly the surprise of their appearance wis ruined a wee bit for me personally when my pal came back fae the toilet and gleefully informed me "Ah jist seen Liam Thomson oot there" but never mind aw that. Kayfabe ma man. It never happened. Fight Club circle the ring, before proceeding tae stomp out the youngsters, only for a Bucky Boys chant tae start up. then The Bucky Boys music starts up. and then the fuckin Bucky Boys start up. Well technically one one of them did, as Stevie appears tae have gubbed his knee or somethin. So the bold Davie takes the the ring and challenges both members of Fight Club tae a wee scrap. Game as fuck Davie sir. The Wee Man musta drapped an eccie in his pre match can of Red Bull cause he wis fuckin ready fur a square go. It never really materialised as a proper match though. Just a proper gid scrap between the three of them which was brought tae an abrupt end by the hauf-time whistle. Thank christ, I wis gantin fur a hot dog and a wee mug of bovril.

James Scott vs Rob Cage

This was an open challenge to any former ICW wrestler, and it was former ICW regular Rob Cage who answered the call. He's a fairly charismatic cunt, in a camp sort of way. Its no a gimmick I could see working in a more hostile environment, so I get him being sorta phased out booking wise. Wis a great match right enough. James Scott is another one who I've yet tae see work a bad one in my time attending Scottish Wrestling shows so it wis tae be expected. Had a bit of a slow start, but once we got intae it, it wis an engaging contest. This wis towards the end, but I need tae get it oot there so it isnae infecting my brain anymerr. James gets his haun caught in a bit of a delicate area of Cage, and he inexplicably sniffs his finger, before calmly delivering one of the mare disgusting one-liners the Maryhill Community Central Halls would ever have been exposed to..."smells like his maw" . Boke mate.
Once the match hit its stride, it was braw entertainment, Yer usual dose of suplex action fae Jimmy Scott, including a stauner inducing German. A wee hint of a spinebuster in there anaw, and a tilt-o-whirl DDT. Scott then goes for the GTS (disclaimer, i cannae mind this ataw but I've took a note of it, so my sincerest apologies if this is a figment of my imagination) only for Cage tae block it and hit him with an RKO type of move. Scott kicks out at two, before haufin poor Cage in two wae a belter of a Spear, sealing his rightful spot as the WINNAR! after he picks up the 1,2,3. Cannae fuckin wait tae see him huv a Gore-off wae the bold Rhyno at Fear and loathing. I don't anticipate Jimmy Havoc coming out of it alive.

This was perhaps my favourite moment of the night. Carmel comes out with mic in hand, and the murmurs of discontent are palpable. There's a bit of an arsey attitude fae some about the Womens Division in ICW, which is fuckin baffling considering the amount of talent we have over here. Carmel gets on the mic and cuts an absolute stoater of a promo. Calling everyone out fae Viper, to The Owens Twins, and slagging fuck oota Nikki Storm for her involvement in the Bra and Panties match at Dave's Not Here Man. She then gets tore intae the real target of the promo, her biggest rival and FF Champion Kaylee Ray. Kaylee seems content tae let her have a go, and the battle seems tae be only a verbal one this time but this is ICW. When does it ever end amicably? Kaylee rushes intae the ring and the brawl gets under way. Carmel hits her wae that Orton DDT, only this time Kaylee is supsended on the top rope and thats it sealed. No longer will i refer tae it as the "Orton DDT" when I review shit. Its the Carmel DDT. When Randy Orton uses it in WWE I shall be referring tae it as the "Carmel DDT" anaw. Burds dae it better meht. Kaylee eventually gets the upper hand, and shouts at hersell tae "get the tables!" A table is indeed produced, and Kaylee launches poor Carmel through it. Breaking her intae 4 compact bits, ye could easily fit in yer hand lugged. Wee shame, the poor lassie never seems to come out on top, but the promo work from both here wis top notch. Carmel in particular. 

Wolfgang vs Red Lightning

Ach d'ye know whit? Its fuckin great tae have Red back. Really is. A hugely talented guy on the mic and in the ring, and I know its an odd thing tae say, but the cunt is lookin trim anaw. Mind the pelters he got when he was carrying extra beef n wore than white singlet? There'll be nane of that patter these days. The match stole the show for me. Two gid pals who know each others game inside out. Red would be re-hired by ICW if he could get the win and ye could tell folk were pulling for him. Reds never been flashy wae his offense, but we see some excellent stuff from both here. Samoan Drop early on fae Wolfy finds the mark, before Red hits a DDT. The boays then take the fight tae the outside, and by that I don't mean outside the ring, I mean outside, wae the cauldness and the pedestrians. I didnae go outside, but I'm assured someone was battered aff some shutters, and John Lambie stepped oot a local pub, looked at the shenanigans unfolding infront of him, calmly stubbed oot his cigar and called them a "Coupla Marys" ...."in ma day we'd huv hud a shot each of takin a 9 iron tae the other cunts heid" Gerry Britton then jumps oot the Tesco across the road and urges the crowd tae practice good road safety, cause if there's one thing Gerry Britton has an unquenchable passion for, its keepin ye safe on the road. Well, that and lookin like he's caught in a state of perennial confusion. They finally make their way back intae the arena, where Wolfy tosses a bin at Red fae 10 feet away and lands it smack bang on his dome, before Red hits Wolfy wae a table. We finally get back intae the ring, and Wolfy locks in the Texas Cloverleaf, only for Red tae fight out of it. He then goes for the gutcheck but Red blocked it. Red then gets Wolfy up for Michinoku driver and fuckin nailed it. I'm up on my feet at this point countin the three along wae the bold Eddie Sideburns, but Wolfy gets the shoulder up at 2. Then seemingly outta newhere Wolfy hits Red wae the spear and picks up the win. A fuckin cracking story told by these two, in a match that now easily slots in tae my top 5 ICW matches. Superb it wis. Wolfgang offers his hand to Red at the end, but Red refuses and on his way to the back he passes the NAK. Seemingly content tae allow them to go about their business without trouble. Their business at this time is knocking Wolfgang clean oot, and they set about doing that, but Red has a wee attack of conscious and decides tae help his old Gold Label mate oot. The NAK clear them oot, only for a mysterious man in a black zipper to emerge from the crowd. Who might this be? What business does this strange man have in an ICW ring? two Rock Bottoms later he has revealed himself tae be none other than LIONHEART! Fan in a zipper gimmick in full effect once more.That hing must be like an invisibility cloak or suhin, cause nae cunt ever seems tae see him comin.
Hearto, Wolfy and Red stand victorious, and it looks like we might be reforming The Gold Label as faces when Lionheart and Wolfgang put their hands together (n a comradery kinda way, no a skippin through a meadow typa deal) and urge Red tae join them. A heel tae the fuckin end though int eh. He refuses and that's that. Genuinely excellent match, and the drama after it just added to the story they told in the ring. Fuckin outstanding stuff, cannae wait to see this one back.

Jack Jester vs Joe Coffey

This was excellent anaw. They found it hard to top Wolfy n Red, but it was still a cracker of a physical encounter. A wee exchange of shoulder blocks starts us off, with one of them sending Coffey flying clean oot the ring. Jester makes use of the rest time as Joe lies outside hauf deid, by posing in the corner like one of yer french girls. We then see a brammer of a suicide dive, before Joe nails Jester wae a drop toehold on tae the barrier. Jester then brings one of the poles that were scattered aboot the place intae play (cause it Maryhill meht, yer never mare than 5 feet away fae a pole) and uses the rope attached to it, to choke Joe out. We then see a suplex on one of the steel barriers, before my favourite spot of the night. I dunno why I liked it so much, but its basically Jester and Coffey both battling to get each other up for a suplex. We have at least 7 or 8 tries, before Joe Coffey finally hits one. Then its lariat city, population Jester as Coffey nails him wae two absolute belters. Legit "take yer heid aff yer shooders" typa Lariats. Jesters kicked out at 2, but I reckoned one more lariat widda done the job. Wisnae tae be for the bold Mr Coffey though, as Jester rolls him up for the quick win. Joe isnae happy and he summons his bother oot tae do a number of Jester, before the Champ arrives. The Coffeys backed aff as soon as Whippy emerged because this wisnae yer happy go Lucky Whippy, who had a wee laugh and a joke and even a cuddle wae Grado. This wis danger-zone Whippy. This wis bite yer ear aff, chew it up, and spit it in yer maws face typa whippy. Wae the clown make-up on and that icy fuckin stare. Him and Jam knock the utter shite oota Jester, before Whippy sets up Jesters corkscrew on the top turnbuckle and seems intent on..well ending his life really. Ye send a cunt at full speed, heid first intae a corkscrew and thats generally a recipe for death. Dallas stops him fae doing it though, before the whole roster jump oot tae gie Jester hauners. Whippy isnae best pleased, and keeps trying tae get at him but it wisnae tae be. Cracking wee end to the show, which builds up their title match at fear n Loathing just nicely. Aye, it'll dae me.

Honorable mention tae the bold Eddie Sideburns, who reffed the whole fuckin show wae a Camera/bra on, and got the shite kicked out him twice. Yer mans a soldier.

Overall, I wis expecting a good show but naewhere near as good as this. Wisnae quite of the unbelievable standard that the last 2 shows have produced, but the unique all seated atmosphere, combined wae some outstanding wrasslin and plenty of surprises made it a cracking night. I gie it a right honourable 8.5 Asai Moonsaults outta 10.