Mark Henry vs Curtis Axel
Aww beautiful. I expected little fae this, but then yer Mark Henry started buttin Axel like the Junkyard Dog n I spunked aw err ma hall. Big E accompanied him tae the ring, and Ryback accompanied Axel so naturally Big E gied Rywank a diddy hit for his troubles, then the bold Mr Henry hits the Worlds Strongest Slam fura win. No a bad way tae kick aff yer Smackdown eh? it wisnae a promo involving Randy Orton so it'll dae me.
Broadus Clay appears to turn heel by shouting at and shoving Xavier Woods backstage. If ye feel the need tae pretend ye care about this, since its getting near Christmas, why not put yon face ye pull when yer kiddin on one of yer pressies isnae a total shiter. Yon fake smile and nod. Ye know the one.
Renee Young introduces Randy Orton tae the ring fur an interview. I spoke too soon troops. Gawd almighty. Since I'm reviewing this live I'm gonnae huv a wee ramble about something completely unrelated tae it until I hear him say something interesting. Aw Christ, he just said he had an iron jaw ahahahahahahaha belter. Anyway aye, when I wis wee I used tae watch Summerslam 90 a lot, n since then I've been quite taken wae Mr Perfect. He dropped the IC Belt tae Kerry Von Erich anaw, but he done it wae such style and grace, and oh theres Orton stormed oot the ring! thank fuck for that. Renee musta asked him if his tan wis real or no. Never question this mans bronzing regime if ye don't want tae be on the sharp end of a hissy fit. Lesson learned Renee hen.
Great Khali n Titus O'Neal eating a lot, while other low-mid card cunts watch. When did WWE get shite again? this is fuckin shite man. I cannae even summon the energy tae ridicule this wae my usual vigour, cause its baws. Titus wins the eating hing and gets tellt he's tae wrestle Cesaro. I suppose that means we get a Cesaro singles match, so its no aw bad eh.
3MB vs Los Matadores and The Wee Bull
So 3MB are the Plymouth Rockers this week. They're actually daein this hing so they urr, comin oot wae a new gimmick every week. I'll no lie, I dig it. It makes me forget they're jobbers briefly, until they...well until they job n that. They're wrestling Los Matadores this week cause its been at least 2 weeks since we seen this fuckin match, but this time instead of the wee bull hittin a hurricanrana on one of 3MB efter the match, he's actually in it! Such amazement! I cannae wait for it tae begin. The bull and the matadors hit some dives, before Jinder stomps on a matadors chest. Big Drew scuds a Matador while he hings on the tap rope, before the same Matador hits a nice spike DDT on Drew. Wee headscissors takedoon followed by a mental armdrag hing fae the wee bull, here btw, dinnae tell anycunt but I wis actually fair intae this. An entertaining wee romp so it wis. Yer Matadors hit that shite double team backdrop hing for the win. 3MB are pencilled in tae win a match roon aboot February time, so don't despair, the boayz will have their day in the sun. Or Drews gonnae turn on the other two soon. I know whit wan I'm hopin fur chief!
Wis gonnae ignore this wee bit, cause its just a bunch of wrasslers talkin about how braw it is tae be on tour. Kofi Kingston pronounced Belgium weird btw. But it caught my attention cause it hud the Smella twins kiddin on they were nice people. Foolin NAECUNT wae that routine ya coupla devilish rotters yees.
Tonnes of Funk vs Xavier Woods n R-Truth
Usual happy go lucky dancing routine fae Broadus, and R-Truth n Xavier Woods also appeared tae be cheeky wee faces, so this wis jist 4 guys who like a dance huvin a wee scrap. Nae herm in it. Big Albert hits a splash in the corner on truth, but Truth boots his jaw for him as he approaches for a second dose of splashin. Xavier gets in and tries tae knock Broadus aff the apron, but the big man nae sells it tae fuck cause he's a big jiggly mess of a boay. Broadus gets a blind tag, and hits a second rope splash on Woods fur the win, before talkin some smack tae Xavier. So we're using Xavier Woods main roster promotion tae push Broadus Clay as a heel aye? gid. Ridden wae logic that so it isnae. The Funkadactyls, Albert n Broadus huv a heavy awkward wee dance together. Safe tae assume this wee stable willnae be a stable for much longer eh. If it leads tae Albert being Albert again, I'm fine wae it.
Oh aye! First a brief CM Punk promo backstage. He's no heard fae Daniel Bryan, and he thinks Roman Reigns spearing him wis a right sneaky move. Sneaky n cheeky... and then Bray.
Ooft, those words. Ye think by now we might be sick of it considering the fact that he disnae wrestle much, but those fuckin words. Spine tingling brawness. I cannae dae it justice so I wont try, he said wonderful things. He always does.
Titus O'Neil vs Antonio Cesaro
Titus spends much of the early part of this yin moving slowly and haudin his stomach, so ye ken fine well whits comin. He's gonnae get the spins and he's gonnae whitey. We're gonnae witness a fuckin live whitey boys n girls. We aw as excited as I am for that? Antonio keeps on hittin aw sorts of sareness on Titus' middles, afore hitting that gutwrench suplex and finally locking in the spins. He only gets tae about 8 before wee Darren Young saves the day, and saves his pal fae a live whitey. Or does he? Titus stumbles tae the outside like he's been in Kushion mainlining Sambucca, and he grabs JBLs hat, afore whiteying profusely intae it, and dumping the live whitey on Michael Coles heid. I'll pose this question tae ye once more, when did WWE get shite again? I hink it wis probably the very moment that Daniel Bryan wis removed fae the title picture eh? Only thing keepin this watchable right now is The Wyatts, the Shield and of course The Beardy Besties. Oh and Titus wis sick on Zebs heid anaw. I jist spent the last 10 minutes watching Titus vomit on people. Is this whit life is noo? I'm so confused.
The Rhodezies vs The Shield (Tag Title Match)
Magic as usual. Dean Ambrose on commentary anaw, and he disnae gie a fuck. Tells Micheal Cole tae keep his daft nose oof the boayzies business, and when JBL tries to apologise for Cole, he tells him tae clamp it anaw. Dean Ambrose isnae yer pal, and to be frank aboot it, if Titus hudnae already done it, he'd probably spew in yer hat anaw just tae drive home the point that you mean ride aw tae him. Cody and Goldy send the boys flying oot the ring, before Cody goes for the Alabama Slam, but Rollins reverses. Big Roman the conqueror gets in and The Shield boys are lookin as cohesive as ever. I have become quite enamoured with Roman and that spear he does, and if yer wondering whit I mean by enamoured, I mean I want tae do dirty stuff tae it.
Codys getting ragdolled for a while but he finally gets Goldy back in and he comes oot wae aw the classics; Uppercuts, atomic drops, and sensual chest stroking galore, before Rollins and Goldy get dumped err the ropes. Rollins is in there wae Goldy and lookin strong, drops himsell back first on Goldys chest, but big Dustin rsponds wae the crispest of aw the DDTs. Reigns gets in wae Goldy n this is the stuff im intae. In an ideal world, Goldy gets a wee shot of the World Heavyweight Title next year, and its big Roman that takes it aff him. They have the brawest chemistry so they dae. Rollins and Reigns attempt a double team, but Goldy scuds them baith wae some flying eblow action. Codys back in and fleein aboot daft, rolls up Rollins for the near fall, before hitting that beautiful uppercut fae the ground. Aw sortsa carnage on the outside, wae Reigns n Goldust exchanging big auld shots tae the jaw. Cody tries the moonsault back in the ring but he misses by a mile and Seth goes for the springboard knee, Cody moves and hits the Cross Rhodes for the win, will it widda been if Dean Ambrose didnae dive in and make it a DQ. CM Punk clearly disnae take too kindly tae matches not finishing cleanly, cause he comes rushin oot wae a chair and leathers Reigns in the ribs wae it.
Err Vickie! aw please make it a 6 man tag. Please.
She did it! its a 6 man tag! and the fuckin original match wis eye wateringly braw in its ain right. Here we go.
The Shield vs The Rhodzies and CM Punk
CM Punk chopping Ambrose daft is something I didnae expect tae see when I settled in for a tag title match so this is mare than a pleasant surprise. I wis creamin ma drawers fur it. Some shit for Goldy right enough, the mans 44 ffs, he cannae be pullin these double shifts without at least a wee nap in between. Cody battles wae Rollins on the outside, before taggin his brother back in tae smack the taste outta Rollins's gub. Back tae Punk and Ambrose and Punk hits the swinging neckbreaker before caling for the GTS. Lights oot, The Wyatts turn up haufway doon the aisle and keep their scary beady eyes on the events unfolding in the ring. Their distraction leads The Sheild tae gain the upper hand again, but Punk hits back wae one of the maist impressive double moves I've ever seen as he hits a swinging neckbreaker on Ambrose and a DDT on Rollins at the same time. The Wyatts see this as their cue tae start battering the Rhodzies and that's another DQ. Fuck sake. The Usos and Rey jump oot for hauners and Vickie makes it a 12 man tag. Ocht just when I thought this Smackdown had went fae total shite tae allllllright, fuckin 12 man tag. This messy nansense can get tae fuck.
The Shield and The Wyatts vs The Usos, The Rhodsiez, CM Punk and Rey Misterio
Harper batters an Uso before strangely snubbing his brothers and tagging in Rollins. Rollins returns the favour by taggin Bray and and tae the naked eye, it appears tae be aw the boayzies together as one. Rey gets in there wae Harper and hits a tornado DDT. At this point Goldy is pretty much hyper ventilating on the apron, face paint aw dishevelled, fuckin knackered so he wis. Bray gets in there and batters wee Rey a bit, before Rowan does yon bearhug where it looks like hes trying tae squeeze aw yer vital organs oot. Whit a creepy big ginger giant of a man. Punk gets back in and hits a couple high knees on Big Rowan. Wan mare for good measure? why no eh. Gid tae see Punk enjoying his work again after months of having tae suffer through matches wae nae users like Ryback and Axel. The Usos dae some super high dives on Harper and Rollins, before Punk has a GTS attempt on Rowan thrwarted by Bray. Rey Misterio is huvin none of that, and hits a 619 on Rowan after getting rid of Bryay, n Punk hits the GTS on Rowan tae finally gie us a clean finish after 40 odd minutes of fairly fuckin braw wrasslin. I mean I'm no a huge fan of the mental booking, but ye cannae argue with aw the gid wrasslin we were treated tae there.
So for yer Mark Henry sighting, a surprisingly entertaining wee match wae The Matadors and 3MD, and the gidness on show in yer mental main event, Smackdown jist managed tae creep up tae 6.75 tiger bombs oota 10.
Tell us a story Big E!
No comments:
Post a Comment