Everything should start wae a CM Punk promo.
I'm no talking about just wrasslin shows either mate, just things. Got a big night planned wae the burd? wee anniversary n some tender sweaty pumpin? Watch the pipebomb promo n get yersell standing tae attention. Ye got a wee job interview? feelin nervous? how about that promo he cut wae Mick Foley wae aw the braw shouting? all of lifes landmark events would be better if they started with a CM Punk promo. There is nae room for debate here.
So when Punk strolled oot tae kick off Smackdown this week, wur ye baws oot n waving them aboot? I know I wis.
He cuts a beautiful wee promo about how he disnae understand why the Wyatts attacked him, but he's no caring. No gien nae fucks. Not a one. If they fancy a fight, they can come ahead. CM Punks rerr for a brawl. Essentially he's square go'ing three of the most captivating characters in recent wrestling history. Well Bray is, and the other two are huge parts of whit make him such a frightening cunt, so imagine calling oot three bonafide belters like the Wyatts and Curtis fuckin Axels music plays instead. Why are they punishing Punk like this? cunt cannae get a break fae dealing wae these diddies.
Axel got on the mic and everyone set thersells on fire.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel
The match wis braw though. It couldnae no be. Axel can fuckin work. I'll never deny that, but he has a complete inability tae make the audience care. Exact opposite of his da. Punk kicks things aff wae some silky work. Double axe handle off the top, followed by a wee snapmare and a dropkick tae the back of the dome. Axel pulls Punks face right intae the middle turnbuckle cause he's a wee shite that way. Nae need. Tosses Punk to the outside, but when the daft dick stepped ontae the apron, Punk kicks his leg right oot fae under him. Sit doon Shiteiss Shitezel.
Punk draps the the dafty belly first on the barricade, then hits a baseball slide on him.
Axel gets back in the game wae a vicious clothesline, and then he locks in the crossface cause he just likes taking the finishing moves of deid geniuses and making them irrelelvant.
Spinning heel ick fae Punk, followed by a swinging neckbreaker. Cracking match. See if id never heard Axel on the mic? I'd probably love the cunt, but unfortunately I have and ye cannae unhear the ramblings of a robot. Punk goes up for the flying elbow and then.....Wyatts
Its only a wee goof but! The Wyatts don't appear and off the distraction Axel hits the Perfect Plex. Don't hink he's ever pinned a cunt wae it but, so fae now on whenever he uses it I shall refer tae it as the Imperfect Plex, or "stop using yer dads move and making it irrelevant ya fuckin diddy ride" Punk hits the GTS right after and that wis game over. Cracker of a match though, and the wee swerve tae finish gied me much tingles in ma nethers.
The Usos and R-Truth vs 3MB
Fuck knows why. Jist a match really eh? no really heading anywhere. Good tae see 3MB get consistent TV time though, even if they are jobbing tae everycunt, it indicates that maybe...ONE of them is ready tae break free n get a push. Perhaps a chosen one? Anyway aye, the match wis decent, but another one of those I struggled tae get above neutral for. Widda been a great superstars match, but no Smackdown. Full nelson slam fae an Uso, before Truth got tagged in. Now it made sense, cause they cry him the Hometown Boy, so we must be near his hoose eh, that's why this match happened. Good tae know. Some lovely dives fae the Usos, before Truth hits Jinder wae a move that looks a lot like the zigzag, cept no as gid and he does it from the front. No bad though. Didnae hate this just didnae really care.
Yer Funkadactyls vs AJ and Tamina
Yes indeedy. This wis pretty fuckin good. Four lassies who can actually fuckin wrestle in a divas match..this shit wis like a tall glass of Sunny D, so crisp. So refreshing. So very braw.
Beautiful wee bulldog fae Cameron, but she made the mistake of trying tae hit a hurricanrana on big Tamina, and the big Amazonian goddess powerbombed her intae next Christmas. Naomi saves the three count, but Tamina smacks her stupit anaw. Tamina basically batters both of them a lot, then tags AJ in for yon Black Widow on Cameron and that was that. Gid wee match though. Short, but smashin.
Aw Christ on a fuckin peddalo. Bert Del Nae Belts on the mic. Fuck knows whit he said man, I'm actually still listening tae it as I type this and taking nothing in, but here's John Cena tae save the day! as he always does. Cenas bit is heely as fuck. takes the piss out his ain theme when he suggests Del Rio should be given a card that plays his theme. Theres nae back and forth here but. Cena talks, Del Rio talks, but they urnae talking to each other. Pile of baws. No intae it. Get. Bert. Tae. Fuck.
Cena suggests they have their WH Title re-match the night, but we aw ken that's no gonnae happen. Vickie comes oot n books Naebelts against Khali instead. At least that means he'll no be fuckin talking anymore eh?
Bert v Khali
Naw. Sloppy. Choppy. Crossarmbreaker. Naw.
Luke Harper vs Daniel Bryan
So this is pretty much the exact opposite of the shite that went before it eh? Daniel Bryan, an engaging wee genius who has every crowd he performs in front of in the palm of his haun, against Luke Harper, a huge big lump of a man who can fuckin move wae the best of them, and wrasslin wise hes a talented boay. Polar opposites fae Bert and Khali.
Harper kicks things aff wae some brutal ground n pound stuff. Sare front facing headlock, and when Bryan tries tae fight oot, he gets hit wae yon standing diddy splash. Harper slingshots our poor wee hairy faced hero on the middle rope anaw. Sare windpipe Danny san. Danny hurls the big lump over the rope, and hits a peach of a suicide dive followed by some braw kicks. Already this is 10x better than the whole Del Rio v Khali match. Harper follows up getting kicked stupid, by hurling Daniel shoulder first intae the barricade. The very same shoulder that Bray decimated the week before. Cause strategy n that. Harper kinda ragdolls our boay here if im honest, but its braw storytelling, Hurls him intae the steel steps, before landing about a hunner million forearms to the melt.
Bryan finally gets some solid offence in, with some braw kicks, and sexy wee legsweep. This shit is too gid btw. Harper having braw matches with Punk and Bryan in the space of a week tells ye aw ye need tae know about the big lump. He knows his shit. Bryan twists Harpers treetrunk leg in a bendy wee submission hold, before landing a hunner sare forearms tae the chin. He then brings the match tae his pace for the first time, when he fucks under a clothesline to land one of his own. Looks like the usual routine, with aw the braw kicks, dropkicks, hurricanranas n aw that, but naw, when he goes for the roundhouse Harper catches him, stauns up and lands a fuckin spine shttering powerbomb. So very sare and so very gid for the soul. Fuck knows how my man DBry kicked oota that. He's just no real.
Harper looks tae put the boay away, but Bryan catches him in the Yes! lock outta nowhere and sadly Rowan runs in for the DQ. I don't mind the finish cause of how much of a braw wee story the boys told wae the match, but the match felt like it deserved something clean. Nae bother though. In comes Bray to do the devils bidding, but we get our second Punk sighting of the evening tae save the day. Him n Bryan clear oot Harper and Rowan and Bray retreats. Beautiful stuff. I dunno whit the match is gonnae be at Survivor Series between these boayzies, but I knows its gonnae be fuckin superb. Nectar mate. Wrasslin nectar.
A 10 minute RAW recap. Triple Hs face. Behave yersells wae ths shite.
John Cena vs Ryback
Keep an open mind I says tae mysell. Rybacks best matches have been wae Cena, so this might be ok! naw really.
Shame it wis shite but eh? A real shame.
Nice gorilla press fae Ryback so it wis, see if this was part of a repertoire that involved any gid wrestling, I widnae mind it, but it disnae. I'm gonnae skip the the end, cause fuck this turgid pile of shite. Worst spear I've ever seen fae Ryback. Truly fuckin terrible. He just cannae wrestle can he? I yearn for Batista every time I watch the cunt, and I fuckin hate big Dave.
The boays exchange some vicious right hands, before Ryback hits that fuckin awful clothesline. I jist hate it man, it looks like he faws doon. Ryback looks like he's closing in on the win, but Cena hits the AA oota naewhere cause that's what he do. I cannae help it, im intae this title reign noo. Its just nice tae huv that belt round a waist that I can bring mysell tae gie a fuck aboot. For a Ryback match it wisnae the worst thing I've ever seen, but compared tae that storytelling perfection fae Bryan n Harper, it wis a steamy shiter. Del Rio runs in tae finish the show, but John gets the better of him anaw. Nae danger.
Fairly gid Smackdown. Nothing I despised wrasslin wise, unless ye count Beltless Berty n Khali as wrasslin, but I don't. I'll gie this gid bitta gear 7 kneebars oota 10. Naw 8. We'll go wae 8, just for the Bryan n Harper brawness. Optimum levels of braw.
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