Aries vs Angle. That's all I kept saying to myself throughout this weeks Impact. No matter how bad it gets, Aries vs Angle is on the card. The fact that Aces and Eights is still a thing, or more specifically the fact that Garret Bischoffs employment apparently doesn't hinge on his auld dad being with the company, did not matter. Because Aries vs Angle.
It saddens me deeply that I have to review the first hour or so of this show, because that first hour or so did not contain Austin Aries vs Kurt Angle.
In case you hadn't gathered that already, Austin Aries vs Kurt Angle is on the card tonight.
Aces and Eights emerge to kick off the show. I phoned my shotgun guy and asked how quickly he could get me a shotgun, he of course said "very quickly, I'm the shotgun guy" so 5 minutes later I had a shotgun, and then I blew both my kneecaps off with it.
Bully is the "PUPPIT MASTUH" apparently, and we're "NUTTIN BUT A BUNCHA SUCKIZ" because on the off chance that you hadn't heard, Bully's from New York.
No heat here at all. Nothing. No one cares or has ever cared about this "club"
Bully accepts Andersons challenge to a match next week. Fantastic, that should be......something.
Anderson comes out, so things were about to get shouty.
When Anderson wins next week, Aces and Eights have to disband, that's the stip for...some reason. If Anderson loses he's done in TNA. Bully makes an awful crack about piledriving Andersons pregnant wife. Crass.
Andersons reacts to this by clubbing Bully with the mic, which of course led to an Aces and Eights beatdown. Anderson somehow cleans house and is rewarded with an impromptu match against none other than KNUXY!!!!!
Knux vs Anderson
Knux executes a decent sidewalk slam, and I almost fainted. So out of character. Anderson ducks a lariat and hits the mic check for the win. The rest was a blur.
Jospeph Park backstage talking about Bad Influence really being a Bad Influence, throwing an Appletini in his face was out of order because he don't even drink!
Then we get Daniels and Kaz cutting a hilarious promo about how they only chucked an Appletini in Parks face last week because he looked thirsty, and there was a genuine concern about him bursting into flames.
Park vs Daniels later. Also Aries vs Angle, did I mention that?
Christopher Daniels vs Joseph Park
The fact that we're at match 2 already makes this weeks Impact much better than last weeks 2 hour promo masquerading as a wrestling show. Park starts out strong here, hitting a scoop slam, and trying but failing to lock in the Boston Crab.
Samoan Drop from Park, followed by another scoop slam, and then a sidewalk slam. This was all Park, so you had to assume the finish would be some tomfoolery geared towards Park having an attack of the Abyss. A big splash in the corner from Park, is followed by a low blow from Daniels with the referee distracted and that was it. Daniels won. No swerve, no return of Abyss (who still has the TV Title in case anyone forgot...a belt which was pretty much retired without anyone ever mentioning it...because TNA) Its good that it was a wrestling match I suppose, but not enough offense from Daniels here.
EC3 vs Both of the jobbers from previous weeks
I refuse to review this. I don't care if that's unprofessional. EC3 can wrestle btw, but I'm not reviewing him beating the same jobbers every week. Nope. Not happening. The last remnants of my sanity are very dear to me. I cant put them at risk
Dixie Carter screeching about her title tournament. Last week Jeff Hardy beat "somebody" She forgot Sabins name, a man who had the wolrd title 2 months ago. Good lord. She brings Storm, Roode, Joe and Magnus into the ring. I don't know why any of this was happening. She gives Storm some chat about him not doing much lately, and he says she cant handle his rodeo or something. I just...............don't even....know.
So its all to tell us the Storm will wrestle Roode, and Magnus will wrestle Joe in the tournament, but we knew that.
Finally something I didn't hate, Joe gets on the mic and cuts a very real sounding promo about how Dixie is only holding the tournament to cover her tracks as she couldn't cut a deal with AJ. When Joe wins the tournament he'll wrestle AJ Styles, and Dixie screams at him at a volume that only small rodents and Spike Dudley can hear. Magnus gets on the mic and I died inside. Some Cliché ridden garbage about how he has to beat the best to be the best. Awful. Anything that wasn't Samoa Joe here was awful.
Aries vs Angle though, amiright?
Anderson handcuffs Garret Bishoff to a....something, I dunno. It was metal and sturdy anyway so he's not going anywhere near a mic for the rest of the show/his life.
Gail Kim on the mic again, suffering Christ. I'm not sure if I'm incredibly annoyed or incredibly turned on by her voice. Its a mixture of Sensational Sherri and Snitsky. Anyway, Hannah Blossom answers her open challenge.....
Gail Kim vs Hannah Blossom
Filler is how you'd describe this. Wasn't awful, but nothing to write home (or to you good people) about. Blossom strings together some forearms, then a crisp snap suplex, before dropping an elbow, and that's about as much as she was ever going to get out of the match offensively. Gail hits eat defeat for the win soon after.
Joseph Park on the mic. He's unhappy with Daniels and Kaz. He agrees that he wont ever be as good as Abyss. He addresses the rumours that he and Abyss are the same person. He challenges Abyss to a match next week. I have no words. Its actually not an awful idea, but I assume the execution of it is going to induce blood stained tears from everyone who has the misfortune of seeing it.
FINALLY! ARIES AND ANGLE! No need for those razor blades anymore, our saviours have arrived.
Austin Aries vs Kurt Angle (Submission Match)
We kick off with a lockup, which Angle gets the better of, but Aries wriggled free and took him down with a legsweep. Angle reverses and the boys decide to take a short break. 15 seconds in and it had already surpassed everything that had happened on the show to this point. They lock up again, Angle gets the better of it with the side headlock takedown, with Aries reverses into a headscissors. One minute elapsed, and I had already gone from 6 to midnight. We then upped the pace a bit as the boys get to running the ropes. Angle uses his size to take Aries down with a shoulderblock, but Aries hits back with two armdrags, and then locks in the armbar. Aries goes for a dropkick with Angle sitting upright on the mat, but Angle catches him and attempts the Anklelock only for Aries to fight out. Angle catches him and looks like delivering a German Suplex, but Aries somehow manages to land on his feet. Aries locks in a half crab briefly, but then turns it into a modified STF. 3 and a half minutes in and this match was unspeakably brilliant. A single tear rolled down my cheek. A mixture of relief and sheer joy. Tilt o whirl backbreaker from Angle was next, and then Roode decided to show up on the stage with a chair in hand. No offence Bobby, usually id be glad to see you but GO AWAY.
Belly to belly throw from Angle on the outside, as Aries went for the double axe handle off the top and got caught. Back in the ring, Aries blocks another belly to belly attempt by clattering his arms off Angles ears, before Angle hits him with a flurry of clotheslines and elbows. Belly to belly, was followed by an inch perfect German Suplex from Angle, followed by another one, and a release German to finish it off. If I was doing a review in my usual Scottish twang here I'd have said Angle delivered AW RA SUPLEXES. So in case that term ever slips in without me noticing, that's how we describe a lot of suplexes in Scotland.
Angle goes for the Angle Slam, but Aries reverses it into an armdrag, then hits the discus forearm to send Angle flying out the ring, he follows that up with the double sledge off the top rope. Back in the ring, Aries goes for the missile dropkick but Angle catches him and finally gets the Anklelock in at the third attempt, he has it in for a while, but Aries eventually manages to wriggle his way out of it, sending Angle to the outside in the process, and then he landed a perfect suicide dive. Back in the ring he hits a missile dropkick, followed by a run of the mill dropkick in the corner. Austin Aries has officially went dropkick daft. Follows all the dropkick madness, with a Brainbuster, which he turned into the Last Chancery submission hold. This was all just too good. A late MOTY candidate for sure. Aries is taken up top for the Angle Slam, but he fights out, and goes the 450 splash instead. Angle rolls out the way and Aries lands on his weakened ankle, Angle uses this opening to start giving Roode some stick about his suit being second hand, and then he locks in the crossface which for some reason, after showing so much resilience throughout the match, Aries tapped to it instantly. Was the point here that Angle locks in Roodes own submission hold better than him? who knows, either way we were just treated to a 5 star match, which is quite a fear considering how awful the rest of the show was.
Unfortunately we couldn't end it on that high note, as Anderson drags Bischoff out, and hits a piledriver on the stage. For some reason Angle, Roode and Aries had to witness this.
Overall for the main event, and some funny stuff from Daniels, I'm going to be nice and give impact 6 standing moonsaults out of 10. Because I'm a nice man, and its nice to be nice.
Stay safe, don't try this at home, school, or anywhere near a combine harvester.
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