Orton. Mic in hand. Introduces Triple H n Steph. Cena. Unification match for the two main belts in the company is announced and its announced as a TLC match. It got NAE pop. None ataw. Find me a cunt that isnae totally gripped by a belly churning nausea at the idea of Orton vs Cena, and you'll have found me a cunt that disnae know who either of them are. I love me some Jahn Senah anaw, but this can away n take a running jump. So can Orton tryin tae sound intense on the mic, sounds like yer squeezing oot a wee turtle heid meht, away n lie doon ya waste of spunk.
15 minutes of the show that took. I gied it 6 lines of reviewin. That's aw ye need tae know. Infact its about 4 lines mare than ye needed tae know tae tell the truth.
The Shield vs The Rhodesiez and Rey Misterio
This was one of the 3 or 4 good things WWE managed tae pull oota 3 hours of tv time, so this gets aw the attention it deserves. I might even take this wee match oot for a nice seafood dinner, n some toffee apples it wis that gid. I think this match wid go quite nicely wae a Toffee Apple actually. The Shield have clearly strategized for this match a lot better than last nights fiasco, and they aw rush the ring to start things aff, knocki Cody and Rey aff the apron and battering fuck oota Goldy. They might no need big Roman tae spear hauf the arena this time after all eh. He might just fire in and dae it anyway but, cause he's a shimmering big god of a man that sometimes fancies spearing cunts. They aw take a wee shot of stomping a mudhole in Godys chest, before Dean Ambrose is afforded the opportunity to walk the sumbitch dry. Quick tags fae the hounds of justice, lead tae Ambrose hitting Goldy with a few flaps, followed by a dropkick attempt which the bizarre yin caught, before sending Ambrose flying err the ropes. Rollins is the next dafty tae launch himself at Goldy, and he gets caught wae an atomic drop. Goldust finally looks like he's gonnae be able tae tag in one of his buddies, but nae such luck as big Reigns gets in a launches himself aff the ropes wae a flying clothesline for a sneaky wee cheeky 2 count. Reigns and Ambrose both run at Goldy this time, but these boayz need tae fuckin learn their lesson man. Big yin catches them wae a double DDT n finally makes it tae his corner fur a tag, in comes wee Rey, and he sends Rollins tae the matt wae wee headscissors takedoon, before hitting a seated senton. Goes for another headscissors but Rollins catches the wee rascal this time, only fur Rey tae hit a headscissors anyway, fuck sake Rey meht, make yer mind up eh, ye wantin tae hit the 619 or no? he goes for it but Rollins follows big Romans lead fae last night and bounces aff the ropes; Rey ducks his clothesline attempt and fires at him wae a crossbody. Cody Rhodes finally gets his smiley wee dial involved and hits a missile dropkick, before getting a wee near fall wae a Sunset Flip. Then another yin after an Alabama Slam. That's big Romans cue tae go spear daft once again, and he duly obliges as he haufed Rey and Goldy in two wae another coupla huge spears. Then he took Goldys bottom hauf and stuck it tae Reys top hauf and had a right gid giggle tae himsell before Cody dropkicked him oot the ring. Cody looks set tae hit Rollins wae the Cross Rhodes fur the win, but Ambrose catches him fae behind and hits yon finisher which is like a Russian Leg Sweep but he lands ye face first instead, I dunno whit its called, naecunts gied it a name yet which only adds tae Ambrose's eeriness, but it gets the job done for win. Some team so they urr.
The Miz is supposed tae be interviewing Michael Strahan, who is our guest host for the evening. This wee segment had it aw in terms of making ye want tae impale yersell on the tusk of a wooly mammoth. Here's whit I gathered fae it in handy wee bullet points for yer reading enjoyment.
- WWE thinks all black people look the same, meaning they could happily send Titus O'Neal oot tae kid on he wis Michael Strahan. Hopefully it leads tae Big E Langston or Mark Henry getting some belts eh? even if they dunno whit wan they're giving the belts tae, it wid still be gid.
- I have nae fuckin clue who or whit a Michael Strahan is, nor will I ever. Even if ye sat me doon and gied me his life story, I wid proudly take none of it in, cause I don't give a fuck.
- The Miz is in the midst (the Mizdst?) of the maist confusing heel/face/heel turn ever, tae the point that if it wis anyone else but him, it wid be one of the bigger talking points in the company but cause its him NAEBDY REALLY GIES A FUCK.
- Not being able tae sell a hiptoss insnae big or clever Michael Strahan....wrap that pish.
- See when ye've nae patter tae hit oot wae, don't jist say the first hings that pop intae yer heid. It makes for messy promo work. I'm no talkin aboot just The Miz when I say that, but aye.....The Miz needs tae stoap that.
- Titus O'Neal is better than this.
- Huvin some cunt naebdy outside of North America kens de-value the business by openly calling it fake is not fuckin clever in any way, shape or form.
- Fuck off.
Jabber entrance for square dids and the charisma vacuum. Gid stuff. Nae Heyman, nae belts, nae momentum. Exactly where you fandans belong. They were gaun up against my favourite tag team of aw the tag teams anaw, fuckin so in case ye hudnae gathered, this wis another part of this weeks RAW that I didnae find repulsive. Far fae it. Look at them! coupla shapely diddied powerhouses wae an appetite for destruction, and a song in their herts. That song is like yon 3 is the Magic Number tune, cept 3 aint enough man, they need 5! (never gets auld)
Match wis pretty gid, they re-hash their Survivor Series singles matches, and big Mark hits a running powerslam and yer Worlds Strongest Slam on Axel for the win. Should gied this a wee bit more time so they shoulda considering the fact that yon assault on the senses fae Miz, Titus n Strahan got aboot hauf an hour (felt at least that long anyroad) but aye. BIG E N MARK HENRY!
7 on 7 elimination divas match (same burds as Survivor Series)
Nah. I cannae dae it. They got away wae it at Survivor Series cause they kept it nice n simple, but this wis a fuckin shambles. Disnae matter how often ye get them tae dae the worm either, The Bellas will always be wee cows. Eva Marie pinned Alicia Foxx im sure anaw, so nah. This could get itsell tae fuck. It gets doon tae Summer Rae vs The Smellas and Eva Marie and efter a brief dance off, Nikki or Brie pinned Summer. Fuckin naw. A total riddy for womens wrasslin so it wis.
Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow (Hamptons Hardcore Match)
If yer wondering what a Hamptons Hardcore Match is, so am I mate. I gathered fae looking at the ring that it involves golf clubs, and Dolph wearing an Ice Hockey jersey, so we'll take that tae be whit it is eh. I cannae gie ye a detailed review of this fur different reasons that the other shite. That other mess just hurt my heid, but this? this hurt my heart so it did. Seeing these two exceedingly talented gid yins on the shelf, only getting screen time tae hit each other wae bins, drums and wicker baskets filled wae bath bombs n fancy haun cream. A fuckin travesty considering how much momentum they should baith huv. They should be fueding for the WH Belt so they should, but naw, we've punted it roon about various diddies for the best part of 3 years tae justify unifying the belts and keeping proper talents like these two working pre-show matches and jobbing tae haddies like Axel. Sandow won wae yon You're Welcome on top of a bin, lets move on afore the wound sustained from this occurring becomes big enough tae sook in all living things which come within 100 feet of it.
Michael Strahan gets gied a sheeps mask aff Rowan. Imagine involving The Wyatts in this guest host pish? get that tae fuck. Then Santino appeared n spoke aboot Turkeys. Awrite Santino?
Rennee Young introduces Bryan and Punk tae us aw, and she's fuckin wringing fae the word go. Especially for Punk, but she definitely got a cheeky wee eye for ma boay DBry anaw. They have a wee chat about their upcoming 3 on 2 handicap match against the Wyatts, and this chat mainly involves Punk asking hunners of Yes or No questions mighty cheekily, and Daniel Bryan of course answering them wae "YES!" after he asks if its "totally weird that they both have their own microphones and Renee isnae asking them any questions?!" tae which DBry of course answers yes, before Punk does his usual and breaks the fuckin mould. He asks "which team name is better the GOATS (Greatest Of All Teams) of The Beard and The Best, tae which DBry complains is "not a Yes or No question" Punk takes that as his cue tae huv a rant aboot how aw these handicap matches are Triple Hs doing cause he's a cretin who wid disintegrate if ye chucked salt oan uhm. He tells us aw that the GOATS are making a habit of overcoming the odds, and they'd take oot anycunt who faced them even if it wis COLT CABANA or MATT CLASSIC, or ehh....Scott Colton or Marty DeRosa. (three of those names are Colt Cabana btw incase ye didnae catch that) Daniel Bryan looks a wee bit confused, I dunno if he knows 3 of they cunts are Colt Cabana n mibbe he wis a wee bit worried Punk wis talking him intae a 4 on 2 match. DBry says Bray isnae gonnae stop till he's ruined DBry and Punk, but they urnae gonnae let that happen, before he asks Punk whit time it is. Ye aw ken whit time it is. I don't need tae even say it dae I?
CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family
Punk literally kicks hings aff wae Rowan, and he kicks him so hard his spleen comes fleein oot his big erse. Daniel Bryan gets in and gets the spleen shaped hole in the cunts chest, before Rowan scuds him wae an elbow tae the chest. Big Harper gets in and gets in amongst it, but Bryan takes him doon wae that braw flying clothesline. Big Harper blocks a snapmare attempt fae Punk, cause he's aboot 6'11 and 300 pun of bearded balding man, if he disnae want snapmared, he disnae get snapmared. Bryan n Harper exchange uppercuts, but Harper wisn never losing that yin and finally we see the leader. Bray gets in n Michael Cole tells us its the first time we've seen him wrestle in months even though he wis I the fuckin main event last week, cause Michael Cole is, and always has been a fuckin nae user.
The boys take a shot each of brutalising wee DBry, afore Punk gets back in tae save the day. Flying knee sends Rowan tumbling oot the ring, lit yer auld da tumbles oot the Countin House efter a night oan the Prosecco, afore Punk hits him wae a Suicide Dive, much like yer auld da gets hit by...lit...motors n that, cause hes aw steamin....aye that analogy kinda fell on its erse eh? moving swiftly on...
Punk hits a swinging neckbreaker, then yer Macho Man elbow, afore calling for the GTS, but he gets too distracted by the beautiful beards hingin aboot on the apron and whilst he admires, big Rowan picks him up and dumps him outside the ring. Harper circles him while mouthing the words "you got a pretty little butt" but we cut tae a break before we can see mad Punk get his baws felt.
Bray gets back in and sticks the nut oan Punk repeatedly, before scoop slamming him wae extra cheese n BBQ sauce oan the side. Rowan bearhugs Punk so hard, his heid popped aff his shooders, ad Bray punted it intae the crowd like he wis fuckin Snitsky or suhin. Punk remarkably manages tae fight oot n kick Rowan in the heid, and Bryan gets tagged back in. He hits Harper wae some jabs after dropkicking Bray aff the apron, before ducking a clothesline fae Harper and hitting Bray was a suicide dive oan the other side of the ring. Baw tickling gidness. Bryan goes up top n missile dropkicks Harpers spleen clean oot his erse, leaving the Wyats wae one spleen between the three of them. He then goes for yon kicks, and once again Harper catches him before the big roundhouse tae finish, but his powerbomb attempt is thwarted by a beautiful wee hurricanrana. Bryan goes for yer Yes! Lock right after, but its broke up by Rowan and Bray. The three big beardy brutes then proceed tae knock the living shite oota both our mainest boayzies, before they carry Bryan through tae the back tae likely stick hunners of improperly lubricated digits up his erse.
Punk dives oot the ring tae go after them and help his wee pal but then SPEAR!!!!!!!!
The main of the moment Roman Reigns literally comes fae fuckin naewhere. As in he wisnae on screen ataw, then he had speared a cunt. Unreal meht. He's been spear daft recently as ye ken, but this one wis the best yet. A stoater. Ambrose and Rollins then appear fae seemingly naewhere and the three of them drag Punk intae the ring for the Triple Powerbomb. Whit a smashin angle this is, I'd go as far tae say that its the only thing making RAW essential viewing the noo considering how insignificant the main belts are just noo. Wae The Shield teasing a face turn every noo n that, and aw the braw violence and beards. Beautiful stuff. Imagine we didnae huv this or Big Es tits? ye'd stert readin books on Monday nights, or playing Kerplunk wae yer wee brerr or suhin.
That's where it shoulda ended folks. If it ended there I'd have given this shit a right solid 6.5 oota 10. No the besta RAWs, but enough brawness tae keep ye fae causing yersell major harm. It didnae end there though, the last hour happened, and we're aw a tiny wee bit stupider for having witnessed it.
The Miz vs Kofi Kingston
LOUD NOISES! whit in the name of fuck is The Miz noo? he's offering tae shake folks hauns after matches when hes just turned heel again? apparantely he husnae but, hes a face wae a wee edgy side. The only edgy side I'd show this cunt is the the edge of ma elbow headin fur his fuckin throat. Their match last night wis apparantely gid, and from what I remember of this sequel it wisnae bad either, but I've seen it umpteen times afore and re-watching it wis by numer Umpteen n One, so it can get tae fuck. Kofi gets a two count fae a crossbody, and Miz kinda folded him err for a quick three count oota naewhere. Kofis lit that "ye whit?" n the ref went "3 count meht"
Wade Barrett was asked what he made of that match in a backstage interview, and he responded with "Great question. Good match" Eloquent as ever Wade ma man.
Xavier Woods vs Heath Slater
As happy as I am tae see mad Consequences Creed oan RAW, why the fuck does he keep comin oot tae other cunts music and wae other cunts burds? this time he comes oot tae Tonnes Of Funks music and wae a Funkadactyl for each airm. He's in there wae Heath Slater and as much as I didnae find this offensive tae aw the senses, I didnae find it interesting enough tae watch it again, so I'll tell ye how it finished and we'll move oan eh. Woods hits a braw sommersaultin clothesline, afore nailing Heath wae Lost In The Woods fur the win. Mad Xavier Woods, a very entertaining fella, hopefully they gie him his ain music n aw that stuff, so he can be a real boay.
Michael Strahan signing autographs for various divas. I still don't know who you urr mate.
John Cena and The Big Show vs Bert "Naebelts" Del Rio and Randy "Nae-eyes" Orton
Its bad news when yer main event involves both World Champions, and the best wrestler involved is Berty Naebelts. I'm no even gonnae try n watch this again man. Last night I resorted tae lookin up the stats for the Sellik game last weekend such wis my boredom as this tedious pile of boaby. Of course Cena and Show won. Cena husnae even came within sniffing distance of a loss since he came back. I huv tae hope that this pish is trying tae buid fan apathy, so Cenas eventual heel turn is that much mare effective, but I jist hink its a return tae the booking of old, and its turning me sour tae Cena, a guy who I'd built up a healthy admiration for other past few months. Still admire the cunt like, but if they keep slingin belts at uhm, I'm gonnae switch aff mentally and build a an even healthier amount of disdain for the cunt again. Poor Berty is the best cunt in the match by a mile, but gets forced tae tap oot via yon horrendous STF Cena subjects us tae. Bert attacks Cena afterwards, and Orton hits him wae the WWE Belt, then stauns over him hositing baith belts in the air. End of fuckin story. Pish.
If I says RAW wdda got 6.5 oota 10 if it stopped efter that gorgeous segment involving The Beard, The Best, The Shield and The Wyatts, it crashes tae a 3.5 bronco busters oota 10 efter the plethora of shite we had tae endure in the last hour. RAW is in a funk right now, n that's cause the face of the company is 2 parts bronzer and 3 parts pure slime. Fuck Randy Orton.
Daniel Bryan reacts tae this shanner of a RAW finally coming tae an end....
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