Were the Main Event Mafia ever really a thing this time around anyway? Their main goals were to remove Bully Ray as TNA Champion and to keep the Aces and Eights at bay, two things that shouldn't have ever really happened in the first place. The boys emerge to officially disband, with Sting delivering the 'bad' news. He tells all his brothers that they will be World Champions in the future. Its all very nice, but why is Angle standing there looking fresh as a daisy when he couldn't move a week ago?
Joe gets on the mic next, and pretty much puts Angle and Magnus on notice. He's going to choke them out.
Magnus is next, cheesy nonsense once more. This isn't how English people talk btw. He is horrendous on the mic. I have a spot on my forehead with that's oozing puss with more charisma than he has. He's chasing the gold. Who cares?
Angle next. Why did they all have to speak here? All of them pretty much repeated each other too. Angle speaks about this strange habit he has gotten into where he seems to keep knocking himself out, before Bobby Roode decides enough is enough and tells him to shut up. Now it makes sense. Anything which could lead to more Angle vs Roode matches is a positive thing. They engage in some verbal sparring, before Angle unleashes some vicious rights to Roodes dome. The boys are fixing for a scrap! and they both manage to break through a wall of refs to get at each other again.
We come back from an ad break and Angle is still in the ring. He calls Bobby Roode out. Bobby Rode was just out, where did he go? he comes back and anyway and they start fighting once more. All of this could have been done in less than half the time this promo ate up. Such a mess. Cut this shit out and just let them wrestle.
Angle is almost in the back, when he once again rushes the ring. Three times. Three times now that they've brawled. Why three? why not one big brawl? So many questions. My brain weeps.
Samoa Joe and Magnus came out to help Angle too. His brothers from the group which just disbanded to pursue separate interests.
Confusing. Always confusing. Welcome to Impact.
Before all that, we had Pacman Jones meeting with Ken Anderson for the first time, and Dixie Carter accepts his request for a match with Bully Ray. Tells him to put a hurting on Bully. Bully is a heel Dixie is a heel. Confusing. Always confusing. Welcome to Impact.
Why in the name of Christ is Pacman Jones back? in any capacity? I need a lie down.
Just when I think we might be settling into a wrestling show, Pacman Jones and his friend jump the guardrail and both of them scoop slam Bad Influence. This got a pop from the crowd and I saw a 'Pac Man' sign. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
People have accused me of being harsh on TNA before. Unfairly so. Feel free to defend this stupidity to me. I double dare you.
Garret Bischoff and Knux talking to Anderson. Anderson urges them to "get out". Get out of what? Aces and Eights died the moment D-Von was let go.
Velvet Sky vs Brooke vs ODB
A number one contenders match for the Knockout Title. The only outcome that would make sense wrestling wise is ODB winning, but then its ODB vs Gail Kim again. ODB vs Gail Kim is the Knockouts Division now. Everyone else is tits and ass. And Lei'd Tapa. Bronco Buster on both her opponents by ODB. I think I love her a bit. Velvet actually strings some decent work together against Borrke, but ODB puts that to an end with a big powerslam. Brooke then hits a decent swinging neckbreaker on ODB, followed by a flying elbow. As a match it was a lot better than I was expecting, so after the start we had this was a nice bonus. ODB locks in a half crab on Brooke, before Velvet decides to make it a full grab when she grabbed her other leg. Some chops to the breasticles followed, before ODB has some words with Gail Kim and Lei'd Tapa, who has emerged to keep a beady eye on proceedings. For some reason Gail and Tapa attack everyone, which leads to a stramash between tapa and ODB. Tapa gets the better of it, but it still doesn't make her any less terrible. Gail Kim gets on the mic afterwards and issues an open challenge to any female wrestler outwith TNA. She sounded like a trucker. A camp trucker.
Bully, Garrett and Knux discussing club business. I'm not listening. No.
Dixie Carter screaming at someone on the phone. Remember when this was a wrestling show? nah me neither. Ethan Carter has a chat with his 'auntie' after the phonecall and is told he can pick his opponent for tonight.
Garett Bischoff summons Taz and Bully to the ring. Who else forgot Taz was in the Aces and Eights? Mr Anderson comes out to put a stop to what seemed like it would be a Bully Ray and Garrett Bischoff promo. He is my new hero.
Knux and Garrett both decide to leave the Aces and Eights. The Aces and Eights stopped being a thing about a month ago. Bully tells them they cant leave, because if it goes to a vote, Bully and Taz will vote against it, and any vote which is a tie, Bully makes the final decision on. Why is there a vote? Is this parliament? My poor head. It hurts. Taz tells Bully he's done too. The Aces and Eights are dead.
They aren't though. Its a swerve. Anderson gets on the mic and gets lippy with Bully, so Knux and Bischoff attack him from behind. The whole thing was a ruse to they could attack Anderson. A 12 minute ruse. Why didn't they just attack him? What was the point in any of that? We could have had something like....I don't know A WRESTLING MATCH in its place.
Roode emerges looking confused, screaming about Angle. I don't understand. Why does he think Angle is at the announce desk?
EC3 vs Dewey Barnes
Same jobber from 2 weeks ago. I flat out refuse to review this. Not happening.
Bad Influence bullying Joseph Park backstage, before Eric Young made the save, this was the pre-cursor to the first thing from this weeks show which didn't make me want to tear my eyes oot. Praise be to Bad Infleunce.
Bad Influence vs Eric Young and Joseph Park
Bad Influence kick things off by flouting the rules and double teaming Young. Young gets the upper hand, and hits an inch perfect suicide dive on Daniels, followed by a crossbody on Kaz. Why Bad Influence and Eric Young aren't on every TNA show is beyond me. Some excellent double team work from Bad Infleunce followed. Then Park got in, and had an Appletini thrown in his face, before Kaz gets the win with a sloppy rollup. This was my favourite part of the show by a mile so far and it was far too short, and also just not anywhere near as good as it should have been .
Angle again, good lord. He calls Roode out but Austin Aries emerges instead. Reminding Angle its not Roode hes facing next week, but its A Double himself. Dixie Carter appears, spins a wheel, and that wheel determines that Angle vs Aries next week will be a submission match. That sounds great and all, but why not just book a submission match? why the wheel? I need a lie down. Or some Morphine or something. Roode attacks them both, and all three men are split up by security, referees and hand grenades.
Jeff Hardy vs Chris Sabin (World Title Tournament Match)
This was watchable. Because it was a hardcore match we got some notable spots at least. As surprised as I am to be able to say it, Jeff Hardy is one of the shining lights on Impact recently. The quality of his in ring work has grown exponentially since moving to the midcard, which for me has always been his natural role in wrestling. The word "charismatic" is thrown around a lot regarding Hardy, but wrestling in jeans and throwing your shirt in the crowd isn't charisma. Its John Cena with purple hair and a history of drug problems. Hardy hits a clothesline off the apron, before Sabin hits a beautiful looking move which looked a lot like the twist of fate, landing Hardy on top of a ladder. Sabin and Hardy block each others suplex attempts and Hardy eventually gets the better of Sabin when he hits a backbody drop on top of the ladder. Follows that up with a sick looking trash can shot. Hardy goes out to bring a table in but the leg breaks as he attempts to fold it up, cause that's just what Impact is this week. Broken.
He sources a new table and looks to put Sabin through it, but Sabin counters with a Hurricanrana. Then he hangs Hardy upside down in the corner and pulls his ears back because hes a sadist. Chris Sadist. Nothing could be more painful than having to hear him cut a promo, but that still looked pretty painful. Hardy puts himself through a table when he went high risk and Sabin moved out the way, before Sabin sets Hardy up on the table and went up top himself . He goes for a big splash but Hardy got thr knees up and went through the table anyway. Twist of fate followed before Hardy whipped his shirt off and threw it in the crowd! The finishing move was incredibly impressive if death defying spots are your thing, as Hardy catapulted himself from the tope rope, over the ladder, and landed a beautiful Swanton Bomb for the win.
As hardcore matches go, I was impressed with the main event, but aside from that, Impact was an assault on all the senses this week. I give it 2 chinlocks out of 1000, and now I bathe in my own tears for at least a month to cleanse myself of the horrors I had to witness there.
No comments:
Post a Comment