ICW Fear and Lothian Review

Well isn't Sebasitan Radclaw just delightfully fuckin mental? I must admit, I hadn't the faintest idea who he wis when he was announced as Dr Sean's stand-in on commentary, but as soon as Billy Kirkwood brought him out ye get the impression that he's a few apples short of a lotta apples. He's a few wheels short of having a sufficient number of wheels tae function normally as a human. He's fuckin doo-lally basically.

He gets on the mic and mutters nervously before being spooked by a neckbeard and hiding in the corner, rubbing his foot on to his face. Billy Kirkwood finally coaxes him out with some freshly picked quails eggs and Sebastian informs Billy, and our MC Simon Cassidy that he would feel more comfortable if he could engage with someone in something cried "The Gremlin Dance" For those who don't know whit that is, well ye basically crouch like yer squeezing oot a shite, facing someone across fae ye, and you proceed to shuffle roon in circles making mad noises. It was a fuckin delight. And it set the tone for whit I considered the most enjoyable show I've been to all year.

The Bucky Boys vs Team CK (or wis it?)

It wisnae. James R Kennedy and Kenneth emerge tae some funky new music, and tell us wee Chrissys done himsell a mischief. Kennedy gies Kenneth some harsh patter, and Kenneth grabs the mic and tells him tae fuckin zip it. Could smell a face turn in the works, but before it could reach its conclusion, the newly heel Fight Club boays came struttin oot. Whit a coupla torn faced bastards they are as heels man. Proper stick the nut on ye outside Lauders for throwin up the wrang gang sign typa cunts. Kid Fite fires into a promo about how we're aw cunts, before referring to Mark Dallas as a "ginger bastard" (I'd say hes mare auburn, but that's jist me mate) before somedy in the crowd comes oot wae "you're ginger anaw!" (again...auburn) The whole place erupted in laughter, tae the point that Heel Club couldnae keep their mean faces on any longer n allowed thersells a wry smile. Kid Fite admits that he has nae comeback for that, before calling the culprit a fat cunt and challenging The Bucky Boys tae a scrap.....nae problem.

The Bucky Boys vs Fight Club

I keep expecting tae get sick of this, but it just never happens. These four huv unbelievable chemistry together, and for me are legitimately two of the best tag teams in the world today. They just know whits whit so they dae. The Wee Man gies Heel Club some patter, and also some patter about Davie no bein able tae count tae 3, before the boys get tae work. Fight Club start out strong, wae their usual brand of fast paced, cohesive work. Belter of a snap suplex fae Kid Fite in there. A backstabber at some point fae Liam Thomson tae. Davey winds up isolated and hilariously tries to get the crowd intae it by pumping his first like Hogan. He eventually rallies and The Buckys get tae work. Springboard double dropkick fae Stevie followed, by the reverse cross body, which brought a 2 count, before Davie hit a splash right after for another 2 count. Frenetic stuff as usual. Lambrini gets on the apron and nearly gets a sare face for her troubles, but The Buckys make the save. They pick up a sneaky win, when wee Kenneth completes his face turn by distracting Fight Club long enough for the Buckys tae win wae a double rollup. Smashin opener, some of the crowd interaction was hilarious and the match quality wis cracking as per. We also had a beautiful wee spot which I felt deserved final mention, when the Buckys baith locked in Figure 4 leglocks whilst crying WOOOOO throughout. Only tae see them reversed and Heel Club returning the favour. A lot of wee Flair homages throughout the night so there wis, never a bad thing.

Joe Coffey vs James Scott

I've been going back n forth between this and Mark Coffey vs Noam for MOTN, and I've finally decided tae plank my ample erse firmly on the fence and say its a draw. I cannae split them. This was everything I expected it tae be and perhaps more. A glorious exchange of mat wrestling to start, with the boays reversing various armbars and chinlocks, and sare wee leglocks and aw that gid stuff. A feast for the eyes. Joe Coffey manages to hit Scott with the Cesaro swings for a short while, before turning it into a Half Crab. As is standard with Scott, we get treated to a braw selection of suplexes, with a particularly braw German in the mix. Scott goes up for the double foot stomp but misses, and Joe capitalises to hit this wonderful wee combination he uses, starting with stiff uppercuts forcing his opponent into the corner, followed by a big splash in the corner and then the gutwrench suplex. He often follows it up with the huge spinning lariat tae finish, but he went for the pin after the gutwrench this time and it only got him a 2 count. The match wid have tae just continue then eh! Poor us. We get another eye watering back and forth between the two before Joe eventually does wind up that huge airm of his and clatters wee Jamesys heid right aff. Lights out. The lariat gets the job done again for Joe Coffey. Also worth noting that earlier in the match when James Scott wis shouting fur a 3, n the crowd were coming back wae 2! he then switched it tae him sayin 2! n we aw came back wae 3! cause we're aw mare dense than Ann Widdecombes skants whenever she looks at auld press clippings of John Major.

The two warriors shake hauns and it aw seems tae end amicably, before Joe gets on the mic and puts an end tae the kinda nicey nicey act he's been engaging in recently and goes back tae his scary as fuck roots. He tells us aw how he deserves to be the next in line for a shot at the Title, and then he calls yer Sebastian Radclaw a joke, and bemoans the fact that they put money towards bringing him over rather than fixing the shoogly ring. He invites wee daft Seb intae the ring, and the silly bastard accepts. Making nice disnae work with a man who pledges NO MERCY meht. Joe of course ignores his invitation of friendship and instead decides tae knock the shite out of the poor guy. Fairly certain he locked him intae the Boston crab for ages tae finish the assault, but I didnae take a note of that so that reliant upon my often sketchy memory. Apologies if that's no how it went doon.

Carmel Jacob vs Bete Noire

Proper female wrasslin, nuhin like that watered doon WWE shite yer Uncle drinks. This is the gid stuff. Bete has a bit of an unhinged vibe goin on throughout, tuggin at her hair n lookin deeply troubled by that stoater of a belt shot she took at Fear and Loathing. Carmel is her usual brilliantly unpleasant heel self, gien everycunt the middle finger and engaging in some insult tennis wae yer man in the Lion costume throughout. She's accompanied by Sara, who also gets in amongst Lion man, before being continually tellt she needs a wash. Anyway aye, wrasslin. Fairly even start to the match, before Sara gets involved and gets tore intae Bete on the outside. They make their way intae the crowd when Carmel goes up top and his them wae a crossbody. (again, nae note of this, so im no 100% sure it happened, if its a figment of my imagination I'll be fuckin disappointed, cause the way I remember it is smashin) Back in the ring they get locked intae a tarantula (double Boston Crab) on the ropes. The fact that its a submission hold where baith competitors are touching the ropes at the same time is of no consequence awrite! There wis damage being done meht. Bete continues tae have troubles wae Sara, before she has to block an attempt at the Carmel DDT. It would be that same move that would finally get the job done for Carmel, when she finally hit the Carmel DDT for the 3 count, leaving Bete sare faced n sad. She wis even sarer faced n sadder after Carmel attacks her after the match, but in a fairly bizarre act of kindness considering the fact she had just spent the previous 10 minutes scuddin Betes jaw, Sara tells Carmel that enough if enough, and urges Carmel tae get up the road. After helping Bete to here feet, she pulls her close and whispers "I'm sorry, I love you" before kicking her in the side of the heid. Well she just kicked her actually, but how gid would that wee Ric Flair homage have been? Sara and Carmel re-unite with Carmel congratulating Sara on reverting back tae being a bit of a boot again. Smashin work fae all three here but, I say it in every fuckin review, but it never stops bein true. Carmel Jacob is red hot right now. Promos, matches n everything that goes wae it. She's killing it.

Kay Lee Ray vs Mikey Whiplash

Brutal. Absolutely brutal. But it wis brutality intertwined wae perfect storytelling. With Kay Lee on a crusade to take down a man over double her size. A man with a penchant for throwing her arse first into the crowd at full speed. A man with an ever thirstier penchant for simply knocking the shite oota anyone who chooses to stand against him. Kay Lee made that very choice when she chose tae break away fae Mikeys stable last year. She had to pay for her sins. She had to pay for they fuckin immense top rope Huricanranas she hit on him. It wis time for her tae meet her destiny.
The match started with a succession of tie-ups, when al ended in Whippy flingin Kay Lee aboot like a bag ah washin. Kay Lee correctly decides that trying tae match Whippys strength is a futile exercise and tries tae take away his vertical base (fuckin vertical base patter, like I'm Jim Ross or suhin) via scuddin him in the calves, shins and mibbe even hamstrings wae some vicious kicks. She goes for a tornado DDT and is caught by Whiplash, and he gets her in the same postion he had her in when he launched her into the crowd the last time ICW were at Studio 24. As he rushes to the edge of the ring ready tae launch, she pulls him over the ropes and at least for now the danger is averted. On the outside Kay Lee then fired intae my favourite spot of the year perhaps, the triple suicide dive spot Whippy has made a staple of ICW shows lately. She hit all three wae unerring accuracy, before the action made its way back intae the ring. Whippy tries the Rolling Firemans Carry Slam off the top rope, but Kaylee blocks, and hits him with a kick to the side of the head. Whippy finally gets a firm advantage with some brutal strikes, before hitting a sucession of at least 5 or 6 powerbombs, laying Kay Lee out for probably a 15 count. Poor lassie wis broke in two. But in an act of great valour, and perhaps some suicidal tendencies, referee Eddie Sideburns decides he's seen enough of this heinous display of woman beating and he heads for home. Mikey Whiplash is fuckin irate and gets on the mic tae tell Dallas to get a fuckin ref oot here immediately so he can finish the job. A ref that has NAE qualms wae sporting a shirt that wis back tae front, and he has nae trouble wearing macromated joggies. The bold Yum Yum! he comes oot and makes the count but Kay Lee somehow gets the shooder up and the unbelievably, after a brief stramash, Kay Lee gets Mikey Whiplash up on her shoulder sand hits him with the Rolling Firemans Carry Slam. The pop when she got him up and hit it wis unreal. Amazing so it wis. Kaylee must be 9-10 stone tops, so tae get a man almost double that up on her shoulders n then tae slam him back down wae the accuracy she did wis something special. She finishes the job wae the Swanton Bomb and my oh my, whit a fuckin show we'd been treated so far. No bad for a 'B Show' eh?

Grado vs Dickie Divers

Nah. BT Gunn comes oot and the two of them batter Grado daft only to be thwarted by........

WOLFGANG and Grado vs Dickie Divers and Bt Gunn

Its made intae a tag match after Wolfy makes the save, and the pop his entrance got rivalled the one Grado got. Magic so it wis. Wolfy comes strolling oot wae his newly bleached Dolph Ziggler locks, and I'm no gonnae lie, he looked fuckin fierce meht. The tag match begins wae some hilarious comedy spots. Firstly Grado delivering big boots tae both NAK mmebers whilst pretending tae check his watch in the corner, only for him tae unwittingly boot Wolfy in the jaw in the process. While him and Wolfy attempt to hash the whole situation out, BT and Dickie launch various attempts to attack, only to be thwarted at the last minute by seemingly unintentional, but well timed movements fae Grado n Wolfgang. The boays finally decide tae forgive each other, and Wolfgang urges Grado tae deliver a roll n slice tae the NAK boays slumped in the corner. Wolfy only goes n gies Grado a wee launching pad anaw and the roll n slice does indeed land. Tidy. The match gets intae its stride, and the NAK boays dominate early on and BT delivers a couple of fuckin sickening chops tae Grados chest. Grado tries tae gie him one back, but he's a gentle boay n it kinda looked like he wis tenderly checking BTs chest hair fur nits. Gid on ye for havin a go but Grado meht. We're treated to some shake rattle n roll action, but for most of this match it was the NAK on top. Wolfy disnae even get in until late in the day, and after a spell of dominance fae him which included a Texas Cloverleaf; the NAK once again get back on top and BT Gunn inexplicably cuts some of Wolfgangs freshly sporuted blonde mane n chucks it intae the crowd. Grado musta seen this and went intae a full on, veins poppin oot yer skull rager, cause he reeled oot his most impressive F5 tae date on former 2 time ICW Champion BT Gunn tae seal the win for him and his big pal. Non title wins lead tae title shots boays. Better huv yer eyes on the prize for when the badly defaced belts are on the line next time. Another fuckin stoater of a match, for quality of wrestling and comedy value anaw. This is why I huv this doon as my favourite show of the year, cause there wisnae one person in that place who'd have rather been anywhere else. Just yer diehards. Aw foamin at the baws for the wrasslin.

Joe Hendrys crusade for order in ICW continues

Ach Joe, whit ye like eh ma man. He strolls out and issues a challenge to anyone in the back who fancies taking him on, and gies it the quickest count tae 10 I've heard since my pal done the 1x table in P5 in under 7 seconds. He also informs the crowd that they should ditch aw that sweary nonsense with the "you fucked up!" chants and go with the mare civilised "you made a mistake!" but that's falls on deaf ears anaw. He finally gets the fight he wis fixing for when a man mountain  by the name of Damian O'Connor emerged. Not a millimetre of his body not covered in hair (well ye couldnae see his special places, but ye'd have to assume there's a hairy set of baws in there) and a chest that looked lit two minibuses welded together. The big yin comes oot and gives Joe a wide eyed stare before knocking him clean oot for the quick pin. Sparkled so he wis. Being the valiant warrior that he claims tae be, Joe climbs back to his feet and tells us aw that he wisnae ready. That didnae count. So Damian comes oot again, kinda shakes his heid a wee bit like "fucks this cunt aw aboot?" before getting him up for a move I cannae even remember seeing before, but it wis fuckin brutal. He gets Joe suspended in the air for a good 5 seconds, before slamming him down tae the mat in a Michinoku Driver style. Who knows whit ye call it, but it wis fuckin rerr. Know whit wisnae rerr but? Joe Hendrys spine meht. Battered tae bits. A broken man. Will ICWs newest campaigner for change ever recover?

Mark Coffey vs Noam Dar (ICW Zero G Title Match)

Here's yer other MOTN. This wis almost too good. The difference between this and its fellow MOTN, is that my expectations here were surpassed. Don't get me wrang chief, I thought this would be fantastic, but this good? Nah. Couldnae see it. Wisnae sure if these two were even familiar wae each other in the ring, but talent is always familiar wae talent. As long as yer good, and yer opponent is anaw, we're gonnae get matches worth talking aboot. These two start off with a braw wee exchange of mat wrestling. Hunners of intricate wee armbars, leglocks and various other holds. At one point Mark locks in a surfboard type of move, whilst pulling Noams chin back and right before he locked it in Noam hilarious cried out "aw naw! I know whit hes gonnae dae here" its wee things like that. Wee things that make ye feel part of the show for a fleeting moment. That's whit made this the show of the year for me. The bigger shows recently have been braw btw, don't get me wrong, but with greater exposure comes the greater risk of encounters with fannies. There wis only a fraction of the folk at Fear and Lothian that could be considered fannies, and most of them were probably related through generations of inbreeding or suhin, I dunno I'm away on a tangent noo. Aw ye really need tae know here is that these two put on one of the best matches ye'll have seen aw year. Noam has a succession of near falls. He then looks like hes got Mark wae a rollup, only tae deliberately roll out of it himself intae a submission hold and that proves tae be his key mistake. They battle for a while longer, both coming close tae getting the in, before Mark finally catches Noam wae the Pumphandle Slam and gets the 3 count tae remain the Zero-G champ. A fair fight wae a fair ending between two of the most talented young wrestlers on the scene. For me this match should be shown tae promoters up and doon the UK, along wae the Joe Coffey vs James Scott wan, wae a wee note saying "why the fuck are you no bookin these cunts....aw the time"
Another gentlemanly handshake follows, and this time nae commentators wound up getting their necks snapped in the aftermath so its aw good.
Joe Coffey wis on commentary throughout this match, and I'll no lie tae ye, he looked fuckin terrifyingly intense. I imagine he met all of Billys jokes with an icy stare and the words "Ye hink this is funny? That's ma brerr up there!" but everyone emerges unscathed. Apart fae Noam like, Pumphandle Slams are probably sare so he'll feel that in the morning. (well he wid have if the show wis last night, but this is Tuesday noo so aye.............)

Lionheart and Red Lightning sign new contracts

I'm nae fashion correspondant right, but a coupla things. Firstly, Lionheart rockin the zipper/MJ jacket combo wis pimp as fuck, and secondly...Red Lightings hairband makes him look like a severely hungover, mildly constipated version of Mark Coffey (I mean that as a compliment of course ;) ) Lionhearts portion of this segment disnae match the mild chaos of his Jaiskit situation as he gives us a wee speech about how he should never have left, and how he wants to make amends by putting on hunners of braw matches for the fans. This patter leaves a certain Mr James Scott fuckin fuming, and oot he storms to challenge them both tae a scrap. Lionheart left for nae reason he says, and Reds 'ahm huvin a wean!' excuse can get fucked anaw. There's a table there, Jamesie wand a scrap, we aw have jeans on......lets huv a street fight. Wolfgang emerges to complete The Gold Label line-up before Red finally got on the mic and done that mesmerizing thing he does wae the words. He informs us all that the only reason he became an insufferable arsehole is because one by one, his Gold Label brothers turned on him. It made him bitter. It made him jaded, and it made him a man who knows his worth in the business more importantly, as he looks at the contract on offer, wipes his arse wae it, before launching it wae such force it winds up in the River Tay. He departs by telling Dallas he'll only sign if more of his demands are met, and the whole thing ended rather amicably really. The table was packed away like it was a normal table n everything. Fuckin unreal. Entertaining but remarkably civil wee segment there. Spose it wisnae a contract signing for a match but still, somedy should have been scuddin somedy wae a crowbar or something.

Jack Jester vs Chris Renfrew (ICW Title Match)

Don't care whit anyone tells me mate, this wis a fuckin fight. A straight up fight, pure and simple. It was a fight wae shades of professional wrestling, don't get me wrang, but for the most part this was two men who wanted tae fuckin maim each other and sometimes that's just exactly whit ye need tae see. A bitta brutality. Renfrew gets a hold of Jesters corkscrew early, so Jester reduces a barbed wire bat fae under the ring and decides tae run it along Refrews napper. Somedy get this man a medic! he's loassin claret at a rapid rate here. The match husnae bein goin long, before Renfrew has been dumped over the barriers and the two are battling away in the wee bar area up the back of the venue. Jester hits him wae a scoop slam on the cold hard concrete before using the table up the back as an object for choking. Why the fuck no I suppose eh? Somewhere in this all out way, Renfrews jeans get torn tae fuck and he winds up in the wee pair of tights he had on underneath. He also ends up wae a million skelfs up his arse after Jester set him up on the table he wis choking him wae earlier, and hits the elbow drop aff the bar. The fight makes its way back intae the ring, where Jester decides enough is enough. Oot come the thumbtacks. Both men become acquinated with them at some point, before they meddling NAK cunts come oot tae seemingly gift wrap the ICW Title to their assumed leader, Chris Renfrew. They triple team Jester for a while (kinky) and yer assuming probably Grado and Wolfgang were gonnae emerge tae even the score, but Jack Jester needed NAE hauners. He cleans BT and Divers oot on his own, before hitting the tombstone on the thumbtacks tae complete his first successful defence of the ICW belt. A brutal fuckin war it was anaw. Renfrew wound up missing a gid pair of troosers, and about 3 pints of blood.

Fuckin B Show my arse. For me personally, it just edges Terminator 2 for show of the year. Imagine it had Jimmy Havoc, Solar and Andy Wild on it anaw? And don't even start me aboot Jackie Polo meht, but aye. A cracking time. Actually really enjoyed the venue anaw, for crowd interaction and having a good view of the ring it wis my favourite venue so far. Overall I see nae reason no tae give ICWs first annual Fear and Lothian 9.5 outta 10.

That's Edinburgh been rode good n proper 3 times now, so surely its time tae take ICW back tae the streets. Possil Community Centre, bring yer ain bottle/chair, and make sure ye rewind aw yer cassettes before gien them in tae be played during the interval. Whit the fuck am I even on aboot here? aye smashin. I enjoyed the show, I'm sure you would have anaw if ye were there.

Fuckin ICDUB!