WWE RAW Review 04/11/2013 (by Connie)

I'll dae ye a wee intro eh. So yees don't miss me too much, but this weeks RAW review isnae my words. I asked my good pal Connie tae help me out due to various circumstances meaning I didnae have the time to sit and write it. I trusted her because she's always seen the wrestling the same way as me and she's always been able tae inject passion intae it when she speaks about it. No crawlin up her erse or that, If it wis shite I wouldn't put it up, but it most certainly isnae.

WWE RAW Review 04/11/2013 (by Connie)

Monday nicht Raw, butterflies, spewing and punching hings, the excitements to much tae handle. Live from Greenville, South Carolina. DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO LOOK IN MY EYES WHAT DO YOU SEE, A CULT OF PERSONALITY. The bold CM Punk makes his way to the ring, to open Raw with a match against Luke Harper, wit a lovely wee treat. The Wyatts music hits and all three make their way to the ring. Bray sits on the rocking chair, rocking back and fourth like god or suhin. 

CM Punk v Luke Harper

Punk goes after Harper straight away but a belter of a right hand from the big man takes Punk right aff his feet. Harper then takes it tae Punk in the corner, leathering the guy he then delivers a hard uppercut but Punks just like eh naw and sends the big dafty er the tap rope. Punk goes for a wee suicide dive but instead gets an elby tae the coopin. Sare. Harper fair impressed me. Bet Punk was thinking the exact same. That shiter Ryback has had chance after chance and never got any better in the ring or on the mic. Harpers came on leaps and bounds. I seen folk saying 'how come he deserves this match with Punk. Well there yi have it, the guy has potential, already showing improvements, that's why he got to step in that ring with Punk. Harper gator rolls Punk then whips him intae the corner and Harper goes right over the tap rope to the flare. Punk then connects wi a suicide dive on Harper. After some shitey adverts Harper regained control of the match. Punks kicks oot of a coupla elbows from the big man. But Harper is just a big beast of a man and Punk couldny get control. He finally gets some offence in, a wee tornado DDT. They both start slugging it oot, Punk wins the exchange and takes Harper doon. Punk goes for a springboard, but gets a big boot to the coopin instead. Punk then avoids a clothesline fi Harper and gets a cheeky wee roll up for the 1,2,3.

No a bad wee match atall, a wonderful opener. Aye i'm inty this. See i'll tell yi what I instantly liked about this match, while i'm here ae. It was Punks face, his expression. He looked determined, maybe even relieved. He looked like he just really appreciated having Harper as an opponent and no that total heed the baw Ryback. It was as if Punk was saying, it's er, i'm Punk again and that was braw. I also liked the fact Harper got a chance to show us what he can really dae, and he certainly impressed me. Guys got a promising future. The Wyatts attack Punk after the match but the bold Dbry with his hair in a wee bobble runs to the ring, steel chair in hand, to make the save. Punk and Dbry are best pals. Yass. Punk and Dbry batter the Wyatts, send them packing. Crowd were inty it, I was inty it. A great way to start things aff.

We're telt to get on yon WWE app to vote for who will face Randy Orton later in the night. Ziggler (yassss) Big E(yassss) The Miz(go hame). Vote Zigglypuff everytime.

Wee Renee Young interviews Punk backstage, she well wants to ride him, you can see it in her eyes, filthy midden. Probably the worst promo Punk has ever done, but i'll no haud it against yi pal.

Next up wis a phone interview wi Paul Heyman. Look i'm a Paul Heyman guy through and through, but get this shite cut. Get him on oor telly saying gids words, put wi gid folk, just being gid or dinny bother atall.

We see a wee vidja from earlier. Ryback back tae bullying folk cause he's bitter aboot how wee his boabby is. Rybacks geeing Santino grief and the bold Khalis no having that. Ryback calls them freaks and walks away. Keep walking ya wee tube. So that sets us up for the next match.

Ryback v Great Khali

The thought of this match made we get a funny feeling in ma belly. A bad feeling. See, Ryback canny wrestle and Khali canny walk. Unsafe. Just wasny up for this ataw. Test ae strength first, Khali wins that. Ryback uses speed and gets a chop tae Khalis chest. Khali puts Ryback in the corner and delivers some elbows to his coopin then hits a few hard chops to Rybacks chest. Ryback attempts to grab Khali for Shell Shocked but canny get him up. Yer shite. Ryback gets the win with a Meathook clothesline though. 

Couldny get er they actually let Khali look strong in this match. Ryback son, naebody likes yi. Overall though, it was a complete shiter and hopefully i'll never need to see this match happen ever again.

The Bold Kofi Kingston makes his way to the ring. His opponent. Alberto Del Rio. Folk give ADR a hard time, he continues to have fine matches he just fails miserably to connect as a character and that's such a wee shame. I give wee Kofi grief too, but it's exactly the same for him too. Gid wrastler, nae character. They need tae go hame and have a gid practice in the mirror. 

Kofi Kingston v ADR 

Del rio gets things underway with some aggressive kicks and punches to Kofi. Kofi gets a few shots in but a hard kick from ADR takes him down. Wee Kofi hits a back elbow and clotheslines ADR er the tap rope. Then the bold Kofi launches himsel er the tap rop to take Del Rio doon but he regains control quickly and turns his attentions to Kofis airm. Del Rio hits an absolutely beautiful German Suplex. Am German Suplex daft so that was lovely tae see. Yer awright, Del Rio. Only gets a 2 count though. ADR starts ripping the pish oot Kofi mocking him before running at him to deliver a wee kick to the airm. Del Rio connects wi a Snap Suplex. Aner near fall. Credit where credits due wee Kofi keeps coming back but Del Rio kept knocking him right back doon again. Kofi connects with a few braw high flying moves and gets a 2 count. But the bold Del Rio gets the Cross Armbreaker locked in and gets the submission win.

Acht. I dunno.Wrestling wise these twa are spectacular. It's just everyhin else. A real pitty.

Next out is Randy Orton, the minute 'I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD' belts oot yi hear aw the daft middled aged wummin in the audience screaming, poking themselves aff and aw sorts. Tae me Ortons just a guy wi nae eyes. Nane. HOW CAN YOU SEE? He's shite. He prounces everythin 15 seconds longer than they should be and cries that a promo. He gets on the mic and tries to be Rick Rude. Orton let me tell yi suhin. You are NOT Rick Rude. You are not worthy enough to even try his gimmick out so just you setttle doon. Yes, Orton is a physhical specimen who comes across like a right prick the guy who shags yer burd and aw the braw lassies want him and you are just some bloke wi a fat gut who wishes yi were him. Aye, that works BUT there was just someone who did it far better than he ever could and that just ruins it, doesny work for me. You are NOT Rick Rude, you areny ravishing. Rude had eyes. Get eyes

.

Its's then revealed that Big E has the won the vote. I was chuffed cause I get to swatch his cracking tits. Some chest oan him. I'm instantly grinding ma chest ae drawers hinking i'm Beyonce, wit a tune that boay has.

Randy Orton v Big E Langston

Big E gains control of the match pretty quickly after some hard shots to Ortons dome and mid section but yon Orton hits a dropkick oot of naewhaur to regain control. Bolt. Langston counters a Carmel DDT with a cheeky wee back drop. Then Big E sends Orton inty a barricade. Langston attempts a spear aff the apron but Orton moves and Big E hits the flare. Big E rams his shooder into Orton in the corner then starts wae a flurry of offence. Yer some man Big E. Orton connects wi the Carmel DDT and prepares to RKO Big E. Langston manages to couner this and looks to be gawn for the Big Ending, a was gawn daft, taps aff, jumping up and doon. Big E pinning the WWE champ would just be the best hing. The bestest. But naw, as per my dreams are shat on and Orton counters it wi an RKO. 1,2,3.

Am no caring wit anywan says, Orton may have got the win but Big E came out of that match looking strong as fuck. He put Orton to shame in my eyes. I'm honestly Big E daft and tae tell you the truth I never, ever thought that would be the case. But the guys riddled with charisma, a right funny, intelligent man and for a big guy like himself he can fair go in the ring, it's still early days yet for him, but the guys gonnae be a star, I promise yi.

Fandango and Summer rae make their way to the ring. Summer Rae legs are ootae this world, I wanty lick honey aff them. Mere hen. Their opponents are none other than the beautiful Nattie and her er half, the returning Tyson Kidd. 

Fandango and Summer Rae v Natalya and Tyson Kidd.

Fandango and Tyson stert things aff with Fandango taking control of things early. Kidd hits a coupla kicks and Fandango runs and tags Summer in. Nattie tags in and they baith stert calling each other hings like 'ya wee trampy cow' 'bucket fanny' 'fugly slut' aw that lassie patter. Nattie tried for a sherpshooter but is unsuccessful, aw hen. Fandango and Kidd come back in and Kidd gets some high energy offence in. Summer provides a distraction and Fandango hits Kidd fae behind. Cheeky. Kidd catches Fandango coming aff the tap rope and locks in the Sherpshooter for the win. No bad. 

I like this feud, has aw the potential in the world because all four are massively talented wrestlers. Dinny fuck this up. Something that annoyed me though, annoyed me greatly, was when they announced that Tyson Kidd was the number one trend on twitter and this was thanks to Total Divas. Think it was Cole that came out with that patter. Away and shite. Yes of course it was Total Divas and not actually because he is a good wrestler. Pish.

Damien Sandow gives a wee interview aboot coming up short in his match with the bold Cena. Then the mighty Zeb Colter walks er with Cesaro and Swagger and they talk about their match with Cena and the Rhodes brers later tonight. Cesaro and Swagger are boayzies eh? Love a wee cairry on, their always having a laugh. Pals. Gid pals.

The bold Cena is out in the ring to cut a promo. Cena is still continuing to be a bit more how can I put it? Thuggish? Aye that'll dae. He talks about there being breast cancer survivors in the audience. I hate this. I canny feel gid about it when I know only a portion of the proceeds from the pink merch goes to charity. It's not on profiting from cancer. Not on atall. But hings are awright cause Cody and Goldust then make their way to the ring. Gid brers.

John Cena and The Rhodes Brers v Damien Sandow and The Real Americans.

The bold Sandow and Cena start things aff. Cody and Swagger get the tag after a wee bit. And then Goldust is in with a dropkick. Then Cesaro and Cena square aff. Cesaro shoves Cena inty the corner. They then lock haunds for a wee test of strength. Cena is aboot tae win but Cesaro kicks him in the gut. See in real life, reality? Cesaro could lift 10,000 hooses so dinny start wae yer Cena is stronger pish. Cesaro is the strongest man on this planet. Goldust comes in and delivers a double suplex to Cesaro with Cena. Codys in noo and Cesaro tags in Sandow. Then theirs a break so i'm no really sure wit happens but once we return afterwards we see Cesaro nail Cena wae a fucking huge uppercut. Daft for uppercuts so'n a am. Braw. The heels batter Cena for a wee bit. The bold Zeb and Del Rio are on commentary by the way, been geeing each other insults throughout the match. Del Rio couldny be a bigger cliche if he tried. Cesaros battering Cena but then Cena hits a huricanrana, the crowd go daft for this, settle doon. Sandows in and gets right tae battering Cena so he canny tag anywan in. Goldust gets the hot tag though and hits Cesaro wi a few offensive moves. Goldust, yer some man.Mark for him everytime. Then, as per wae 6 man tag matches aw hell breks loose. Everywans in the ring gawn daft. But eventually Goldust is alone in the ring wi ma main man Cesaro. Cesaro grabs Goldust and hits the Cesaro Swing. Braw. Cena sends Cesaro into Zeb at ringside. Nae need for that Cena. Nae need ataw. In the end Goldust pins Cesaro for the 1,2,3.

I've nothing but postives to say about this match, probably my favourite six man tag of 2013. Every man put on a spectacular perfomance. The match was never boring, not once. There was always suhin braw happening, the kinda match where yi couldny blink cause you'd miss suhin. Thouroughly enjoyed it. Only thing I wasny chuffed aboot was Sandow. He was forced tae job for almost aw of his run with the Money in the Bank briefcase, then just failed in his bid to get the belt when he cashed it in. Noo he's working matches opposite Cena just tae stay relevant and aw Cena is daen is beating him and staying focused on Del Rio, who would seem is the 'real threat'.

We hear Vickie telling Trips that Big Show is here. Trips says some things but honestly it was the worst acting I have ever heard in my life. Steph comes in and says the board of directors has demanded that they settle the case with Big Show. Trips sends Vickie to get Big Show. Yawn, a dinny care. Yeez are aw shite at acting.

Axel comes oot, i'm dancing aboot the place cause his tunes a tune then I'M HERE TO SHOW THE WORLD! YASSSSSS. Zigglers booked. Yass. That was me fleeing aboot the place like i'd taen 40 eccies. Screaming naebody sells a move like Ziggler. Cause they dinny. Was fair chuffed to see Ziggler more so his erse. His erse is cracking. The best erse I have ever seen.

 

Curtis Axel v Ziggler

They lock up. The stale bit of breed that is Axel breaks a chain of counters with a hard right hand to Zigglers coopin. Axel then pulls Ziggler aff the ropes for a hard faw on Zigglers pare wee back. Axel then connects wi a dropkick for a near fall. Axel keeps Ziggler grounded for a wee bit but Zigglypuff fights back and hits wae some of his signature offense to get the crowd buzzing, me buzzing, the whole wide world buzzing. Ziggler then connects wae a fameasser, YASSSS, awcht it wasny enough. But then the bold Ziggler nails a zig zag and pins the IC champ. YASS. 

Was a no bad match, Ziggler can make anyone relevant and he was on top form. He done a cheeky wee smile after the match which tae me was him saying here, am back in the game, nae mare punishment for Dolph. I canny wait to see where this goes. I'm hoping that Ziggler will get a huge push which in the end will result in him in some way facing HBK at wrastlemania. A lassie can dream.

Dbry is interviewed by wee Renee Young and talks aboot being attacked by the Wyatts.

The Usos are oot next. Then there's a wee break then once we return we see Trips and Steph in the office, Vickie comes in geeing it the whole Big Show wants tae meet yi in the ring patter. Shite.

The Usos v Drew Mcintyre and Heath Slater

Jimmy and Drew stert hings aff, Drew takes the early lead. Slater then tags in, connects with a double slingshot suplex and a near fall. Slater takes oot both Usos but dives aff the ropes into a superkick then takes a Superfly Splash geeing yon Usos the win.

Everytime I see the bold Drew I hope and even pray a wee bit that this will be the night he leaves 3MB, I don't care how he does all I know is I want him to, I need him to. Just riddled wae potential, get him pushed!

Next we see the Bellas and Eva Marie make their way to the ring set to take on Aj Lee, Aksana and Tamina Snuka. Fuck sake. I just dunno. I heedbutted the wall ten times because heed butting the wall ten times is more appealing than this match could ever be. Nothing against Aj and Tamina because they both can actually wrestle, Aksana is a muscular goddess, a total ride if yi must, but I just canny find anything that positive to say on her in ring ability, shes' ok, that's about it. The Bellas though, why do they have a job? This baffles me on a daily basis. Eva Marie is a cow. The absolute cow of a lassie in yer year at high school that thinks she's the ticket. Got news for yi Eva hen, yer shite, beyond shite.

The Bellas and Eva Marie v Aj Lee, Tamina Snuka and Aksana.

Nikki(the shite yin) and Tamina start things aff with a coupla counters then the bold Tamina hits a Samoan Drop for a near fall, oan yersel Tamina, hen. Aksana gets in the ring for a quick bit of offence, wee Aj does anaw, but Tamina gets back in to knock Nikki aboot left, richt and centre. Nikki delivers a sunset flip which gets a two count. Nikki tags in Brie who somehow manages to take out all three of her opponents. Yer still shite. She then hits a missile drop kick from the middle rope for a near fall. Steady Brie. Tamina is right back up and hits Bries coopin wae a big boot. Tamina goes up top but Brie avoids a Superfly Splash and then, yer no gonnae believe this, Eva Marie tags herself in and rolls up Tamina for the win.

Eva hen see if this was real life Tamina could batter yi using only her left erse cheek so away and learn tae wrestle ya jobby. Shite match. Dinny care. Next.

Next Trips and Steph make their way to the ring. I want them to make a porno and let me direct it. Imagine how gid that porno would be. Dressed as kings and queen and other hings. Anyways, the Big Shite makes his way oot. Show yi used to be awright, mind when yi came oot the grund? Mind when yer hair was long and luscious? Mind when you and Lesnar had the most amazing stretcher match my eyes have ever seen? Now yer just a big dunder heed who's stole Dbrys spot. Am no happy wae yi. Trips cuts the shite here and asks Show, 'Here, much cash yi wanting' Show's like 'nane, it's no aboot the cash, 'a just was ma joab back'. Stephs lit aht 'aye, awright you’ve got yer joab back'. Then Sierra, Hotel, India, Echo, Lima, Delta. Shield. The boayzies make their way oot. Ambrose wee pierced ear is just my favourite hing in the world. Big Shows aw raging n that. The Shield are at ringside. Show says he wants a title shot at Survivor Series. Yi can away and shite that's Dbrys match! Wit yi daen. Trips is like 'yer lucky tae have yer joab back and yi should get oot ma ring' Show threatens the lawsuit just wan mare time and Trips is lit aht 'aye, awright, you've got yer match'. Trips then tells Show he's gonnae be in a handicap match, next, against the Shield AND Orton, this was five past, I was aw excited, five past and yer cramming in aw this excitement. 

Big Shite v The Shield and Randy Orton

Show hauds his ain for a wee meenute, but there was hee haw he could do, and the four men leather him rotten. Show manages to fight aff the four guys, but then the bold Kane comes oot wearing a...suit. It broke my hert, my eyes and my soul. Never in my life did I imagine i'd see the big red machine wearing a suit. But it wasny nice. Orton used the distraction to deliver the RKO to Show. He tells Kane tae gee him a chair and Kane does it, the wee prick. The refs calling for the bell, gawn daft. The show ends with Orton standing tall looking aw chuffed wi himsel. 

Wasny thrilled with the ending because Dbrys been chucked tae the side for Big Show. Shows had his time, it's wee Dbrys turn. AND Big Show nicked Dbrys Yes chant, away and get yer ain chant ya thief! We'll see how this goes, but Orton bores me shitless. He just isny gid. I used to think he was amazing back when he was a rookie, said he'd be massive yin day, and I was right. I wish I wasny. 

So, it wasny the best Raw, nae where near as gid as lasts week. Punk v Harper was probably the highlight of Raw for me, a lovely wee match and a lovely wee opener. Gonnae dae a Bret Hart here and give the show a 4 outta 10. Purely becayse the Eva Marie victory is unforgivable. Infact, i'll gee it a 5 just cause i'm no a basturt.