Anyway aye. Trips is gibberin on about how we'll definitely huv a new champ wae his besto HBK reffing the match at Hell In A Cell. Big Show interrupts by appearing on the big screen via satellite which made pure heaps of sense cause that's whit happens the week after ye get sacked usually. We send ye aw the cameras while ye hing aboot near a wall. He tells Triple H he's lookin feart, and the source of that fear is Show suing him for the money left on his contract AND he's gonnae sue him for hunners of other things. Fuck knows whit. Is it cause Triple H needs an extra seat on the plane for that fuckin beak he's got on him? either way, Steph counts doon fae 5 while Show is rantin away and they cut him aff. Triple H ends the wee segment by gaun "MORE LIKE PAUL SHITE! hahaha, here's Dean Ambrose" Now don't quote me on this troops, but I'm at least 80% sure he pointed doon the aisle when he introduced Ambrose, but Dean n the boys enter through the crowd ya silly! Why is he even bringing him oot I hear ye ask? well that's cause the opening match on RAW this week would be...
Daniel Bryan vs Dean Ambrose
I know eh? what have we done tae deserve this. Bryan comes oot when Trips calls for Ambrose cause he's jist a cheeky wee so n so. Aw mate, this match wis so rerr n braw, ye'll be tellin yer grandweans aboot it in years tae come. I'll tell mine how I went tae bed every night dreamin of these two huvin a 60 minute Iron Man match and it being the maist perfect thing of aw the things, and we'll aw just be tellin stories. Stories are gid. If I ever dae huv weans I'm gonnae show them auld tapes of Austin n kid on that wis me. I've just grew a longer beard n packed on some beef since retirement. Lost the Texas accent cause I met a braw wee Scottish burd when I was err on tour and we moved here. Aw man, imagine yer wean thought you were Stone Cold Steve Austin even for a wee while. I'm no much of a liar, but that wid be blissful.
Fuckin tangents eh? Whit they like. WRASSLIN.
So we get a quick exchange of chops from these two early on and that's when ye ken the match is too legit tae quit. Then a wee move from Bryan I wis heavy intae for some reason. He has a wee armbar locked in on the ground, but he pulls Ambroses arm down wae his foot and pins both shoulders down for a quick 2 count. It wis a quirky wee move and I like quirky meht.
Bryan goes up for the flying heidbutt but Deano rolls oot so Bryan hits a baseball slide instead. On the outside Ambrose nearly takes his heid clean aff wae a clothesline cause Ambrose executes everything wae unerring perfection. This is why I see amazing matches comin fae these two, cause they just fit. Their styles urnae similar, but they have a breathtaking chemistry so they dae.
Some open hand strikes fae Bryan wis followed by a missile dropkick and then he locked in the Surfboard, which for some reason Lawler nearly had a fuckin heart attack aboot. Meht he does it every fuckin week, wake up.
Bryan goes up top again, but Ambrose jabs him and he lands baws first on the ropes. Ambrose then hits a double armed suplex hing aff the top rope. They both flying forearm each other anaw, at the same time which leads tae them both falling doon. That'll happen in that scenario, nuhin tae worry aboot. Bryan follows that up wae a missile dropkick in the corner, then that top rope Hurricanrana. Thats gets a two count, and the landing musta stirred up Deans spinebuster juices, cause he delivers an inch perfect Spinebuster soon after. Its like Batista one, but if it wis done properly.
Bryan goes for that kick combination he does, where its about 200 chest kicks, then the big roundhouse tae finish, but Ambrose ducks the roundhouse, goes for a rollup, and Bryan reverses that intae the Yes! lock. Ambrose taps and that's that. A fuckin baw tingling beautiful way tae kick off RAW.
From a missed roundhouse, tae ROADHOUSE. Or suhin, I really dunno where I'm gaun wae that. CM Punk is oot next tae cut a brief promo and he talks about how he's gonnae incapacitate Ryback before he leathers Heyman. That's ripe for a roadhouse reference eh?
Three men will walk in tae Hell In A Cell, and one will walk out. The best in the world (that's Punk btw, he's referring to himself) Its a brief wee promo but it makes me care about that match a wee bit so no too bad.
Santino vs Heath Slater
Nope. Santino, Khali and Hornswoggle aw dressed as Elvis. Naw. Santino winning after Heath jumps aff the top rope and gets hit by the Cobra wae an Elvis hairdo attatched tae it? naw. A sock wae a wig. Least Foleys sock wis manky and he used it tae choke people. He then goes over tae the announce desk and caws Lawler the real 'King' before he dances on the announce table. Table breaks, Lawlers troosers tear open and Micke James faws oot. Welcome back Mickie hen! Lawler usually likes them a bit younger, so ye must dae some mad tongue shit or suhin eh? bet ye dae.
There wis an HBK, Trips n Steph promo before that but I cannae really mind it and I'm no re-watching RAW this week, so I'll tell ye whit I dae remember. HBK bein right cheeky, but re-assuring at the same time. Cheeky re-assurance is the best sort. Steph disnae know how Show appeared on the titantron. That's a mystery tae us aw Steph hen, so don't you worry aboot it. We'll fun oot.
Randy Orton vs Dolph Ziggler
Orton has a dangerous lookin T-Bone eh. I don't mean he likes tae eat massive steaks that could choke him tae death or that, I mean his T-bone suplex is a fuckin shanner. Either way this match wis braw as fuck. Orton is always dominant but Dolph has some smashin moments. Goes for the Carmel DDT on the apron but Dolph blocks it. Dolph hits the big splash in the corner followed by a hunner jabs, then goes for the Zig Zag but that wis blocked. Orton eventually does hit the Carmel DDT in the ring, before going for the RKO but Dolph counters wae a HUGE dropkick and that gets him a cheeky 2 count. Orton is unhappy wae the cheekiness so he brings this braw wee 8-10 minute encounter tae its finish wae the RKO. Gid stuff so it wis. Dolph wis always losing here, but he looked right gid in the process. Sold the RKO beautifully. We need a medic fur this man.
Tamina and AJ vs The Bellas
Eh aye. I remember the finish but the only other notes I have for this is "Tamina is lovely, I'd like her tae heider me" I dunno why. I hink it wid be a fun time. Anyway aye, Tamina spent most of this knocking the shite oot the Bellas, before she takes a hit on AJs behalf at the end, seemingly affording AJ the chance tae roll Brie up for the pin, but Brie rolls oot and hits yon facebuster tae pin the Divas champ for the second week running. Aw naw min. She's taking the belt eh. Sake.
Listen but Tamina hen, if yer intae heiderin folk, I'll be at the fitba later, so ye ken where tae find me.
Wee bitta Heyman backstage. Huvin a right auld ramble tae Renee Young while his square diddied Ryback and Curtis Axel looked on. Heyman is like Lava, and he's gonnae destroy aw the villagers AND their motors. I dunno if Punk is a villager, or if he has a drivers license but it feels aimed at him. Know whit...I think it wis aimed at him.
Big E Langston ends the promo by challenging Ryback n Axel tae a handicap match cause he's the da and he disnae gie a flyin fuck.
Luke Harper and Erick Rowan vs The Miz and Kofi Kingston
Jabber entrance for The Miz. Awesome.
Match wis awrite actually. I enjoy Brays big pals. Harper in particular has skills meht.
Harper irish whips his ain tag partner right in tae Miz, before he stumbles oot the corner straight intae a big boot fae Harper. Kofi gets some braw kicks in before hitting Rowan wae a nice bitta rana action. Two Hurricanranas in one RAW, we're awfa lucky. Hits a twisting crossbody anaw, but its only a two count. Then he hits trouble in paradise on Rowan while he's staunin lookin glaikit on the apron but he Kofi turns roon and gets a huge lariat aff Harper, gien the Wyatt lads the win. That's the end of that eh. It isnae the end for The Miz though. Harper and Rowan tie him up in the ropes, and that gies Bray a static target tae aim his braw words at.
Bray enters the ring, and he tells The Miz that he knows him. He knows likes plain margarine on his pieces and not real butter. He isnae there to convince The Miz hell is real, and then his voice changed in the maist demonic emotive way possible. Bray Wyatt is the top boy. Follow the buzzards.
Ryback and Axel vs Big E and Punk
Big E and the bawbags roll aboot for a few minutes before Vickie comes oot, shoogles her big rump and makes it a tag match. Cunts need tae fuckin stop robbing Teddy Longs patter man. Aye it comes aboot cause Heyman is daft enough tae strike Big E wae a Kendo Stick, so Punk comes oot wae a Kendo Stick of his ain and gies oot heavy gid hauners. Some man so ye urr Punk.
Puks struggling in the match and Heyman offers him a tag. Hilarious stuff. "TAG ME PUNK! I CAN HELP YOU!" Punk declines, probably thinking tomfoolery wis afoot.
Big E tosses Axel aboot lit wet washin before hitting the Big Ending tae seal the win for the boays. Lovely stuff. Ye better come up off that IC Strap Axel san, that's fur Big E.
The Real Americans vs Tonnes Of Funk
I ken its a wee bit sare seein him dance aboot like a nugget, but big Albert is on 300k a year so dinnae feel too bad for him. He gets tae be a wrassler and have nice things. This match wis awrite. Basically a squash, as Cesaro dominates. Nae beautralizer (that's right, I'm callin it that noo, cause its fuckin beautiful) this time, but plenty of uppercuts and other brawness, including a wee bum drop, where he ...well...drapped doon on Broadus bum first. Then he does the fuckin swings on Broadus for a while. Which is an incredible feat considering the cunt is aboot 400 pun of deid weight. Swagger gets the win wae the Anklelock.
Zeb gets on the mic afterwards and produces a bull whip. He is gonnae whip the tiny bull. Looks like a Los Matafandans vs Real Americans feud eh? Cesaro might be able tae make me give a flyin fuck about that, so we'll see. Zeb and the wee bull is also potentially a fun time, if ye like frolics. And fun. And Shenanigans.
The Shield vs The Usos (Number One Contenders Match for the Tag Belts)
They're both due title shots cause The Usos were Number 1 contenders, and The Shield have a rematch so I says they should just have a triple threat match, and when Goldy n Cody came oot tae commentate here I kent madness was afoot. The match itself was braw of course, wae one of Usos hittin a huge diving crossbody on Rollins at the start. Reigns then gets tae leathering his wee cousins. Wee uppercut and a snapmare fae Jimmy or Jey. I enjoy a gid snapmare these days.
Jimmy or Jey hits a nice crossbody, then a wee superkick tae the belly. Reigns dwells in the corner after that, but he EXPLODES oot that corner wae a huge clothesline. Uso number one sees this and decides tae one up his cousin by throwin Rollins 10 feet in the air, then catching him wae a Samoan Drop on the way doon. Then its fightin time! Aw the boayzies wind up on the outside and massive rammy ensues. Carnage. Bodies hittin the flare left, right and centre. Everyone winds up in the ring but Then Usos and the Rhodezies clean oot Then Shield. Know why?
Blood is thicker than justice meht.
Triple threat tag match is announced for HIAC. Throw ladders in there please. That's aw I've ever wanted.
Contract signing between Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton for their WWE Title match at HIAC. Overseen by Hunter, Steph and Shawn Michaels. Although I suppose we technically aw overseen it eh, since we were watching it.
It all went off without a hitch. Everyone signed, shook hands and went home.
NAH IM HAVIN YE ON! LOLOLOLOLOL
Orton gies Bryan some shite patter, before Bryan dingies that and tears Triple H a new wan. Triple H is gien it patter about bow he's no good enough, and Daniel's aw "I'll show ye im good enough in a wrasslin match!" but Trips is like "naw wee man, I work wae big dawgs only, HBK shouldnae have even wasted his time training ye ya wee monkey" and HBK is like "wait a minute here!" Disnae like that patter neer he disnae. Totally disagrees wae his buddy and instead asks him why he looks so feart? Is it cause Daniel Bryan is the main man? is it cause he's mare over than Trips ever wis? Probably a combination of the two. Orton interrupts that brawness wae a fuckin awful, wee scripted monologue about how Bryan cannae beat him. Intuition really should have tellt him tae patch it eh? It obviously didnae fit in wae how the promo had gone tae that point. If that wis Punk he'd have come up wae suhin much better on the fuckin spot, but never mind eh. Big Show invades the arena in a huge truck so that took wur mins aff Ortons awful words. That distraction leads tae Bryan hitting the flying knee on Orton and we aw hoped HBK wis gonnae superkick Trips next eh? didnae happen but, calm yer fuckin jets. Bryan instead gets the YES! chants goin, before climbing on Shows truck and daein some more Yessin. Big Show joins in tae. Fun fur aw the boayzies.
RAW wis braw. Ambrose v Bryan wis perfect, Dolph n Orton wis gid. Hunners of tag matches. Solid promo work tae open and close the show. Cesaro. Punk. Big E being the da. Bray Wyatt saying things. Only thing I wisnae intae wis the Santino n Lawler hing. The rest wis braw. Coupla Cena VTs anaw, cause on Sunday, the champ is THERE.
8.5 Crossface Chickenwings oota 10. Widda been 9 but I didnae see Natalya. Nae RAW can go above 8.5 withoot ma Nattie.
Erick Rowan drawing fur a giggle...
No comments:
Post a Comment