Aw dear. What the fuck have I got myself intae here. The show begins with the archbishop of greasy as fuck mullets Todd Pettingill excitedly talking about fuck all. Phone yer local cable company if ye want tae see the show folks. Cause its 1995, and the hoose phone isnae obsolete. I'm freakin oot here.
After some build up chat which was maybe 2% about wrestling, and 98% shite about celebrities. Pretty much like any other Mania but its mildly irritating aw the same. Having looked at the card, I forgive them for no really wanting to sell this mania based on the quality of wrestling in store, because to put it kindly...it looked fuckin shite. Heres hoping its no shite though eh! Although having seen it before a couple of times, If my vague recollections are correct, its quite shite. On a scale of 1 tae shite, its about a 7. So seven shites.
Jacob and Eli Blu vs British Bulldog and Lex Luger
Match isnae worth describng really. A snoozefest, but Jacob and Eli Blu were managed by a spritely lookin Zeb Colter, so that was quite cool tae see. The best bit of this was his wee promo wae Jim Ross on his way back up the aisle, after his boys got their arsed handed to them aff the Anglo American Steroid Collective. Bulldog and Luger win. Jacob and Eli went on to form an equally shite, but far less hairy tag team when they became the DOA a few years later.
Razor Ramon vs Jeff Jarrett
I was Razor daft as a bairn. Much of my recent life as a wrestling fan has been spent dreading hearing that he's drunk himself to death, so its gid news that Scott Hall is in better health. Taking that positivity intae watching this, I actually fair enjoyed it. Initially I really enjoyed the fact that Razor was accompanied to the ring by X-Pac in a kimono. Jeff Jarrett was managed by The Road Dogg in a backwards cap anaw, cause mirrors only existed as a potential Justin Timberlake solo single back then. The twilight zone was brought to a close, when Razor looked like he was about to hit the Razors Edge, only for The Road Dogg in aw his sleekit wisdom to jump in and get Jarrett DQ'd. Razor wins via DQ, Jarrett keeps the belt.
Undertaker vs King Kong Bundy
Undertaker wins. Its Wrestlefuckinmania. He always wins. Bundy and Ted DiBiase run away with the Urn but, cause this is a rivalry that 1995 really needed tae see more of.
Owen Hart and Yokozuna vs The Smoking Gunns
I was a wee touch sad when Owen came oot. Pure fuckin talent, taken from us cause of a daft stunt he didnae even want to do. Yokozuna is revealed as his mystery tag partner, and I got even sadder cause he's deid tae, but hey, when Billy Gunn stoats doon wae the most hilarious of porno tashes, ye realise its no aw bad. Owen and Yokozuna win, and take the tag belts in the process. Yee-fuckin ha or suhin.
Bob Backlund vs Bret Hart (I quit match)
Ye awrite? I feel like ye might be gettin a bit bored here. Me tae mate. We've aw lost a bit of interest in this project I feel but listen, I'm willing to press on if you are ma love.
Backlunds a legit nutjob, and the match is no too bad. Roddy Piper is the special guest ref, and he asks if Backlund wants to quit 266 times. On the 267th, he says aye. Hart wins.
Diesel vs HBK (WWF Title Match)
Classic case of Pamela Anderson switching wrestlers man, its just that classic scenario know whit I mean? seen it so many times in wrestling. Daft Pamela Anderson stickin her nose in where its no wanted. She was supposed to accompany HBK, but she just switched sides on him like that.
Pretty certain this is what led tae HBK losing, well that and the fact that he had Diesel pinned for about 5 minutes while the ref was away gettin a cheeseburger. Diesel eventually won with a hilariously botched jacknife. Match was actually no bad aside from that.
Lawrence Taylor vs Bam Bam Bigelow
This is my pet hate in wrestling. I mean theres a place for celebrity guests if its the betterment of the business, but is having Bam Bam Bigelow job tae an American Football player helping legitimise wrestling? is it fuck. Purely designed so cunts that know who he is buy the ppv. Pile of utter fuckin shite. Lawrence Taylor wins with a fuckin forearm aff the second rope, cause thats the kind of move that usually beats 300 pound monsters. Fuckin get tae fuck.
So what have we learned from this wee project troops? A few things. X-Pac can pull off a Kimono/Joggie bottoms combo, aw mullets are manky lookin, and 1995 was a dark time for wrestling.
God bless us...every one. x
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