Raw Review - 11/06/2013

Oh goody! Not only did Raw open with Triple H, it opened with Triple H with HIS GEAR OAN. Delivering on his promise to exact revenge on yer Curtis Axel for, eh...being there when Triple H was stumbling about pretending to be steamin a couple of weeks prior. Triple H entered the ring without his customary sledgehammer, instead this time sporting a shovel, to dig a Curtis Axel shaped hole.

Our fears were realised in a more unique way though, as Vin-O-Mac's music filtered through the arena, with the boss making a beeline for the ring announcer, instructing him to declare Curtis Axel the winner via DQ. Ye see auld Vinny boy EXPLICITLY told "Paul" he would not be wrestling Curtis Axel this week, and moved quickly to stop the match, only for Paulie to impose his own power to RE-START the match, but it lasted barely 30 seconds before Vince stopped it again, fuck knows why, I dont understand this shtick at all. Mr Levesque then started it once more, declaring it a "60 minute Iron-Man match, and if anyone stops it they've got knits!"  So we had a 60 minute Iron-Man match which Trips won 115-4. I jest, actually if we're keeping score, Axel beat him twice and still looked like a sleekit wee naecunt which just isnt fair. God forbid we put a talented wrestler in a situation where he might be able to get over because of his talent eh.

Dean Ambrose vs Kane

Next up was the perfect antidote for that farcical pish, as my not so secret mancrush Dean Ambrose took on Kane. Whilst this isn't the member of Team Hell Yes I wanted to see him face, it was still entertaining enough. Ambrose has an eerie air about him, and it makes for captivating in ring work, seemingly no matter who he faces. An entertaining bout but unfortunately it ended in a nonsensical brawl, with The Shield attacking Kane for seemingly no reason, Orton and Bryan saved the day and that was that. Good match, shite finish. AKA The Usual.

Wooooo! next up its Miz time! You hear that pop? naw me neither.

The Miz vs Cody Rhodes

Former WWE Champion turned pre-show warmup act takes on perhaps the most under utilised wrestler on the roster (not from Switzerland anyway) We basically got 3 minutes of shite before Cody was made to tap to that abomination of a figure four. Fuckin boak. Heyman was on hand to at least ensure that it wasnt time totally wasted, as he announced Curtis Axel would be replacing the injured Fandango, in the Triple Threat Match at Payback for the IC Belt. Would make a lot of sense for him to take the belt that might not be prestigious at all if it wasn't for his old man, but its mibbe a bit soon for a shot at it. Take the Miz out of that equation and it has the potential to be a cracking match with Barrett, but the last Triple Threat Miz was involved in was actually a great match (Barrett v Jericho v Miz), so heres hoping its a good un. Barrett should retain but I fear The Miz will win, and shock/annoy everycunt

Then we got a full length reminder of the whole Triple H/Vince saga, because our attention spans are so broken by addiction to technology(aka porn) and energy drinks that we've forgotten everything that happened less than a fuckin hour ago. I dont even know what I'm writing about, am I still at ICW? did Jimmy Havoc just squeeze a lemon into Chris Renfrews open wound?

Nah apparently its still RAW, or to be precise RAW is JERICHO. Nothing like a wee Jericho promo to cheer ye up after a fairly shite first hour of RAW eh. Jericho ensured us during a decent wee solo promo that he would give us his "best" at Payback, but he never gives us anything less. The solo promo was soon turned into a duo with the return of Dolph Ziggler. A wee back and forth which seemed to be leading to an impromptu match between the returning Ziggler and Y2J , was nothing bit a tease and eventually led to a match between Big E and Jericho.

Big E Langston vs Jericho

We went to a break right away after this match was announced but its not important to see the start of matches anymore. In fact we should have breaks every 2 minutes to allow our tiny wee minds to process what's going on in front of us. Despite poor advert timing, I was impressed with this. For a guy with his bulk, theres a good pace to Langston's matches, and some of the raw power dead lift stuff he does is impressive. With the aid of a wee distraction from Ziggler, Big E seemed to take control only for Del Rio to attack Ziggler and distract Big E, and with everyone suitably distracted we used this opportunity to solve world hunger by siphoning meat from Big E's huge thighs, oh and also, Jericho hit the codebreaker and won.

Antonio Cesaro vs Sin Cara

Apparently we're pushing Cesaro again. Not that he was ever properly pushed before, but this was a properly emphatic win. Love his work, actually made the usually botch ridden Sin Cara look capable. In the background we had Zeb Colter on commentary with his usual Xenophobic patter about yer illegal Mexicans, whilst bigging up a guy from Switzerland (not a territory of the USA btw, I had to look that up to be sure) Sounds like they might be putting Cesaro with Zeb, which would be a great move because he actually made Swagger somewhat interesting. With a top class talent the sky's the limit. Gies it. Gies my Cesaro push.

The next bit I missed, but I did look up to see Brad Maddox sweatin like fuck. Whit ye so nervous about pal? Is Bray Wyatt coming for you? we can but hope.

Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns

Seemingly out of nowhere Raw decided it wanted to be a wrestling show, with Roman Reigns set to take on Randall Orton. Earlier in the show, it was announced that Orton and Daniel Bryan would challenge Reigns and Rollins for the tag belts at Payback, and because these guys obviously haven't wrestled each other enough lately, we had to see them face each other in singles action. I like Roman Reigns so I dae, hes definitely more of a project than the other two members of The Shield, but he has bags of potential and is getting better by the week. Has potential as a Batista type of character as a single, except better in every way cause fuck Batista and his stupit roided out coupon.

Match was pretty decent, a good spell of dominance for Reigns in the middle, with the predictable Orton rally. The match ended in melee because thats apparently the theme of the evening, as Bryan and Rollins got involved. It was declared a no contest and on we went to the match everyone really wanted to see.

Daniel Bryan vs Seth Rollins

An absolute hert racing beezer of a match this was. I wonder if Daniel knows how much we love him? Should we write him a wee poem or something? Just a wee something from us to him so he knows that we care. I dont know if there are words which could do it justice though. This was the best singles match I've seen on RAW in some time, probably since Jericho vs Punk earlier this year. He's been hiding a wee bit in Ambrose's shadow, but make no mistake, Seth Rollins can fuckin go. I cant even begin to describe the action, there was just too much, some of the counters were as innovative as you're likely to see, and would you believe it,  Bryan actually won clean with the small package (although I suspect his package is more than ample) for the pin. A match I advise you to feast yer eyes on if ye can. Infact fuck "if ye can" just dae it, quit yer job if thats what it takes, divorce yer spouse, abandon yer weans, whatever it takes to free up 10-15 minutes to watch this, just dae it. 

I've deliberately left out mentioning the Stephanie and Vince Mcmahon segments of this show, because I respect yees too much for wasting yer time like that, but they subjected us to this pish for a third time in a shameless attempt to steal focus from the fuckin TALENT. Its like if ye stopped Barcelona games every half an hour, and showed us Sepp Blatter having an arguement wae his niece or suhin. I defy you to find me one person who gives a flying fuck.

Next we find out who Kaitlyns secret admirer. Its yer da. The end.

Kiddin on guys! Its actually Big E Langston, and he gave us a heartwarming speech about how much he's admired Kaitlyn since he first came into the WWE. This had the makings of a nice wee story, but it came to the cruelest of ends when Big E took Kaitlyn in his arms, only to let her go and stoat away laughing his heid off. He had us all fooled, wae aw the lovey dovey patter but he was only there to help aid AJ's challenge for the Divas title. Out she skipped to deliver a heartbreaking promo, telling poor Kaitlyn that naebdy loves her. Its a shame so it is. I like ye Kaitlyn eh, I could maybe get to "love" if our relationship has the chance to blossom, so get at me dawl. @smithycfc1 on the twitter, and if theres a phonebox in the vicinity, you'll find my digits scribbled on it somewhere. They had a wee brawl and AJ escaped. She'll probably take the Divas Title when they eventually meet, but hopefully I can be there to console Kaitlyn when that does occur.

I cannae mind exactly when this was, it was either before or after the Kaitlyn thing, but I know exactly what it was. It was another Wyatt Family promo, and it was a stoater. They're coming.

Damien Sandow vs R-Truth

Never been a big fan of R-Truth but he gave a decent account of himself here, no mean feat considering he’s become a bit of an irrelevance. Good win for Sandow but, he’s another one I like. I’d be pleasantly surprised if Seamus puts him over at Payback but I cannae see it. 

Errs Stephanie still looking for Paul, nae offence hen, but so fuck.

I assume we'll be ending with a Ryback/Cena promo with 15 minutes left and my mind drifts into a dark place. Bad memories from my past come flooding back, like the first time I seen Seven when I was a youngster, and was mentally scarred at the bit with the severed head, or perhaps the time when I was admitted to hospital when I was 5 with a bad Asthma Attack, and my one request to "get me the new Garfield video" was not met, basically I got a video I'd already seen, and it whilst it was still Garfield, it wisnae the one I had my wee hert set on, but hey, these things are sent to try us eh? on we go to whatever the last segment has in store.

It turned out that it was Ryback and Cena. With the lumberjacks surrounding the ring, supposedly there to oversee a showdown with Ryback and Cena. It descended into tomfoolery but, none of which I gave a fuck about. The sooner this feud is over the better. Cena is trying like a bear to put the cunt over, but its just no happening. It all feels too scripted, with only Cena putting is own slant on it. Ryback might aswell have the lines written on his hand or something cause it feels like he's just reciting what he's been given, doing what hes told. Give Cena his due, his promo was pretty good, but maybe its just my anti Ryback mindset but  just couldnae buy in to it fully. I enjoyed the ending though, with the wee back and forth involving Ryback, Cena and the lumberjacks. Overall not as bad as I expected ( I'm flip flopping like fuck here eh, I actually really dig Ryback, he's my favorite x)

Thats all folks. Overall I'd give it a 7/10 despite all the Triple H/Mcmahons bits. Just Daniel Bryan guys know? aw day. Its Daniel Bryan. Raw is Bryan.