Contract signings are always a braw laugh in wrestling. Usually its a heel vs face situation, where someone ends up gaun through the table, but the refreshing wee exchange between Brad Maddox, John Cena and Daniel Bryan which opened RAW this week was a wee bit different. I don't much care for Maddox, and I'm convinced he could sweat through a concrete slab, but he makes this promo interesting with his anti Daniel Bryan patter, accusing Cena or only choosing him cause he's a certainty to beat him. Cena defends his choice before Daniel comes out to another pop which made the earths core tremble. The promo ends with Brad Maddox revealing that Daniel wid be in multiple matches later oan. Fuckin yass. Just sack the whole card and have him wrassle EVERYBODY. Every week. Aw the time.
Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio
Well mibbe no eh. Cause this was a surprisingly brilliant match. Sheamus was stale as fuck for ages before his match with Bryan on RAW, so that proves just how much of an influence he currently holds right now, because since that match Sheamus has looked better than ever. That bruise on Sheamus leg is an absolute fuckin topper, and Del Rio takes great pleasure in kicking it tae its a deep shade of purple. Such a stiffly worked match, whit a brave cunt Sheamus is taking so many hits right on the bruise. The big yin has the upper hand, but when he goes for white noise, the leg buckled and ADR rolled him up for the pin. Superb match.
Wee bitta Booker T and Teddy Long backstage. Booker T looks quite confused, and Teddy Long speaks as if he's a wean thats been pulled intae the head teachers office cause he's been bad. I dunno what to make of this really. Pointless.
Titus O'Neal vs Christian
I'm a big Titus O'Neal fan. Funny guy, plenty of charisma. Just engaging to watch. its always a shame when he ruins aw that good stuff by exposing us to his boring as fuck wrasslin. The match was awrite, but for most of the early part is was just Christian gettin tossed aboot like a rag doll. Anyway, Christian got the win wae the killswitch.
Ryback promo. Thats yer cue to away n make a cup of Horlicks, or roll a wee jiynt or suhin. Or if ye like being raging, sit there and listen tae him butcher material which was shite anyway. I wish he'd go away.
Mark fuckin Henry man. I'm truly sorry that it took me aw these years to realise he wis a genius. Top 5 promo wise in the company right now easily, mibbe even top 3. This promo wisnae his best work right enough, but I still enjoyed it cause I love uhm. He's oot there tae tell the Shield that he's had enough of their shite so he has. Square go ya dicks. They duly oblige, and set about big Sexual Chocolate again, before The Uso's come oot and even the odds. The Usos and Henry get the upper hand, and The Shield dae the right thing and take themselves up the road.
Dolph Ziggler vs Darren Young
I dunno why Darren Young keeps getting these matches man. Am I missing something? I mean he's awrite, better wrestler than Titus, but he's wrestled Cena, Punk and Ziggler this year on RAW. That would indicate that someone thinks he's a future top star. He really just isnae. An awkward character at best. Downright annoying at worst. The match is gid, but it involves Dolph Ziggler, so thats a given. Young has the better of him, but he gets cocky and starts slappin him aboot the heid, so Dolph gets up and hits the Zig Zag for the win. Easy Peasy.
Afterwards him and Big E get intae a wee scrap. I'm looking forward to this feud, just hope it has the World Heavyweight belt involved in it soon enough.
The Miz interviews everyone on the cast of Total Divas. Natalya disnae speak. Someone slaps Jerry Lawler. Quite possibly the worst thing that has ever happened on RAW. Maybe the worst thing thats happened anywhere. I hated my eyes for lookin at it. Pish.
Cody Rhodes vs Fandango
Yass. This right here is whit I like. Coupla talented cunts just bein good at their job. Its a shame Curtis cannae be good at his without this daft gimmick, but the match is good and it was his birthday, so hopefully Summer Rae polished his boaby for him afterwards. He'd have needed cheerin up, cause Rhodes got the win wae the disaster kick and then Cross Rhodes after Damien Sandow got involved. Wee shame for ye Johnny, but I hope ye enjoyed the rest of yer birthday anyway mate. Aye Sandow had a wee set to wae Rhodes after it, but for once they didnae wind up chinnin each other.
Ryback should just sit down one day, with all of CM Punks best promos on a DVD and learn to talk to an audience like they're a collection of fellow humans, instead of whitever fuckin alien lifeform he's speakin tae when he cuts his promos. This particular Punk promo is another stoater, as he explains why he had to come out here this week, despite having (I assume) every bone in his body broken by Lesnar last week. Paul Heyman appears via satellite and they have a scintiliating back and forth. I could watch this shit aw day. Promo gold. "If Brock Lesnar is the beast incarnate, then I'll slay that beast" Those words actually came out of CM Punks mouth, and that wis just a small part of the the whole fuckin beezer of a segment. The end result of the exchange is that Punk will face Lesnar at Summerslam. Cannae fuckin contain mysell for this shit.
Rob Van Dam vs Wade Barret
I had nothing but apathy for RVDs return. Actually a wee bit scunnered by it, so to go from that, to actually looking forward to his matches is one hell of a leap. This yins no bad, a wee bit short and slow in places, but its passable. RVD wins with the 5 star frog splash.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Fuckin YASS!
A yes for every match, as Daniel Bryan would be ending the night with not one, not two, not three but...infact aye it was three. THREE MATCHES.
Daniel Bryan vs Jack Swagger
I was a wee bit worried when Swagger entered the ring here, cause I thought it might mean nae Cesaro. This match was thankfully the shortest of the three, cause Swagger wid fuckin bore ye tae sleep, even wrasslin DBry he makes it boring. Quite a feat. Bryan wins with the labell lock.
Daniel Bryan vs Antonio Cesaro
This was just fucking perfect. A truly brilliant wrestling match. I love baith of these cunts personally so I expected nae less, but it even shocked me just how good this was. Someone is fighting Cesaros corner in creative now, because ye couldnae see a match like this happening a month or so ago. He tosses Bryan about a mile up in the air at one point, before nearly taking his heid aff with an uppercut. Then both of them have a borderline savage exchange of uppercuts, Cesaros in particular looked like they were breaking Bryans collar bone in a different place each time. He then hits him with a fucking brammer of a clothesline, and Bryan sells it lit Billy Gunn selling the clothesline from hell. Antonio looks headed for the win, as he tosses Bryan up in the air again, only this time Bryan rolls him up for the pin. Fucking. Awwww. just perfect meht. 15 minutes of stauner inducing beautifulness. See it ASAP.
Daniel Bryan vs Ryback
Ugh. Whit even is Ryback now? after waving off the match wae The Miz and being nice to Vickie, I assumed he was gaun down a softer path, but we seem to have reverted to the same auld shite routine.
The match is actually braw though. I've never had much of a problem with Ryback in the ring, he had a couple of great matches with Cena. Its just his character and promo work which constantly irks me. The best parts of this match came on the outside, as Bryan hits a stoater of a suicide dive. Before Ryback sets up a table, and breaks Bryan in hauf putting him through it wae a jackknife powerbomb. Big Diesel, eat yer hert oot. Bryan wins via DQ.
Big Cena then runs oot quite unnecessarily tae save Bryan, making him look quite weak in the process, but here. We got tae see Daniel Bryan wrestle for 40 minutes aw in, so lets no grumble eh. Cena then challenges Ryback to a tables match for some fuckin reason, and I assume we'll get that next week. Whoopity doo.
Solid RAW overall. Bryan v Cesaro and Punk/Heyman promo were huge highlights, but that fuckin bombscare of a Total Divas promo drags it right doon. I gie it 7 Pepsi Plunges oota 10.
Follow the buzzards Kane meht. Follow the buzzards.
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